Top Five Sports That Aren't Really Sports

This top five list covers those competitions that are undeservedly covered by the media as if they were sports, since they're not real sports.

1. Competitive Eating
Okay, I admit that it's an exercise in physical exertion and that the likes of Kobayashi and Eric "Badlands" Booker train long and hard in order to ingest inhuman amounts of food. But just because something is physical doesn't make it into a sport. These gluttons are no closer to athletes than those freaks on the Guinness World of Records shows that test how much weight they can suspend from their earlobes or how many needles they can stick into their body without bleeding to death.

2. Figure Skating
I've said it before and I'll say it again: any competition in which you wear a costume instead of a uniform is not a sport. I recognize the tremendous athletic ability necessary to perform triple axels and quad toe loops, but the fact that a routine must be set to music and is graded on "artistic impression" effectively moves it out of the sport category.

2a. Ice Dancing
The "sport" includes the word "dancing" in its name. If you thought figure skating was bad, ice dancing takes away the high-risk aerial maneuvers and replaces them with an increased emphasis on artistry. Plus, it's fixed, which makes ice dancing more akin to pro wrestling, rather than any other Olympic sports.

3. Ballroom Dancing
Emmitt Smith and Apolo Anton Ohno proved that athletic ability is a key asset when it comes to ballroom dancing. However, if you can make not one but two American Idol ripoffs out of a competition, it can't be considered a sport.


4. Spelling Bees
I'm all in favor of giving nerdy-looking socially-awkward middle schoolers their time in the spotlight. After all, after being repeatedly stuffed into lockers with their underwear pulled over their head, these kids deserve a break. But one look at these kids (and their overbearing helicopter parents) and you know they're not athletes.

5. Dog Shows
Each year, the Westminster Kennel Club dog show is covered by the USA Network as if it were a sporting event, complete with Joe Garagiola on the (incredibly misinformed) color commentary. (As an aside, let me take this opportunity to recommend the movie "Best In Show" to any of you out there who haven't yet seen it. The movie is one of the most hilarious things I have seen.) The problem with dog shows is that virtually all of the work is done beforehand. First, you have to breed the perfect animal (and any competition which relies upon eugenics is just plain creepy). Then you have to groom the animal perfectly. When you get to the ring, all you have to do is walk the animal around without having him jump up on the judge. Unlike obedience competitions, there's not much that needs to be done when the pressure's on. Instead, it's a canine version of those vegetable judging competitions at the state fair.