Money Is Time

For those of you who might not be aware, I just started a ten-week summer associateship at a top-notch law firm in downtown Boston. (For confidentiality reasons, I must be very vague in my description of the firm and cannot mention client matter at all.) I am being paid at the pro-rated annual salary amount for first-year associates at that firm. Again, I can't disclose the exact amount, but it's three times the amount of money I've made at any other job in my life.

Anyhow, the recent salary boost has introduced me to a very curious phenomenon. Up until now, my money was always worth more than my time. When given the option, I would just as soon do something myself, rather than pay someone to do it for me, since it just wasn't worth it. I would clean my own apartment, do my own laundry, shop for groceries myself, etc. Suddenly, however, with an influx of cash and a job that will tend to keep my busy and put my leisure time at a premium (though hopefully not eliminate it altogether), these services are worth thinking about.

Furthermore, for the first time in my life, I have a personal secretary. Okay, so she isn't personal, but she supports a very limited number of attorneys, so I can pretty much always count on her being available for me. In every office job and internship I've held so far, I would get an extremely nasty look if I asked someone to do my photocopying or send a fax for me or mail a letter or call IT to fix my computer. But at the firm, such delegation is not only allowed or encouraged, it's expected. I guess big firm lawyers need to spend their time doing actual legal work, rather than running a fax machine. If I were a client paying the hefty hourly rates that big firms charge, I'd demand nothing less. It will take some getting used to, and I treat my secretary with nothing but the utmost respect, but I feel like it will be a nice luxury.

On Blogging

It was considered a major blow to the blogosphere today when Dr. Robert Lindeman was exposed, on the witness stand, as the blogger Flea. Some people use the blogosphere as an opportunity to express their true feelings about a certain subject while hiding behind a cloak of invisibility. I certainly recognize the value of this anonymity, since it allows people whose speech would otherwise be chilled to expose corruption or bad practices among their industry.

While I praise these grassroots muckrakers and support the First Amendment that provides them with such rights, I harbor no such aspirations when composing It's A Magical World. My blog does not exist for purposes of undermining the establishment. It's merely a creative outlet for me. Some choose painting or music for their artistic expression. I choose the written word -- specifically, three-paragraph statements of opinion or Top Five lists on random topics. Those who know me in real life are aware that my blog captures only one aspect of my personality (the arrogant, self-indulgent aspect), untempered by other aspects of my personality. But that's how I choose to practice my art.

The Flea revelation shows bloggers that the anonymity they cherish is not as impregnable as they might think. But it shouldn't be decried as a threat to the blogosphere at large. It's perfectly okay to publish a blog just for the fun of it. You need not have to try to effectuate social change to make your contribution to the blogosphere. Gratuitous self-centered pronouncements, even if they aren't revolutionary, are valuable as well.

New 7 Wonders

Of the original Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, only one is left standing. In order to designate a new set of wonders for the modern era, Swiss adventurer Bernhard Weber established the New 7 Wonders Campaign. The campaign has nominated 21 sites from across the globe, inviting people worldwide to vote for their favorites. (After pressure from the Egyptian government, the Pyramids of Giza have been declared an honorary wonder, since they survive from the ancient list, so they may not be voted for.)

The New 7 Wonders campaign is not to be confused with the Seven World Wonders selected by USA Today and NBC's Today Show last year, which included natural formations such as the polar ice caps and Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument along with the amorphous wonders of the internet and the migration in the Serengeti. Weber's list of finalists is subject to the conditions that the wonders must be man-made creations completed by the year 2000 and still standing. Each country may have no more than one representative.

To the complete surprise of no one, yours truly has plenty of opinions on this list. In an ongoing It's A Magical World series, I will provide my top five additions to the list, my top five substitutions (subject to the one-per-country rule), my top five otherwise disqualified nominees (for whatever reason), my analysis of the nine nominated sites I've visited, and finally, my votes for the New 7 Wonders. The official list will be unveiled in Lisbon, Portugal on July 7, 2007.

The list of nominees:
Acropolis, Athens, Greece*
Alhambra, Granada, Spain
Angkor Wat, Angkor, Cambodia
Chichen Itza, Mexico
Colosseum, Rome, Italy*
Cristo Redentor, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil*
Easter Island, Chile
Eiffel Tower, Paris, France*
Great Wall, China
Hagia Sophia, Istanbul, Turkey*
Kiyomizu Temple, Kyoto, Japan*
Kremlin and Red Square, Moscow, Russia
Machu Picchu, Cuzco, Peru
Neuschwanstein Castle, Fussen, Germany
Petra, Jordan*
x-Pyramids, Giza, Egypt*
Statue of Liberty, New York, United States*
Stonehenge, Amesbury, United Kingdon
Sydney Opera House, Sydney, Australia
Taj Mahal, Agra, India
Tombouctou, Mali

