But Is It News?

Last Sunday night, FOX 25 News at 10 here in Boston broadcast a report telling us that half a dozen former American Idol contestants would be releasing albums between now and Christmas. I was very glad to hear that report. Israelis and Lebanese may be blowing themselves to bits, a deadly heat wave may be sweeping through parts of this country, and gasoline prices may be going through the roof and damaging the economy, but rest assured that when I heard that Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, Clay Aiken, and Kellie Pickler will have new music within the next four months, I realized that nothing else was worth worrying about.

How much research did you think the folks at Fox 25 News had to do for that report? I'll tell you: zero. It was a pre-packaged release from Fox network headquarters that they sent out to all their affiliates. I guarantee you that virtually every Fox affliate across the country showed the same report that night. I further guarantee you that virtually no NBC, CBS, or ABC affiliate showed the same report that night. What network airs American Idol? Oh yeah, that's right. Fox.

The lines between news and cross-promotion have become increasingly blurred as networks try to grab every last tenth-of-a-point in the ratings. Do you think it's any accident that CBS, which has a nice fat NFL contract, put no less than three football-centered stories on 60 Minutes last fall. Do you think it was really a coincidence that The Boston Globe, which has an ownership interest in the Boston Red Sox, published a front-page story on travel packages for fans to watch Red Sox road games, complete with website and phone number for bookings? With "stories" like these, is it any wonder that the network news has become so irrelevant?

*OUTofSYNC

I don't know what news is more surprising -- that *NSYNC singer Lance Bass is gay, or that the other four members of the group are straight. Lance's new boyfriend is divorcee Reichen Lehmkuhl, champion of the fourth season of The Amazing Race. There is no truth, however, to the rumor that Reichen's ex-partner Chip was seen canoodling at a beach on Fire Island with Clay Aiken.

Top Five Reality Show Dismissal Lines

1. "You're fired!" (Donald Trump, The Apprentice)
For best results, recite line with requisite cobra-strike hand gesture. Trump actually didn't have a signature tag line thought up when The Apprentice started filming -- he came up with this gem on the spot in the first boardroom.

2. "The tribe has spoken." (Jeff Probst, Survivor)
It's hard to believe that Probst has delivered this line at upwards of 200 tribal councils, keeping a straight face every single time. He's probably the only person on earth who can make something so cheesy sound so serious.

3. "I'm sorry to say you have been eliminated from the race." (Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race)
Phil and his trademark line are so beloved that people recognize him on the street and come up, asking for their own personal "Philimination."

4. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!" (Anne Robinson, The Weakest Link)
The key to this line is the shrill voice and the British accent. I do have to wonder, after watching Robinson and her countrymen Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan, what's in the water that makes British people so bitter?

5. "You're clipped!" (Andy Dick, The Assistant)
What makes this line so wonderful is the snipping sound effect and scissor hand gesture. The Assistant enabled Andy Dick to show America just how incredibly obnoxious he is. This line pretty much encapsulates the entire show.

It's Good To Be King

Ask anyone, anywhere in the world, to name the first fast food restaurant that comes to mind, and I all but guarantee you that they'll say McDonald's. Nobody ever -- ever -- says Burger King. Burger King has amassed a very impressive worldwide fast food empire in its own right, but for all time, it will have to play second fiddle to Mickey D's. Sometimes, though, it may not be such a bad thing.

McDonald's has found itself the target of anti-junk food activists. Between the movie Super Size Me and the book Fast Food Nation and all those people who take advantage of the legal system and try to make a quick buck by disavowing the concept of personal responsibility and suing fast food restaurants for their own obesity, McDonald's has become public enemy number one. Mickey D's has responded by phasing out it's Super Size drinks and fries, citing lack of demand (yeah, right), and introducing salads and grilled chicken sandwiches for more health-conscious customers.

Burger King, likely because of its lower profile, has largely been immune from these assaults. Indeed, BK has taken advantage of McDonald's recent belt-tightening to establish itself as the less healthy alternative. First, BK unveiled the Enormous Omelette Sandwich for breakfast. The press releases were practically boasting about how many grams of fat and calories were inside. Next, BK introduced Chicken Fries, as if the chicken nuggets or french fries weren't bad enough for you on their own. The latest innovation is the BK Stacker. The website describes it as letting the customer "choose from double, triple, or quadruple layers of beef and cheese -- topped with bacon and sauce." That's right: four patties of meat, four slices of cheese, and just in case there's not enough meat, throw on some bacon. Buy ten, get a free angioplasty.

