Gothamfreude

Of all the things in the sports world that bring me joy, watching New York teams embarrass themselves ranks second only to seeing Boston teams win the big games. Whether it's Eli Manning getting clocked and coughing up the ball or Isiah Thomas making yet another boneheaded personnel decision or some Islander goon smacking another player across the face with his stick, seeing New Yorkers make those foolish mistakes fills me with glee.

Now, it might not rank up there with blowing a 3-0 lead in the ALCS, but the latest collapse by the Mets is one which the New Yorkers won't forget for a while. The Mets led the NL East by seven games with 17 to play, yet lost 12 of those final 17 games, coughing up the division lead to the Phillies. As of yesterday, the Mets and Phils were tied for the lead, both needing to win to assure themselves of at least a single-game playoff for the postseason, if not a berth outright. The Mets' odds looked pretty good, seeing as how they were facing off against the 70-91 Florida Marlins with future Hall of Famer Tom Glavine on the mound. Yet, Glavine couldn't make it out of the first inning. He gave up seven runs but notched only one out before getting the hook. The Mets never recovered from the early onslaught and went on to drop the game 8-1, missing out on the playoffs altogether.

It's not just the fact that the Mets lost that makes me so happy, it's the fact that they crashed and burned in such dramatic fashion. If they played the Marlins to a close game and lost on a bad bounce in the late innings, it would be one thing. But the Mets were never in the game from the outset. Rank this one up there with Kevin Brown's oh-so-dismal Game Seven choke in the 2004 ALCS. Sure, it would have been even better if it were the Yankees, but the Sox will have a chance to take care of the Yanks themselves in a couple of weeks.

The International Language

Yesterday, I was sitting in the law school student center selling tickets for a trip to Six Flags New England that will take place next weekend. A graduate student from Asia came by and asked me what Six Flags was. I told him that it was an amusement park, but with his limited command of English, he didn't seem to understand. I then described it as a theme park and a carnival, but he still didn't comprehend. His friend from India tried the words joyland or playland, but neither seemed to clicked. Finally, I thought of a word that means the same thing in every language and perfectly describes what I wanted to convey.

"It's like Disneyland," I said. He understood completely and signed right up.

Locking It Down

In connection with one of my law school classes, I toured the Middlesex County Jail in East Cambridge yesterday. Situated on the top four floors of the 21-story Edward Sullivan Courthouse, the jail houses approximately 350 pre-trial detainees, despite the fact that it was originally constructed to house half as many.

As a result, the jail is horribly overcrowded. The cells are all full, so inmates sleep on bunk beds laid side to side, barely a foot apart, in the hallways of the cellblocks. Other rooms, which are barely bigger than my living room, house over a dozen inmates. Inmates without their own cells have tiny storage lockers for their possessions. The jail also includes an administrative segregation wing with six individual cells, as well as a protective custody area.

For recreation, the inmates have a small gym with several cardio machines, half a dozen weight machines, and a ping pong table, along with two rooftop yards, each containing half a basketball court. While outdoors, the yards are fenced in by concrete walls with only small slits giving a view of the outside world. The jail cafeteria serves three meals a day. The jail also has a chapel with weekly services conducted by clergy of various faiths, along with a small library and a full-service medical clinic.

One thing the correctional officers will tell you as soon as you enter the jail is that it's a pre-trial facility, meaning that the inmates must be consider innocent, since they have not yet been proven guilty. As a result, the officers remain very cognizant of the inmates' constitutional rights and treat the inmates with the utmost respect. In many respects, the inmates and the officers are equals, working side-by-side to prepare meals in the kitchen or sitting together . By treating the inmates like fellow human beings, it reduces (though it doesn't eliminate) the animosity that leads to prisoner-officer conflagrations.

While it may be a pre-trial detention facility, it is still a detention facility for which time spent before conviction is applied toward your ultimate sentence. Therefore, it's not supposed to be particularly comfortable. Certain security procedures must be followed as well. What seemed most awful about the jail is the complete lack of personal space and the boredom that predominates during the day. When you go to sleep at night, there very well may be other inmates lying down within a foot or two on either side of you. During the day, there isn't much of anywhere you can go outside of meal and recreation periods. As a result, most inmates spend their days just sitting or lying down on their beds or perhaps wandering around the cell blocks. It just seems downright miserable. But it could be much, much worse.

Today I Am A Man

Since 1980, September 27th has always been a special day in the history of the world. (September 31st is a special day as well, but that's another story for another time.) However, September 27th, 2007, is an extraordinarily special day, since it is not just my birthday but my 27th birthday. Yeah, that's right -- I'm turning 27 on the 27th. Starting this afternoon (at precisely 3:24 p.m.) I am officially in my late 20's. I now definitively feel like I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. Sure, I was closer to 30 than 20 last year, but when you're 26, you're not all that much closer. A little bit of denial can sweep that inconvenient fact under the rug. But once you hit 27, all the denial in the world can't lull you into that comfortable state of contrived delusion.

My eminently wise high school math teacher Peter Atlas gave us the following piece of advice: "Don't ever believe it when people tell you that your college years are the best years of your life. If that's true, it means that the last 60 years are all downhill. Can you believe what life would be like if people actually peaked in their early 20's?" Optimist that I am, I've taken Mr. Atlas' words to heart. I may be getting older, but my life is getting better. I am merely getting started. If you thought the first 27 years were fun, just wait.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 4

Two weeks ago, in overtime, Sebastian Janikowski had kicked what appeared to be a game-winning 52 yard field goal against the Denver Broncos. Unbeknownst to him, Denver coach Mike Shanahan had signaled for a timeout just before the snap and the sideline official had blown his whistle to stop the game. Janikowski had to kick again and this time around, he plunked the kick off the upright. This past week, learning from Shanahan, Raiders coach Lane Kiffen called a last-minute timeout just before the Browns' Phil Dawson delivered his potential game-winner, forcing Dawson to rekick. This time around, the kick was blocked.

The tactic of icing the kicker with a late timeout is nothing new. What is new, however, is that coaches can now call timeouts themselves. When it was up to defensive players to make the call themselves, they would signal to the umpire who would blow his whistle and wave his arms. The umpire would be directly in the center's line of sight, so once he realized the play was dead, he wouldn't snap the ball. Now, when the side judge blows play dead, it takes a split second for the players and officials near the line of scrimmage to figure out what's happening and the kick takes place before people realize it's supposed to stop.

People disagree on whether taking field goal attempts that wouldn't count is even a bad thing. But the problem is that any attempt to curtail kicker-icing tactics is bound to make officiating more complicated. How are referees supposed to distinguish between a timeout to ice the kicker and a bona fide timeout called because one of the players noticed a last-minute flaw in his team's defense? Some might suggest that we forbid coaches from calling timeouts on field goal attempts, but again, what if it's a timeout for other reasons. The whole point of giving coaches the right to call timeout is to let them stop the game if they see something their players don't notice.