* denotes nominee I've visited
x-honorary selection as wonder

Quality, Not Quantity

I went to my cousin's wedding yesterday, which managed to be a very high-end, classy affair while avoiding the gratuitous, garish, excess and opulence that has characterized other such events I have attended in the past. What immediately comes to mind is a bar mitzvah on Long Island a few years back. The cocktail hour featured a full smorgasbord, which had caviar, a carving station, and a whole bunch of other foods. Alone, that could have served as the meal. Once seated in the function room, a salad was placed in front of me, followed a huge salmon filet served off a platter by another waiter. That salad alone could have served as the meal. Then, the actual meal came. For dessert, each of us received a plate containing five or six miniature confections. Afterward, as if that dessert wasn't enough, they wheeled out a full-sized chocolate fondue bar. Finally, it was supposedly the caterer's signature practice to prepare soft pretzels to hand out to guests as they left the function hall.

Now, while I'm no Kobayashi, I can certainly consume vast quantities of food. But at this particular bar mitzvah, I had to wave the white flag after the first dessert. I couldn't look at the fondue bar, let alone think about the pretzels. If I couldn't eat all the food I was given, then I'm sure nobody else could either. Now, I understand that some people use their children's celebrations as an opportunity to impress clients and outdo their neighbors. I don't condone the practice, but I recognize that it happens. But if you're going to pour all that money into a top-notch function, you should channel it toward high-quality food, not vast quantities of regular food that no normal person can consume on their own. Waste isn't classy. I am impressed by the food I eat, not by food that's served. If you have the means to serve Kobe beef and truffles at your function (in moderate quantities that people will be able to consume), I won't stand in your way. But if you have the means to serve gigantic salads that you know will be thrown out half-eaten, I question your motivation. People on food stamps need to survive on three dollars per day, and frankly, I'd be happy to take a salad without the gigantic hunk of fish so that others can eat for another day or three.

Top Five Favorite Passport Stamps

The following list discusses not necessarily the most aesthetically attractive of the 75 or so passport stamps I've received, but rather the stamps I'm most proud of, for whatever reason.

1. Luxembourg, Entry, Findel Airport, 1 June 2006
Of all the Schengen-area countries, Luxembourg may be the most difficult to get a stamp from. Every other Schengen country has a non-stop flight from the United States. At the time I visited, Luxembourg's only commercial airport was served from but three countries outside of the Schengen zone - England, Switzerland, and the Czech Republic. There are no land or water borders with non-Schengen countries either. To get the Luxembourg stamp, you must first go to one of those three countries, then find a direct flight to Findel. I managed to do so, booking a side trip on VLM Airlines from London-City Airport when I was in the UK anyway. I also had to endure a four-hour delay thanks to an undetonated shell of WWII ammunition being found near the airport, which put a freeze on all flights.

2. Uruguay, Entry, Puerto Madero Pre-Clear (Buenos Aires), 10 June 2002
June 10, 2002 was one of those days where I woke up and decided to go to another country. I was spending a week in Buenos Aires, and after getting somewhat bored with BA itself, decided to go check out Colonia in Uruguay, which was an hour-long high-speed boat ride away. After arriving at the ferry terminal not nearly early enough (since we needed to stand in separate lines for ticket reservation, ticket purchase, departure tax, and passport control), we somehow secured passage to Uruguay as a completely gratuitous sidetrip from what was already a vacation to a random destination.

3. Austria, Exit, Berg Border Crossing, and
Slovakia, Entry, Petrzalka Border Crossing, 13 November 2003
On a trip to Vienna, I decided to take advantage of the close proximity of Bratislava to visit another (non-Schengen) country. I had anticipated on taking the train, but a rare strike by the Austrian national rail workers forced to me to hunt down a bus instead. After buying the ticket, I then found out that I needed to get the ticket endorsed for a specific bus departure (which was a fortunate discovery, since the bus quickly filled up). When the bus came to the border, there were full exit and entry controls on both sides, allowing me to get four passport stamps from my round trip. The Austrian stamp was the first land-border Schengen stamp I had ever received.

4. Egypt, Entry, Taba Border Crossing, 5 August 2005
This entry stamp required some serious advance preparation. My plan was to cross into Egypt from Eilat, Israel, and take a bus to Cairo. Egypt gives visas on arrival at the Cairo Airport, but if you cross in from Israel, you can only get a visa for the coastal resorts in the Sinai peninsula. Anyone seeking to travel further into the country needed a visa obtained in advance. First, I needed to send off my passport to the state department to get additional pages inserted, since the Egyptian Consulate needed a full page for the visa. Then, I needed to apply for the visa itself, sending in a $15 money order with my application, passport, photo, and return envelope. Finally, with the visa in hand, I set off from Israel early in the morning, anticipating massive crowds and long lines at the border. Fortunately, the process was quick and straightforward, and I received my first and only entry stamp with the date written in non-Western letters and numbers.