As a faithful McDonald's shareholder since 1993, I have eaten at Burger King just once in the last thirteen years (and then, it was only because I was able to ascertain that NYU contracted some of its food service operations out on a flat-price basis and BK was making no incremental revenue from my purchase). Nonetheless, I give kudos to Burger King for standing up to the health food Nazis, or, more accurately, seizing a market opportunity now that McDonald's has all but conceded its place atop that niche. One of our great American freedoms is the right to eat ourselves to death. Burger King helps us make that happen.

Top Five Most Difficult Types of Reality Show Challenges

1. Endurance
The purest form of this challenge, a Survivor classic, involves placing all the competitors on top of small platforms and telling them that the last one remaining wins. Keeping your balance atop the platform isn't all that difficult as long as you can stay mentally focused, often for hours at a time. When Jeff Probst bribes you with food or certain competitors try to strike a deal with you or attractive female competitors take their clothes off, staying focused becomes a lot more difficult. Big Brother is often good for a couple of these challenges each year. Variations often involve a physical component, such as holding yourself off the ground on a bar or keeping your hands in a certain position or maintaining your balance on the water. A challenge on Dog Eat Dog involved players standing on small platforms atop the pool with a freezing cold indoor rainstorm taking place. The Mole had an interesting twist on this type of challenge, where one player had to spend the night on a bed with the song "Tiny Bubbles" blaring over and over again. If he touched the floor, he lost.

2. Eating
The eating challenges are what put Fear Factor on the map. They started rather tame, in the scheme of things (live cockroaches, sheep eyes, buffalo testicles -- all delicacies in certain parts of the world), but as part of the constant quest to become more and more extreme, the 100th episode featured an entire rat being thrown into a blender. Survivor often has one these challenges each season. Foods consumed included live maggots, cow blood, and balut (fertilized duck eggs). One season even required the survivors' loved ones to eat the foods. Big Brother has been known to throw the houseguests a dinner party consisting of some pretty nasty food. The Amazing Race has thrown up roadblocks that include chowing down on large portions of caviar, organ meats, fried grasshoppers, and an ostrich egg. Even The Joe Schmo Show spoofed the concept by serving the the participants fake disgusting food that was really made out of gelatin. (Matt, the Schmo, was obviously unaware of the joke, and threw a fit when told he would have to eat dog feces.)

3. Needle In A Haystack
The great equalizer in reality show challenges give every person or team, regardless of their physical ability, an equal chance of success, since this challenge is based solely on luck and patience. It is a staple of The Amazing Race, which has required teams to bite into hundreds of chocolates or open up hundreds of nesting dolls or unravel hundreds of haybales in order to find a clue that has been hidden in precious few locations. It can be incredibly frustrating to struggle for hours while team after team comes through and, with a stroke of luck, locates their clue in a matter of minutes. Treasure Hunters often has empty containers mixed in with containers holding artifacts and Survivor occasionally throws empty treasure chests into challenges. The Mole had a rather literal challenge of this type, where players had to comb through a haystack in search of a miniature baseball bat.

4. Digging
It's a variant on the Needle In A Haystack that requires physical endurance in addition to patience. On The Amazing Race, hippie B.J. spent hours trying to dig for a buried bundle of lamb chops in the oppressive Omani sun, while last week's final clue on Treasure Hunters told teams to dig in a certain area for their artifact but provided no further guidance as to where and how deep to dig. The humidity of the Deep South didn't help matters. Survivor often has challenges where the competitors have to dig on the beach, though the area is usually confined and hints in the form of coordinates are regularly provided.

5. Holding Your Breath
Survivor, Dog Eat Dog, and Fear Factor have all featured challenges requiring competitors basically to do their best David Blaine impression and stay underwater as long as they can. The scary part about these challenges is that if you mess up on taking a deep breath or clearing a snorkel pipe when the challenge starts, you can be eliminated in a matter of seconds (just ask Janu). There's just something very unnerving about being underwater, since you know that humans weren't designed to survive down there. While The Amazing Race doesn't usually include breath-holding competitions per se, there have been roadblocks involving underwater swimming in frigid conditions in Moscow and South Korea.

