It's A Magical World!

It's Been A Magical Ride!

2009-05-18T20:54:00.004-04:00

We haven't posted here in about a year and half. Turns out that when a first-year associate in a major law firm has to choose between meeting a 1,900-billable-hour-per-year requirement and posting regularly on a blog, he's going to choose the one that involves a salary.

Not to fear though, It's A Magical World! will live on in a new format. Brilliant minds hard at work in cyberspace have come up with the latest fad in interactive communications. Late as usual to any new trend, we're hopping on the Twitter bandwagon. This new format lends itself best to quick-hit, stream-of-consciousness observations. Drawn out lists of useless personal information will have to take a back seat. Any biting commentary may have to be just that: biting, as in 140-character sound bites. But we'll find a way to resurrect your old favorites, including top five lists and a modified version of Playing the Spread. As far as everything else, it will be experiment. Working in a profession where the money you earn is directly proportionate to the degree to which you unnecessarily drag things out does not lend itself well to the succinctness required for microblogging. We'll consider it a challenge.

Goodbye from here, and thank you all for your faithful readership over the years. We'll pick up again at www.twitter.com/magical_world. Catch you on the flip side.

We end as we began:

List Of Land Borders I've Crossed

2008-02-17T12:13:00.002-05:00

The following is a list of land borders I've crossed, along with the mode of transportation I've used to do so. (Bus means public bus while coach means long-haul motorcoach.) I'm including countries that are unconnected but for man-made structures as well as those which require waterway crossings. Borders are described by their official name where possible and otherwise by the two nearest cities on either side.

Argentina-Uruguay
Buenos Aires-Colonia (boat)

Austria-Hungary
Nickelsdorf-Hegyeshalom (coach, train)

Austria-Liechtenstein
Schaanwald-Feldkirch (bus, train)

Austria-Slovakia
Berg-Petrzalka (coach)

Belgium-France
Blandain-Sin (train)

Belgium-Luxembourg
Kleinbettingen-Sterpenich (train)

Canada-United States
Detroit-Windsor Tunnel (bus)
Highgate Springs-St. Armand (car)
Derby Line-Stanstead (coach, car)

Egypt-Israel
Taba (foot)

France-Germany
Huningue-Haltingen (foot)

France-Switzerland
Basel-St. Louis (train, foot)
Basel-Huningue (bus)
Le Chatelard-Vallorcine (train)

France-United Kingdom
Dover-Calais (train)

Germany-Switzerland
Basel-Haltingen (foot)
Freidrichshafen-Romanshorn (boat)
Rafz-Lottstetten (train)
Schaffhausen-Atlenburg (train)

Italy-Switzerland
Chiasso-Como (train)
Ribellasca (train)
Simplon Tunnel (train)

Italy-Vatican City
Vatican Museum (foot)
St. Peter's Square (foot)

Israel-Jordan
Yitzhak Rabin/Wadi Araba (foot)

Liechtenstein-Switzerland
Wartau-Balzers (bus)
Buchs-Schaan (train)

Malaysia-Singapore
Woodlands-Johor Bahru Causeway (bus, train)

Mexico-United States
Nogales-Nogales (foot)
San Ysidro-Tijuana (foot)

Socratic Method? So What?!

2008-02-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

Law school education in the United States is typically characterized by the pedagogical technique known as the Socratic Method. Rather than lecturing to students on the holding and reasoning of judicial opinions they read in advance of class, professors instead ask questions of students in order to get them to tease out the details of the opinions themselves. Under the quintessential form of the Socratic Method, students do not volunteer to answer questions. Rather, students are liable to be called upon by the professor, at any time, without warning. While some professors spread their attention around the room, asking multiple students only a few questions each, others spend virtually the entire class period grilling one unlucky victim.

The main justification for the Socratic Method is that its prepares law students for practice, since attorneys appearing before a court need to think on their feet and answer any question a judge throws before them. The random, unsolicited nature of the cold-calling encourages students to thoroughly prepare for class, lest they founder or get called out by their professor in front of all their classmates. The Socratic Method is also recognized as a hazing ritual that all law students must undergo in order to be initiated into the esteemed fraternity of attorneys.

When I started law school as a 1L, the Socratic Method was scary. You dreaded being the person who was called upon and you dreaded even more being the person who stumbled through a case because you hadn't understood it, or (gasp!) hadn't even read it. You wanted to succeed, you wanted to do the best you could, you wanted to prove you were worthy, and you wanted the professor to approve of your insight and your effort.

In the final semester of my final year, the Socratic Method has become tiresome. When a classmate is called upon to explain the potential separation of powers violation in a given federal statutory scheme, I zone out. I really don't need to hear one of my classmates stumble through the analysis while the professor prompts (or misleads) them with follow-up questions. When the professor is engaged with one student, he isn't engaged with the other 79. Similarly, when it's my turn to answer, I know that nobody else is really paying attention, and if I do screw things up, I know that nobody really cares. I'm well past the supposed insecurities upon which the Socratic Method relies. And if someone at this point does experience joy at a classmate's struggles under Socratic pressure, they need to reexamine their priorities in life.

You don't become a 3L without being able to handle the Socratic Method. At this point, there's nothing to left to prove. I'm no longer afraid of any of my professors. I don't live in fear of humiliating myself in front of fellow students, since I know that like myself, they don't really care either. Professors need to just drop the charade when teaching upperclassmen and instead either just lecture or ask for volunteers. If they get a room full of blank stares with no hands raised when they ask a question, they need to examine their teaching style. The Socratic Method is a great way to motivate and indoctrinate new students, but by the time they've reached their third year, the Socratic Method has long since outlived its usefulness.

USA-Bound Flight Security Procedures

2008-02-10T10:40:00.000-05:00

Listed below is a catalog of the security procedures for U.S.-bound flights at international airports I've passed through starting in Fall 2003 (once the 9/11 hysteria had largely subsided and more standardized procedures started to replace the ad hoc patches that were in place). This catalog also includes flights on U.S.-based carriers within a foreign country or between two foreign countries. All procedures are accurate as of the time I made the trip. I make no warranties as to what are currently in place.

For ease of reading, I define the following terms ahead of time:
WTMD: Walk-through metal detector. Assume no special procedures, e.g. shoe removal, unless otherwise specified.
X-ray machine: The standard machine we all know and love. Procedure may require separate inspection of laptop computer, liquid bag, etc.
Wanding: Personal inspection with handheld metal detector.
Patdown: Personal inspection by hand, unassisted by tools.
Secondary: Manual inspection of hand luggage. Unless otherwise specified as cursory, involves unpacking and repacking of luggage.
Gate-specific: Individual control point for specific gate with dedicated, segregated gate lounge.
Interview: Passengers questioned about destination, purpose of travel, length of stay, contents and/or control of luggage, etc.

Frankfurt-Main T1 (Nov. 2003, Transit Austria to USA, Lufthansa)
Additional security checkpoint for area of terminal reserved for USA flights. All passengers must show boarding pass, send hand luggage through x-ray machine, and submit to wanding/patdown. Checked luggage was screened in Frankfurt (though it was checked through to final destination and did not need to be reclaimed).

Paris-Roissy/Charles De Gaulle T1 (Jan. 2004, To USA, United)
Interview by airline-hired private security personnel to enter check-in area, x-ray and WTMD at entry to cluster of gates (all for USA flights), further interview by private security personnel before entering jetway, with some passengers sent to table for manual inspection of luggage and wanding.

Auckland-Jean Batten (Nov. 2004, To USA, Air New Zealand)
Standard WTMD and x-ray to enter airside area, additional checkpoint to enter area reserved for USA flights with another WTMD and x-ray (procedures no different than original checkpoint). After clearing checkpoint, some passengers pulled for manual inspection of luggage.

Madrid-Barajas (Jan. 2005, To USA, US Airways)
Interview by airline-hired private security personnel before checking in. X-ray and WTMD to enter airside area. Further interview by private security personnel before entering jetway. Separate security officer pulled passengers for manual inspection of luggage and wanding.

Amsterdam-Schiphol (Mar. 2005, Transit Spain to USA, Northwest)
Interview by airline-hired private security personnel before being allowed into gate area. Gate-specific WTMD and x-ray machine. Jackets needed to be removed (not required at checkpoint for intra-EU flights). No secondary inspection observed.

Frankfurt-Main T1 (Aug. 2005, To USA, Lufthansa)
Standard x-ray and WTMD to enter airside area. Additional security checkpoint for area of terminal reserved for USA flights. All passengers must show boarding pass, send hand luggage through x-ray machine, and submit to wanding/patdown. Checked luggage was screened in Frankfurt (though it was checked through to final destination and did not need to be reclaimed).

Sao Paolo-Guarulhos (Aug. 2005, Transit USA to Rio de Janeiro, United)
Passengers discharged into segregated arrivals passageway. X-ray and WTMD to reenter airside area. Interview by airline staff while on jetway. Secondary inspection table present but not in use.

Rio de Janeiro-Galeao/Antonio Carlos (Tom) Jobim (Aug. 2005, To USA via Sao Paolo, United)
Interview by airline staff before checking in. X-ray and WTMD to enter airside area. Further interview by airline staff while on jetway. Secondary inspection table present but not in use.

Sao Paolo-Guarulhos (Aug. 2005, Transit Rio de Janeiro to USA, United)
Passengers discharged into segregated arrivals passageway. X-ray and WTMD to reenter airside area. Interview by airline staff while on jetway (displaying boarding pass indicating through passage from Rio gets passengers waved through questioning). Two tables for secondary inspection present.

Vienna-Schwechat (Jan. 2006, To USA, Austrian)
Gate-specific security checkpoint with x-ray and WTMD, followed by cursory patdown for all passengers. Screened-off secondary inspection area present.

Osaka-Kansai (Apr. 2006, To USA, United)
X-ray for all luggage (checked and carry-on) to enter check-in area, with secondary inspection table present. Standard x-ray and WTMD to enter airside area, with shoe removal for passengers who alarm. Boarding pass check to enter area cordoned off for USA flights, with secondary inspection table present.

Toronto-Pearson (Jun. 2006, Transit United Kingdom to USA, Air Canada)
Transit passengers clear Canadian passport control and proceed to USA connections baggage claim. After boarding pass check, passengers (with checked luggage) must proceed through USA Customs and Border Protection pre-clearance, with passport control and interview followed by collection of customs declaration forms. Conveyor belt drop-off for checked luggage, followed by x-ray and WTMD with shoe removal.

Hong Kong-Chep Lap Kok (Mar. 2007, Transit USA to Singapore, United)
Passengers discharged into segregated arrivals passage. Standard x-ray and WTMD at security checkpoint for transit passengers. Cursory manual inspection of all hand luggage on jetway. Some passengers sent for wanding after hand luggage inspection.

Singapore-Changi (Mar. 2007, To USA via Japan, Singapore)
Gate-specific security checkpoint with standard x-ray and WTMD. Document authenticity check by government official after security.

Tokyo-Narita (Mar. 2007, Transit Singapore to USA, Singapore)
Passengers discharged into segregated arrivals passage. Standard x-ray and WTMD at security checkpoint for transit passengers. Some passengers pulled for secondary inspection before entering jetway.

Toronto-Pearson (May 2007, Transit Canada to USA, Air Canada)
Transit passengers enter USA connections baggage claim. After luggage tag check, passengers (with checked luggage) must proceed through USA Customs and Border Protection pre-clearance, with passport control and interview followed by collection of customs declaration forms. Conveyor belt drop-off for checked luggage, followed by x-ray and WTMD with shoe removal.

Halifax-Stanfield (Sep. 2007, Transit United Kingdom to USA, Air Canada)
Transit passengers clear Canadian passport control and proceed to USA departures area. Luggage is through-checked. After boarding pass check, security checkpoint with x-ray and WTMD with shoe removal. All passengers must proceed through USA Customs and Border Protection pre-clearance with passport control and interview.

Munich-Franz Joseph Strauss (Jan. 2008, To USA, Lufthansa)
Standard security checkpoint with x-ray and WTMD to enter airside area. Boarding pass check to enter area of terminal reserved for USA flights (non-USA citizens must supply Advance Passenger Information System data at this point), followed by additional, standard security checkpoint with x-ray and WTMD.

Enough Security Is Enough

2008-02-08T11:11:00.000-05:00

The above title was the headline of an article from the Lufthansa airline magazine, which I read on my recent trip to Munich. (More details about that trip will be forthcoming within a week or so.) If an American airline executive made such a public statement, he'd earn himself a one-way trip to Gitmo. But in Europe, it represents a measured, common-sense response to the post-9/11 security hysteria.

At Frankfurt Airport, all passengers on flights bound for the USA had needed to pass through a special security checkpoint with x-ray inspection of hand luggage and a rather thorough wanding and patdown affectionately known as the "Frankfurt Feel-Up." Certain passengers would also be pulled for a manual inspection of their bags and/or their shoes. This secondary inspection was mandatory for all passengers, regardless of whether they were connecting or originating in Frankfurt (and hence had already passed through security control in Frankfurt). While I never received a satisfactory response for why a second checkpoint was needed, the two generally-accepted possible explanations are that there are special rules for U.S. bound flights and that connecting passengers needed to be screened at the airport of embarkation for the U.S. and the only way to do so was to re-screen everybody.

The article explained that the Frankfurt airport gate assignments were being reconfigured so that passengers who originated in Frankfurt or any other Schengen-zone country did not need to go through the Frankfurt Feel-Up. Whatever officials were in charge of such policy (and I don't know if they are U.S. officials, EU officials, airline officials, or airport officials) came to the realization that . Only those passengers connecting from outside the EU, who would arrive at the gates for U.S. flights via the SkyTrain, continue to face the Feel-Up (and given that some these passengers come from Africa, the Middle East, and India, it's a good idea).

Another pleasant security development I discovered during my trip was that the rule requiring duty-free liquids to be delivered to the gate of U.S.-bound flights has been relaxed. Among the EU countries, duty-free liquids packaged in a sealed, tamper-proof bag with a receipt from that day are considered secure. For some reason, the U.S. decided it needed its own, slightly different rule, just to make people's live more complicated. At Munich, however, I purchased my duty-free wine, beer, and mustard and took it through the special checkpoint for U.S. flights with no problems.

I commend the relevant officials (whoever they might be) for this step in the direction of a common-sense security procedure. Eventually, I'd like to see a Grand Unified Security Policy, in which all industrialized nations would recognize each other's security procedures as satisfactory and unify rules regarding liquids. Hopefully, someday, we'll get there.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Super Bowl XLII

2008-02-02T12:30:00.001-05:00

I thought we had put this thing to bed, but it looks like I need to repeat myself one more time: Spygate (and I really resent that term, if only for the complete lack of originality, since the media has slapped the suffix "-gate" on the end of nearly every scandal over the past thirty years) does not tarnish what the Patriots did in the 2007 season, not one bit.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, let me recap. In the first half of the opening game of the season, security personnel, tipped off by the New York Jets, seized a video camera being used by a member of the Patriots staff on the visiting team's sideline. Nobody ever saw that tape before it was seized. And after Roger Goodell imposed his unprecedented penalty, the Patriots did not continue with those shenanigans.

Now, theoretically speaking, there is a possibility that the videotaping activities benefited the Pats in their run to their first three Super Bowls. Accepting that possibility, though, means that you think Roger Goodell is a liar, since he openly stated the confiscated videotapes contained footage from six games, all of which took place since the Pats won their last championship. Yeah, you can point to yesterday's revelation from a former video assistant who claimed to have taped the Rams' pre-Super Bowl walkthrough in 2002, but the timing of the news strikes me as sour grapes.

The shocker of the day is that Senator Arlen Specter is calling for a congressional investigation. Unlike the steroids epidemic in baseball, the Pats' videotapes involved no laws being broken, and no allegations of perjury. It was merely a case of private industry taking action against one of its members who used allowable technological means to make otherwise permissible observations from a forbidden location. There's a war in Iraq and millions of homeless people on the streets, Senator!

If the Pats win tomorrow and cap off the greatest season in professional sports history, not only will it be completely unblemished in my eyes, it will be even more impressive given the target on their back from Week One and the boundless, season-long potential for distractions.

The following pick is for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 1-1
Season To Date: 118-136-12

Giants (+12) over Patriots
Hey Mercury Morris, we're in your neighborhood, we're on your block, and we're coming down your driveway! That doesn't mean I doubt it will be a close game, however. It's been a tale of two seasons for the Pats -- the high-flying aerial acrobatics that dominated the early part of the season have given way to a smashmouth, clutch, do-just-enough-to-win brand of football that has characterized December and the postseason. As much as I'd love to see Tom Brady and Randy Moss put the game away before Tom Petty takes the stage, I'm predicting a back-and-forth nailbiter. WIN

Top Five Exciting Super Bowl Finishes

2008-02-01T17:13:00.001-05:00

1. Super Bowl XXV (Giants 20, Bills 19)
With the underdog Giants ahead by one point, the Bills received the ball on their own 10 from a punt with just over two minutes to go. They drove to the Giants' 29-yard-line, and with eight seconds left, Scott Norwood had the opportunity to make a last-second game-winning field goal. The snap went down, the ball went up, but it sailed wide right. With four seconds to go, the Giants took a knee and ran out the clock. The final score is (and always will be) the closest margin of victory in a Super Bowl game.

2. Super Bowl XXXVI (Patriots 20, Rams 17); Super Bowl XXXVIII (Patriots 32, Panthers 29)
We'll package these two games into a single entry. After the Rams tied the game with a touchdown, the Pats took possession with 1:24 to play and no timeouts. Ignoring John Madden's entreaties to take a knee and play for overtime, Tom Brady completed five out of six passes, driving to the Rams' 30. He spiked the ball with :07 to play, setting up Adam Vinatieri for a 48-yard FG which he converted as time expired. Two years, Vinatieri continued his magic, though he only got his chance after a wild, back-and-forth final quarter. After the Panthers went up 22-21, Brady drove the Pats 68 yards, throwing a touchdown to linebacker-cum-tight end Mike Vrabel and following that with a direct snap to Kevin Faulk for the two-point conversion. Carolina responded with a drive of its own, capped off by a game-tying 12-yard pass to Ricky Proehl with 1:08 to play. But an out-of-bounds penalty on the ensuing kickoffs gave the Pats great field position and allowed them to drive to the Panthers' 23, where Vinatieri once again converted the clutch field goal with :04 to go.

3. Super Bowl XXXIV (Rams 23, Titans 16)
Down by a touchdown after a Kurt Warner pass to Isaac Bruce, the Titans took possession at their own 10-yard-line with 1:54 to play. Short completions to Derrick Mason, Frank Wycheck, and Kevin Dyson, plus a couple of fortuitous penalties, put the Titans on the Rams' 10 with six seconds to play and no more timeouts. Steve McNair threw a short dump to Dyson down the middle. Dyson appeared to have a clear path to the end zone, but Rams' linebacker Mike Jones tackled Dyson one yard short of the goal line. The image of Dyson stretching his arm as far as it could go in an futile effort to nail down a final score is what defines this Super Bowl.

4. Super Bowl XXIII (49ers 20, Bengals 16)
A field goal gave the Bengals a 16-13 lead with 3:20 to play and the 49ers found themselves backed up to their own eight-yard-line thanks to a penalty on the kickoff. To relieve some of the pressure from his teammates, Joe Montana huddled them up, then pointed out John Candy in the stands. From that point, Montana completed seven of eight passes, interspersed with two Roger Craig runs and a 10-yard illegal man downfield penalty, as part of a 92-yard drive, eventually finding John Taylor in the end zone from 10 yards out with :34 to play.

5. Super Bowl V (Colts 16, Cowboys 13)
The Blunder Bowl was tied at 13 with less than two minutes to play. The Cowboys had the ball on the Colts' 48 after a punt, but thanks to a rush for a one-yard loss and a 15-yard spot foul holding penalty, the Cowboys were faced with 2nd and 35 from their own 27. Craig Morton then threw a pass to running back Dan Reeves, but the ball passed through is hands and straight to Colts linebacker Mike Curtis, who returned it to the Cowboys' 28. Colts kicker Jim O'Brien strode onto the field to attempt the game-winning FG. O'Brien had an extra point blocked earlier in the game, but this time around, his kick was true and the Colts took their first and only lead of the game with only five seconds remaining.

Top Five Memorable Super Bowl Halftime Shows

2008-01-31T16:20:00.000-05:00

Some of the shows on this list were amazing while others were notorious or just plain awful. Before you go accusing me of recent history bias, keep in mind that first twenty or so halftime shows featured either collegiate marching bands or Up With People.

1. U2 (Super Bowl XXXVI)
For the first Super Bowl after 9/11, the NFL invited U2 to play at halftime. Bono and the rest of the Irish rock band played "Beautiful Day," then performed a moving rendition of "Where The Streets Have No Name" as the names of the victims of the 9/11 attacks scrolled across screens erected behind the stage. Oh yeah, it was the first Super Bowl victory of the Patriots dynasty.

2. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake (Super Bowl XXXVIII)
If you don't remember this halftime show, you've been living under a rock. At the conclusion of a duet performance of "Rock My Body," Timberlake grabbed a piece of Jackson's outfit and ripped it off, fleetingly exposing her breast before the lights went black. This three-quarter second glimpse of jewelry-clad nipple sent the American people into a frenzy with Congressional hearings taking place and additional crackdowns by the FCC promised.

3. Michael Jackson (Super Bowl XXVII)
After years of lackluster halftime performances, the NFL decided that if it wanted people to keep from changing the channel during the break, it needed to invite headliners to the big game. And what headliner is bigger than the King of Pop himself? After performing "Billie Jean" and "Black Or White," Jacko was joined on stage by 3,500 children from the Los Angeles area for a rendition of "Heal The World." After the song, he ran around the stage kissing some of the youngest of the kids. Knowing what we now know about Jackson, watching clips of the children making their way to the stage is like watching lambs being led to the slaughter. (Say what you will about Jackson's supposedly-platonic love of children, the man knows how to work a crowd.)

4. Prince (Super Bowl XLI)
The repercussions of Nipplegate led the gun-shy NFL to select "safe" classic rockers to play future halftime shows. After restrained, lukewarm performances by Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones, the NFL chose Prince to perform in Miami during Super Bowl XLI. Evidently, Prince missed the memo that he was supposed to tone things down and play to the over-50's corporate luxury box set. Master of theatrics that he is, Prince brought down the house in an electrifying performance, the highlight of which was his closing number, in which purple floodlights illuminated the raindrops of the first-ever Super Bowl downpour. Prince was therefore quite literally performing "Purple Rain" in purple rain.

5. Elvis Presto (Super Bowl XXIII)
In what was quite possibly the worst halftime show ever, "Be Bop Bamboozled" featured an Elvis impersonator who was also an illusionist (he called himself the Prince of Prestidigitation) singing songs from the 50's (no actual Elvis songs, however), all the while performing magic tricks. If the backup dancers in poodle skirts and the world's largest card trick failed to do it for you, the show also featured the world's first broadcast in 3-D, where viewers who had obtained special glasses from Diet Coke could put them on and see cartoons that popped out of the television during cutaways from Elvis Presto's show. If it's actually possible, the show was even worse than I'm making it sound.

Top Five Super Bowl Miscues

2008-01-30T18:06:00.001-05:00

These horrific mistakes or otherwise boneheaded plays will go down in infamy as the worst miscues that the Super Bowl has ever seen.

1. Scott Norwood, Bills (Super Bowl XXV)
The favored Bills were trying to stave off an upset by the New York Giants. Taking the ball at their own 10-yard line with 2:16 remaining, the Bills drove to the Giants' 29, then sent Scott Norwood onto the field with :08 to play to kick what was a very makeable 47-yard FG. Norwood's kick sailed wide right, causing the Bills to lose in what would be the first of their four straight Super Bowl defeats.

2. Garo Yepremian, Dolphins (Super Bowl VII)
With the perfect Dolphins leading the Redskins 14-0, Garo Yepremian strode onto the field in the waning minutes to kick the field goal that would hopefully seal the game. His kick was blocked and the ball bounced back toward him. But instead of just falling on it, Yepremian tried to make something out of the play, picking up the ball and frantically trying to pass it to Larry Czonka. The ball slipped out of Yepremian's hands and straight up into the air when he was trying to throw it. He tried to tip it out of bounds but ended up tipping into the hands of Redskins cornerback Mike Bass who returned it for a touchdown, turning a potential 17-0 game into a 14-7 game. Fortunately for Yepremian, the Dolphins hung on for the win.

3. Leon Lett, Cowboys (Super Bowl XXVII)
This miscue never affected the game, since it took place in the fourth quarter of a blowout, but it ranks on this list for sheer embarrassment value. After the Cowboys forced Bills QB Frank Reich to fumble, the oversized Leon Lett scooped up the ball and trudged toward the end zone. With a clear field in front of him, Lett appeared to be home free. However, he made the foolish mistake of starting to celebrate before he actually reached the end zone, allowing Don Beebe to catch up and swat the ball out of his arms before he crossed the goal line. The ball bounced out the back of the end zone for a touchback, giving possession back to the Bills.

4. Baltimore Colts (Super Bowl V)
The seven turnovers committed by the Colts in the so-called "Blunder Bowl" warrant a team entry on this list. Among the numerous miscues were Ron Gardin's first-quarter fumble of a punt at his own nine-yard line, Jim Duncan's fumble of the kickoff that started the second half, Earl Morrall's end zone interception, and Mike Hinton's fumble on the 10-yard line (of a pass that he caught only by cutting in front of his teammate). Even the Colts' 75-yard touchdown pass in the first half was followed by a blocked PAT. Somehow, despite the seven giveaways and countless other examples of sloppy play, the Colts ended up with the 16-13 victory.

5. Eugene Robinson, Falcons (Super Bowl XXXIII)
This miscue took place the night before the Super Bowl. Hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award for outstanding moral character, Robinson was arrested for soliciting prostitution from an undercover police officer. For some reason, Robinson thought the best way to prepare for the big game was to get a quickie from a $40 hooker. Robinson was released from jail and allowed to play the game, but he was torched by Rod Smith for an 80-yard touchdown reception which set the stage for a runaway Broncos victory.

Top Five Super Bowl Upsets

2008-01-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

1. Super Bowl III (Jets 16, Colts 7)
After being dominated by the NFL champion for the first two Super Bowl, the AFL was hoping for a change of fortune. Entering the game as 17-point underdogs, it didn't look like the Jets had much hope. Joe Namath's guarantee of victory was dismissed as a foolish act of desparation. But the Jets held the Colts off the scoreboard for 56 minutes of the game (helped by the fact that Johnny Unitas missed most of the game with a sore arm) and proved that the AFL could run with the big boys. A year and a half later, the leagues would merge.

2. Super Bowl XXXVI (Patriots 20, Rams 17)
In the week leading up to the Super Bowl (already postponed one week due to 9/11) we heard all about the Rams and Kurt Warner and the Greatest Show On Turf. The Pats came in as 14-point dogs and the so-called experts thought the game would be a success if they could hold the Rams under 30 points and just make things respectable. Tom Brady and crew didn't get the message, however. The Pats jumped out to a 14-3 halftime lead thanks to dominating defensive play, then ignored John Madden's advice to kneel down and play for overtime in the final 1:30, driving into field goal range, where Adam Vinatieri sealed the game with a 48-yard kick.

3. Super Bowl XXXII (Broncos 31, Packers 24)
After the Packers won their first Super Bowl since the Vince Lombardi era the year before, people expected Brett Favre to lead the Pack to a repeat championship. The NFC had won 13 straight Super Bowls and looked just as dominant this year, so nobody thought that the 12-point underdog Broncos could snap that streak. In his fourth try, though, John Elway was determined to finally claim a Super Bowl, at one point launching himself into the air and being spun around 180 degrees while trying to claim a first down.

