Let's Play Five!

Big news in sporting circles today is that Wimbledon will now be paying equal prize money to men and women throughout all rounds of its tournament. But is it really equal pay? I don't have stats in front of me, but you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that based on the fact that women play best-of-three matches while men play best-of-five, men are probably logging a lot more court time for the same money.

In tennis, more than any other sport (except, perhaps, figure skating, and we can argue over whether that's really a sport later), women and men are able to compete on equal footing for publicity and media coverage. I have absolutely no problem with women and men earning the same amounts of money. I do believe, however, that if equal money is to be paid, players need to work equally hard for it.

It's time for women tennis pros to switch to five-set matches, at least in major events. The notion that women are physically incapable of going five sets is an archaic relic of a bygone era. The fact that the pro tennis world still subscribes to it is frankly insulting to today's female athletes, who are well-trained, extraordinarily fit, athletic machines. Plus, longer women's matches would mean that we would get to look at Maria Sharapova for almost twice as much time as we do now.

jetBlackAndBlue

Whenever an airline has some highly-publicized transportation fiasco, the usual playbook involves first denying that it ever happened, then blaming someone else like air traffic control or the airport authority, and only then issuing a weak apology and a vaguely-worded future commitment to customer service. Proving once again that it's not your typical airline, jetBlue threw out the usual playbook and decided to put its money where its mouth is.

First of all, it is important to note that jetBlue is calling its customer service plan by the exact term that the other airlines are terribly afraid of hearing Congress say - a "Customer Bill of Rights." The last time such murmurs were heard from Congress, airlines assembled customer commitments which were long on phrases such as "reasonable efforts" and "within our control" and failed to specify exactly what would happen if the airline failed to live up. By contrast, jetBlue has told customers exactly what they'd be getting in compensation based on the length and type of delay. And, in a further gesture of goodwill, they applied the Bill of Rights retroactively to last week's fiasco and will be sending compensation out automatically, with no need to apply to submit a claim. My theory is that airline passengers recognize delays as an inevitable part of air travel. It's not the delays that they really mind -- it's the consistent lack of information and false excuses and run-arounds that drives people nuts.

I love jetBlue. If it weren't for the frequent flier perks and the vast international network I can access through United, I would fly jetBlue all the time. They have already shown themselves to be above the nickel-and-diming nonsense of other domestic airlines (both legacy and low-cost) through perks like free snacks, free satellite television, minimal ticket change fees, and friendly flight attendants. All told, every time I've flown jetBlue, it seems like a slightly less stressful experience. The Customer Bill of Rights will cost the airline a lot of money and will likely open the door to all sorts of nitpicking when people try to claim compensation (as with all airlines, compensation is not due for delays caused by factors out of jetBlue's control, such as weather and ATC, and I can foresee people arguing vehemently when jetBlue claims it wasn't their fault). But jetBlue has proven once again that it puts customers first -- that it is willing to be straightforward and honest with its passengers, even if it hurts the bottom line in the short run. In the long run, though, I'm sure it will help.

Top Five Dateline Predators

Last time around, we did the top five types of predators from Dateline NBC's ongoing series "To Catch A Predator." Today, we honor those individuals who stuck out in our minds.

1. Marvin Lakhan (Ft. Myers, Fla.)
My all-time favorite predator was this man, who wants the 14-year-old decoy to perform a sex act on a cat, for which she'll need Cool Whip. The decoy says she'll do it, as long as Lakhan strips naked before he walks into the house. Incredibly, Lakhan takes the request seriously, and Chris Hansen must hand him a towel and ask him to cover up before the interview. Then, Hansen delivers the greatest line in the history of the series. We're posted it once before, but we'll do it again:

So what’s going to be happening if I’m not here? You’re naked. There’s a 14 year old girl. You’re chasing a cat around. You’ve got Cool Whip and you want this girl to do some sex act with the cat and then you’ll have sex with her. Is that accurate?

2. Maurice Wolin (Petaluma, Calif.)
The prominent San Francisco physician showed up at the decoy's house looking for some underaged action. His appearance went to show that not all child predators are unemployed lowlifes. Once he discovered what was going on and was arrested, he proceeded to whine like a baby. The best part of his appearance was when he placed his one phone call to his wife:

“Honey, I’m in big trouble, I’ll explain. You have to bail me out of Sonoma County jail. $30,000 check. It was a sting operation, I'll explain it to you later. Don’t bring the girls. I need you so badly just come.... I didn’t do anything, but I did something stupid.”

