Playing The Spread 2K7, Super Bowl XLII

I thought we had put this thing to bed, but it looks like I need to repeat myself one more time: Spygate (and I really resent that term, if only for the complete lack of originality, since the media has slapped the suffix "-gate" on the end of nearly every scandal over the past thirty years) does not tarnish what the Patriots did in the 2007 season, not one bit.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, let me recap. In the first half of the opening game of the season, security personnel, tipped off by the New York Jets, seized a video camera being used by a member of the Patriots staff on the visiting team's sideline. Nobody ever saw that tape before it was seized. And after Roger Goodell imposed his unprecedented penalty, the Patriots did not continue with those shenanigans.

Now, theoretically speaking, there is a possibility that the videotaping activities benefited the Pats in their run to their first three Super Bowls. Accepting that possibility, though, means that you think Roger Goodell is a liar, since he openly stated the confiscated videotapes contained footage from six games, all of which took place since the Pats won their last championship. Yeah, you can point to yesterday's revelation from a former video assistant who claimed to have taped the Rams' pre-Super Bowl walkthrough in 2002, but the timing of the news strikes me as sour grapes.

The shocker of the day is that Senator Arlen Specter is calling for a congressional investigation. Unlike the steroids epidemic in baseball, the Pats' videotapes involved no laws being broken, and no allegations of perjury. It was merely a case of private industry taking action against one of its members who used allowable technological means to make otherwise permissible observations from a forbidden location. There's a war in Iraq and millions of homeless people on the streets, Senator!

If the Pats win tomorrow and cap off the greatest season in professional sports history, not only will it be completely unblemished in my eyes, it will be even more impressive given the target on their back from Week One and the boundless, season-long potential for distractions.

The following pick is for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 1-1
Season To Date: 118-136-12

Giants (+12) over Patriots
Hey Mercury Morris, we're in your neighborhood, we're on your block, and we're coming down your driveway! That doesn't mean I doubt it will be a close game, however. It's been a tale of two seasons for the Pats -- the high-flying aerial acrobatics that dominated the early part of the season have given way to a smashmouth, clutch, do-just-enough-to-win brand of football that has characterized December and the postseason. As much as I'd love to see Tom Brady and Randy Moss put the game away before Tom Petty takes the stage, I'm predicting a back-and-forth nailbiter. WIN

Top Five Exciting Super Bowl Finishes

1. Super Bowl XXV (Giants 20, Bills 19)
With the underdog Giants ahead by one point, the Bills received the ball on their own 10 from a punt with just over two minutes to go. They drove to the Giants' 29-yard-line, and with eight seconds left, Scott Norwood had the opportunity to make a last-second game-winning field goal. The snap went down, the ball went up, but it sailed wide right. With four seconds to go, the Giants took a knee and ran out the clock. The final score is (and always will be) the closest margin of victory in a Super Bowl game.

2. Super Bowl XXXVI (Patriots 20, Rams 17); Super Bowl XXXVIII (Patriots 32, Panthers 29)
We'll package these two games into a single entry. After the Rams tied the game with a touchdown, the Pats took possession with 1:24 to play and no timeouts. Ignoring John Madden's entreaties to take a knee and play for overtime, Tom Brady completed five out of six passes, driving to the Rams' 30. He spiked the ball with :07 to play, setting up Adam Vinatieri for a 48-yard FG which he converted as time expired. Two years, Vinatieri continued his magic, though he only got his chance after a wild, back-and-forth final quarter. After the Panthers went up 22-21, Brady drove the Pats 68 yards, throwing a touchdown to linebacker-cum-tight end Mike Vrabel and following that with a direct snap to Kevin Faulk for the two-point conversion. Carolina responded with a drive of its own, capped off by a game-tying 12-yard pass to Ricky Proehl with 1:08 to play. But an out-of-bounds penalty on the ensuing kickoffs gave the Pats great field position and allowed them to drive to the Panthers' 23, where Vinatieri once again converted the clutch field goal with :04 to go.

3. Super Bowl XXXIV (Rams 23, Titans 16)
Down by a touchdown after a Kurt Warner pass to Isaac Bruce, the Titans took possession at their own 10-yard-line with 1:54 to play. Short completions to Derrick Mason, Frank Wycheck, and Kevin Dyson, plus a couple of fortuitous penalties, put the Titans on the Rams' 10 with six seconds to play and no more timeouts. Steve McNair threw a short dump to Dyson down the middle. Dyson appeared to have a clear path to the end zone, but Rams' linebacker Mike Jones tackled Dyson one yard short of the goal line. The image of Dyson stretching his arm as far as it could go in an futile effort to nail down a final score is what defines this Super Bowl.

4. Super Bowl XXIII (49ers 20, Bengals 16)
A field goal gave the Bengals a 16-13 lead with 3:20 to play and the 49ers found themselves backed up to their own eight-yard-line thanks to a penalty on the kickoff. To relieve some of the pressure from his teammates, Joe Montana huddled them up, then pointed out John Candy in the stands. From that point, Montana completed seven of eight passes, interspersed with two Roger Craig runs and a 10-yard illegal man downfield penalty, as part of a 92-yard drive, eventually finding John Taylor in the end zone from 10 yards out with :34 to play.

5. Super Bowl V (Colts 16, Cowboys 13)
The Blunder Bowl was tied at 13 with less than two minutes to play. The Cowboys had the ball on the Colts' 48 after a punt, but thanks to a rush for a one-yard loss and a 15-yard spot foul holding penalty, the Cowboys were faced with 2nd and 35 from their own 27. Craig Morton then threw a pass to running back Dan Reeves, but the ball passed through is hands and straight to Colts linebacker Mike Curtis, who returned it to the Cowboys' 28. Colts kicker Jim O'Brien strode onto the field to attempt the game-winning FG. O'Brien had an extra point blocked earlier in the game, but this time around, his kick was true and the Colts took their first and only lead of the game with only five seconds remaining.

Top Five Memorable Super Bowl Halftime Shows

Some of the shows on this list were amazing while others were notorious or just plain awful. Before you go accusing me of recent history bias, keep in mind that first twenty or so halftime shows featured either collegiate marching bands or Up With People.

1. U2 (Super Bowl XXXVI)
For the first Super Bowl after 9/11, the NFL invited U2 to play at halftime. Bono and the rest of the Irish rock band played "Beautiful Day," then performed a moving rendition of "Where The Streets Have No Name" as the names of the victims of the 9/11 attacks scrolled across screens erected behind the stage. Oh yeah, it was the first Super Bowl victory of the Patriots dynasty.





2. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake (Super Bowl XXXVIII)
If you don't remember this halftime show, you've been living under a rock. At the conclusion of a duet performance of "Rock My Body," Timberlake grabbed a piece of Jackson's outfit and ripped it off, fleetingly exposing her breast before the lights went black. This three-quarter second glimpse of jewelry-clad nipple sent the American people into a frenzy with Congressional hearings taking place and additional crackdowns by the FCC promised.

3. Michael Jackson (Super Bowl XXVII)
After years of lackluster halftime performances, the NFL decided that if it wanted people to keep from changing the channel during the break, it needed to invite headliners to the big game. And what headliner is bigger than the King of Pop himself? After performing "Billie Jean" and "Black Or White," Jacko was joined on stage by 3,500 children from the Los Angeles area for a rendition of "Heal The World." After the song, he ran around the stage kissing some of the youngest of the kids. Knowing what we now know about Jackson, watching clips of the children making their way to the stage is like watching lambs being led to the slaughter. (Say what you will about Jackson's supposedly-platonic love of children, the man knows how to work a crowd.)