You Snooze You Lose

After over a decade of faithful service, the snooze button on my alarm clock broke the other night. Note that the rest of the alarm clock is fine. It survived ten years of being bashed three to six times every morning, but it finally decided that it was sick of the abuse. My morning routine, naturally, has suffered. My forty-five minute ritual, designed to gradually ease me out of dreamland, is pretty ridiculous when you think about it. It involves the alarm clock, my cell phone alarm, my wristwatch alarm, and the timer function on my television. It's very helpful to me to have multiple alarms, since when I'm woken up, I'm not sure where the sound is coming from, so I need to quickly snap to my senses to figure out which alarm to shut off. I'm usually able to figure it out without too much trouble. But the wonderful thing about a snooze button, as compared to the off button, is that if you press it and don't get out of bed, it'll be back to bother you in another nine minutes. As things stand now, none of my other instruments of arousal (didn't mean it that way, folks!) fight back after I try to shut the off the first time. I unintentionally squeezed out an extra fifty minutes of sleep this morning with the television blaring, because once it turned on, I got used to it. The snooze button on my clock radio, I guess, is my most formidable rival when it comes time to wake up. If it weren't for that snooze button, I would have slept through untold portions of my life over the last ten years. It's amazing what a little piece of plastic can do.

(Yeah, I just did an entire blog posting on how I wake up.)

What's the Big F---ing Deal?

The media is up in arms about a conversation between President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair that took place at the recent G-8 summit, in which live microphones picked up a comment by Bush stating that Hezbollah needed to stop "doing this sh--," and the current conflict in the Middle East would be over.

My question: What's the big f---ing deal? Oooh, major f---ing scandal. The president of the f---ing United States is a motherf---ing potty-mouth. Are we really that f---ing sheltered to think that Bush could never swear? How many of you c---s out there who are sh--ting on the president have never said a f---ing swear in your entire f---ing life? Precious f---ing few, I'm willing to bet, b--ches. Yeah, maybe we should hold President Bush to a higher standard because he's the f---ing leader of the motherf---ing free world. But he's a f---ing human being. He has the hardest f---ing job in the country, so you a--holes need to cut him some f---ing slack, and if some sh-- dribbles out of his mouth from time to time, chalk it up to the stress of the f---ing job. You know what, I'll take a president who can say all the sh-- he wants in private f---ing conversations if it means that he'll be able to tell c--ks--king p---y a--holes like Kim Jong Il to lick his hairy b---sack when they threaten to send nuclear f---ing missles across the ocean. Donkey r--ing sh-- eater! F--- sh-- c--k a-- t--ties b---r b---h m--f p---y c--k b---hole B--bra Str-----d!

Top Five Sports Viewing Experiences

Continuing my sports theme from the past week, today's top five list covers my five personal favorite sports viewing experiences, defined as having taken place somewhere besides the stadium where the event was occurring.

1. Red Sox vs. Cardinals; Game Four, 2004 World Series (Kings, Boston)
I wasn't even planning on going into Boston for this game, but my roommate reminded me that it's not every day (or every year or every decade) that the Red Sox are in a position to win the World Series. So, courtesy of a slick maneuver and a blatant lie to the bouncer, we found ourselves inside this packed-to-capacity bar in the Back Bay (with my old co-workers, but that's another story). After Johnny Damon's lead-off home run, the excitement just kept building and building. When Keith Foulke threw to Doug Mientkiewicz for the final out in the bottom of the ninth, the bar erupted in celebration. Then, as if following some primordial instinct, every bar in Boston emptied and Red Sox Nation converged on Fenway Park to revel in the glory of breaking the curse. It was the first and only time I've ever lost my voice.

2. England vs. Brazil; Quarterfinals, 2002 World Cup (some pub, Shepherd's Bush, London)
What better place to watch the World Cup than in the country that invented The Beautiful Game? My brother and I walked down the street early one English morning looking for a pub that was showing that morning's fixture against the Brazilians. The early hour of kickoff may have led to the English fans being more subdued than I had hoped, but I did not let the 7:30AM start time keep me from enjoying a Guinness for breakfast with my football.

3. Patriots vs. Rams; Super Bowl XXXVI (AEΠ House, Brown University, Providence)
For the first three years I was at Brown, I faithfully attended my fraternity's Super Bowl party, regardless of whose team was playing. Finally, my senior year, it was my turn. With several Rolling Rocks under my belt already, I made an ill-advised (at the time) bet with a brother from St. Louis that if your team were to lose, you would have to wear the other guy's jersey for the next 24 hours. When the Pats jumped out to a quick 14-0 lead, I was thrilled. When the Rams tied things up in the fourth quarter, I got a bit nervous. But once Tom Brady ignored John Madden's advice and drove down the field with a minute left, and once Adam Vinatieri set up from 48 yards back with 0:07 to play, I was euphoric. The improbable victory was celebrated with many high fives, chest thumps, and man hugs.

