Top Five Ridiculous WWE Gimmicks

SI.com did their own version of this list a couple of days ago, so I wanted to chime in with my opinion.

1. Isaac Yankem, DDS
He was introduced by Jerry "The King" Lawler as his evil dentist, after Lawler had his foot shoved into his own mouth. Yankem was supposed to play off people's supposed fear of dentists. He didn't last long in the WWF.

2. Irwin R. Schyster
The wrestler known as IRS was an evil former tax collector from Washington D.C. He would get on the microphone before his matches and demand that the audience members pay their taxes. He would also wrestle wearing dress pants and a shirt and tie. You really need to be scraping the bottom of the barrel to think that an evil accountant was a good idea.

3. Honky Tonk Man
The Honky Tonk Man was an Elvis impersonator that carried a guitar to the ring. Naturally, the guitar ended up being smashed over other wrestler's heads more than once.

4. Kamala, The Ugandan Giant
This wrestler was portrayed as a savage from the jungles of sub-Saharan Africa. He wore tribal war paint on his face and chest. Once he knocked a wrester out, he would try to cover him with his stomach facing downward, only to have his manager repeatedly gesture to turn his opponent over. He was also afraid of coffins, the sight of which (usually brought out by The Undertaker) would cause him to flee the ring. Not only was this gimmick stupid, it smacked of racism.

5. Mean Street Posse
Joey Abs, Pete Gas, and Rodney were Shane McMahon's childhood buddies who became members of his posse. They grew up on the mean streets of Greenwich, Conn. I understand the intentional irony, especially since they wrestled in dress pants and sweater vests. But they were still really lame.

Playing The Species Card

"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property. It's his dog. If that's what he wants to do, do it." - Clinton Portis

"Now, granted he might have been to a dogfight a time or two, maybe five times, maybe 20 times, may have bet some money, but he's not the one you're after." - Emmitt Smith

"I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It's like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn't tap out when he knows he can't win." - Deion Sanders

Some might say it's a cultural thing (black culture, perhaps? professional athlete culture?), but even it is, dogfighting is a barbaric, abhorrent practice. Some might say that Michael Vick is being unfairly singled out, perhaps because of his race, perhaps because of his celebrity, but the fact of the matter is that if you're caught engaging in or facilitating this bloodsport, you deserve to have the book thrown at you. No matter how hard his increasingly out of touch cronies protest otherwise, dogfighting is completely unacceptable. Maybe the feds actually are trying to make an example out of Vick, but if he's duly convicted as charged, he should be punished to the full extent of the law. For the NAACP to come out and support Michael Vick the way they have just plain looks bad.

In this country, you are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. We all learned from the Duke lacrosse case how damaging a premature rush to judgment can be. But there's a difference between reserving judgment and rushing to someone's side in support, particularly when you're a racial advocacy group. By getting involved, the NAACP looks like they're playing the race card in a last-ditch attempt to help him dodge the charges, giving the appearance that protecting one of their own, no matter what, is more important than seeing the perpetrator of these misdeeds properly punished. Alternatively, it might also look like they're saying that dogfighting isn't that bad to begin with. Neither scenario is ideal.

In my humble opinion, the NAACP is not doing their constituents any favors. While I might not always agree with their methodology, their stated mission is a noble one. For the good of that mission, it might be wise for the NAACP to shut their mouths and quietly stand off to the side.

A Tolerable Dose Of Pretension

Huge crowds with loud music and overpriced drinks are not my idea of a fun evening out. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I tend to dutifully avoid so-called clubs and ultralounges. I really don't see the point.

That all changed Friday night, when, at the vehement behest of co-workers, I accompanied a group of people to Gypsy Bar in downtown Boston. My presence was subject to the agreement that I was free to leave, without protest, anytime after the first 20 minutes. As it turned out, I stayed for two and a half hours.

It became very obvious to me that clubs and ultralounges are designed to give insecure people the opportunity to purchase self-validation. Assuming you're wearing the proper uniform (untucked button-down shirt and jeans for guys, tube tops and strappy heels for ladies) you can penetrate the velvet rope for the opportunity to pay a cover charge for the right to see the inside, thus leaving in your wake all those other people still forced to wait on the street. Then, if you're willing to commit to buying a certain number of overpriced drinks over the course of a night, you can get a table and look down on all the peons forced to stand on the dance floor. If you're really a big spender, you can even obtain your own semi-private alcove, complete with your own bartender, and separated from the masses by a mesh screen which allows people to look in and see how important you are without being able to actually come in contact with you. Feeling good about yourself is only a few hundred bucks away.