5. Italy, Entry, Domodossola Train Station, 20 May 2007, and
Germany, Entry, Friedrichshafen Ferry Port, 21 May 2007
Both these stamps were obtained from land (or water) borders on my recent trip to Switzerland. Both required me to exercise a little bit of initiative for me to claim the stamp. For Italy, I was lucky that the customs officers were even carrying a stamp, and I had to insist they stamp the passport after they tried to just hand it back to me. For my efforts, I received my second-ever train stamp (after boarding the Eurostar train in Brussels). For Germany, I had to inquire of the customs officers where I could get a stamp, and they directed me into the nearby customs office, 20 minutes before it closed for the day. (I had hope the port would give me an elusive boat stamp, but instead, it was the car stamp, since the ferry handled vehicular traffic.)

Top Five Reasons Why The Swiss Rail System Rules

1. It's fully integrated
While the Swiss Federal Railways is the largest train operator in the country, it shares its tracks with various regional rail systems, suburban commuter trains, private and tourist railways, and international trains from foreign countries. For the average passenger, there's no difference between any of these trains. Your ticket is good for passage between two specific points regardless of what train shows up. Timetables on the Swiss Federal Railways website incorporate all these different services and even include mountain funicular and cable car systems. What you see is what you get, and no second thoughts are necessary.

1a. The Swiss Pass is the world's best train ticket
As a result of the fully-integrated transit system, you can purchase a Swiss Pass for 255 CHF (about US$189) which gives you unlimited rides for four days on just about every public train line in the country, whether run by the Swiss Federal Railways or some other regional operator. It also gives you access to long-distance bus lines, urban public transit in some forty cities, certain trans-border rail lines, boat lines, many private rail lines, and even aerial cable cars. The only exceptions are tourist-based funiculars, cog railways, and cable cars, all of which offer a 50% discount when you use your Swiss Pass. For someone who rides the train as much as I do, the flexibility offered was amazing. Given the high prices of Swiss train travel, the Swiss Pass offered a spectacular value.

2. It goes everywhere
Whatever town in Switzerland you want to visit, there's train service that goes there. Large mountain ranges in the way prove no problem, no matter what the season. And we're not talking diesel locomotives making their way across remote sections of rail. The entire system is fully electrified, even as it climbs over 2000m above sea level. When you're going through the mountains, you get a pretty scenic ride, at the price of a regular passenger ticket.

3. There's a train leaving soon
We're not talking Amtrak here, where you get one departure a day. Anywhere you want to go in Switzerland, there's a departure pretty much every hour between 5 a.m. and midnight. For trains between bigger cities, you might have departures every half hour, or even more frequently, if you're willing to put up with a local train. Yeah, you might have to make a transfer or two along the way, if you heading to or from smaller cities, but even transfers are times so that you're rarely waiting more than ten minutes.

4. The stations are amazing
Not only are stations clean and well-maintained, they're well marked, with numerous signs displaying the station name and graphics directing you to the various facilities at the station. Stations always have a manned ticket booth where you can ask questions of a live person, just in case you can't handle the touchscreen computer terminals where you can purchase tickets. There are luggage lockers, convenience stores, and restrooms in pretty much every station. There are also signboards that display, for each train, the time of departure, the destination and intermediate stops, and the location of first and second class cars.

5. It's always on time -- always
The Swiss Railways have a reputation for always running on time, and it's true. In my four days of near-nonstop train riding, there were two trains that ran late, and one of them was a train that came in from Germany. The signboards display if a train is running late. A three-minute delay is a big deal to the Swiss. You literally can set your watch by the trains' departures.

What Does It Take To Get A Freaking Passport Stamp Around Here?

Part of the motivation in my trip to Switzerland, in addition to hiking in the Alps, was the opportunity to take advantage of Switzerland's status as the lone holdout from the Schengen Agreement and collect a whole bunch of passport stamps from land frontiers. To my disappointment (but not really my surprise), border formalities between Switzerland and its neighbors are, shall we say, less than formal. Here's a rundown of what I went through during my various frontier crossings.

Martigny, Switzerland to Chamonix, France (train)
We needed to switch trains at the Le Chatelard station, near the French-Swiss frontier. It would have been a perfect place to post a customs officer, but none was there. The second train continued into France, unchecked. There was a border post a couple hundred meters up the road that ran parallel to the train tracks, but it would not have been possible to get up there, get the stamp, and catch the train in time.

Chamonix, France to Martigny, Switzerland (train)
On the return trip, we did not switch trains at Le Chatelard. There were no customs officers in sight, either on the platform or on the train.

Brig, Switzerland to Domodossola, Italy (train)
When the Cisalpino train stopped at Brig, the last station in Switzerland, I was delighted to see men clad in the navy blue uniform with red trim of Italian customs. They boarded the train and walked down the aisle, checking passengers' passports. One of them was carrying a stamp -- a rarity for an on-train passport check. After inspecting my passport and handing it back, I asked the officer for an entry stamp. He took down my passport details in a memo pad, presumably to enter it into the computer later, and gave me the stamp.