4. Patriots vs. Jets; Week 16, 2004 NFL Regular Season (Bellagio, Las Vegas)
There is no scene quite like watching sports inside a Las Vegas sportsbook. You are guaranteed to have other people there rooting for your team, even though their motivations might be different. But the fact that half a dozen games are being shown simultaneously, leading to random people cheering or cursing at random times, guarantees an orgy of football on an NFL Sunday afternoon. What made this particular experience so special was that my mom and brother were watching the game with me, all of us decked out in our Patriots attire with drinks in hand.

5. Mike Tyson vs. Kevin McBride; Boxing (Paddy O's, Boston)
Boxing is best enjoyed in a large group, since the collective bloodlust of a large viewing audience makes it much easier to let yourself get caught up in the pugilism. I now understand why the Romans loved their gladiators, because I witnessed the modern equivalent. The entire bar was rooting for McBride (because he's from Boston) and against Tyson (because he's a punk). When Tyson failed to answer the bell for the sixth round, the bar erupted in cheers. And we weren't even there to watch the fight -- there was a band playing afterward.

Japanese Mr. Hanky

All I have to say is that I can't understand how a society that's on the cutting edge of modern technology be so, well, weird. Check it out here.

Thought For The Day

Sometimes, making yourself into a hypocrite can be incredibly liberating.

Top Five Stadiums That Should Host The All-Star Game

on No host sites have been officially named for the All-Star Game past next summer, so I thought I'd give Bud Selig a hand and let him know what's on my short list. Selig likes to hold the All-Star Game in new stadiums, but has shown a willingness to give the game to classic stadiums (e.g. Fenway Park).

1. Angel Stadium
Selig has said that there is a dearth of new stadiums in the American League, but with the renovation of the old Anaheim Stadium, including the installation of Thunder Mountain in left-center field, once Disney purchased the team, it's essentially a brand-new ballpark.

2. Yankee Stadium
Yeah, it's the home of all things evil (A-Rod, the Boss, obnoxious Yankee fans), but Yankee Stadium is truly a cathedral of sport. It's scheduled to be replaced within the next eight to ten years, so why not send it off with one final All-Star Game in such an historic venue.

3. Busch Stadium
There is no other baseball town quite like St. Louis, and the new Busch Stadium has opened to rave reviews. Selig would be wise to bring baseball's signature event to the Gateway City.

4. Kauffman Stadium
It's not new, and Kansas City might not be the most happening place, but Kaufmann's outfield fountains provide as beautiful a backdrop for a baseball game as any other ballpark in the majors, and without the kitsch that seems so prevalent in the new generation of stadiums.

5. PETCO Park
It's basically the Camden Yards of the West Coast, complete with the warehouse in the outfield. Critics have praised how well PETCO Park fits into downtown San Diego as if it had been there for decades. Plus, when is it ever a bad time of year to be in San Diego?

Top Five Reasons Why I Hate The Home Run Derby

1. It gets really old, really quick
Okay, it's fun to see some of the game's top sluggers tee off on batting practice pitchers. But MLB drags the event out for two-plus hours. It's homer after homer after homer. By the end of the 86 homers that were hit Monday night, the most spectacular play in baseball became trite.

2. Only some stadiums really deserve to host the Derby
It was great to see Big Mac knock dingers over the Green Monster in 1999, and it will be wonderful to see the sluggers try to knock the ball into McCovey Cove next year, but did anyone really get excited about seeing Jason Giambi paste Bernie Brewer's left-field dugout in 2002?

3. Many of the best players decline to participate
It is an annual rite of summer for MLB's top home run hitters to figure out some lame excuse why they can't participate in the Derby. Whether it's "I can't enter because it will screw up my swing," or "The knee injury I conveniently predicted I'd come down with last week has actually occurred," no excuse is too weak to keep the likes of Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds, and Manny Ramirez from taking part. I'm thrilled to see David Ortiz take meatball after meatball, but having to sit through Jermaine Dye and Miguel Cabrera doing the same thing puts me to sleep.

4. Chris Berman
I'm generally a Chris Berman fan, but the way he gushes over every single home run grates my nerves. You can only say, "Back, back, back, back, back!" so much before it loses all meaning.

5. The players aren't on steroids anymore
Bobby Abreu's onslaught last year notwithstanding, the Derby is a little less fun when the players aren't injecting themselves with the roids. Nobody in Congress made a stink that steroids were damaging the integrity of the Home Run Derby. I say that for one night only, we should juice the players up and let 'em rip.