4. Super Bowl IV (Chiefs 23, Vikings 7)
Super Bowl III was the original stunning upset of the NFL champion, but people forget that Super Bowl IV featured a similar upset victory by the AFL representative. The Minnesota Vikings, who had won 12 straight games and had broken the 50-point barrier three times during the season, entered the Super Bowl as 10-point favorites over the Chiefs. But while people expected the Vikings' defensive line, dubbed the Purple People Eaters, to control the game, it was Kansas City's defense that proved unstoppable, coming away with three interceptions and forcing two fumbles while holding Minnesota to 67 rushing yards.

5. Super Bowl XVIII (Raiders 38, Redskins 9)
It wasn't that nobody expected the three-point underdog Raiders to win, it's just that nobody expected their win to be quite so decisive. The Raiders scored touchdowns on offense, defense, and special teams -- all before halftime. Then, Marcus Allen went to town, scoring a touchdown in the third quarter on a 74-yard run, which represented only a fraction of his 191 yards on the day. Washington did manage to reach the end zone in the third quarter on a John Riggins run, only to see the PAT get blocked. Redskins fans coined their team's humiliating defeat as "Black Sunday."

Top Five Super Bowl Dynasties

2008-01-28T19:36:00.001-05:00

In order to commemorate Super Bowl XLII (and, let's be honest, the Patriots' inevitable march toward sports immortality) we present a five-day series of Super Bowl-themed top five lists, then will cap off our coverage with a special Saturday edition of Playing The Spread. Enjoy!

1. Steelers (1970's - IX, X, XIII, XIV)
Before he was the butt of Frank Caliendo's jokes on Fox NFL Sunday, Terry Bradshaw was one of the most successful quarterbacks in NFL history. Along with Mean Joe Green and the rest of the Steel Curtain, the Steelers captured four Super Bowl titles in six years -- a feat which has never been equalled.

2. Patriots (2000's - XXXVI, XXXVIII, XXXIX, ???)
When they won their first Super Bowl in 2001, the Pats were a double-digit underdog to the Greatest Show On Turf, yet pulled the upset. Since then, the Pats have been consistent favorites and they have yet to disappoint. If they pull off the victory on Sunday, the Pats will put the finishing touch on the best season of all-time and will further solidify their place among Super Bowl greats.

3. 49ers (1980's - XVI, XIX, XXIII, XXIV)
The postseason was where Joe Montana shined, and with a supporting cast that included dynamic receivers such as Dwight Clark and Jerry Rice, alongside ever-dependable running back Roger Craig, the 49ers were one of the most electrifying postseason teams of the Super Bowl era. Even when legendary head coach Bill Walsh retired, George Seifert filled his shoes and brought the Niners back to the promised land the very next season.

4. Cowboys (1990's - XXVII, XXVIII, XXX)
Dallas's Super Bowl dominance in the 1990's can be summed up in six words: Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin. Led by the Triplets, the Cowboys were able to survive boneheaded plays by their teammates (Leon Lett) and a chaotic coaching situation exarcerbated by megalomaniacal owner Jerry Jones. Of course, Neil O'Donnell throwing the ball straight into Larry Brown's hands, twice, didn't hurt.

5. Packers (1960's - I, II)
The Super Bowl era began at the tail end of the Packers' dominance. Nonetheless, Bart Starr, Vince Lombardi, and the rest of the Packers set an example for the rest of the league to follow by capturing the first two Super Bowls. If the AFL champion started playing the NFL champ beforehand, who knows how many Super Bowls the Packers would have won?

Ben's Barcelona Bible

2008-01-23T06:51:00.000-05:00

I. LOGISTICS

A. Transportation

1. From the airport
If you are inclined to use public transportation there is a train that runs from the El Prat airport to downtown every 30 minutes. It takes about 20-30 minutes to get there. However, a cab fare is relatively affordable and efficient at about €20, before surcharges for airport trips and luggage of about €5 kick in.

2. City Center
Barcelona is a very walkable city. Most of the major sights are within a reasonable walking distance of one another. Part of the attraction of the city is just taking a stroll through the streets, imbibing in the culture, and seeing what you come across. That being said, Barcelona has a very comprehensive subway system. At €1.20 per trip (flat rate) is a very good bargain, but if you buy a 10-trip ticket at €5.90 or so, it pays for itself before it is barely halfway complete. Barcelona taxi fares are also among the cheapest anywhere in the Western World on a per mile basis.

B. Money

The official currency of

Spain

is the euro. At present, €1=US$1.22 and US$1=€0.88. [2008 note: Ha ha ha! Yeah right!] Spain is the cheapest country in the euro zone with the exception of Portgual and Greece. Your best exchange rates are to be found by using ATM’s and withdrawing currency from your home bank account. ATM displays can be accessed in numerous languages including English and Spanish. You should endeavour to minimize your withdrawals, as your bank will assess service fees per transaction, not based on the amount you withdraw. Alternatively, banks will offer a fair exchange rate on hard currency. Credit cards (Visa particularly, Mastercard also, American Express less so) are widely accepted, but should be used only for purchases, never for cash advances, lest your credit rating go to pieces. Carry more than one credit card, as some companies have been known to place holds on accounts if unusual (foreign) transactions take place. All products include VAT (value-added tax, or IVA in Spanish), though meals and hotels may or may not include this in the listed price. Theoretically, foreign nationals can get their VAT refunded on goods as they depart the country, but in practice, you can only obtain this refund if you exceed a certain threshold in one store. Also, please note that in Europe, a comma is used instead of a period to denote decimals, eg. 66 cents is written €0,66.

C. Language

The official language of Barcelona is Catalan, which is essentially a mix of Spanish and French (with some other local dialects mixed in). Written Catalan can be easily discerned if you know Spanish, especially if you know other Romance languages as well. Despite widespead regional pride and a general autonomy of the Catalonian state, most residents of Barcelona also speak Spanish, and many know a passable degree of English. A native Spanish speaker should have absolutely no trouble communicating.

D. Crime

Violent crime is not an issue in Barcelona, which isn’t to say that the usual, sensible precautions shouldn’t be taken (eg. secure your valuables, do not stray down dark alleys, be extra vigilant if alone). Petty street crime, particularly pickpocketing, is your biggest threat, especially in heavily touristed areas.

E. Hours of operation

The traditional Spanish schedule requires some acclimation, but it is truly a breath of fresh air, particularly for Americans used to constant hustle and bustle. Spanish stores traditionally open at 9AM or 10AM, then close at 2PM for a three-hour siesta, then reopen from 5PM to 8PM. While not every store operates on this schedule, do not be surprised to see many doors locked during the siesta. In addition, virtually nothing is open on Sunday as far as shops, so plan accordingly. Lunch is the biggest meal of the day and is taken at the beginning of siesta, while dinner is a smaller, more casual affair that waits for 10PM or so. Bars and clubs open late and stay open late.

II. SIGHTSEEING

A. Modernist architecture

Barcelona was the heart of the modernist architectural movement known as arte nouveau, which took place during the early years of the 20th century. The most famous architect of this movement is Antonio Gaudi, whose works are inescapable during a visit to Barcelona.

1. Gaudi’s houses
Gaudi’s three most well-known residences are the Palau Guell, the Casa Battlo, and the Casa Mila (also known as La Pedrera). All three are located on La Rambla or the nearby Passeig de Gracia, and all three are open to the public. My personal recommendation is to visit Casa Mila, which includes period rooms, an exhibit on Gaudi’s life and works, and a terrace area on the roof. Lines may be long, particularly during the morning hours.

2. Sagrada Familia
The Expiatory Temple of the Holy Family is Gaudi’s grandiose cathedral on the outskirts of the central downtown area. It is a modernist take on a Gothic structure, which creates a curious yet pleasing combination. Originally designed in the early 20th century, the project has remained unfinished for almost one hundred years, with an estimated completion date of thirty years hence. In addition to funding it construction, your ticket gets you entry to an exhibit in the basement as well as a stairclimb up one of the bell towers. Your sightlines are limited from this vantage point, and if the line is long, the trek might not be worthwhile.

3. Parc Guell
Gaudi’s sculpture garden, located in the north area of the city, is a cross between Candyland and Alice in Wonderland. It is perhaps the best example of Gaudi unleashed (and by unleashed, I mean on an acid trip). I don’t know quite how else to describe it besides saying that it is a spectacle worth seeing. The closest metro stop is about a kilometer away, and the walk to the park does inlolve a sizeable uphill section, so consider yourself warned. If you make it there, do ensure you take a walk away from the central plaza, and you’ll see that the rest of the park is designed in a more mellow, subtle, almost Southwestern motif.

B. Museums

1. Fundacion Joan Miro
A museum dedicated to the early 20th century artist Joan Miro is located on Montjuic. It is comprised of a rotating temporary exhibit and a permanent collection. You can purchase tickets to either the temporary exhibit or both, but not the permanent collection separately. The cool thing about Miro, I found, was how he kept certain motifs (the bold primary colors, the swirling black lines and dots) in his artwork throughout his life while applying them to different media, moving from paintings to sculpture and even tapestries. The whole museum should take no more than ninety minutes.

2. Instituto de Picasso
There is a museum displaying a chronology of Picasso’s work in the Old City. Like the Fundacion Miro, it is a museum dedicated to one artist, allowing you to see his stylistic progression over time, but unlike Miro, Picasso’s styles varied greatly depending on the phase of his life, to the point where you can’t believe that one artist was responsible for everything there. This museum also includes a rotating temporary exhibition with a separate admission.

3. Palau Nacional
The national museum of Catalonia is on the side of Montjuic and is dedicated to the ancient and medieval artifacts found in the regional. I did not have time to visit this museum on my trip, so I can’t say much more. Do ensure you check out the dancing fountain at the foot of Montjuic, below the museum. There are several shows nightly, but only during the summer months, so check the schedules. The nearby Mies van der Rohe Pavillion is unremarkable and not worth the price of admission.

C. Montjuic

Montjuic, literally “mountain of the Jews” after a Jewish cemetary was uncovered there, sits right on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea. It is accessed by a funicular railway that goes part of the way up. From there, an elevated gondola usually runs to the summit, though it was closed for construction when I visited, substituted for by a bus. Montjuic was the site of many of the 1992 Summer Olympic venues, many of which are still present, clustered around the Palau Sant Jordi. The Castel de Montjuic, at the summit, contains a military museum. However, in my humble opinion, the true attraction to Montjuic is the pastoral urban escape it provides, despite being in the heart of the city, as well as the gorgeous vistas from atop the mountain.

D. La Rambla

La Rambla is the main boulevard of Barcelona, bisecting the Old City, and running from Placa de Catalunya to the ocean. It is a true spectacle, with street performers, hawkers, and even bird merchants lining the street. Food and wares in this area tend to be rather overpriced, so look but don’t buy. Just off La Rambla lies an open air food market, with fresh fruits, cheeses, meats, and fish. It’s certainly something we don’t get in the United States. In the vicinity of La Rambla, you will find the original Barcelona Cathedral (a nice enough building but unremarkable as European cathedrals go) and a modern art museum (decent enough, but not like the Reina Sofia in Madrid or the Orsay and Pompidou in Paris). At the top of La Rambla is Barcelona’s main outlet of El Corte Ingles, the omnipresent Spanish department store. People seem to enjoy visiting El Corte Ingles, myself included, but I couldn’t tell you why.

E. The Port

You can have a nice seaside stroll in Barcelona, down by the port district, which was redeveloped for the 1992 Olympics. Weather permitting, which it should be in June, people will sunbathe on the beach. Swimming is not recommended, due to the proximity of industrial areas. The watrefront is (predictably) where you can find the city’s best seafood restaurants, though they tend to be the city’s most expensive restaurants as well. For a hair-raising journey with some spectacular waterfront views, take the overhead cable car from the World Trade Center by the port to Montjuic (not recommended for acrophobics).

III. DINING

A. What to eat

Barcelona is not the place to dine if you’re looking for traditional Spanish food. Rather, due to its location and the autonomy of the Catalonian regions, Barcelona’s cuisine is much more of what I would call pan-Mediterranean. There are French, Italian, and even Greek influences to complement the Spanish. I can’t say there are any must-try dishes, though an authentic seafood paella (at a restaurant catering to locals, not tourists) may qualify. Rather, try stuff that looks interesting, and as long as the restaurant itself is of sufficient quality, you can’t really go wrong. Do save room for dessert, especially flan and the various pastries.

B. What to drink

Most restaurants will offer several varieties of house wine, which are smooth, easy, drinking wines to accompany your meal. They are distinguished by color – blanco, rose, and tinto. You will want to order the tinto most often, which is a dark red wine. The rose is more of a light red wine than a pink, zinfindel-esque win. If you want to try the blanco, go somewhere besides Spain. You didn’t come to Spain to drink white wine. When buying wine in stores, pass up anything labled tinto (or without a year) as that is generic table wine and not the kind of thing you want to take home. Rioja is the quintessential Spanish wine, akin to Chianti in Tuscany and Shiraz in Australia. You should also have some freshly-prepared sangria, since we can never seem to do it correctly here in the states. Keep in mind that cafes will serve alcoholic beverages in addition to coffee and standard café fare.

C. Where to eat

1. Breakfast
Most Spanish hotels do not include breakfast in the price of the room the way other European hotels are wont to do. If yours does, congratulations – you lucked out! Otherwise, a typical Spanish breakfast consists of a café or chocolate with a croissant a la plancha or churros or some other pastry. It is usually taken in a café. Keep in mind that if you stand or sit at the counter your meal will cost less than if you sat at a table, as no service charge is included. Etiquette is to leave your spare change (no more than €1 per person at absolute most, and more like €0.50) as a tip to the bartender. If you want to start your day with a true sugar high, find somewhere that offers a Xoco Bomba, which is rich chocolate, condensed milk, and whipped cream.

2. Lunch
The day’s biggest meal is lunch and is traditionally served around 2PM. The only restaurant I will single out for you is called Els Quatre Gats, which is where Picasso and his bohemian buddies used to hang out and be brilliant. In addition to being superb food, its three-course prix fixe menu that also includes wine, is one of the city’s best deals at €10.97 plus VAT. Ensure that restaurants include service in the bill (most should), but you should still tip some spare change (no more than 5%). Avoid any restaurants with picture menus, as they likely offer low-quality, overpiced food to tourists. An English language menu is not necessarily a deal killer. If a restaurant is filled with locals, chances are you can get a good meal there. Steer well clear of La Rambla if you want to sample authentic food.

3. Dinner
Dinner tends to be a more casual, relaxed affair than lunch. Many people start their evenings at tapas bars, where you can get single piece canapes and other snack while having a drink. I do not know how the tapas bar etiquette works as far as pricing, ordering, etc., as I was too intimidated to try. The actual meal is a relatively short, simple affair, consisting of something like a platter of assorted cold cuts and cheeses, or a sandwich, or a salad. Any Spanish cured ham is delicious. I also recommend manchego and mahon cheese. Also available are larger portions of tapas, called raciones. Ordering four dishes of raciones, for two people to split, should suffice.

Von Amerika Nach München

2008-01-22T22:05:00.001-05:00

Well, tomorrow morning I head off for yet another transatlantic trip. This time, I'm visiting close friend and faithful reader (and correspondent) Tigger who now resides in the heart of Bavaria. We'll have a report and photos when I return, along with a week of Super Bowl-themed top five lists to commemorate the Greatest Team Ever's quest for perfection.

In the meanwhile, tomorrow's post will fulfill yet another request for a travel destination review. It's actually a reprint of the Barcelona bible I drafted back in 2005. It's long, so hopefully, it will tide you all over for the next five days. (Keep in mind that information presented was correct back in 2005 and I make no guarantees as to whether any aspect, particularly prices, remains up to date.)

Until next week, I leave you with my best Heidi Klum impression: "Auf Weidersehen!"

The Amazing Race 12 Destination Recap

2008-01-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

The twelfth edition of The Amazing Race is in the books with TK and Rachel claiming the million dollar championship. It was the most satisfying conclusion to TAR in quite some time since none of the three final teams were particularly objectionable. Here's my rundown of the destinations they visited:

Los Angeles - It seems like LA is a popular spot for TAR departures. I suppose that having a major international airport right there helps the producers find flights, but I prefer when teams have to find their way to and fly out of airports in secondary cities (Las Vegas, Seattle, Miami, etc.).

Ireland - Great that TAR finally made it to Ireland. The race did a great job showing off the Irish countryside, though I didn't learn all that much about the culture. I enjoyed the challenge of hauling donkeys along a path, though such a challenge could have been performed in just about any agricultural region.

Netherlands - Not the first time that TAR visited Amsterdam, but as a pedestrian and bike-friendly country, the Netherlands offers a great departure from the usual taxi riding. It was also neat to get away from the city and check out what the Dutch countryside is like.

Burkina Faso - Mad props to TAR for visiting an African country with limited tourist infrastructure and ultra mad props for sending teams into the middle of nowhere to visit tribal villages. One of the most fascinating parts of the show is watching how contestants interact with locals when forcibly removed from their comfort zones. Predictably, the flower children and Goths did fine while the shrewish blonds didn't.

Lithuania and Croatia - It's about time that TAR made it to these increasingly popular tourist destinations on the wrong side of the former Iron Curtain. Despite being a few hundred miles from familiar European destinations, Lithuania and Croatia and their Baltic and Balkan brethren are still largely shrouded in mystery. TAR provided some much-needed exposure.

Italy - Italy is one of those countries that has various regions, each with its own identity. TAR has visited Rome, Sicily, Venice, Milan, and the Dolomites, so why not pass through Tuscany this time?

India - India has become a nearly-obligatory stop on each season of TAR and each visit ensures that contestants will be thrust into a strange land and a strange culture. It does help that most of the locals speak at least some English, but still, the throngs of people and the undeveloped infrastructure provide a significant challenge. This season's trip to India certainly didn't disappoint.

Japan - It was great that TAR visited a Japanese city besides Tokyo. However, as long as the contestants flew into Osaka, I would have preferred that they spend an additional 45 minutes on the train and go all the way to Kyoto. Osaka is primarily an industrial city while Kyoto offers much more by way of historical and cultural attractions. Contestants were certainly challenged by having to navigate the streets and markets of Japan, but I think that Kyoto would have been more educational.

Taiwan - People tend to forget that Taiwan even exists since the word "China" only evokes the mainland country. Therefore, TAR's stop on the island made for an intriguing look at Taiwanese culture. I wish we could have scene even more of this unfamiliar land, since the automobile stuntyard didn't seem intrinsically Taiwanese and the teahouse and park struck me as generically Asian. (Who knew that Taiwan had a bullet train? I sure didn't.)

Anchorage - TAR regularly has a penultimate stop in Alaska, Hawaii, or Canada. These destinations tend to offer some of the most exciting outdoor activity challenges and the glacier climb on this season was no exception. It was also interesting to see what an Alaskan city looks like (basically like any other American city). However, it was strange for the race to end in Alaska. I was half expecting the teams to reboard airplanes and return to the mainland for a race to the final pit stop.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Conference Championships

2008-01-17T12:30:00.000-05:00

Peyton Manning sucks.

You may have thought that after last year's stunning 18-point comeback against the Patriots in the AFC Championship, Peyton Manning had finally shook the postseason monkey off his back and could assume a spot among the pantheon of elite quarterbacks of the past forty years.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Once again, in typically spectacular fashion, Peyton Manning and the Colts have flared out of the playoffs prematurely. Two years ago, Manning received a huge gift in the form of a goal-line fumble by the usually sure-handed Jerome Bettis, yet Manning couldn't get his team close enough to the end zone and Mike Vanderjagt shanked a field goal. This time around, San Diego's leader passer, rusher, and receiver were all either lost or hampered due to injuries throughout the game. The Colts were also the beneficiaries of some phantom penalty calls (is there any doubt any more that NFL officiating is rigged in the Colts' favor?) that took points off the board for the Chargers. Yet, the Colts still managed to let some guy named Billy Volek drive the length of the field, and when time was running short, Manning bounced the ball of Dallas Clark's hands and the game was over. (Naturally, it was Clark's fault for not catching it.)

Some Patriots fans say that if their team wins the Super Bowl without going through the Colts, it will be an empty feeling. I say that's hogwash. First of all, you don't choose your opponents. You can only win the Super Bowl by defeating the teams that the NFL puts in your way and you get the same Vince Lombardi Trophy no matter who it is. Did the 2007 World Series really feel like a consolation prize after the Indians knocked off the Yankees? Second, instead of playing the Colts, the Pats will have to play the team that beat the Colts, who, at least theoretically, are better.

I go into each NFL postseason hoping to see two things: Tom Brady hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy and Peyton Manning making his sulky face. We're halfway there.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 1-3
Season To Date: 117-135-12
Final Best Bets: 10-9
Final The Monkey: 10-6-3

Chargers (+14) over Patriots
During the first half of the season, the Pats blew opponents out of the water, making 60-yard passes look routine while running up the score with no quarter. During the second half of the season, the Pats dissected their opponents with surgical precision, making big plays when they needed to while doing just enough to win. The former might be more fun, but the latter is more exciting. WIN

Packers (-7) over Giants
Please, Brett Favre, do everything you possibly can to allow us to experience a Manning-free Super Bowl. LOSS

Top Five Unique Airport Runways

2008-01-16T12:11:00.000-05:00

1. Gibraltar Airport, Gibraltar
This airport's 6,000 foot runway is longer than the promontory of Gibraltar is wide (about 4,000) feet. As a result, the final third of the runway is on landfill protruding into the Atlantic Ocean. But the unique feature is that the only road connecting Gibraltar with the rest of Europe crosses the runway at grade. When a flight is taking off or landing, security personnel block the road on either side. Once the flight is off the runway, the gates open up and private vehicles drive straight across.

2. Barra Airport, Outer Hebrides, Scotland
At this airport, planes take-off and land on the beach of the Traigh Mhor. Wooden posts mark where each of the the three runways starts and ends. But when the tide comes in, the runways disappear. British Airways, which runs scheduled service to and from Barra, must therefore schedule flights to correspond with low tides.

3. Princess Juliana Airport, St. Maarten
This airport's runway sits mere feet from Maho Beach. At 7,152 feet, it's barely long enough to handle the widebody jets that fly in from Europe. To ensure enough room for landing, pilots must fly at an extremely low altitude over the beach. As a result, beachgoers are often thrown into the surf thanks to the jet blast they experience at close proximity. Check out this video to see how close the aircraft get to the beach and this one to see what the jet blast can do.

4. Madeira Airport, Funchal, Madeira (Portugal)
When originally constructed, this runway was wedged between tall mountains on one side and the ocean on the other. At only 4,600 feet, it was scarcely long enough for commercial flights from the European mainland. After an TAP Air Portugal 727 sailed off the end of the runway and over a cliff, crashing into the beach, the airport authorities decided to extend the runway. Without much additional land to work with, the airport constructed the runway extension over the water, supporting it with giant pillars around which people can swim or boat at high tide.

5. Lukla Airport, Lukla, Nepal
This airport, nestled among the Himalayas, is the conduit for hikers seeking to scale Mt. Everest. The 1,476-foot runway is sloped downward, with a wall of mountains behind the higher end and a sheer 2,000-foot drop at the lower end. Airplanes take off downhill, and if they can't reach takeoff velocity while on the runway, they drop into the valley and hopefully gain enough lift before they hit bottom. Pilots seeking to land must do so uphill and must keep in mind that the mountains in place do not allow sufficient room for airlines to abort landing and go around. If you aren't unable to land, you're dead.

Zooming In On Zurich

2008-01-14T18:03:00.000-05:00

As happens from time to time here at It's A Magical World!, one of our faithful readers (and it's usually the same one every time) writes in to request travel advice for some far-flung location that I've happened to have visited. Today's spotlight shines on Zurich.

What To See
Basically, leave Zurich. While Zurich is a pleasant, easily-navigable business center, its tourist appeal is its status as a rail transit hub. Zurich is an hour (or an hour and change) away from several, more interesting destinations:

Bern - Switzerland's capital boasts parliamentary buildings, national museums, performing arts venues, Classical architecture, and a beautiful central town square.

Lucerne - This postcard-perfect town sits on a pristine lake at the foot of a prominent mountain. In the old town, medieval-era guilds painted frescos on the side of buildings. They remain today.

Basel - While this city on the Rhine may primarily be a shipping center, Basel is uniquely located at the confluence of three countries, allowing you to walk from Switzerland through Germany into France in the span of about eight minutes.

Schaffhausen - Another town with a beautifully-decorated central square (though largely reconstructed after it was "accidentally" bombed by the Allies in WWII). Be sure to check out the Rhinefall, which, though it might not be Europe's tallest, is certainly Europe's most powerful waterfall.

Lauterbrunnen Valley - Okay, so it's about two hours from Zurich to Interlaken, which is the gateway to the Lauterbrunnen Valley. But it's worth the trip. From there, a series of trains and trams takes you into the heart of the Alps. The mountains tower literally 10,000 feet above the floor of the valley. You can see four distinct climactic zones as you look upward. Many of the towns on the lip of the valley prohibit cars, adding to the pastoral nature of the area. When the snow melts during the spring, waterfalls emerge everywhere. If weather permits, my recommendation is to take the tram up to Murren and then hike down into the valley. It is one of the most splendid walks I've ever experienced.

Of course, if you insist upon staying in Zurich, I recommend you walk south from the main train station along the Linmatquai, cross over the Quaibrucke, and walk back up the other side. There are some interesting shops, markets, cobblestone streets, parks, and churches. I'll give you about three hours before you get bored and hop on a train elsewhere.

What To Do
If sightseeing grows old, go for a walk! Switzerland has a network of footpaths criss-crossing the country, all of which are well-marked and well-maintained. Nothing beats a hike through the Alps. Depending on the time of year, you can even go skiing.

What To Eat
Swiss food isn't particularly distinctive. With three distinct areas where three different languages are spoken, cuisine in each region tends to resemble that of its neighbor, rather than anything indigenously Swiss. In other words, you'll find German food in Zurich, French food in Geneva, etc. However, the Swiss tend to use more cheese than any of its neighbors, for obvious reasons. As a lunch, I recommend a raclette, which is made by placing a block of Gruyere under a heatlamp then scooping off the top layer of melted cheese and placing it on a slice of baguette. I'd also suggest Rosti, which traditionally are fried, shredded potatoes, though I prefer variations that bake the potatoes in the oven along with cheese, meat, or vegetables. And of course, fondue. Be prepared to pay through the teeth for any of these delicacies.

What To Drink
In central Europe, you really can't go wrong with beer of just about any type. I'd recommend that you make a point to try Swiss wine. The quality is comparable to French and Italian wines, but since the limited size of the Swiss wine industry essentially precludes exports, you get an additional novelty factor.

How To Get Around
As this space has mentioned before, the Swiss rail system is second to none in terms of coverage, frequency, and punctuality. No matter where you want to go, a train will be leaving within an hour. You'll be paying for this privilege, however. If you'll be in Switzerland for four days and plan on riding the rails a lot, buy a Swiss Pass for CHF 255. Otherwise, there really is no good way to save money. Make sure you purchase your ticket (and validate it, if necessary) before boarding, because if you're caught onboard without one, penalties are severe.

What I Like And Dislike About The New American Gladiators

2008-01-11T11:44:00.000-05:00

Three episodes of the new show is more than enough for me to pass judgment. Note that I grew up with the original version of the show and am judging the revival in comparison with the original.