Domodossola, Italy to Locarno, Switzerland (train)
On the Ferrovie Autolinee Regionali Ticinesi (a picturesque train line with unfortunate acronym FART), we crossed from Italy back into Switzerland at Camedo. A border post on the road was visible on the train, but no passport control was carried out on the train. A frequent passenger on that line explained that there is never any passport control.

Zurich, Switzerland to Schaffhausen, Switzerland via Germany (train)
The train from Zurich to Schaffhausen passes through German territory. The train did not stop in Germany before reentering Switzerland, so no passport controls were necessary. There were stations in German territory at which local trains stopped, but they were operated by the Swiss Federal Railways. It was unclear what the customs arrangements were.

Schaffhausen, Switzerland to Waldshut, Germany (train)
I did not actually take this train, but took note of the fact that Germany-bound trains departed Schaffhaused from a special platform, on which there were Swiss and German customs offices. However, you did not need to actually pass through customs to get on a train. If you walked onto the platform from the main station through one tunnel, you'd be on the Swiss side; from the other tunnel, you'd be on the German side. Therefore, as best as I could tell, passport control from Schaffhausen was a Mexican's dream -- the honor system.

Basel, Switzerland to St. Louis, France (train)
Trains to France depart from a segregated platform area in the Basel train station. You need to walk through a door and pass separate Swiss and French customs counters. When I walked through, however, both were unmanned. Once onboard the train, plainclothes French customs officers (some of whom were wearing orange "Douanes" armbands, some of whom looked like they just graduated high school, some of whom you wouldn't possibly believe were customs officers had they not been flashing their badges) made their way through the train. While they inspected passports, they seemed more concerned with whether people were importing anything into the country.

St. Louis, France to Basel, Switzerland (foot)
There was a border station on the road from France to Switzerland, with inbound and outbound booths on each side. There were no signs or barriers directing pedestrians to report anywhere. Three of the four booths were unmanned. A single Swiss customs officer sat in the entry booth for Switzerland. I crossed the street, got his attention, and stepped inside the booth. He took my passport, typed some details on the computer, and gave it back. I requested an entry stamp, which was given, and I was sent on my way.

Basel, Switzerland to Weil-am-Rhine, Germany (foot)
The road from Basel to Weil had a customs barrier set up. Maybe one of every four or five cars actually stopped at the barrier -- the rest were waved through. There was a booth along the sidewalk with an officer sitting inside (I thought he was German, but in retrospect, I wasn't really sure). Some pedestrians (the ones carrying shopping bags) stopped by the booth while others just kept walking. I attempted to hand my passport to the officer. He said something in German I didn't understand and gestured for me to keep walking into the country, which I did.

Weil-am-Rhine, Germany to Huningue, France (foot)
As Germany and France are both members of the Schengen zone, there are no passport controls on the footbridge over the Rhine between the two countries.

Huningue, France to Basel, Switzerland (bus)
I boarded the public bus back to Switzerland. The bus slowed down and peered inside the customs booth at the border post looking for an officer to wave the bus in; however, it was unoccupied and the bus just continued into the country.

Romanshorn, Switzerland to Friedrichshafen, Germany (ferry)
There were no outbound controls at the Swiss port. In Germany, four customs officers stood on the dock, inspecting passports. I asked for an entry stamp and was directed into the customs office in a nearby building, when an officer took my passport and stamped it, without scanning it or entering data into a computer.

Friedrichshafen, Germany to Romanshorn, Switzerland (ferry)
The German customs officers were standing on the dock from which the ferry departed, but passengers could just walk onboard without showing a passport. I might have considered getting an entry stamp, but I left on the 8:37 p.m. ferry and the sign on the customs office earlier said it closed at 7:45 p.m. Once in Switzerland, three customs officers wearing flourescent vests met arriving passengers. They only stopped passengers with luggage, and most everybody else walked by. One officer just saw the cover of my American passport and waved me past.

The bottom line is that Switzerland is not quite the passport stamp paradise I hoped it would be. It really shocked me as an American that international borders were so porous and that people could come and go into a country without the government keeping track of them. Then again, it's not like there are a lot of Swiss who want to illegally immigrate into France. If you're allowed into the EU, you'd probably be allowed into Switzerland, and vice-versa. While Switzerland may officially be in a customs zone separate from the EU, in practice, they're pretty much the same.

It's A Magical World! Turns One

One year ago today (well, last Friday, since I'm just getting around to posting this after my trip to Switzerland), I had just finished my final exams and I was waiting for the law review competition (which I quickly dropped out of) to begin. I was bored, and inspired by my friend and classmate Pamela, I decided to start my own blog. I didn't know how long it would last and I didn't know how often I'd post. Well, one year and 250-some-odd posts later, It's A Magical World is still going strong. Thanks to all my loyal readers for giving me reason to keep sharing my opinions with you. I hope this blog has brought a bit of insight, or at least entertainment, to all of your lives. I look forward to year number two!