Despite the fact that the club turned out to be the exact same place I cynically thought it would be, I actually enjoyed it. With my law firm salary, I was okay dropping ten bucks on a vodka tonic. Since we had such a large group, we had no problem meeting the $300 minimum that our de facto leader was able to negotiate for a table. Therefore, I could hang out at our near our table, away from the ever-burgeoning crowd on the dance floor. The DJ did a great job mixing (which I don't consider much of a talent unless you're really good at it, so that's a huge complement) minute-long snippets of songs from a variety of artists ranging from Aerosmith to the Black-Eyed Peas. Finally, and most importantly, I had a supportive group of friends encouraging me to enjoy myself, which really made me relax and not feel like I needed to impress anyone. I survived until 11:30 before calling it quits, which was a hugely successful night for me.

Yeah, I had fun. And I'd consider doing it again. But the most important thing I learned is that the right group of people can make all the difference.

Yeah, THIS Will Make Us Safer

They are the foot soldiers on the front lines of the war on terror. You never know which 75-year-old grandmother could be hiding 3.6 ounces of liquid and a torch lighter in her orthotic shoes, so the Transportation Security Administration makes it their mission to screen them all. Al Qaeda could be on the very next commercial flight out of Biloxi, so no precaution the TSA takes is too strong. These brave men and women put themselves in harm's way across the country every day. The next disgruntled Continental passenger selected for secondary could very well be strapped with explosives and nails, ready to pull the cord and take out himself and everyone else in sight at Checkpoint B2.

Some might say that our money is better spent hunting down the real terrorists or installing explosive-detecting x-ray scanners that can actually distinguish latent explosives from toothpaste. But our security interests are best served by issuing screeners, er, officers snappy new royal blue uniforms, complete with real badges and police-style striped trousers. For those of you keeping track, it's the third generation of uniforms since the TSA was established in November 2001 (fourth if you consider when the TSA had to replace the logo patch when TSA moved from the Department of Transportation to Homeland Security). Commercial airline passengers pay $2.50 per flight segment so that the TSA can do its job, but much more importantly, so the TSA can look spiffy. My favorite part is where they have to put the TSA values on the patch to remind themselves of what it means to run airport security. I guess that "Abusing Power Through Needless Harassment Of Low-Threat Passengers" was too long to fit.

The Host Is Right

Nobody can possibly replace Bob Barker. But for The Price Is Right to continue its 6,371 episode run, somebody needed to step into Barker's shoes. Many people (some famous, some not-so-much) auditioned for the role. CBS was in no hurry to make a decision, allowing Barker to ride off into the sunset with no clue as to who his successor would be or when he would be named. TPIR's future was uncertain.

Until today. CBS made a fantastic decision in selecting Drew Carey as the new host of The Price Is Right. The self-effacing, happy-go-lucky, impeccably likeable Carey is a dynamite choice to take over the show. Barker was a tall, dark, and handsome commanding presence that you knew was calling the shots on that show. Colorful contestants would come and go, but the star was Barker. While someone like John O'Hurley could pull off that leading man role, CBS went in a different direction. Like he did in Who's Line Is It Anyway, Carey will inject his talent for off-the-cuff humor into the now-familiar pricing games without demanding (or even desiring) that people bow down and worship at the altar of him.

Carey is one of the nice guys of Hollywood -- a true everyman, an average Joe. For a show that's all about giving regular people their chance to "Come on Down!" and enjoy the spotlight for a few minutes, Carey is the perfect fit. Plus, he's a huge soccer fan and a libertarian. How could I not love the man?

Top Five MBTA Rapid Transit Lines

Okay, so there are only five to begin with, making this list both the top five and the bottom five, but I'll put them in order.

1. Red Line
The Red Line has the most spacious trains of all MBTA lines. It also runs quite frequently during rush hours (though maybe less so during off-peak times, especially if you specifically need an Ashmont-bound or Braintree-bound train). It also covers a vast amount of territory, traveling the length of Cambridge, through downtown Boston, touching Southie, then either into Dorchester or through Dorchester en route to Quincy and Braintree. Now that they got rid of those annoying exit fares at the Quincy Adams station, the park-and-ride from south of Boston into downtown or Cambridge is the best transportation value in the city. Also, the sector that goes above-ground to cross the Longfellow Bridge is arguably the most scenic part of the whole system.

