Jerry vs. Maury

My rather unusual class schedule for this past semester left me without a class before 1:15 p.m. on any day of the week. Consequently, I spent many mornings at home, and without cable television, my viewing options at that time of day were limited. Fortunately, 9 a.m. brought us new episodes of The Jerry Springer Show, followed immediately by new episodes of Maury. Let us take a few minutes now to analyze each show and decide which one is better. And by better, I mean less bad.

Here's your typical Jerry Springer episode. First they introduce some redneck guy who usually works as a busboy at Waffle House or something similarly menial. Then, on comes his wife or girlfriend. Jerry announces that the man has something to share. Because the wife obviously thought she was the first person in history to appear on Jerry Springer so that her husband could tell her that their relationship was perfect, she is utterly shocked to find out that her husband has been fooling around with her sister. On comes the sister and an all-out catfight ensues. Once the guests are in various stages of undress and have been separated by Steve and the other security people, some stagehand rings a bell and the fight starts back up again. Meanwhile, Jerry walks around the studio with his head in his hands, incredulous that the show has disintegrated into such chaos for the 3,005th straight time. Then, in the final ten minutes, Jerry goes into the audience where various spectators hurl insults at the guests and challenge them to fight while women flash the camera in exchange for "Jerry Beads."

Now, your typical Maury Povich episode. First they introduce some woman, usually black (I'm not racist -- it's just a fact), who has her child sequestered backstage. Then they show a man who she believes is the baby's daddy, while the man vehemently denies fathering the child, oftentimes referring to side-by-side photos of himself and the baby while pointing out how they don't even look like one another. Maury is handed an envelope with paternity test results, rips it open, and then makes an announcement. If the test is positive, Maury says "In the case of two-year old LaKeisha, DaJuan, you ARE the father." The man remains seated, disconsolate, while the woman gets in his face, tells him that she told him so, and demands child support. But if the test is negative, Maury announces, "you are NOT the father." The man gets up and prances around as if just won the heavyweight title, while woman sits and sobs, knowing that she must now find out which of the other thirteen guys she slept with that month is her baby's daddy. Repeat five more times.

Well, it looks like we have two losers here. But I'm actually going to have to give the nod to Maury. I love the camp value of the scantily-clad toothless women on Jerry Springer going at it, but it gets old. The guests on Jerry Springer are people playing the same characters, day after day. At least with the paternity tests on Maury, you feel like you are seeing people's natural reaction, rather than what the producers told them to say backstage. It has yet to cease to entertain me how people can be so irresponsible with their sexual relations that they do not actually know who their children's father is. Go Maury!

Till next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.