3. David Kaye (Silver Spring, Md.)
You almost expect some of the predators who show up at the decoy's house to be teachers -- you know, men who spend their days salivating over a group of crazy delicious pre-teens. But the occupations of some predators astonish me. For example, David Kaye is a rabbi. More accurately, he was a rabbi. In the early installments of "To Catch A Predator," law enforcement officials weren't involved, so, while Kaye avoided the long arm of the law that day, he was nevertheless forced to resign the day before his visit to what he thought was a 14-year-old boy's house appeared on television. Then, he was sentenced to six-plus years in federal prison. Rabbi, might I suggest you read your bible?

4. Michael Siebert (Riverside and Long Beach, Calif.)
Siebert showed up at the Riverside sting operation, where he was promptly arrested. He made bail, and the day after a procedural hearing on his case, he made his way to Long Beach, thinking he was meeting a 13-year-old. Unfortunately for him, all he found there was Chris Hansen. Once again, he was arrested and thrown in jail. Glad to see Siebert learned his lesson.

5. Rolando Restocruz (Harris County, Ga.)
This Army staff sergeant, a veteran of the Iraq war with a 17-year-old stepdaughter of his own, showed up at the decoy's house, thinking he was about to deflower a virgin. First, he mistook Chris Hansen for the girl's father. Then, he got down on his knees and pleaded that he will undergo counseling or do anything else to avoid having his life ruined. He started crying and you almost feel sorry for the guy. When Hansen dismissed him, Restocruz took his time, knowing what lurked on the other side of the front door.

Which Presidents' Day?

Today is Presidents' Day, and there has been some question as to which presidents are to be honored today. Is today just for Washington and Lincoln? Or is it for all presidents? All deceased presidents? All worthwhile presidents? What about Confederate presidents?

I propose that this holiday should be dedicated to all presidents born in February. That way, in addition to Washington and Lincoln, we are also able to honor Ronald Reagan, though we'd have to throw William Henry Harrison into the mix as well. So, today, we celebrate 3/5 of the future Mt. Rushmore, along with some guy who was in office for a month before he died.

24 Body Count: 11:00 a.m. - 3:00 pm.

11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

11:58 a.m. (noticed) - 2 CTU field agents, apparently shot in vehicle by Graem Bauer's henchmen

DEATHS THIS HOUR: 2
CUMULATIVE DEATHS: 12,344

12:00 p.m. - 1:00 p.m.

12:09 p.m. - Graem Bauer's henchman, shot by Jack Bauer

12:09 p.m. - Graem Bauer's other henchman, shot by Philip Bauer

12:58 p.m. - Graem Bauer, given lethal dose of hyocine-pentothal by Philip Bauer

DEATHS THIS HOUR: 3
CUMULATIVE DEATHS: 12,347

1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.

1:10 p.m. - Darren McCarthy, shot by Rita

1:37 p.m. - Rita, shot by Abu Fayed

1:49 p.m. - 6 of Fayed's henchmen, 2 shot by Jack Bauer and 4 shot by CTU TAC team in firefight

DEATHS THIS HOUR: 8
CUMULATIVE DEATHS: 12,355

2:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

2:57 p.m. - 5 CTU TAC team members, killed in house explosion arranged by Philip Bauer

DEATHS THIS HOUR: 5
CUMULATIVE DEATHS: 12,360

Top Five Baseball Mascots

1. Phillie Phanatic, Philadelphia Phillies
I don't quite know what this thing is, but I do know that the Phanatic is the quintessential baseball mascot. He's big and green and lovable and he drives around the field on an ATV. He's probably the only thing associated with Philadelphia sports that doesn't get booed on a routine basis.

2. Youppi!, Montreal Expos
Youppi! (yes, the exclamation point is part of his name) is the Phanatic's orange cousin from the Great White North. Again, I don't know what he is or what he was supposed to do, but I do remember him hanging out with the kids smoking marijuana in the upper level of the stands in Olympic Stadium. Youppi! is the first crossover mascot in professional sports, since once the Expos left town for Washington, Youppi! found himself with a job offer from the Canadiens of the NHL.