What I Like
- Events that stayed true to the spirit of the original: Joust, The Wall, Pyramid, Gauntlet, Hang Tough
- The water pit in play for many of those events
- Gladiators with their own personalities or gimmicks (especially Wolf and Toa), rather than carbon-copy bobybuilders
- Gladiator Crush -- gorgeous!
- Hit-and-run, a fun new event
- Better gladiator uniforms

What I Dislike
- Five events instead of seven
- Men and women participate in different events
- Eliminator doesn't involve gladiators, at all
- Eliminator is too grueling and is often decided by who can surmount the course-ending travelator
- The referee who insists on channeling Michael Buffer
- Between the disembodied play-by-play commentary and glorified sideline reporters Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, the show is presented less as a sporting event and more like theater. Where's Mike Adamle when you need him!
- The audience singing "Another One Bites The Dust" or "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" when someone gets thrown into the water on Joust or Assault
- Assault now requires you to load your own ammunition, making it difficult to complete the course in 60 seconds
- The Powerball canisters are bigger and the court is fenced in by boards
- The new theme song (or lack thereof)

Playing The Spread 2K7, Divisional Playoffs

2008-01-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

Up until the 2000 season, the first two weekends of the NFL postseason featured games at 12:30 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. on both Saturday and Sunday. Then, suddenly, the brains at the TV networks realized both that a 12:30 start time on the East Coast was a 9:30 morning start time in the West and that the vast wasteland of Saturday night primetime TV could become populated by means of a sporting event that people actually want to watch.

Hence, we have the current playoff schedule. I understand the reasoning behind it, but I'm not sure I really like it. It seems like the wait for games to start on Saturday is interminable. Sure, you can spend hours watching the talking heads on the NFL Network, but after getting used to a 1:00 p.m. game on every Sunday during the season, having to wait until 4:30 (not just 4:00) is a major frustration. And the Saturday evening game finishes just before midnight, making for a late night (especially if you want to watch the post-game analysis) followed by another full day of football that requires you to awake at a decent hour.

Well, as Bill Belichick likes to say, it is what it is, so you might as well get used to it.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 1-3
Season To Date: 116-132-12
Best Bets: 10-8
The Monkey: 9-6-3

Seahawks (+7.5) over Packers
Brett Favre announced a desire to continue playing for the Packers and leave perennial benchwarmer Aaron Rodgers with the second sorest buttocks in pro sports, behind only Roger Clemens. LOSS

Patriots (-13.5) over Jaguars
Tom Brady shows off his innermost metrosexual in a series of ads for Glaceau bottled water. Unfortunately, the company couldn't afford to hire both Brady and the baby goat. LOSS

Colts (-9.5) over Chargers
San Diego has been Indianapolis' achilles heel over the past few years. Antonio Cromartie is licking his chops at the chance to face off against Peyton Manning. And how great would it be if both Mannings choke in the postseason on the same day? LOSS

Giants (+7.5) over Cowboys
Tony invites his new girlfriend Jessica to a game for the first time, but the blond beauty's presence serves as a distraction to Tony's team, which collapses against an inferior opponent. Tony's teammate Terrell tells him not to bring Jessica around anymore. Meanwhile, Michael, who plays for a rival team, announces that he'd love to date Jessica if Tony isn't interested in her anymore. No, it's not Friday Night Lights -- it's the NFL. WIN

BEST BETS: Patriots (-13.5) over Jaguars LOSS

THE MONKEY: Chargers (+9.5) over Colts WIN

Top Five American Gladiators Events

2008-01-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

In honor of the revival of the show, I present my all-time top five events in American Gladiators history.

1. Atlasphere
In American Gladiators' version of demolition derby, each contender is enclosed in a giant steel hamster ball which he/she rolls around the arena and tries to settle in one of four scoring pods. If a point is scored, the scoring pod blows smoke into the air. But making things difficult are two gladiators in their own atlaspheres who try to ram into the contenders and keep them from reaching the pods.

2. Assault
Five (or four) stations with various weapons are positioned throughout the arena. Contenders zigzag between each one, firing different types of ordnance (crossbow, cannon, pellet gun, softball grenades, and -- my personal favorite -- the rocket launcher) at a target. Meanwhile, the gladiator stands behind the target and fires tennis balls at 100 m.p.h., trying to hit the contender before they hit the target.

3. The Wall
Scaling a forty-foot rock wall in less than a minute is hard enough. But The Wall sends a gladiator up the wall after each contender. With only a ten-second head start, the gladiators quickly catch up and grab the contenders by the ankles to try to pry them off. If the contenders can somehow elude the grasp of the gladiators while continuously climbing higher and higher, they can conquer The Wall.

4. Pyramid
The concept is similar to The Wall: contenders must climb to the top of a thirty-foot pyramid built from gym mats. Gladiators try to keep them from reaching the top, but this time, the gladiators start on high ground. The gladiators' strategy usually involves tackling the contenders and tumbling with them all the way to the bottom, where the contenders must summon enough intestinal fortitude to try again.

5. Hang Tough
Two platforms are erected in the arena with rings hanging from the ceiling that spans the gap between them. The contender starts from one platform and tries to swing over the opposite platform. But a gladiator starts from the other side with her sights fixed on the contender. Oftentimes, the contender is left holding on for dear life in the middle of the arena with a massive gladiator clutching onto her body.

Top Five Hints For International Air Travel

2008-01-05T12:39:00.000-05:00

As someone who has flown over 255,000 miles since 2003 (yes, I've kept track), I want to share some strategies for how to make international flights a more pleasurable experience and minimize the attendant hassles.

1. Fly foreign airlines
Almost unconditionally, flying a non-American airline to an intercontinental destination will yield a more pleasurable experience. It starts with the booze that's free on virtually all foreign airlines but costs mucho dinero on virtually all U.S.-based airlines. It continues with the attitudes of flight attendants -- while American FA's see their jobs as nothing more than ensuring you get to your destination safely, many foreign FA's actually want you to legitimately enjoy your trip. Plus, when you fly a foreign airline, your cultural experience begins the second you set foot on the plane.

2. Own your misconnection
Airlines will allow you to book a 40-minute late afternoon domestic-to-international connection through O'Hare Airport. Prudent travelers will avoid doing so. Ensure you have plenty of time to make your connection in case of delays. On the way back, or if connecting abroad, ensure you have plenty of time to complete any customs or immigration formalities. Be especially wary if you're taking the only daily flight from a given city to a given destination -- if you miss it, you might be waiting a full day for the next trip. Better to spend three hours awaiting a connection than 24 hours dealing with a misconnection. (By contrast, connections abroad are less of a concern, since once you're already in Europe, it's easier for the airlines to get you where you ultimately need to go.) Flights are late all the time, and while airlines will get you to your destination, they might not be able to do so quickly. Advance planning can reduce such inconveniences.

3. Scope things out in advance
Thanks to the internet, travelers have a wealth of information at the their fingertips which will help them navigate unfamiliar foreign airlines and airports. If airlines allow you pick your seats in advance, visit seatguru.com to find out where you'll be most comfortable sitting on the plan where you'll be stuck for eight to twelve hours. Most airport websites have schematic maps allowing travelers to know where they need to go for check in. Some even have videos explaining how to navigate customs and immigration channels. If you're transferring between terminals, or if your departure airport has multiple terminals, it's helpful to know in advance where your flights will arrive depart.

4. Become an elite-level frequent flier
If you reach a certain annual frequent-flier mile threshold, you can earn elite status. This status grants you such privileges as the right to use special check-in desks with reduced lines, special security checkpoints in some airports, and airline VIP lounges. Not only do these lounges provide better food and drink than you can get on the plane, they have customer service representatives who can rebook you as necessary in case of a misconnection. Furthermore, elite-level frequent fliers improve their chances at upgrades and are more likely to get special attention from airline employees who wish to thank their loyal customers. The 50,000 miles it takes to reach this level may seem like a lot, but individuals who travel internationally three or four times a year can come close just by confining their travels to one airline or alliance.

5. Relax and enjoy yourself
It may be hard to stay positive when dealing with asinine security procedures, cantankerous immigration officials, and never-ending queues. However, the fact of the matter is that the ability to step on an airplane and be transported across an ocean overnight, all for a few hundred dollars, is an amazing feat. It used to take days on an ocean liner to cover the ground that a plane can travel in eight hours. Besides, there is something magical about soaring through the air. To this day, I am filled with excitement anytime an airplane speeds down the runway on its takeoff roll. Commercial flight remains a miracle of engineering and nothing the government or the airlines do can really take that feeling away.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Wild Card Weekend

2008-01-03T12:50:00.000-05:00

Now that the regular season is over, we arrive at that peculiar part of the season where teams with strong records hit the road to face off against teams with lesser records who happen to play in division with weak teams. It doesn't quite seem fair.

In college sports, roughly two-thirds of a given team's schedule is played against conference opponents. The team's conference record is tabulated and reported separately. Conference champions are named based only on how those teams did in conference play. When it comes to seeding teams for the NCAA playoffs, conference champions qualify automatically but receive no special placement (or even a guarantee of a home game, where applicable) because of their championship. Teams' overall record (along with strength of schedule) determines where they sit in the NCAA brackets.

So, it seems really odd to give NFL division champions a home game, yet base that designation on their sixteen-game record, not just how they did against the three teams in their particular division. And furthermore, these divisions are artificial constructs. Unlike the Big Ten, SEC, and their brethren, NFL divisions are nothing more than eight quasi-regional groupings of 32 roughly equal teams. Divisions lack the same personalities or traditions of collegiate conferences.

Furthermore, with only four teams per division, one of whom is guaranteed a home game, there is a significant risk that a team will get a home game simply by being a mediocre team that was grouped in. It's bad enough that the divisional structure allows an 8-8 team to make the postseason when a 10-6 team can theoretically be left out, but it's worse that the 8-8 team would get a home game while the 11-5 wild card team would have to hit the road.

As a result, the Giants must travel to Tampa this weekend as punishment for being placed in the same division as the Dallas Cowboys, while the Bucs are rewarded simply because they had a better season than the Falcons, Saints, and Panthers. It really doesn't matter how the Bucs did in relation to the other 28 teams and I think that's wrong.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-10-1
Season To Date: 115-129-12
Best Bets: 10-7
Final Eliminator: 14-3 (Streak: W 5)
The Monkey: 8-6-3

Redskins (+3) over Seahawks
While the Skins have been riding late-season momentum and seem downright invincible at this point, the Seahawks probably wouldn't have even made the playoffs if they were an AFC team. If Sean Taylor's murder couldn't keep the Skins down, the Seahawks sure won't be able to do so. LOSS

Jaguars (-3) over Steelers
Don't we already know how this game turns out? Of course, with several key injuries to the Steelers, it won't be nearly as close as it was two weeks ago. LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Giants
Every team that gave the Patriots a run for their money this year (all of which, need I point out, were unsuccessful) has found itself on the tail end of the game they played the next week. It happened to the Ravens, Eagles, and Jets, so I have to imagine the same fate will befall the Giants on Sunday. LOSS

Chargers (-10.5) over Titans
If the Titans could only manage a six-point win against Jim Sorgi and the Colts backups (particularly when their failure to call a last-minute time-out showed exactly how much they cared about that game), they don't have a prayer against the Chargers' starters. WIN

BEST BET: Jaguars (-3) over Steelers LOSS

THE MONKEY: Giants (+3) over Bucs WIN

Every Bowl For Itself

2008-01-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

As we are currently in the prime of college football bowl season, I take this opportunity to highlight a major difference between football's and basketball's respective postseasons.

I speak not of the fact that there are 63 less college football teams that are eligible for the national championship three weeks before it is decided. Rather, I take note that college bowls are all more or less independent entities with their own self-interested motivations whereas March Madness is one unified, coherent tournament with no competition.

What should be the goal of a postseason? To reward the best teams? To formulate the most interesting matchups? To sell the most tickets? To maintain an enjoyable tradition? Different bowls pursue different objectives. The Rose Bowl slavishly insists on matching up the best available teams from the Big Ten and Pac-10, even if will inevitably result in a one-sided blowout. Boston College, despite enjoying a top ten ranking for half the season, was relegated to the Champs Sports Bowl largely because people in the Northeast are unaware that college football exists, making bowl games reluctant to invite a team whose fans (or lack thereof) will leave a stadium half-empty.

In a classic example of game theory, each individual bowl is concerned only with making its own game as successful (however they choose to define it) as possible. Individual bowls care little about ensuring the postseason as a whole is entertaining. No bowl wants to take one for the team when those other bowls aren't about to share their gate receipts.

When it comes to March Madness however, the NCAA takes the 31 automatic qualifiers and the 34 best-qualified non-champions, puts them in a bracket, and allows mayhem to ensue. Good games are inevitable -- you just never quite know where they'll spring up. Fans will, by and large, fill the seats, ensuring a healthy bottom line. And as for tradition? The line of succession that includes Valparaiso, Gonzaga, Butler, and George Mason is one of the greatest traditions in sports.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

Now that the confetti has been cleaned up and Dick Clark has been returned to the cryogenic chamber for yet another year, it is my pleasure to wish all of you a very happy new year.

With a new year comes a new set of digits to get used to writing at the conclusion of numerical dates (usually takes me about three weeks to figure that one out) and a year-to-date total of zero miles on my frequent flier account (the annual quest for 50,000 and Premier Executive status begins anew). But with a new year also comes a new set of blog posts and a continuation of meaningless top five lists, offbeat opinions, and a set of six newly-authorized state quarters (for the District of Columbia and the territories) that will require ratings.

Enjoy!

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 17

2007-12-27T17:02:00.000-05:00

This is it -- the game that all of us here in the New England area had hoped would transpire back in early October, well before the Red Sox won the World Series. When the Pats started their season by scoring 38 points in the first three games, with Tom Brady throwing touchdowns to Randy Moss at will, with even supposed contenders like the Chargers and the Cowboys falling by the wayside, Patriots fans fantasized about a perfect season, one that would shut the 1972 Dolphins up for good.

Now, it's here. The Pats are on the cusp of a perfect regular season. All it will take is 60 minutes of halfway-decent football against a team that has nothing to play for and shouldn't have its starters on the field after the ten-minute mark of the second quarter. After Bill Belichick was fined for having perfectly legitimate footage of defensive signals shot from an improper location, the Pats became fired up and have unleashed their aggression on any poor opponent who, through the vagaries of the NFL schedule, is forced to stand in their way. Whether you love them or hate them, you need to respect them.

It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to win sixteen straight games in the NFL. Major League Baseball has some team with that kind of winning streak just about every season. Heck, the Boston Celtics had an eighteen-game streak last year. (Granted, it was a losing streak, which is arguably easier to pull off than a winning streak, but still....) In the NFL, however, parity reigns supreme. Strict salary caps, unbalanced schedules, and the copycat nature of the league make it very difficult for any one team to dominate its competitors. As a result, the Pats' perfection is an even greater accomplishment.

The rest of the country will be watching this game and hoping that the Pats go down, feeling that the Boston area has gotten more than its share of sports karma over the past seven years. I stick my tongue out at them. They should have done a better job picking a team to follow.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-11
Season To Date: 110-119-11
Best Bets: 10-6
Eliminator: 13-3 (Streak: W 4)
The Monkey: 8-6-2

Patriots (-13.5) over Giants
The only downside to going 16-0 is that the milestone is absolutely meaningless unless the Pats win the Super Bowl. For now, let's just enjoy it. LOSS

Bengals (-3) over Dolphins
The only downside to almost going 0-16 is that the milestone is accompanied by the obligation to pay top dollar for an unproven, uncertain college junior in next spring's draft. WIN

Bills (+7.5) over Eagles
You can pencil the Bills in for a playoff berth next year, assuming they don't move to Canada in the meanwhile. LOSS

Seahawks (+1) over Falcons
I wonder whether they get the NFL Network at the Northern Neck Regional Jail in Warsaw, Virginia. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, since on Saturday night, Michael Vick will be able to see how a quarterback who doesn't have a dog-strangling hobby is capable of playing. LOSS

Saints (-2) over Bears
When the powers-that-be put the schedule together, they anticipated that this rematch of last year's NFC Championship would be a preview of a potential playoff matchup. Oops. LOSS

Bucs (+3) over Panthers
You know those touch football games you used to play in the backyard, where you'd switch off who played quarterback each series while everyone else went out for a pass? Well, the Panthers might be best off resorting to such a strategy for the final game of the season. LOSS

Browns (-10) over 49ers
Cleveland is in the unusual position where their playoff berth is completely out of their control. Whether the Browns win or lose, the final AFC wild card spot will be determined by the Tennessee-Indianapolis game. So, do you play hard or do you mail it in? Romeo Crennel is a Bill Belichick disciple, which means he is mentally incapable of resting his starters. WIN

Packers (-4) over Lions
If the Lions were a college football team, the 8-8 record they'd secure with a win this week would qualify them for a spot in the ThirdRateAutoInsuranceCompany.com Bowl to be played January 21st in Little Rock, Arkansas. Thanks goodness for the NFL! WIN

Jaguars (+6.5) over Texans
The fact that all but two playoff berths have been sown up means that Week 17 features such oddities as the fourth-best team in football being one-touchdown underdogs to a divisional rival with a sub-.500 record. LOSS

Chargers (-8) over Raiders
Lane Kiffin has one last chance to impress Al Davis before he must go before his boss and grovel to keep his job for another year. WIN

Jets (-6.5) over Chiefs
If it weren't for the new flex scheduling arrangement, this stinker would be the final Sunday Night Football game of the year. LOSS

Cardinals (-6) over Rams
Another year, another Week 17 game for the Cardinals with no possibility of making the playoffs. WIN

Cowboys (+9) over Redskins
Out goes Terrell Owens, in comes Terry Glenn. At least Bill Parcells never questioned T.O.'s masculinity. LOSS

Vikings (-3) over Broncos
If the Vikings end up missing out on the playoffs, they have nobody to blame but themselves. When you get slaughtered by the team that's breathing down your neck, you don't deserve to be playing in January. LOSS

Steelers (-3.5) over Ravens
The only good news for the Ravens is that their 2007 losing streak will come to an end this Sunday, one way or the other. LOSS

Titans (-6) over Colts
No team lies down and plays dead in Week 17 like the Colts. They seem all too happy to hand this game, and the resulting wild card spot, to the division rival Titans. TIE

BEST BET: Vikings (-3) over Broncos LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Tennessee Titans WIN

THE MONKEY: Bengals (-3) over Dolphins WIN

Top Five Types Of Christmas Carols

2007-12-24T13:55:00.001-05:00

1. Songs about Jesus
These Christmas carols remind us that the true purpose of this holiday is not to run around the mall trying to find the perfect present for relatives about whom you don't particularly care, but to honor the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, we sing "Away In A Manger" and "Joy To The World" and "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "We Three Kings" to commemorate the great miracle that took place 2,007 years ago today (except that it was probably more like 2,010 years ago and it may not have actually happened in late December, but we don't let minor details stand in our way).

2. Songs about Santa
Santa is Jesus' secular rival. Jesus may have died for our sins but Santa is still alive and well, spying on children all year long before hopping in his nine-reindeer-driven flying sleigh and making the rounds across planet Earth on Christmas Eve, hopping down chimneys, leaving presents (or coal) under trees, and snacking on more cookies and milk than he would care to see. We honor Santa through songs like "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Jolly Old St. Nicholas," and the utterly ridiculous "Santa Baby."

3. Songs that may have been fine for Dickensian England but don't make much sense in the 21st century
What's this song about the twelve days of Christmas? Last I checked, there was only one day and most people are back at work on December 26th. Who in today's society would think that 364 separate gifts including pipers piping, maids a-milking, drummers drumming, and a total of forty golden rings are a good idea? How many rings can you wear on ten fingers anyway? When's the last time you decided to decorate for the holiday by decking the halls the boughs of holly? I mean, who talks like that anymore? And when was the last time someone wished good tidings to you and your kin or brought you a figgy pudding?

4. Christmas songs that aren't really about Christmas at all
Songs like "Frosty The Snowman" and "Winter Wonderland" and "Jingle Bells" and "Sleigh Ride" get lumped into the category of Christmas carols, but when you actually listen to the words, you realize that they are generic winter songs that are just as applicable to mid-February as they are to late December. As a result, they are popular selections for public school holiday concerts, since it lets bored parents think they're hearing Christmas carols while school administrators relax, knowing the First Amendment remains intact.

5. Multicultural Christmas songs
For the Hispanic residents of our country (legal or not), we sing "Feliz Navidad." We recognize our 50th state by singing "Mele Kalikimaka." The Germans get "O Tannenbaum" and the French get "De Bon Matin." Ignorant people who don't realize that Hanukkah is actually a second-tier Jewish holiday and instead consider in the Jewish Christmas lump Hanukkah songs into this category. If I knew of any traditional Kwanzaa songs (which is difficult, given the limited tradition of the holiday itself) they'd belong here as well.

Bowl Game Stadium Trivia

2007-12-21T16:06:00.000-05:00

1. Which current bowl game has been played under the greatest number of names?

2. Which stadiums currently host more than one annual bowl game (not including the BCS title game)?

3. What was the last bowl game that matched up two teams from what was then Division I-AA? Which two conferences were represented?

4. Of the current bowl game venues, which one is the northernmost? Southernmost? Easternmost? Westernmost?

5. Why was there no Orange Bowl game played in 1997?

6. Which current bowl venue has the greatest capacity? The smallest capacity?

7. Which bowl game is played in a Major League Baseball stadium?

8. Before the International Bowl, what was the last bowl game played outside the United States?

9. Which non-BCS bowl has the largest payout? Which has the smallest payout?

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Dunkin' Deception

2007-12-20T16:56:00.000-05:00

The menu at Boston's favorite fast food donut and coffee shop has recently undergone a minor makeover lately with the addition of oven-toasted flatbread sandwiches, the expansion of value combos, and the availability of "side orders," namely hash browns (far more flavorful than what you get as breakfast potatoes at McDonald's, by the way).

Look closely at the menu board, however, and you'll now notice that beverages are listed in descending size order (i.e. x-large, large, medium, small), instead of the ascending order that the rest of the world uses. I have arrived at the conclusion that this arrangement is nothing more than a psychological ploy to get people to buy more expensive drinks on one of two theories:

1. Since people naturally read left to right, the first thing they will encounter is the most expensive size. Large beverages at D&D's are a bargain compared with other coffee shops, so people will make the impulse decision to get the large and not read further on the menu, since it's the same price as a small elsewhere.

2. People will see the price on the left of the menu board and assume it's the smallest size that D&D's offers. They won't be thrown off by the fact that it's called "large" because they're so used to Starbucks' "tall, grande, venti" nomenclature.

Once upon a time, businesses made money by selling their customers the right product for their individual needs. Nowadays, business make money by tricking their customers into buying the most expensive thing they can get away with.

(I'd actually forgive them for this sleight-of-hand if they would just dump Rachael Ray as a spokesperson.)

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 16

2007-12-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, the NFL announced the list of players selected to be able to blow off the 2008 Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Tuesday Morning Quarterback -- ESPN's in-house spewer of fire-and-brimstone rhetoric -- always takes this opportunity to denounce the NFL for naming its all-star teams with two weeks left to play. Whether or not TMQ has a point, consider that the other three major sports leagues select their all-star teams after only half a season has elapsed. Those players who do nothing through June then turn it for the season's second half after some unknown kick in the pants (or, in the case of Roger Clemens in 1997, some unknown shot in the butt), are out of luck.

Besides, the accolade of being selected is far more important than actually playing in the game. A long season is over and road-weary players just want to spend time with their families. With the exception of the two Super Bowl teams, everyone else hung up their pads a minimum of three weeks before the season-ending exhibition. Did I mention that with all the rules the NFL imposes to prevent injuries, the game itself an absolute joke? The Pro Bowl is such a loser that the NFL now requires TV networks to cover it as a condition of broadcasting the Super Bowl.

As for Fred Taylor, Mario Williams, and everyone else who was snubbed, first ask yourself if you really want to go to this game anyway, and second, take solace in the fact that half the starters will drop out for various reasons over the next month and a half, opening a space for you after all. The night before last year's game, they were looking for any live body who could catch a flight to Hawaii in order to fill out the rosters.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 105-108-11
Best Bets: 10-5
Eliminator: 12-3 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 8-5-2

Steelers (-7.5) over Rams
This one will be long, so bear with me. When my little brother was growing up, he used to go to hebrew school with this kid named Aaron Bass (who, for some inexplicable reason, we always called Evan Bass). This kid was a whiny brat and a total social misfit. When my brother went over to his house for the first (and last) time, Aaron Bass threw building blocks at him. Anyway, one year, my brother has this recurring case of strep throat. We tried to figure out where he got it from and eventually came to the conclusion that he caught it from Aaron Bass three or four times in the span of as many weeks. Fast forward to last Thursday night: I turned on the NFL Network to watch the Broncos-Texans game, and after a few minutes, I realized that I wasn't irritated by the play-by-play like I usually am. It turned out that Bryant Gumbel was scratched from the broadcast with a case of strep throat. I could actually enjoy listening to the game with substitute commentator Tom Hammond in the booth. So, if I could, I'd love to send Aaron Bass over the Gumbel household before this week's game as well. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Panthers
Dallas fans have obtained a restraining order requiring Jessica Simpson to stay no less than five miles away from wherever the Cowboys are playing. LOSS

Jaguars (-13) over Raiders
The fact that not a single player from the Jacksonville Jaguars -- the fifth-best team in the NFL right now -- was named to the Pro Bowl is disgraceful. WIN

Chiefs (+4.5) over Lions
If I could be paid millions of dollars to come up with the same lack of results as Matt Millen, I would be living a dream. LOSS

Colts (-7) over Texans
When you think about it, the fact that a team could go 14-2 and yet is mathematically eliminated from the number one seed with two games left to play is unbelievable. WIN

Saints (-3) over Eagles
Brian Westbrook's game-sealing laydown left Chad Johnson to wonder why he can't garner similar anounts of praise for not scoring touchdowns. LOSS

Bills (+3) over Giants
His lackluster performance in last week's crucial division game demonstrates that Eli Manning plays the Peyton Manning role perfectly. LOSS

Packers (-8.5) over Bears
I'd like everyone who was clamoring for the Aaron Rodgers era to start near the end of last season to raise their hands. Anyone? Anyone? Not so high and mighty anymore now, are we? LOSS

Browns (-3) over Bengals
Unlike the Jets, the Browns managed to fill their head coaching job with a former Patriots defensive coordinator who's actually capable of winning games. LOSS

Cardinals (-10) over Falcons
Memo to those boneheads on the Falcons with the t-shirts last week: You can break out your "Free Mumia" gear, since it's arguable that he never got a fair trial. (Though that was so 1999.) But Michael Vick voluntarily pled guilty to dogfighting charges knowing that the offense carried a statutory maximum penalty of five years. For you to suggest that there was some miscarriage of justice in Vick's case trivializes the plight of those people who actually are screwed over by the system. LOSS

Bucs (-6) over 49ers
Since the Pats own San Francisco's draft pick, it might behoove Bill Belichick to supply the Bucs with some special footage of the Niners' defensive signals, if you know what I mean. LOSS

Jets (+8.5) over Titans
When they print the NFL standings, the New York Post puts an asterisk next to the Patriots with the notation "caught cheating." They should also put an asterisk next to the Jets with the notation "caught sucking." WIN

Seahawks (E) over Ravens
When someone else avoids the moniker of "Worst Team Ever" by beating you, it clearly is not your year. WIN

Patriots (-22) over Dolphins
While I really wanted to see a 14-0 team play an 0-14 team, the Dolphins' win last week means they have absolutely nothing else to play for. LOSS

Vikings (-6.5) over Redskins
Sean Taylor was posthumously elected a starter for the Pro Bowl, barely edging out Mel Carnahan and Patsy Mink for the slot. LOSS

Broncos (+8.5) over Chargers
Denver's completely unpredictable season continues, though last week I managed to correctly predict a game of theirs for only the second time since Week Four. LOSS

BEST BET: Browns (-3) over Bengals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Arizona Cardinals WIN

THE MONKEY: Cardinals (-10) over Falcons LOSS

Top Five Places I'll Never Be Able To Visit

2007-12-16T23:16:00.000-05:00

Never is probably an overstatement, but visiting any of the places on this list would require either navigating some serious red tape or some out-and-out deception.