Top Five Reasons Why I Love The All-Star Game

1. It's a real game
Unlike its defense-free brethren in the NFL, NBA, and NHL, baseball's All-Star Game is played by regular season rules, employing regular-season strategy. The only difference is the frequent platooning of players, and perhaps more freedom on the basepaths for certain players. But in all other respects, it's just another baseball game, and it's just as likely to end up an 11-9 shootout as it is a 3-2 pitchers' duel. It's even better when your team always wins.

2. The uniforms
Since I was a kid, I always got a kick out of the fact that players wore their regular team uniforms for the game. It does look incongruous when you see it, but that fact of the matter is that in baseball, you don't really need to look for a similarly-colored jersey when you throw to first base -- you know that the guy standing there with the glove is your teammate. So, we leave the "American" and "National" jerseys for batting practice night and let the archaic charm of different uniforms stay in place.

3. It counts
As long as MLB insists that awarding home-field advantage for the World Series to the team with the best regular-season record in somehow infeasible, we might as well give it to someone on the basis of skill rather than a simple rotation. Home-field is a minor enough detail that it won't make or break a World Series, but it is certainly worth trying to get. Ozzie Guillen was absolutely correct when he said that come October, some member of the AL clubhouse will be thrilled that his league won the Midsummer Classic. We just won't know who that person is until much later.

4. I get to see Bud Selig make an ass of himself
Pro sports' most media un-savvy commissioner is front and center during the All-Star Game, which allows the viewing public to see him fall flat on his face time and time again. From the infamous shrug during the 2002 All-Star Game tie to almost tripping over the microphone cord last night when he recognized Roberto Clemente (not to mention walking directly behind Michael Young's interview shot), the All-Star Game is worth watching just to see what foible Bug Selig will display next.

5. For one night, I can root for Yankees
I can't stand Derek Jeter, I especially can't stand A-Rod, and I begrudgingly respect Mariano Rivera. For 364 days of the year, Red Sox and Yankees are rivals. But for one night, it's great to have those guys on your side. Once the AL took the lead in the top of the ninth, it was such a pleasure to see Rivera jog in the bullpen. No offense to Jonathan Papelbon, but there is no player I'd rather see in that exact situation than Rivera.

Boston, World (Cup) Class City

I had the pleasure of watching Sunday's FIFA World Cup final with 15,000 of my closest friends at Hizzonah Mayorthomasmenino's block party on City Hall Plaza. It seemed like a rather simple event to organize. Set up a Jumbotron and speakers, add an annoying pre-game MC, and invite the private sector. The New England Revolution seized on a great opportunity for marketing, setting up their soccer carnival that they feature at home games and organzing an autograph sessions. Various beverage companies also used the event for promotions.

But really, the central event was the game. You didn't need any contrived bells and whistles -- the rowdy Italian fans and the somewhat smaller but equally intense French contingent supplied enough on their own. It was such a wonderful experience to bond with so many other people over a common passion. And it was a common passion we were sharing with a billion other people across the world. Standing on City Hall Plaza (and frying), I really felt like I was part of an amazing global experience. It's the kind of thing that brings people together across ideologies and political boundaries. While it may still be a quadrennial curiosity in many people's minds, it does seem like Americans have recognized that soccer is a legitimate sport, beloved by folks across the globe, and maybe it's okay for us to enjoy it from time to time ourselves.

Kudos to the mayor for throwing such a wonderful community event. During the game, the national telecast cut away to cheering fans in the Circus Maximus in Rome and Parc au Princes in Paris, but they also showed us fans on City Hall Plaza in Boston. Not New York, Boston. The only difference was that we weren't lighting fires.

And for the record, every team whose bandwagon I hopped on went on to be eliminated after their next game. After the U.S. was bumped, I rooted for the Netherlands, then England, then Germany, then Portugal, and finally France. Probably wasn't the best month for me to go gambling either, so I'm thankful that I didn't.

World Cup Stadium Trivia

Name all the stadiums that have hosted both the championship match of the FIFA World Cup and the track and field events of the Olympics. Click on "Comments" for the answer.

Italia, Campioni Del Mondo

Unless you've been living a truly sheltered existence, you know by now that Italy captured the 2006 FIFA World Cup courtesy of a 5-3 penalty kick victory over France after both sides played to a 1-1 draw after regulation and extra time. I found the victory to be a rather unsatisfying one, since I feel like Italy did nothing to earn the championship beyond win a war of attrition. It took a highly questionable last-second penalty kick for the Azzuri to triumph over the Socceroos of Australia. In the quarterfinals, they met a pushover Ukraine team that had no business advancing that far in the tournament. It took a goal with two minutes left in extra time for the Italians to squeak by Germany. And against Les Bleus earlier today, Italy barely mustered any offense in the final 30 minutes of regulation and all of extra time.