3. Bernie Brewer, Milwaukee Brewers
Bernie Brewer has one of the best jobs in sports. In the old County Stadium, he had his own private chalet in left field from which he got to watch the game. Then, whenever one of the hometown players hit a home run, Bernie slid down from his chalet into a gigantic mug of beer. In the new Miller Park, the chalet has been replaced with a "dugout" and the mug has been replaced with a platform. Leave it to Bud Selig to take the fun out of the one thing the Brewers had going for them.

4. Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
Oh, my mistake. I thought the guy in left field with the big head and the disproportionately-sized arms was the mascot, not a player.

5. Mr. Met, New York Mets
Mr. Met is an oversized person with a baseball for a head and a constant smile on his face. He has a baseball-headed wife (Mrs. Met, or Lady Met) and three baseball-headed children. You might recognize them from their "This is SportsCenter" commercial on ESPN. He just freaks me out, okay?

Honorable Mention #1: Wally the Green Monster, Boston Red Sox
Supposedly, he lived in the left field wall of Fenway park and awoke from a lengthy hibernation in 1997. Traditionalists were appalled. He threw out the first pitch on Kids' Opening Day and was roundly booed. But thanks to Jerry Remy, who made Wally an inanimate but regular part of the NESN broadcasting team, Red Sox Nation has gradually warmed to Wally. Heck, the team wasn't doing so hot without a mascot and it won the World Series with him onboard, so how can you be angry?

Honorable Mention #2: Chief Noc-A-Homa, Atlanta Braves
Back when you could get away with creating caricatures of racial stereotypes, the Atlanta Braves had a guy dressed up like an Indian who would sit in a teepee in the bleachers, and whenever one of the Braves hit a home run, he would emerge and do an Indian dance. Ah, the good old days, back before everyone was hypersensitive about everything.

Trapped On A Plane

During yesterday's storm, passengers on several jetBlue flights were trapped on the tarmac from anywhere between five and eleven hours. While the airline said it was hoping the weather would break so it could send fully-loaded planes to take off as soon as possible, the reality is that the jetbridges at the terminal were fully-occupied, leaving the airline with no way to deplane passengers. An inbound flight from Ft. Myers was even required to wait eight hours for a spot to open up. They sat on the tarmac, with the terminal in sight, from approximately 10:30 a.m. until after 6 p.m.

What I have yet to understand is the stubborn insistence by American-based airlines (or airports) that all mainline aircraft dock at a jetbridge. It's happened to me a couple of times, where an inbound flight to a hub airport has to wait for a gate, even though it arrived early. We sat in what's nicknamed the "penalty box" for anywhere between five and 45 minutes. On one occasion, it spoiled my connection, and I was stuck at Washington-Dulles for four more hours than I would have liked (I got a free cross-country upgrade in the process, but that's another story).

Anyhow, In Europe, even at major airports like London-Heathrow, Frankfurt, Paris-Charles de Gaulle, and Brussels, flights often park in a remote area of the tarmac, where passengers disembark via stairs and are bussed to the main terminal. Passengers generally dislike the long bus rides to the outer reaches of the airport, but when there's nowhere else to go, you'd choose the bus over sitting still any day.

It seems easy enough for airports to lease a couple of busses to park on airport property and train random airline employees how to drive them. Then, if there's a situation where a plane is stuck without a gate, the airline can swing into action, dispatching employees to drive the bus, the luggage cart, the stairs, the catering truck, and whatever else is needed over to the plane, rather than making the plane come to them. While my idea has been dismissed as impractical by some familiar with the airline industry, it doesn't seem like too much hassle. It's a great thing to do from a customer service standpoint, even when minor delays are taking place, but especially when a major storm paralyzes operations. Nobody should have to sit on an immobile plane for eight hours, and if jetBlue had some sort of remote deplaning operation ready to go, it wouldn't be in the news today.

Top Five Fast Food Dollar Menu Mainstays

When you're in a rush, or, when you're driving down Route 9 looking for a quick bite that doesn't involve you getting out of the car, these are my top five guilty pleasures. They might not be the healthiest things for you, but frankly, the price is right and they hit the spot.

