Top Five American Gladiators Events

In honor of the revival of the show, I present my all-time top five events in American Gladiators history.

1. Atlasphere
In American Gladiators' version of demolition derby, each contender is enclosed in a giant steel hamster ball which he/she rolls around the arena and tries to settle in one of four scoring pods. If a point is scored, the scoring pod blows smoke into the air. But making things difficult are two gladiators in their own atlaspheres who try to ram into the contenders and keep them from reaching the pods.

2. Assault
Five (or four) stations with various weapons are positioned throughout the arena. Contenders zigzag between each one, firing different types of ordnance (crossbow, cannon, pellet gun, softball grenades, and -- my personal favorite -- the rocket launcher) at a target. Meanwhile, the gladiator stands behind the target and fires tennis balls at 100 m.p.h., trying to hit the contender before they hit the target.

3. The Wall
Scaling a forty-foot rock wall in less than a minute is hard enough. But The Wall sends a gladiator up the wall after each contender. With only a ten-second head start, the gladiators quickly catch up and grab the contenders by the ankles to try to pry them off. If the contenders can somehow elude the grasp of the gladiators while continuously climbing higher and higher, they can conquer The Wall.

4. Pyramid
The concept is similar to The Wall: contenders must climb to the top of a thirty-foot pyramid built from gym mats. Gladiators try to keep them from reaching the top, but this time, the gladiators start on high ground. The gladiators' strategy usually involves tackling the contenders and tumbling with them all the way to the bottom, where the contenders must summon enough intestinal fortitude to try again.

5. Hang Tough
Two platforms are erected in the arena with rings hanging from the ceiling that spans the gap between them. The contender starts from one platform and tries to swing over the opposite platform. But a gladiator starts from the other side with her sights fixed on the contender. Oftentimes, the contender is left holding on for dear life in the middle of the arena with a massive gladiator clutching onto her body.

Top Five Hints For International Air Travel

As someone who has flown over 255,000 miles since 2003 (yes, I've kept track), I want to share some strategies for how to make international flights a more pleasurable experience and minimize the attendant hassles.

1. Fly foreign airlines
Almost unconditionally, flying a non-American airline to an intercontinental destination will yield a more pleasurable experience. It starts with the booze that's free on virtually all foreign airlines but costs mucho dinero on virtually all U.S.-based airlines. It continues with the attitudes of flight attendants -- while American FA's see their jobs as nothing more than ensuring you get to your destination safely, many foreign FA's actually want you to legitimately enjoy your trip. Plus, when you fly a foreign airline, your cultural experience begins the second you set foot on the plane.

2. Own your misconnection
Airlines will allow you to book a 40-minute late afternoon domestic-to-international connection through O'Hare Airport. Prudent travelers will avoid doing so. Ensure you have plenty of time to make your connection in case of delays. On the way back, or if connecting abroad, ensure you have plenty of time to complete any customs or immigration formalities. Be especially wary if you're taking the only daily flight from a given city to a given destination -- if you miss it, you might be waiting a full day for the next trip. Better to spend three hours awaiting a connection than 24 hours dealing with a misconnection. (By contrast, connections abroad are less of a concern, since once you're already in Europe, it's easier for the airlines to get you where you ultimately need to go.) Flights are late all the time, and while airlines will get you to your destination, they might not be able to do so quickly. Advance planning can reduce such inconveniences.

3. Scope things out in advance
Thanks to the internet, travelers have a wealth of information at the their fingertips which will help them navigate unfamiliar foreign airlines and airports. If airlines allow you pick your seats in advance, visit seatguru.com to find out where you'll be most comfortable sitting on the plan where you'll be stuck for eight to twelve hours. Most airport websites have schematic maps allowing travelers to know where they need to go for check in. Some even have videos explaining how to navigate customs and immigration channels. If you're transferring between terminals, or if your departure airport has multiple terminals, it's helpful to know in advance where your flights will arrive depart.

4. Become an elite-level frequent flier
If you reach a certain annual frequent-flier mile threshold, you can earn elite status. This status grants you such privileges as the right to use special check-in desks with reduced lines, special security checkpoints in some airports, and airline VIP lounges. Not only do these lounges provide better food and drink than you can get on the plane, they have customer service representatives who can rebook you as necessary in case of a misconnection. Furthermore, elite-level frequent fliers improve their chances at upgrades and are more likely to get special attention from airline employees who wish to thank their loyal customers. The 50,000 miles it takes to reach this level may seem like a lot, but individuals who travel internationally three or four times a year can come close just by confining their travels to one airline or alliance.

5. Relax and enjoy yourself
It may be hard to stay positive when dealing with asinine security procedures, cantankerous immigration officials, and never-ending queues. However, the fact of the matter is that the ability to step on an airplane and be transported across an ocean overnight, all for a few hundred dollars, is an amazing feat. It used to take days on an ocean liner to cover the ground that a plane can travel in eight hours. Besides, there is something magical about soaring through the air. To this day, I am filled with excitement anytime an airplane speeds down the runway on its takeoff roll. Commercial flight remains a miracle of engineering and nothing the government or the airlines do can really take that feeling away.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Wild Card Weekend

Now that the regular season is over, we arrive at that peculiar part of the season where teams with strong records hit the road to face off against teams with lesser records who happen to play in division with weak teams. It doesn't quite seem fair.

In college sports, roughly two-thirds of a given team's schedule is played against conference opponents. The team's conference record is tabulated and reported separately. Conference champions are named based only on how those teams did in conference play. When it comes to seeding teams for the NCAA playoffs, conference champions qualify automatically but receive no special placement (or even a guarantee of a home game, where applicable) because of their championship. Teams' overall record (along with strength of schedule) determines where they sit in the NCAA brackets.

So, it seems really odd to give NFL division champions a home game, yet base that designation on their sixteen-game record, not just how they did against the three teams in their particular division. And furthermore, these divisions are artificial constructs. Unlike the Big Ten, SEC, and their brethren, NFL divisions are nothing more than eight quasi-regional groupings of 32 roughly equal teams. Divisions lack the same personalities or traditions of collegiate conferences.

Furthermore, with only four teams per division, one of whom is guaranteed a home game, there is a significant risk that a team will get a home game simply by being a mediocre team that was grouped in. It's bad enough that the divisional structure allows an 8-8 team to make the postseason when a 10-6 team can theoretically be left out, but it's worse that the 8-8 team would get a home game while the 11-5 wild card team would have to hit the road.

As a result, the Giants must travel to Tampa this weekend as punishment for being placed in the same division as the Dallas Cowboys, while the Bucs are rewarded simply because they had a better season than the Falcons, Saints, and Panthers. It really doesn't matter how the Bucs did in relation to the other 28 teams and I think that's wrong.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-10-1
Season To Date: 115-129-12
Best Bets: 10-7
Final Eliminator: 14-3 (Streak: W 5)
The Monkey: 8-6-3

Redskins (+3) over Seahawks
While the Skins have been riding late-season momentum and seem downright invincible at this point, the Seahawks probably wouldn't have even made the playoffs if they were an AFC team. If Sean Taylor's murder couldn't keep the Skins down, the Seahawks sure won't be able to do so. LOSS

Jaguars (-3) over Steelers
Don't we already know how this game turns out? Of course, with several key injuries to the Steelers, it won't be nearly as close as it was two weeks ago. LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Giants
Every team that gave the Patriots a run for their money this year (all of which, need I point out, were unsuccessful) has found itself on the tail end of the game they played the next week. It happened to the Ravens, Eagles, and Jets, so I have to imagine the same fate will befall the Giants on Sunday. LOSS

Chargers (-10.5) over Titans
If the Titans could only manage a six-point win against Jim Sorgi and the Colts backups (particularly when their failure to call a last-minute time-out showed exactly how much they cared about that game), they don't have a prayer against the Chargers' starters. WIN

BEST BET: Jaguars (-3) over Steelers LOSS

THE MONKEY: Giants (+3) over Bucs WIN

Every Bowl For Itself

As we are currently in the prime of college football bowl season, I take this opportunity to highlight a major difference between football's and basketball's respective postseasons.