But perhaps Italy's victory is a testament to its defense. In 690 minutes of playing time, Italy allowed two goals: an own goal against the U.S. and a penalty kick against France. Goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon was unquestionably the top netminder of this World Cup and defender and captain Fabio Cannavaro has the inside track for the Golden Boot award. Since this World Cup was the lowest-scoring on a per game basis in history, perhaps it should come as no surprise that the team with the best defense ended up as World Cup champions.

Sadly, what this game will be remembered for is French captain Zinedine Zidane's meltdown in the 110th minute. After exchanging words with Marco Matterazi, Zidane inexplicably and inexcusably lowered his head and drilled Matterazi in the chest, knocking him to the ground. The foul occurred away from play and behind the referee, but after conferring with one of his linesmen, the referee properly awarded Zidane a straight red card and sent him off from the final game of his career. Before the incident, I had been pulling for France to win the game, allowing Zidane to go out on top. Indeed, Zidane had chances to be the Man of the Match, converting an early penalty shot with a cocky chip that hit the crossbar, and then nearly put France ahead in extra time, with a head-ball redirection of a cross that Buffon was barely able to knock over the crossbar. But then, Zidane's boneheaded (quite literally) moment of selfishness not only knocked him out of his final game but deprived his teammates of one of their top shooters for the imminent penalty kick tie-breaker.

After all the well-deserved grief that the referees took during the first round and the Round of 16, the officials were on top of their game during the rest of the playoffs. Aside from a questionable penalty kick early in the game (which seemed like a reasonable call in the flow of the game), Argentine referee Horacio Elizondo displayed a level of mastery, letting the players play where they could, disciplining them appropriately when it was truly called for, and utilizing the resources available to him (i.e. linesmen) in order to address misconduct that happened behind his back. While the commentators poked fun at the fact that the officiating crew received medals at the conclusion of the game, the World Cup is a competition for the referees as well, since playoff assignments are awarded on the basis of performance. Elizondo was selected to officiate the final because he was the best referee in the world, and such an accomplishment does warrant recognition.

Red Sox Trivia

There are five members of the Boston Red Sox active roster whose last names are the same as cities and towns in Massachusetts. (In the case of three of them, the spellings are slightly different.) Who are they?

Click on "Comments" below for the answer.

Hint: There is no Papelbon, MA (though after the season he's having, there might be soon)

Here's A Puzzle!

Your mission: Determine what this series of numbers is, and fill in the two blanks.

20 ? 34 24 7 33 ?? 10 11

Click on the "Comments" section for the answer.

America Does Have Talent

Since the parasites over at the television networks have never met a good idea they didn't want to run into the ground, we have been bombarded with a horde of American Idol ripoffs. Most slavishly follow the same set-up: a panel of three judges, one of whom is an acid-tongued Brit, selecting contestants from early rounds before turning the voting over to the American public. However, among the summertime duds of So You Think You Can Dance, Rock Star: Supernova, Master Of Champions, and The One: Making A Music Star, we have a diamond in the rough.

It's actually little surprise that America's Got Talent is the best of the rest, considering that its executive producer is none other than Simon Cowell and its host is Regis Philbin, a man who comes as close as possible to turning everything he touches to gold. Yeah, it borrows its concept heavily from The Gong Show, but hey, if it worked in the 1970's, it can work today, right?

What's great about America's Got Talent is that you never know what's coming next. The acts range from the sublime (Alexis Jordan singing I Have Nothing) to the disturbing (Flippy the Magnificent humping a blow-up doll) to the captivating (11-year-old Taylor Ware yodeling, which is much more amazing than it sounds) to the lame (Sharon Kissane and her bird calls) to the truly bizarre (Leonid the Magnificent and whatever the hell he does). Some people are genuinely talented, which is a pleasure to see. Other people suck, but you have to wonder how long they needed to lay in bed at night to figure out they had such a skill. And everything's different. It's not like the early rounds of Idol, where you see contestant after contestant hack their way through "You Raise Me Up" under the mistaken belief that they're the next Clay Aiken. It's truly amazing to see what different people from across the country can do. Where else could they get their 30 seconds of fame? I'm certainly entertained watching them.