My feeling is that timeouts to ice the kicker and the occasional nullified field goal are just part of the game. We are dealing with professionals here who should be able to hit a 42-yard field goal on eight of ten attempts. They should expect that opposing teams will attempt to ice them, and if they don't hear the whistle before taking a kick, they should consider it a free warm-up. It's unfair to require officials to call the game based on speculation about the motives of certain teams. Just allow the last-second timeouts to take place and deal with them.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-6-3
Season to date: 23-19-6
Best Bets: 1-2
Eliminator: 3-0
The Monkey: 2-1

Packers (-1.5) over Vikings
Back when the Packers were perennial contenders, their annual trip to the Metrodome usually resulted in an upset. But that was before the Vikings had to make a quarterback decision between Damned If You Do Jackson and Damned If You Don't Holcomb. WIN

Texans (-3) over Falcons
When the schedule makers set up this game, it was supposed to be understudy Matt Schaub's return to Atlanta to face his former superior, Michael Vick. The best laid plans fall by the wayside when multiple sets of indictments are involved. LOSS

Jets (-3.5) over Bills
Poor Buffalo. No team deserves to have to deal with so many injuries. Then again, I remember a certain Patriots team that suffered injury after injury but still won the Super Bowl. LOSS

Ravens (-4.5) over Browns
The league office sent a memo to the Ravens this week informing them that they don't get bonus points in the standings for building up huge leads and then seeing how close they can get to blowing the game without actually losing. LOSS

Cowboys (-13) over Rams
There's one team in the NFC that's capable of giving the AFC a run for its money in the Super Bowl. I can't see the Rams posing much of a hurdle on the Cowboys' inevitable march toward Glendale. WIN

Bears (-3) over Lions
Four games ago, Rex Grossman was the starting QB in the Super Bowl. Now, he's warming the bench. My, how the mighty have fallen. (Then again, many people would insist that Grossman was never mighty.) LOSS

Raiders (+4) over Dolphins
Lane Kiffin actually won a game with the Raiders, which already puts him halfway to the number of wins Art Shell had last year. Maybe Kiffen will actually survive until next season. WIN

49ers (+2) over Seattle
If the entire NFC West finishes at 8-8 or below, can we just have them forfeit their playoff spot and give it to a team from the AFC that actually deserves it? LOSS

Bucs (+3) over Panthers
Jeff Garcia visits Charlotte is his continuing quest for a Super Bowl ring to share his fireplace mantle with his wife's Playmate Of The Year award. (I wouldn't have minded being at that wedding.) WIN

Steelers (-6) over Cardinals
So what if Mike Tomlin had no head coaching experience and spent only one year as a coordinator? When you have talent like the Steelers do, you don't really need to do much actual coaching. LOSS

Chiefs (+11.5) over Chargers
Somewhere, Marty Schottenheimer is watching TV and smiling. I hear there's a job with the Giants that's opening up pretty soon. Also, LaDanian Tomlinson is one reason why I'm glad I don't play in a fantasy league. WIN

Colts (-9.5) over Broncos
For all the people who call Mike Shanahan a tactical genius, I say this: 4th and 5, own nine-yard line, down 20-14, 4:19 to play, shotgun, deep pass over the middle, incomplete. Not so brilliant anymore, is here? WIN

Eagles (-3) over Giants
Philadelphia finally figured out that all they must do to start winning games is show up wearing heinous sky blue and yellow uniforms thus force other teams into a nausea-ridden visual stupor. LOSS

Patriots (-7) over Bengals
Can the Patriots score 38 points for the fourth week in a row? Against a Bengals defense that gave up 52 to the Browns, I'd be shocked if they didn't. WIN

BEST BET: Packers (-1.5) over Vikings WIN
ELIMINATOR: New York Jets LOSS

THE MONKEY: Jets (-3.5) over Bills LOSS

The Price Of Democracy

Today was election day in my hometown of Somerville. Early this morning, I went to my polling place to vote in the sole race being contested today, the mayoral primary. The mayoral race is non-partisan, so state law requires a primary if the number of candidates exceeds double the number of spaces available. So, today, we rounded down the number of candidates from three to two, and on November 6th, we'll round it down from two to one (despite the fact that the incumbent, Joe Curtatone, carried 77% of the vote in the primary and his reelection is all but assured).

There were about ten senior citizens working the polls this morning, checking people in, handing out ballots, demonstrating to voters how to fill out their ballots (when requested), checking people out once they voted, and directing voters as they fed their ballots into the tabulation machine. Plus, according to state law, a police officer must be present at all times when the polls are open. My polling station is in a private apartment complex for which the city must pay rent. Over the course of the twelve hours during which the polls were open, a mere 154 people cast ballots. And consider that my polling station was just one of approximately twenty scattered throughout the city. When you think about the salaries, police details, and rent, it really adds up.

Consider also that several precincts in Somerville were just at the polls two weeks ago to participate in a special primary election for the state senate seat vacated by Jarrett Barrios. Even though there was a municipal election already scheduled for two weeks later, state law requires special elections to be completed by a certain date after the seat is vacated. So, Somerville needed to set up the whole election apparatus on two separate occasions just 15 days apart. The general election portion of the state senate race is scheduled for October 9th, even though there will already be a municipal election less than a month later.

What bothers me about this system is that the state mandates the schedules and procedures and regulations for elections while the municipalities are stuck paying the bill. A city like Somerville that seeks to save money by consolidating its election finds its hands tied by the state. I'm a huge fan of democracy and I completely support the idea of giving people the right to select their own leaders, but we can do things more efficiently. Therefore, I propose the following changes to the system:

1. Designate two days per year for national and state elections
The state should designate one day in September for a state primary and one day in November for the general election. These days should correspond to any national election days imposed by Congress. Municipalities will know of these dates in advance and can schedule their own elections to correspond in order to save money. If they so desire to spend money on additional or alternate dates, it's up to them. But the state will not mandate any elections beyond those that take place on those two days.

2. Allow for temporary appointments to fill vacant seats
Under this proposed system, elections to fill vacant seats can only take place on one of the two pre-designated dates. So what happens if a seat is vacated ten months before the next election? I propose that the state governor should have the power to temporarily fill vacant seats by appointment, possibly subject to certain restrictions, such as requiring that replacement officers come from the same party as their predecessors. We already allow two-year vacancy appointments for the United States Senate, which is a far more powerful office than anything in a state legislature.

3. Eliminate the primary requirement for non-partisan races
Primaries make sense where individual parties need to select their nominee, but mandatory primaries are much less useful in a nonpartisan race where all candidates run against each other.
If there is no clear winner in an open election, it makes sense to hold a runoff. But where one candidate captures more votes than all of his opponents combined, having a runoff is a waste of time. The way it works in Massachusetts, if three candidates run with the vote totals coming down split 79%-11%-10%, it's clear that the front-runner has a mandate. The second-place candidate gets to stay in the race even though he was spanked by the front-runner and only managed a few more votes than the third-place candidate. A mandatory runoff in the face of such a huge margin of victory is a waste of time.