4. Prince (Super Bowl XLI)
The repercussions of Nipplegate led the gun-shy NFL to select "safe" classic rockers to play future halftime shows. After restrained, lukewarm performances by Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones, the NFL chose Prince to perform in Miami during Super Bowl XLI. Evidently, Prince missed the memo that he was supposed to tone things down and play to the over-50's corporate luxury box set. Master of theatrics that he is, Prince brought down the house in an electrifying performance, the highlight of which was his closing number, in which purple floodlights illuminated the raindrops of the first-ever Super Bowl downpour. Prince was therefore quite literally performing "Purple Rain" in purple rain.

5. Elvis Presto (Super Bowl XXIII)
In what was quite possibly the worst halftime show ever, "Be Bop Bamboozled" featured an Elvis impersonator who was also an illusionist (he called himself the Prince of Prestidigitation) singing songs from the 50's (no actual Elvis songs, however), all the while performing magic tricks. If the backup dancers in poodle skirts and the world's largest card trick failed to do it for you, the show also featured the world's first broadcast in 3-D, where viewers who had obtained special glasses from Diet Coke could put them on and see cartoons that popped out of the television during cutaways from Elvis Presto's show. If it's actually possible, the show was even worse than I'm making it sound.

Top Five Super Bowl Miscues

These horrific mistakes or otherwise boneheaded plays will go down in infamy as the worst miscues that the Super Bowl has ever seen.

1. Scott Norwood, Bills (Super Bowl XXV)
The favored Bills were trying to stave off an upset by the New York Giants. Taking the ball at their own 10-yard line with 2:16 remaining, the Bills drove to the Giants' 29, then sent Scott Norwood onto the field with :08 to play to kick what was a very makeable 47-yard FG. Norwood's kick sailed wide right, causing the Bills to lose in what would be the first of their four straight Super Bowl defeats.

2. Garo Yepremian, Dolphins (Super Bowl VII)
With the perfect Dolphins leading the Redskins 14-0, Garo Yepremian strode onto the field in the waning minutes to kick the field goal that would hopefully seal the game. His kick was blocked and the ball bounced back toward him. But instead of just falling on it, Yepremian tried to make something out of the play, picking up the ball and frantically trying to pass it to Larry Czonka. The ball slipped out of Yepremian's hands and straight up into the air when he was trying to throw it. He tried to tip it out of bounds but ended up tipping into the hands of Redskins cornerback Mike Bass who returned it for a touchdown, turning a potential 17-0 game into a 14-7 game. Fortunately for Yepremian, the Dolphins hung on for the win.

3. Leon Lett, Cowboys (Super Bowl XXVII)
This miscue never affected the game, since it took place in the fourth quarter of a blowout, but it ranks on this list for sheer embarrassment value. After the Cowboys forced Bills QB Frank Reich to fumble, the oversized Leon Lett scooped up the ball and trudged toward the end zone. With a clear field in front of him, Lett appeared to be home free. However, he made the foolish mistake of starting to celebrate before he actually reached the end zone, allowing Don Beebe to catch up and swat the ball out of his arms before he crossed the goal line. The ball bounced out the back of the end zone for a touchback, giving possession back to the Bills.

4. Baltimore Colts (Super Bowl V)
The seven turnovers committed by the Colts in the so-called "Blunder Bowl" warrant a team entry on this list. Among the numerous miscues were Ron Gardin's first-quarter fumble of a punt at his own nine-yard line, Jim Duncan's fumble of the kickoff that started the second half, Earl Morrall's end zone interception, and Mike Hinton's fumble on the 10-yard line (of a pass that he caught only by cutting in front of his teammate). Even the Colts' 75-yard touchdown pass in the first half was followed by a blocked PAT. Somehow, despite the seven giveaways and countless other examples of sloppy play, the Colts ended up with the 16-13 victory.

5. Eugene Robinson, Falcons (Super Bowl XXXIII)
This miscue took place the night before the Super Bowl. Hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award for outstanding moral character, Robinson was arrested for soliciting prostitution from an undercover police officer. For some reason, Robinson thought the best way to prepare for the big game was to get a quickie from a $40 hooker. Robinson was released from jail and allowed to play the game, but he was torched by Rod Smith for an 80-yard touchdown reception which set the stage for a runaway Broncos victory.

Top Five Super Bowl Upsets

1. Super Bowl III (Jets 16, Colts 7)
After being dominated by the NFL champion for the first two Super Bowl, the AFL was hoping for a change of fortune. Entering the game as 17-point underdogs, it didn't look like the Jets had much hope. Joe Namath's guarantee of victory was dismissed as a foolish act of desparation. But the Jets held the Colts off the scoreboard for 56 minutes of the game (helped by the fact that Johnny Unitas missed most of the game with a sore arm) and proved that the AFL could run with the big boys. A year and a half later, the leagues would merge.

2. Super Bowl XXXVI (Patriots 20, Rams 17)
In the week leading up to the Super Bowl (already postponed one week due to 9/11) we heard all about the Rams and Kurt Warner and the Greatest Show On Turf. The Pats came in as 14-point dogs and the so-called experts thought the game would be a success if they could hold the Rams under 30 points and just make things respectable. Tom Brady and crew didn't get the message, however. The Pats jumped out to a 14-3 halftime lead thanks to dominating defensive play, then ignored John Madden's advice to kneel down and play for overtime in the final 1:30, driving into field goal range, where Adam Vinatieri sealed the game with a 48-yard kick.

3. Super Bowl XXXII (Broncos 31, Packers 24)
After the Packers won their first Super Bowl since the Vince Lombardi era the year before, people expected Brett Favre to lead the Pack to a repeat championship. The NFC had won 13 straight Super Bowls and looked just as dominant this year, so nobody thought that the 12-point underdog Broncos could snap that streak. In his fourth try, though, John Elway was determined to finally claim a Super Bowl, at one point launching himself into the air and being spun around 180 degrees while trying to claim a first down.

4. Super Bowl IV (Chiefs 23, Vikings 7)
Super Bowl III was the original stunning upset of the NFL champion, but people forget that Super Bowl IV featured a similar upset victory by the AFL representative. The Minnesota Vikings, who had won 12 straight games and had broken the 50-point barrier three times during the season, entered the Super Bowl as 10-point favorites over the Chiefs. But while people expected the Vikings' defensive line, dubbed the Purple People Eaters, to control the game, it was Kansas City's defense that proved unstoppable, coming away with three interceptions and forcing two fumbles while holding Minnesota to 67 rushing yards.

5. Super Bowl XVIII (Raiders 38, Redskins 9)
It wasn't that nobody expected the three-point underdog Raiders to win, it's just that nobody expected their win to be quite so decisive. The Raiders scored touchdowns on offense, defense, and special teams -- all before halftime. Then, Marcus Allen went to town, scoring a touchdown in the third quarter on a 74-yard run, which represented only a fraction of his 191 yards on the day. Washington did manage to reach the end zone in the third quarter on a John Riggins run, only to see the PAT get blocked. Redskins fans coined their team's humiliating defeat as "Black Sunday."

Top Five Super Bowl Dynasties

In order to commemorate Super Bowl XLII (and, let's be honest, the Patriots' inevitable march toward sports immortality) we present a five-day series of Super Bowl-themed top five lists, then will cap off our coverage with a special Saturday edition of Playing The Spread. Enjoy!

1. Steelers (1970's - IX, X, XIII, XIV)
Before he was the butt of Frank Caliendo's jokes on Fox NFL Sunday, Terry Bradshaw was one of the most successful quarterbacks in NFL history. Along with Mean Joe Green and the rest of the Steel Curtain, the Steelers captured four Super Bowl titles in six years -- a feat which has never been equalled.

2. Patriots (2000's - XXXVI, XXXVIII, XXXIX, ???)
When they won their first Super Bowl in 2001, the Pats were a double-digit underdog to the Greatest Show On Turf, yet pulled the upset. Since then, the Pats have been consistent favorites and they have yet to disappoint. If they pull off the victory on Sunday, the Pats will put the finishing touch on the best season of all-time and will further solidify their place among Super Bowl greats.