I speak not of the fact that there are 63 less college football teams that are eligible for the national championship three weeks before it is decided. Rather, I take note that college bowls are all more or less independent entities with their own self-interested motivations whereas March Madness is one unified, coherent tournament with no competition.

What should be the goal of a postseason? To reward the best teams? To formulate the most interesting matchups? To sell the most tickets? To maintain an enjoyable tradition? Different bowls pursue different objectives. The Rose Bowl slavishly insists on matching up the best available teams from the Big Ten and Pac-10, even if will inevitably result in a one-sided blowout. Boston College, despite enjoying a top ten ranking for half the season, was relegated to the Champs Sports Bowl largely because people in the Northeast are unaware that college football exists, making bowl games reluctant to invite a team whose fans (or lack thereof) will leave a stadium half-empty.

In a classic example of game theory, each individual bowl is concerned only with making its own game as successful (however they choose to define it) as possible. Individual bowls care little about ensuring the postseason as a whole is entertaining. No bowl wants to take one for the team when those other bowls aren't about to share their gate receipts.

When it comes to March Madness however, the NCAA takes the 31 automatic qualifiers and the 34 best-qualified non-champions, puts them in a bracket, and allows mayhem to ensue. Good games are inevitable -- you just never quite know where they'll spring up. Fans will, by and large, fill the seats, ensuring a healthy bottom line. And as for tradition? The line of succession that includes Valparaiso, Gonzaga, Butler, and George Mason is one of the greatest traditions in sports.

Happy New Year!

Now that the confetti has been cleaned up and Dick Clark has been returned to the cryogenic chamber for yet another year, it is my pleasure to wish all of you a very happy new year.

With a new year comes a new set of digits to get used to writing at the conclusion of numerical dates (usually takes me about three weeks to figure that one out) and a year-to-date total of zero miles on my frequent flier account (the annual quest for 50,000 and Premier Executive status begins anew). But with a new year also comes a new set of blog posts and a continuation of meaningless top five lists, offbeat opinions, and a set of six newly-authorized state quarters (for the District of Columbia and the territories) that will require ratings.

Enjoy!

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 17

This is it -- the game that all of us here in the New England area had hoped would transpire back in early October, well before the Red Sox won the World Series. When the Pats started their season by scoring 38 points in the first three games, with Tom Brady throwing touchdowns to Randy Moss at will, with even supposed contenders like the Chargers and the Cowboys falling by the wayside, Patriots fans fantasized about a perfect season, one that would shut the 1972 Dolphins up for good.

Now, it's here. The Pats are on the cusp of a perfect regular season. All it will take is 60 minutes of halfway-decent football against a team that has nothing to play for and shouldn't have its starters on the field after the ten-minute mark of the second quarter. After Bill Belichick was fined for having perfectly legitimate footage of defensive signals shot from an improper location, the Pats became fired up and have unleashed their aggression on any poor opponent who, through the vagaries of the NFL schedule, is forced to stand in their way. Whether you love them or hate them, you need to respect them.

It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to win sixteen straight games in the NFL. Major League Baseball has some team with that kind of winning streak just about every season. Heck, the Boston Celtics had an eighteen-game streak last year. (Granted, it was a losing streak, which is arguably easier to pull off than a winning streak, but still....) In the NFL, however, parity reigns supreme. Strict salary caps, unbalanced schedules, and the copycat nature of the league make it very difficult for any one team to dominate its competitors. As a result, the Pats' perfection is an even greater accomplishment.

The rest of the country will be watching this game and hoping that the Pats go down, feeling that the Boston area has gotten more than its share of sports karma over the past seven years. I stick my tongue out at them. They should have done a better job picking a team to follow.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-11
Season To Date: 110-119-11
Best Bets: 10-6
Eliminator: 13-3 (Streak: W 4)
The Monkey: 8-6-2

Patriots (-13.5) over Giants
The only downside to going 16-0 is that the milestone is absolutely meaningless unless the Pats win the Super Bowl. For now, let's just enjoy it. LOSS

Bengals (-3) over Dolphins
The only downside to almost going 0-16 is that the milestone is accompanied by the obligation to pay top dollar for an unproven, uncertain college junior in next spring's draft. WIN

Bills (+7.5) over Eagles
You can pencil the Bills in for a playoff berth next year, assuming they don't move to Canada in the meanwhile. LOSS

Seahawks (+1) over Falcons
I wonder whether they get the NFL Network at the Northern Neck Regional Jail in Warsaw, Virginia. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, since on Saturday night, Michael Vick will be able to see how a quarterback who doesn't have a dog-strangling hobby is capable of playing. LOSS

Saints (-2) over Bears
When the powers-that-be put the schedule together, they anticipated that this rematch of last year's NFC Championship would be a preview of a potential playoff matchup. Oops. LOSS

Bucs (+3) over Panthers
You know those touch football games you used to play in the backyard, where you'd switch off who played quarterback each series while everyone else went out for a pass? Well, the Panthers might be best off resorting to such a strategy for the final game of the season. LOSS

Browns (-10) over 49ers
Cleveland is in the unusual position where their playoff berth is completely out of their control. Whether the Browns win or lose, the final AFC wild card spot will be determined by the Tennessee-Indianapolis game. So, do you play hard or do you mail it in? Romeo Crennel is a Bill Belichick disciple, which means he is mentally incapable of resting his starters. WIN

Packers (-4) over Lions
If the Lions were a college football team, the 8-8 record they'd secure with a win this week would qualify them for a spot in the ThirdRateAutoInsuranceCompany.com Bowl to be played January 21st in Little Rock, Arkansas. Thanks goodness for the NFL! WIN

Jaguars (+6.5) over Texans
The fact that all but two playoff berths have been sown up means that Week 17 features such oddities as the fourth-best team in football being one-touchdown underdogs to a divisional rival with a sub-.500 record. LOSS

Chargers (-8) over Raiders
Lane Kiffin has one last chance to impress Al Davis before he must go before his boss and grovel to keep his job for another year. WIN

Jets (-6.5) over Chiefs
If it weren't for the new flex scheduling arrangement, this stinker would be the final Sunday Night Football game of the year. LOSS

Cardinals (-6) over Rams
Another year, another Week 17 game for the Cardinals with no possibility of making the playoffs. WIN

Cowboys (+9) over Redskins
Out goes Terrell Owens, in comes Terry Glenn. At least Bill Parcells never questioned T.O.'s masculinity. LOSS

