Steal A Base, Steal A Taco, Abandon Your Dignity

If you were watching the World Series last night, you know that Jacoby Ellsbury's stolen base in the 4th inning earned everyone in America a free taco from Taco Bell as part of the "Steal A Base, Steal A Taco" promotion.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Well, terms and conditions apply. The free tacos are only available at participating Taco Bells (whatever that means) on October 30th from 2-5 p.m. So, in order to claim your prize, you must first find a Taco Bell that's participating in the promotion, then go in during a three-hour period far removed from traditional meal times, when most people are working anyway. It costs far more in wages and/or lost productivity than the 79 cents you save by getting your taco for free.

I know that marketing is the lifeblood of sports telecasts, but naturally, since Fox knows no bounds when it comes to cross-promotion, this particular campaign was beyond shameless. There was the obligatory cut-away to the Taco Bell CEO sitting in the stands (taking up a seat that could hold a real Red Sox fan) to allow him to plug his fast food (excuse me, quick service) restaurant for the camera.

Then there was the dugout conversation between Ellsbury and Royce Clayton, recorded the day before, in which Clayton informed Ellsbury that if he stole a base, everyone in America would get a free taco. Come on, Fox. Do you really expect us to believe that you fortuitously chose to mike up a random inactive infielder who just happened to have a conversation about a certain promotion with the very player who ended up triggering that promotion? Give me a break. I'd bet a small fortune that you have recordings of Clayton engaging in similar "spontaneous" conversations with Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia and any other Sox player who poses a legitimate threat to steal a base. I'm also curious to know how much you paid Clayton to engage in that little publicity stunt.

I'll begrudgingly accept the in-your-face marketing as a necessary cost of paying my team's salaries, but please Fox, don't treat your viewers like idiots in doing so.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 8

Ordinarily, I'm a huge fan of anything involving a foreign country. However, when it comes to the NFL's first regular season foray outside of North America, I have my reservations.

The concept -- take two teams and have them play a game or two in some foreign venue in order to market your league to a global audience -- has been employed in the past with great success by the MLB and NHL. The NFL has also hosted preseason American Bowls in foreign venues with large crowds attending those games.

When baseball or hockey games move overseas, teams lose one or two of their forty to eighty home games. When regular season football games move overseas, one team loses one of their precious few eight home games (12.5 percent of their home schedule). The league might compensate the team for the lost gate receipts, but still, nothing can replace the intangible benefits of playing in your home stadium.

The disruption factor also merits consideration. This time around, it's not a huge deal for two East Coast teams to travel to London, since the flight only takes marginally longer than a jaunt to California and the trip is short enough that the players need not bother adjusting to the time difference. If you start to involve a destination in Central Europe, or teams from the Midwest, you're adding another hour or two to the flight. Once you look at the Far East, it's difficult to pull off such a trip while maintaining the pace of the regular season.

If a team wants to move a home game to a foreign venue on its own volition (see Buffalo Bills), then the league should do what they can to facilitate the game. After all, there is precedent for such a move, since the Green Bay Packers used to play two games a year in Milwaukee. However, when league comes to a team and demands they give up one eighth of their home schedule for broader marketing purposes, it's a tall order. Only if the season expands to 17 games, with one game for each team being played in a neutral venue, can I justify the imposition of football games abroad.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 8-6
Season To Date: 48-47-8
Best Bets: 3-4
Eliminator: 6-1 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 3-3-1

Giants (-9.5) over Dolphins
Different continent, same result for the hapless Dolphins, who will be turned into fish and chips by the time the Giants are done with them on Sunday. LOSS

Lions (+5) over Bears
If I had told you in August that the Lions would complete the season sweep of the Bears, you would have laughed in my face. WIN

Steelers (-3.5) over Bengals
Meaningless statistic of the week: Pittsburgh is 0-2 when playing in the Mountain Time Zone and 4-0 when playing anywhere else in the country. WIN

Colts (-6.5) over Panthers
VINNY TESTAVERDE IS IN JERRY'S BOX AND VINNY TESTAVERDE IS COMING BACK! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN, VINNY TESTAVERDE STANDING RIGHT IN JERRY RICHARDSON'S BOX ANNOUNCING HE IS BACK! VINNY TESTAVERDE IS A CAROLINA PANTHER! WIN