4. Explore mail-based and internet voting options
Having a brick-and-mortar polling station may be necessary in order to fulfill constitutional requirements (not everyone has a computer, and homeless individuals might not have a mailbox at which a ballot can be sent to them). But if a municipality wants to consolidate its polling stations and encourage people to vote by remote means, it should be encouraged. Of course, any system will need to have safeguards to prevent tampering and voter fraud, but the future is in cyberspace voting. States and municipalities should recognize the cost savings in such approaches and start moving in that direction.

A Parade Of Idiots

On Friday, an MIT student was arrested at Logan Airport while wearing an electronic device with wires and flashing LED's that appeared to be a bomb. Homeland Security alarmists live for such an incident, as do commentators like myself who enjoy pointing out when people act like idiots.

IDIOT: Star Simpson
The MIT student constructed her glowing sweatshirt apparatus to impress prospective employers at the MIT career fair. But she made the dubious decision to keep the sweatshirt on in general public, particularly among the highly-sensitive folks at Logan Airport who pride themselves for being on the front line of the War On Terror. And as if the circuit board weren't enough, Simpson inexplicably felt the need to accessorize her artwork by carrying a lump of Play-Doh. MIT students are supposed to be brilliant. What did Simpson really think would happen? At the very least, she would have gotten a whole bunch of weird looks.

IDIOT: State Police Major Scott Pare
After the arrest, the commanding officer of the airport police troop declared that the incident is a reminder of the terrorism threat confronting the civil aviation system. He's wrong. What Simpson did involved no terrorist threat whatsoever. If the State Police had thwarted an actual bombing, things would have been different. But in this case, all the incident reminds us is that we're continuously on edge about a terrorist threat that might or might not actually exist. If the past eight months are any indication, Boston faces a much greater threat from performance artists than from terrorists.

IDIOT: The media
I find the media to be particularly complicit in this epidemic of Homeland Security alarmism. In its headline and lead, the Associated Press described the device as a "fake bomb," despite the fact that nothing else in the article indicated that the device was anything besides a piece of artwork mistaken by others as an explosive. Additionally, the Boston Globe stated that Simpson faces up to five years in prison if convicted of possessing a hoax device. While the Globe is technically correct, in that the statutory maximum for such an offense is five years, there is virtually no chance that a person with no record convicted of a nonviolent offense would face a day in prison, let alone multiple years. If the prosecutor would ask for such a sentence, the judge would laugh in out of court. A much more likely sentence would involve some combination of a fine, community service, and a year or two of probation. For the Globe to focus on the theoretical maximum sentence rather than the probable punishment is just plain misleading.

NOT AN IDIOT: Maria Moncayo
The Massport information booth staffer did entirely the right thing by reporting Simpson and her apparatus to the police. This incident wasn't a repeat of the massive overreaction that took place earlier this year when alarmists mistook a collection of Lite-Brite boards with cartoon characters giving obscene gestures as a well-concerted terrorist attack. Sure, any Al-Qaeda operative worth his kaffiyeh would make some effort to conceal the bomb instead of strutting around the airport showing it off, but a mentally ill copycat bomber might not take such a precaution. You can install all the metal detectors in the world, but our greatest defense against a terrorist threat (whether real or imagined) is a willingness for people to speak up when something seems amiss.

Top Five Dominant Athletes

These athletes revolutionized their sports and were head and shoulders above anybody else in their generation.

1. Babe Ruth, baseball
The Sultan of Swat singlehandedly doubled the single season home run record over the course of his career. His 714 career homers would not be eclipsed for four decades (and only twice since). The New York Yankees had to build the largest baseball stadium ever constructed just to handle all the fans who wanted to see Ruth play. And to cap it all off, Ruth spent much of his career on the sauce.

2. Michael Jordan, basketball
His Airness made an art form out of the slam dunk. With his tongue flapping, he led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships. At a ridiculous 30.1 points per game over his entire career, Jordan holds the NBA record for scoring average. Jordan was also the first athlete to transcend the world of sports, allowing shoe companies to sell products simply by slapping Jordan's name on them.

3. Wayne Gretzky, hockey
The Great One won nine NHL most valuable player awards and led the Edmonton Oilers to four Stanley Cup championships. He is the only person to have exceeded 200 points in a single season -- a feat he accomplished four separate times. Over his career, he averaged 1.3 assists per game. Gretzky's trade to the Los Angeles Kings in 1988 revolutionized pro hockey to the United States, opening the door to the expansion of the 1990's which saw hockey teams being placed all across the southern and western U.S.

4. Tiger Woods, golf
In today's PGA, there's Tiger Woods and then there's everything else. The man is 31 years old and has won thirteen major championships, well ahead of pace to smash Jack Nicklaus' record of eighteen. Woods has demolished course records at places like Pebble Beach and Augusta, forcing club members to add yardage to their courses in an attempt to "Tiger-proof" them. Woods won the inaugural FedExCup despite skipping one of the four playoff events. Woods is also responsible for a recent surge in the number of people watching and playing golf.

5. Pelé, soccer
Pelé burst onto the international scene at the age of seventeen, scoring six goals as Brazil won the 1958 World Cup. Pelé also led Brazil to championships at the 1962 and 1970 World Cups. He also notched an absurd 507 goals in club play, averaging more than one goal per game. But Pelé's most important contributions to the beautiful game were his incredible ball control and lightning-quick reflexes, the likes of which had never before been seen from a footballer.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 3

When writing Playing The Spread, I generally dislike using the commentary section for the same issue two weeks in a row. However, given the latest round of columns and opinion segments by members of the sports media, I feel the need to comment further about the Bill Belichick signal-stealing allegations.

The talking heads of the sports world are up in arms about what Belichick allegedly did. There is no shortage of newspaper writers rushing out from the woodwork to decry this signal-stealing. Some have compared it with the 1919 Black Sox scandal, others have predicted that it will bring the NFL to its knees in the collective public consciousness.

Let's get one thing straight here: what Belichick did was against the rules. He deserves to be punished. But Belichick's transgression was not the stealing of signals itself but merely the use of video to steal the signals, especially in the immediate aftermath of a missive by the commissioner forbidding such a practice. Had Belichick posted an employee in the stands with binoculars and a notepad, it would be no problem. If you believe that Belichick is the first coach in NFL history to have attempted to steal signals, you are naive.