Vikings (-3) over Broncos
If the Vikings end up missing out on the playoffs, they have nobody to blame but themselves. When you get slaughtered by the team that's breathing down your neck, you don't deserve to be playing in January. LOSS

Steelers (-3.5) over Ravens
The only good news for the Ravens is that their 2007 losing streak will come to an end this Sunday, one way or the other. LOSS

Titans (-6) over Colts
No team lies down and plays dead in Week 17 like the Colts. They seem all too happy to hand this game, and the resulting wild card spot, to the division rival Titans. TIE

BEST BET: Vikings (-3) over Broncos LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Tennessee Titans WIN

THE MONKEY: Bengals (-3) over Dolphins WIN

Top Five Types Of Christmas Carols

1. Songs about Jesus
These Christmas carols remind us that the true purpose of this holiday is not to run around the mall trying to find the perfect present for relatives about whom you don't particularly care, but to honor the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, we sing "Away In A Manger" and "Joy To The World" and "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "We Three Kings" to commemorate the great miracle that took place 2,007 years ago today (except that it was probably more like 2,010 years ago and it may not have actually happened in late December, but we don't let minor details stand in our way).

2. Songs about Santa
Santa is Jesus' secular rival. Jesus may have died for our sins but Santa is still alive and well, spying on children all year long before hopping in his nine-reindeer-driven flying sleigh and making the rounds across planet Earth on Christmas Eve, hopping down chimneys, leaving presents (or coal) under trees, and snacking on more cookies and milk than he would care to see. We honor Santa through songs like "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Jolly Old St. Nicholas," and the utterly ridiculous "Santa Baby."

3. Songs that may have been fine for Dickensian England but don't make much sense in the 21st century
What's this song about the twelve days of Christmas? Last I checked, there was only one day and most people are back at work on December 26th. Who in today's society would think that 364 separate gifts including pipers piping, maids a-milking, drummers drumming, and a total of forty golden rings are a good idea? How many rings can you wear on ten fingers anyway? When's the last time you decided to decorate for the holiday by decking the halls the boughs of holly? I mean, who talks like that anymore? And when was the last time someone wished good tidings to you and your kin or brought you a figgy pudding?

4. Christmas songs that aren't really about Christmas at all
Songs like "Frosty The Snowman" and "Winter Wonderland" and "Jingle Bells" and "Sleigh Ride" get lumped into the category of Christmas carols, but when you actually listen to the words, you realize that they are generic winter songs that are just as applicable to mid-February as they are to late December. As a result, they are popular selections for public school holiday concerts, since it lets bored parents think they're hearing Christmas carols while school administrators relax, knowing the First Amendment remains intact.

5. Multicultural Christmas songs
For the Hispanic residents of our country (legal or not), we sing "Feliz Navidad." We recognize our 50th state by singing "Mele Kalikimaka." The Germans get "O Tannenbaum" and the French get "De Bon Matin." Ignorant people who don't realize that Hanukkah is actually a second-tier Jewish holiday and instead consider in the Jewish Christmas lump Hanukkah songs into this category. If I knew of any traditional Kwanzaa songs (which is difficult, given the limited tradition of the holiday itself) they'd belong here as well.

Bowl Game Stadium Trivia

1. Which current bowl game has been played under the greatest number of names?

2. Which stadiums currently host more than one annual bowl game (not including the BCS title game)?

3. What was the last bowl game that matched up two teams from what was then Division I-AA? Which two conferences were represented?

4. Of the current bowl game venues, which one is the northernmost? Southernmost? Easternmost? Westernmost?

5. Why was there no Orange Bowl game played in 1997?

6. Which current bowl venue has the greatest capacity? The smallest capacity?

7. Which bowl game is played in a Major League Baseball stadium?

8. Before the International Bowl, what was the last bowl game played outside the United States?

9. Which non-BCS bowl has the largest payout? Which has the smallest payout?

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Dunkin' Deception

The menu at Boston's favorite fast food donut and coffee shop has recently undergone a minor makeover lately with the addition of oven-toasted flatbread sandwiches, the expansion of value combos, and the availability of "side orders," namely hash browns (far more flavorful than what you get as breakfast potatoes at McDonald's, by the way).

Look closely at the menu board, however, and you'll now notice that beverages are listed in descending size order (i.e. x-large, large, medium, small), instead of the ascending order that the rest of the world uses. I have arrived at the conclusion that this arrangement is nothing more than a psychological ploy to get people to buy more expensive drinks on one of two theories:

1. Since people naturally read left to right, the first thing they will encounter is the most expensive size. Large beverages at D&D's are a bargain compared with other coffee shops, so people will make the impulse decision to get the large and not read further on the menu, since it's the same price as a small elsewhere.

2. People will see the price on the left of the menu board and assume it's the smallest size that D&D's offers. They won't be thrown off by the fact that it's called "large" because they're so used to Starbucks' "tall, grande, venti" nomenclature.

Once upon a time, businesses made money by selling their customers the right product for their individual needs. Nowadays, business make money by tricking their customers into buying the most expensive thing they can get away with.

(I'd actually forgive them for this sleight-of-hand if they would just dump Rachael Ray as a spokesperson.)

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 16

Earlier this week, the NFL announced the list of players selected to be able to blow off the 2008 Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Tuesday Morning Quarterback -- ESPN's in-house spewer of fire-and-brimstone rhetoric -- always takes this opportunity to denounce the NFL for naming its all-star teams with two weeks left to play. Whether or not TMQ has a point, consider that the other three major sports leagues select their all-star teams after only half a season has elapsed. Those players who do nothing through June then turn it for the season's second half after some unknown kick in the pants (or, in the case of Roger Clemens in 1997, some unknown shot in the butt), are out of luck.


Besides, the accolade of being selected is far more important than actually playing in the game. A long season is over and road-weary players just want to spend time with their families. With the exception of the two Super Bowl teams, everyone else hung up their pads a minimum of three weeks before the season-ending exhibition. Did I mention that with all the rules the NFL imposes to prevent injuries, the game itself an absolute joke? The Pro Bowl is such a loser that the NFL now requires TV networks to cover it as a condition of broadcasting the Super Bowl.

As for Fred Taylor, Mario Williams, and everyone else who was snubbed, first ask yourself if you really want to go to this game anyway, and second, take solace in the fact that half the starters will drop out for various reasons over the next month and a half, opening a space for you after all. The night before last year's game, they were looking for any live body who could catch a flight to Hawaii in order to fill out the rosters.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 105-108-11
Best Bets: 10-5
Eliminator: 12-3 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 8-5-2

Steelers (-7.5) over Rams
This one will be long, so bear with me. When my little brother was growing up, he used to go to hebrew school with this kid named Aaron Bass (who, for some inexplicable reason, we always called Evan Bass). This kid was a whiny brat and a total social misfit. When my brother went over to his house for the first (and last) time, Aaron Bass threw building blocks at him. Anyway, one year, my brother has this recurring case of strep throat. We tried to figure out where he got it from and eventually came to the conclusion that he caught it from Aaron Bass three or four times in the span of as many weeks. Fast forward to last Thursday night: I turned on the NFL Network to watch the Broncos-Texans game, and after a few minutes, I realized that I wasn't irritated by the play-by-play like I usually am. It turned out that Bryant Gumbel was scratched from the broadcast with a case of strep throat. I could actually enjoy listening to the game with substitute commentator Tom Hammond in the booth. So, if I could, I'd love to send Aaron Bass over the Gumbel household before this week's game as well. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Panthers
Dallas fans have obtained a restraining order requiring Jessica Simpson to stay no less than five miles away from wherever the Cowboys are playing. LOSS