Titans (-7.5) over Raiders
Looks like Vince Young managed to sidestep the Madden Curse this year, missing only one game. What's that you say? The season's only half over? LOSS

Browns (-3) over Rams
If the Browns pull off the victory this weekend, they will have won four out of seven games. The Indians might want to pay attention and see how that's done. WIN

Eagles (-1) over Vikings
In this season's Heimlich Bowl, the Eagles and Vikings will do battle to see who can choke up a big lead first. WIN

Bills (+3) over Jets
Despite his troubles, Eric Mangini is obstinately sticking with Chad Pennington as his QB. Hey, Chad has to win again at least sometime this season, right? WIN

Chargers (E) over Texans
Sage Rosenfels almost single-handedly brought the Texans back from a 25-point deficit last week. I hadn't seen a Jew throw rocks like that since the book of Deuteronomy. WIN

Bucs (-4) over Jaguars
If it's any consolation, the guy the Jaguars let go to make room for David Garrard is injured as well. LOSS

Saints (-3) over 49ers
Will it be Trent Dilfer or Alex Smith behind center for the Niners on Sunday? More importantly, will it really matter? WIN

Redskins (+16.5) over Patriots
Not that I think there's any chance the Patriots will lose, but against the Skins' secondary, Tom Brady might only just barely top 300 yards this week. LOSS

Broncos (-3) over Packers
Let's hope that Broncos-Packers will be the only game taking place in Denver on Monday night. LOSS

BEST BET: Steelers (-3.5) over Bengals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Tampa Bay Buccaneers LOSS

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+9.5) over Giants WIN

Transfering Airline Miles

We here at It's A Magical World! like to remain responsive to our readers' concerns. So, as part of an ongoing Q&A series, we'll answer the following question submitted by a loyal reader. (Names and details have been changed to protect the innocent.)

My co-worker basically commutes (two to three times a month?) from JFK to VIE on Austrian Airlines. He has accumulated around a million Austrian frequent flyer miles. I posed the following question to him: How would you like to convert your Austrian Miles to cash? He agreed to consider it. We both have Austrian frequent flyer accounts. My interest remains in optimizing the liquidity of the transaction.

1) What is the best way (least expensive) to book a ticket in my name with his miles? If the best way is to transfer the miles, so be it. If the best way is to somehow log onto his account and book the ticket in my name, that may be feasible.

My frequent-flier experience is based on my long-standing membership with United's Mileage Plus program. While Mileage Plus is representative of most traditional U.S.-based airlines' programs, I don't know for sure whether European programs play by the same rules. I will answer this question assuming that they do. Keep in mind that Lufthansa, Austrian, Swiss, LOT, and their respective subsidiaries are all part of the same frequent-flier program, called Miles & More. All those airlines are members of the Star Alliance, as is United, which I believe means they share a common redemption schedule.

The best way to book a ticket in your name is to have your co-worker book the ticket with his miles, from his account. (Whether he does it himself or you log on using his password is a matter for the two of you to discuss.) Anybody can book a ticket for anybody else without additional fees (beyond the usual taxes), though in some cases, the airline may require additional documentation to verify that the transaction is consensual. (Such measures are increasingly unnecessary, since they were imposed in the era of paper certificates rather than password-protected online accounts.) When you transfer miles between accounts, you are hit with a flat transaction fee (US$35 on United) and a per mile transfer fee (US$0.01 per mile). There might also be a cap on the number of miles that can be transferred.

2) I will obviously pay all fees associated with the transaction. What would you consider to be appropriate compensation in excess of the fees? 1 USD per 1,000 miles? 1 EUR per 1,000 miles? A certain percentage (50%? 75%?) of the current Austrian price for that itinerary? These were the ranges which I was thinking, but let me know if you believe otherwise. In his case, the miles are clearly extraneous, so I can probably get a great deal.

Keep in mind that according to the terms of airline frequent flier programs, the sale or barter of miles or rewards, outside of processes facilitated by the airline, is a violation and may subject your miles to forfeiture. It is much easier for airlines to police these practices, however, when miles or tickets are sold via eBay or online message boards. When the sale is between colleagues, rather than an arm's-length transaction on the open market, the airline will be much harder pressed to find out whether something fishy is going on.