I'm a little late to the the party, as last night's episode, the first I watched diligently, was the final episode before the semifinals, but you can catch up on some of the past action here. I personally recommend watching Taylor Ware yodel over and over again. When I saw her perform last night, my eyes were transfixed to the screen while my jaw went completely slack. What this girl can do with her voice, while keeping the melody and time of a song, captivated an audience of hundreds. It's worth checking out.

Burn Baby Burn

This past week, the Senate fell one vote short of passing a Constitutional amendment banning flag burning. While I'm not surprised it failed, I am shocked that it came oh so close to passing. Such a measure, in my opinion, is utterly devoid of logic and abandons the precepts on which our country was founded in the first place.

Follow me here: If you go to Wal-Mart (every conservative's favorite mass-market big box department store) and purchase swaths of red, white, and blue fabric, you can take them home and do whatever you want with them, including tear it up, set fire to it, or turn it into a piece of post-modernist art by utilizing your animal bodily fluid of choice. But, if you cut the white fabric into stars, sew them onto a blue background in such a way, and attach that blue background to red and white stripes, all of a sudden you have a sacred object that cannot be immolated under penalty of law. I understand why it is illegal to destroy money, since it is technically the property of the federal government, but when is it illegal to destroy your own inanimate private property?

We fought the American Revolution because we wanted the right to criticize the government. And we won that right. Now that new government is turning around and telling us that, well, you can only criticize it in certain ways. Our American soldiers have gone to war to protect many freedoms, including the freedom to tell them that you're completely ungrateful for their efforts. Media whores like Cindy Sheehan proclaim that they'd rather live under dictator Hugo Chavez in Venezuela than under George W. Bush. (Let's see you put your money where your mouth is, Cindy!) It infuriates me to hear that, but I respect her right to do so.

Yes, flag burning is a very pointed form of expression, but what makes it so objectionable that it needs to be outlawed? Surely flag burning is no more provocative than many other forms of protected speech. Certain people, particularly veterans who laid down their lives for this country, might be extremely upset when they see the Stars and Stripes set aflame. But is it something that would naturally and automatically incite violence and therefore be a threat to the public safety? I highly doubt it. Therefore, there is no legitimate reason to ban such a practice. Those who are bothered by flag burning must reluctantly tolerate it as one of the prices we pay to live in a free society.

Shame on the Senate for almost condemning one of our basic freedoms in the name of national unity. Our right to say we hate America is one of the reasons why I love America.

Treasure Hunters Does Boston

Last night's episode of Treasure Hunters featured Boston as the location for the third leg of the competition. I was initially thrilled to see my hometown featured on a reality show, especially considering that they billed it as an exploration of the historical sights of the American Revolution, but I was heavily disappointed in the choice of locales used on the show. It turned into the Boston Massacre. The leg started teams at some random abandoned elementary school in Chelsea, then had them run to some random Colonial house in Portsmouth, N.H. that I didn't know existed and some random Colonial prison in Connecticut that I didn't know existed. After a stop by the Old North Church, the leg concluded at a lighthouse in Boston Harbor that (stop me if you've hear this before) I didn't know existed. One team misinterpreted a clue and started heading toward Lexington, but turned around before they arrived and before camera footage could be shown.

However, the biggest insult was when they showed what they assumed mass-market America would think was the Leonard P. Zakim Bunker Hill Freedom Bridge in downtown Boston. (see above left) Yours truly was not fooled though, easily being able to identify the bridge pictured as the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, S.C. (see below left) Can you tell the difference? For starters, the fact that the Cooper River Bridge is surrounded by estuarial tidelands rather than, um, buildings is a dead giveaway. I'm very disappointed in Treasure Hunters, who not only failed to show much that was interesting in Boston, but failed even to show Boston itself. The Amazing Race wouldn't have made such a mistake. (And speaking of The Amazing Race, how did the the Treasure Hunters teams automatically teleport from Montana to Boston? You mean they didn't have to run around the airport trying to find flights? That's the best part!)

In other news, the Wild Hanlons' complete and total lack of intelligence finally caught up to them, which is a shame, considering that they were the most colorful and entertaining of all the teams. The Air Force team freaked out that everyone was teaming up against them (even though the competition rules explicitly required teams to pair up). The Brown Family continued to be slowed by The Nutty Professor. The Fogal Family found out that he who is without sin should cast the first stone. The Grad Students (i.e. The Bartender Bimbos) withdrew when one of their team members was injured. And the Ex-CIA's continued their best Eric and Jeremy impression by trying to sidle up with the Miss USA's.