3. 49ers (1980's - XVI, XIX, XXIII, XXIV)
The postseason was where Joe Montana shined, and with a supporting cast that included dynamic receivers such as Dwight Clark and Jerry Rice, alongside ever-dependable running back Roger Craig, the 49ers were one of the most electrifying postseason teams of the Super Bowl era. Even when legendary head coach Bill Walsh retired, George Seifert filled his shoes and brought the Niners back to the promised land the very next season.

4. Cowboys (1990's - XXVII, XXVIII, XXX)
Dallas's Super Bowl dominance in the 1990's can be summed up in six words: Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin. Led by the Triplets, the Cowboys were able to survive boneheaded plays by their teammates (Leon Lett) and a chaotic coaching situation exarcerbated by megalomaniacal owner Jerry Jones. Of course, Neil O'Donnell throwing the ball straight into Larry Brown's hands, twice, didn't hurt.

5. Packers (1960's - I, II)
The Super Bowl era began at the tail end of the Packers' dominance. Nonetheless, Bart Starr, Vince Lombardi, and the rest of the Packers set an example for the rest of the league to follow by capturing the first two Super Bowls. If the AFL champion started playing the NFL champ beforehand, who knows how many Super Bowls the Packers would have won?

Playing The Spread 2K7, Conference Championships

Peyton Manning sucks.

You may have thought that after last year's stunning 18-point comeback against the Patriots in the AFC Championship, Peyton Manning had finally shook the postseason monkey off his back and could assume a spot among the pantheon of elite quarterbacks of the past forty years.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Once again, in typically spectacular fashion, Peyton Manning and the Colts have flared out of the playoffs prematurely. Two years ago, Manning received a huge gift in the form of a goal-line fumble by the usually sure-handed Jerome Bettis, yet Manning couldn't get his team close enough to the end zone and Mike Vanderjagt shanked a field goal. This time around, San Diego's leader passer, rusher, and receiver were all either lost or hampered due to injuries throughout the game. The Colts were also the beneficiaries of some phantom penalty calls (is there any doubt any more that NFL officiating is rigged in the Colts' favor?) that took points off the board for the Chargers. Yet, the Colts still managed to let some guy named Billy Volek drive the length of the field, and when time was running short, Manning bounced the ball of Dallas Clark's hands and the game was over. (Naturally, it was Clark's fault for not catching it.)

Some Patriots fans say that if their team wins the Super Bowl without going through the Colts, it will be an empty feeling. I say that's hogwash. First of all, you don't choose your opponents. You can only win the Super Bowl by defeating the teams that the NFL puts in your way and you get the same Vince Lombardi Trophy no matter who it is. Did the 2007 World Series really feel like a consolation prize after the Indians knocked off the Yankees? Second, instead of playing the Colts, the Pats will have to play the team that beat the Colts, who, at least theoretically, are better.

I go into each NFL postseason hoping to see two things: Tom Brady hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy and Peyton Manning making his sulky face. We're halfway there.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 1-3
Season To Date: 117-135-12
Final Best Bets: 10-9
Final The Monkey: 10-6-3

Chargers (+14) over Patriots
During the first half of the season, the Pats blew opponents out of the water, making 60-yard passes look routine while running up the score with no quarter. During the second half of the season, the Pats dissected their opponents with surgical precision, making big plays when they needed to while doing just enough to win. The former might be more fun, but the latter is more exciting. WIN

Packers (-7) over Giants
Please, Brett Favre, do everything you possibly can to allow us to experience a Manning-free Super Bowl. LOSS

Playing The Spread 2K7, Divisional Playoffs

Up until the 2000 season, the first two weekends of the NFL postseason featured games at 12:30 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. on both Saturday and Sunday. Then, suddenly, the brains at the TV networks realized both that a 12:30 start time on the East Coast was a 9:30 morning start time in the West and that the vast wasteland of Saturday night primetime TV could become populated by means of a sporting event that people actually want to watch.

Hence, we have the current playoff schedule. I understand the reasoning behind it, but I'm not sure I really like it. It seems like the wait for games to start on Saturday is interminable. Sure, you can spend hours watching the talking heads on the NFL Network, but after getting used to a 1:00 p.m. game on every Sunday during the season, having to wait until 4:30 (not just 4:00) is a major frustration. And the Saturday evening game finishes just before midnight, making for a late night (especially if you want to watch the post-game analysis) followed by another full day of football that requires you to awake at a decent hour.

Well, as Bill Belichick likes to say, it is what it is, so you might as well get used to it.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 1-3
Season To Date: 116-132-12
Best Bets: 10-8
The Monkey: 9-6-3

Seahawks (+7.5) over Packers
Brett Favre announced a desire to continue playing for the Packers and leave perennial benchwarmer Aaron Rodgers with the second sorest buttocks in pro sports, behind only Roger Clemens. LOSS

Patriots (-13.5) over Jaguars
Tom Brady shows off his innermost metrosexual in a series of ads for Glaceau bottled water. Unfortunately, the company couldn't afford to hire both Brady and the baby goat. LOSS

Colts (-9.5) over Chargers
San Diego has been Indianapolis' achilles heel over the past few years. Antonio Cromartie is licking his chops at the chance to face off against Peyton Manning. And how great would it be if both Mannings choke in the postseason on the same day? LOSS

Giants (+7.5) over Cowboys
Tony invites his new girlfriend Jessica to a game for the first time, but the blond beauty's presence serves as a distraction to Tony's team, which collapses against an inferior opponent. Tony's teammate Terrell tells him not to bring Jessica around anymore. Meanwhile, Michael, who plays for a rival team, announces that he'd love to date Jessica if Tony isn't interested in her anymore. No, it's not Friday Night Lights -- it's the NFL. WIN

BEST BETS: Patriots (-13.5) over Jaguars LOSS

THE MONKEY: Chargers (+9.5) over Colts WIN

Playing The Spread 2K7, Wild Card Weekend

Now that the regular season is over, we arrive at that peculiar part of the season where teams with strong records hit the road to face off against teams with lesser records who happen to play in division with weak teams. It doesn't quite seem fair.

In college sports, roughly two-thirds of a given team's schedule is played against conference opponents. The team's conference record is tabulated and reported separately. Conference champions are named based only on how those teams did in conference play. When it comes to seeding teams for the NCAA playoffs, conference champions qualify automatically but receive no special placement (or even a guarantee of a home game, where applicable) because of their championship. Teams' overall record (along with strength of schedule) determines where they sit in the NCAA brackets.

So, it seems really odd to give NFL division champions a home game, yet base that designation on their sixteen-game record, not just how they did against the three teams in their particular division. And furthermore, these divisions are artificial constructs. Unlike the Big Ten, SEC, and their brethren, NFL divisions are nothing more than eight quasi-regional groupings of 32 roughly equal teams. Divisions lack the same personalities or traditions of collegiate conferences.

Furthermore, with only four teams per division, one of whom is guaranteed a home game, there is a significant risk that a team will get a home game simply by being a mediocre team that was grouped in. It's bad enough that the divisional structure allows an 8-8 team to make the postseason when a 10-6 team can theoretically be left out, but it's worse that the 8-8 team would get a home game while the 11-5 wild card team would have to hit the road.