That being said, airlines generally value miles at something like US$0.027 per mile. Assuming that Austrian uses the same redemption structure as United, it costs 50,000 miles for a transatlantic ticket, which, by the airline's valuation system, is about US$1350. By my experience, however, a transatlantic flight would average about US$750, which works out to US$0.015 per mile.

I guess the moral of the story is that the value of frequent flier miles is highly subjective. I recommend that you and your co-worker work out a flat fee in advance, on either a per-mile or a per-flight basis. A flat fee system is more equitable than paying a percentage of the offered price of the flight you wish to take. Your flight will cost 50,000 miles regardless of whether the airline is selling it for US$400 or US$1,400 at that given time.

3) Should there be other things for me to think about (i.e. blackout dates, hard to use miles, etc.)?

Most airline programs institute either blackout dates or capacity controls on certain flights. You should check with your airline in advance to get a sense of what these policies are. Keep in mind that whoever owns the miles bears the burden of the capacity controls. To illustrate my point, here's an extreme example: Assume there are no dates within the next year with desirable flight availability and that all your miles will expire at the end of that year (miles generally don't expire as long as there is activity on the account). If you've purchased the miles yourself and are unable to use them, you've lost what you spent. If your co-worker still holds them, you don't pay him a dime until you've found a flight that you know you'll be able to book, and if there aren't any such flights, you aren't out any money. Therefore, assuming that your co-worker's stash of miles will remain filled and accessible to you indefinitely, you should leave them in his name, even if there weren't any transfer fees obsessed.

Good luck and happy flying! Hope you use those miles to come visit me once in a while!

Hub Of The Sports Universe

Yesterday was one of those landmark days in the history of Boston sports. As an appetizer, the Patriots made dinner out of the Dolphins. Then, for the main course, the Red Sox devoured the Indians.

The Patriots started out by proving, once again, that they are so much better than just about any other team in the NFL. The rest of the AFC East is the junior varsity compared with the Patriots. Keep in mind that the Pats barely had a running game yesterday and made several defensive miscues that could have burned them big had they been playing a competent team. Yet the Pats still hung 49 points on the Fins en route to a 21-point win. Tom Brady, as usual, made things look positively easy. In order to give himself a challenge, he decided to toss a long bomb to Randy Moss in double coverage. Moss hauled in for a TD, then Brady did it again, with the same result. Whenever the Dolphins challenged and made the game remotely close, the Pats responded with another strike or three.

By about 2:13 p.m., the Pats had locked things up and Bostonians could start thinking about Sunday night's main event. With the ALCS tied at 3-3, the Sox needed one final win to complete their comeback and make the World Series. While the Indians silenced the Sox bats and the hitters lit up the Sox pitchers in Games 3 and 4, you could feel the tide turning after Josh Beckett's Game 5 gem. A victory in Game 6 almost seemed like a foregone conclusion, and by the time Game 7 rolled around, you had to feel that the momentum was heavily tilted in the Sox' favor.

Popular opinion held that the Sox had a great chance to tee off on Jake Westbrook. He had pitched one great game in the series and people thought he wouldn't be able to follow it up. They were wrong. Westbrook pitched six strong innings, and while the Sox were able to manufacture three runs by playing small ball, that lead was nowhere near safe, especially with Daisuke Matsuzaka predictably losing his dominance in the fourth and fifth innings. When the hitters were stymied, a little bit of Fenway magic was necessary for the Sox to keep the lead. Kenny Lofton was incorrectly called out after stretching a single, then was inexplicably held at third when he had a chance to head for home on a fast grounder down the third-base line.

Finally, in the seventh, the bats began to come alive for the Sox. Dustin Pedroia hit a Monster shot to give the Sox breathing room at 5-2. In the eighth, the game officially became a rout, with a bases-loaded double by Pedroia and a two-run homer by Kevin Youkilis. Once Coco Crisp caught a deep fly ball to the triangle, showing utter disregard for his own physical health in the process, the heavily-anticipated celebration could begin.