Jaguars (-13) over Raiders
The fact that not a single player from the Jacksonville Jaguars -- the fifth-best team in the NFL right now -- was named to the Pro Bowl is disgraceful. WIN

Chiefs (+4.5) over Lions
If I could be paid millions of dollars to come up with the same lack of results as Matt Millen, I would be living a dream. LOSS

Colts (-7) over Texans
When you think about it, the fact that a team could go 14-2 and yet is mathematically eliminated from the number one seed with two games left to play is unbelievable. WIN

Saints (-3) over Eagles
Brian Westbrook's game-sealing laydown left Chad Johnson to wonder why he can't garner similar anounts of praise for not scoring touchdowns. LOSS

Bills (+3) over Giants
His lackluster performance in last week's crucial division game demonstrates that Eli Manning plays the Peyton Manning role perfectly. LOSS

Packers (-8.5) over Bears
I'd like everyone who was clamoring for the Aaron Rodgers era to start near the end of last season to raise their hands. Anyone? Anyone? Not so high and mighty anymore now, are we? LOSS

Browns (-3) over Bengals
Unlike the Jets, the Browns managed to fill their head coaching job with a former Patriots defensive coordinator who's actually capable of winning games. LOSS

Cardinals (-10) over Falcons
Memo to those boneheads on the Falcons with the t-shirts last week: You can break out your "Free Mumia" gear, since it's arguable that he never got a fair trial. (Though that was so 1999.) But Michael Vick voluntarily pled guilty to dogfighting charges knowing that the offense carried a statutory maximum penalty of five years. For you to suggest that there was some miscarriage of justice in Vick's case trivializes the plight of those people who actually are screwed over by the system. LOSS

Bucs (-6) over 49ers
Since the Pats own San Francisco's draft pick, it might behoove Bill Belichick to supply the Bucs with some special footage of the Niners' defensive signals, if you know what I mean. LOSS

Jets (+8.5) over Titans
When they print the NFL standings, the New York Post puts an asterisk next to the Patriots with the notation "caught cheating." They should also put an asterisk next to the Jets with the notation "caught sucking." WIN

Seahawks (E) over Ravens
When someone else avoids the moniker of "Worst Team Ever" by beating you, it clearly is not your year. WIN

Patriots (-22) over Dolphins
While I really wanted to see a 14-0 team play an 0-14 team, the Dolphins' win last week means they have absolutely nothing else to play for. LOSS

Vikings (-6.5) over Redskins
Sean Taylor was posthumously elected a starter for the Pro Bowl, barely edging out Mel Carnahan and Patsy Mink for the slot. LOSS

Broncos (+8.5) over Chargers
Denver's completely unpredictable season continues, though last week I managed to correctly predict a game of theirs for only the second time since Week Four. LOSS

BEST BET: Browns (-3) over Bengals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Arizona Cardinals WIN

THE MONKEY: Cardinals (-10) over Falcons LOSS

Top Five Places I'll Never Be Able To Visit

Never is probably an overstatement, but visiting any of the places on this list would require either navigating some serious red tape or some out-and-out deception.

1. Tehran, Iran
I found out just the other day that, counter to the desert outpost stereotype of a Middle Eastern city, Tehran sits below a towering range of mountains which regularly experiences snowfall during the winter months. Just a few kilometers outside the city lies the start of the world's highest ski lift, taking passengers near to the top of a ridge near the 13,005 foot summit of Mt. Tochal. If you look at pictures of Tehran and ignore the signs in Farsi, you'd swear it was Denver. But while Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has proclaimed that his country is open to American tourism, a visa application nonetheless requires you to provide two residents of Iran who will serve as references. I'm told that the government actually shows up and grills them.

2. Mecca, Saudi Arabia
Getting a visa for Saudi Arabia is trouble enough, since the country does not allow people to enter for touristic purposes. Therefore, I need to find some business purpose to go to the country, or suddenly find family there, or claim I'm a religious pilgrim. Even if I make into Saudi Arabia though, the holy city of Mecca is only open to those of the Muslim faith. I'd love to experience the spectacle of the Hajj and take in the beauty of the Kaaba firsthand, but I don't know whether I'm willing to convert to a new faith to do so.

3. Pyongyang, North Korea
Kim Jong Il's dystopia is something straight out of 1984. A massive planned society, every member of North Korea's homogenized society knows their role and follows the rules, leaving the city squeaky clean and the roads largely free of traffic (which is easy to do since only the highest-ranking members of the party faithful are allowed to drive). Monumental, futurist works of architecture are dedicated in honor of the Eternal President and the Dear Leader. American tourists are only allowed into the country a couple of weeks each year, and then, they're only allowed on strictly controlled tours run by government officials. In other words, you only see what they want you to see.

4. Havana, Cuba
Cuba is the ultimate forbidden fruit for Americans. While seeing a world essentially frozen in the 1950's sounds cool, the fact of the matter is that Cuba is so attractive largely because it's off-limits. Not too long ago, Americans could circumvent the embargo by traveling via a third country and avoiding the telltale passport stamp. But the Bush administration has decided to enforce a policy that's obviously worked so well over the past forty years by cracking down on individual tourists who visit Fidel Castro's regime. Once the old guy kicks the bucket, American tourists will flock to the island, but once that happens, what's the point of bothering to go?

5. Antarctica
You can't exactly book a commercial flight to Antarctica, though if you're willing to do some research and throw some money at it, you can find yourself an eco-tourism cruise expedition that will take you to the bottom of the world. Therein lies the rub, since I tend to avoid both cruises and organized tours. Additionally, an expedition exploring anything beyond the tip of the Antarctic Peninsula would involve some intensive, cold-weather hiking and camping. I'll hike all day and I'll sleep in crappy budget hotels in third-world countries, but camping? Count me out.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 15

Anyone who regularly watches football games has seen this scenario: offensive team stands milling around, waiting for a play call to come in from the sidelines. Eventually, with about fifteen seconds left on the play clock, the team huddles up hurriedly. Then, with five second left, the players themselves at the line of scrimmage. The quarterback sees something he doesn't like in the defensive formation and calls up and down the line, checking off the planned play for an audible. But, he doesn't have enough time to make sure everyone gets the message, and with the play clock about to hit zero, he pulls out from under center and calls a time out.

Popular wisdom seems to dictate that the quarterback call a timeout in this situation, but I want to challenge this convention. Teams only receive three timeouts per half, so naturally, they should use them only when necessary, such as to stop the clock in the final two minutes or to reset their defense if they're not ready for a play or to challenge a call.

Saving yourself a five-yard penalty near midfield early in a game doesn't seem to carry the same import. Teams regularly absorb ten-yard holding penalties or sacks of eight to twelve yards yet still manage to convert for the first down. Sure, a five-yard setback never helps your cause (unless you're Russ Hochstein and the Patriots), but as far as penalties go, it's pretty minimal.