As a result, the Giants must travel to Tampa this weekend as punishment for being placed in the same division as the Dallas Cowboys, while the Bucs are rewarded simply because they had a better season than the Falcons, Saints, and Panthers. It really doesn't matter how the Bucs did in relation to the other 28 teams and I think that's wrong.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-10-1
Season To Date: 115-129-12
Best Bets: 10-7
Final Eliminator: 14-3 (Streak: W 5)
The Monkey: 8-6-3

Redskins (+3) over Seahawks
While the Skins have been riding late-season momentum and seem downright invincible at this point, the Seahawks probably wouldn't have even made the playoffs if they were an AFC team. If Sean Taylor's murder couldn't keep the Skins down, the Seahawks sure won't be able to do so. LOSS

Jaguars (-3) over Steelers
Don't we already know how this game turns out? Of course, with several key injuries to the Steelers, it won't be nearly as close as it was two weeks ago. LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Giants
Every team that gave the Patriots a run for their money this year (all of which, need I point out, were unsuccessful) has found itself on the tail end of the game they played the next week. It happened to the Ravens, Eagles, and Jets, so I have to imagine the same fate will befall the Giants on Sunday. LOSS

Chargers (-10.5) over Titans
If the Titans could only manage a six-point win against Jim Sorgi and the Colts backups (particularly when their failure to call a last-minute time-out showed exactly how much they cared about that game), they don't have a prayer against the Chargers' starters. WIN

BEST BET: Jaguars (-3) over Steelers LOSS

THE MONKEY: Giants (+3) over Bucs WIN

Every Bowl For Itself

As we are currently in the prime of college football bowl season, I take this opportunity to highlight a major difference between football's and basketball's respective postseasons.

I speak not of the fact that there are 63 less college football teams that are eligible for the national championship three weeks before it is decided. Rather, I take note that college bowls are all more or less independent entities with their own self-interested motivations whereas March Madness is one unified, coherent tournament with no competition.

What should be the goal of a postseason? To reward the best teams? To formulate the most interesting matchups? To sell the most tickets? To maintain an enjoyable tradition? Different bowls pursue different objectives. The Rose Bowl slavishly insists on matching up the best available teams from the Big Ten and Pac-10, even if will inevitably result in a one-sided blowout. Boston College, despite enjoying a top ten ranking for half the season, was relegated to the Champs Sports Bowl largely because people in the Northeast are unaware that college football exists, making bowl games reluctant to invite a team whose fans (or lack thereof) will leave a stadium half-empty.

In a classic example of game theory, each individual bowl is concerned only with making its own game as successful (however they choose to define it) as possible. Individual bowls care little about ensuring the postseason as a whole is entertaining. No bowl wants to take one for the team when those other bowls aren't about to share their gate receipts.

When it comes to March Madness however, the NCAA takes the 31 automatic qualifiers and the 34 best-qualified non-champions, puts them in a bracket, and allows mayhem to ensue. Good games are inevitable -- you just never quite know where they'll spring up. Fans will, by and large, fill the seats, ensuring a healthy bottom line. And as for tradition? The line of succession that includes Valparaiso, Gonzaga, Butler, and George Mason is one of the greatest traditions in sports.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 17

This is it -- the game that all of us here in the New England area had hoped would transpire back in early October, well before the Red Sox won the World Series. When the Pats started their season by scoring 38 points in the first three games, with Tom Brady throwing touchdowns to Randy Moss at will, with even supposed contenders like the Chargers and the Cowboys falling by the wayside, Patriots fans fantasized about a perfect season, one that would shut the 1972 Dolphins up for good.

Now, it's here. The Pats are on the cusp of a perfect regular season. All it will take is 60 minutes of halfway-decent football against a team that has nothing to play for and shouldn't have its starters on the field after the ten-minute mark of the second quarter. After Bill Belichick was fined for having perfectly legitimate footage of defensive signals shot from an improper location, the Pats became fired up and have unleashed their aggression on any poor opponent who, through the vagaries of the NFL schedule, is forced to stand in their way. Whether you love them or hate them, you need to respect them.

It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to win sixteen straight games in the NFL. Major League Baseball has some team with that kind of winning streak just about every season. Heck, the Boston Celtics had an eighteen-game streak last year. (Granted, it was a losing streak, which is arguably easier to pull off than a winning streak, but still....) In the NFL, however, parity reigns supreme. Strict salary caps, unbalanced schedules, and the copycat nature of the league make it very difficult for any one team to dominate its competitors. As a result, the Pats' perfection is an even greater accomplishment.

The rest of the country will be watching this game and hoping that the Pats go down, feeling that the Boston area has gotten more than its share of sports karma over the past seven years. I stick my tongue out at them. They should have done a better job picking a team to follow.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-11
Season To Date: 110-119-11
Best Bets: 10-6
Eliminator: 13-3 (Streak: W 4)
The Monkey: 8-6-2

Patriots (-13.5) over Giants
The only downside to going 16-0 is that the milestone is absolutely meaningless unless the Pats win the Super Bowl. For now, let's just enjoy it. LOSS

Bengals (-3) over Dolphins
The only downside to almost going 0-16 is that the milestone is accompanied by the obligation to pay top dollar for an unproven, uncertain college junior in next spring's draft. WIN

Bills (+7.5) over Eagles
You can pencil the Bills in for a playoff berth next year, assuming they don't move to Canada in the meanwhile. LOSS

Seahawks (+1) over Falcons
I wonder whether they get the NFL Network at the Northern Neck Regional Jail in Warsaw, Virginia. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, since on Saturday night, Michael Vick will be able to see how a quarterback who doesn't have a dog-strangling hobby is capable of playing. LOSS

Saints (-2) over Bears
When the powers-that-be put the schedule together, they anticipated that this rematch of last year's NFC Championship would be a preview of a potential playoff matchup. Oops. LOSS

Bucs (+3) over Panthers
You know those touch football games you used to play in the backyard, where you'd switch off who played quarterback each series while everyone else went out for a pass? Well, the Panthers might be best off resorting to such a strategy for the final game of the season. LOSS

Browns (-10) over 49ers
Cleveland is in the unusual position where their playoff berth is completely out of their control. Whether the Browns win or lose, the final AFC wild card spot will be determined by the Tennessee-Indianapolis game. So, do you play hard or do you mail it in? Romeo Crennel is a Bill Belichick disciple, which means he is mentally incapable of resting his starters. WIN

Packers (-4) over Lions
If the Lions were a college football team, the 8-8 record they'd secure with a win this week would qualify them for a spot in the ThirdRateAutoInsuranceCompany.com Bowl to be played January 21st in Little Rock, Arkansas. Thanks goodness for the NFL! WIN

Jaguars (+6.5) over Texans
The fact that all but two playoff berths have been sown up means that Week 17 features such oddities as the fourth-best team in football being one-touchdown underdogs to a divisional rival with a sub-.500 record. LOSS

Chargers (-8) over Raiders
Lane Kiffin has one last chance to impress Al Davis before he must go before his boss and grovel to keep his job for another year. WIN

Jets (-6.5) over Chiefs
If it weren't for the new flex scheduling arrangement, this stinker would be the final Sunday Night Football game of the year. LOSS

Cardinals (-6) over Rams
Another year, another Week 17 game for the Cardinals with no possibility of making the playoffs. WIN

Cowboys (+9) over Redskins
Out goes Terrell Owens, in comes Terry Glenn. At least Bill Parcells never questioned T.O.'s masculinity. LOSS

Vikings (-3) over Broncos
If the Vikings end up missing out on the playoffs, they have nobody to blame but themselves. When you get slaughtered by the team that's breathing down your neck, you don't deserve to be playing in January. LOSS

Steelers (-3.5) over Ravens
The only good news for the Ravens is that their 2007 losing streak will come to an end this Sunday, one way or the other. LOSS

Titans (-6) over Colts
No team lies down and plays dead in Week 17 like the Colts. They seem all too happy to hand this game, and the resulting wild card spot, to the division rival Titans. TIE

BEST BET: Vikings (-3) over Broncos LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Tennessee Titans WIN

THE MONKEY: Bengals (-3) over Dolphins WIN

Bowl Game Stadium Trivia

1. Which current bowl game has been played under the greatest number of names?

2. Which stadiums currently host more than one annual bowl game (not including the BCS title game)?

3. What was the last bowl game that matched up two teams from what was then Division I-AA? Which two conferences were represented?