What bothered me most was Wednesday's SI.com column by Frank Deford, who I usually respect. He suggested that if Roger Goodell were to declare the game a forfeit, it would be justified. Deford is off his rocker. The alleged videotape was confiscated in the first half, well before any member of the coaching staff could have reviewed it. The Patriots derived no competitive advantage whatsoever from that tape. Had it never existed, they would have beaten the Jets by the same 38-14 score. If the commissioner were to start reversing results as a discretionary sanction for offenses that don't affect the outcome of that specific game, it would set a dangerous and irreversible precedent. Besides, the Jets did absolutely nothing to deserve a win in that game.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 8-7-1
Season to date: 16-13-3
Best Bets: 0-2
Eliminator: 2-0
The Monkey: 2-0

Bills (+16.5) over Patriots
The Pats are on a tear and every other team in the AFC East is downright pathetic, but one only need to look at last Sunday's slate of late games to realize that huge spreads are dangerous. LOSS

Colts (-6) over Texans
Bold prediction of the year: this is the season that the Houston Texans will make the playoffs. But it will be as a wild card, not the division champ. They're not in the same league as the Colts, especially not without Andre Johnson. TIE

Jets (-3) over Dolphins
Just want to make sure I have it clear: using a video camera to record the other team's defensive signals is verboten but shouting at the line of scrimmage to induce a false start is perfectly fine, right? Thought so. TIE

Lions (+6) over Eagles
Donovan McNabb claimed that black quarterbacks get a disproportionate amount of criticism because of their race. In McNabb's case however, he receives a ton of criticism not because he's black but because he sucks. LOSS

Steelers (-9) over 49ers
Big Ben and the rest of the Steelers look like they're back in 2005 form. Neither the Ravens nor the Bengals look like they're all that interested in winning the division so the Steelers will claim it by default. WIN

Bucs (-3.5) over Rams
I'll admit that I haven't given the Bucs much credit this year. But with Jeff Garcia doing his best to erase all memories of Chris Simms, it looks like Tampa Bay might be able to hold its own. WIN

Packers (+5) over Chargers
Was it really worth firing Marty Schottenheimer considering that Norv Turner took his place? WIN

Ravens (-8) over Cardinals
It seems like Kyle Boller is doing a great job filling while Steve McNair recovers from his annual injury (it came early this year). Now, all the Ravens need to do is figure out how to finish a game and everything will be fine for them. LOSS

Vikings (+3) over Chiefs
Watching last Sunday's Chiefs game caused me to give thanks that Tom Brady never missed a game between 2002 and 2004. The words "starting at quarterback, Damon Huard" cause any fan to tremble in fear. I'm not sure I'd feel any better upon hearing "starting at quarterback, Brodie Croyle" either. TIE

Browns (+3) over Raiders
Hopefully, Derek Anderson's performance last week will quiet the Browns fans who are clamoring for the Browns to sever Brady Quinn's development by rushing him into the starting role despite his lack of development at the professional level. WIN

Seahawks (-3.5) over Bengals
After Matt Ryan put forth such an impressive performance last Saturday, the onus is now on Matt Hasselbeck to preserve his place as the second-most famous quarterback to ever graduate from Boston College. A game against the Bengals' defense should help. LOSS

Broncos (-3) over Jaguars
The Broncos are favored by three, which is the exact number of points that Jason Elam will score when he hits his third straight game-ending field goal. LOSS

Panthers (-3.5) over Falcons
Just as I predicted in this space last week, the Falcons picked up Byron Leftwich to fill the void at quarterback left by Michael Vick. Playing The Spread -- bringing you cutting edge NFL news since 1998! WIN

Redskins (-3.5) over Giants
I'm thinking two, maybe three more losses until Tom Coughlin loses his job. The death watch by the New York media makes me giddy. LOSS

Cowboys (+3) over Bears
Dallas should be the perfect fit for Tank Johnson. After all, Texas has some of the loosest gun laws in the country. WIN

Titans (+4.5) over Saints
I hope saying this doesn't make me an evil person, but it seems pretty clear that the Saints feel-good 2006 season was a fluke. After making the NFC Championship last year, I can't see them getting a whiff of the the playoffs this time around. WIN

BEST BET: Cowboys (+3) over Bears WIN
ELIMINATOR: Pittsburgh Steelers WIN

THE MONKEY: Ravens (-8) over Cardinals LOSS

What A Dick

Earlier tonight, "Evel" Dick Donato was crowned champion of Big Brother 8. While his tactics, which largely consisted of verbally abusing everyone in the house to the point where they were petrified to put him up for nomination, were despicable, they worked. Big Brother is a game where, year after year, the worst slimeballs are the ones who tend to make the final two. The heavily tattooed and pierced celebrity rump swab and rock star wannabe is no exception.

While some of the things that Dick did while inside the house were deplorable, others were downright criminal. In fact, if I were the Los Angeles district attorney, I would have been waiting outside the house tonight with an arrest warrant. Dick made what I believe amount to criminal threats against one of the contestants, telling her that he was going to kill her and rape her corpse. He also committed assault and battery against her by dumping iced tea on her head and burning her with his cigarette. When you consider that a prior contestant was banished by the producers merely for throwing a temper tantrum and kicking furniture, the fact that Dick was allowed to remain in the house (rather than in the big house) is even more egregious.

Plus, Dick cheated. When he became head of household, he received a letter from his son. According to the competition rules, this letter can't talk about what's going on in the game. However, Dick freely admitted at one point that the letter in fact contained a coded message giving him hints about what was going on. Dick was nonetheless allowed to remain in the house, which gives every other contestant still in the game at that point grounds for a lawsuit (and there's precedent for contestants to get the runner-up prize when the producers make an error -- it happened in Survivor: Africa). Oh, and rumor has it that Danielle, his supposedly-estranged daughter who made the final two along with him, wasn't quite as estranged as we were led to believe and was well aware that her father would be in the house along with her, to the point where they strategized together before the game began.

Well, I wasted my summer watching that crap, though I'm sure that next year, I'll be just as hooked by it. Now onto more wholesome fare. Thank goodness Heroes starts up again next week.

Anthropomorphic Stock Market

Here's another entry on the list of things that drive me nuts: I hate when to local news cuts away some mercenary reporter standing on a balcony overlooking the New York Stock Exchange. Inevitably, she says something like, "The market was tentative today, closing down nearly 40 points on fears that tomorrow's consumer price index report will be below forecasts."

First of all, the market is inanimate. It cannot be tentative or skittish or aggressive. Sure, you can use those words as adjectives to describe the market's movement, but it doesn't make them into emotions that the stock market actually experiences. Personification is fine for poetry and novellas but it has no place in the daily news.

Second, nobody can really know for sure why the market rises or falls. The market is the net result of thousands of traders doing their own thing. Sure, analysts can speculate on the cause for a rise or fall, and most of the time, they're probably correct. But unless you ask everyone trading on the market about what they did that day and why, an assertion about the cause for market activity is merely an unsubstantiated hypothesis. For accuracy, these reporters should preface their statements by saying "analysts believe..." or "several traders concur...."

Then again, when was the last time we expected accurate reporting or proper source crediting from the local news?

Top Five It's A Magical World! Series

Today, in honor of our 300th post, we recognize the top five series of thematically-related posts here on the blog.