1. Tehran, Iran
I found out just the other day that, counter to the desert outpost stereotype of a Middle Eastern city, Tehran sits below a towering range of mountains which regularly experiences snowfall during the winter months. Just a few kilometers outside the city lies the start of the world's highest ski lift, taking passengers near to the top of a ridge near the 13,005 foot summit of Mt. Tochal. If you look at pictures of Tehran and ignore the signs in Farsi, you'd swear it was Denver. But while Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has proclaimed that his country is open to American tourism, a visa application nonetheless requires you to provide two residents of Iran who will serve as references. I'm told that the government actually shows up and grills them.

2. Mecca, Saudi Arabia
Getting a visa for Saudi Arabia is trouble enough, since the country does not allow people to enter for touristic purposes. Therefore, I need to find some business purpose to go to the country, or suddenly find family there, or claim I'm a religious pilgrim. Even if I make into Saudi Arabia though, the holy city of Mecca is only open to those of the Muslim faith. I'd love to experience the spectacle of the Hajj and take in the beauty of the Kaaba firsthand, but I don't know whether I'm willing to convert to a new faith to do so.

3. Pyongyang, North Korea
Kim Jong Il's dystopia is something straight out of 1984. A massive planned society, every member of North Korea's homogenized society knows their role and follows the rules, leaving the city squeaky clean and the roads largely free of traffic (which is easy to do since only the highest-ranking members of the party faithful are allowed to drive). Monumental, futurist works of architecture are dedicated in honor of the Eternal President and the Dear Leader. American tourists are only allowed into the country a couple of weeks each year, and then, they're only allowed on strictly controlled tours run by government officials. In other words, you only see what they want you to see.

4. Havana, Cuba
Cuba is the ultimate forbidden fruit for Americans. While seeing a world essentially frozen in the 1950's sounds cool, the fact of the matter is that Cuba is so attractive largely because it's off-limits. Not too long ago, Americans could circumvent the embargo by traveling via a third country and avoiding the telltale passport stamp. But the Bush administration has decided to enforce a policy that's obviously worked so well over the past forty years by cracking down on individual tourists who visit Fidel Castro's regime. Once the old guy kicks the bucket, American tourists will flock to the island, but once that happens, what's the point of bothering to go?

5. Antarctica
You can't exactly book a commercial flight to Antarctica, though if you're willing to do some research and throw some money at it, you can find yourself an eco-tourism cruise expedition that will take you to the bottom of the world. Therein lies the rub, since I tend to avoid both cruises and organized tours. Additionally, an expedition exploring anything beyond the tip of the Antarctic Peninsula would involve some intensive, cold-weather hiking and camping. I'll hike all day and I'll sleep in crappy budget hotels in third-world countries, but camping? Count me out.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 15

2007-12-13T14:40:00.000-05:00

Anyone who regularly watches football games has seen this scenario: offensive team stands milling around, waiting for a play call to come in from the sidelines. Eventually, with about fifteen seconds left on the play clock, the team huddles up hurriedly. Then, with five second left, the players themselves at the line of scrimmage. The quarterback sees something he doesn't like in the defensive formation and calls up and down the line, checking off the planned play for an audible. But, he doesn't have enough time to make sure everyone gets the message, and with the play clock about to hit zero, he pulls out from under center and calls a time out.

Popular wisdom seems to dictate that the quarterback call a timeout in this situation, but I want to challenge this convention. Teams only receive three timeouts per half, so naturally, they should use them only when necessary, such as to stop the clock in the final two minutes or to reset their defense if they're not ready for a play or to challenge a call.

Saving yourself a five-yard penalty near midfield early in a game doesn't seem to carry the same import. Teams regularly absorb ten-yard holding penalties or sacks of eight to twelve yards yet still manage to convert for the first down. Sure, a five-yard setback never helps your cause (unless you're Russ Hochstein and the Patriots), but as far as penalties go, it's pretty minimal.

Next time a quarterback realizes he won't be able to get a play off on time, I'd love to see him just step back, leave his arms at his side, and let the officials throw a flag. Five yards isn't worth a timeout. Consider the five yards to be the cost of being able to stop the clock at will down the stretch.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 10-6
Season To Date: 98-99-11
Best Bets: 9-5
Eliminator: 11-3 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 7-5-2

Texans (-1) over Broncos
Somehow, I doubt that Comcast will be besieged by phone calls from people complaining about being unable to watch games on the NFL Network this week. WIN

Bengals (-8) over 69ers
I'm going to start referring to San Francisco as the 69ers -- because they suck. LOSS

Jets (+23.5) over Patriots
I can't remember the last time that the spread and the over/under were basically the same number. The only thing that might keep this game respectable is the nor'easter that's scheduled to arrive in town Sunday afternoon. WIN

Falcons (+13.5) over Bucs
Between Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino, the Falcons lost two major fixtures in less than 48 hours. At least players can go visit Bobby Petrino without submitting to a strip search and body cavity check. LOSS

Titans (-4) over Chiefs
You're not going to get far in this league if you led a team that's been dead to rights for the first 52 minutes of a game rally for 20 straight points and an overtime victory. WIN

Seahawks (-7.5) over Panthers
Carolina asked the NFL for permission to use its 2008 first round pick early, just to get a semi-competent live body behind center. LOSS

Packers (-10) over Rams
Brett Favre's injury ended up lasting about as long as his last three retirements. The streak is alive! WIN

Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens
When you look back and realize what Nick Saban was running away from, he doesn't seem like quite the weasel. Most people would have done the same thing. WIN

Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals
With a chance to make the playoffs if they could pull off a late-season run, the Cards predictably wilted under the pressure. WIN

Jaguars (+3.5) over Steelers
Something tells me that the Steelers won't be letting Anthony Smith make any more motivational speeches this year. WIN

Bills (+5.5) over Browns
Of the thirteen games the Browns have played this year, ten have been decided by ten points or less, four have come down to a field goal, and two have gone to overtime. In a related story, pacemaker retailers in the Cleveland metropolitan area are reporting record sales. LOSS

Colts (-10.5) over Raiders
Indy has second place in the AFC all locked up, so they might as well give their starters a rest so that they're nice and rusty by the time they meet the Pats in the playoffs. LOSS

Lions (+10) over Chargers
Jon Kitna's early-season guarantee that his team would win ten games now looks about as accurate as, well, Anthony Smith's promise last week. LOSS

Cowboys (-10.5) over Eagles
Good teams win blowouts. Great teams manage to dig themselves out of holes when it looks like all hope is lost. (Of course, inept play-calling by the opponent never hurts.) LOSS

Giants (-4.5) over Redskins
Eli Manning is unstoppable... unless, of course, it's the first, second, or third quarter of a professional football game. LOSS

Vikings (-10) over Bears
Rex Grossman says he'd love to come back to the Bears if they want him. Of course, that's the same thing Brian Dunkleman said after the first season of American Idol. LOSS

BEST BET: Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Indianapolis Colts WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens WIN

I ♥ Huckabee (Not)

2007-12-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

Since he's now the supposed front-runner, I decided to check out the platform for former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. I was horrified. Among the things Huckabee stands for are a complete ban on abortion (even in cases of rape or for the health of the mother), a belief that homosexuality is sinful and abnormal, support for posting the Ten Commandments inside classrooms, no federal funding of stem cell research, and acceptance of creationism (which I can't even believe is even still on the table in the 21st century).

Now, I consider myself a libertarian-conservative -- libertarian on social issues, conservative on fiscal issues. I don't care much for the anti-gay rhetoric and religious grandstanding in which many Republicans engage, but I'm usually willing to overlook such beliefs in order to find a candidate with sound budgetary priorities. In Huckabee's case, however, his religious convictions seem so pervasive and so vehement that I don't think I could support the man if he becomes the eventual Republican nominee.

Maybe I'm just totally out of touch, but for the life of me, I can't understand what people see in this guy. Are there really that many people out there who want a slice of Jesus served as a side dish to their daily life? Even self-described conservatives that I personally know don't particularly care to have religion so intertwined with politics. Perhaps it's different in the Heartland and there really are masses of people who would want nothing more than to see our country transformed into a theocracy. But when it comes to the general election, I can't in a million years see Huckabee's bible thumping carrying the day.

If the religious zealots insist on nominating a candidate who most closely represents their own agenda rather than one who could actually win an election while keeping some of their interests in mind, we should get ready for these three words: President Hillary Clinton.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 14

2007-12-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

Loyal readers of this column know how I am a decided proponent of the instant replay system. With only sixteen games in a season, every single call has the potential to decide a team's season. However, the system is not quite perfect.

The largest gripe I have is that outside of the two minute warning, coaches have the responsibility to challenge calls on their own. The guy sitting up in the replay booth can hang out and eat overpriced hot dogs for 56 minutes and watch the game each Sunday, all on the NFL's dime, before he actually has to do something. I understand how coaches would sometimes want to insist that the officials take another look at a crucial call, but coaches have 45 players to look after already. They don't need to supervise seven officials as well.

The idea of limiting the number of challenges and assessing a time out for challenges that are upheld makes sense as a measure to keep games from getting out of hand, but I don't see quite what time outs have to do with challenges. In other words, why should a team be barred from challenging a play, even if they have a challenge remaining, just because they had already spent time outs in strategically appropriate situations earlier in the half? Forcing a team to keep a time out in reserve just in case they need to overturn a clearly erroneous call by an official seems to be a forced misplacement of priorities. I propose that if a team is out of time outs, the officials should still allow rightful challenges subject to the caveat that if unsuccessful, the team should be punished with a five-yard (or ten-yard) penalty.

Both of these problems would be solved by adopting the NCAA model. In the NCAA, while coaches have a certain number of challenges, a replay official can initiate a review, sua sponte, at any time. It is true that college football replays are conducted in the booth and that the referee need not duck under the hood to watch the play himself, which ostensibly speeds things up, but in the NFL, it is more important to get the calls right rather than make them quickly. Besides, replay officials will probably initiate reviews on plays that coaches would have challenged anyway. And if replay officials can call for challenges themselves, teams without timeouts (or challenges) remaining would no longer be helpless.

Further, the challenge system breeds this ridiculous ritual where offensive teams that benefit from a questionable call rush up to the line and try to snap the ball before the challenge flag comes flying. One astute commentator pointed out that a mad dash to snap the ball is an indication in and of itself that you should be throwing the flag. However, unless we want to engage in perverse exercises of revisionist history by winding back the clock two minutes to reverse a call on the previous drive, the one-play statute of limitations on replay is a necessary evil.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 88-93-11
Best Bets: 8-5
Eliminator: 10-3 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 6-5-2

Redskins (-3) over Bears
After last week's ill-fated illegal time out call, Joe Gibbs got a call from Chris Webber assuring him that everything would work out just fine. WIN

Bills (-7) over Dolphins
While Nick Buoniconti and company need to keep the champagne corks unpopped for at least another week, the 1976 Buccaneers are anxiously awaiting their opportunity to open up their bottles of Colt 45 once (if?) the Dolphins finally win a game. WIN

Rams (+6) over Bengals
The Rams are 3-1 since their bye week and are currently petitioning the NFL to retroactively extend the preseason from four to twelve games. LOSS

Jaguars (-10.5) over Panthers
David Garrard is unquestionably the most underrated quarterback in the league. Meanwhile, Vinny Testaverde is counting down the games until he can take out social security. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Lions
Usually the Lions don't even bother waiting until November to go into their annual nose dive. Which raises the question once again: how is Matt Millen still employed? LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Texans
Luke McCown might be just as good at rallying the team to an exciting victory, but Jeff Garcia still has the hotter wife. LOSS

Raiders (+10) over Packers
Packers fans have seen the post-Favre future, and it ain't pretty. Here's hoping the NFL's ironman takes whatever pain-killers he needs (and even some that he doesn't) in order to play in Sunday's game. LOSS

Chargers (E) over Titans
Tennessee is a team I really respect and every time they take the field, I hope they win. Too bad it takes more than my individual hope to overcome flat play. WIN

Giants (+3) over Eagles
Donovan McNabb wants to return to the field from injury this week. He wants to go head-to-head with Eli Manning to see who can choke up this game worse. WIN

Vikings (-9) over 49ers
At the end of September (i.e. before the Lions started playing like the Lions), we all figured that two teams from the NFC North would make the playoffs. We just didn't think it would be the Vikings. WIN

Seahawks (-7) over Cardinals
If the NFL were a English soccer-style league with promotion and relegation at the end of each season, then the Arizona Cardinals would be Tottenham Hotspur -- while they come up with enough wins each year to stave off demotion, they're never really in contention for the top prize. WIN

Chiefs (+6.5) over Broncos
Once again, I have proven myself completely inept at picking any game involving the Broncos. So, I've decided to just guess. LOSS

Browns (-3) over Jets
The Jets might want to send Isiah Thomas and the Knicks a special thank-you present this Christmas season, since without the Knicks, the Jets would be the biggest sports laughing-stock in New York City. WIN

Steelers (+10.5) over Patriots
You know your team is truly charmed when they get six downs to make a conversion where all other teams only get four. LOSS

Colts (-9) over Ravens
Baltimore fans are planning to take revenge on the Colts franchise for what happened in 1984 by blockading the stadium after Sunday night's game and preventing the Colts from skipping town yet again. WIN

Saints (-4) over Falcons
After that 3-0 Pittsburgh game and that 24-0 walkover by the Seahawks over the 49ers and then this snoozer, ESPN should be barging down the door of the NFL offices demanding a renegotiation of their contract. WIN

BEST BET: Giants (+3) over Eagles WIN
ELIMINATOR: Buffalo Bills WIN

THE MONKEY: Vikings (-9) over 49ers WIN

50 State Quarters Rated: 2008

2007-12-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

At long last, the U.S. Mint has released the official designs for the final five state quarters. As always, I have opinions to share. (FYI, legislation has been introduced that would prolong the program for a year in order to issue coins spotlighting the District of Columbia and the five territories. In that case, we'll obviously chime in with our two -- or twenty-five -- cents.)

Oklahoma
If you showed me this quarter and asked me which state it represented, I would run through most of the Southeast, Northeast, Midwest, and Pacific Northwest before I would guess Oklahoma. The scissor-tailed flycatcher may be a unique bird and the Indian Blankets may be the official state flower, but nothing about the quarter itself shows me what Oklahoma itself looks like (aside from the fact that it evidently has lots of these birds and flowers running around). A state outline would go a long way here.
Rating: 5¢

New Mexico
This quarter makes a decent effort to represent the state but it could do more. I like the state outline and the motto. The Zia sun symbol is ubiquitous in New Mexico and I couldn't imagine a quarter without it. While incorporating terrain into the state logo is an interesting gloss, I feel that it's used an excuse to avoid actually depicting a scene from state. I can tell where the mountains and rivers are, I just can't tell what they look like. Overall, it comes across a bit bland.
Rating: 10¢

Arizona
If New Mexico's quarter is too bland, Arizona's is too frantic. I applaud the state's desire to highlight the dual icons of the Grand Canyon and the Saguaro cactus. I also applaud the state's commitment to accuracy in dividing the two icons with a sash in order to demonstrate that they're not found in the same part of the state. But this quarter goes too far in trying to be realistic. A coin that's just over an inch in diameter is just too plain small for a realistic depiction of intricate geologic and botanical formations.
Rating: 10¢

Alaska
We'll start with what I don't like: I would have hoped to see mountains or glaciers on this quarter and I've never heard the nickname "The Great Land" used for Alaska. ("The Last Frontier," yes.) But this quarter does a nice job showing off Alaska's unadulterated wilderness with a primal scene of bear snatching a salmon out of a cascading river. The subtle inclusion of a single star is a brilliant way to recognize the iconic North Star highlighted on the Alaska state flag, especially since it is positioned in roughly the same place on the quarter and flag.
Rating: 20¢

Hawaii
I'm a fan of the state outline, and while the foreign language phrase is voluminous, it is the official state motto, so I'll cut it some slack. King Kamehameha is certainly an important figure in Hawaii's history, plus his inclusion creates the novelty of royalty depicted on American currency. There does seem to be an excess of blank space on this quarter, but as an island state, Hawaii can't really help it. I guess the only major thing I would change would be finding some way to put a volcano on the coin.
Rating: 15¢

Overtime Insanity

2007-11-29T19:52:00.000-05:00

After the #1 team in the country lost to Arkansas last week, some brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not brilliant) sportswriter opined that LSU is not worthy of a spot in the BCS title game after giving up 50 points to an unranked team. What the myopic scribe failed to mention in that lede was that 22 of the 50 points were given up in a three-round overtime procedure where even the most mediocre of teams can't help but score.

After sixty minutes of playing football on a hundred-yard field, the field suddenly shrinks to 25 yards for overtime. The winner of the game is determined not by which team is better but my which team's red zone offense is better. Punters can take the rest of the night off, kickers rarely have to try field goals more than forty yards in length, any sort of field position strategy is nullified, and teams no longer need to decide whether they want to concede a short play to cover deep in case of a long bomb. An interesting consequence is that players can use any illegal means necessary to stop the defense from returning an interception for a touchdown since the other team will start anew at the 25-yard-line anyway.

So, by distilling games down to just this one element, we end up with distorted scores and statistics (yep, they all count the same as in regulation) and less consequence that the best team won. I guess the equivalent would be starting extra innings in baseball with three men on, or deciding hockey games by one-on-one penalty shootouts (oh, wait....). Unlike overtime in the NFL, each team is indeed guaranteed a possession, but only at the expense of three-quarters of the field.

And yet, I love it. The fan in me, the one who craves excitement and suspense and the knowledge that any one play can decide a game, relishes the thought of overtime and prays that a kicker will miss his last-second 29-yard chip shot with a tie score so that I can see this wonderful, well, gimmick. He strangles the purist in me who tries to convince him that this gimmick is a perversion of the game and an unfair (at least incomplete) method to determine a winner. Maybe guaranteed excitement and non-stop offense is reason enough to justify college football overtime.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 13

2007-11-29T17:29:00.000-05:00

The NFL community was shocked on Monday when news broke that Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor was shot in the leg by an intruder while relaxing in his Miami-area home. Early signs suggested that Taylor was aware of his surroundings and on the path to recovery, but in the end, the excessive blood loss proved too much for Taylor to handle and he passed away at the age of 24.

It seems like just yesterday (in fact, it was less than a year ago) that we mourned the tragic death of Darrent Williams, the second-year cornerback for the Denver Broncos who was slain in a drive-by shooting during the wee hours of New Year's Day. Then, in May, Patriots defensive end Marquise Hill drowned while jet skiing in his home state of Louisiana.

The NFL has experienced much grief over the past year. One would hope the fact that three promising young players died in the span of eleven months is merely a coincidence. After all, police still don't have a motive in the Williams slaying and don't believe that Williams was even the intended target of the shots. And when it comes to Taylor, police currently believe that the attack was a robbery gone bad, not a calculated act of gang-land blood vengeance. Taylor just happened to be the wrong person who was in his fancy house when it was invaded at the wrong time.

Football fans hope that their favorite players realize how lucky they are to be paid millions of dollars for playing a schoolyard game. Fans hope that players take care of themselves and not subject themselves to unnecessary risks and not associate with the wrong characters. Yeah, maybe Hill made a fatal mistake by not opting to wear a life jacket, but what did Williams do wrong? Party with a bunch of friends? Hire a limo so he wouldn't have to drive after drinking that night? Maybe Taylor's assumedly luxurious home was a target to robbers, but can you really fault a multi-millionaire for wanting to live somewhere nice?

We all wish we had more answers and I wish I could give them to you.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 6-10
Season To Date: 81-84-11
Best Bets: 7-5
Eliminator: 9-3 (Streak: L 1)
The Monkey: 5-5-2

Cowboys (-7) over Packers
The Thursday night matchup features the third Game of the Century played this season. Too bad fans (at least those who can even get the game) will have to listen to the insufferable Bryant Gumbel provide such gems as, "it would behoove the Falcons to get a first down here." WIN

Jets (+1) over Dolphins
Ricky Williams' season is over thanks to a tear of his chest muscle. He wanted to keep on playing but the NFL denied his request for permission to use medical marijuana. WIN

Vikings (-3.5) over Lions
I could make relentless fun of Jon Kitna for predictably choking just when his team looked like they were for real, but that wouldn't be the Christian thing to do. Thank goodness I'm a Jew. WIN

Seahawks (+3) over Eagles
The Eagles are rewarding A.J. Feeley for nearly pulling off the biggest upset of the season by letting Donovan McNabb have his job back if he's healthy. Sucks to be a white quarterback, huh? WIN

Titans (-4) over Texans
My early-season "sexy pick" to make the playoffs has faltered. Fortunately, they managed to get their hands on the footage shot last week by Chad Johnson hoping that it will give them the edge they need to prevail over the Titans. WIN

Colts (-7) over Jaguars
How good can a wide receiver really be if the first four letters of his name are "crap"? LOSS

Redskins (-5.5) over Bills
My intended joke about the Bills hiring Jeff Giloolly to ensure a win over the Skins this week quickly took a turn into bad taste with the news that broke early Tuesday morning. Instead, I see Sean Taylor's tragic death as an event that will galvanize the Redskins and get them to play strong, united football for all 60 minutes (not just 58) of each game down the stretch en route to a possible playoff spot. LOSS

Chargers (-5.5) over Chiefs
Philip Rivers yelled at Chargers fans to shut up after he was booed off the field on Sunday. I could never see Tom Brady in such a situation, primarily because he never does anything that warrants booing. WIN

49ers (+3) over Panthers
Every 49ers victory takes the Patriots one step away from an early first round draft pick that they totally don't need but would be awesome to get, if only to shove a middle finger in the face of every other team in the NFL. (It would be even more awesome if the Pats had a better draft pick than the Jets.) LOSS

Falcons (E) over Rams
(Broadway Joe finished his career with the Rams, which is how I justify using this joke for this game.) Sources have revealed that Jake Gyllenhaal will play Joe Namath in a film depicting the Hall of Fame quarterback's life. No word on whether Heath Ledger has been cast as Suzy Kolber in the "I want to kiss you!" scene. LOSS

Browns (E) over Cardinals
In one of the less brilliant decisions of the season, Arizona elected to field a punt at its own two-yard line in overtime rather than letting the ball potentially bounce into the end zone for a touchback. Kurt Warner fumbled a snap in the end zone and the 49ers covered it for the touchdown and the win. People wonder why the Cardinals are mediocre year after year. The desert heat is obviously doing something to their cognitive functions. LOSS

Broncos (-3.5) over Raiders
Every single instinct I've had about the Broncos this year has been dead wrong. Therefore, I'm basing my selection for this game on my instinct that the Raiders consistently suck. LOSS

Saints (-3) over Bucs
Jeff Garcia is fighting a back injury and might not play this weekend. Bucs fans and Garcia's Playboy Playmate wife both want him to make a quick recovery, but for vastly different reasons. LOSS

Giants (-1.5) over Bears
Eli Manning's uncontrollable inferiority complex led him to seek to emulate big brother Peyton once again last week. Once again though, Eli proved inferior, throwing only four interceptions to Peyton's six. WIN

Bengals (+7) over Steelers
After Heinz Field became the biggest quagmire this side of Iraq last Monday night, the Steelers have decided to play the rest of their home games according to Canadian rules, hoping that awarding a single-point rouge for touchback punts and missed field goals actually allows teams to score during the first 59 minutes and 40 seconds of the game. LOSS

Patriots (-20.5) over Ravens
Having experienced my team barely eke out a win against the Eagles, I can now definitively say that blowing teams out of the water is much more fun. LOSS

BEST BET: Giants (-1.5) over Bears WIN
ELIMINATOR: New England Patriots WIN

THE MONKEY: Jets (+1) over Dolphins WIN

Big Ten Scheduling

2007-11-26T18:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not the world's biggest college football fan, but as the season draws to a close, I have been paying attention to the goings-on in the NCAA FBS. It's pretty exciting. Naturally, I can't help but develop opinions about what I see unfolding before me. For the purposes of this series I'll call College Football Thoughts, we will assume that the BCS system actually has merit and will be here to stay indefinitely.

The Big Ten does its members a major disservice by ending its season the weekend before Thanksgiving. All of the other conferences remain in action the next weekend with various rivalry games and other league contests. The weekend afterward, the Big XII, ACC, and SEC have conference championships while the Pac-10 features the USC-UCLA game and the Big East showcases the Backyard Brawl between West Virginia and Pitt.

Last year, Ohio State looked thoroughly outmatched in the BCS championship game. After all, they hadn't played competitive football for the seven weeks prior to that game. Meanwhile, Michigan, which was idle for the final two weeks in the season could do nothing to make their case to the poll voters while Florida made its run to the SEC championship.

I'm sure that the Big Ten has valid reasons for ending its season so early (e.g. letting the student-athletes actually concentrate on school), but in this era of big money college sports, they need to rework their scheduling so that they don't drop out of the public consciousness. I understand that the Big Ten doesn't want to expand to include a twelfth team in order to gain the right to contest a lucrative conference championship game, which is fine, but they need to do something else to remain viable. Therefore, the conference needs to break with tradition, either by postponing the Michigan-Ohio State game by a week or two, or by scheduling games for another week or two after The Rivalry. With the advent of the twelve-game season, Big Ten teams now must play twelve games in a row without a break, then sit idle and lose their momentum while awaiting bowl season. There are more than twelve weeks in the season, so it would behoove the Big Ten to use all of them.

Top Five Worst Origin/Destination Airports (Domestic Edition)

2007-11-25T15:12:00.000-05:00

1. Atlanta-Hartsfield
The MARTA offers a one-seat ride from downtown to the airport. The benefits of departing ATL end there. Once at the airport, you need to negotiate the horribly congested central security checkpoints, take the underground train to one of six parallel linear concourses, make your way above ground, and walk to your gate, which can be quite some distance if it's on either end of the concourse. There are no moving sidewalks within the concourses. But what puts ATL atop this list is the asinine procedure for international arrivals: After waiting for your bag and clearing customs, you must recheck your bag and clear security (including full shoe removal and liquid confiscation), even if you're not connecting to another flight. Then, you take the train to the main terminal and wait at the baggage claim for your luggage a second time.

2. New York-LaGuardia
The cramped plot of land that LaGuardia occupies makes you wonder how a major airport even functions in such a small area. Indeed, it barely functions, with takeoff queues a good 20 or 30 aircraft deep at peak times for one of two runways. On your way to the airport, you must figure out which cramped, undersized terminal houses your airline, which is a task made more complicated by the fact that certain airlines (i.e. Delta) depart from different locations depending on your destination. LaGuardia is relatively close to Manhattan, but there is no good public transit connection to the airport. You are left either taking a bus (and good luck finding guidance regarding which bus to take) or a lengthy taxi ride. As anyone who has been to New York knows, a short distance does not ensure a quick ride.

3. Las Vegas-McCarran
Ninety percent of the time, McCarran is satisfactorily efficient. But when it comes to peak travel periods (Friday evening arrivals, Sunday afternoon departures, and anytime immediately before or after a major convention), all hell breaks lose. The ticket counter area is too small to handle peak crowds, so lines routinely stretch out onto the sidewalk. The security checkpoints for the C and D gates are on a balcony cantilevered over the baggage claim. While airport authority has upgraded the area, it remains too small for peak crowds. Departing out of the D Gates (basically any domestic airline besides US Airways and Southwest) requires a train ride to a remote terminal. While waiting for your flight, you can make use of slot machines that have the worst odds in Vegas or purchase the most overpriced food at any airport in the country. Arriving at McCarran, assuming you survive the potentially intolerable wait for your bags, you are faced with what can be an hour-long wait in the taxi queue at peak times.

4. Washington-Dulles
Dulles is horrible for origin/destination traffic for all the same reasons that it sucks as a connecting airport, plus the fact that it has no connection to DC's otherwise comprehensive Metro rail system. Consolidated, central security checkpoints make for long waits in the mornings and late afternoons. Up until recently, they didn't even have special lanes for frequent fliers and first class passengers. Getting from the security area to your gate requires waiting for a mobile lounge, which is a glorious bus, to depart according to a fixed schedule (i.e. not yours). The food and entertainment offerings in the gate area are also lacking for an airport this size. If you're arriving from Latin America, you better hope your plane doesn't arrive early, since the customs officers are scheduled to show up at 7:00 a.m. and not a moment before.