Next time a quarterback realizes he won't be able to get a play off on time, I'd love to see him just step back, leave his arms at his side, and let the officials throw a flag. Five yards isn't worth a timeout. Consider the five yards to be the cost of being able to stop the clock at will down the stretch.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 10-6
Season To Date: 98-99-11
Best Bets: 9-5
Eliminator: 11-3 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 7-5-2

Texans (-1) over Broncos
Somehow, I doubt that Comcast will be besieged by phone calls from people complaining about being unable to watch games on the NFL Network this week. WIN

Bengals (-8) over 69ers
I'm going to start referring to San Francisco as the 69ers -- because they suck. LOSS

Jets (+23.5) over Patriots
I can't remember the last time that the spread and the over/under were basically the same number. The only thing that might keep this game respectable is the nor'easter that's scheduled to arrive in town Sunday afternoon. WIN

Falcons (+13.5) over Bucs
Between Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino, the Falcons lost two major fixtures in less than 48 hours. At least players can go visit Bobby Petrino without submitting to a strip search and body cavity check. LOSS

Titans (-4) over Chiefs
You're not going to get far in this league if you led a team that's been dead to rights for the first 52 minutes of a game rally for 20 straight points and an overtime victory. WIN

Seahawks (-7.5) over Panthers
Carolina asked the NFL for permission to use its 2008 first round pick early, just to get a semi-competent live body behind center. LOSS

Packers (-10) over Rams
Brett Favre's injury ended up lasting about as long as his last three retirements. The streak is alive! WIN

Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens
When you look back and realize what Nick Saban was running away from, he doesn't seem like quite the weasel. Most people would have done the same thing. WIN

Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals
With a chance to make the playoffs if they could pull off a late-season run, the Cards predictably wilted under the pressure. WIN

Jaguars (+3.5) over Steelers
Something tells me that the Steelers won't be letting Anthony Smith make any more motivational speeches this year. WIN

Bills (+5.5) over Browns
Of the thirteen games the Browns have played this year, ten have been decided by ten points or less, four have come down to a field goal, and two have gone to overtime. In a related story, pacemaker retailers in the Cleveland metropolitan area are reporting record sales. LOSS

Colts (-10.5) over Raiders
Indy has second place in the AFC all locked up, so they might as well give their starters a rest so that they're nice and rusty by the time they meet the Pats in the playoffs. LOSS

Lions (+10) over Chargers
Jon Kitna's early-season guarantee that his team would win ten games now looks about as accurate as, well, Anthony Smith's promise last week. LOSS

Cowboys (-10.5) over Eagles
Good teams win blowouts. Great teams manage to dig themselves out of holes when it looks like all hope is lost. (Of course, inept play-calling by the opponent never hurts.) LOSS

Giants (-4.5) over Redskins
Eli Manning is unstoppable... unless, of course, it's the first, second, or third quarter of a professional football game. LOSS

Vikings (-10) over Bears
Rex Grossman says he'd love to come back to the Bears if they want him. Of course, that's the same thing Brian Dunkleman said after the first season of American Idol. LOSS

BEST BET: Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Indianapolis Colts WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens WIN

I ♥ Huckabee (Not)

Since he's now the supposed front-runner, I decided to check out the platform for former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. I was horrified. Among the things Huckabee stands for are a complete ban on abortion (even in cases of rape or for the health of the mother), a belief that homosexuality is sinful and abnormal, support for posting the Ten Commandments inside classrooms, no federal funding of stem cell research, and acceptance of creationism (which I can't even believe is even still on the table in the 21st century).

Now, I consider myself a libertarian-conservative -- libertarian on social issues, conservative on fiscal issues. I don't care much for the anti-gay rhetoric and religious grandstanding in which many Republicans engage, but I'm usually willing to overlook such beliefs in order to find a candidate with sound budgetary priorities. In Huckabee's case, however, his religious convictions seem so pervasive and so vehement that I don't think I could support the man if he becomes the eventual Republican nominee.

Maybe I'm just totally out of touch, but for the life of me, I can't understand what people see in this guy. Are there really that many people out there who want a slice of Jesus served as a side dish to their daily life? Even self-described conservatives that I personally know don't particularly care to have religion so intertwined with politics. Perhaps it's different in the Heartland and there really are masses of people who would want nothing more than to see our country transformed into a theocracy. But when it comes to the general election, I can't in a million years see Huckabee's bible thumping carrying the day.

If the religious zealots insist on nominating a candidate who most closely represents their own agenda rather than one who could actually win an election while keeping some of their interests in mind, we should get ready for these three words: President Hillary Clinton.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 14

Loyal readers of this column know how I am a decided proponent of the instant replay system. With only sixteen games in a season, every single call has the potential to decide a team's season. However, the system is not quite perfect.

The largest gripe I have is that outside of the two minute warning, coaches have the responsibility to challenge calls on their own. The guy sitting up in the replay booth can hang out and eat overpriced hot dogs for 56 minutes and watch the game each Sunday, all on the NFL's dime, before he actually has to do something. I understand how coaches would sometimes want to insist that the officials take another look at a crucial call, but coaches have 45 players to look after already. They don't need to supervise seven officials as well.

The idea of limiting the number of challenges and assessing a time out for challenges that are upheld makes sense as a measure to keep games from getting out of hand, but I don't see quite what time outs have to do with challenges. In other words, why should a team be barred from challenging a play, even if they have a challenge remaining, just because they had already spent time outs in strategically appropriate situations earlier in the half? Forcing a team to keep a time out in reserve just in case they need to overturn a clearly erroneous call by an official seems to be a forced misplacement of priorities. I propose that if a team is out of time outs, the officials should still allow rightful challenges subject to the caveat that if unsuccessful, the team should be punished with a five-yard (or ten-yard) penalty.

Both of these problems would be solved by adopting the NCAA model. In the NCAA, while coaches have a certain number of challenges, a replay official can initiate a review, sua sponte, at any time. It is true that college football replays are conducted in the booth and that the referee need not duck under the hood to watch the play himself, which ostensibly speeds things up, but in the NFL, it is more important to get the calls right rather than make them quickly. Besides, replay officials will probably initiate reviews on plays that coaches would have challenged anyway. And if replay officials can call for challenges themselves, teams without timeouts (or challenges) remaining would no longer be helpless.