1. Westward Ho! (August 2006)
Normally, my idea of a trip to find some foreign city or three, spend about six days there, and run around trying to see as much as possible. Well, back in August 2006, I broke all those rules. Instead of a foreign country, I stayed in the USA. Instead of a city, I focused on national parks. Instead of six days, I spent thirteen. And instead of running around trying to see as much as possible, my best buddy and I went driving around trying to see (and hike) as much as possible. Needing some outlet to share the glory that is the Western United States, I made a series of posts describing the trip. Sadly, successive incarnations of Yahoo! Photos destroyed the hyperlinks I had set up between my narrative and the pictures I took, but hopefully, my words can still do at least some justice to the wonders of nature in the Mountain Time Zone.

2. New 7 Wonders (May-July 2007)
When I heard that Swiss adventurer Bernhard Weber had the ambitious goal of naming a new list of seven wonders for the third millennium, I couldn't let him just go ahead without sharing my opinion. Of course, instead of just naming my choices from his pre-prepared list, I launched a full-on assault on his list, critiquing his choices and then projecting what should be included had the criteria changed. It ended up being a rather involved survey of global engineering projects.

3. Playing The Spread (Sep 2006-Feb 2007 and Sep 2007-present)
Playing The Spread was a column I wrote for the Brown Daily Herald during the four years I was an undergraduate student. It was inspired by a similar syndicated column written by Norman Chad. Instead of focusing solely on humor, my column mixed humor with serious analysis while providing a brief commentary section in addition to the individual game selections. After graduating, Playing The Spread was retired, since I no longer had a print outlet for it, but this blog gave me just the medium I needed to bring it back. I love picking games against the Vegas line (for fun), and in years past, I tracked my picks even though I had no outlet to publish them. However, immortalizing them in print makes me take things just a bit more seriously, even though nothing more than bragging rights are at stake.

4. 50 State Quarters (April and December 2007)
This series has elicited several "what's this stupid quarter thing you're doing?" comment. While I've been informally collecting these quarters since their inception, and while I've given thought to what makes a good design, it never previously occurred to me that I could evaluate the quarter designs in comparison with one another. I also wanted some sort of quantitative rating system, so a scale of zero to 25 cents was a stroke of genius that just occurred to me. The final post in the series will be made by December, once the U.S. Mint releases the designs for the last set of five states. (Possible designs have leaked out, but I am awaiting official confirmation from the Mint before evaluating them.)

5. Trivia (ongoing)
Unlike the other entries on this list, the series of trivia posts lacks any sort of coherent plan. I just throw a trivia question (or a set of them) online when a good one occurs to me. My love of trivia dates back to my high school days when I was a member of the Academic Bowl team. The format of our competitions largely foreclosed my favorite type of question: the multi-part question where you either need to deduce subsequent answers from previous answers or figure out which items from a list will answer the question. Now, I'm able to think up my own brainteasers and try them on people.

Honorable Mention: Retrospective Posts (ongoing)
Whenever It's A Magical World! reaches a certain milestone, be it in years or numbers of posts,
we like to celebrate it and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done. One of the ways in which we do so is through a retrospective post, which is usually a top five list pointing out some of the best work we've created here. These posts tend to include an honorable mention that takes self-referentiality to a whole new level.

Happy New Year, And Happy 300th!

To all you Jews out there, on this holiday of Rosh Hashanah, I wish you a happy, healthy, sweet New Year. To all you non-Jews who have the day off from school or work, enjoy it. You're welcome.

But if you need something else to celebrate, this post marks the 300th entry on It's A Magical World! True, our rate of posting here has slowed since the inception, between school, work, travel, and creative sabbaticals. We're still here though and with football season underway, we'll have lots to talk about. Thanks to all for continuing to read what I care to share. As we go forward, comments and requests are more welcome than ever!

As you've come to expect and love, tomorrow's post will be one of those self-aggrandizing gratuitous retrospectives. Stay tuned!

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 2

The big news around the league this week is that a Patriots' employee was caught allegedly filming defensive signals made by the New York Jets coaches. Of course, Eric Mangini was well aware of the practice, having served as an assistant coach with the Pats for several years, and took pleasure on narcing out his former mentor. I expect better from this team. Tempted as I am to make apologies for it, I can't figure out a single circumstance that would excuse it. "It's a stupid rule" doesn't count. Just ask Ricky Williams.

Roger Goodell has issued his judgment, docking the Pats a first-round draft pick if they make the playoffs (or a second- and third-round pick if they don't, but who are we kidding?) and assessing $750,000 worth of fines split between Bill Belichick and the team. I think the Pats got off easy. While a first-round draft pick may seem like a big deal, the Pats have displayed a consistent ability to find talent deep in the draft. With the highway robbery perpetrated by first-round picks this year, not having such a selection can free up some precious salary cap room. As for the fines, it's only money. Yeah, it's a significant chunk of Belichick's salary, but it won't put the man on the street. Frankly, I was expecting to see The Hooded One suspended for two or three games. If the NFL didn't do it, I wouldn't be surprised for Bob Kraft to impose the suspension itself. (Forfeiture was not a realistic option, since the tape was confiscated before halftime, meaning that Ellis Hobbs and Randy Moss did their thing without video assistance.)

The irony is that the Pats didn't even need to do what they did. The team was and is absolutely stacked and perfectly capable of winning the Super Bowl without resorting to dubious means in order to do it. Now, fairly or unfairly, the three championships that the Pats won have been cast into doubt.

As always, the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 8-6-2
Best Bets: 0-1
Eliminator: 1-0
The Monkey: 1-0

Patriots (-3.5) over Chargers
If you're going to steal defensive signs, you should at least find a team with defensive signals worth stealing. I assume the Pats won't steal the Chargers' signal telling Shawne Merriman to come to the sideline for another anabolic steroid shot. WIN

Texans (+6.5) over Panthers
Houston fans, thy savior is Matt Schaub. After being driven out of town, David Carr faces his old team and will be left to wonder what would have happened if he actually had an offensive line to work with. WIN

Jaguars (-10) over Falcons
Note to Falcons management: As soon as you get fed up with Joey Harrington's incompetence (probably by next week), I hear there's another quarterback who used to play for the Jaguars you might be interested in picking up. He couldn't be any worse than what you have right now. LOSS

Titans (+7) over Colts
You can usually count on this divisional rivalry being a tough game. One can only pray that the Colts lose a game well before people once again start talking about "Can Peyton Manning go 16-0?" nonsense. (As for "Can Tom Brady go 16-0?" bring it on.) WIN

49ers (+3) over Rams
I have no factual basis for saying this, but I'll say so anyway: Frank Gore is one of the most underrated players in the league. I actually think the Niners have an outside shot at a weak NFC West. WIN

Packers (E) over Giants
Memo to Eli Manning: if you ever want to hold a candle to older brother Peyton, you're not going to do it by sitting on the bench with an injury. WIN

Steelers (-9.5) over Bills
One NFL commentator called the Bills second-best team in the AFC East. If they're second-best, I'd hate to see third and fourth. WIN

Bengals (-6.5) over Browns
With Charlie Frye becoming persona non grata after two quarters, Browns fans are clamoring for Brady Quinn to get the start in the second game of his NFL career. Why don't we just ask Tim Couch how well that worked out for him? LOSS