Top Five Airline Lounges

I'm about to head out on one of my gratuitous international trips (Switzerland, this time). I'll be gone until Wednesday of next week, and the blog will remain on hiatus (more or less) until then. In the meanwhile, I will pay homage to my Star Alliance Gold frequent flyer status and the elite airlines lounges to which my status grants me access.

1. Royal Orchid Lounge (Thai Airlines), Hong Kong
This lounge is decorated in funky pastel colors. It sits on an open balcony overlooking the Hong Kong Airport terminal, which is an architectural wonder in and of itself. There is a full Thai food buffet alongside computers with internet access, comfortable lounge chairs, an enclosed television room, and Nintendo Wii systems. And of course, the requisite feature of any airline lounge is the free, unlimited booze.

2. Senator Lounge (Austrian Airlines), Vienna
While the Senator Lounge, awash in soft pink and green tones, is somewhat undersized, it comes appointed with a full selection of magazines and newspapers, televisions, hot omelettes with bacon in the morning, an array of danishes, all the booze you can drink, and the friendliest staff I've encountered on that side of the Atlantic.

3. London Lounge (Scandinavian Airlines), London-Heathrow
While this lounge lacks the food offerings of others (opting for packaged snacks instead of hot food), it makes up for it with size and atmosphere. The two-story lounge sports a utilitarian design scheme straight out of Ikea, bounding in wood. There are many computer stations on the first floor. On the second floor, the lounge has a movie room, a sleeping room, and a children's play area.

4. Sala VIP (Varig), Rio de Janeiro-Galeao
The elegant lounge in the basement of the Rio airport is a wonderful elite experience. It is spacious, offering lounge chairs, cafe tables, desks, and a plentiful selection of sandwiches and drinks. The highlight, however, is the container filled with hot pao de queijo (cheese bread) -- the most addictive snack in all of Brazil.

5. Signet Lounge (All Nippon Airways), Tokyo-Narita
This squeaky-clean lounge is a modern interpretation of traditional Japanese architecture. It features an expansive business center (with 20+ computer terminals), vegetarian sushi, a noodle bar, an automatic beer machine, a full assortment of Japanese soft drinks, more types of tea than you ever knew existed, and the most effective bathroom hand dryer I have ever encountered.

Honorable Mentions
Red Carpet Club (United Airlines) - Hong Kong
Red Carpet Club (United Airlines) - Sao Paolo-Guarulhos
Maple Leaf Lounge (Air Canada) - Toronto
Senator Club (Lufthansa) - Frankfurt

The Waiting Game

Opting to avoid the death zone that is Friday night television, Major League Baseball decided to revamp its postseason schedule, starting the World Series on a Wednesday, running it through November 1, if it goes the full seven games, and scheduling additional off-days during the course of the Divisional and League Championship Series.

Like most everything else that comes out of MLB's central office, it's a bad idea. Baseball needs to be played daily (or at least almost daily) since maintaining a rhythm is such an important part of long-term success in the game. The postseason already has teams playing no more than two or three games in a row without a day off. Additional rest days will spoil teams' routines even further.

Instead of granting additional off-days, MLB should use the extra time to extend the Divisional Series to seven games, up from the present five. In baseball, more so than in any other sport, it's no huge surprise when an underdog upsets a favorite in a single game. Postseason series must last a while to eliminate the possibility of such flukes. Five games are clearly not enough -- you play a 162 game season and can see it all go to waste if you lay an egg in just three more. People get excited about baseball, not off days. MLB should change the postseason accordingly.

Top Five Despicable Survivors

1. Jon "Jonny Fairplay" Dalton (Pearl Islands)
Jonny Fairplay was an obnoxious malcontent from the very beginning of the Pearl Islands season, picking fights with just about anyone in sight. But Fairplay will be remembered for the greatest lie in Survivor history. When his friend showed up for the loved-one's reward challenge, Fairplay had previously arranged for his friend to tell him that his grandmother had passed away. The tragedy caused the other players to throw the challenge to Fairplay while the Survivor producers scrambled to contact his family back at home. Well, it turned out, as Fairplay confessed to the cameras, that his grandmother was alive and well, sitting at home and watching Jerry Springer. But it didn't stop him from invoking his dead grandmother as an oath during the rest of the season.

2. Dre "Dreamz" Herd (Fiji)
See yesterday's post for more information about Dreamz, but the quick version is that Yau-Man gave Dreamz the F-350 that he won during a reward challenge, in exchange for Dreamz' promise to give up immunity to Yau if he won it in the final challenge. Dreamz gladly accepted the car, and then when he won immunity, he reneged on the promise, despite having declared how grateful he was to be able to show the world how honest and righteous his was.