2. Green Line
The Green Line is the most varied (or schizophrenic) part of the system. Downtown, it acts like a standard subway with underground tunnels and fare-controlled stations. The B and C lines operate at grade in a reservation in the middle of the road, stopping as often as a bus and being subject to traffic lights and the like. The D line is almost like a commuter rail line, with a dedicated right-of-way. As for the E line, it's the last remaining part of active street trackage in Boston -- trolleys and cars use the same stretch of roads. The good thing about the Green Line is that you can take it pretty much anywhere you might want to go in Boston, Allston, Brighton, or Brookline. It also touches most (though not all) of the villages in Newton. The bad thing is that the small cars get very crowded and the at-grade portions can be glacial, between the frequent stops for traffic lights and the one-at-a-time boarding through the single door with a farebox.

3. Blue Line
I don't have much of anything bad to say about the Blue Line, but I don't have much of anything good either. The portion of the Blue Line that goes downtown can be covered on foot almost as quickly as it can underground. Unless you want to go to Eastie or Revere, there's not much point to the Blue Line. It does stop at the airport (well, technically, at a station near the airport where you must transfer to a bus), but the Silver Line has made the Blue Line Airport station partially irrelevant. The cars are short, the frequencies are less than optimal, and some of the downtown stations are in less than pristine shape (soon to be renovated though). However, I've never found the Blue Line particularly crowded.

4. Orange Line
The Orange Line gets awfully crowded during rush hour. Thank goodness it's the one time of day they actually run trains more than once every 12-15 minutes. Other times of day, the wait can seem interminable. The stations on the northern sector of this line are classic examples of early 70's-era concrete architecture and the southern stations are in one long trench, so there isn't much to look at on this line (except maybe the Boston Sand & Gravel rock piles). You can use the Green Line to reach anything of interest downtown that the Orange Line happens to go near, so unless you're looking for a sightseeing trip to Malden, Roxbury, or Jamaica Plain, you should skip the Orange.

5. Silver Line
The Silver Line is Boston's pathetic excuse for the old Washington Street elevated. When the Orange Line was rerouted in 1987, some of the poorest neighborhoods in the city had their rail service replaced with a bus. After years of promising an improvement, the MBTA came through in 2002, replacing the bus with a newer bus. The MBTA calls it bus rapid transit, since part of it runs through a designated bus-only lane, but it only takes one double-parked jackass to gum up the works. Also, in the downtown sector, there are no dedicated lanes, so the buses are just as subject to normal traffic conditions as passenger cars are. To be fair, the Waterfront branch does provide three stations in a dedicated tunnel before the Silver Line becomes a regular bus. Also, I like that the Silver Line provides a one-seat ride from South Station to your airport terminal of choice, if you can manage to dodge the people trying to snake gigantic suitcases down the narrow aisle of a 57-foot articulated bus.

Top Five Least Likable Reality Show Contestants (2007 Edition)

1. Dre "Dreamz" Heard, Survivor 14
Dreamz would qualify for the reality show Hall of Shame in a heartbeat. You know the story by now: ultimate underdog Yau-Man Chan made a deal with Dreamz, trading him the car he won in a reward challenge for Dreamz' promise to give him the immunity necklace, should he win it, when only four contestants were left. Sure enough, things played out perfectly, and with the immunity necklace in hand, Dreamz spent all his time proclaiming how he was a man of his word who needed to set a good example for his son. But at the final tribal council, when asked if he wanted to give it up, he refused. His betrayal led to Yau-Man's prompt eviction.

2. Aaron Song, Hell's Kitchen 3
The obese Asian cowboy couldn't seem to get through a dinner service without bursting out crying or passing out from heat exhaustion or wandering around the dining room introducing himself to the customers for no reason whatsoever or failing to debone a filet of dover sole in less than fifteen minutes. He was a disaster from his sobfest in the very first challenge, and things went downhill from there. There was so much material to work with that Chef Ramsey didn't know where to begin, and yet, went remarkably easy on Aaron (comparatively speaking, that is). To the surprise of absolutely nobody, he was rushed to the hospital in the third episode and disqualified from the show.

3. Jen Johnson, Big Brother 8
Jen is a self-centered drama queen attention whore with a propensity to break down into tears and sob relentlessly when she sees a picture of herself that she doesn't like and a complete inability to talk (in a horribly grating voice, mind you) about anyone or anything besides herself. Oh, and need we mention the collection of obnoxious t-shirts such as "Jenius", "Jensa Member", "Jenth Degree", and "Jenuine"? Never in my life have I met a person who feels the need to wear articles of clothing displaying their name and complementary things they think about themselves. (After all, isn't that what a blog is for?)