Saints (-3.5) over Bucs
Thoroughly overmatched by the Colts last week, I think the Saints will do just fine against a team that doesn't play in the AFC. LOSS

Vikings (+3) over Lions
Just because Detroit managed some late-game heroics against the putrid Oakland Raiders doesn't mean the Lions have escaped the NFL cesspool where they've spent, oh, the last forty years. TIE

Cowboys (-3.5) over Dolphins
Now that Tony Romo has been liberated from the brooding presence of Drew Bledsoe looming over his shoulder, he can finally treat the Cowboys like they're his own team. It really showed last week. WIN

Seahawks (-3) over Cardinals
Contractual obligations require me to say something about what in all likelihood will be a Seahawks blowout in a game they shouldn't even really bother playing. Now that such a prognostication is in print, watch me be completely wrong. LOSS

Ravens (-10) over Jets
I heard the Jets fans cheer last week when Chad Pennington was injured and his backup came into the game. Just want to make sure you guys realize it's Kellen Clemens, not Roger Clemens, right? LOSS

Bears (-12) over Chiefs
Kansas City looked absolutely pathetic in managing a mere field goal against the Texans. At least they'll have Rex Grossman throwing passes to them this week. LOSS

Broncos (-10) over Raiders
Desperation set in for the Raiders this past week as they caved into Jamarcus Russell's exorbitant contract demands. Now, they're paying him the highest rookie salary in history for the privilege of spending the next six weeks trying to learn the system he should have mastered during training camp, by which time the Raiders' season will be beyond hope. (Actually, I imagine it was probably beyond hope about sixteen seconds into their first game.) LOSS

Redskins (+6.5) over Eagles
In light of the Patriots' sign-stealing controversy, several Eagles players claim that the stolen signals were the reason they lost Super Bowl XXXIX. Hmm, I'm going to have to stick with Donovan McNabb blowing chunks on the field and the world's slowest no-huddle offense.

BEST BET: Seahawks (-3) over Cardinals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Jacksonville Jaguars WIN

THE MONKEY: Bucs (+3.5) over Saints WIN

National Park Trivia

The following set of trivia questions concerns national parks in the United States. It is limited to national parks themselves and excludes other area managed by the National Park Service, such as national monuments, national memorials, national historic sites, and wild and scenic rivers.

1. How many national parks are there?
2. Which was the first national park?
3. Which is the newest national park?
4. Which national park receives the most recreational visitors annually?
5. Which national park receives the fewest recreational visitors annually?
6. Which two national parks are closest to each other geographically?
7. Which national park is 99 percent underwater?
8. Which national park is the largest by area?
9. Which national park is the smallest by area?
10. Which national parks straddle the boundary between multiple states?
11. Which national park is the closest one to a city of 250,000 or more?
12. Which state has the most national parks?
13. Which national park is the only one named after a president?
14. Which national park boasts the nation's highest continuous paved road?
15. Which national park is the most geographically isolated (i.e. farthest from any other national park)?

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Calling London

We take requests here at It's A Magical World and today's entry comes from a faithful reader about to embark on a business trip to London. He's written and asked for my thoughts on the former capital of the British Empire. As always, I'm far too happy to tell people what I think.

In general: I believe that London, not New York, is the crossroads of the world. Yes, it used to be the capital of the world's most powerful and geographically far-flung empire. You can still see London's colonial buildings and upper crust neighborhoods. London is home of the bluest bloods -- the most prim and proper of high society. Yet, at the same time, London is incredibly egalitarian. Just walk down pretty much any city street and you will see people of all ages, income levels, and nationalities. The ethnic diversity of London and the way in which people of all different creeds coexist is something we should strive for in this country.

What to see: London has a long list of can't-miss tourist attractions. If I had to narrow it down to five, I'd say Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, the Tower of London, the National Gallery, and the British Museum. Westminster is the site of royal coronations, weddings, and funerals, as well as the resting place of many British monarchs and other famous Brits. The British crown jewels (and other exhibits about British royal history) are on display at the Tower of London. Buckingham Palace is only open to the public one month a year, but the rest of the year, it's the sight of the Changing of the Guard. The ceremony starts at 11:30 a.m. and takes place daily during the summer and every other day the rest of the year, weather-permitting. Get there by 10:30 or so. You might be tempted to stand just outside the gates to be close to the action, but the best views are from the center of the traffic circle facing the gates. The National Gallery is probably one of the world's best seven or eight art museums while the British Museum is the world's best pan-civilization archeological museum. Entry fees to Westminster and the Tower can get expensive but the museums are free.

Runners-up for sights to visit are St. Paul's Cathedral (a beautiful building with magnificent views of the city if you climb to the top) and the Royal Observatory at Greenwich, where you can take the obligatory picture straddling the prime meridian.

What to do: Ordinarily I wouldn't recommend such an activity, but the sightseeing tours on the open-air double-decker busses are actually a very good way to get oriented in the city and learn a little bit about its history. You should also take a stroll up and down the Thames River and across some of its bridges for a lovely perspective on the city. The London Eye ferris wheel is tempting, but if you're climbing up St. Paul's anyway, you aren't missing much.

By far, my favorite activity in London is attending the theater. I saw Titus Andronicus at the re-creation of Shakespeare's Globe and it was incredible. The West End also has a good collection of musicals. There is a half-price same-day ticket booth in Leicester Square, but they only sell the most expensive seats and tack on a service fee. Instead, you are best off going to the theater box office itself and asking what they have available. Rarely do shows sell out on weekdays, though you can probably find tickets for weekends as well. If you go to the Globe, you can stand literally right next to the stage for ten bucks.

What to eat: Yeah, British food is as bad as its reputation suggests. Aside from an obligatory order of fish and chips (which the Brits do really well), there really isn't much in the way of native cuisine that I can recommend (celebrity chefs are trying to change the British food scene, however). But what London does offer is the best ethnic food anywhere in the world. I tried Chinese and Indian food while I was there and both were better than anything I've ever had in the States.

Getting around: As long as it isn't on strike or shut down after some accident, the London Underground (a/k/a The Tube) is the best way to get around the city. If you'll be staying for a while, get your hands on a rechargable RFID declining balance card called the Oyster Card. With it, you'll get much cheaper fares than if you pay for tickets a la carte and the amount you pay each day will be capped at the cost of a daily travelcard. Speaking of which, if you don't get an Oyster Card, daily passes are available for the price of only two or three trips and are even cheaper if purchased after 9:30 a.m. Fares are zone based -- be sure to save your ticket, which you need to exit the system. Driving is not for the faint of heart (assuming you even get used to driving on the left) and taxi cabs are very expensive. Keep in mind that if you're driving in central London, you need to pay an eight pound daily congestion charge.

The airport: Heathrow is an overcrowded, poorly-managed zoo. Get there early, learn to love standing in line, pray that you're not claustrophic. Baggage handling at Heathrow is notably poor, but because of Britain's ill-advised single carry-on limit, it's hard to get around checking bags altogether. If you can get a flight to London City Airport, do so. It's much easier to deal with and the location is much more convenient, especially if you are heading to the business district.