3. Richard Hatch and Susan Hawk (Borneo, All-Stars)
We all know Richard Hatch as the fat, naked, gay guy who won the first season of Survivor, despite pissing off everyone else stuck on the island with his self-centered theatrics. Susan became famous for delivering the "Snake and Rat" speech at the final tribal council, after Kelly changed her vote, resulting in Susan's dismissal. Richard and Susan reunited for All-Stars, and when Richard got naked and brushed up against Susan, Susan threw a nutty and quit the show.

4. "Boston" Rob Mariano (Marquesas, All-Stars)
In his first stint on Survivor, Boston Rob styled himself as "The Godfather" or "The Puppet Master," pulling strings behind the scenes to control evictions on his own tribe. Then, in All-Stars, Rob fell in love with Amber, going so far as to plead with Lex not to vote off his girl when she switched to the other tribe, promising Lex that he would take care of him in return. Well, at the very next tribal council, Rob decided that he couldn't save Lex after all and went back on his word, eliminating Lex.

5. Brian Heidik (Thailand)
The adult-film-actor-cum-used-car-salesman promised three separate people that he would take them to the final tribal council if he got that far. When five people were left, Brian just kept lying through his teeth, telling people whatever they wanted to hear in order to get them to vote out anyone but him. His shining moment came when he counted down on his fingers the allies he had to screw to win the final vote, ending with only the middle finger standing up. He won the final vote not by being popular but by being the lesser of two evils.

Honorable Mentions
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, All-Stars) - drama queen
Osten Taylor (Pearl Islands) - quitter
Jonathan Penner (Cook Islands) - repeated turncoat

Sole Survivor? In Your Dreamz!

The fourteenth (can you believe it?) season of Survivor came to a close tonight with one of the most thrilling sequences leading to the final Tribal Council ever. For those of you who are out of the loop, Yau-Man Chan, the diminutive 50-something computer engineer has played one of the most brilliant strategic games ever, consistently outsmarting his competitors when it became clear that he was a threat to be voted off. In arguably the boldest move in Survivor history, Yau gave a Ford F-350 that he won in a reward challenge to Dre "Dreamz" Herd, in exchange for Dreamz's promise to give Yau the immunity necklace from the final immunity challenge, had he one it.

Well, everything went according to script. Yau dodged two attempts to vote him off prematurely and Dreamz won the final immunity. After spending days talking about how he was a man of his word and how he wanted to set a good example for his children, when it was time to put his money where his mouth was, Dreamz gave in to greed and held onto the necklace, leading to Yau's dismissal. It would have been a great opportunity for the immature and out-of-control Dreamz to prove that he had grown up over the course of the game and endear himself to millions of viewers watching across the world. Instead, Dreamz took the coward's way out.

The jury didn't like what happened, and after castigating Dreamz at the final tribal council, they gave their unanimous vote to Earl Cole. Earl certainly deserved to win the game, masterminding strategy while keeping a low profile. Yau found himself on the chopping block time after time, while Earl was the one calling the shots. Unfortunately for Earl, he will find himself the Ruben Studdard to Yau's Clay Aiken. Yau will be remembered as the old man with the big brain and the even bigger (perhaps too big) heart.

As for Dreamz, well, I just hope that every time he and his children climb into his F-350, he tells them about the ruthless hatchet job he pulled in order to get the car. I really hope his kids are proud of him.

Top Five Reasons Why I Hate Interleague Play

Major League Baseball established interleague play in 1997, allowing American League teams to face National League teams in the regular season for the first time ever. Originally, teams only faced off against opponents in their respective division in the opposite league, (i.e. AL East teams played NL East teams). Eventually, the system was changed to allow rotating opponents, except for those designated rivalry matchups. Here's why I hate it.

1. It cheapens the All-Star Game and the World Series
One unique feature of the Fall Classic is that the two pennant winners have to face off against a team they haven't seen before all season long. You also have the novelty of pitchers having to bat and designated hitters having to field when an AL team plays in an NL park. Further, visiting teams must play in a completely unfamiliar ballpark. With the World Series and All-Star Game no longer being the only opportunities to see interleague play, there's one less reason to watch those major events.

2. It results in uneven scheduling
Since teams only play six interleague series, they don't get to see every other squad in the opposite league. Therefore, you can get some serious strength of schedule imbalances depending on who you draw. If you happen to be assigned the competitive NL West (four of five teams above .500), you're in a lot worse shape than other teams, against whom you might be competing for a playoff spot, who are matched up against the anemic NL Central (five of six teams below .500).

3. Lack of familiarity doesn't breed contempt
One cool thing about the AL/NL format is that you're guaranteed three or four series a year against non-divisional opponents, allowing you to develop a rivarly against anyone in your league, even if . Playing three games against the Phillies, knowing you won't see them again that season, fails to produce that same kind of fire. Furthermore, teams have to prepare an additional five or six scouting dossiers, each one to be used only for a single series.