4. John Lakness, Pirate Master
I only watched one episode of this crappy show, but it was enough to see a kid who lived down the street and passed himself off as a scientist-slash-chippendale-dancer (yeah, right). He put on this ridiculous Captain Jack Sparrow routine, talking in a whisper, making gratuitous use of his hands, and weirding out every single woman on the boat within the first day. Then, he had the nerve to insist that he be named captain of the ship after his team won the first challenge. I know the kid well enough to be pretty sure it was all an act, but still, it was lesson one in how not to win a reality show.

5. Eric Sanchez and Danielle Turner, Amazing Race All-Stars
First of all, these two didn't even deserve to be on the race. They didn't race together the first time, and while Eric and his buddy Jeremy came in second, the spent the entire race being rude to everyone and trying to pick up women. And they have pierced nipples -- disgusting. Danielle and girlfriend Dani didn't do so hot the first time around, and the second time through, about all Danielle added was a large set of breasts. The final roadblock turned on essentially which team gossiped the most, and to nobody's surprise, Eric and Danielle came away the least deserving winners in Amazing Race history.

List Of Observation Towers I've Visited

Included in this list are manmade structures, be they towers or habitable buildings, that include some sort of observation deck as a selling point. Structures of minimal height atop natural hills do not count. (* denotes observation deck no longer accessible)

United States
Empire State Building, New York, New York
JP Morgan Chase Tower, Houston, Texas
Prudential Tower, Boston, Massachusetts
Space Needle, Seattle, Washington
Statue of Liberty, New York, New York*
World Trade Center, New York, New York*

Europe
Cathedral de Notre Dame, Paris, France
Eiffel Tower, Paris, France
Florence Cathedral (Il Duomo), Florence, Italy
Hallgrimskirkja, Reykjavik, Iceland
Olympiaturm, Munich, Germany
St. Paul's Cathedral, London, England
St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican City
St. Peter's Church, Munich, Germany
St. Stephen's Cathedral, Vienna, Austria
St. Vitus' Cathedral, Prague, Czech Republic
Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain

Rest of the World
Cairo Tower, Cairo, Egypt
Menara KL, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Sky Tower, Auckland, New Zealand
Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, Tokyo, Japan

Sleep Tight!

I spent the last two Saturdays on a quest to replace the bed I've owned since the second Reagan administration. Mattress shopping is similar to car shopping, in that you do it infrequently enough for there to be a gross imbalance in knowledge between you and the salesperson. The potential for scams, or at least underhanded treatment of customers, is rife.

Enter Jordan's Furniture, a Boston-area mainstay closely identified with its pony-tailed former owners, brothers Barry and Elliott Tatelman. Their homespun, internally-produced advertisements and their corny slogans have been instrumental in creating a hugely successful business. But equally instrumental is Jordan's sales strategy of being upfront with customers and being genuinely interested in putting them in the best possible bed at the best possible value, whether or not they buy it at their store.

On my first trip to Jordan's the saleswoman patiently walked me around the showroom, having me try a bunch of different beds in a price range I identified up front. While I found one I initially liked, I decided I was remiss if I didn't comparison shop. To my complete surprise, the saleswoman didn't take offense at all. Instead, she told me to take note of the specifications of the bed, since the model names varied by store. She instructed me to expect salespeople who want to haggle over prices and told me not to let them know I had been to Jordan's until the end of the process.

My comparison store was Mattress Giant. Initially I did not see anybody in the store, but once I walked inside, I saw a shape roll off one of the beds in the back, tidy himself up, and come and greet me at the front of the store. He immediately guided me to the most expensive bed, explaining to me that I shouldn't worry about price until later. Once I finally settled on a bed (with minimal assistance besides, "How does that feel? Okay, now try this one.") he named the price, fully expecting me to balk. Then, he went through the whole routine of checking the binders to see what they were recently on sale for, then making a call to the warehouse to see if anything was overstocked and available for immediate sale at a discounted price (lo and behold, there was). Not willing to be a part of this marionette routine, I walked out.

I returned to Jordan's this past Saturday, spending about 90 minutes sampling pretty much every mattress under $1000 in the entire showroom. Once I found one I absolutely loved (and by loved, I mean couldn't stop hopping onto), I called a salesman over and asked a couple of questions. Even though I was a fish caught on the hook ready to be reeled in, he insisted on showing me other models, checking out my spinal alignment as I laid down on each one. I tried the others, but stuck by the bed I had fallen in love with. I paid the sticker price, which, according to my online research, was a very fair price for that type of bed, especially since it included free delivery.

Sometimes, when you make such a large purchase, you are struck by an immediate case of buyer's remorse. You feel like a sucker and you wonder how much cheaper you could have obtained the merchandise. At Jordan's, I was absolutely thrilled to plunk down over a grand on a bed, with a mattress pad and a frame. I felt like a valued customer and a fellow human being, not like some fattened goose, ripe for the picking. Jordan's is now owned by Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway, but smartly, Buffett has not changed a thing since the Tatelman regime. By treating me with respect and putting my happiness above their cash flow line item on their balance sheet, they've earned a customer for life.