It's funny how quickly a city's attitude changes. In 2003, Sox fans were left wondering how their team would screw things up, because that's what always happened in the past. Sure enough, a hanging knuckleball by Tim Wakefield was smacked out of the park by Aaron F---ing Boone in the eleventh inning of Game 7. But in 2004, something special happened. The Sox refused to give in, despite being down to their last out in Game 4, and rallied for the greatest series comeback in baseball history. In that series, the hopeless resignation of Red Sox Nation was replaced by a feeling of invincible faith. This time around, people knew that the Sox could turn things around by winning the final three games of the ALCS and move on to their second World Series in four years. It's a great time to be a Boston resident.

Oh, and I hear there's some college football team that plays around here and is now ranked second in the nation.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 7

With the billions of dollars being thrown around for NFL television contracts, the networks each seek to create the best possible experience for their viewers. One of the ways in which they seek to effectuate this goal is through the use of on-screen graphics.

In some instances, the bells and whistles they throw on the screen are hugely helpful. I don't know what I'd do without the yellow first-down line. (On rare occasions when I attend a game in person, I've caught myself briefly wondering where the line is at the actual stadium.) The blue scrimmage line that CBS uses, while less necessary, nonetheless comes in handy on a play for negative yardage or a quarterback scramble. Even the red field goal line that CBS employs in two-minute situations is useful, though I'd wish they'd tell us whether that line represents the kicker's season best or career best.

And the list of useful graphics pretty much ends there. Every other graphic that the networks employ is gratuitous. Just because you have the technology to do something doesn't mean you should. A prime example is the video screen that Fox superimposes on the establishing shots of stadiums, making it look like it blends in somewhere. Having a video screen suddenly appear in the rafters of the Metrodome just doesn't impress me, nor does it even seem to have a point. Another pet peeve is the superimposition of down and distance on the field when the networks can just put it in the score and time box in the corner of the screen. I also can't stand when ESPN whips through a virtual representation of the scrimmage formation to show you the starting line. And don't get me started on displays employing animation and sound effects to present statistics when a simple chart will do.

I love watching football, but broadcasts should be about the game. If I wanted to watch a program showing off flashy graphics and technical wizardry that add nothing to the substance of the show, I'll just turn to Channel 7's local news.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-4-2
Season To Date: 40-41-8
Best Bets: 3-3
Eliminator: 5-1 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 3-2-1

Dolphins (+16.5) over Patriots
If God gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If God gives you Cleo Lemon, you pray for mercy and wonder what you did to deserve such a fate. LOSS

Titans (-1.5) over Texans
Okay, so both of these teams have cooled off since the start of the season and are not shaping up to be the sleepers I thought they might be. At least Tennessee has the talent to hang with any team in the league, even if they don't always win. WIN

Bucs (+2) over Lions
Jeff Garcia made five starts for the Lions in 2005, losing four of those games. Now he's playing for the 4-2 NFC South-leading Bucs. It's amazing how someone's career can turn around just by leaving Detroit. LOSS

Saints (-9) over Falcons
Byron Leftwich is the new QB for the Falcons. While he has received criticism in the past, it's probably best not to have a killer instinct when you're replacing Michael Vick. LOSS

Giants (-9) over 49ers
Not many teams can say their backup quarterback is a Super Bowl winner. Of course, Trent Dilfer is probably the only QB in the league whose Super Bowl win can best be described as a technicality. WIN

Ravens (-3) over Bills
Buffalo announced its desire to play an annual home game in Canada. Apparently, heading north of the border is their solution to keep their season from going south. LOSS

Redskins (-8.5) over Cardinals
To address their injury problems at QB, Arizona just signed Tim Hasselbeck. In a related story, the Redskins have added Rosie O'Donnell's partner to their linebacking corps. LOSS

Chiefs (+2.5) over Raiders
The Oakland Raiders have lost to the Kansas City Chiefs each of the last nine times they've played. During that span, they have been coached by Bill Callahan, Norv Turner, and Art Shell. If Lane Kiffen wants to last longer than any of those guys, shaking this particular monkey off his team's backs will be a requirement. WIN

Bengals (-6.5) over Jets
Now that Joe Torre is no longer a Yankee, he nevertheless might be able to remain in his home city of New York and take the Jets' head coaching job, now that the Man Genius has been exposed as a Boy Dunce. WIN

Bears (+5.5) over Eagles
If you allow a rookie to run for 224 yards, you don't deserve to be in the NFL. However, according to a league mandate, there must be 32 teams, so we have no choice but to allow the Bears to stick around for now. And the Eagles, for that matter. WIN