A word of caution: Look both ways before crossing the street! British traffic drives on the left, which means that Americans and continental Europeans will get run over if they follow their instincts. But doing the opposite isn't the best plan either, seeing as how many streets in London are one-way. Writing on the pavement will tell you which direction to look, but you are probably best served either giving both directions a nice long stare or waiting until the light turns red and pedestrians get the signal to cross.

Randy Moss Is SICK!

The other 31 NFL teams might as well just concede the season right now, because if the Patriots play the rest of the year anywhere close to how they did on Sunday, it's all over. Keep in mind that the Pats made it to the AFC Championship and led for 58 minutes with a crop of no-name receivers like Jabar Gaffney and Reche Caldwell. Now, the Pats have bolstered their receiving corps with the likes of Wes Welker (who seems to be open in the flat on every single play), Donte Stallworth (an afterthought), and some guy named Randy.

Yeah, it's amazing what Randy Moss can do when he's actually motivated. Nine catches for 183 yards and a touchdown on his first game out after being injured all preseason is pretty good. (And if you actually believe that Moss was injured all preseason, then you haven't been following the NFL long enough to know that his absence was yet another calculated tactic of deception by Master of Trickery Bill Belichick.) Tom Brady has a new toy, capable of catching a 60-yard pass thrown into triple coverage. This season is going to be fun!

And to be fair, credit for the win must also be shared with record-setting kick returner Ellis Hobbs, an offensive line that allowed Brady to take more time making a decision than Fred Thompson, and some guy on the Patriots' sideline with a video camera.

Top Five Asinine Aviation Security Rules

Of the voluminous and every-growing corpus of aviation security rules, there are many, such as the shoe rule and the liquid rule, that have arguable effectiveness. I don't know enough from a scientific and behavioral perspective to say whether or not these procedures are worthwhile. Instead, this list is dedicated to the truly asinine rules -- ones which either defeat their own purpose altogether or are completely devoid of common sense.

1. Secondary Security Screening Selection
Certain passengers are selected by their airline for additional security screening, which includes a full-body wanding, a patdown, and a manual search of their carry-on. Passengers are selected either because of some risk factor (cash payment, last-minute booking) or at random. The problem is that selectees find the notation "SSSS" on their boarding pass and hence know that they'll be getting the treatment long before they approach the checkpoint. If you were a terrorist seeking to sneak some contraband liquid onto the plane, you'd take one look at your boarding pass and leave the airport in order to try your jihad another day.

2. The No-Fly List
According to documents obtained by CBS' 60 Minutes, there are some 44,000 names on the no-fly list. Passengers with a name match cannot check in online or via a self-service kiosk. Instead, they must approach the counter and wait for the airline rep to call a law enforcement officer who will determine whether the passenger is indeed a security threat. Many men named Robert Johnson are on the list, since Robert Johnson is the alias of a Trinidadian citizen convicted of a terrorist plot in Canada. It is no huge leap of faith for an airline agent to decide that the 25-year-old white man in front of them is not the 62-year-old black terrorist named Robert Johnson, who the United States would never let into this country anyway. Of course, the no-fly list assumes that terrorists will fly under their own name or a known alias.

3. Trusted Traveler
The original idea of this program was that frequent fliers could submit to a background check and become a trusted traveler in exchange for an abbreviated security procedure and a guarantee of avoiding random secondary checks. But the alarmists cried out that someone could turn terrorist after the background check and circumvent the screening because the government trusted them. So, under the current procedure, you pay $99.95 per year and undergo an iris scan for the privilege of going to the front of the line and undergoing the same exact security check to which everyone else must submit. So, your trusted traveler card is nothing more than a line pass. I assume most of these frequent fliers have status on their airline of choice, which would allow them to cut into the front of the line at many airports anyway. So, if the TSA's contractor is selling line passes, what's the point of the background check and iris scan?

4. One Bag Rule
In the wake of the liquids scare, the British Airports Authority instituted a rule limiting passengers to one bag, personal items (i.e. briefcases and purses) included. The number of bags a passenger has is irrelevant for security purposes, since they'd all need to be screened, whether checked or carried onboard. Therefore, this "security" rule is merely a crowd-control measure that enables the infamously stingy BAA to avoid hiring more screeners. But, if passengers are limited to one bag, they are more likely to shove as much stuff as possible in that bag. The more stuff is in a bag, the harder it is for screeners to detect any contraband with the x-ray (which is why laptops, with their dense circuitry, must be screened separately). By limiting their passengers to a single bag, the BAA is actually making it harder for their screeners to do their job.

5. Shoe Screening at Heathrow
On a recent trip, I witnessed the following bit of inanity: After clearing the notorious security lines at Heathrow, passengers pass by one of two passport control desks manned by immigration officers. Then, passengers from one of those desks go through an additional security checkpoint where their shoes and liquid baggies are x-rays. The passengers from the other desk bypass that checkpoint entirely and can proceed into the waiting area. There are two major problems with this setup. First off, passengers can stash some C-4 explosive in their shoe while going through the first checkpoint, then deftly transfer it to their carry-on luggage before going through the second checkpoint. But more importantly, if you have something to hide in your shoe, you will look past the passport control desks and figure out which one will let you avoid the subsequent check.

This Flight Has Been Delayed

In an ideal world, every airline would run its flights exactly according to the schedule it has published. We all though that such a world is merely ideal thinking, as any number of things, both within and outside the airline's control, can screw up such a schedule. In fact, when you think about the number of things that can ground a flight -- weather, air traffic congestion, mechanical issues, crew staffing, security issues -- it's a small wonder that flights ever operate on time.

In my humble opinion, based solely on anecdotal evidence, passengers (at least those who fly semi-regularly) understand the cause of delays and are willing to tolerate them. Delays generally don't drive passengers nuts; lack of communication by the airlines and a perceived unwillingness to do something about them does.

It's not rocket science, people. Any airline that wants to maintain good customer relations needs to do the following when a delay occurs (be it before or after boarding): promptly, and the key is promptly, announce the delay, announce the reason for it, announce how long the delay will last (or, if indefinite, announce when the next update will occur), and explain the measures the airline is taking to minimize the delay.

We're a forgiving bunch of travelers. Even if a flight is two hours late, passengers will harbor no hard feelings as long as they genuinely believe that the airline is doing everything within its power to get things moving as fast as they can. It can be as simple as the captain announcing that he has requested a more direct routing from air traffic control in order to make up some of the lost time, even if there's no guarantee that ATC will be able to fulfill the request. Of course, measures to increase passenger comfort (e.g. starting the movie while still on the ground, performing an early drink run, allowing people to use their cell phones, deboarding the aircraft) go a long way to maintaining this customer goodwill as well. Aloofness by the airline, such as a refusal to change the departure time on the gate display when there is still no aircraft in sight 15 minutes after the flight was supposed to leave, is what gets to people.