5. Miami
Miami is the only airport I've visited in the 50 states where public address announcements are made first in Spanish, and only then (if at all) in English. You feel like a foreigner in your own country. Latin American flights arrive in the early morning hours, overwhelming the customs processing areas. Since most of the non-American passengers require visas, the process is predictably slower than at airport handling mainly trans-Atlantic international traffic. Security checkpoints are in cramped quarters atop escalators, requiring passengers to wait in line before being allowed to go upstairs and wait in line. (To its credit, I have reason to believe that since my last visit to MIA, the airport has engaged in renovations that will alleviate these bottlenecks.) If you're driving to the airport (and there's really no other effective way to get there), you're stuck on one of two oft-crowded expressways.

Turkey Bowl XVIII Recap

2007-11-24T13:32:00.000-05:00

It was a mild Thanksgiving afternoon, though the field at the Littleton Middle School was enshrouded in fog, making it difficult to see all the way from one end zone to the other. Of course, the Turkey Bowl is played on a 50-yard field, keeping visibility from becoming an issue until the inevitable onset of darkness. With several of our usual players missing, Turkey Bowl XVIII would be an intimate, four-on-four, family affair. In a departure from usual tradition, this game would be played by flag football rules rather than as two-hand touch.

I was joined on my team by Chuck Gould (my uncle), Tiana Gould (Chuck's younger daughter), and Nadine Nadow (my cousin). The opponents were anchored by Travis Nadow (Nadine's brother), accompanied by Melyssa Nadow (Nadine and Travis' sister), Sherry Gould (mother to the three Nadows), and Monique Gould (Chuck's older daughter).

The game got off to an inauspicious start when Chuck fumbled the opening kickoff and Travis recovered the loose ball. But Travis' team went three-and-out and punted the ball away. My team recovered, and within two plays -- one of which was a well-executed trick play where Nadine handed Tiana the ball and proceeded to pick her up and carry her down the field -- drew first blood. Travis quickly responded with a touchdown of his own, taking advantage of a blitz to scramble out of the pocket and run down the field.

Much of the game was a defensive struggle, with dropped passes, interceptions, punts, and nary a first down. At one point, I tipped a pass into my hands for an interception and took it to the end zone for a 14-7 lead that was quickly nullified when Travis returned the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown of his own.

As the game wore down, I laid a nasty block on Travis after a punt, knocking him to the ground and allowing Nadine to return the ball to the end zone. But Travis responded once again with a touchdown return on the ensuing kickoff. My team then found itself on the 15-yard line after yet another strong kick return, looking to go ahead for good. A run by Tiana put us in prime position but our offense stalled on the six and we were forced to turn the ball over on downs. Travis and Melyssa did their best to advance the ball, but on fourth-and-two from their own 14, Travis' pass fell incomplete.

The onset of nightfall ensured that my team's drive would be the last of the game. The decreased visibility would also pose a challenge. At 21-21, the worst we could do was tie. A quick dump-off to Nadine looked to be the game-winner until Melyssa pulled her flag at the one-yard line. The play was long enough for a first down, giving us four shots at the end zone. On first down, Travis and Melyssa blitzed, pulling my flag for a three-yard loss before I could throw the ball away. My second down pass to Nadine was incomplete. On third down, with visibility rapidly waning, Tiana and I misconnected with the snap and the ball rolled away. I covered it, but we had lost seven yards and had to go for it on fourth-and-goal from the ten.

Knowing that it would be the game's final play, I looked over the middle to where Nadine and Chuck were crossing. One of them tipped the pass in an attempt to catch it, but Travis was able to intercept it and turned on the jets in attempt to take it all the way back. He eluded Nadine and Chuck and I dove to catch him as he ran by me. I took a swipe at his flag but Travis was too quick and without apparently touching the flag, I proceeded to watch him run the length of the field. Suddenly, I realized that Travis' flag was lying on the ground near where I had tried to grab it. I ran over, picked it up, pointed it out to the other team, and insisted that play was dead. Travis' team, on the other hand, claimed victory, arguing that nobody had actually caught him and he would have made it to the end zone had his flag not fallen out.

It was a controversial finish -- one that will have to wait until next year to be resolved. Including Turkey Bowl IV, I have a 12-1-2 record in these games, counting this year's edition as a tie. Maybe next time we'll have more receptions than interceptions. With some of our best weapons back in the game, an improved performance is all but assured.

Thankful On Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T12:48:00.000-05:00

On one of my favorite holidays of the year, I give thanks for the three F's that the holiday stands for -- family, food, and football.

Family
I live within a hour's drive of the majority of my extended family (my brother outside D.C. is the glaring exception), so it's not uncommon for me to go visit them in conjunction with some special occasion, or for no reason at all. But Thanksgiving is the one holiday each year that exists for the specific purpose of spending time with family. Our close geographic proximity allows me to spend time with both my mother's and father's side of my family today. What I'm most thankful for is not just the ability to spend time with family but my desire to spend time with family. While we might have our disagreements, I love my family very much and value them as an extremely important support network. Besides, I actually enjoy hanging out with them.

Food
I love a nice meal. Restaurants are fine, but nothing beats a home-cooked multi-course meal of traditional American fare. Gluttony on Thanksgiving is encouraged. I'm most thankful that my family can have a nice meal together without having to wonder whether we'll have enough money to buy a turkey or if the bank will be generous enough to let us remain in the house over the holiday before instigating foreclosure or eviction proceedings. And I'm also thankful that one meal and its inevitable leftovers will keep me fed through Sunday.

Football
Thanksgiving means football. The day of pigskin begins at 10 a.m. with local high school rivalry games (not that I've been to my alma mater for one of those games in about a decade). At 12:30, the Lions kick off, followed by what are now two more NFL games. My favorite Thanksgiving football tradition though is our annual Turkey Bowl family touch football game. Kicking off at 3:30 p.m. at Littleton Middle School, as it has for the past twelve years, . Speaking of football, I'm thankful that the Patriots are 10-0 going on 19-0, but I'm most thankful that my life situation is sufficiently comfortable that I can take time out to relax and worry about grown men playing schoolyard games instead of more critical necessities.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving to all, and save a drumstick for me!

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 12

2007-11-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

Controversy ensued at the end the Browns-Ravens game last week. In case you've been living under a rock, Phil Dawson's game-tying field goal attempt at the end of regulation bounced off the upright, then off the support bar behind the crossbar, then back out onto the field of play. While initially ruled no good, discussions among the officials led Pete Morelli to reverse the call and send the game to overtime. The Ravens had retreated to the locker room where some of the players were already undressing and preparing to shower. They were none too pleased when they were ordered back onto the field. With such a miraculous momentum-shifting development, a Browns victory in OT was a foregone conclusion.

I think that we all agree that field goals should be added to the list of reviewable plays for next season. But I commend the officials for getting the call right, even if it took a while. NFL teams play sixteen games, so each individual game is far more important for playoff purposes than individual games in any of the other major team sports. Some fans decry what they feel is an overly juridical approach to calling the game, claiming that it slows things down and removes the fallible but character-rich human element. I disagree, believing that technology and careful deliberation are valuable tools to resolve contested calls in today's NFL, which is undoubtedly a high-stakes business with major financial implications involved in each win or loss.

Up until recently, MLB umpires were reluctant to overrule one another, considering reversing a colleague's call to be an invasion of his turf. The Jeffrey Maier home run in 1996 was seen differently by the five other umpires, yet it was Richie Garcia's call that stood. (Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS -- the one where A-Rod slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's hand to prevent being tagged -- was the first time I saw MLB umps willing to get together to discuss how a play appeared from their various vantage points.)

The NFL is different. Any typical game sees the zebras huddle up and confer several times. It is not uncommon for a flag that was thrown to be picked up and for the referee to announce that there is no foul on the play. While extreme cases happen (e.g. the 2000 Dolphins-Patriots game where the teams were ordered back onto the field half an hour after the supposed end of the game, since the game-ending fumble should have been ruled an incomplete pass and three seconds should have been left on the clock), officials' conferences do not add any appreciable amount of time to games. Besides, what else are you doing on Sunday afternoons anyway? Take the time to talk things over and get the call right.

(Maybe another day we'll discuss whether officials should be allowed to use unofficial replays on the stadium jumbotron as the basis for their reconsideration....)

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers or methods for deciding who gets to eat the drumstick.

Last Week: 7-7-2
Season To Date: 75-74-11
Best Bets: 6-5
Eliminator: 9-2 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 5-4-2

Packers (-3.5) over Lions
One of our great American traditions is turning on the television at 12:30 on Thanksgiving afternoon and seeing the Detroit Lions suck. Up until two weeks ago, it looked like that tradition might be in jeopardy. To the relief of the football-loving populace, the Lions are finally screwing games up as usual. All is right with the world once again. WIN

Jets (+14) over Cowboys
The Cowboys have had some trouble putting mediocre teams away this year (see, e.g. Buffalo Bills, Washington Redskins, Minnesota Vikings). The operative question this week is whether replacing Chad Pennington is enough to catapult the Jets into the mediocre category from Dolphins-land. LOSS

Falcons (+11.5) over Colts
Michael Vick surrendered to authorities three weeks before his sentencing hearing was to take place. Sources tell me that Vick considered federal prison to be a more palatable alternative to watching Byron Leftwich run the Falcons into the ground. LOSS

Jaguars (-8) over Bills
I can pretty much guarantee that the Jags won't hang the same 56-spot on the Bills this week that the Pats did last week. I can't guarantee that the Bills won't be similarly overmatched. WIN

Browns (-3.5) over Texans
For the first time in decades, a spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime stroke of good fortune went the Browns' way. Earnest Byner can finally breathe a sigh of relief. WIN

Chiefs (-5.5) over Raiders
Priest Holmes decided to call it a career this week. Raiders fans are praying that Daunte Culpepper decides to do the same the thing before Sunday. LOSS

Seahawks (-3) over Rams
Who would you rather have on your team: Deion Branch, or Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth? Yeah, Bill Belichick agrees. WIN

Giants (-7) over Vikings
Thanksgiving at the Manning household: Eli asks Peyton to pass the cranberry sauce. Peyton grabs the bowl and tries to reach across the table to hand it over to Eli. However, Peyton doesn't see Archie coming in from the other direction with a piping hot platter of mashed potatoes. Peyton knocks Archie's arm, causing Archie to spill the potatoes onto Peyton's lap. In a failed attempt to get out of the way in time, Peyton ends up falling out of his chair and the cranberry sauce goes flying into the air. All of a sudden, Antonio Cromartie comes out of nowhere and snatches the bowl just before it hits the ground, returning it all the way back to the kitchen. Peyton accuses Eli and Archie of ruining the holiday, then leaves the dinner table in a huff and spends the rest of the evening sitting in the living room, sulking and refusing to talk to anyone. LOSS

Redskins (+3) over Bucs
Now that the NASCAR season is over, Joe Gibbs can concentrate his full attention on coaching his football team. Actually, the Skins' offensive line could probably use an assist from the likes of Tony Stewart these days. LOSS

Saints (-3) over Panthers
Jake Delhomme, David Carr, Vinny Testaverde, Matt Moore. For the life of me, I can't keep track of who's playing QB for the Panthers week after week. WIN

Titans (-1.5) over Bengals
Vince Young has his best passing game all season, yet the Titans lose by two TD's to the inconsistent-at-best Broncos. Shows you how important he really is to that team. LOSS

Cardinals (-10.5) over 49ers
Note: what you just read is not a typo. The Cardinals are actual double-digit favorites for what seems like the first time since they left Chicago. LOSS

Ravens (+9.5) over Chargers
Brian Billick has petitioned the NFL to install Arena-style rebound nets on the goalposts. If the Ravens are getting screwed on field goal attempts that bounce back anyway, the least the NFL can do is give them a chance to return the ball. LOSS

Broncos (+2) over Bears
On this holiday, Rex Grossman is thankful for being given more second chances than Willie Horton. LOSS

Patriots (-22) over Eagles
Since winning games by 30-point margins has become such a routine matter for the Patriots, Bill Belichick is now motivating his team by challenging them to fulfill certain objectives during each game. This week, the team will consider it a victory if they can get Donovan McNabb to throw up in the huddle again. LOSS

Dolphins (+16) over Steelers
Former Dolphins coach Nick Saban compared Alabama's upset loss to Louisiana-Monroe last weekend with 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. By Saban's standards, the Dolphins' winless season is some unfortunate combination of the Holocaust, the Black Plague, the Darfur massacres, and the Apocalypse. WIN

BEST BET: Seahawks (-3) over Rams WIN
ELIMINATOR: Kansas City Chiefs LOSS

THE MONKEY: Panthers (+3) over Saints LOSS

Top Five Origin/Destination Airports (Domestic Edition)

2007-11-17T13:10:00.000-05:00

1. Washington-Reagan National
With a metro station literally out the front door and across the street, Reagan National Airport is one of the most accessible airports in the country. With separate concourses for different airlines, security lines are usually under control. The airport is also capacity-controlled, which keeps fair-weather delays to a minimum. Normally, when Congress is in charge of something, it gets royally screwed up. The exception is when members of Congress actually need to use it, and then, it runs like clockwork.

2. Kansas City
We featured Kansas City as one of our most bizarre airports, thanks to its unique circular layout. Ticket counters, baggage claims, and even the gates are a mere stone's throw from the airport roadway, which means that you can be dropped off at the curb in reach your gate in something like thirty steps. Each set of two or three gates has its own security checkpoint which minimizes lines. Disembarking, it's the same deal: off your plane, jog to the left to grab your bag (which comes quickly since the baggage ramp is right near the plane), and out the door to your ride.

3. Portland, Ore.
Portland's airport is large enough to have service by all major airlines to multiple destinations but is small enough to avoid the long lines and airspace congestion that befalls major hubs. The terminal has an H-shape with the ticket counters located in the crossbar of the H and the security checkpoints at either side of the crossbar. The security checkpoints include plenty of lanes which allow the airport to quickly process passengers during peak travel periods. Getting to and from the airport is easy -- the drive from downtown Portland is maybe 10 minutes long and there is a light rail station within walking distance of the terminal with a direct ride into the city.

4. Manchester-Boston
While Boston's Logan Airport gets an unfair bad rap for being difficult to arrive at and navigate, there's no denying that Manchester is a piece of cake by comparison. I can check in, clear security, and be at my gate within five minutes of walking in the front door. I've also found Manchester's TSA personnel to be the friendliest in the country. Parking is plentiful and reasonably-priced. For those without a car, you can ride a free (!) shuttle from an Orange Line station in Boston. Most major airlines are here, along with Southwest, so you can get just about anywhere in the country starting from Manchester.

5. Orange County-John Wayne, Long Beach, Los Angeles/Ontario, and Burbank-Bob Hope
All of these airports make the list simply because they're not LAX. They're all straightforward airports with one or two terminals (as opposed to nine at LAX) that are generally aesthetically pleasing (as opposed to LAX's warehouses). Sure, they might not all be accessible to public transit, but then again, nothing in Southern California really is. Whereas you need to arrive at LAX up to two hours beforehand to ensure sufficient time to make it through the notoriously unpredictable and potentially monsterous security lines, getting to your gate at any of Los Angeles' alternate airports is a reliably prompt process. While not all airlines are at all airports in the Los Angeles metropolis, you nonetheless have plenty of options that don't include fighting traffic on the 405 en route to the monstrosity that is LAX.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 11

2007-11-15T15:02:00.000-05:00

Roger Goodell is in his second season of his iron-handed rule as NFL commissioner. In his brief tenure, Goodell has cracked down on just about everything from off-field criminal activity to drinking during team functions to illicit videotaping of defensive signals to on-field touchdown celebrations.

It's the latest crackdown with which I take issue. Previously, I thought that the likes of Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson were egotistical showboaters whose limelight-seeking behavior was deplorable. Goodell felt the same way, banning all celebrations that involve the players leaving their feet or using a prop. Players have complained for years about the NFL squeezing all the individual expression out of the game, labeling the NFL as the "No Fun League." Under the current policy, even the Lambeau Leap is technically verboten (even if not enforced). Owens was fined for holding the football against the goalpost and pretending to film a movie with it, even though the football and goalpost were on-field implements, not extraneous props.

It's a dangerous slippery slope and I think Goodell has gone too far. Unless the dance is in bad taste (i.e. throat-slashing gestures or Randy Moss' fake moon of the Lambeau Field fans) Goodell should just leave it alone. After all, the successful teams are the ones who don't engage in individualistic showboating. By cracking down on otherwise inoffensive touchdown celebrations, Goodell is needlessly reducing the entertainment value of his product.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 3-10-1
Season To Date: 68-67-9
Best Bets: 5-5
Eliminator: 8-2 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 5-4-1

Chargers (+3) over Jaguars
Peyton Manning's favorite receiver last week? Antonio Cromartie. LOSS

Browns (-3) over Ravens
Rarely have I seen a team with such a complete lack of desire to win. Even though they kept the Bengals out of the end zone the entire game, the Ravens still lost 21-7. TIE

Giants (-3) over Lions
While they may be on pace for a wild card spot, every once in while they remind all of us that they're still the Lions. WIN

Saints (+1.5) over Texans
Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson are expected to be back on the field for Houston this weekend. It's kind of like Carl Pavano coming off the DL -- sure, it's great that they're healthy, but will it really make much of a difference? LOSS

Packers (-9.5) over Panthers
Immediately after this week's showdown between Brett Favre and Vinny Testaverde, the loser will be carted away to the Golden Pasture Retirement Home. WIN

Chiefs (+14.5) over Colts
Now that the Colts have lost two straight games, Peyton Manning jokes are fair game once again. Let's try this one: How many Colts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two -- one to hold it and Peyton Manning to sit there muttering about how he's doing it wrong, even though Manning gave him a bad bulb to begin with. WIN

Vikings (-5) over Raiders
All-World rookie Adrian Peterson will miss at least one game (and perhaps many more) with a torn LCL. Sounds like a good reason to dock his paycheck. WIN

Eagles (-10) over Dolphins
You know your franchise is in trouble when your last chance to resurrect your season lies in the hands of a recently-reinstated free-spirited unabashed marijuana addict who hasn't played a single down in two year. TIE

Bucs (-3) over Falcons
Michael Vick's sentencing on dogfighting charges is a month away. However, he got some good news today when he learned that once incarcerated, he'll be able to share a cell with Barry Bonds. WIN

Bengals (-3) over Cardinals
Every so often, the Cardinals play a really great game. Unfortunately for them, playoff berths aren't awarded by calculating the number of wins over a three-year span. LOSS

Steelers (-9.5) over Jets
With Michael Vick on ice until further notice, Ben Roethlisberger of all people is making his case for being being the NFL's new dynamic scrambling quarterback. LOSS

Cowboys (-10.5) over Redskins
After last weekend's decisive victory over the Giants, the Cowboys are the definitive team to beat in the NFC. I would have loved to a fly on the wall in Drew Bledsoe's Montana ranch, watching the retired quarterback wince every time Tony Romo completed yet another difficult pass. LOSS

Rams (-3) over 49ers
These two teams have a combined 3-15 record, but at least St. Louis is on a winning streak. WIN

Seahawks (-5.5) over Bears
Rex Grossman's off-the-bench performance in Chicago's comeback last week has caused Bears fans to forgive his ineffectiveness during the rest of this season. I know better. WIN

Bills (+16) over Patriots
By moving this game into the prime-time slot, the NFL gave the Bills a seven-hour stay of execution before their ritual slaughter. LOSS

Titans (+2) over Broncos
I'm 2-7 picking Broncos games this year, which tells me that this time around, I should go against every instinct I have. But somehow, I just can see this wildly inconsistent team pulling off two decisive wins in a row. LOSS

BEST BET: Rams (-3) over 49ers WIN
ELIMINATOR: Philadephia Eagles WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+10) over Eagles TIE

Top Five Interactive Foods

2007-11-13T21:19:00.000-05:00

Who says I'm too old to be playing with my food?

1. Salad Bar
From a very young age, I've always been fascinated with salad bars. Maybe it's because I'm a bit picky when it comes to veggies and prefer the opportunity to only eat those that I like. Maybe it's because a salad bar in a restaurant or supermarket offers far more in variety than any salad you assemble at home. Maybe it's because salad bar croutons are invariably awesome. Maybe it's because while at any given salad bar, I'll get the same thing nine out of ten times, but the tenth time I'll throw caution to the wind and venture over to the pasta salads and couscous and fruit.

2. Vietnamese Rice Wraps
The experience of Vietnamese rice wraps is the reason to order this dish whenever it's available. You take your rice paper, dip in the hot water, grab it (if you can) with the unwieldy tongs they give you, then fill it up with chicken, mint leaves, matted-up noodles, whatever other vegetables they give you, and the sweet and sour sauce they provide. Then you somehow roll it up and if it doesn't fall apart between the plate and your mouth (good luck), enjoy! Rice wraps get the nod over their cousin, Thai lettuce wraps, because melting a piece of rice paper in hot water is much more fun than tearing off a portion of a lettuce leaf.

3. Fajitas
Any Mexican restaurant that does fajitas properly (and that even includes Chili's) will deliver a minimum of four plates to your table: a plastic container filled with tortillas; a small plate loaded with cheese, salsa, lettuce, sour cream, and guacamole; an empty plate where you can put everything together; and -- the piece de resistance -- a sizzling skillet loaded with chicken, beef, peppers, and onions, accompanied by the obligatory warning that's it's hot and you shouldn't touch it. You have a veritable Mexican fiesta, and it's all for you!

4. Peking Duck
Peking duck is the emperor of dishes at your local Chinese restaurant. The centerpiece is a tray of roasted duck, meticulously arranged with breast meat in the middle, surrounded by dark meat, topped with skin, and four drumsticks poking out from each corner. Accoutrements de rigeur are scallions with shredded ends, pancakes, and the delicious plum-based hoisin sauce. Some places will feature the waiter assembling pancakes table-side while others are strictly self-service. Either way, the end result is a delightful treat.

5. Ice Cream Sundae
To finish our meal, we'll partake in the most interactive of desserts. A good ice cream sundae bar should start with a couple of traditional ice cream varieties (vanilla, chocolate, and/or strawberry) joined by one or two specialty flavors (cookie dough, heath bar crunch, mint chocolate chunk). For sauces, hot fudge is obligatory while strawberry, caramel, marshmellow, and peanut butter sauce are highly recommended. Then, you need sprinkles, walnuts, crushed Oreos, and M&M's as toppings. Whipped cream is a must (in a can is okay, fresh whipped is amazing, Cool Whip is barely tolerable given a lack of alternatives). And, of course, what would an ice cream sundae be without a cherry (or three) on top?

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 10

2007-11-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

Another midseason Playing The Spread tradition is to examine our playoff predictions from the start of the season and modify them accordingly. Without further ado, here we go:

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
East: New England Patriots
The surprise here is not that the Pats are winning the division but that they've done so in such a dominating fashion.

North: Pittsburgh Steelers
Pittsburgh should capture the NFC North easily, particularly with so-called rivals like the Ravens all too willing to lie down and hand over the division crown right now.

South: Indianapolis Colts
Again, it's no surprise that the Colts remain the clear favorite in the South. I wish we'd have seen the Peyton Manning sulky face more than we have, but what's important is that we see it January 20th in Foxboro.

West: San Diego Chargers
The West remains the most wide-open division in the AFC. While San Diego has the talent to capture a home game in the first round, the Chargers' propensity to mail in every third game may allow Kansas City to sneak in the back door.

Wild Cards: Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati Bengals
The overachieving Titans have quietly posted a 6-2 record and appear to have the inside track on a wild card spot. I'd give Cleveland the edge of Kansas City for the final berth

NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
East: New York Giants
After a slow start, the G-men now have a very good shot at capturing this division. I do think the Cowboys will edge them out, but the Giants will nonetheless make waves as a wild card.

North: Chicago Bears
I predicted them to win the division and the conference, but there's a very strong chance the Bears will finish butt naked last in the North. After being written off for dead, Brett Favre will lead the Pack back to the playoffs and possibly capture a first-round bye in the process.

South: New Orleans Saints
Despite the fact that New Orleans though the season didn't begin until mid-October, they should be able to outlast the Bucs on the basis of talent alone.

West: Seattle Seahawks
Who will win the NFC West? More importantly, will they finish better than 8-8? It won't be the Rams and it won't be the Niners, so it will come down to whoever sucks less between the Seahawks and the Cardinals. I can't foresee the Cardinals winning anything of importance, so Seattle gets the nod by default.

Wild Cards: Carolina Panthers, Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have played one good game all season while the Panthers can't seem to find a healthy quarterback. The Giants are a lock for a wild card. As long as they don't suffer a massive late-season collapse (and you never know with that franchise), the Lions should wrap up

SUPERBOWL XLII: New England Patriots beat Chicago Bears (but does it really matter who the NFC puts up?)
It still doesn't matter who the NFC puts up, but I think the Dallas Cowboys can give the Pats a run for their money until about five minutes after halftime. But you might as well start warming up the duck boats now.

The following selections are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 9-5
Season To Date: 65-57-8
Best Bets: 5-4
Eliminator: 7-2 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 5-3-1

Steelers (-9.5) over Browns
I love the way the Browns have been playing lately, but after putting up 38 points in a driving rainstorm, the Steelers look unstoppable (at least until Big Ben suffers a season-ending injury after foolishly being left in the game during the late stages of a blowout). LOSS

Packers (-6) over Vikings
Missing a game to attend the funeral of the woman who raised you is completely unacceptable as far as the Vikings are concerned. Hiring strippers to perform oral sex on you on a booze cruise? Now that's another story. WIN

Redskins (-3) over Eagles
After both of his sons were sentenced to incarceration, a judge called Andy Reid's household a "drug emporium." Reid promptly received a phone call from the Cincinnati Bengals organization offering him the head coaching position. LOSS

Titans (-4) over Jaguars
Vince Young is underperforming, Pacman Jones wasn't reinstated, and the majority of the nation can't name any other player on the team, but the Titans are a quiet 6-2 and playing like they belong in the postseason. For some reason, I think that Jeff Fisher wouldn't want it any other way. LOSS

Falcons (+4) over Panthers
After losing three quarterbacks to injury this year, the Panthers should probably just throw in the towel and run the triple option for the rest of the season. WIN

Patriots over nobody
I don't care that they're on a bye week -- the Pats will still find a way for Tom Brady to throw three touchdowns en route to running up the score yet again.

Chiefs (-3) over Broncos
A 44-7 loss to any team is bad enough, but dropping a game to the previously hapless Detroit Lions means that your once-proud franchise is an embarrassment to its city and its fans. LOSS

Bills (-3) over Dolphins
For the first time all season, the Dolphins can finally play a game without coming off a loss the week before. TIE

Saints (-11.5) over Rams
See entry for Bills-Dolphins. LOSS

Ravens (-4) over Bengals
Chris Henry can finally return to his team now that his suspension is over. Cincinnati's drug dealers rejoice! LOSS

Raiders (+3.5) over Bears
Lane Kiffen showed some promise early on but with the Raiders' struggles as of late, he very well could be the next victim of Al Davis' notorious impatience. LOSS

Giants (+1) over Cowboys
If last Sunday featured the de facto AFC Championship, this game could very well be the de facto title game in the NFC. Let's hope we'll see a Manning brother on the losing end for the season straight week. LOSS

Lions (+1) over Cardinals
Jon Kitna appeared in Sports Illustrated this week wearing a hat with a cross on it to show off his faith. Funny, I never knew that going to a Halloween party wearing a costume that ridicules your own team's assistant coach for his indiscretions was a Christian thing to do. LOSS

Colts (-3.5) over Chargers
The Chargers are coming off a game where they gave up 296 yards to one player. Joseph Addai must be licking his chops. A WONDERFUL LOSS

Seahawks (-10) over 49ers
ESPN is begging the NFL for a mulligan on this Monday Night Football selection. You're better off watching the 57 minutes of filler that is the Dancing With The Stars results show, followed by an always-exciting episode of Heroes, then switching over to MTV for the guaranteed train wreck that is Heidi and Spencer on The Hills. WIN

BEST BET: Lions (+1) over Cardinals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Green Bay Packers WIN

THE MONKEY: Raiders (+3.5) over Bears LOSS

Don Shula Is An Idiot

2007-11-07T21:09:00.000-05:00

He may be the winningest coach in NFL history, but Don Shula's recent statement casts doubt on the brilliance for which many people have praised him over the years (or maybe it's just the onset of senility):

"The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished," Shula said in an interview with the New York Daily News. "You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it. [The penalty] tells you the seriousness or significance of what they found.... I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record."