Top Five Celebrity Career Meltdown Moments Of The Decade

A celebrity career meltdown moment is defined as an incident, lasting three minutes or less, which instantaneously makes you forget about everything else that particular celebrity had done up in his career up until that point. Since these lists tend to suffer from recent history bias anyway, I've decided to limit it to the the current decade.

1. Tom Cruise Jumps The Couch (2005)
We all knew Tom Cruise was a little bit nuts once he started to espouse Scientology and denounce the use of psychiatric drugs. However, Cruise went off the deep end when he appeared on Oprah and proclaimed his love for new girlfriend Katie Holmes by jumping up and down on her couch. Boy, Nicole Kidman sure picked the right time to call things off.

2. Connie Chung Bids Farewell (2006)
On the final episode of Weekends With Maury and Connie, the co-host did her worst impression of a cabaret singer with an embarassing, poorly-conceived off-key rendition of "Thanks For The Memories." She tried to pass it off by saying it was meant as a self-parody and people who take it too seriously should get a life. I do not begrudge her the right to have fun, but it was nonetheless a train wreck that unfolded in front of the nation's eyes (well, at least the six people who watch MSNBC). Check it out here, and brace yourself.

3. Whitney Houston Tells Diane Sawyer Everything (2002)
In an interview on Primetime Live, Whitney Houston confesses to having used just about every drug on the planet. But when Diane Sawyer suggests that Whitney had used crack, it produced this gem: "First of all, let's get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. Okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack."

And just for the heck of it, "Kiss my ass!"

4. Joe Namath's Drunken Interview With Suzy Kolber (2003)
"I want to kiss you!"

5. Janet Jackson's Wardrobe Malfunction (2004)
In the matter of half a second, Janet Jackson's jewelry-clad right nipple made sure that nobody would ever remember her twenty-year career as a recording artist.

Honorable Mention (2001)
At the height of her mental and physical breakdown from exhaustion, a seemingly-intoxicated Mariah Carey made a bizarre walk-on appearance on MTV's Total Request Live, handing out popsicles to the audience, performing a striptease on stage, and constantly interrupting Carson Daly with rambling nonsense. Watch it here.

If I Could Be Ronaldo

I found myself a wonderful website while trying to procrastinate yesterday. It's called BrazilName, and what you do is enter your first and last names and a number, and it displays a Brazil national team jersey with a nickname it picked out for you. Here's what me and some of my family members and friends and other random celebrities would be called if we were Ronaldo:

Me: Binho/27
My brother Sam: Sinho/11
My mom: Bildo/14
My dad: Irimo/27
My current roommate Alison: Aliseca/30
My future roommate Xeno: Xenakiano/11
My former roommate Jeff: Amstisco/20
My former roommate Jeff's wife Becky (maiden name): Berto/27
My former roommate Jeff's wife Becky (married name): Amstinhosa/27
My friend Gabe: Gabriero/39
My friend Zan: Zaça/26
My friend Troy: Chaldo/16
My friend Dave: Claytundo/06
My mom's dog Sydney: Sydna/1
My brother's girlfriend Alexa: Beca/06
My cousin Wendy: Waldo/13
My cousin Jaime: Kio/06
My cousin Samantha: Goa/6
My high school math teacher Peter Atlas: Petildo/69
President George W. Bush: Georga/43
Former President George H.W. Bush: Bão/41
Former President Bill Clinton: Clintosa/42
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton: Clintardo/08
Senator John McCain: McCaincha/08
Former NYC Mayor Rudy Guiliani: Guilianson/08
Queen Elizabeth II: Elizabiano/80
Britney Spears: Britnisco/24
Paris Hilton: Parito/00
Paul McCartney: McCartna/64
Mary-Kate Olsen: Mary Katandro/1
Ashley Olsen: Olsosa/2
Michael Jordan: Michaa/23
David Ortiz: Davildo/34
Manny Ramirez: Mundo/32
Jason Varitek: Variteca/33
Derek Jeter: Derildo/2
Nomar Garciaparra: Garciaparrinho/5
Larry Bird: Baldo/33
Tom Brady: Brinho/12
Drew Bledsoe: Drosa/11
O.J. Simpson: Simpsiano/32
Claudio Reyna: Reynina Santos/10
David Beckham: Claudio Beckhson/7
Miroslav Klose: Klosa/11
Luis Figo: Figinhosa/7
Ronaldo: Ronaldinhosa/9
Ronaldinho: Ronaldinhico/10
Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink: Vennegoor of Hesseleca da Santos/19

(Apologies to anyone who I forgot, but feel free to enter your own name and number via the comments section.)