The bottom line is that delays are fact of life when it comes to air travel. When people bitch and moan about delays, they're really complaining about a lack of communication on the airline's part. Any rational person would understand that a plane shouldn't take off in the middle of the raging thunderstorm. Better to wait it out 90 minutes than to risk life and limb on the chance you might still get there on time. But when a plane sits on the tarmac for those 90 minutes with no word from the cockpit regarding the reason and the estimated time that the plane can proceed, people get pissed off. Again, it's not rocket science. Frankly, I can't imagine why the folks running certain airlines (US Airways, I'm talking to you!) aren't able to get a handle on what seem to be simple customer service measures.

Oh, and if you book a late afternoon flight from LaGuardia to O'Hare and happen to miss your 40 minute connection to the ongoing flight, that's your fault, not the airlines. Anyone who flies regularly to one of those two airports will tell you so as well.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 1

It's after Labor Day and the bore that is the preseason has concluded. Starting tonight, the games count. We'll kick off the action with a ceremony commemorating something that I'm still in denial actually occurred. Then, the Colts will play the Saints. We'll have games in three time slots on Sunday and on Monday, we'll have a doubleheader. Indeed, kickoff weekend is a veritable orgy of football.

Because I feel the need to memorialize them in print, I now present my predictions for the 2007 NFL division winners and Super Bowl champion.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
East: New England Patriots
North: Pittsburgh Steelers
South: Indianapolis Colts
West: San Diego Chargers
Wild Cards: Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati Bengals

NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
East: New York Giants
North: Chicago Bears
South: New Orleans Saints
West: Seattle Seahawks
Wild Cards: Carolina Panthers, Philadelphia Eagles

SUPERBOWL XLII: New England Patriots beat Chicago Bears (but does it really matter who the NFC puts up?)

We'll check back in January to see how well those predictions hold up. In the meanwhile, here come my Week One picks. For those of you not familiar with what we do here, I will briefly explain. Each Thursday, I pick a winner against the point spread (the final spread posted on Yahoo! Sports) for all of that weekend's NFL games and offer an insightful or humorous explanation of my pick. We keep track of my wins and losses and pray that I finish above .500 for the season. I also select my best bet each week (i.e. the game for which I am most confident about my selection) and name a team that I expect to win straight up for the Eliminator. (Once I pick a team for the Eliminator, I cannot choose them again the rest of the season.)

Since I did so pitifully last year on my best bets, I'm introducing a new feature called "The Monkey," which is basically a randomized selection of who will win one game (against the spread). If I had a household pet, I'd let the animal do the picking, but since I don't I will leave it to a virtual monkey in the form of an Excel spreadsheet with a random number generator. We'll see if my insights can outdo a computer with no mind of its own.

Keep in mind that the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last year: 133-127-6
Last year best bets: 9-10
Last year eliminator: 14-3

Colts (-6) over Saints
The worst part about Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl is that it eliminates half of my repertoire. WIN

Patriots (-6.5) over Jets
The Patriots are coming off the greatest offseason in recorded history. All we have to now sit back and watch the 16-week coronation. (Then again, that's what people say about the Yankees just about every year and we all know how well they've done this decade.) WIN

Broncos (-3) over Bills
Two years later, I just still can't get excited about J.P. Losman. Then again, I couldn't get excited about Drew Bledsoe and I certainly couldn't get excited about Rob Johnson. Looks like another year, another 7-9 record. LOSS

Redskins (-3) over Dolphins
After weeks of insisting he wasn't interested in taking the job at Alabama, Nick Saban took the job at Alabama, hanging the Dolphins out to dry. While the Crimson Tide faithful were celebrating his arrival, fans of the Dolphins' AFC East rivals were mourning his departure. TIE

Steelers (-4.5) over Browns
Pittsburgh has assured itself of a 2-14 season, at minimum, simply by virtue of playing in the same division as the Browns. WIN

Titans (+6.5) over Jaguars
Vince Young has been mentioned as the heir apparent to Michael Vick's scrambling quarterback legacy, but I believe there are two main differences: (1) Young has the size and pocket presence to avoid being put at risk of career-ending injury every time he decides to run; and (2) Young's idea of misconduct is sneaking out of the hotel to sleep in his own bed, which pales in comparison with electrocuting dogs. WIN

Chiefs (+3) over Texans
Analogy time! Houston Texans:NFL::______
(a) Tampa Bay Devils Rays:MLB
(b) Sam Brownback:Republican presidential primaries
(c) Jones Soda:Cola Wars
(d) CBS Evening News with Katie Couric:Nielsen ratings
(e) All of the above LOSS

Packers (+3) over Eagles
Brett Favre is about to begin his third final season. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but something tells me the old man will surprise people this year. WIN

Rams (-1) over Panthers
The Rams lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXVI. The Panthers lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Both teams have a decent shot at being the NFC's sacrifical lamb that the Patriots will destroy in Super Bowl XLII. LOSS

Vikings (-1) over Falcons
With the Michael Vick dogfighting scandal looming large, the Minnesota Vikings can breathe a collective sigh of relief now that they're no longer the butt of any joke involving the NFL. (Then again, so can the Bengals.) WIN

Seahawks (-6) over Bucs
Memo to Seahawks fans: While it may have been a questionable call, you had several other chances to win that game. It was two years ago. Get over it. WIN

Raiders (-1.5) over Lions
The annual NFL Toilet Bowl takes place early this year. I don't what dirt that Matt Millen has on William Clay Ford that has enabled him to keep his job yet another year, but I'm sure it would make Tony Soprano jealous. LOSS

Chargers (-6) over Bears
Two things that San Diegans won't miss this season are the midnight blue helmets and Mart Schottenheimer's questionable play-calling. Come on, the helmets weren't that bad. WIN

Giants (+5.5) over Cowboys
Peyton might have won a Super Bowl but thank goodness there's still one Manning left that we can rag on. LOSS

Ravens (+2.5) over Bengals
Last year, Cinci had more players arrested than it had victories. Can they keep the streak alive? Chris Henry is on ice for the first half of the season, which means that he won't be able to help the Bungles' win total. but he'll have a ton of free time to get himself into trouble. Odds look good. LOSS

49ers (-3) over Cardinals
The second-half of Monday Night Football's opening doubleheader features these two perennial cellar-dwellers. The game starts after 10PM, which is just fine for the two-thirds of America in the Central and Eastern time zones who would have no interest in this game anyway. TIE

BEST BET: Broncos (-3) over Bills LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Seattle Seahawks WIN

THE MONKEY: Seahawks (-6) over Bucs WIN

And We're Back!

Faithful readers, I have returned! A hiatus of a few days in early August ended up being extended to a week, and then two weeks, and then a full month. My unplanned summer vacation has been a great opportunity to recharge my creative juices and continue to bring you the It's A Magical World you have gotten to know and love. We'll start later today with the first installment o of Playing The Spread.

Thanks to all for your patience during my absence. It's great to be back with you!