1. 4-piece Chicken McNuggets, McDonald's
I love Chicken McNuggets and I always have. The first time I went to McDonald's, I ordered a Chicken McNuggets Happy Meal, and I fell in love. When Mickey D's created its dollar menu, it eventually included a box of four McNuggets. Getting three boxes of four is actually cheaper than a single box of ten. I like to eat the crispy outside of a McNugget first and then dunk it into the Sweet & Sour Sauce.

2. Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe, Wendy's
When you get a 99-cent cheeseburger from McDonald's, it's a microwaved burger with two pickles, miniscule onion cubes, and a squirt of ketchup and mustard. For the same price at Wendy's, not only do you get a fresh-made burger, you get lettuce, tomato, a couple of onion rings, and mayonnaise. There's no question here.

3. Snacker, KFC
It's a Colonel's Strip on a finger roll with some shredded lettuce and a zesty mayonnaise-based sauce. So why is KFC's snacker sandwich so goddamn good? I think the Honey BBQ version is alright, I'm not crazy about the Buffalo or Cheese versions, and don't get me started about the fish, but the original is the best. So simple, yet so delicious!

4. McChicken, McDonald's
The McChicken is basically the Snacker with more chicken, more bun, plain mayonnaise, and one or two hundred more calories. It used to be the case that you didn't know what dregs of the chicken you'd be getting, but since Mickey D's switched to all-white meat, you can rest assured that your dollar sandwich is slightly upscale.

5. Chili, Wendy's
I'd like to shake the hand of the genius who came up with fast food (excuse me, quick service) chili, because he developed one of the most ingenious concepts in the history of man. Of course, I'd want to make sure he isn't missing any fingers first. It's actually pretty good chili, with beans and ground beef in it. For those like myself who like to make their fast food an interactive activity, the chili comes with saltine crackers and hot sauce that you can add in as you please.

Note: Burger King is not included on this list, since I have boycotted Burger King ever since becoming a McDonald's shareholder in 1993. Also, while Taco Bell is one of my favorites, about the only thing you can get for less than a buck there is a bag of nacho chips with a cup of cheese. Meh.

21st Century Heresy

As Harvard welcomes its new president, It's A Magical World would just like to take some time to ensure her predecessor is not forgotten. When Larry Summers made his now infamous comments in January 2005, yours truly was not around to comment on it. So, we'll go ahead and do it now.

For those of you living under a rock, at a conference held by the National Bureau of Economic Research, Summers said there is a greater variance in intelligence among men than among women, and that the difference could be intrinsic. He then stated that he "would like nothing better than to be proved wrong." Predictably, the left-leaning ivory tower academic community hit the roof. For Summers to suggest something so heretical to the progressive conception of the world to which they sought to subscribe was appalling. There was no possible way it could be true, because the academics decided there was no possible way it could be true. It was not worth investigating at all because the very idea was so obviously wrong.

Despite the fact that Summers literally pleaded for people to investigate and refute his claims, he had to repeatedly apologize for saying what he said and had to perform penance by hiring more female faculty. But his comments set the wheels in motion for what would ultimately lead to his resignation. Harvard even had to absolve itself of Summers' sin by hiring a female president.

I don't have nearly enough information to either agree or disagree with Summers. I do know, from my personal experience, that there are inherent differences between men and women, so his suggestion doesn't seem all that unreasonable. It's at least worth looking into. And if there indeed is some critical difference in the way boys and girls learn, I'd rather know about it so we can structure our educational system accordingly, rather than sweeping it under the rug and insisting there's no possible way it could be the truth.

Keep mind that when Galileo proposed that the earth revolves around the sun and not vice-versa, his theories were so heretical that he was sentenced to house arrest and was forced to recant, under threat of excommunication from the Catholic Church. Well, guess what history proved to us?

Madame President

Last week's worst-kept secret finally became official today, when Harvard University announced that Drew Gilpin Faust has been selected to assume the presidency of the university this summer. I have absolutely no objection whatsoever to Harvard's selection of a woman to lead the university. What I do hope is that the Harvard Corporation didn't select Faust for the job just because she's a woman. I hope that Harvard could consider both men and women for the job on a completely even basis. Unfortunately, I don't think that was the case.