Seahawks (-8.5) over Rams
Football fans wonder whether the Rams will win a game before the Patriots lose a game. St. Louis is so bad that they don't even need Mike Martz coaching to stink up the joint this year. WIN

Cowboys (-9.5) over Vikings
After his team lost to them last week, Terrell Owens said the Patriots aren't the best team in the league. While he might or might be right (Who are we kidding? Or course he's wrong), his Cowboys sure as hell aren't the best team in the league either. WIN

Steelers (-3.5) over Broncos
At least the folks in Denver still have the Rockies. What they'll do after November 1st is anyone's guess. LOSS

Colts (-3) over Jaguars
Tom Brady is on pace to shatter Peyton Manning's record for touchdown passes in a season. I hope that CBS puts a camera on Manning while he's watching that game, since it seems like that's the only chance of seeing the sulky face this year. (Oh, except for when the Pats will wipe the field with the Colts in two weeks, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.) WIN

BEST BET: Ravens (-3) over Bills LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Washington Redskins WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+16.5) over Patriots LOSS

At Least I'm Not A Cubs Fan

While the Red Sox have been, shall we say, a tad disappointing this week, it could be much worse. This YouTube video so eloquently portrays the agony that Cubs fans have suffered over the past century, all to the tune of a 1980's German pop song.

Top Five Worst Airports For Transit

1. London-Heathrow
If you have a connection through Heathrow, you need to expect long lines, long walks, possible bus rides, dank underground corridors invoking Dante's second circle of hell, passenger waiting areas with too few seats, and BAA's notoriously finicky security rules. Leave yourself plenty of time for a connection. Given that this airport handles much more volume than it was designed for, it's a wonder that it even manages to operate on a day-to-day basis.

2. Los Angeles
If you're transiting through this airport, chances are you're switching terminals, which means you either need to wait around for one of the infrequent shuttle busses (ten minutes or more) or just walk on your own. The terminals aren't exactly close. The airport may have been state of the art in the 1970's (or before) but it is showing its age today. The passport control and customs facilities are in these horribly depressing warehouse-like basement rooms. Lines at customs and security can be excessive if you arrive at the wrong time of day.

3. Philadelphia
If you're transiting through Philadelphia, chances are that you're on US Airways, which is bad enough as is. But Philadelphia's airport is ill-suited to be a major domestic and international hub. First off, it has only two runways capable of handling mainline jets, and with its riverside location, it is incapable of expansion. Even the smallest delay earlier in the day can magnify to result in twenty-deep takeoff queues. The terminal's gate areas are far to small, so the terminal ends up clogged with people at peak times. Plus, the airport consists of seven piers jutting out from a linear concourse, which can make for some mightily long walks if you need to switch planes. Also, the baggage handling at this airport is arguably the worst in the country.

4. Paris-Charles de Gaulle
CDG Airport has two main terminals that are not particularly close to one another. Get ready for a bus ride. Upon further review, however, Terminal 2 is actually made up of six mini-terminals, each of which has its own security checkpoints and passport control areas. Unless you're lucky enough to connect within the same pod, you need to exit the airside area and undergo all the formalities to get to your next plane. Signage is not great and customer service is downright bad. You can be mere feet from your departure gate but an hour away from boarding your plane.

5. Dallas/Ft. Worth
DFW airport consists of five terminals, four of which are semi-circular with gates around the perimeter of the circles and an access road inside. With multiple ticket counters and security checkpoints, DFW is great if you're catching a flight, since you can be dropped off very close to where your gate happens to be. If you're connecting, however, you have no such luck. You need to walk all along the perimeter of the terminal, passing by each and every gate along the way, to even reach the point where you can switch to another terminal. An airport train system helps cut down on the ordeal, but waiting for a train is the last thing you want to be doing when time is running short.

Dishonorable Mention: Washington-Dulles
Dulles' gate areas are found in one of two horizontal concourses, physically separated from the ticket counters and security checkpoints, or in a small zone attached to that main terminal building. If your flight parks at one end of the C/D Concourse and your connection departs from the other end, you have a long walk in a straight line to get there. Moving walkways would be very helpful, so naturally, there aren't any (save one oft-broken exception). If you need to change concourses, you must wait for one of the mobile lounges that look like moon buggies to take you there. They run on their schedule, not yours. Passengers clearing customs and connecting to other flights proceed through the midfield inspection facility, where CBP staff always seems completely unprepared for the surge of arrivals mid-afternoon.