Further, the challenge system breeds this ridiculous ritual where offensive teams that benefit from a questionable call rush up to the line and try to snap the ball before the challenge flag comes flying. One astute commentator pointed out that a mad dash to snap the ball is an indication in and of itself that you should be throwing the flag. However, unless we want to engage in perverse exercises of revisionist history by winding back the clock two minutes to reverse a call on the previous drive, the one-play statute of limitations on replay is a necessary evil.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 88-93-11
Best Bets: 8-5
Eliminator: 10-3 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 6-5-2

Redskins (-3) over Bears
After last week's ill-fated illegal time out call, Joe Gibbs got a call from Chris Webber assuring him that everything would work out just fine. WIN

Bills (-7) over Dolphins
While Nick Buoniconti and company need to keep the champagne corks unpopped for at least another week, the 1976 Buccaneers are anxiously awaiting their opportunity to open up their bottles of Colt 45 once (if?) the Dolphins finally win a game. WIN

Rams (+6) over Bengals
The Rams are 3-1 since their bye week and are currently petitioning the NFL to retroactively extend the preseason from four to twelve games. LOSS

Jaguars (-10.5) over Panthers
David Garrard is unquestionably the most underrated quarterback in the league. Meanwhile, Vinny Testaverde is counting down the games until he can take out social security. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Lions
Usually the Lions don't even bother waiting until November to go into their annual nose dive. Which raises the question once again: how is Matt Millen still employed? LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Texans
Luke McCown might be just as good at rallying the team to an exciting victory, but Jeff Garcia still has the hotter wife. LOSS

Raiders (+10) over Packers
Packers fans have seen the post-Favre future, and it ain't pretty. Here's hoping the NFL's ironman takes whatever pain-killers he needs (and even some that he doesn't) in order to play in Sunday's game. LOSS

Chargers (E) over Titans
Tennessee is a team I really respect and every time they take the field, I hope they win. Too bad it takes more than my individual hope to overcome flat play. WIN

Giants (+3) over Eagles
Donovan McNabb wants to return to the field from injury this week. He wants to go head-to-head with Eli Manning to see who can choke up this game worse. WIN

Vikings (-9) over 49ers
At the end of September (i.e. before the Lions started playing like the Lions), we all figured that two teams from the NFC North would make the playoffs. We just didn't think it would be the Vikings. WIN

Seahawks (-7) over Cardinals
If the NFL were a English soccer-style league with promotion and relegation at the end of each season, then the Arizona Cardinals would be Tottenham Hotspur -- while they come up with enough wins each year to stave off demotion, they're never really in contention for the top prize. WIN

Chiefs (+6.5) over Broncos
Once again, I have proven myself completely inept at picking any game involving the Broncos. So, I've decided to just guess. LOSS

Browns (-3) over Jets
The Jets might want to send Isiah Thomas and the Knicks a special thank-you present this Christmas season, since without the Knicks, the Jets would be the biggest sports laughing-stock in New York City. WIN

Steelers (+10.5) over Patriots
You know your team is truly charmed when they get six downs to make a conversion where all other teams only get four. LOSS

Colts (-9) over Ravens
Baltimore fans are planning to take revenge on the Colts franchise for what happened in 1984 by blockading the stadium after Sunday night's game and preventing the Colts from skipping town yet again. WIN

Saints (-4) over Falcons
After that 3-0 Pittsburgh game and that 24-0 walkover by the Seahawks over the 49ers and then this snoozer, ESPN should be barging down the door of the NFL offices demanding a renegotiation of their contract. WIN

BEST BET: Giants (+3) over Eagles WIN
ELIMINATOR: Buffalo Bills WIN

THE MONKEY: Vikings (-9) over 49ers WIN

50 State Quarters Rated: 2008

At long last, the U.S. Mint has released the official designs for the final five state quarters. As always, I have opinions to share. (FYI, legislation has been introduced that would prolong the program for a year in order to issue coins spotlighting the District of Columbia and the five territories. In that case, we'll obviously chime in with our two -- or twenty-five -- cents.)

Oklahoma
If you showed me this quarter and asked me which state it represented, I would run through most of the Southeast, Northeast, Midwest, and Pacific Northwest before I would guess Oklahoma. The scissor-tailed flycatcher may be a unique bird and the Indian Blankets may be the official state flower, but nothing about the quarter itself shows me what Oklahoma itself looks like (aside from the fact that it evidently has lots of these birds and flowers running around). A state outline would go a long way here.
Rating: 5¢

New Mexico
This quarter makes a decent effort to represent the state but it could do more. I like the state outline and the motto. The Zia sun symbol is ubiquitous in New Mexico and I couldn't imagine a quarter without it. While incorporating terrain into the state logo is an interesting gloss, I feel that it's used an excuse to avoid actually depicting a scene from state. I can tell where the mountains and rivers are, I just can't tell what they look like. Overall, it comes across a bit bland.
Rating: 10¢

Arizona
If New Mexico's quarter is too bland, Arizona's is too frantic. I applaud the state's desire to highlight the dual icons of the Grand Canyon and the Saguaro cactus. I also applaud the state's commitment to accuracy in dividing the two icons with a sash in order to demonstrate that they're not found in the same part of the state. But this quarter goes too far in trying to be realistic. A coin that's just over an inch in diameter is just too plain small for a realistic depiction of intricate geologic and botanical formations.
Rating: 10¢

Alaska
We'll start with what I don't like: I would have hoped to see mountains or glaciers on this quarter and I've never heard the nickname "The Great Land" used for Alaska. ("The Last Frontier," yes.) But this quarter does a nice job showing off Alaska's unadulterated wilderness with a primal scene of bear snatching a salmon out of a cascading river. The subtle inclusion of a single star is a brilliant way to recognize the iconic North Star highlighted on the Alaska state flag, especially since it is positioned in roughly the same place on the quarter and flag.
Rating: 20¢

Hawaii
I'm a fan of the state outline, and while the foreign language phrase is voluminous, it is the official state motto, so I'll cut it some slack. King Kamehameha is certainly an important figure in Hawaii's history, plus his inclusion creates the novelty of royalty depicted on American currency. There does seem to be an excess of blank space on this quarter, but as an island state, Hawaii can't really help it. I guess the only major thing I would change would be finding some way to put a volcano on the coin.
Rating: 15¢

Overtime Insanity

After the #1 team in the country lost to Arkansas last week, some brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not brilliant) sportswriter opined that LSU is not worthy of a spot in the BCS title game after giving up 50 points to an unranked team. What the myopic scribe failed to mention in that lede was that 22 of the 50 points were given up in a three-round overtime procedure where even the most mediocre of teams can't help but score.

After sixty minutes of playing football on a hundred-yard field, the field suddenly shrinks to 25 yards for overtime. The winner of the game is determined not by which team is better but my which team's red zone offense is better. Punters can take the rest of the night off, kickers rarely have to try field goals more than forty yards in length, any sort of field position strategy is nullified, and teams no longer need to decide whether they want to concede a short play to cover deep in case of a long bomb. An interesting consequence is that players can use any illegal means necessary to stop the defense from returning an interception for a touchdown since the other team will start anew at the 25-yard-line anyway.

So, by distilling games down to just this one element, we end up with distorted scores and statistics (yep, they all count the same as in regulation) and less consequence that the best team won. I guess the equivalent would be starting extra innings in baseball with three men on, or deciding hockey games by one-on-one penalty shootouts (oh, wait....). Unlike overtime in the NFL, each team is indeed guaranteed a possession, but only at the expense of three-quarters of the field.

And yet, I love it. The fan in me, the one who craves excitement and suspense and the knowledge that any one play can decide a game, relishes the thought of overtime and prays that a kicker will miss his last-second 29-yard chip shot with a tie score so that I can see this wonderful, well, gimmick. He strangles the purist in me who tries to convince him that this gimmick is a perversion of the game and an unfair (at least incomplete) method to determine a winner. Maybe guaranteed excitement and non-stop offense is reason enough to justify college football overtime.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 13

The NFL community was shocked on Monday when news broke that Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor was shot in the leg by an intruder while relaxing in his Miami-area home. Early signs suggested that Taylor was aware of his surroundings and on the path to recovery, but in the end, the excessive blood loss proved too much for Taylor to handle and he passed away at the age of 24.