While Faust's credentials are solid, they don't rise to the extraordinary level I would expect of the person selected to lead the nation's oldest and most prestigious university. Faust has never been the head of an institution of higher learning. Her top post to date has been dean of the Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study. I still haven't quite figured out exactly what the Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study is, but I do know that while it has the same status as Harvard's other graduate schools, it doesn't actually enroll any students. Going from head of a modestly-sized research institute with no students to head of a major American university with 20,000 students is quite the step to make. While her predecessor, Larry Summers, had no academic administration experience, at least he had spent some time heading up a cabinet department in the federal government. Looking at her credentials, I can't quite discern what set her apart from everyone else, except for a certain chromosomal make-up.

Another thing that troubles me is that the ivory tower types in Harvard's Faculty of Arts and Sciences succeeded in getting one of their own appointed to the presidency. Now, there's no threat of somebody with actual real-world experience telling them things they don't want to hear, even if he may actually have a point worth investigating. As much as the FAS doesn't want to admit it, they are a minority in the University. The faculty of Harvard's grad schools -- you know, the parts of Harvard that actually teach people how to survive in the real world instead of how to perpetuate your own existence -- outnumber the FAS and seem to realize there is a world outside of Harvard that the university must recognize to remain relevant.

I wish Faust luck. Her skills and credentials (if not her gender) must have impressed the Harvard Corporation enough to the point where they were willing to extend her the position. Maybe she'll do a fantastic job. But I remain skeptical. She still has work to do to win me over.

Trivia Potpourri

1. All versions of the 50 State Quarters have George Washington on the heads side. Whch states have a likeness of George Washington on the tails side as well?

2. Which four modern Olympic sports were also contested at the ancient Olympic games? (Some sports may include multiple events)

3. How many present-day countries in Europe are monarchies? Name them, and for bonus points, name the reigning monarch.

4. Which metropolitan areas have hosted the Super Bowl in two different stadiums?

5. How many states currently have one Republican and one Democrat in the United States Senate?

6. How many U.S presidents have served without appointing a Justice to the Supreme Court?

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Top Five Top Five Lists

So I'm cheating by combining multiple posts into single line items group by subject. Big deal. I make the rules here anyway!

1. Top Five Reasons Why Yellowstone Is Amazing (August 16, 2006)
This post was the zenith of It's A Magical World's project chronicling my grandiose tour of the Western United States this past summer. As I said in the post, Yellowstone is the 800-pound gorilla of national parks with multiple diverse reasons to visit, any one of which alone would justify a trip. Since it was the centerpiece of the trip, it deserved a bit of special recognition, which I gave it through a Top Five list. (Since I originally published the post, Yahoo! Photos overhauled its interface, thus destroying the hyperlinks to my photos. You can still find them if you're willing to hunt around a bit.

2a. Top Five Most Difficult Types Of Reality Show Challenges (July 23, 2006)
2b. Top Five Reality Show Dismissal Lines (July 25, 2006)
2c. Top Five Reality Show Contestants (August 1, 2006)
2d. Top Five Cruel Reality Show Twists (February 3, 2007)
I love reality television. I love to brag about how much I know about reality television. And I love how it takes a total reality television geek to sort, compare, and contrast different challenges, contestants, twists, and dismissal lines across reality television shows. Why the heck am I so proud about it?

3. Top Five Airline Seats (December 24, 2006)
This post goes to show not only that I keep track of such minutiae in the first place but that I have a good enough command of the minutiae to rank them in a list. I love travel, and as a consequence, I spend a lot of time on airplanes. I can't understand how anybody who travels as much as me doesn't keep track of which seats they sit in, but then again, some people have more important things to think about.

4a. Top Five Objections To College Football Bowl Games (December 3, 2006)
4b. Top Five Worst Types Of Sponsored College Bowl Names (December 31, 2006)
In this pairing of Top Five lists, I injected a bit (okay, a lot) of cynicism into the regular happy-go-lucky posting where I share my feelings about how a bunch of different things in a category stack up against each other. While I remain largely critical about the hypocrisy of college athletics in general, my most intense vitriol is reserved for college football. I don't know what's worse -- the universities' shameless drooling over any dollar that might float their way or the laughable smokescreen they throw up, claiming that their number one concern is actually academics.