Ice Cream Surprise

You know what drives me nuts? The taste of wood on my tongue. I am repulsed by tongue depressors and popsicle sticks alike. It makes eating ice cream bars a dangerous experience. I can enjoy the first third of the bar just fine, but as you approach the halfway point, I need to start biting away gingerly, starting from the side of the bar and gradually working my way to the middle, always wary that any moment, that horrible wooden stick will pop up and rub against my teeth. Once the stick is located, eating the bar becomes an excavation task, with the goal of consuming as much ice cream as possible while making minimum contact with the wood. Finally, once all the ice cream is gone -- or at least most of it, since I won't be licking any last remnants off the wood -- you can throw that infernal instrument of oral torture away and be done with it.

I like ice cream sandwiches and sports bars better. With no stick to worry about, I can throw caution to the wind and just munch away, knowing that no rude interruptions will be awaiting me.

Top Five Ways To Improve The All-Star Game

Last year at this time, we discussed the five things that make the Midsummer Classic an event worth looking forward to. Today, we examine the five ways that MLB can make it even better.

1. Include a DH at all parks
Currently, the All-Star Game goes by the same rules as interleague play. When it's in an AL stadium, teams get a designated hitter. When it's hosted by an NL team, the pitcher must bat. I doubt anyone is watching the game solely on the off chance that Jake Peavy gets to take a few hacks at the plate. As it stands now, the AL is playing a full-time DH in David Ortiz at first base while otherwise deserving teammate Kevin Youkilis will be watching from home. Since the pitcher never hits anyway unless the home team bats around in the first inning, why not just get rid of the pretense and play with the DH every year?

2. If you're selected, you must play
Almost as intriguing as guessing who will make the All-Star team is guessing which selectees will opt out because of injury, phony injury, or lack of desire. The game is all about the fans, and the fans are the ones who pay your bloated paychecks. So, give us a little bit of respect, and show up and play. Your only excuse is if you're on the DL, and even then, while someone else gets your spot, you still need to show up and be introduced before the game. Oh, and if you're a starter who gets lifted after the third inning, do us a favor and stick around till the end, okay?

3. Get rid of the one player minimum per team rule
All-Star rosters consist of 32 players. Of those 32, 29 or 30 deserve to be there. The others play for the Royals, or Pirates, or Nationals, or Devil Rays (though Carl Crawford is a bona fide selection this year). As a result, guys like Gil Meche get to call themselves All-Stars, solely because they're the least bad player on a weak team. I doubt there are many folks in Kansas City who wouldn't watch but for the chance to see Meche pitch to two batters in the bottom of the sixth.

4. Curb voter fraud
According to a report that came out yesterday, Barry Bonds earned a place in the All-Star starting lineup the same way he achieved most of his other milestones over the past six or seven years -- by cheating. A group of computer jockeys confessed to delivering 600,000 extra votes to Bonds over the waning days of the selection process. In the old days, stuffing the ballot box required amassing a whole bunch of those paper ballots in one place, getting a team of people to punch out the right holes, and shipping them back to MLB. Today, all it takes is a 20-something nerd who figures out how to write a recursive program that bypasses MLB's online security protocols in order to inject some virtual HGH into their favorite player's vote total.

5. Let someone besides Fox cover the game
Tim McCarver ranks right up there with Jerry Glanville and Joe Theismann (sure, we'll throw Bill Walton into the mix as well) as most annoying announcer ever. Joe Buck is tolerable but only when he's not being artifically overdramatic, which works out to every fourth or fifth batter. Plus, Fox is the all-time champion when it comes to gratuitous bells and whistles. Just call the game, already. I can do without Jeanne Zelasko and the contrived pre-game show. I can also do without the in-game cutaways to the studio when there isn't even another game going on with highlights to show. Why not just let Don Orsillo and the Remdawg call the game? Or at least Jon Miller and Joe Morgan from ESPN (not Chris Berman, though), who know when to give way to the actual game?

Rite or Wrong?

Pope Benedict XVI recently granted parish priests the authority to decide to celebrate the old Tridentine Mass, should a sufficient number of their parishoners demand it. Previously, if priests wanted to celebrate the pre-Vatican II Latin Mass, they needed permission from their bishop, and that permission was rarely granted.