4. Of the current bowl game venues, which one is the northernmost? Southernmost? Easternmost? Westernmost?

5. Why was there no Orange Bowl game played in 1997?

6. Which current bowl venue has the greatest capacity? The smallest capacity?

7. Which bowl game is played in a Major League Baseball stadium?

8. Before the International Bowl, what was the last bowl game played outside the United States?

9. Which non-BCS bowl has the largest payout? Which has the smallest payout?

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 16

Earlier this week, the NFL announced the list of players selected to be able to blow off the 2008 Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Tuesday Morning Quarterback -- ESPN's in-house spewer of fire-and-brimstone rhetoric -- always takes this opportunity to denounce the NFL for naming its all-star teams with two weeks left to play. Whether or not TMQ has a point, consider that the other three major sports leagues select their all-star teams after only half a season has elapsed. Those players who do nothing through June then turn it for the season's second half after some unknown kick in the pants (or, in the case of Roger Clemens in 1997, some unknown shot in the butt), are out of luck.


Besides, the accolade of being selected is far more important than actually playing in the game. A long season is over and road-weary players just want to spend time with their families. With the exception of the two Super Bowl teams, everyone else hung up their pads a minimum of three weeks before the season-ending exhibition. Did I mention that with all the rules the NFL imposes to prevent injuries, the game itself an absolute joke? The Pro Bowl is such a loser that the NFL now requires TV networks to cover it as a condition of broadcasting the Super Bowl.

As for Fred Taylor, Mario Williams, and everyone else who was snubbed, first ask yourself if you really want to go to this game anyway, and second, take solace in the fact that half the starters will drop out for various reasons over the next month and a half, opening a space for you after all. The night before last year's game, they were looking for any live body who could catch a flight to Hawaii in order to fill out the rosters.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 105-108-11
Best Bets: 10-5
Eliminator: 12-3 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 8-5-2

Steelers (-7.5) over Rams
This one will be long, so bear with me. When my little brother was growing up, he used to go to hebrew school with this kid named Aaron Bass (who, for some inexplicable reason, we always called Evan Bass). This kid was a whiny brat and a total social misfit. When my brother went over to his house for the first (and last) time, Aaron Bass threw building blocks at him. Anyway, one year, my brother has this recurring case of strep throat. We tried to figure out where he got it from and eventually came to the conclusion that he caught it from Aaron Bass three or four times in the span of as many weeks. Fast forward to last Thursday night: I turned on the NFL Network to watch the Broncos-Texans game, and after a few minutes, I realized that I wasn't irritated by the play-by-play like I usually am. It turned out that Bryant Gumbel was scratched from the broadcast with a case of strep throat. I could actually enjoy listening to the game with substitute commentator Tom Hammond in the booth. So, if I could, I'd love to send Aaron Bass over the Gumbel household before this week's game as well. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Panthers
Dallas fans have obtained a restraining order requiring Jessica Simpson to stay no less than five miles away from wherever the Cowboys are playing. LOSS

Jaguars (-13) over Raiders
The fact that not a single player from the Jacksonville Jaguars -- the fifth-best team in the NFL right now -- was named to the Pro Bowl is disgraceful. WIN

Chiefs (+4.5) over Lions
If I could be paid millions of dollars to come up with the same lack of results as Matt Millen, I would be living a dream. LOSS

Colts (-7) over Texans
When you think about it, the fact that a team could go 14-2 and yet is mathematically eliminated from the number one seed with two games left to play is unbelievable. WIN

Saints (-3) over Eagles
Brian Westbrook's game-sealing laydown left Chad Johnson to wonder why he can't garner similar anounts of praise for not scoring touchdowns. LOSS

Bills (+3) over Giants
His lackluster performance in last week's crucial division game demonstrates that Eli Manning plays the Peyton Manning role perfectly. LOSS

Packers (-8.5) over Bears
I'd like everyone who was clamoring for the Aaron Rodgers era to start near the end of last season to raise their hands. Anyone? Anyone? Not so high and mighty anymore now, are we? LOSS

Browns (-3) over Bengals
Unlike the Jets, the Browns managed to fill their head coaching job with a former Patriots defensive coordinator who's actually capable of winning games. LOSS

Cardinals (-10) over Falcons
Memo to those boneheads on the Falcons with the t-shirts last week: You can break out your "Free Mumia" gear, since it's arguable that he never got a fair trial. (Though that was so 1999.) But Michael Vick voluntarily pled guilty to dogfighting charges knowing that the offense carried a statutory maximum penalty of five years. For you to suggest that there was some miscarriage of justice in Vick's case trivializes the plight of those people who actually are screwed over by the system. LOSS

Bucs (-6) over 49ers
Since the Pats own San Francisco's draft pick, it might behoove Bill Belichick to supply the Bucs with some special footage of the Niners' defensive signals, if you know what I mean. LOSS

Jets (+8.5) over Titans
When they print the NFL standings, the New York Post puts an asterisk next to the Patriots with the notation "caught cheating." They should also put an asterisk next to the Jets with the notation "caught sucking." WIN

Seahawks (E) over Ravens
When someone else avoids the moniker of "Worst Team Ever" by beating you, it clearly is not your year. WIN

Patriots (-22) over Dolphins
While I really wanted to see a 14-0 team play an 0-14 team, the Dolphins' win last week means they have absolutely nothing else to play for. LOSS

Vikings (-6.5) over Redskins
Sean Taylor was posthumously elected a starter for the Pro Bowl, barely edging out Mel Carnahan and Patsy Mink for the slot. LOSS

Broncos (+8.5) over Chargers
Denver's completely unpredictable season continues, though last week I managed to correctly predict a game of theirs for only the second time since Week Four. LOSS

BEST BET: Browns (-3) over Bengals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Arizona Cardinals WIN

THE MONKEY: Cardinals (-10) over Falcons LOSS

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 15

Anyone who regularly watches football games has seen this scenario: offensive team stands milling around, waiting for a play call to come in from the sidelines. Eventually, with about fifteen seconds left on the play clock, the team huddles up hurriedly. Then, with five second left, the players themselves at the line of scrimmage. The quarterback sees something he doesn't like in the defensive formation and calls up and down the line, checking off the planned play for an audible. But, he doesn't have enough time to make sure everyone gets the message, and with the play clock about to hit zero, he pulls out from under center and calls a time out.

Popular wisdom seems to dictate that the quarterback call a timeout in this situation, but I want to challenge this convention. Teams only receive three timeouts per half, so naturally, they should use them only when necessary, such as to stop the clock in the final two minutes or to reset their defense if they're not ready for a play or to challenge a call.

Saving yourself a five-yard penalty near midfield early in a game doesn't seem to carry the same import. Teams regularly absorb ten-yard holding penalties or sacks of eight to twelve yards yet still manage to convert for the first down. Sure, a five-yard setback never helps your cause (unless you're Russ Hochstein and the Patriots), but as far as penalties go, it's pretty minimal.