5a. Top Five Urban Panoramas (August 8, 2006)
5b. Top Five Foreign Natural Wonders (August 10, 2006)
This pair of posts, which were published in anticipation of my trip out West, recounted some of my past travel experiences. It was my goal to capture a little bit of the beauty I experienced abroad and communicate it to my readers. I have seen some truly other-worldly adventures in the course of my adventures, and while I know that the printed word or even photographs can hardly convey what I saw and felt, it's the best I can do with the tools I have.

Honorable Mention: Top Five It's A Magical World Posts (September 13, 2006)
What would one of these milestones be without a self-indulgent meta-reference? This list captured the best of the first hundred posts. My works have doubled in size since that time, but it's always great to look back at where we've come from and try to get a sense of where we might be heading.

Happy 200th Post!

"My life is for itself and not for a spectacle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

Today, we celebrate yet another milestone for It's A Magical World, as we have reached our 200th post. Again, it's been quite a ride, and the good news is that we're showing no signs of slowing down. Each day brings a new opportunity for another top five list or for commentary on the political issue of the day or a recap of the latest in trashy reality television. To all my faithful readers, thank you again for participating in our mutualistic symbiotic relationship -- I enjoy talking about random stuff tangentially connected with my life, and you evidently enjoy reading it.

So, as we press forward onto our third(!) group of one hundred posts, I encourage you all to keep on reading, keep on (or start) submitting comments, and keep on appreciating the otherwise irrelevant minutia in life. Stay tuned tomorrow for another installment in It's A Magical World's tradition of milestone-marking self-indulgent back-patting!

Top Five Cruel Reality Show Twists

1. Outcast Tribe, Survivor: Pearl Islands
The castaways voted off Survivor in the early tribal councils are never supposed to be heard from again. Their chance at a million bucks is over and done with in the matter of days. It's not like they're even part of the jury. Well, maybe not quite. In this season of Survivor, the first six people to be voted off the island were kept at a separate camp, supposedly living and eating under the same conditions as the remaining castaways (though they did look remarkable well-rested and nourished). They returned to compete in a challenge as the Outcast Tribe, with the incentive that up to two Outcasts would return to the game if their tribe could defeat either or both of the other tribes in an immunity challenge.

2. Non-Elimination Leg Penalties, The Amazing Race 5-9
Each season, several of the legs on The Amazing Race are predetermined non-elimination legs. Starting in Season 5, in order to penalize the team that would have otherwise been eliminated from the race, Phil Keoghan required them to turn over all their money. They would not receive money to begin the next leg either and would be forced to beg on the streets for cash. Then, in Season 7, they upped the ante by stripping teams of not only their money but of all their possessions except their passports and the clothes on the back. Ironically, this penalty actually seemed to help the last-place teams, since they could continue the race unencumbered. (This penalty has apparently been discontinued as of season 10.)

3. Living In Tents, The Apprentice 6
In The Apprentice's first season outside of New York, Donald Trump decided to add a little twist, just because he's cruel and just because he could. Instead of living in a suite or a mansion, the losing team each week would have to live in tents in the backyard, without such modern comforts as heat, hot water, appliances, or proper toilets. The candidates who thought they'd be tested on their business acumen ended up getting a challenge to their physical hardiness. In a way, it became urban Survivor.

4. Fast Forward, Big Brother All-Stars
In the eighth week of the show, Danielle was evicted on Thursday night's live show. But the excitement had just begun. Julie Chen informed the houseguests that they would proceed through another week's worth of events -- Head of Household competition, nomination ceremony, Power of Veto competition, veto ceremony, and eviction -- all in the span of 20 minutes. It caught the houseguests by surprise, and with no time to campaign or prepare for the challenges, Chicken George found himself on the outs even after dodging eviction the first time.

5. Colored Pebble Tiebreaker, Survivor: Marquesas
When it came down to the final four on this season of Survivor, the remaining castaways deadlocked on a 2-2 vote. But instead of breaking the tie based on previous votes received as had been done in seasons past (or a challenge) Jeff Probst explained that all the tribe members (except the person with the immunity necklace) would draw a stone from a bag. Whoever ended up with the purple pebble would be eliminated, regardless of whether they were one of the two castaways over whom the tribe was deadlocked. As a result, Paschal English, despite not having had a single vote cast against him the entire season, had his torch extinguished.