You can argue that the Patriots' camera scandal (please don't call it Spygate, people) may cast doubt on the Pats' accomplishments in previous seasons. I will listen to you, then proceed to demolish your argument by pointing out there is no proof of how long Bill Belichick's practice was in effect and challenging the sense in revisiting records several years down the road in light of newly-received information. (Consider, for example, that the 2003 NFC Champion Carolina Panthers had several players on their roster who had likely used performance-enhancing drugs, yet you don't hear any calls to strip them of their conference championship.)

But for Shula to infer that the videotape scandal casts any doubt on the current season is ludicrous. We've been through this once before, people, but let's try it again: In the first game of the season, Jets security confiscated the tape being shot by the Pats' videographer during the first half, thus ensuring that Belichick would never get to see it. After that game, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell insisted that Belichick turn over his entire video collection for prompt destruction. Therefore, Belichick and the Pats received no assistance whatsoever from illicitly-obtained videotapes and their 9-0 record with 33 passing touchdowns is one hundred percent the product of their own unenhanced efforts. By the way, I mention once again that the practice would be completely legitimate if it didn't involve videotape but mere live scouting of opposing teams' signals.

All I can say is that the record-setting performances the Patriots have put forth so far (and the complete lack of any indications that their steam is about to run out) would be even more mind-blowing had the Pats still been videotaping. Shula can argue that the scandal tarnishes past seasons, but if he's suggesting it at all diminishes the accomplishments of the present season, he's off his rocker. (Shula's better off running steakhouses at this point of his life anyway.)

It Gets Earlier Every Year

2007-11-04T18:32:00.001-05:00

Now, I didn't note the exact day and time the way I did last year, but today is November 4th and I've already starting seeing the Christmas-themed advertisements on television. Also, Davis Square in Somerville already has wreaths and ornaments hanging from lightpoles. It is four days after Halloween, people! There are jack-o-lanterns sitting on people's porches and I'm nowhere near finishing my leftover candy for trick-or-treaters (none of whom actually bothered marching up the forty-one stairs to my apartment).

It used to be that the day after Thanksgiving was the start of the holiday (oh, who are we kidding, Christmas!) shopping season. Now, it's the day after Halloween. I don't consider Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior, but I respect Christmas as a great occasion for people to get together with family and take a break from the daily routine. Corporate America would have you believe that you can only have an enjoyable Christmas by spending lots of money on crap they're trying to hawk. And because of the economic downturn, the big retail strategy of the year is to get people to spend their money earlier than ever. Therefore, we have Christmas ads hitting the airwaves before November sweeps even begin. You know the song about the twelve days of Christmas? They should make a modern version that discusses the two months of Christmas.

Only 51 shopping days left!

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 9

2007-11-01T11:32:00.000-04:00

An annual feature of Playing The Spread around this time of year is our ride on the coaching carousel. In this space, I predict which coaches are most at risk of being fired at the end of the season, if not before. Last year, I correctly predicted the postseason demise of Dennis Green and Art Shell while missing the boat on Mike Sherman and not foreseeing that the Lions would give Matt Millen a seventh chance to turn things around (looks like the seventh time is the charm). Here's this year's crop of likely losers.

Scott Linehan, Rams - The St. Louis Rams are sorry remnants of what used to be the Greatest Show On Turf. They won one Super Bowl early this decade and lost to the Patriots the next year. Since then, they haven't caught a whiff of the big game. The Rams are winless through eight weeks of the season. Even Mike Martz would do a better job than Linehan.

Mike Nolan, 49ers - Nolan is better known for his fight with the NFL for his right to wear a suit on the sidelines than for any on-field product. However, NFL owners are far more concerned with winning than with having a nice outfit on game day -- just ask Bill Belichick. While the 49ers have been hampered by injuries this year (which obviously aren't Nolan's fault), they need to shake things up in order to recapture their prior glory.

Eric Mangini, Jets - The Jets were evidently impressed with the Boy Wonder's performance in one year as Bill Belichick's defensive coordinator, giving him their head coaching job at the ripe age of 35. Mangini has proven green, and I'm not talking about the color of the Jets uniforms. With talent like Chad Pennington, Laveranues Cole, Thomas Jones, and D'Brickashaw Ferguson, the Jets should at least be competitive in a weak AFC East (Patriots notwithstanding). It looks like Mangini needed Belichick more than Belichick needed Mangini.

Andy Reid, Eagles - Reid has taken the Eagles from Super Bowl contender to laughing stock of the NFC East. He presided over the Terrell Owens fiasco in 2005 and was criticized for questionable play calling and clock management in seasons since. The Eagles are clearly moving in the wrong direction, and if they don't reverse course soon, Reid could find himself on the chopping block. In fact, it would probably be a good idea for Reid to spend less time around his team and more time around his insubordinate children.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 8-5
Season To Date: 56-52-8
Best Bets: 4-4
Eliminator: 6-2 (Streak: L 1)
The Monkey: 4-3-1

Bucs (-3.5) over Cardinals
Kurt Warner continues his quest to become the best one-handed athlete since Jim Abbott. WIN

Lions (-3) over Broncos
At least the folks in Denver still have the Broncos. On second thought, when you lose at home to an NFC team with a hilariously pathetic running game, you can pretty much kiss the postseason goodbye. WIN

Titans (-4) over Panthers
Now that Vinny Testaverde's fourth annual comeback from retirement is over, the Panthers will have to make do with human tackling dummy David Carr. WIN

Packers (+2.5) over Chiefs
The Packers look like the best team in the NFC right now, which is kind of like saying that Posh was the most musically talented member of the Spice Girls. WIN

Chargers (-7) over Vikings
The rumor floating around this week was that the Vikings were interested in having Jeff George come out of retirement to lend them a hand. They would have pursued Ryan Leaf, but he was too busy handing out free tacos when the Vikings tried to call him on Tuesday afternoon. LOSS

Saints (-3) over Jaguars
Just to be good sports, the Saints decided to spot the rest of the NFC South the first month of the season before making their charge for the division title. WIN

Falcons (-3.5) over 49ers
With Terrell Owens surprisingly quiet this season, DeAngelo Hall has taken his place as the NFL's leading malcontent -- further evidence that nature abhors a vacuum. WIN

Redskins (-3.5) over Jets
Eric Mangini finally realized what the rest of the world concluded a month ago and decided to bench Chad Pennington. Too bad that his reluctance to yank Pennington's job will cost Mangini his own job. LOSS

Bills (+1) over Bengals
I'm sure that Chad Johnson is angry that Jonathan Papelbon stole his celebratory Riverdance, but Chad should know that you actually need to get into the end zone before you have the right to start dancing. WIN

Seahawks (+1.5) over Browns
On Sunday, the Seahawks and Browns will battle it out for the right to be called the least deserving 5-3 team in the NFL. LOSS

Patriots (-5) over Colts
If you read ESPN's Tuesday Morning Quarterback, you'll know that this Sunday's late game is the ultimate battle between good and evil. Notwithstanding the fact that TMQ is full of crap, I've never been more happy to be called a Satan worshipper. LOSS

Raiders (-3) over Texans
And here's a game that nobody in America will be watching, including the folks in Oakland who are having their home market blacked out. (Raiders fans are secretly cheering, knowing that they'll get to watch Pats-Colts and see a couple of real teams play.) LOSS

Cowboys (-3) over Eagles
Tony Romo is hoping that the thought of his rumored lap dance by Britney Spears will cause Donovan McNabb to reprise his Super Bowl XXXIX performance and blow chunks on the field. WIN

Steelers (-9.5) over Ravens
Ray Lewis called Adalius Thomas a coward after Thomas criticized his former team. Thomas responded by saying that while he might be a coward, at least he's not a killer. WIN

BEST BET: Titans (-4) over Panthers WIN
ELIMINATOR: Dallas Cowboys WIN

THE MONKEY: Jets (+3.5) over Redskins WIN

Steal A Base, Steal A Taco, Abandon Your Dignity

2007-10-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

If you were watching the World Series last night, you know that Jacoby Ellsbury's stolen base in the 4th inning earned everyone in America a free taco from Taco Bell as part of the "Steal A Base, Steal A Taco" promotion.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Well, terms and conditions apply. The free tacos are only available at participating Taco Bells (whatever that means) on October 30th from 2-5 p.m. So, in order to claim your prize, you must first find a Taco Bell that's participating in the promotion, then go in during a three-hour period far removed from traditional meal times, when most people are working anyway. It costs far more in wages and/or lost productivity than the 79 cents you save by getting your taco for free.

I know that marketing is the lifeblood of sports telecasts, but naturally, since Fox knows no bounds when it comes to cross-promotion, this particular campaign was beyond shameless. There was the obligatory cut-away to the Taco Bell CEO sitting in the stands (taking up a seat that could hold a real Red Sox fan) to allow him to plug his fast food (excuse me, quick service) restaurant for the camera.

Then there was the dugout conversation between Ellsbury and Royce Clayton, recorded the day before, in which Clayton informed Ellsbury that if he stole a base, everyone in America would get a free taco. Come on, Fox. Do you really expect us to believe that you fortuitously chose to mike up a random inactive infielder who just happened to have a conversation about a certain promotion with the very player who ended up triggering that promotion? Give me a break. I'd bet a small fortune that you have recordings of Clayton engaging in similar "spontaneous" conversations with Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia and any other Sox player who poses a legitimate threat to steal a base. I'm also curious to know how much you paid Clayton to engage in that little publicity stunt.

I'll begrudgingly accept the in-your-face marketing as a necessary cost of paying my team's salaries, but please Fox, don't treat your viewers like idiots in doing so.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 8

2007-10-25T14:57:00.000-04:00

Ordinarily, I'm a huge fan of anything involving a foreign country. However, when it comes to the NFL's first regular season foray outside of North America, I have my reservations.

The concept -- take two teams and have them play a game or two in some foreign venue in order to market your league to a global audience -- has been employed in the past with great success by the MLB and NHL. The NFL has also hosted preseason American Bowls in foreign venues with large crowds attending those games.

When baseball or hockey games move overseas, teams lose one or two of their forty to eighty home games. When regular season football games move overseas, one team loses one of their precious few eight home games (12.5 percent of their home schedule). The league might compensate the team for the lost gate receipts, but still, nothing can replace the intangible benefits of playing in your home stadium.

The disruption factor also merits consideration. This time around, it's not a huge deal for two East Coast teams to travel to London, since the flight only takes marginally longer than a jaunt to California and the trip is short enough that the players need not bother adjusting to the time difference. If you start to involve a destination in Central Europe, or teams from the Midwest, you're adding another hour or two to the flight. Once you look at the Far East, it's difficult to pull off such a trip while maintaining the pace of the regular season.

If a team wants to move a home game to a foreign venue on its own volition (see Buffalo Bills), then the league should do what they can to facilitate the game. After all, there is precedent for such a move, since the Green Bay Packers used to play two games a year in Milwaukee. However, when league comes to a team and demands they give up one eighth of their home schedule for broader marketing purposes, it's a tall order. Only if the season expands to 17 games, with one game for each team being played in a neutral venue, can I justify the imposition of football games abroad.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 8-6
Season To Date: 48-47-8
Best Bets: 3-4
Eliminator: 6-1 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 3-3-1

Giants (-9.5) over Dolphins
Different continent, same result for the hapless Dolphins, who will be turned into fish and chips by the time the Giants are done with them on Sunday. LOSS

Lions (+5) over Bears
If I had told you in August that the Lions would complete the season sweep of the Bears, you would have laughed in my face. WIN

Steelers (-3.5) over Bengals
Meaningless statistic of the week: Pittsburgh is 0-2 when playing in the Mountain Time Zone and 4-0 when playing anywhere else in the country. WIN

Colts (-6.5) over Panthers
VINNY TESTAVERDE IS IN JERRY'S BOX AND VINNY TESTAVERDE IS COMING BACK! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN, VINNY TESTAVERDE STANDING RIGHT IN JERRY RICHARDSON'S BOX ANNOUNCING HE IS BACK! VINNY TESTAVERDE IS A CAROLINA PANTHER! WIN

Titans (-7.5) over Raiders
Looks like Vince Young managed to sidestep the Madden Curse this year, missing only one game. What's that you say? The season's only half over? LOSS

Browns (-3) over Rams
If the Browns pull off the victory this weekend, they will have won four out of seven games. The Indians might want to pay attention and see how that's done. WIN

Eagles (-1) over Vikings
In this season's Heimlich Bowl, the Eagles and Vikings will do battle to see who can choke up a big lead first. WIN

Bills (+3) over Jets
Despite his troubles, Eric Mangini is obstinately sticking with Chad Pennington as his QB. Hey, Chad has to win again at least sometime this season, right? WIN

Chargers (E) over Texans
Sage Rosenfels almost single-handedly brought the Texans back from a 25-point deficit last week. I hadn't seen a Jew throw rocks like that since the book of Deuteronomy. WIN

Bucs (-4) over Jaguars
If it's any consolation, the guy the Jaguars let go to make room for David Garrard is injured as well. LOSS

Saints (-3) over 49ers
Will it be Trent Dilfer or Alex Smith behind center for the Niners on Sunday? More importantly, will it really matter? WIN

Redskins (+16.5) over Patriots
Not that I think there's any chance the Patriots will lose, but against the Skins' secondary, Tom Brady might only just barely top 300 yards this week. LOSS

Broncos (-3) over Packers
Let's hope that Broncos-Packers will be the only game taking place in Denver on Monday night. LOSS

BEST BET: Steelers (-3.5) over Bengals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Tampa Bay Buccaneers LOSS

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+9.5) over Giants WIN

Transfering Airline Miles

2007-10-24T17:39:00.000-04:00

We here at It's A Magical World! like to remain responsive to our readers' concerns. So, as part of an ongoing Q&A series, we'll answer the following question submitted by a loyal reader. (Names and details have been changed to protect the innocent.)

My co-worker basically commutes (two to three times a month?) from JFK to VIE on Austrian Airlines. He has accumulated around a million Austrian frequent flyer miles. I posed the following question to him: How would you like to convert your Austrian Miles to cash? He agreed to consider it. We both have Austrian frequent flyer accounts. My interest remains in optimizing the liquidity of the transaction.

1) What is the best way (least expensive) to book a ticket in my name with his miles? If the best way is to transfer the miles, so be it. If the best way is to somehow log onto his account and book the ticket in my name, that may be feasible.

My frequent-flier experience is based on my long-standing membership with United's Mileage Plus program. While Mileage Plus is representative of most traditional U.S.-based airlines' programs, I don't know for sure whether European programs play by the same rules. I will answer this question assuming that they do. Keep in mind that Lufthansa, Austrian, Swiss, LOT, and their respective subsidiaries are all part of the same frequent-flier program, called Miles & More. All those airlines are members of the Star Alliance, as is United, which I believe means they share a common redemption schedule.

The best way to book a ticket in your name is to have your co-worker book the ticket with his miles, from his account. (Whether he does it himself or you log on using his password is a matter for the two of you to discuss.) Anybody can book a ticket for anybody else without additional fees (beyond the usual taxes), though in some cases, the airline may require additional documentation to verify that the transaction is consensual. (Such measures are increasingly unnecessary, since they were imposed in the era of paper certificates rather than password-protected online accounts.) When you transfer miles between accounts, you are hit with a flat transaction fee (US$35 on United) and a per mile transfer fee (US$0.01 per mile). There might also be a cap on the number of miles that can be transferred.

2) I will obviously pay all fees associated with the transaction. What would you consider to be appropriate compensation in excess of the fees? 1 USD per 1,000 miles? 1 EUR per 1,000 miles? A certain percentage (50%? 75%?) of the current Austrian price for that itinerary? These were the ranges which I was thinking, but let me know if you believe otherwise. In his case, the miles are clearly extraneous, so I can probably get a great deal.

Keep in mind that according to the terms of airline frequent flier programs, the sale or barter of miles or rewards, outside of processes facilitated by the airline, is a violation and may subject your miles to forfeiture. It is much easier for airlines to police these practices, however, when miles or tickets are sold via eBay or online message boards. When the sale is between colleagues, rather than an arm's-length transaction on the open market, the airline will be much harder pressed to find out whether something fishy is going on.

That being said, airlines generally value miles at something like US$0.027 per mile. Assuming that Austrian uses the same redemption structure as United, it costs 50,000 miles for a transatlantic ticket, which, by the airline's valuation system, is about US$1350. By my experience, however, a transatlantic flight would average about US$750, which works out to US$0.015 per mile.

I guess the moral of the story is that the value of frequent flier miles is highly subjective. I recommend that you and your co-worker work out a flat fee in advance, on either a per-mile or a per-flight basis. A flat fee system is more equitable than paying a percentage of the offered price of the flight you wish to take. Your flight will cost 50,000 miles regardless of whether the airline is selling it for US$400 or US$1,400 at that given time.

3) Should there be other things for me to think about (i.e. blackout dates, hard to use miles, etc.)?

Most airline programs institute either blackout dates or capacity controls on certain flights. You should check with your airline in advance to get a sense of what these policies are. Keep in mind that whoever owns the miles bears the burden of the capacity controls. To illustrate my point, here's an extreme example: Assume there are no dates within the next year with desirable flight availability and that all your miles will expire at the end of that year (miles generally don't expire as long as there is activity on the account). If you've purchased the miles yourself and are unable to use them, you've lost what you spent. If your co-worker still holds them, you don't pay him a dime until you've found a flight that you know you'll be able to book, and if there aren't any such flights, you aren't out any money. Therefore, assuming that your co-worker's stash of miles will remain filled and accessible to you indefinitely, you should leave them in his name, even if there weren't any transfer fees obsessed.

Good luck and happy flying! Hope you use those miles to come visit me once in a while!

Hub Of The Sports Universe

2007-10-22T18:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was one of those landmark days in the history of Boston sports. As an appetizer, the Patriots made dinner out of the Dolphins. Then, for the main course, the Red Sox devoured the Indians.

The Patriots started out by proving, once again, that they are so much better than just about any other team in the NFL. The rest of the AFC East is the junior varsity compared with the Patriots. Keep in mind that the Pats barely had a running game yesterday and made several defensive miscues that could have burned them big had they been playing a competent team. Yet the Pats still hung 49 points on the Fins en route to a 21-point win. Tom Brady, as usual, made things look positively easy. In order to give himself a challenge, he decided to toss a long bomb to Randy Moss in double coverage. Moss hauled in for a TD, then Brady did it again, with the same result. Whenever the Dolphins challenged and made the game remotely close, the Pats responded with another strike or three.

By about 2:13 p.m., the Pats had locked things up and Bostonians could start thinking about Sunday night's main event. With the ALCS tied at 3-3, the Sox needed one final win to complete their comeback and make the World Series. While the Indians silenced the Sox bats and the hitters lit up the Sox pitchers in Games 3 and 4, you could feel the tide turning after Josh Beckett's Game 5 gem. A victory in Game 6 almost seemed like a foregone conclusion, and by the time Game 7 rolled around, you had to feel that the momentum was heavily tilted in the Sox' favor.

Popular opinion held that the Sox had a great chance to tee off on Jake Westbrook. He had pitched one great game in the series and people thought he wouldn't be able to follow it up. They were wrong. Westbrook pitched six strong innings, and while the Sox were able to manufacture three runs by playing small ball, that lead was nowhere near safe, especially with Daisuke Matsuzaka predictably losing his dominance in the fourth and fifth innings. When the hitters were stymied, a little bit of Fenway magic was necessary for the Sox to keep the lead. Kenny Lofton was incorrectly called out after stretching a single, then was inexplicably held at third when he had a chance to head for home on a fast grounder down the third-base line.

Finally, in the seventh, the bats began to come alive for the Sox. Dustin Pedroia hit a Monster shot to give the Sox breathing room at 5-2. In the eighth, the game officially became a rout, with a bases-loaded double by Pedroia and a two-run homer by Kevin Youkilis. Once Coco Crisp caught a deep fly ball to the triangle, showing utter disregard for his own physical health in the process, the heavily-anticipated celebration could begin.

It's funny how quickly a city's attitude changes. In 2003, Sox fans were left wondering how their team would screw things up, because that's what always happened in the past. Sure enough, a hanging knuckleball by Tim Wakefield was smacked out of the park by Aaron F---ing Boone in the eleventh inning of Game 7. But in 2004, something special happened. The Sox refused to give in, despite being down to their last out in Game 4, and rallied for the greatest series comeback in baseball history. In that series, the hopeless resignation of Red Sox Nation was replaced by a feeling of invincible faith. This time around, people knew that the Sox could turn things around by winning the final three games of the ALCS and move on to their second World Series in four years. It's a great time to be a Boston resident.

Oh, and I hear there's some college football team that plays around here and is now ranked second in the nation.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 7

2007-10-18T13:30:00.000-04:00

With the billions of dollars being thrown around for NFL television contracts, the networks each seek to create the best possible experience for their viewers. One of the ways in which they seek to effectuate this goal is through the use of on-screen graphics.

In some instances, the bells and whistles they throw on the screen are hugely helpful. I don't know what I'd do without the yellow first-down line. (On rare occasions when I attend a game in person, I've caught myself briefly wondering where the line is at the actual stadium.) The blue scrimmage line that CBS uses, while less necessary, nonetheless comes in handy on a play for negative yardage or a quarterback scramble. Even the red field goal line that CBS employs in two-minute situations is useful, though I'd wish they'd tell us whether that line represents the kicker's season best or career best.

And the list of useful graphics pretty much ends there. Every other graphic that the networks employ is gratuitous. Just because you have the technology to do something doesn't mean you should. A prime example is the video screen that Fox superimposes on the establishing shots of stadiums, making it look like it blends in somewhere. Having a video screen suddenly appear in the rafters of the Metrodome just doesn't impress me, nor does it even seem to have a point. Another pet peeve is the superimposition of down and distance on the field when the networks can just put it in the score and time box in the corner of the screen. I also can't stand when ESPN whips through a virtual representation of the scrimmage formation to show you the starting line. And don't get me started on displays employing animation and sound effects to present statistics when a simple chart will do.

I love watching football, but broadcasts should be about the game. If I wanted to watch a program showing off flashy graphics and technical wizardry that add nothing to the substance of the show, I'll just turn to Channel 7's local news.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-4-2
Season To Date: 40-41-8
Best Bets: 3-3
Eliminator: 5-1 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 3-2-1

Dolphins (+16.5) over Patriots
If God gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If God gives you Cleo Lemon, you pray for mercy and wonder what you did to deserve such a fate. LOSS

Titans (-1.5) over Texans
Okay, so both of these teams have cooled off since the start of the season and are not shaping up to be the sleepers I thought they might be. At least Tennessee has the talent to hang with any team in the league, even if they don't always win. WIN

Bucs (+2) over Lions
Jeff Garcia made five starts for the Lions in 2005, losing four of those games. Now he's playing for the 4-2 NFC South-leading Bucs. It's amazing how someone's career can turn around just by leaving Detroit. LOSS

Saints (-9) over Falcons
Byron Leftwich is the new QB for the Falcons. While he has received criticism in the past, it's probably best not to have a killer instinct when you're replacing Michael Vick. LOSS

Giants (-9) over 49ers
Not many teams can say their backup quarterback is a Super Bowl winner. Of course, Trent Dilfer is probably the only QB in the league whose Super Bowl win can best be described as a technicality. WIN

Ravens (-3) over Bills
Buffalo announced its desire to play an annual home game in Canada. Apparently, heading north of the border is their solution to keep their season from going south. LOSS

Redskins (-8.5) over Cardinals
To address their injury problems at QB, Arizona just signed Tim Hasselbeck. In a related story, the Redskins have added Rosie O'Donnell's partner to their linebacking corps. LOSS

Chiefs (+2.5) over Raiders
The Oakland Raiders have lost to the Kansas City Chiefs each of the last nine times they've played. During that span, they have been coached by Bill Callahan, Norv Turner, and Art Shell. If Lane Kiffen wants to last longer than any of those guys, shaking this particular monkey off his team's backs will be a requirement. WIN

Bengals (-6.5) over Jets
Now that Joe Torre is no longer a Yankee, he nevertheless might be able to remain in his home city of New York and take the Jets' head coaching job, now that the Man Genius has been exposed as a Boy Dunce. WIN

Bears (+5.5) over Eagles
If you allow a rookie to run for 224 yards, you don't deserve to be in the NFL. However, according to a league mandate, there must be 32 teams, so we have no choice but to allow the Bears to stick around for now. And the Eagles, for that matter. WIN

Seahawks (-8.5) over Rams
Football fans wonder whether the Rams will win a game before the Patriots lose a game. St. Louis is so bad that they don't even need Mike Martz coaching to stink up the joint this year. WIN

Cowboys (-9.5) over Vikings
After his team lost to them last week, Terrell Owens said the Patriots aren't the best team in the league. While he might or might be right (Who are we kidding? Or course he's wrong), his Cowboys sure as hell aren't the best team in the league either. WIN

Steelers (-3.5) over Broncos
At least the folks in Denver still have the Rockies. What they'll do after November 1st is anyone's guess. LOSS

Colts (-3) over Jaguars
Tom Brady is on pace to shatter Peyton Manning's record for touchdown passes in a season. I hope that CBS puts a camera on Manning while he's watching that game, since it seems like that's the only chance of seeing the sulky face this year. (Oh, except for when the Pats will wipe the field with the Colts in two weeks, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.) WIN

BEST BET: Ravens (-3) over Bills LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Washington Redskins WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+16.5) over Patriots LOSS

At Least I'm Not A Cubs Fan

2007-10-17T10:18:00.000-04:00

While the Red Sox have been, shall we say, a tad disappointing this week, it could be much worse. This YouTube video so eloquently portrays the agony that Cubs fans have suffered over the past century, all to the tune of a 1980's German pop song.

Top Five Worst Airports For Transit

2007-10-16T09:45:00.000-04:00

1. London-Heathrow
If you have a connection through Heathrow, you need to expect long lines, long walks, possible bus rides, dank underground corridors invoking Dante's second circle of hell, passenger waiting areas with too few seats, and BAA's notoriously finicky security rules. Leave yourself plenty of time for a connection. Given that this airport handles much more volume than it was designed for, it's a wonder that it even manages to operate on a day-to-day basis.

2. Los Angeles
If you're transiting through this airport, chances are you're switching terminals, which means you either need to wait around for one of the infrequent shuttle busses (ten minutes or more) or just walk on your own. The terminals aren't exactly close. The airport may have been state of the art in the 1970's (or before) but it is showing its age today. The passport control and customs facilities are in these horribly depressing warehouse-like basement rooms. Lines at customs and security can be excessive if you arrive at the wrong time of day.

3. Philadelphia
If you're transiting through Philadelphia, chances are that you're on US Airways, which is bad enough as is. But Philadelphia's airport is ill-suited to be a major domestic and international hub. First off, it has only two runways capable of handling mainline jets, and with its riverside location, it is incapable of expansion. Even the smallest delay earlier in the day can magnify to result in twenty-deep takeoff queues. The terminal's gate areas are far to small, so the terminal ends up clogged with people at peak times. Plus, the airport consists of seven piers jutting out from a linear concourse, which can make for some mightily long walks if you need to switch planes. Also, the baggage handling at this airport is arguably the worst in the country.