Notwithstanding the fact that the Good Friday liturgy of the Latin Mass includes a prayer to convert the Jews, I welcome the news (and apologies in advance if I unwittingly fudge Catholic theology). There's just something special about praying in a sacred language. I know that the miracle of transubstantiation takes place whether the the priest says "Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus" or "Holy, holy, holy," but the latter just lacks panache. I believe that G-d understands many languages, but when you address Him in His own tongue, I feel that it's more respectful and that He's more apt to listen closely.

Furthermore, there's something very unifying about a common language of prayer employed worldwide. I've attended Friday night Kabbalat Shabbat services on three different continents, and on each one, "Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad" sounds exactly the same. It's pretty special to walk into a synagogue halfway around the world and not miss a beat. The Latin Mass would be celebrated across the globe in a nearly identical manner. (Plus, centuries of classical music were written with the Latin Mass in mind. And also, it sounds really cool.)

One particularly commendable aspect of Benedict's proclamation is that it allows the readings that compose the Liturgy of the Word (which can be read by laypeople) to be given in the vernacular. It makes perfect sense. In the Liturgy of the Eucharist, the parishoners (through the priest) speak to G-d and praise him. In the Liturgy of the Word, G-d speaks to the parishoners, presenting them with life lessons as recorded in the Bible. The people must be able to listen, so the readings should be in a language they understand.

While some condemn the reauthorization of the Latin Mass as a return to the insular, xenophobic, pre-1960's Church, I emphasize that the celebration of the Latin Mass is purely voluntary, taking place at the request of parishoners. In a big step for the usually autocratic Catholic Church, the pope is allowing each individual parish to decide how it wishes to express its faith. What a novel concept.

Oh Brother, Part VIII

Thursday saw the season premiere of the newest installment of everybody's favorite summer reality television borefest, Big Brother. Each year, I bitch and moan about how ridiculous the show is and what a huge time commitment it entails and how I can't be bothered to watch it. And each year, I watch the first episode and I'm hooked.

This year is no exception. Fortunately, the Big Brother house has been blessed with the delightfully catty ex-couple of Dustin and Joe. No holds are barred in their verbal slapfight, especially since Joe felt the need to confess to the other houseguests, mere hours after meeting them, that he "immaculately conceived" gonorrhea, thanks to his former partner. Also interesting for her potential to contract foot-in-mouth disease, is bible-thumping Kail, who expressed how displeased she would be if one of her children chose a gay lifestyle, since we all know that sexuality is entirely a matter of choice and that people willing open themselves up to gay-bashing because they have complete choice in the matter.

What continues to drive me nuts is Big Brother's continuing reliance on aspiring-model hardbodies, to the point where people come into the house scouting out others to hook up with, rather than people to ally with. I know they're targetting it to the younger demographic, but shows like Survivor do a much better job of presenting a cross-section of society (especially lately, with the multicultural casts). But first, would it kill Julie Chen to eat a hamburger, so that her body isn't dwarfed by her hairdo. How does that woman still have a job, anyway? Oh yeah, she's sleeping with the president of CBS.

New Seven Wonders Announced

The final selections for the new seven wonders of the world have been announced. They join the Pyramids of Giza, the sole survivor of the original compilation, and are as follows:

Chichen Itza, Mexico
The Colosseum, Rome, Italy
Christ the Redeemer, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
The Great Wall of China
Machu Picchu, Peru
Petra, Jordan
Taj Mahal, Agra, India

If you remember from the other day, five of the seven wonders I selected made this list. Replacing the Eiffel Tower with Chichen Itza is something I have no problem with. I admitted that the Eiffel Tower was a dark horse, and as I was doing my research for these postings, Chichen Itza really intrigued me. I regretted that I did not have space to include it, to the point where I almost second guessed my omission.

My only beef is with the inclusion of Christ the Redeemer. While it is a striking statue in an amazing location, let's be honest -- Mother Nature did 95% of the work. I think that its place on the list is more a function of Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva's aggressive campaigning among his people rather than global recognition of the statue as one the world's seven greatest icons. Angkor Wat is more worthy.

The Ultimate Seven World Wonders

And now, here is the list you've been waiting for! Bernhard Weber be damned, I'm throwing out his rules and naming the seven structures I believe constitute a modern set of wonders of the world.

1. The Pyramids, Giza, Egypt
When the Pyramids were listed as a nominee for Weber's list, the Egyptian government protested. As the sole survivor of Herodotus' ancient list, the Egyptians were furious that they would have to compete with all sorts of Johnny-come-latelies for reinclusion. I think that the Egyptians would have absolutely nothing to worry about. After all, when Herodotus made his list 2000 years ago, the Pyramids were still considered ancient. In addition to surviving all these years, the Pyramids are massive and mystical.