Honorable Mention: My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
This twist doesn't quite fit into the category, since it was a surprise only to the hapless, gullible, sole contestant, and not to the viewing public. After putting up with this ill-mannered, unseemly buffoon for two week, after lying to her family that she was getting married, after convincing them to come to California and be there for the ceremony, Randi Coy saw her efforts supposedly go up in flames when her phony fiance announced that the whole thing was a setup. Her family became irate and stormed out of the ceremony. Eventually she found out that her fiance was actually an actor and that she had indeed successfully completed the challenge and won half a million dollars.

Terrorism Fears? Or Terrorism Hopes?

When I was in high school, I wrote a screenplay satirizing The X-Files. My Fox Mulder character, steadfast in his belief that we have been visited by aliens and so desperate to find evidence of this extraterrestrial life, convinced himself that a pool of water developing under a couple's bed was in fact an alien organism. Pure logic and common sense couldn't convince him otherwise. The rational explanation was repeatedly ignored because it wasn't the answer he was looking for.

Fast forward to two days ago. Boston's homeland security apparatus, desperate to justify its own existence, turned a youth-oriented guerilla marketing campaign into a full-blown terrorism scare. They confused an oversized Lite-Brite display of a cartoon character, fueled by four "D" cell batteries, with an improvised explosive device. The fearmongers in our government, not to mention the media goons who feed on public hysteria, seemed incredibly happy that they had discovered unmistakeable proof that Boston was indeed the North American equivalent of Baghdad.

To their complete disappointment, the massive traffic shutdowns, paramilitary operations, and political posturing turned out to be much ado about nothing. Two stoner kids are being charged with planting a hoax device -- a charge that won't even stand up in court, given the required element that the perpetrator must intend to create a public panic. It's a far cry from the second coming of 9/11 that Fortress America types pray for every day. And I still don't get why the cop who took the display down from the highway support didn't just look at the back of it and, realizing that the key ingredient for an explosive device (namely the explosive) was absent, call the whole scare off. On second thought, perhaps I do, considering that these are the same people who look at a plastic bottle with a clear liquid and automatically conclude it's a solvent to be used to denotate a commercial airliner, rather than harmless, inert water. Any precaution is worthwhile if it reminds us how we're constantly under attack, right?

By the way, I love how the same media that was so thrilled to whip the population of Greater Boston into a terrified frenzy demonstrated how "responsible" they were by blurring the single vertical line of LED's that was supposed to represent the cartoon character's middle finger, lest any highly impressionable children be watching.

Playing The Spread, Super Bowl XLI

Back in the day (pre-2001), the Super Bowl was always a major event on my calendar. It really didn't matter who was playing. Rarely did I have any stake in the game, and when I did, it was most often financial. I just wanted to take part in the spectacle -- you know, watch the game, see the commercials, have some nachos or buffalo wings. On those rare occasions that the Patriots actually played in the big game, it was a foregone conclusion that they would be smoked by the ever-dominant NFC.

Then, in February 2002, things changed. Once again, the Pats made it to the big game and were double-digit underdogs. But unlike their last two appearance, the pats pulled off the major upset. They would go on to win two more Super Bowls in the next three years. All of a sudden, the Super Bowl went from being this social event featuring two interchangeable teams to an actual football game that I watched intensely, pulling for a very specific outcome. I began to think that every single year, the New England Patriots had a legitimate shot at winning that game. It became much more than a TV show.

Now, it's been two full years since the Pats last played for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. It seems like an eternity. I've been majorly spoiled. If the Pats aren't in the Super Bowl, I really don't care. This year, I was actually considering not even bothering to watch the game. (Then again, that decision might have more to do with the fact that the Pats were so close to making it only to have the Colts do what I had previously thought was impossible.) I came to my senses, and this Sunday, once again, I'll be glued to the tube, at least until the Peyton Manning coronation begins. Then, I will excuse myself to the bathroom and vomit.

For the last time until September, the following picks for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 1-1
Season to date: 133-126-7

Bears (+7) over Colts
L-rd, if you exist, the best possible thing you can do to prove it is make sure that Peyton Manning and the Colts do not win the Super Bowl this year. Okay, fine, maybe solving hunger and ensuring world peace might be slightly higher priorities, but is asking for Adam Vinatieri to shank a potential game-winner in the closing seconds too big a request? LOSS