Top Five Baseball Mascots

1. Phillie Phanatic, Philadelphia Phillies
I don't quite know what this thing is, but I do know that the Phanatic is the quintessential baseball mascot. He's big and green and lovable and he drives around the field on an ATV. He's probably the only thing associated with Philadelphia sports that doesn't get booed on a routine basis.

2. Youppi!, Montreal Expos
Youppi! (yes, the exclamation point is part of his name) is the Phanatic's orange cousin from the Great White North. Again, I don't know what he is or what he was supposed to do, but I do remember him hanging out with the kids smoking marijuana in the upper level of the stands in Olympic Stadium. Youppi! is the first crossover mascot in professional sports, since once the Expos left town for Washington, Youppi! found himself with a job offer from the Canadiens of the NHL.

3. Bernie Brewer, Milwaukee Brewers
Bernie Brewer has one of the best jobs in sports. In the old County Stadium, he had his own private chalet in left field from which he got to watch the game. Then, whenever one of the hometown players hit a home run, Bernie slid down from his chalet into a gigantic mug of beer. In the new Miller Park, the chalet has been replaced with a "dugout" and the mug has been replaced with a platform. Leave it to Bud Selig to take the fun out of the one thing the Brewers had going for them.

4. Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
Oh, my mistake. I thought the guy in left field with the big head and the disproportionately-sized arms was the mascot, not a player.

5. Mr. Met, New York Mets
Mr. Met is an oversized person with a baseball for a head and a constant smile on his face. He has a baseball-headed wife (Mrs. Met, or Lady Met) and three baseball-headed children. You might recognize them from their "This is SportsCenter" commercial on ESPN. He just freaks me out, okay?

Honorable Mention #1: Wally the Green Monster, Boston Red Sox
Supposedly, he lived in the left field wall of Fenway park and awoke from a lengthy hibernation in 1997. Traditionalists were appalled. He threw out the first pitch on Kids' Opening Day and was roundly booed. But thanks to Jerry Remy, who made Wally an inanimate but regular part of the NESN broadcasting team, Red Sox Nation has gradually warmed to Wally. Heck, the team wasn't doing so hot without a mascot and it won the World Series with him onboard, so how can you be angry?

Honorable Mention #2: Chief Noc-A-Homa, Atlanta Braves
Back when you could get away with creating caricatures of racial stereotypes, the Atlanta Braves had a guy dressed up like an Indian who would sit in a teepee in the bleachers, and whenever one of the Braves hit a home run, he would emerge and do an Indian dance. Ah, the good old days, back before everyone was hypersensitive about everything.