2. The Great Wall, China
Nothing can quite match the Pyramids in terms of mystique or staying power, but the Great Wall blows it away when it comes to mass. We extolled the virtues of Qin Shi Huangdi great creation yesterday, but think about this for a second: it's 4,000 miles long. That's like building a wall from New York to Los Angeles (via Atlanta and Seattle, of course). The huge asterisk is that not all of the wall survives (or was ever built), but even with the omissions, the scale is still ridiculous.

3. Taj Mahal, Agra, India
Maybe it's not as big as the Great Wall (then again, nothing is), but the Taj is a marvel from both an engineering and an aesthetic standpoint. One thing that makes the Taj such a wonderful structure (aside for the incredibly comforting four-way symmetry) is the fact that the Mogul architectural style combines elements of the Persian, Turkish, Arabic, and Indian traditions, which is perfect for its place at the cross roads of civilizations along the trade routes to the Far East.

4. Lalibela, Ethiopia
While other places in the world are home to churches that are hewn out of rock, none are like those that the medieval Ethiopians constructed at Lalibela. Each of the twelve free-standing subterranean churches is carved from solid rock, which means that people excavated the earth around them and carved away at rock both inside and outside, leaving a shell of rock as the building with a roof level with the ground. These churches aren't just amorphous hunks of rock either -- they are finely sculpted pieces of architecture, standing several stories high, and still being used even today.

5. St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican City
Maybe it wasn't carved out of a single rock, but the interior of St. Peter's Basilica is downright awe-inspiring. Nowhere else have I seen marble that is glisteningly smooth with colors that are so vivid. The mid-afternoon sun filtering down from the skylights above complete the heavenly experience. If there is one structure on earth that single-handedly can inspire an atheist to believe in a higher power, St. Peter's is it.

6. World Trade Center, New York, United States
At the time it was built, the World Trade Center was the tallest building on earth. Actually, buildings. There were two of them, you know. What distinguished the Twin Towers, besides their size (each tower had its own exclusive ZIP code) was the fact that they were sheer rectangular prisms. The square footage of the first floor was identical to that of the 101st floor. You stood at the bottom and you could see all the way to the top. And to make things difficult, it was built on landfill reclaimed from the Hudson River. After the events of 9/11/01, is wonderful structure has been resigned to our collective memories, but it deserves a spot on my list.

7. Burj Dubai, Dubai, United Arab Emirates
Well, it won't be completed until 2009, but I won't let that little technicality stand in my way. As mentioned before, it's exact height is a closely-guarded secret, but at an estimated height in excess of 2,600 feet, it will be almost 50% taller than the next highest free-standing structure. As of right now, it is three floors away from becoming the tallest building ever, and they're nowhere close to finishing. For perspective, imagine standing atop Corcovado in Rio de Janeiro and then looking up to see the top of a building. It blows my mind.

6a. Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
7a. CN Tower, Toronto, Canada
If I force myself to stick to the criteria on Weber's list, only deviating from the pre-selected list of nominees, I'd need to replace the World Trade Center (which does not exist anymore today) and the Burj Dubai (which does not yet exist today). We'll replace the World Trade Center with another set of twin towers -- just as tall, though a bit more architecturally gentle -- and we'll replace the Burj with what is currently the world's tallest free-standing tower, and let it enjoy the fleeting final years (months, perhaps) of its reign.

The Top Seven Wonders

...at least as drawn from the nominees on Bernhard Weber's list.

1. Eiffel Tower, Paris, France
A bit of a dark horse, the Eiffel Tower is nowhere near as massive nor ornate as many of the other wonders on this list. It was, however, the tallest structure in the world when constructed. What puts the Le Tour Eiffel on my list, however, is how fragile it feels when you climb up it. The tower is constructed from exposed steel girders, which were designed to be temporary. When you look down, you see a lot of empty space boxed in by a little bit of grillework. It's one of those structures that cause you to be amazed that it's still standing.

2. Petra, Jordan
You access Petra by walking down a steep, narrow gorge. You can see the remnants of statues on the sides, but you wonder to yourself what's so impressive about this place anyway. All of a sudden, you reach the Siq -- the mouth of the gorge -- at which point the rock walls open up and you see a gigantic treasury carved into the brilliantly colored rose-red rock (you might recognize it as the resting place of the Holy Grail from the third Indiana Jones movie). Other temples abound in the rock further down the valley. You wonder to yourself who came up with the absurd idea of carving buildings into the sides of cliffs. Absurd or not, the results are masterful.