Next time a quarterback realizes he won't be able to get a play off on time, I'd love to see him just step back, leave his arms at his side, and let the officials throw a flag. Five yards isn't worth a timeout. Consider the five yards to be the cost of being able to stop the clock at will down the stretch.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 10-6
Season To Date: 98-99-11
Best Bets: 9-5
Eliminator: 11-3 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 7-5-2

Texans (-1) over Broncos
Somehow, I doubt that Comcast will be besieged by phone calls from people complaining about being unable to watch games on the NFL Network this week. WIN

Bengals (-8) over 69ers
I'm going to start referring to San Francisco as the 69ers -- because they suck. LOSS

Jets (+23.5) over Patriots
I can't remember the last time that the spread and the over/under were basically the same number. The only thing that might keep this game respectable is the nor'easter that's scheduled to arrive in town Sunday afternoon. WIN

Falcons (+13.5) over Bucs
Between Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino, the Falcons lost two major fixtures in less than 48 hours. At least players can go visit Bobby Petrino without submitting to a strip search and body cavity check. LOSS

Titans (-4) over Chiefs
You're not going to get far in this league if you led a team that's been dead to rights for the first 52 minutes of a game rally for 20 straight points and an overtime victory. WIN

Seahawks (-7.5) over Panthers
Carolina asked the NFL for permission to use its 2008 first round pick early, just to get a semi-competent live body behind center. LOSS

Packers (-10) over Rams
Brett Favre's injury ended up lasting about as long as his last three retirements. The streak is alive! WIN

Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens
When you look back and realize what Nick Saban was running away from, he doesn't seem like quite the weasel. Most people would have done the same thing. WIN

Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals
With a chance to make the playoffs if they could pull off a late-season run, the Cards predictably wilted under the pressure. WIN

Jaguars (+3.5) over Steelers
Something tells me that the Steelers won't be letting Anthony Smith make any more motivational speeches this year. WIN

Bills (+5.5) over Browns
Of the thirteen games the Browns have played this year, ten have been decided by ten points or less, four have come down to a field goal, and two have gone to overtime. In a related story, pacemaker retailers in the Cleveland metropolitan area are reporting record sales. LOSS

Colts (-10.5) over Raiders
Indy has second place in the AFC all locked up, so they might as well give their starters a rest so that they're nice and rusty by the time they meet the Pats in the playoffs. LOSS

Lions (+10) over Chargers
Jon Kitna's early-season guarantee that his team would win ten games now looks about as accurate as, well, Anthony Smith's promise last week. LOSS

Cowboys (-10.5) over Eagles
Good teams win blowouts. Great teams manage to dig themselves out of holes when it looks like all hope is lost. (Of course, inept play-calling by the opponent never hurts.) LOSS

Giants (-4.5) over Redskins
Eli Manning is unstoppable... unless, of course, it's the first, second, or third quarter of a professional football game. LOSS

Vikings (-10) over Bears
Rex Grossman says he'd love to come back to the Bears if they want him. Of course, that's the same thing Brian Dunkleman said after the first season of American Idol. LOSS

BEST BET: Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Indianapolis Colts WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens WIN

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 14

Loyal readers of this column know how I am a decided proponent of the instant replay system. With only sixteen games in a season, every single call has the potential to decide a team's season. However, the system is not quite perfect.

The largest gripe I have is that outside of the two minute warning, coaches have the responsibility to challenge calls on their own. The guy sitting up in the replay booth can hang out and eat overpriced hot dogs for 56 minutes and watch the game each Sunday, all on the NFL's dime, before he actually has to do something. I understand how coaches would sometimes want to insist that the officials take another look at a crucial call, but coaches have 45 players to look after already. They don't need to supervise seven officials as well.

The idea of limiting the number of challenges and assessing a time out for challenges that are upheld makes sense as a measure to keep games from getting out of hand, but I don't see quite what time outs have to do with challenges. In other words, why should a team be barred from challenging a play, even if they have a challenge remaining, just because they had already spent time outs in strategically appropriate situations earlier in the half? Forcing a team to keep a time out in reserve just in case they need to overturn a clearly erroneous call by an official seems to be a forced misplacement of priorities. I propose that if a team is out of time outs, the officials should still allow rightful challenges subject to the caveat that if unsuccessful, the team should be punished with a five-yard (or ten-yard) penalty.

Both of these problems would be solved by adopting the NCAA model. In the NCAA, while coaches have a certain number of challenges, a replay official can initiate a review, sua sponte, at any time. It is true that college football replays are conducted in the booth and that the referee need not duck under the hood to watch the play himself, which ostensibly speeds things up, but in the NFL, it is more important to get the calls right rather than make them quickly. Besides, replay officials will probably initiate reviews on plays that coaches would have challenged anyway. And if replay officials can call for challenges themselves, teams without timeouts (or challenges) remaining would no longer be helpless.

Further, the challenge system breeds this ridiculous ritual where offensive teams that benefit from a questionable call rush up to the line and try to snap the ball before the challenge flag comes flying. One astute commentator pointed out that a mad dash to snap the ball is an indication in and of itself that you should be throwing the flag. However, unless we want to engage in perverse exercises of revisionist history by winding back the clock two minutes to reverse a call on the previous drive, the one-play statute of limitations on replay is a necessary evil.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 88-93-11
Best Bets: 8-5
Eliminator: 10-3 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 6-5-2

Redskins (-3) over Bears
After last week's ill-fated illegal time out call, Joe Gibbs got a call from Chris Webber assuring him that everything would work out just fine. WIN

Bills (-7) over Dolphins
While Nick Buoniconti and company need to keep the champagne corks unpopped for at least another week, the 1976 Buccaneers are anxiously awaiting their opportunity to open up their bottles of Colt 45 once (if?) the Dolphins finally win a game. WIN

Rams (+6) over Bengals
The Rams are 3-1 since their bye week and are currently petitioning the NFL to retroactively extend the preseason from four to twelve games. LOSS

Jaguars (-10.5) over Panthers
David Garrard is unquestionably the most underrated quarterback in the league. Meanwhile, Vinny Testaverde is counting down the games until he can take out social security. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Lions
Usually the Lions don't even bother waiting until November to go into their annual nose dive. Which raises the question once again: how is Matt Millen still employed? LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Texans
Luke McCown might be just as good at rallying the team to an exciting victory, but Jeff Garcia still has the hotter wife. LOSS

Raiders (+10) over Packers
Packers fans have seen the post-Favre future, and it ain't pretty. Here's hoping the NFL's ironman takes whatever pain-killers he needs (and even some that he doesn't) in order to play in Sunday's game. LOSS

Chargers (E) over Titans
Tennessee is a team I really respect and every time they take the field, I hope they win. Too bad it takes more than my individual hope to overcome flat play. WIN

Giants (+3) over Eagles
Donovan McNabb wants to return to the field from injury this week. He wants to go head-to-head with Eli Manning to see who can choke up this game worse. WIN

Vikings (-9) over 49ers
At the end of September (i.e. before the Lions started playing like the Lions), we all figured that two teams from the NFC North would make the playoffs. We just didn't think it would be the Vikings. WIN

Seahawks (-7) over Cardinals
If the NFL were a English soccer-style league with promotion and relegation at the end of each season, then the Arizona Cardinals would be Tottenham Hotspur -- while they come up with enough wins each year to stave off demotion, they're never really in contention for the top prize. WIN

Chiefs (+6.5) over Broncos
Once again, I have proven myself completely inept at picking any game involving the Broncos. So, I've decided to just guess. LOSS

Browns (-3) over Jets
The Jets might want to send Isiah Thomas and the Knicks a special thank-you present this Christmas season, since without the Knicks, the Jets would be the biggest sports laughing-stock in New York City. WIN

Steelers (+10.5) over Patriots
You know your team is truly charmed when they get six downs to make a conversion where all other teams only get four. LOSS

Colts (-9) over Ravens
Baltimore fans are planning to take revenge on the Colts franchise for what happened in 1984 by blockading the stadium after Sunday night's game and preventing the Colts from skipping town yet again. WIN

Saints (-4) over Falcons
After that 3-0 Pittsburgh game and that 24-0 walkover by the Seahawks over the 49ers and then this snoozer, ESPN should be barging down the door of the NFL offices demanding a renegotiation of their contract. WIN

BEST BET: Giants (+3) over Eagles WIN
ELIMINATOR: Buffalo Bills WIN

THE MONKEY: Vikings (-9) over 49ers WIN

Overtime Insanity

After the #1 team in the country lost to Arkansas last week, some brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not brilliant) sportswriter opined that LSU is not worthy of a spot in the BCS title game after giving up 50 points to an unranked team. What the myopic scribe failed to mention in that lede was that 22 of the 50 points were given up in a three-round overtime procedure where even the most mediocre of teams can't help but score.