4. Make-up games are a major headache
The unbalanced schedule makes rescheduling rain-outs difficult enough, since teams may only make one visit to the other's park (see this April's snowed-out Seattle-Cleveland series for more info). But when teams only play three times the entire year, losing one of those games is a major hassle. If it's the last game of a series, there's no possibility for a next-day doubleheader, so teams must either play on a mutual off-day (if logistics allow for it) or wait until the end of the season and play the game only if it will have postseason implications.

5. Many rivalries are contrived or inequitable
The Yankees-Mets, White Sox-Cubs, A's-Giants, and Dodgers-Angels rivalries make perfect sense, since crosstown (or cross-metropolitan area) teams have a natural claim to play each other annually for regional supremacy. Instate rivalries like Cardinals-Royals and Rangers-Astros also make sense (though I doubt many care about Marlins-Devil Rays). But other "rivalries" based either on history (Red Sox-Braves) or the fact that a division had teams left over (Mariners-Padres) are really only rivalries because Major League Baseball said so. Furthermore, a team like the Yankees must play six against the streaking Mets while divisional rival Baltimore gets six against the hapless Nationals.

This Cigarette Not Yet Rated

The Motion Picture Association of America has apparently decided that depictions of people smoking are as damaging to young children as graphic displays of sex or violence. Therefore, the MPAA will consider glamorizations of smoking as grounds to award an R rating. This nonsense is a dangerous precedent. What other unhealthy behaviors will the MPAA try to reign in next? Eating fast food hamburgers? Not getting enough sleep at night?

Look, it's one thing to restrict sex or violence or profane language, all of which can be intrinsically disturbing to a child who happens to come across them. But any kid can walk down the street with his parents and see people lighting up left and right. For the MPAA to be issuing value judgments about otherwise legal behavior puts them in a dangerous position of social policeman. (And don't tell me for a second that this new standard won't change anything. The difference between a PG-13 rating and an R rating is millions of dollars spent by the valuable 13-17 demographic, a group of people that actually goes to the movies since there's not much else you can do at that age if you want to go out.)

No More Beers

The premature death of Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock last week was a tragedy. However, the kneejerk response by various baseball teams -- banning postgame alcohol in the clubhouse -- was a complete overraction. Professional athletes (Manny Ramirez aside) are adults, who are capable of making their own decisions. Hancock may have made a bad choice that cost him his life, but that doesn't mean that every other pro baseball player should be deprived of the privilege of having a drink or two after the game. If anything, Hancock's death will cause players to think twice about overindulging and then driving, making it even less likely that it would happen again.

Bad things can happen when you drink alcohol. Bad things don't have to happen, however. In this country, we have stigmatized alcohol to the point where we have become the laughing stock of the Western World. Our drinking age is higher than that of any other democratic nation. Making alcohol so taboo has created a subculture of binge drinking, where college students who have had their desire to drink so strongly suppressed for so long go on dangerous benders, just because they can finally get away with it.

Once again, the gut reaction is to take the alcohol away, rather than teach people how to use it smartly. Shame on these baseball teams for treating their players like children.

Top Five South Park Celebrity Lampoons

1. Saddam Hussein
In the South Park universe, the Butcher of Baghdad is a whiny, high-pitched, flapping-headed homosexual with the dual passions of world domination and anal. After dying and being sent to hell, he starts up a gay relationship with Satan, Prince of Darkness, then tries to destroy the planet by initiating the Great American-Canadian war. After being killed (again), he is sent back to hell, only to find that Satan is now dating another man, Chris. Satan and Chris kill each other over and over again, ending up back in hell each time. Finally, Satan calls in a favor and gets God to take Saddam into heaven, spends the rest of his days listening to Mormon storytime and building nuclear warheads in a chocolate chip factory. Eventually, he sneaks back to earth and takes over the Canadian government, only to be found hiding in a spider hole and executed.

2. Paris Hilton
The opening scene of Paris Hilton's appearance in South Park (to market her Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset) has her dog Tinkerbell grabbing a gun and shooting herself in the head. Forced to find a new pet, Paris dresses Butters up like a bear, calls him Mr. Biggles, and tries to buy him from his parents for $250 million. Eventually, Paris ends up facing off against Mr. Slave in a Whore-Off, and while Paris shoves a pineapple into her vagina, Mr. Slave counters by taking off his pants shoving Paris up his anus.

3. Michael Jackson
You know what will happen when Michael Jack..., er, Martin Jefferson moves to South Park: he'll climb into bed with the boys, he'll dangle his son Blanket out the window, a racist cop will show up looking to frame a black man only to find out the man is white, etc. You know what else? It's still funny.

4. Jennifer Lopez (and Ben Affleck)
For Latino Heritage day, Cartman makes his hand into a puppet and calls it Jennifer Lopez. With his prize money, he records a music video and sends it to a record company, causing them to dump the real Jennifer Lopez. The real J-Lo shows up in a rage and threatens to beat up Cartman's hand, which she eventually does. In the meanwhile, Ben Affleck dumps J-Lo in favor of Cartman's hand, ending up naked in bed with Cartman's hand around his penis. The real J-Lo ends up working at a fast food taco restaurant.