It seems like just yesterday (in fact, it was less than a year ago) that we mourned the tragic death of Darrent Williams, the second-year cornerback for the Denver Broncos who was slain in a drive-by shooting during the wee hours of New Year's Day. Then, in May, Patriots defensive end Marquise Hill drowned while jet skiing in his home state of Louisiana.

The NFL has experienced much grief over the past year. One would hope the fact that three promising young players died in the span of eleven months is merely a coincidence. After all, police still don't have a motive in the Williams slaying and don't believe that Williams was even the intended target of the shots. And when it comes to Taylor, police currently believe that the attack was a robbery gone bad, not a calculated act of gang-land blood vengeance. Taylor just happened to be the wrong person who was in his fancy house when it was invaded at the wrong time.

Football fans hope that their favorite players realize how lucky they are to be paid millions of dollars for playing a schoolyard game. Fans hope that players take care of themselves and not subject themselves to unnecessary risks and not associate with the wrong characters. Yeah, maybe Hill made a fatal mistake by not opting to wear a life jacket, but what did Williams do wrong? Party with a bunch of friends? Hire a limo so he wouldn't have to drive after drinking that night? Maybe Taylor's assumedly luxurious home was a target to robbers, but can you really fault a multi-millionaire for wanting to live somewhere nice?

We all wish we had more answers and I wish I could give them to you.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 6-10
Season To Date: 81-84-11
Best Bets: 7-5
Eliminator: 9-3 (Streak: L 1)
The Monkey: 5-5-2

Cowboys (-7) over Packers
The Thursday night matchup features the third Game of the Century played this season. Too bad fans (at least those who can even get the game) will have to listen to the insufferable Bryant Gumbel provide such gems as, "it would behoove the Falcons to get a first down here." WIN

Jets (+1) over Dolphins
Ricky Williams' season is over thanks to a tear of his chest muscle. He wanted to keep on playing but the NFL denied his request for permission to use medical marijuana. WIN

Vikings (-3.5) over Lions
I could make relentless fun of Jon Kitna for predictably choking just when his team looked like they were for real, but that wouldn't be the Christian thing to do. Thank goodness I'm a Jew. WIN

Seahawks (+3) over Eagles
The Eagles are rewarding A.J. Feeley for nearly pulling off the biggest upset of the season by letting Donovan McNabb have his job back if he's healthy. Sucks to be a white quarterback, huh? WIN

Titans (-4) over Texans
My early-season "sexy pick" to make the playoffs has faltered. Fortunately, they managed to get their hands on the footage shot last week by Chad Johnson hoping that it will give them the edge they need to prevail over the Titans. WIN

Colts (-7) over Jaguars
How good can a wide receiver really be if the first four letters of his name are "crap"? LOSS

Redskins (-5.5) over Bills
My intended joke about the Bills hiring Jeff Giloolly to ensure a win over the Skins this week quickly took a turn into bad taste with the news that broke early Tuesday morning. Instead, I see Sean Taylor's tragic death as an event that will galvanize the Redskins and get them to play strong, united football for all 60 minutes (not just 58) of each game down the stretch en route to a possible playoff spot. LOSS

Chargers (-5.5) over Chiefs
Philip Rivers yelled at Chargers fans to shut up after he was booed off the field on Sunday. I could never see Tom Brady in such a situation, primarily because he never does anything that warrants booing. WIN

49ers (+3) over Panthers
Every 49ers victory takes the Patriots one step away from an early first round draft pick that they totally don't need but would be awesome to get, if only to shove a middle finger in the face of every other team in the NFL. (It would be even more awesome if the Pats had a better draft pick than the Jets.) LOSS

Falcons (E) over Rams
(Broadway Joe finished his career with the Rams, which is how I justify using this joke for this game.) Sources have revealed that Jake Gyllenhaal will play Joe Namath in a film depicting the Hall of Fame quarterback's life. No word on whether Heath Ledger has been cast as Suzy Kolber in the "I want to kiss you!" scene. LOSS

Browns (E) over Cardinals
In one of the less brilliant decisions of the season, Arizona elected to field a punt at its own two-yard line in overtime rather than letting the ball potentially bounce into the end zone for a touchback. Kurt Warner fumbled a snap in the end zone and the 49ers covered it for the touchdown and the win. People wonder why the Cardinals are mediocre year after year. The desert heat is obviously doing something to their cognitive functions. LOSS

Broncos (-3.5) over Raiders
Every single instinct I've had about the Broncos this year has been dead wrong. Therefore, I'm basing my selection for this game on my instinct that the Raiders consistently suck. LOSS

Saints (-3) over Bucs
Jeff Garcia is fighting a back injury and might not play this weekend. Bucs fans and Garcia's Playboy Playmate wife both want him to make a quick recovery, but for vastly different reasons. LOSS

Giants (-1.5) over Bears
Eli Manning's uncontrollable inferiority complex led him to seek to emulate big brother Peyton once again last week. Once again though, Eli proved inferior, throwing only four interceptions to Peyton's six. WIN

Bengals (+7) over Steelers
After Heinz Field became the biggest quagmire this side of Iraq last Monday night, the Steelers have decided to play the rest of their home games according to Canadian rules, hoping that awarding a single-point rouge for touchback punts and missed field goals actually allows teams to score during the first 59 minutes and 40 seconds of the game. LOSS

Patriots (-20.5) over Ravens
Having experienced my team barely eke out a win against the Eagles, I can now definitively say that blowing teams out of the water is much more fun. LOSS

BEST BET: Giants (-1.5) over Bears WIN
ELIMINATOR: New England Patriots WIN

THE MONKEY: Jets (+1) over Dolphins WIN

Big Ten Scheduling

I'm not the world's biggest college football fan, but as the season draws to a close, I have been paying attention to the goings-on in the NCAA FBS. It's pretty exciting. Naturally, I can't help but develop opinions about what I see unfolding before me. For the purposes of this series I'll call College Football Thoughts, we will assume that the BCS system actually has merit and will be here to stay indefinitely.

The Big Ten does its members a major disservice by ending its season the weekend before Thanksgiving. All of the other conferences remain in action the next weekend with various rivalry games and other league contests. The weekend afterward, the Big XII, ACC, and SEC have conference championships while the Pac-10 features the USC-UCLA game and the Big East showcases the Backyard Brawl between West Virginia and Pitt.

Last year, Ohio State looked thoroughly outmatched in the BCS championship game. After all, they hadn't played competitive football for the seven weeks prior to that game. Meanwhile, Michigan, which was idle for the final two weeks in the season could do nothing to make their case to the poll voters while Florida made its run to the SEC championship.

I'm sure that the Big Ten has valid reasons for ending its season so early (e.g. letting the student-athletes actually concentrate on school), but in this era of big money college sports, they need to rework their scheduling so that they don't drop out of the public consciousness. I understand that the Big Ten doesn't want to expand to include a twelfth team in order to gain the right to contest a lucrative conference championship game, which is fine, but they need to do something else to remain viable. Therefore, the conference needs to break with tradition, either by postponing the Michigan-Ohio State game by a week or two, or by scheduling games for another week or two after The Rivalry. With the advent of the twelve-game season, Big Ten teams now must play twelve games in a row without a break, then sit idle and lose their momentum while awaiting bowl season. There are more than twelve weeks in the season, so it would behoove the Big Ten to use all of them.