4. Paris-Charles de Gaulle
CDG Airport has two main terminals that are not particularly close to one another. Get ready for a bus ride. Upon further review, however, Terminal 2 is actually made up of six mini-terminals, each of which has its own security checkpoints and passport control areas. Unless you're lucky enough to connect within the same pod, you need to exit the airside area and undergo all the formalities to get to your next plane. Signage is not great and customer service is downright bad. You can be mere feet from your departure gate but an hour away from boarding your plane.

5. Dallas/Ft. Worth
DFW airport consists of five terminals, four of which are semi-circular with gates around the perimeter of the circles and an access road inside. With multiple ticket counters and security checkpoints, DFW is great if you're catching a flight, since you can be dropped off very close to where your gate happens to be. If you're connecting, however, you have no such luck. You need to walk all along the perimeter of the terminal, passing by each and every gate along the way, to even reach the point where you can switch to another terminal. An airport train system helps cut down on the ordeal, but waiting for a train is the last thing you want to be doing when time is running short.

Dishonorable Mention: Washington-Dulles
Dulles' gate areas are found in one of two horizontal concourses, physically separated from the ticket counters and security checkpoints, or in a small zone attached to that main terminal building. If your flight parks at one end of the C/D Concourse and your connection departs from the other end, you have a long walk in a straight line to get there. Moving walkways would be very helpful, so naturally, there aren't any (save one oft-broken exception). If you need to change concourses, you must wait for one of the mobile lounges that look like moon buggies to take you there. They run on their schedule, not yours. Passengers clearing customs and connecting to other flights proceed through the midfield inspection facility, where CBP staff always seems completely unprepared for the surge of arrivals mid-afternoon.

Top Five Gerrymandered Congressional Districts

2007-10-14T17:19:00.000-04:00

1. Arizona 2nd
The Hopi and Navajo tribes of Arizona are long-standing enemies. Since the federal government is considered the caretaker of Indian tribes, it would be a massive conflict of interest to have both tribes represented by the same Congressman. The problem is that the Hopi reservation is surrounded on all sides by the Navajo reservation. To solve this dilemma, Arizona snaked its 2nd District down a narrow river for several hundred miles.

2. Illinois 4th
This district is the smallest in area outside of New York and San Francisco. It connects a heavily-democratic, predominately Puerto Rican area of Chicago with a heavily-democratic, predominately Mexican area of Chicago. Since congressional districts need to be contiguous, Illinois' 4th includes narrow strips of land and a section of the uninhabited Interstate 294 to artificially construct its Hispanic majority district.

3. California 23rd
This district is nearly 200 miles long yet just a few miles wide. It encompasses many of the coastal communities between Los Angeles and San Francisco. The stated purpose of this district is to ensure that the population shares a common set of values that reflect so-called coastal values. The district is heavily liberal, which is fine by the Republicans, who maintain a stranglehold on several adjacent inland districts and are perfectly happy to leave them undiluted.

4. North Carolina 12th
When it was originally drawn, this district included the heavily-black neighborhoods of Winston-Salem and Charlotte, connecting them along 160 miles of Interstate 85. The connection portion was so narrow that northbound and southbound motorists on the highway would sometimes find themselves in different districts. The structure was so obviously based on race that the Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional. The present iteration tones down the highway-based connection but the goal of uniting Charlotte and Winston-Salem remains realized.

5. Pennsylvania 12th
This district was drawn precisely to keep John Murtha in office and to reduce the number of Democrats representing Pennsylvania in Congress. This district includes the liberal suburbs of Pittsburgh and leaves out the conservative suburbs and rural areas. When the Republican-controlled state legislature redrew this district in 2000, it included the home of Rep. Frank Mascara (though not his driveway). As a result, two incumbent Democratic congressmen needed to run against each other. Murtha won, Mascara lost, and the Republicans gained a seat.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 6

2007-10-11T21:48:00.000-04:00

After a week in which Trent Green, Matt Leinart, and Jake Delhomme all likely saw their season end, it occurred to me that we never mention the likes of premier quarterbacks such as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Brett Favre in conversations like these. It raised the following question for me: Have these guys managed to become great quarterbacks because they've luckily dodged injuries, or is their ability to dodge injuries part of their brilliant talent? Those three quarterbacks haven't missed a game due to injury since they assumed their starting roles and it's foolish to think that their perfect attendance record is a fluke.

The block that led to Green's concussion last week has been alternately described as gutsy, reckless, or cheap. When was the last time you heard either of those last two words used in conjunction with Manning, Brady, or Favre? The big three just don't make stupid plays that cause them to expose themselves in precarious positions. They're exceptionally smart about where they throw the ball, so it should come as not surprise that they're exceptionally smart about where they put their bodies.

Then again, these QB's might want to profusively thank their offensive lines for their good health. Unlike Donovan McNabb, who tastes grass frequently enough to be an honorary member of the Indigo Girls, it is a rare occurrence indeed when any of the big three gets sacked. If a quarterback doesn't even get touched, how can he get hurt?

I'm not particularly well-versed in the technical aspects of football, so I only make note of this phenomenon without trying to explain it. All I can say is that the correlation between quarterback health and quarterback performance seems like it's no accident. I'm just glad to have one of those guys on my team.

Author's note: When I found the above photograph for this article, I wanted to entitle it "Trent Green injured." However, a quick check of my photo folder yielded the finding that I already used that title for a photo in last year's Playing The Spread. Case in point.

The following selections are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers. If you disregarded my warning last week, aren't you sorry!

Last week's disaster: 3-11
Season To Date: 33-37-6
Best Bets: 2-3
Eliminator: 4-1 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 3-2

Patriots (-5.5) over Cowboys
After Tony Romo's five-interception performance last week, Asante Samuel must be licking his lips. Or maybe he's just excited to try some of T.O.'s popcorn. WIN

Bucs (-3) over Titans
For selection purposes, I've learned to disregard the result of any previous week's game played at the RCA Dome as an aberration for the visiting team. TIE

Bears (-5) over Vikings
Looks like we wrote the Bears off for dead a little too soon. But when the media's calling for Kyle Orton to be given a chance as your starter, you'd do the same thing. LOSS

Jaguars (-6.5) over Texans
If Travis Johnson is so set on taunting a player while standing over his defeated, unconscious body, I'd like to suggest he take a ride up to Yankee Stadium. WIN

Browns (-4.5) over Dolphins
Cleo Lemon is the NFL player with the wimpiest-sounding name this side of Ashley Lelie. WIN

Rams (+9.5) over Ravens
The Rams might not have a single wide receiver this Sunday, but against a Ravens team that scored but three field goals last week, the Rams could cover the spread even if they're on the wrong end of a shutout. LOSS

Redskins (+3) over Packers
I could issue a pronouncement that Brett Favre is actually mortal, but if you're willing to look back about ten months, you'll see that my revelation is nothing new. TIE

Bengals (-3) over Chiefs
If you had Week 5 in your 2007 Bengals arrest pool, you win. I think I know the ideal team for Ricky Williams should he be reinstated. LOSS

Eagles (-3) over Jets
One week after a career game, Donovan McNabb was sacked 12 times. Looks like it's time for him to play the race card again. WIN

Panthers (+4) over Cardinals
Carolina has a tough decision to make about who will start this week: a washed-up quarterback who's taken plenty of licks and whose best days are behind him, or Vinny Testaverde. WIN

Chargers (-9.5) over Raiders
I feel like a sleeping giant has been awakened. San Diego let out four weeks of football frustration in Denver and it seems like they're showing no signs of slowing down. WIN

Seahawks (-6.5) over Saints
In their first five games this year, Seattle scored 20, 20, 24, 23, and 0 points. If ever there was an argument for regression to the mean, this is it. LOSS

Giants (-3.5) over Falcons
If she manages to stop crying about Joe Torre's not-so-imminent departure by Monday night, at least WCBS's Suzyn Waldman can take pleasure in the Giants' inevitable steamrolling of the hapless Falcons. WIN

BEST BET: Browns (-4.5) over Dolphins WIN
ELIMINATOR: San Diego Chargers WIN

THE MONKEY: Packers (-3) over Redskins TIE

Yankees Still Suck!

2007-10-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

Last night completed yet another marvelous Gothamfreude doubleheader as the New York Yankees suffered yet another postseason meltdown, this time losing to the Cleveland Indians in four games. Joe Torre made the most boneheaded managing decision this side of Grady Little when he decided to start Chien-Ming Wang on three days rest even though he had a fresh Mike Mussina on the bench. One inning and later, the Yanks were left to climb out of a 4-0 hole. Meanwhile, Indians manager Eric Wedge smartly resisted the calls to start his ace, C.C. Sabathia, on short rest, opting to stick with the four-man rotation by throwing Paul Byrd, as scheduled. Unlike the Yankees, the Indians would have one more game if they lost Game 4, and besides, why screw with a formula that left you tied for the best regular-season record in baseball?

Once the Indians had taken their lead, all they needed to do was buckle down and keep the Yankees from coming back. And the Yanks were all to happy to comply. Alex Rodriguez finally broke out of his years-long postseason slump when he hit a homer in the seventh, but it was quite possibly the most useless home run of the series, since there was nobody on base and it shaved the deficit from four to three and the following batters didn't do a damn thing to follow it up. Meanwhile, Derek Jeter assumed A-Rod's traditional choker role by hitting into an inning-ending double play in the 6th with one out and runners on the corners. It was a meltdown for the ages, and to make it even more sweet, it transpired in front of 56,000 speechless members of the Yankees faithful.

Some claim that if the Red Sox do end up winning the World Series, it won't be quite as sweet since we didn't go through the Yankees to do it. I find that sentiment to be a bunch of crap. A World Series is a World Series, and besides, we exorcised those Yankee demons in 2004. I'd much rather play Cleveland, avoiding an opponent we know so well (and the inevitable hyperbole that accompanies their so-called superstars) in favor of an up-and-coming young team. Cleveland will be a tough test, don't get me wrong, especially from a pitching perspective, but I appreciate the opportunity to craft a whole new storyline starting on Friday.

For Your Convenience

2007-10-08T17:22:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, I visited travelocity.com to price out a flight and hotel package to Las Vegas. After picking my hotel and finding the flight schedule I wanted, the website brought me to the page where they list all the shows and tours and excursions and even meals or shopping packages that you can purchase for while you're on the trip. I was greeted with the message, "For your convenience, we have added ground transportation to your purchase. If you do not wish to purchase ground transportation, please change the quantity of transfers to 0 and confirm your selection."

Now, "for your convenience" is one of those danger phrases, like "to better serve you" and "as an added benefit to our customer," that corporations use to disguise what would otherwise be a naked cash grab. On this occasion, the website makes you go through a multi-step, non-intuitive process to decline something you didn't want anyway. The ground transportation they speak of is a round-trip ticket for one of those shuttle vans that ply the Strip. If you have more than one person, a taxi is only marginally more expensive and much quicker, especially considering that you must schedule your return pick-up with the shuttle company several hours earlier and then hope they show up on time.

I find this type of marketing to be disingenuous, if not altogether deceptive. It's one thing to have to click through three pages of tours or show tickets they're trying to cross-sell you (especially since the same tours or tickets are 30% cheaper if you purchase them directly from the operator once you're at your destination). It's another thing when an additional product is added to your package without you specifically requesting it. Granted, the basic rules of caveat emptor require you to read through a web page before you click the button to check out, and the unsolicited inclusion of ground transportation is clearly noted if you read the first few lines of the page. However, it is a reasonable assumption that when you select the product you want online and then click "Continue" on all successive pages until you reach the checkout screen, you won't end up with any extras.

To make matters worse, Travelocity includes the waste of money that is travel insurance in your package, forcing you to actively decline that add-on as well. Because of all the steps I had to take to avoid being charged for unwanted extras, "for your convenience" is anything but.

Top Five Baseball Natural Disasters

2007-10-07T13:28:00.000-04:00

Baseball has a reputation for calling games at the sight of the slightest raindrop. But far more severe weather-related events or natural disasters have affected baseball games, some of which resulted in cancellations while others did not.

1. Earthquake (Giants-Athletics, 1989 World Series)
As Game 3 of the 1989 World Series was about to start, the television feed at the Oakland Coliseum was suddenly interrupted, only to be replaced with a sitcom rerun several minutes later. It turned out that an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter Scale had hit the Bay Area. The World Series was postponed for ten days as the region's infrastructure and telecommunications links were restored.

2. Infestation (Yankees-Indians, 2007 ALDS)
We saw a modern-day version of the third plague on Friday night. In the late innings of Game 2, a swarm of midges suddenly descended on Jacobs Field. Yankees training staff repeatedly and fruitlessly sprayed pitcher Joba Chamberlain with insect repellent. With the bugs swarming around him and climbing all over his skin, Chamberlain delivered a wild pitch that allowed the Indians to tie the game.

3. Flood (Pirates-Astros, 1976)
When the Houston Astrodome was constructed, it was supposed to be the panacea for the frequent rainouts that plagued Houston's previous outdoor stadium. Yet, the Astrodome suffered a rainout anyway on June 15, 1976, when torrential rains flooded the area around the Astrodome kept the umpires and most spectators for making it to the stadium while the players and about 20 hardy fans were stranded inside the dome overnight.

4. Snow (White Sox-Blue Jays, 1977)
The first MLB game ever played in Toronto was fittingly greeted by a snow storm. With winds in excess of 20 mph and a wind chill factor of 10 degrees below zero, the game proceeded anyway. The Blue Jays borrowed the Zamboni machine from the Toronto Maple Leafs in order to clear the snow off the infield carpet between innings. The outfield was left covered by snow.

5. Hurricane (Yankees-Orioles, 2003)
With the season winding down and precious few make-up dates available, the Orioles opted to play the final game of a series against the Yankees despite the rapid approach of Hurricane Isabel. It seemed like the entire city of Baltimore -- schools and government included -- had closed down, yet the baseball game, which was moved from 7 p.m. to the early afternoon, went ahead anyway. The teams managed to fight off the elements long enough to play five innings and make the game official, but since it ended in a 1-1 tie, they would have to make it up anyway. After the game, the Yankees' plane was nearly marooned in Baltimore, barely managing to leave the city before the storm became too severe.

Honorable Mention: Disco Records (Tigers-White Sox, 1979)
In one of the most ill-fated promotions in MLB history, Bill Veeck and the Chicago White Sox held Disco Demolition Night in between the two games of a doubleheader. Fans were encouraged to bring their old disco records to the stadium. After the first game concluded, the records were assembled into a box in the outfield which was promptly blown up. The explosion carved out a hole in the outfield grass as fragments of records rained down everywhere. Rowdy fans rushed the field and rioted, which resulted in the White Sox forfeiting the second game of the twinbill.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 5

2007-10-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

The new NFL touchdown pass champion is Brett Favre. After flirting with retirement for what seems like three straight years, Favre is off to one of the greatest starts of his career. Despite not having a running game to speak of, the Packers are 4-0 and with the possible exception of the Cowboys, look like the strongest team in the NFC.

But the thing about Brett Favre is that he's an eminently likable guy. Over the past 15 years or so, he's become a pleasant constant in our lives. Heck, the man hasn't missed a start since being given the job in 1992. The Packers' backup quarterback has the most frustrating job in sports this side of Milton Bradley's anger management counselor. When he suffered various family emergencies, we shared his pain with him, then experienced the elation when he responded to his grief with career-best performances.

About the biggest compliment Favre could receive is the standing ovation he got from Vikings fans after breaking Dan Marino's touchdown record on the road. Here's a guy that comes into the Metrodome once a year and gives the hometown team fits. he has single-handedly kept the Vikings out of the playoffs more than one. Yet, the fans of the Purple People Eaters have nothing but respect for Favre. He may be a constant thorn in their side, but they can't say a single bad word about him. He's just plain better than anyone the Vikings have positioned behind center since Fran Tarkenton.

And the crowning glory was seeing the always-irritable Dan Marino clench his teeth and congratulate Favre after yet another one of his records slipped away.

The following selections are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-7
Season to date: 30-26-6
Best Bets: 2-2
Eliminator: 3-1 (Streak: L 1)
The Monkey: 2-2

Browns (+16.5) over Patriots
Cleveland's strategy of suffering horrifying losses in odd weeks while pulling out improbable victories in even weeks is a perfect recipe for an 8-8 record and yet another thrashing by the Patriots. (Something tells me that Romeo Crennel won't let his team lose by three scores, though.) LOSS

Titans (-8.5) over Falcons
The Falcons and Michael Vick are entering arbitration over whether the team can revoke Vick's signing bonus. The arbitrator will be Special Master Stephen Burbank, who happens to be my old law professor. If memory serves me right, he's a dog owner. LOSS

Texans (-5.5) over Dolphins
You know your season is a lost cause when you get spanked by the Oakland Raiders. I mean, the team went 2-14 last year, and yet, the Fins still lost by three touchdowns. Nick Saban will be laughing all the way to the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. LOSS

Jaguars (-2) over Chiefs
Fresh off their shocking upset against the nevertheless overrated Chargers, people are wondering if the Chiefs might be the surprise team of the 2007 season. I'm willing to say no. WIN

Cardinals (-3.5) over Rams
They used to be The Greatest Show On Turf but the Rams managed but a single touchdown last week, and that was off a punt return. Marc Bulger might not be the problem, but Gus Frerotte certainly is not the solution. LOSS

Panthers (+3) over Saints
Each year, there's one team that comes out of nowhere to make waves in the playoffs, only to return to 5-11 obscurity the year afterward. In 2004, it was the Falcons, in 2005, the Bengals, and last year, it was the Saints. NFL experts are desperately clinging to last season and hoping that the Saints turn it around. History tells us that it's time to let go. WIN

Giants (-3.5) over Jets
I picked the Jets as my Eliminator last week, thinking that knocking off the M*A*S*H unit in Buffalo would be a slam dunk. I learned this very important lesson: never underestimate how badly Chad Pennington sucks. WIN

Seahawks (+5.5) over Steelers
You know, if the Seattle Seahawks were to suddenly drop out of the NFL and disband, I'm not sure anybody outside the Pacific Time Zone would even notice. LOSS

Lions (+3.5) over Redskins
I guess I might as well start drinking the Kool-Aid and hop on the Lions bandwagon. According to Jon Kitna, even God has climbed aboard. LOSS

Bucs (+10) over Colts
While Tampa Bay might be the surprise team of the year (amazing what can happen when you replace a QB who got his job through nepotism with someone who's actually earned the position), I can't see them upsetting the Colts on the road. LOSS

Broncos (-1.5) over Chargers
When Marty Schottenheimer's your coach, at least you're in the games until you blow it at the end. LOSS

Ravens (-3.5) over 49ers
Which team will be the first to cough up a huge lead and find themselves in a hole they can't get out of? Find out this Sunday afternoon on CBS! LOSS

Packers (-3) over Bears
The legend of Brett Favre continues. The legend of Rex Grossman is dead. The legend of Brian Griese never existed in the first place. LOSS

Cowboys (-10) over Bills
After doing his best Garo Yepremian impression last week, let's see what Tony Romo can do to toy with the opposition this time around. LOSS

BEST BET: Broncos (-1.5) over Chargers LOSS
ELIMINATOR: New York Giants WIN

THE MONKEY: Rams (+3.5) over Cardinals WIN

Gothamfreude

2007-09-30T18:40:00.000-04:00

Of all the things in the sports world that bring me joy, watching New York teams embarrass themselves ranks second only to seeing Boston teams win the big games. Whether it's Eli Manning getting clocked and coughing up the ball or Isiah Thomas making yet another boneheaded personnel decision or some Islander goon smacking another player across the face with his stick, seeing New Yorkers make those foolish mistakes fills me with glee.

Now, it might not rank up there with blowing a 3-0 lead in the ALCS, but the latest collapse by the Mets is one which the New Yorkers won't forget for a while. The Mets led the NL East by seven games with 17 to play, yet lost 12 of those final 17 games, coughing up the division lead to the Phillies. As of yesterday, the Mets and Phils were tied for the lead, both needing to win to assure themselves of at least a single-game playoff for the postseason, if not a berth outright. The Mets' odds looked pretty good, seeing as how they were facing off against the 70-91 Florida Marlins with future Hall of Famer Tom Glavine on the mound. Yet, Glavine couldn't make it out of the first inning. He gave up seven runs but notched only one out before getting the hook. The Mets never recovered from the early onslaught and went on to drop the game 8-1, missing out on the playoffs altogether.

It's not just the fact that the Mets lost that makes me so happy, it's the fact that they crashed and burned in such dramatic fashion. If they played the Marlins to a close game and lost on a bad bounce in the late innings, it would be one thing. But the Mets were never in the game from the outset. Rank this one up there with Kevin Brown's oh-so-dismal Game Seven choke in the 2004 ALCS. Sure, it would have been even better if it were the Yankees, but the Sox will have a chance to take care of the Yanks themselves in a couple of weeks.

The International Language

2007-09-29T15:39:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I was sitting in the law school student center selling tickets for a trip to Six Flags New England that will take place next weekend. A graduate student from Asia came by and asked me what Six Flags was. I told him that it was an amusement park, but with his limited command of English, he didn't seem to understand. I then described it as a theme park and a carnival, but he still didn't comprehend. His friend from India tried the words joyland or playland, but neither seemed to clicked. Finally, I thought of a word that means the same thing in every language and perfectly describes what I wanted to convey.

"It's like Disneyland," I said. He understood completely and signed right up.

Locking It Down

2007-09-28T14:03:00.000-04:00

In connection with one of my law school classes, I toured the Middlesex County Jail in East Cambridge yesterday. Situated on the top four floors of the 21-story Edward Sullivan Courthouse, the jail houses approximately 350 pre-trial detainees, despite the fact that it was originally constructed to house half as many.

As a result, the jail is horribly overcrowded. The cells are all full, so inmates sleep on bunk beds laid side to side, barely a foot apart, in the hallways of the cellblocks. Other rooms, which are barely bigger than my living room, house over a dozen inmates. Inmates without their own cells have tiny storage lockers for their possessions. The jail also includes an administrative segregation wing with six individual cells, as well as a protective custody area.

For recreation, the inmates have a small gym with several cardio machines, half a dozen weight machines, and a ping pong table, along with two rooftop yards, each containing half a basketball court. While outdoors, the yards are fenced in by concrete walls with only small slits giving a view of the outside world. The jail cafeteria serves three meals a day. The jail also has a chapel with weekly services conducted by clergy of various faiths, along with a small library and a full-service medical clinic.

One thing the correctional officers will tell you as soon as you enter the jail is that it's a pre-trial facility, meaning that the inmates must be consider innocent, since they have not yet been proven guilty. As a result, the officers remain very cognizant of the inmates' constitutional rights and treat the inmates with the utmost respect. In many respects, the inmates and the officers are equals, working side-by-side to prepare meals in the kitchen or sitting together . By treating the inmates like fellow human beings, it reduces (though it doesn't eliminate) the animosity that leads to prisoner-officer conflagrations.

While it may be a pre-trial detention facility, it is still a detention facility for which time spent before conviction is applied toward your ultimate sentence. Therefore, it's not supposed to be particularly comfortable. Certain security procedures must be followed as well. What seemed most awful about the jail is the complete lack of personal space and the boredom that predominates during the day. When you go to sleep at night, there very well may be other inmates lying down within a foot or two on either side of you. During the day, there isn't much of anywhere you can go outside of meal and recreation periods. As a result, most inmates spend their days just sitting or lying down on their beds or perhaps wandering around the cell blocks. It just seems downright miserable. But it could be much, much worse.

Today I Am A Man

2007-09-27T15:24:00.000-04:00

Since 1980, September 27th has always been a special day in the history of the world. (September 31st is a special day as well, but that's another story for another time.) However, September 27th, 2007, is an extraordinarily special day, since it is not just my birthday but my 27th birthday. Yeah, that's right -- I'm turning 27 on the 27th. Starting this afternoon (at precisely 3:24 p.m.) I am officially in my late 20's. I now definitively feel like I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. Sure, I was closer to 30 than 20 last year, but when you're 26, you're not all that much closer. A little bit of denial can sweep that inconvenient fact under the rug. But once you hit 27, all the denial in the world can't lull you into that comfortable state of contrived delusion.

My eminently wise high school math teacher Peter Atlas gave us the following piece of advice: "Don't ever believe it when people tell you that your college years are the best years of your life. If that's true, it means that the last 60 years are all downhill. Can you believe what life would be like if people actually peaked in their early 20's?" Optimist that I am, I've taken Mr. Atlas' words to heart. I may be getting older, but my life is getting better. I am merely getting started. If you thought the first 27 years were fun, just wait.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 4

2007-09-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

Two weeks ago, in overtime, Sebastian Janikowski had kicked what appeared to be a game-winning 52 yard field goal against the Denver Broncos. Unbeknownst to him, Denver coach Mike Shanahan had signaled for a timeout just before the snap and the sideline official had blown his whistle to stop the game. Janikowski had to kick again and this time around, he plunked the kick off the upright. This past week, learning from Shanahan, Raiders coach Lane Kiffen called a last-minute timeout just before the Browns' Phil Dawson delivered his potential game-winner, forcing Dawson to rekick. This time around, the kick was blocked.

The tactic of icing the kicker with a late timeout is nothing new. What is new, however, is that coaches can now call timeouts themselves. When it was up to defensive players to make the call themselves, they would signal to the umpire who would blow his whistle and wave his arms. The umpire would be directly in the center's line of sight, so once he realized the play was dead, he wouldn't snap the ball. Now, when the side judge blows play dead, it takes a split second for the players and officials near the line of scrimmage to figure out what's happening and the kick takes place before people realize it's supposed to stop.

People disagree on whether taking field goal attempts that wouldn't count is even a bad thing. But the problem is that any attempt to curtail kicker-icing tactics is bound to make officiating more complicated. How are referees supposed to distinguish between a timeout to ice the kicker and a bona fide timeout called because one of the players noticed a last-minute flaw in his team's defense? Some might suggest that we forbid coaches from calling timeouts on field goal attempts, but again, what if it's a timeout for other reasons. The whole point of giving coaches the right to call timeout is to let them stop the game if they see something their players don't notice.