5. Mel Gibson
After being thoroughly disappointed by The Passion of the Christ, Stan and Kenny go to Malibu to get their $18 back from Mel Gibson. It turns out that Gibson is a raving lunatic who wears nothing but underwear, has half his face painted blue, and constantly wants to be tortured. Once the boys take the money from his wallet and head home, Gibson follows them in a tanker trunk, shouting at them in Klingon, and once he arrives back in South Park, he defecates in Cartman's face.

Honorable Mention: Tom Cruise
In an Emmy-nominated episode, the Church of Scientology believes that Stan is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Devotee Tom Cruise shows up, only to run and hide in the closet when Stan insults his acting. And they make that joke last an entire episode.

Stupid Spoiled Criminal

It pains me whenever I choose to write about Paris Hilton, since that no-talent alcoholic whore does not deserve a single ounce of the ink she gets. But today, it is absolute glee that I announce that Paris Hilton will be spending 45 days behind bars. After being put on probation for driving under the influence and having her license suspended, Hilton was stupid enough not only to keep driving, but to drive 70 mph in a 35 mph zone, without headlines. Then, she was shocked and appalled that the prosecution had the nerve to ask that she actually be incarcerated for violating her probation.

I'm not going to make some statement about how she hopefully finally realizes she's not above the law, nor am I going to say that received what she had coming to her. I'm also not going to proclaim that for once, a celebrity is not able to buy his or her way out of trouble. Instead, my reaction is pure schadenfreude. Paris Hilton has never worked a day in her life, relying instead upon her tolerance for alcohol and willingness to spread her legs for anything that moves to pull in movie roles, recording deals, and gigs where's she's paid thousands of dollars to show up and get wasted. In the words of the immortal Nelson Muntz, "ha-ha!" I wonder if Fox might be interested in throwing Nicole Ritchie in the cell with her and calling it The Simple Life 6: The Big House. I'd watch.

Top Five Reasons Skybus Will Fail

The latest entrant on the low-cost airline scene is Skybus. Following the lead of European airlines like Ryanair and EasyJet, Skybus has boiled its offerings down to a true no-frills service, selling tickets that will transport you and a carry-on bag from Point A to Point B safely and charging for just about everything else. While it's a novel idea, I can't see it succeeding, and here's why.

1. Who wants to go to Columbus?
Like its European brethren, Skybus offers an exclusive point-to-point service. Its website does not allow you to book connections through its hub in Columbus, nor are you protected if you book a back-to-back ticket through Columbus and your inbound flight is late. If you want to run point-to-point service, your hub must be a large city where people actually want to go (e.g. New York for jetBlue, Atlanta for AirTran, Denver to a lesser extent for Frontier). I guess Skybus thinks it can attract passengers from Cincinnati and Cleveland, but other airlines have tried to set up hubs in Columbus (most recently, America West), and they've all failed.

2. Who wants to go anywhere else they fly?
Skybus brags that it provides service to small, uncongested airports. The problem is that many of these airports are long distances away from the markets they're supposed to serve. Portsmouth is 53 miles from Boston, Greensboro is almost 100 miles from Raleigh and Charlotte, Richmond is 100 miles from Washington, and Bellingham is over 100 miles from Seattle (only 35 miles from Vancouver, but with a perpetually-busy border crossing bottleneck in the way). Once you factor in the time and cost to get to these distant airports, you're not saving much at all.

3. Who do you call when it all goes to hell?
Skybus makes a big deal out of the fact they don't have a call center. Everything is done over the internet. Supposedly, if your flight is cancelled, the website will automatically make alternate arrangements for you. Let's see how that works when the first big Midwestern snowstorm of the year hits. There are always unforeseen issues that require the assistance of a live person on the telephone. I couldn't tell you what they are now, but I assure you, they happen. And, for that matter, let's see what happens if technical difficulties cause the website to refuse to ticket your booking, especially after your credit card is charged.

4. Who wants to deal with the sales pitch?
Another way Skybus keeps its fares cheap is by reportedly paying flight attendants $9 per hour and then giving them a commission on all on-board sales. The result is predictable -- aggressive, repeated suggestions that you purchase drinks or snacks or souvenirs. I don't want my airline travel to involve repeatedly fighting off sales pitches, especially when I'm in a captive environment. Frankly, I'd rather pay a few extra bucks just to be left alone.

5. What happens when you're thirsty? Another way Skybus will make money off its inflight sales is through its policy that outside food and drink are prohibited. While many other airlines have buy-on-board food services, virtually all domestic airlines at least give you free soft drinks, even if they charge you for crappy snack mix. They also tell you that you are welcome to take your own food and drink aboard. Now, it's a well-established fact that air travel can be an incredibly dehydrating experience. Denying people from attending to this health concern unless they pay an additional fee (which is likely exorbitant) is deplorable.