3. The Colosseum, Rome, Italy
It is one of the best preserved Roman ruins, along with one of the most iconic. Climbing around in the stadium, you can picture yourself watching the gladiatorial contests of two millennia ago, where the likes of Spartacus and Maximus did battle against other warriors and wild beasts. What amazes me most about the 50,000-seat Colosseum is that if you would restore it to its original condition, it would rival many present-day college football stadia.

4. Machu Picchu, Peru
Machu Picchu is largely in ruins today. While the foundations remain, our imaginations are forced to picture for themselves what the ancient Inca city looked like in three dimensions. What puts Machu Picchu on this list (beyond the intricate stonework, by which you cannot fit a knife in between many of the rocks) is the way the Incas tamed nature. At almost 8,000 feet, where the air is quite thin and the soil sucks, the Incas turned the mountainsides into layered terraces, creating narrow, concentric strips of farmplots where there were once sloped surfaces of rock, kept moist by ingenious systems of aqueducts. By the way, the did it all without the wheel.

5. Angkor Wat, Cambodia
Angkor Wat is a 200-plus acre temple complex in the middle of the Cambodian jungle. (By contrast, the entire Vatican City is half that size.) The centerpiece is the iconic temple, complete with its three tall, narrow domed towers, surrounded by a collection of smaller towers, fenced in by a long, imposing colonnade. Upon closer inspection, you see that the domes are encircled by half a dozen layers of individually carved figures. To reach the top level, you must surmount a set of shallow and yet near-vertical stairs.

6. Taj Mahal, Agra, India
Shah Jahan's mausoleum for his favorite wife is a shoe-in for my list. From a distance, the Taj Mahal looks like a monumental structure constructed out of sheer, gleaming white marble. When you approach, however, you take note that the walls are actually covered with intricately carved Islamic motifs. Free-standing amidst lush gardens, reflecting pools, and brick-paved courtyards, the Taj is truly heaven on earth.

7. The Great Wall of China
Placing the Great Wall on this list was a slam dunk. It's four thousand freaking miles long, people. And we're not talking about a little white picket fence here. The Great Wall is 16 feet wide, and that's all solid rock. Oh, and have you seen the jagged mountain terrain it had to traverse? While the other wonders on this list are tremendous accomplishments of human engineering, the Great Wall is the only one that's truly mind-blowing in its proportions.

Tomorrow, we throw out Weber's crappy list of nominees and I pick my ultimate top seven wonders without forcing myself to play by his rules.

Middle Six Wonders

With the 07.07.07 reveal coming up soon, I need to get back on the ball and finish up my list. Here are my middle six wonders from Bernhard Weber's list.

1. Kremlin, Red Square, and St. Basil's Cathedral, Moscow, Russia
In addition to the criticism that these three structures have little of anything to do with one another, there really isn't all that much to this nominee. The Kremlin is little more than a fort and Red Square is little more than a flat plaza. What's left is St. Basil's, and one psychotropic multi-colored building does not a wonder make.

2. Acropolis, Athens, Greece
Location, location, location. While the Acropolis features an impressive collection of Greek ruins, the reason why it's so famous it because it sits atop a hill in the middle of the largest city on the Balkan Peninsula. It is impressive to see the Parthenon tower of this thriving metropolis, but my list will only consider location if it adds to the engineering difficulties.

3. Tombouctou, Mali
Looking at pictures of Tombouctou online, it certainly appears to be a fascinating place. It was an oasis of learning in the middle of the Sahara Desert, complete with mosques and libraries constructed out of mud. While it sounds really cool, it is the nominee I know the least about, so I have trouble selecting it for my final list.

4. Alhambra, Granada, Spain
Like Tombouctou, I don't know too much about this sprawling palace in Granada, Spain. It is a prime example of Moorish architecture, showing the confluence of Spanish and Islamic influences. The intricate carvings in the pink stone are what distinguish this structure. But from an icon standpoint, if someone like yours truly doesn't know what it looks like off the top of his head, it's not going to make the list.

5. Chichen Itza, Mexico
The world's other pyramids were a ceremonial site for the Maya people. Unlike the Giza pyramids, the structures at Chichen Itza are step pyramids with staircases on the outside. The site also includes flat-topped temples, an observatory, and a court where an ancient sport resembling basketball was played, with the losing team being sacrificed to the gods. The reason why Chichen Itza does not make my final list is because there are only seven slots.

6. Easter Island, Chile
This nominee was the final cut from my list. While it is a bunch of stones arranged in one place like Stonehenge, these stones are actually carved in the shape of faces, which multiplies the spooky factor. And yeah, there are a lot of them -- 394 still standing, to be exact, though at one point, there were 887.