Top Five Worst Origin/Destination Airports (Domestic Edition)

1. Atlanta-Hartsfield
The MARTA offers a one-seat ride from downtown to the airport. The benefits of departing ATL end there. Once at the airport, you need to negotiate the horribly congested central security checkpoints, take the underground train to one of six parallel linear concourses, make your way above ground, and walk to your gate, which can be quite some distance if it's on either end of the concourse. There are no moving sidewalks within the concourses. But what puts ATL atop this list is the asinine procedure for international arrivals: After waiting for your bag and clearing customs, you must recheck your bag and clear security (including full shoe removal and liquid confiscation), even if you're not connecting to another flight. Then, you take the train to the main terminal and wait at the baggage claim for your luggage a second time.

2. New York-LaGuardia
The cramped plot of land that LaGuardia occupies makes you wonder how a major airport even functions in such a small area. Indeed, it barely functions, with takeoff queues a good 20 or 30 aircraft deep at peak times for one of two runways. On your way to the airport, you must figure out which cramped, undersized terminal houses your airline, which is a task made more complicated by the fact that certain airlines (i.e. Delta) depart from different locations depending on your destination. LaGuardia is relatively close to Manhattan, but there is no good public transit connection to the airport. You are left either taking a bus (and good luck finding guidance regarding which bus to take) or a lengthy taxi ride. As anyone who has been to New York knows, a short distance does not ensure a quick ride.

3. Las Vegas-McCarran
Ninety percent of the time, McCarran is satisfactorily efficient. But when it comes to peak travel periods (Friday evening arrivals, Sunday afternoon departures, and anytime immediately before or after a major convention), all hell breaks lose. The ticket counter area is too small to handle peak crowds, so lines routinely stretch out onto the sidewalk. The security checkpoints for the C and D gates are on a balcony cantilevered over the baggage claim. While airport authority has upgraded the area, it remains too small for peak crowds. Departing out of the D Gates (basically any domestic airline besides US Airways and Southwest) requires a train ride to a remote terminal. While waiting for your flight, you can make use of slot machines that have the worst odds in Vegas or purchase the most overpriced food at any airport in the country. Arriving at McCarran, assuming you survive the potentially intolerable wait for your bags, you are faced with what can be an hour-long wait in the taxi queue at peak times.

4. Washington-Dulles
Dulles is horrible for origin/destination traffic for all the same reasons that it sucks as a connecting airport, plus the fact that it has no connection to DC's otherwise comprehensive Metro rail system. Consolidated, central security checkpoints make for long waits in the mornings and late afternoons. Up until recently, they didn't even have special lanes for frequent fliers and first class passengers. Getting from the security area to your gate requires waiting for a mobile lounge, which is a glorious bus, to depart according to a fixed schedule (i.e. not yours). The food and entertainment offerings in the gate area are also lacking for an airport this size. If you're arriving from Latin America, you better hope your plane doesn't arrive early, since the customs officers are scheduled to show up at 7:00 a.m. and not a moment before.

5. Miami
Miami is the only airport I've visited in the 50 states where public address announcements are made first in Spanish, and only then (if at all) in English. You feel like a foreigner in your own country. Latin American flights arrive in the early morning hours, overwhelming the customs processing areas. Since most of the non-American passengers require visas, the process is predictably slower than at airport handling mainly trans-Atlantic international traffic. Security checkpoints are in cramped quarters atop escalators, requiring passengers to wait in line before being allowed to go upstairs and wait in line. (To its credit, I have reason to believe that since my last visit to MIA, the airport has engaged in renovations that will alleviate these bottlenecks.) If you're driving to the airport (and there's really no other effective way to get there), you're stuck on one of two oft-crowded expressways.

Turkey Bowl XVIII Recap

It was a mild Thanksgiving afternoon, though the field at the Littleton Middle School was enshrouded in fog, making it difficult to see all the way from one end zone to the other. Of course, the Turkey Bowl is played on a 50-yard field, keeping visibility from becoming an issue until the inevitable onset of darkness. With several of our usual players missing, Turkey Bowl XVIII would be an intimate, four-on-four, family affair. In a departure from usual tradition, this game would be played by flag football rules rather than as two-hand touch.

I was joined on my team by Chuck Gould (my uncle), Tiana Gould (Chuck's younger daughter), and Nadine Nadow (my cousin). The opponents were anchored by Travis Nadow (Nadine's brother), accompanied by Melyssa Nadow (Nadine and Travis' sister), Sherry Gould (mother to the three Nadows), and Monique Gould (Chuck's older daughter).

The game got off to an inauspicious start when Chuck fumbled the opening kickoff and Travis recovered the loose ball. But Travis' team went three-and-out and punted the ball away. My team recovered, and within two plays -- one of which was a well-executed trick play where Nadine handed Tiana the ball and proceeded to pick her up and carry her down the field -- drew first blood. Travis quickly responded with a touchdown of his own, taking advantage of a blitz to scramble out of the pocket and run down the field.

Much of the game was a defensive struggle, with dropped passes, interceptions, punts, and nary a first down. At one point, I tipped a pass into my hands for an interception and took it to the end zone for a 14-7 lead that was quickly nullified when Travis returned the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown of his own.

As the game wore down, I laid a nasty block on Travis after a punt, knocking him to the ground and allowing Nadine to return the ball to the end zone. But Travis responded once again with a touchdown return on the ensuing kickoff. My team then found itself on the 15-yard line after yet another strong kick return, looking to go ahead for good. A run by Tiana put us in prime position but our offense stalled on the six and we were forced to turn the ball over on downs. Travis and Melyssa did their best to advance the ball, but on fourth-and-two from their own 14, Travis' pass fell incomplete.

The onset of nightfall ensured that my team's drive would be the last of the game. The decreased visibility would also pose a challenge. At 21-21, the worst we could do was tie. A quick dump-off to Nadine looked to be the game-winner until Melyssa pulled her flag at the one-yard line. The play was long enough for a first down, giving us four shots at the end zone. On first down, Travis and Melyssa blitzed, pulling my flag for a three-yard loss before I could throw the ball away. My second down pass to Nadine was incomplete. On third down, with visibility rapidly waning, Tiana and I misconnected with the snap and the ball rolled away. I covered it, but we had lost seven yards and had to go for it on fourth-and-goal from the ten.

Knowing that it would be the game's final play, I looked over the middle to where Nadine and Chuck were crossing. One of them tipped the pass in an attempt to catch it, but Travis was able to intercept it and turned on the jets in attempt to take it all the way back. He eluded Nadine and Chuck and I dove to catch him as he ran by me. I took a swipe at his flag but Travis was too quick and without apparently touching the flag, I proceeded to watch him run the length of the field. Suddenly, I realized that Travis' flag was lying on the ground near where I had tried to grab it. I ran over, picked it up, pointed it out to the other team, and insisted that play was dead. Travis' team, on the other hand, claimed victory, arguing that nobody had actually caught him and he would have made it to the end zone had his flag not fallen out.

It was a controversial finish -- one that will have to wait until next year to be resolved. Including Turkey Bowl IV, I have a 12-1-2 record in these games, counting this year's edition as a tie. Maybe next time we'll have more receptions than interceptions. With some of our best weapons back in the game, an improved performance is all but assured.