After sixty minutes of playing football on a hundred-yard field, the field suddenly shrinks to 25 yards for overtime. The winner of the game is determined not by which team is better but my which team's red zone offense is better. Punters can take the rest of the night off, kickers rarely have to try field goals more than forty yards in length, any sort of field position strategy is nullified, and teams no longer need to decide whether they want to concede a short play to cover deep in case of a long bomb. An interesting consequence is that players can use any illegal means necessary to stop the defense from returning an interception for a touchdown since the other team will start anew at the 25-yard-line anyway.

So, by distilling games down to just this one element, we end up with distorted scores and statistics (yep, they all count the same as in regulation) and less consequence that the best team won. I guess the equivalent would be starting extra innings in baseball with three men on, or deciding hockey games by one-on-one penalty shootouts (oh, wait....). Unlike overtime in the NFL, each team is indeed guaranteed a possession, but only at the expense of three-quarters of the field.

And yet, I love it. The fan in me, the one who craves excitement and suspense and the knowledge that any one play can decide a game, relishes the thought of overtime and prays that a kicker will miss his last-second 29-yard chip shot with a tie score so that I can see this wonderful, well, gimmick. He strangles the purist in me who tries to convince him that this gimmick is a perversion of the game and an unfair (at least incomplete) method to determine a winner. Maybe guaranteed excitement and non-stop offense is reason enough to justify college football overtime.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 13

The NFL community was shocked on Monday when news broke that Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor was shot in the leg by an intruder while relaxing in his Miami-area home. Early signs suggested that Taylor was aware of his surroundings and on the path to recovery, but in the end, the excessive blood loss proved too much for Taylor to handle and he passed away at the age of 24.

It seems like just yesterday (in fact, it was less than a year ago) that we mourned the tragic death of Darrent Williams, the second-year cornerback for the Denver Broncos who was slain in a drive-by shooting during the wee hours of New Year's Day. Then, in May, Patriots defensive end Marquise Hill drowned while jet skiing in his home state of Louisiana.

The NFL has experienced much grief over the past year. One would hope the fact that three promising young players died in the span of eleven months is merely a coincidence. After all, police still don't have a motive in the Williams slaying and don't believe that Williams was even the intended target of the shots. And when it comes to Taylor, police currently believe that the attack was a robbery gone bad, not a calculated act of gang-land blood vengeance. Taylor just happened to be the wrong person who was in his fancy house when it was invaded at the wrong time.

Football fans hope that their favorite players realize how lucky they are to be paid millions of dollars for playing a schoolyard game. Fans hope that players take care of themselves and not subject themselves to unnecessary risks and not associate with the wrong characters. Yeah, maybe Hill made a fatal mistake by not opting to wear a life jacket, but what did Williams do wrong? Party with a bunch of friends? Hire a limo so he wouldn't have to drive after drinking that night? Maybe Taylor's assumedly luxurious home was a target to robbers, but can you really fault a multi-millionaire for wanting to live somewhere nice?

We all wish we had more answers and I wish I could give them to you.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 6-10
Season To Date: 81-84-11
Best Bets: 7-5
Eliminator: 9-3 (Streak: L 1)
The Monkey: 5-5-2

Cowboys (-7) over Packers
The Thursday night matchup features the third Game of the Century played this season. Too bad fans (at least those who can even get the game) will have to listen to the insufferable Bryant Gumbel provide such gems as, "it would behoove the Falcons to get a first down here." WIN

Jets (+1) over Dolphins
Ricky Williams' season is over thanks to a tear of his chest muscle. He wanted to keep on playing but the NFL denied his request for permission to use medical marijuana. WIN

Vikings (-3.5) over Lions
I could make relentless fun of Jon Kitna for predictably choking just when his team looked like they were for real, but that wouldn't be the Christian thing to do. Thank goodness I'm a Jew. WIN

Seahawks (+3) over Eagles
The Eagles are rewarding A.J. Feeley for nearly pulling off the biggest upset of the season by letting Donovan McNabb have his job back if he's healthy. Sucks to be a white quarterback, huh? WIN

Titans (-4) over Texans
My early-season "sexy pick" to make the playoffs has faltered. Fortunately, they managed to get their hands on the footage shot last week by Chad Johnson hoping that it will give them the edge they need to prevail over the Titans. WIN

Colts (-7) over Jaguars
How good can a wide receiver really be if the first four letters of his name are "crap"? LOSS

Redskins (-5.5) over Bills
My intended joke about the Bills hiring Jeff Giloolly to ensure a win over the Skins this week quickly took a turn into bad taste with the news that broke early Tuesday morning. Instead, I see Sean Taylor's tragic death as an event that will galvanize the Redskins and get them to play strong, united football for all 60 minutes (not just 58) of each game down the stretch en route to a possible playoff spot. LOSS

Chargers (-5.5) over Chiefs
Philip Rivers yelled at Chargers fans to shut up after he was booed off the field on Sunday. I could never see Tom Brady in such a situation, primarily because he never does anything that warrants booing. WIN

49ers (+3) over Panthers
Every 49ers victory takes the Patriots one step away from an early first round draft pick that they totally don't need but would be awesome to get, if only to shove a middle finger in the face of every other team in the NFL. (It would be even more awesome if the Pats had a better draft pick than the Jets.) LOSS

Falcons (E) over Rams
(Broadway Joe finished his career with the Rams, which is how I justify using this joke for this game.) Sources have revealed that Jake Gyllenhaal will play Joe Namath in a film depicting the Hall of Fame quarterback's life. No word on whether Heath Ledger has been cast as Suzy Kolber in the "I want to kiss you!" scene. LOSS

Browns (E) over Cardinals
In one of the less brilliant decisions of the season, Arizona elected to field a punt at its own two-yard line in overtime rather than letting the ball potentially bounce into the end zone for a touchback. Kurt Warner fumbled a snap in the end zone and the 49ers covered it for the touchdown and the win. People wonder why the Cardinals are mediocre year after year. The desert heat is obviously doing something to their cognitive functions. LOSS

Broncos (-3.5) over Raiders
Every single instinct I've had about the Broncos this year has been dead wrong. Therefore, I'm basing my selection for this game on my instinct that the Raiders consistently suck. LOSS

Saints (-3) over Bucs
Jeff Garcia is fighting a back injury and might not play this weekend. Bucs fans and Garcia's Playboy Playmate wife both want him to make a quick recovery, but for vastly different reasons. LOSS

Giants (-1.5) over Bears
Eli Manning's uncontrollable inferiority complex led him to seek to emulate big brother Peyton once again last week. Once again though, Eli proved inferior, throwing only four interceptions to Peyton's six. WIN

Bengals (+7) over Steelers
After Heinz Field became the biggest quagmire this side of Iraq last Monday night, the Steelers have decided to play the rest of their home games according to Canadian rules, hoping that awarding a single-point rouge for touchback punts and missed field goals actually allows teams to score during the first 59 minutes and 40 seconds of the game. LOSS

Patriots (-20.5) over Ravens
Having experienced my team barely eke out a win against the Eagles, I can now definitively say that blowing teams out of the water is much more fun. LOSS

BEST BET: Giants (-1.5) over Bears WIN
ELIMINATOR: New England Patriots WIN

THE MONKEY: Jets (+1) over Dolphins WIN

Big Ten Scheduling

I'm not the world's biggest college football fan, but as the season draws to a close, I have been paying attention to the goings-on in the NCAA FBS. It's pretty exciting. Naturally, I can't help but develop opinions about what I see unfolding before me. For the purposes of this series I'll call College Football Thoughts, we will assume that the BCS system actually has merit and will be here to stay indefinitely.

The Big Ten does its members a major disservice by ending its season the weekend before Thanksgiving. All of the other conferences remain in action the next weekend with various rivalry games and other league contests. The weekend afterward, the Big XII, ACC, and SEC have conference championships while the Pac-10 features the USC-UCLA game and the Big East showcases the Backyard Brawl between West Virginia and Pitt.