My feeling is that timeouts to ice the kicker and the occasional nullified field goal are just part of the game. We are dealing with professionals here who should be able to hit a 42-yard field goal on eight of ten attempts. They should expect that opposing teams will attempt to ice them, and if they don't hear the whistle before taking a kick, they should consider it a free warm-up. It's unfair to require officials to call the game based on speculation about the motives of certain teams. Just allow the last-second timeouts to take place and deal with them.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-6-3
Season to date: 23-19-6
Best Bets: 1-2
Eliminator: 3-0
The Monkey: 2-1

Packers (-1.5) over Vikings
Back when the Packers were perennial contenders, their annual trip to the Metrodome usually resulted in an upset. But that was before the Vikings had to make a quarterback decision between Damned If You Do Jackson and Damned If You Don't Holcomb. WIN

Texans (-3) over Falcons
When the schedule makers set up this game, it was supposed to be understudy Matt Schaub's return to Atlanta to face his former superior, Michael Vick. The best laid plans fall by the wayside when multiple sets of indictments are involved. LOSS

Jets (-3.5) over Bills
Poor Buffalo. No team deserves to have to deal with so many injuries. Then again, I remember a certain Patriots team that suffered injury after injury but still won the Super Bowl. LOSS

Ravens (-4.5) over Browns
The league office sent a memo to the Ravens this week informing them that they don't get bonus points in the standings for building up huge leads and then seeing how close they can get to blowing the game without actually losing. LOSS

Cowboys (-13) over Rams
There's one team in the NFC that's capable of giving the AFC a run for its money in the Super Bowl. I can't see the Rams posing much of a hurdle on the Cowboys' inevitable march toward Glendale. WIN

Bears (-3) over Lions
Four games ago, Rex Grossman was the starting QB in the Super Bowl. Now, he's warming the bench. My, how the mighty have fallen. (Then again, many people would insist that Grossman was never mighty.) LOSS

Raiders (+4) over Dolphins
Lane Kiffin actually won a game with the Raiders, which already puts him halfway to the number of wins Art Shell had last year. Maybe Kiffen will actually survive until next season. WIN

49ers (+2) over Seattle
If the entire NFC West finishes at 8-8 or below, can we just have them forfeit their playoff spot and give it to a team from the AFC that actually deserves it? LOSS

Bucs (+3) over Panthers
Jeff Garcia visits Charlotte is his continuing quest for a Super Bowl ring to share his fireplace mantle with his wife's Playmate Of The Year award. (I wouldn't have minded being at that wedding.) WIN

Steelers (-6) over Cardinals
So what if Mike Tomlin had no head coaching experience and spent only one year as a coordinator? When you have talent like the Steelers do, you don't really need to do much actual coaching. LOSS

Chiefs (+11.5) over Chargers
Somewhere, Marty Schottenheimer is watching TV and smiling. I hear there's a job with the Giants that's opening up pretty soon. Also, LaDanian Tomlinson is one reason why I'm glad I don't play in a fantasy league. WIN

Colts (-9.5) over Broncos
For all the people who call Mike Shanahan a tactical genius, I say this: 4th and 5, own nine-yard line, down 20-14, 4:19 to play, shotgun, deep pass over the middle, incomplete. Not so brilliant anymore, is here? WIN

Eagles (-3) over Giants
Philadelphia finally figured out that all they must do to start winning games is show up wearing heinous sky blue and yellow uniforms thus force other teams into a nausea-ridden visual stupor. LOSS

Patriots (-7) over Bengals
Can the Patriots score 38 points for the fourth week in a row? Against a Bengals defense that gave up 52 to the Browns, I'd be shocked if they didn't. WIN

BEST BET: Packers (-1.5) over Vikings WIN
ELIMINATOR: New York Jets LOSS

THE MONKEY: Jets (-3.5) over Bills LOSS

The Price Of Democracy

2007-09-25T21:15:00.000-04:00

Today was election day in my hometown of Somerville. Early this morning, I went to my polling place to vote in the sole race being contested today, the mayoral primary. The mayoral race is non-partisan, so state law requires a primary if the number of candidates exceeds double the number of spaces available. So, today, we rounded down the number of candidates from three to two, and on November 6th, we'll round it down from two to one (despite the fact that the incumbent, Joe Curtatone, carried 77% of the vote in the primary and his reelection is all but assured).

There were about ten senior citizens working the polls this morning, checking people in, handing out ballots, demonstrating to voters how to fill out their ballots (when requested), checking people out once they voted, and directing voters as they fed their ballots into the tabulation machine. Plus, according to state law, a police officer must be present at all times when the polls are open. My polling station is in a private apartment complex for which the city must pay rent. Over the course of the twelve hours during which the polls were open, a mere 154 people cast ballots. And consider that my polling station was just one of approximately twenty scattered throughout the city. When you think about the salaries, police details, and rent, it really adds up.

Consider also that several precincts in Somerville were just at the polls two weeks ago to participate in a special primary election for the state senate seat vacated by Jarrett Barrios. Even though there was a municipal election already scheduled for two weeks later, state law requires special elections to be completed by a certain date after the seat is vacated. So, Somerville needed to set up the whole election apparatus on two separate occasions just 15 days apart. The general election portion of the state senate race is scheduled for October 9th, even though there will already be a municipal election less than a month later.

What bothers me about this system is that the state mandates the schedules and procedures and regulations for elections while the municipalities are stuck paying the bill. A city like Somerville that seeks to save money by consolidating its election finds its hands tied by the state. I'm a huge fan of democracy and I completely support the idea of giving people the right to select their own leaders, but we can do things more efficiently. Therefore, I propose the following changes to the system:

1. Designate two days per year for national and state elections
The state should designate one day in September for a state primary and one day in November for the general election. These days should correspond to any national election days imposed by Congress. Municipalities will know of these dates in advance and can schedule their own elections to correspond in order to save money. If they so desire to spend money on additional or alternate dates, it's up to them. But the state will not mandate any elections beyond those that take place on those two days.

2. Allow for temporary appointments to fill vacant seats
Under this proposed system, elections to fill vacant seats can only take place on one of the two pre-designated dates. So what happens if a seat is vacated ten months before the next election? I propose that the state governor should have the power to temporarily fill vacant seats by appointment, possibly subject to certain restrictions, such as requiring that replacement officers come from the same party as their predecessors. We already allow two-year vacancy appointments for the United States Senate, which is a far more powerful office than anything in a state legislature.

3. Eliminate the primary requirement for non-partisan races
Primaries make sense where individual parties need to select their nominee, but mandatory primaries are much less useful in a nonpartisan race where all candidates run against each other.
If there is no clear winner in an open election, it makes sense to hold a runoff. But where one candidate captures more votes than all of his opponents combined, having a runoff is a waste of time. The way it works in Massachusetts, if three candidates run with the vote totals coming down split 79%-11%-10%, it's clear that the front-runner has a mandate. The second-place candidate gets to stay in the race even though he was spanked by the front-runner and only managed a few more votes than the third-place candidate. A mandatory runoff in the face of such a huge margin of victory is a waste of time.

4. Explore mail-based and internet voting options
Having a brick-and-mortar polling station may be necessary in order to fulfill constitutional requirements (not everyone has a computer, and homeless individuals might not have a mailbox at which a ballot can be sent to them). But if a municipality wants to consolidate its polling stations and encourage people to vote by remote means, it should be encouraged. Of course, any system will need to have safeguards to prevent tampering and voter fraud, but the future is in cyberspace voting. States and municipalities should recognize the cost savings in such approaches and start moving in that direction.

A Parade Of Idiots

2007-09-23T13:25:00.000-04:00

On Friday, an MIT student was arrested at Logan Airport while wearing an electronic device with wires and flashing LED's that appeared to be a bomb. Homeland Security alarmists live for such an incident, as do commentators like myself who enjoy pointing out when people act like idiots.

IDIOT: Star Simpson
The MIT student constructed her glowing sweatshirt apparatus to impress prospective employers at the MIT career fair. But she made the dubious decision to keep the sweatshirt on in general public, particularly among the highly-sensitive folks at Logan Airport who pride themselves for being on the front line of the War On Terror. And as if the circuit board weren't enough, Simpson inexplicably felt the need to accessorize her artwork by carrying a lump of Play-Doh. MIT students are supposed to be brilliant. What did Simpson really think would happen? At the very least, she would have gotten a whole bunch of weird looks.

IDIOT: State Police Major Scott Pare
After the arrest, the commanding officer of the airport police troop declared that the incident is a reminder of the terrorism threat confronting the civil aviation system. He's wrong. What Simpson did involved no terrorist threat whatsoever. If the State Police had thwarted an actual bombing, things would have been different. But in this case, all the incident reminds us is that we're continuously on edge about a terrorist threat that might or might not actually exist. If the past eight months are any indication, Boston faces a much greater threat from performance artists than from terrorists.

IDIOT: The media
I find the media to be particularly complicit in this epidemic of Homeland Security alarmism. In its headline and lead, the Associated Press described the device as a "fake bomb," despite the fact that nothing else in the article indicated that the device was anything besides a piece of artwork mistaken by others as an explosive. Additionally, the Boston Globe stated that Simpson faces up to five years in prison if convicted of possessing a hoax device. While the Globe is technically correct, in that the statutory maximum for such an offense is five years, there is virtually no chance that a person with no record convicted of a nonviolent offense would face a day in prison, let alone multiple years. If the prosecutor would ask for such a sentence, the judge would laugh in out of court. A much more likely sentence would involve some combination of a fine, community service, and a year or two of probation. For the Globe to focus on the theoretical maximum sentence rather than the probable punishment is just plain misleading.

NOT AN IDIOT: Maria Moncayo
The Massport information booth staffer did entirely the right thing by reporting Simpson and her apparatus to the police. This incident wasn't a repeat of the massive overreaction that took place earlier this year when alarmists mistook a collection of Lite-Brite boards with cartoon characters giving obscene gestures as a well-concerted terrorist attack. Sure, any Al-Qaeda operative worth his kaffiyeh would make some effort to conceal the bomb instead of strutting around the airport showing it off, but a mentally ill copycat bomber might not take such a precaution. You can install all the metal detectors in the world, but our greatest defense against a terrorist threat (whether real or imagined) is a willingness for people to speak up when something seems amiss.

Top Five Dominant Athletes

2007-09-21T09:54:00.000-04:00

These athletes revolutionized their sports and were head and shoulders above anybody else in their generation.

1. Babe Ruth, baseball
The Sultan of Swat singlehandedly doubled the single season home run record over the course of his career. His 714 career homers would not be eclipsed for four decades (and only twice since). The New York Yankees had to build the largest baseball stadium ever constructed just to handle all the fans who wanted to see Ruth play. And to cap it all off, Ruth spent much of his career on the sauce.

2. Michael Jordan, basketball
His Airness made an art form out of the slam dunk. With his tongue flapping, he led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships. At a ridiculous 30.1 points per game over his entire career, Jordan holds the NBA record for scoring average. Jordan was also the first athlete to transcend the world of sports, allowing shoe companies to sell products simply by slapping Jordan's name on them.

3. Wayne Gretzky, hockey
The Great One won nine NHL most valuable player awards and led the Edmonton Oilers to four Stanley Cup championships. He is the only person to have exceeded 200 points in a single season -- a feat he accomplished four separate times. Over his career, he averaged 1.3 assists per game. Gretzky's trade to the Los Angeles Kings in 1988 revolutionized pro hockey to the United States, opening the door to the expansion of the 1990's which saw hockey teams being placed all across the southern and western U.S.

4. Tiger Woods, golf
In today's PGA, there's Tiger Woods and then there's everything else. The man is 31 years old and has won thirteen major championships, well ahead of pace to smash Jack Nicklaus' record of eighteen. Woods has demolished course records at places like Pebble Beach and Augusta, forcing club members to add yardage to their courses in an attempt to "Tiger-proof" them. Woods won the inaugural FedExCup despite skipping one of the four playoff events. Woods is also responsible for a recent surge in the number of people watching and playing golf.

5. Pelé, soccer
Pelé burst onto the international scene at the age of seventeen, scoring six goals as Brazil won the 1958 World Cup. Pelé also led Brazil to championships at the 1962 and 1970 World Cups. He also notched an absurd 507 goals in club play, averaging more than one goal per game. But Pelé's most important contributions to the beautiful game were his incredible ball control and lightning-quick reflexes, the likes of which had never before been seen from a footballer.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 3

2007-09-20T15:35:00.000-04:00

When writing Playing The Spread, I generally dislike using the commentary section for the same issue two weeks in a row. However, given the latest round of columns and opinion segments by members of the sports media, I feel the need to comment further about the Bill Belichick signal-stealing allegations.

The talking heads of the sports world are up in arms about what Belichick allegedly did. There is no shortage of newspaper writers rushing out from the woodwork to decry this signal-stealing. Some have compared it with the 1919 Black Sox scandal, others have predicted that it will bring the NFL to its knees in the collective public consciousness.

Let's get one thing straight here: what Belichick did was against the rules. He deserves to be punished. But Belichick's transgression was not the stealing of signals itself but merely the use of video to steal the signals, especially in the immediate aftermath of a missive by the commissioner forbidding such a practice. Had Belichick posted an employee in the stands with binoculars and a notepad, it would be no problem. If you believe that Belichick is the first coach in NFL history to have attempted to steal signals, you are naive.

What bothered me most was Wednesday's SI.com column by Frank Deford, who I usually respect. He suggested that if Roger Goodell were to declare the game a forfeit, it would be justified. Deford is off his rocker. The alleged videotape was confiscated in the first half, well before any member of the coaching staff could have reviewed it. The Patriots derived no competitive advantage whatsoever from that tape. Had it never existed, they would have beaten the Jets by the same 38-14 score. If the commissioner were to start reversing results as a discretionary sanction for offenses that don't affect the outcome of that specific game, it would set a dangerous and irreversible precedent. Besides, the Jets did absolutely nothing to deserve a win in that game.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 8-7-1
Season to date: 16-13-3
Best Bets: 0-2
Eliminator: 2-0
The Monkey: 2-0

Bills (+16.5) over Patriots
The Pats are on a tear and every other team in the AFC East is downright pathetic, but one only need to look at last Sunday's slate of late games to realize that huge spreads are dangerous. LOSS

Colts (-6) over Texans
Bold prediction of the year: this is the season that the Houston Texans will make the playoffs. But it will be as a wild card, not the division champ. They're not in the same league as the Colts, especially not without Andre Johnson. TIE

Jets (-3) over Dolphins
Just want to make sure I have it clear: using a video camera to record the other team's defensive signals is verboten but shouting at the line of scrimmage to induce a false start is perfectly fine, right? Thought so. TIE

Lions (+6) over Eagles
Donovan McNabb claimed that black quarterbacks get a disproportionate amount of criticism because of their race. In McNabb's case however, he receives a ton of criticism not because he's black but because he sucks. LOSS

Steelers (-9) over 49ers
Big Ben and the rest of the Steelers look like they're back in 2005 form. Neither the Ravens nor the Bengals look like they're all that interested in winning the division so the Steelers will claim it by default. WIN

Bucs (-3.5) over Rams
I'll admit that I haven't given the Bucs much credit this year. But with Jeff Garcia doing his best to erase all memories of Chris Simms, it looks like Tampa Bay might be able to hold its own. WIN

Packers (+5) over Chargers
Was it really worth firing Marty Schottenheimer considering that Norv Turner took his place? WIN

Ravens (-8) over Cardinals
It seems like Kyle Boller is doing a great job filling while Steve McNair recovers from his annual injury (it came early this year). Now, all the Ravens need to do is figure out how to finish a game and everything will be fine for them. LOSS

Vikings (+3) over Chiefs
Watching last Sunday's Chiefs game caused me to give thanks that Tom Brady never missed a game between 2002 and 2004. The words "starting at quarterback, Damon Huard" cause any fan to tremble in fear. I'm not sure I'd feel any better upon hearing "starting at quarterback, Brodie Croyle" either. TIE

Browns (+3) over Raiders
Hopefully, Derek Anderson's performance last week will quiet the Browns fans who are clamoring for the Browns to sever Brady Quinn's development by rushing him into the starting role despite his lack of development at the professional level. WIN

Seahawks (-3.5) over Bengals
After Matt Ryan put forth such an impressive performance last Saturday, the onus is now on Matt Hasselbeck to preserve his place as the second-most famous quarterback to ever graduate from Boston College. A game against the Bengals' defense should help. LOSS

Broncos (-3) over Jaguars
The Broncos are favored by three, which is the exact number of points that Jason Elam will score when he hits his third straight game-ending field goal. LOSS

Panthers (-3.5) over Falcons
Just as I predicted in this space last week, the Falcons picked up Byron Leftwich to fill the void at quarterback left by Michael Vick. Playing The Spread -- bringing you cutting edge NFL news since 1998! WIN

Redskins (-3.5) over Giants
I'm thinking two, maybe three more losses until Tom Coughlin loses his job. The death watch by the New York media makes me giddy. LOSS

Cowboys (+3) over Bears
Dallas should be the perfect fit for Tank Johnson. After all, Texas has some of the loosest gun laws in the country. WIN

Titans (+4.5) over Saints
I hope saying this doesn't make me an evil person, but it seems pretty clear that the Saints feel-good 2006 season was a fluke. After making the NFC Championship last year, I can't see them getting a whiff of the the playoffs this time around. WIN

BEST BET: Cowboys (+3) over Bears WIN
ELIMINATOR: Pittsburgh Steelers WIN

THE MONKEY: Ravens (-8) over Cardinals LOSS

What A Dick

2007-09-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

Earlier tonight, "Evel" Dick Donato was crowned champion of Big Brother 8. While his tactics, which largely consisted of verbally abusing everyone in the house to the point where they were petrified to put him up for nomination, were despicable, they worked. Big Brother is a game where, year after year, the worst slimeballs are the ones who tend to make the final two. The heavily tattooed and pierced celebrity rump swab and rock star wannabe is no exception.

While some of the things that Dick did while inside the house were deplorable, others were downright criminal. In fact, if I were the Los Angeles district attorney, I would have been waiting outside the house tonight with an arrest warrant. Dick made what I believe amount to criminal threats against one of the contestants, telling her that he was going to kill her and rape her corpse. He also committed assault and battery against her by dumping iced tea on her head and burning her with his cigarette. When you consider that a prior contestant was banished by the producers merely for throwing a temper tantrum and kicking furniture, the fact that Dick was allowed to remain in the house (rather than in the big house) is even more egregious.

Plus, Dick cheated. When he became head of household, he received a letter from his son. According to the competition rules, this letter can't talk about what's going on in the game. However, Dick freely admitted at one point that the letter in fact contained a coded message giving him hints about what was going on. Dick was nonetheless allowed to remain in the house, which gives every other contestant still in the game at that point grounds for a lawsuit (and there's precedent for contestants to get the runner-up prize when the producers make an error -- it happened in Survivor: Africa). Oh, and rumor has it that Danielle, his supposedly-estranged daughter who made the final two along with him, wasn't quite as estranged as we were led to believe and was well aware that her father would be in the house along with her, to the point where they strategized together before the game began.

Well, I wasted my summer watching that crap, though I'm sure that next year, I'll be just as hooked by it. Now onto more wholesome fare. Thank goodness Heroes starts up again next week.

Anthropomorphic Stock Market

2007-09-17T17:34:00.000-04:00

Here's another entry on the list of things that drive me nuts: I hate when to local news cuts away some mercenary reporter standing on a balcony overlooking the New York Stock Exchange. Inevitably, she says something like, "The market was tentative today, closing down nearly 40 points on fears that tomorrow's consumer price index report will be below forecasts."

First of all, the market is inanimate. It cannot be tentative or skittish or aggressive. Sure, you can use those words as adjectives to describe the market's movement, but it doesn't make them into emotions that the stock market actually experiences. Personification is fine for poetry and novellas but it has no place in the daily news.

Second, nobody can really know for sure why the market rises or falls. The market is the net result of thousands of traders doing their own thing. Sure, analysts can speculate on the cause for a rise or fall, and most of the time, they're probably correct. But unless you ask everyone trading on the market about what they did that day and why, an assertion about the cause for market activity is merely an unsubstantiated hypothesis. For accuracy, these reporters should preface their statements by saying "analysts believe..." or "several traders concur...."

Then again, when was the last time we expected accurate reporting or proper source crediting from the local news?

Top Five It's A Magical World! Series

2007-09-14T15:49:00.000-04:00

Today, in honor of our 300th post, we recognize the top five series of thematically-related posts here on the blog.

1. Westward Ho! (August 2006)
Normally, my idea of a trip to find some foreign city or three, spend about six days there, and run around trying to see as much as possible. Well, back in August 2006, I broke all those rules. Instead of a foreign country, I stayed in the USA. Instead of a city, I focused on national parks. Instead of six days, I spent thirteen. And instead of running around trying to see as much as possible, my best buddy and I went driving around trying to see (and hike) as much as possible. Needing some outlet to share the glory that is the Western United States, I made a series of posts describing the trip. Sadly, successive incarnations of Yahoo! Photos destroyed the hyperlinks I had set up between my narrative and the pictures I took, but hopefully, my words can still do at least some justice to the wonders of nature in the Mountain Time Zone.

2. New 7 Wonders (May-July 2007)
When I heard that Swiss adventurer Bernhard Weber had the ambitious goal of naming a new list of seven wonders for the third millennium, I couldn't let him just go ahead without sharing my opinion. Of course, instead of just naming my choices from his pre-prepared list, I launched a full-on assault on his list, critiquing his choices and then projecting what should be included had the criteria changed. It ended up being a rather involved survey of global engineering projects.

3. Playing The Spread (Sep 2006-Feb 2007 and Sep 2007-present)
Playing The Spread was a column I wrote for the Brown Daily Herald during the four years I was an undergraduate student. It was inspired by a similar syndicated column written by Norman Chad. Instead of focusing solely on humor, my column mixed humor with serious analysis while providing a brief commentary section in addition to the individual game selections. After graduating, Playing The Spread was retired, since I no longer had a print outlet for it, but this blog gave me just the medium I needed to bring it back. I love picking games against the Vegas line (for fun), and in years past, I tracked my picks even though I had no outlet to publish them. However, immortalizing them in print makes me take things just a bit more seriously, even though nothing more than bragging rights are at stake.

4. 50 State Quarters (April and December 2007)
This series has elicited several "what's this stupid quarter thing you're doing?" comment. While I've been informally collecting these quarters since their inception, and while I've given thought to what makes a good design, it never previously occurred to me that I could evaluate the quarter designs in comparison with one another. I also wanted some sort of quantitative rating system, so a scale of zero to 25 cents was a stroke of genius that just occurred to me. The final post in the series will be made by December, once the U.S. Mint releases the designs for the last set of five states. (Possible designs have leaked out, but I am awaiting official confirmation from the Mint before evaluating them.)

5. Trivia (ongoing)
Unlike the other entries on this list, the series of trivia posts lacks any sort of coherent plan. I just throw a trivia question (or a set of them) online when a good one occurs to me. My love of trivia dates back to my high school days when I was a member of the Academic Bowl team. The format of our competitions largely foreclosed my favorite type of question: the multi-part question where you either need to deduce subsequent answers from previous answers or figure out which items from a list will answer the question. Now, I'm able to think up my own brainteasers and try them on people.

Honorable Mention: Retrospective Posts (ongoing)
Whenever It's A Magical World! reaches a certain milestone, be it in years or numbers of posts,
we like to celebrate it and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done. One of the ways in which we do so is through a retrospective post, which is usually a top five list pointing out some of the best work we've created here. These posts tend to include an honorable mention that takes self-referentiality to a whole new level.

Happy New Year, And Happy 300th!

2007-09-14T15:35:00.000-04:00

To all you Jews out there, on this holiday of Rosh Hashanah, I wish you a happy, healthy, sweet New Year. To all you non-Jews who have the day off from school or work, enjoy it. You're welcome.

But if you need something else to celebrate, this post marks the 300th entry on It's A Magical World! True, our rate of posting here has slowed since the inception, between school, work, travel, and creative sabbaticals. We're still here though and with football season underway, we'll have lots to talk about. Thanks to all for continuing to read what I care to share. As we go forward, comments and requests are more welcome than ever!

As you've come to expect and love, tomorrow's post will be one of those self-aggrandizing gratuitous retrospectives. Stay tuned!

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 2

2007-09-13T20:23:00.000-04:00

The big news around the league this week is that a Patriots' employee was caught allegedly filming defensive signals made by the New York Jets coaches. Of course, Eric Mangini was well aware of the practice, having served as an assistant coach with the Pats for several years, and took pleasure on narcing out his former mentor. I expect better from this team. Tempted as I am to make apologies for it, I can't figure out a single circumstance that would excuse it. "It's a stupid rule" doesn't count. Just ask Ricky Williams.

Roger Goodell has issued his judgment, docking the Pats a first-round draft pick if they make the playoffs (or a second- and third-round pick if they don't, but who are we kidding?) and assessing $750,000 worth of fines split between Bill Belichick and the team. I think the Pats got off easy. While a first-round draft pick may seem like a big deal, the Pats have displayed a consistent ability to find talent deep in the draft. With the highway robbery perpetrated by first-round picks this year, not having such a selection can free up some precious salary cap room. As for the fines, it's only money. Yeah, it's a significant chunk of Belichick's salary, but it won't put the man on the street. Frankly, I was expecting to see The Hooded One suspended for two or three games. If the NFL didn't do it, I wouldn't be surprised for Bob Kraft to impose the suspension itself. (Forfeiture was not a realistic option, since the tape was confiscated before halftime, meaning that Ellis Hobbs and Randy Moss did their thing without video assistance.)

The irony is that the Pats didn't even need to do what they did. The team was and is absolutely stacked and perfectly capable of winning the Super Bowl without resorting to dubious means in order to do it. Now, fairly or unfairly, the three championships that the Pats won have been cast into doubt.

As always, the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 8-6-2
Best Bets: 0-1
Eliminator: 1-0
The Monkey: 1-0

Patriots (-3.5) over Chargers
If you're going to steal defensive signs, you should at least find a team with defensive signals worth stealing. I assume the Pats won't steal the Chargers' signal telling Shawne Merriman to come to the sideline for another anabolic steroid shot. WIN

Texans (+6.5) over Panthers
Houston fans, thy savior is Matt Schaub. After being driven out of town, David Carr faces his old team and will be left to wonder what would have happened if he actually had an offensive line to work with. WIN

Jaguars (-10) over Falcons
Note to Falcons management: As soon as you get fed up with Joey Harrington's incompetence (probably by next week), I hear there's another quarterback who used to play for the Jaguars you might be interested in picking up. He couldn't be any worse than what you have right now. LOSS

Titans (+7) over Colts
You can usually count on this divisional rivalry being a tough game. One can only pray that the Colts lose a game well before people once again start talking about "Can Peyton Manning go 16-0?" nonsense. (As for "Can Tom Brady go 16-0?" bring it on.) WIN

49ers (+3) over Rams
I have no factual basis for saying this, but I'll say so anyway: Frank Gore is one of the most underrated players in the league. I actually think the Niners have an outside shot at a weak NFC West. WIN

Packers (E) over Giants
Memo to Eli Manning: if you ever want to hold a candle to older brother Peyton, you're not going to do it by sitting on the bench with an injury. WIN

Steelers (-9.5) over Bills
One NFL commentator called the Bills second-best team in the AFC East. If they're second-best, I'd hate to see third and fourth. WIN

Bengals (-6.5) over Browns
With Charlie Frye becoming persona non grata after two quarters, Browns fans are clamoring for Brady Quinn to get the start in the second game of his NFL career. Why don't we just ask Tim Couch how well that worked out for him? LOSS

Saints (-3.5) over Bucs
Thoroughly overmatched by the Colts last week, I think the Saints will do just fine against a team that doesn't play in the AFC. LOSS

Vikings (+3) over Lions
Just because Detroit managed some late-game heroics against the putrid Oakland Raiders doesn't mean the Lions have escaped the NFL cesspool where they've spent, oh, the last forty years. TIE

Cowboys (-3.5) over Dolphins
Now that Tony Romo has been liberated from the brooding presence of Drew Bledsoe looming over his shoulder, he can finally treat the Cowboys like they're his own team. It really showed last week. WIN

Seahawks (-3) over Cardinals
Contractual obligations require me to say something about what in all likelihood will be a Seahawks blowout in a game they shouldn't even really bother playing. Now that such a prognostication is in print, watch me be completely wrong. LOSS

Ravens (-10) over Jets
I heard the Jets fans cheer last week when Chad Pennington was injured and his backup came into the game. Just want to make sure you guys realize it's Kellen Clemens, not Roger Clemens, right? LOSS

Bears (-12) over Chiefs
Kansas City looked absolutely pathetic in managing a mere field goal against the Texans. At least they'll have Rex Grossman throwing passes to them this week. LOSS

Broncos (-10) over Raiders
Desperation set in for the Raiders this past week as they caved into Jamarcus Russell's exorbitant contract demands. Now, they're paying him the highest rookie salary in history for the privilege of spending the next six weeks trying to learn the system he should have mastered during training camp, by which time the Raiders' season will be beyond hope. (Actually, I imagine it was probably beyond hope about sixteen seconds into their first game.) LOSS

Redskins (+6.5) over Eagles
In light of the Patriots' sign-stealing controversy, several Eagles players claim that the stolen signals were the reason they lost Super Bowl XXXIX. Hmm, I'm going to have to stick with Donovan McNabb blowing chunks on the field and the world's slowest no-huddle offense.

BEST BET: Seahawks (-3) over Cardinals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Jacksonville Jaguars WIN

THE MONKEY: Bucs (+3.5) over Saints WIN