Last year, Ohio State looked thoroughly outmatched in the BCS championship game. After all, they hadn't played competitive football for the seven weeks prior to that game. Meanwhile, Michigan, which was idle for the final two weeks in the season could do nothing to make their case to the poll voters while Florida made its run to the SEC championship.

I'm sure that the Big Ten has valid reasons for ending its season so early (e.g. letting the student-athletes actually concentrate on school), but in this era of big money college sports, they need to rework their scheduling so that they don't drop out of the public consciousness. I understand that the Big Ten doesn't want to expand to include a twelfth team in order to gain the right to contest a lucrative conference championship game, which is fine, but they need to do something else to remain viable. Therefore, the conference needs to break with tradition, either by postponing the Michigan-Ohio State game by a week or two, or by scheduling games for another week or two after The Rivalry. With the advent of the twelve-game season, Big Ten teams now must play twelve games in a row without a break, then sit idle and lose their momentum while awaiting bowl season. There are more than twelve weeks in the season, so it would behoove the Big Ten to use all of them.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 12

Controversy ensued at the end the Browns-Ravens game last week. In case you've been living under a rock, Phil Dawson's game-tying field goal attempt at the end of regulation bounced off the upright, then off the support bar behind the crossbar, then back out onto the field of play. While initially ruled no good, discussions among the officials led Pete Morelli to reverse the call and send the game to overtime. The Ravens had retreated to the locker room where some of the players were already undressing and preparing to shower. They were none too pleased when they were ordered back onto the field. With such a miraculous momentum-shifting development, a Browns victory in OT was a foregone conclusion.

I think that we all agree that field goals should be added to the list of reviewable plays for next season. But I commend the officials for getting the call right, even if it took a while. NFL teams play sixteen games, so each individual game is far more important for playoff purposes than individual games in any of the other major team sports. Some fans decry what they feel is an overly juridical approach to calling the game, claiming that it slows things down and removes the fallible but character-rich human element. I disagree, believing that technology and careful deliberation are valuable tools to resolve contested calls in today's NFL, which is undoubtedly a high-stakes business with major financial implications involved in each win or loss.

Up until recently, MLB umpires were reluctant to overrule one another, considering reversing a colleague's call to be an invasion of his turf. The Jeffrey Maier home run in 1996 was seen differently by the five other umpires, yet it was Richie Garcia's call that stood. (Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS -- the one where A-Rod slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's hand to prevent being tagged -- was the first time I saw MLB umps willing to get together to discuss how a play appeared from their various vantage points.)

The NFL is different. Any typical game sees the zebras huddle up and confer several times. It is not uncommon for a flag that was thrown to be picked up and for the referee to announce that there is no foul on the play. While extreme cases happen (e.g. the 2000 Dolphins-Patriots game where the teams were ordered back onto the field half an hour after the supposed end of the game, since the game-ending fumble should have been ruled an incomplete pass and three seconds should have been left on the clock), officials' conferences do not add any appreciable amount of time to games. Besides, what else are you doing on Sunday afternoons anyway? Take the time to talk things over and get the call right.

(Maybe another day we'll discuss whether officials should be allowed to use unofficial replays on the stadium jumbotron as the basis for their reconsideration....)

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers or methods for deciding who gets to eat the drumstick.

Last Week: 7-7-2
Season To Date: 75-74-11
Best Bets: 6-5
Eliminator: 9-2 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 5-4-2

Packers (-3.5) over Lions
One of our great American traditions is turning on the television at 12:30 on Thanksgiving afternoon and seeing the Detroit Lions suck. Up until two weeks ago, it looked like that tradition might be in jeopardy. To the relief of the football-loving populace, the Lions are finally screwing games up as usual. All is right with the world once again. WIN

Jets (+14) over Cowboys
The Cowboys have had some trouble putting mediocre teams away this year (see, e.g. Buffalo Bills, Washington Redskins, Minnesota Vikings). The operative question this week is whether replacing Chad Pennington is enough to catapult the Jets into the mediocre category from Dolphins-land. LOSS

Falcons (+11.5) over Colts
Michael Vick surrendered to authorities three weeks before his sentencing hearing was to take place. Sources tell me that Vick considered federal prison to be a more palatable alternative to watching Byron Leftwich run the Falcons into the ground. LOSS

Jaguars (-8) over Bills
I can pretty much guarantee that the Jags won't hang the same 56-spot on the Bills this week that the Pats did last week. I can't guarantee that the Bills won't be similarly overmatched. WIN

Browns (-3.5) over Texans
For the first time in decades, a spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime stroke of good fortune went the Browns' way. Earnest Byner can finally breathe a sigh of relief. WIN

Chiefs (-5.5) over Raiders
Priest Holmes decided to call it a career this week. Raiders fans are praying that Daunte Culpepper decides to do the same the thing before Sunday. LOSS

Seahawks (-3) over Rams
Who would you rather have on your team: Deion Branch, or Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth? Yeah, Bill Belichick agrees. WIN

Giants (-7) over Vikings
Thanksgiving at the Manning household: Eli asks Peyton to pass the cranberry sauce. Peyton grabs the bowl and tries to reach across the table to hand it over to Eli. However, Peyton doesn't see Archie coming in from the other direction with a piping hot platter of mashed potatoes. Peyton knocks Archie's arm, causing Archie to spill the potatoes onto Peyton's lap. In a failed attempt to get out of the way in time, Peyton ends up falling out of his chair and the cranberry sauce goes flying into the air. All of a sudden, Antonio Cromartie comes out of nowhere and snatches the bowl just before it hits the ground, returning it all the way back to the kitchen. Peyton accuses Eli and Archie of ruining the holiday, then leaves the dinner table in a huff and spends the rest of the evening sitting in the living room, sulking and refusing to talk to anyone. LOSS

Redskins (+3) over Bucs
Now that the NASCAR season is over, Joe Gibbs can concentrate his full attention on coaching his football team. Actually, the Skins' offensive line could probably use an assist from the likes of Tony Stewart these days. LOSS

Saints (-3) over Panthers
Jake Delhomme, David Carr, Vinny Testaverde, Matt Moore. For the life of me, I can't keep track of who's playing QB for the Panthers week after week. WIN

Titans (-1.5) over Bengals
Vince Young has his best passing game all season, yet the Titans lose by two TD's to the inconsistent-at-best Broncos. Shows you how important he really is to that team. LOSS

Cardinals (-10.5) over 49ers
Note: what you just read is not a typo. The Cardinals are actual double-digit favorites for what seems like the first time since they left Chicago. LOSS

Ravens (+9.5) over Chargers
Brian Billick has petitioned the NFL to install Arena-style rebound nets on the goalposts. If the Ravens are getting screwed on field goal attempts that bounce back anyway, the least the NFL can do is give them a chance to return the ball. LOSS

Broncos (+2) over Bears
On this holiday, Rex Grossman is thankful for being given more second chances than Willie Horton. LOSS

Patriots (-22) over Eagles
Since winning games by 30-point margins has become such a routine matter for the Patriots, Bill Belichick is now motivating his team by challenging them to fulfill certain objectives during each game. This week, the team will consider it a victory if they can get Donovan McNabb to throw up in the huddle again. LOSS

Dolphins (+16) over Steelers
Former Dolphins coach Nick Saban compared Alabama's upset loss to Louisiana-Monroe last weekend with 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. By Saban's standards, the Dolphins' winless season is some unfortunate combination of the Holocaust, the Black Plague, the Darfur massacres, and the Apocalypse. WIN

BEST BET: Seahawks (-3) over Rams WIN
ELIMINATOR: Kansas City Chiefs LOSS

THE MONKEY: Panthers (+3) over Saints LOSS