Top Five Gerrymandered Congressional Districts

1. Arizona 2nd
The Hopi and Navajo tribes of Arizona are long-standing enemies. Since the federal government is considered the caretaker of Indian tribes, it would be a massive conflict of interest to have both tribes represented by the same Congressman. The problem is that the Hopi reservation is surrounded on all sides by the Navajo reservation. To solve this dilemma, Arizona snaked its 2nd District down a narrow river for several hundred miles.

2. Illinois 4th
This district is the smallest in area outside of New York and San Francisco. It connects a heavily-democratic, predominately Puerto Rican area of Chicago with a heavily-democratic, predominately Mexican area of Chicago. Since congressional districts need to be contiguous, Illinois' 4th includes narrow strips of land and a section of the uninhabited Interstate 294 to artificially construct its Hispanic majority district.

3. California 23rd
This district is nearly 200 miles long yet just a few miles wide. It encompasses many of the coastal communities between Los Angeles and San Francisco. The stated purpose of this district is to ensure that the population shares a common set of values that reflect so-called coastal values. The district is heavily liberal, which is fine by the Republicans, who maintain a stranglehold on several adjacent inland districts and are perfectly happy to leave them undiluted.

4. North Carolina 12th
When it was originally drawn, this district included the heavily-black neighborhoods of Winston-Salem and Charlotte, connecting them along 160 miles of Interstate 85. The connection portion was so narrow that northbound and southbound motorists on the highway would sometimes find themselves in different districts. The structure was so obviously based on race that the Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional. The present iteration tones down the highway-based connection but the goal of uniting Charlotte and Winston-Salem remains realized.

5. Pennsylvania 12th
This district was drawn precisely to keep John Murtha in office and to reduce the number of Democrats representing Pennsylvania in Congress. This district includes the liberal suburbs of Pittsburgh and leaves out the conservative suburbs and rural areas. When the Republican-controlled state legislature redrew this district in 2000, it included the home of Rep. Frank Mascara (though not his driveway). As a result, two incumbent Democratic congressmen needed to run against each other. Murtha won, Mascara lost, and the Republicans gained a seat.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 6

After a week in which Trent Green, Matt Leinart, and Jake Delhomme all likely saw their season end, it occurred to me that we never mention the likes of premier quarterbacks such as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Brett Favre in conversations like these. It raised the following question for me: Have these guys managed to become great quarterbacks because they've luckily dodged injuries, or is their ability to dodge injuries part of their brilliant talent? Those three quarterbacks haven't missed a game due to injury since they assumed their starting roles and it's foolish to think that their perfect attendance record is a fluke.

The block that led to Green's concussion last week has been alternately described as gutsy, reckless, or cheap. When was the last time you heard either of those last two words used in conjunction with Manning, Brady, or Favre? The big three just don't make stupid plays that cause them to expose themselves in precarious positions. They're exceptionally smart about where they throw the ball, so it should come as not surprise that they're exceptionally smart about where they put their bodies.

Then again, these QB's might want to profusively thank their offensive lines for their good health. Unlike Donovan McNabb, who tastes grass frequently enough to be an honorary member of the Indigo Girls, it is a rare occurrence indeed when any of the big three gets sacked. If a quarterback doesn't even get touched, how can he get hurt?

I'm not particularly well-versed in the technical aspects of football, so I only make note of this phenomenon without trying to explain it. All I can say is that the correlation between quarterback health and quarterback performance seems like it's no accident. I'm just glad to have one of those guys on my team.

Author's note: When I found the above photograph for this article, I wanted to entitle it "Trent Green injured." However, a quick check of my photo folder yielded the finding that I already used that title for a photo in last year's Playing The Spread. Case in point.

The following selections are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers. If you disregarded my warning last week, aren't you sorry!

Last week's disaster: 3-11
Season To Date: 33-37-6
Best Bets: 2-3
Eliminator: 4-1 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 3-2

Patriots (-5.5) over Cowboys
After Tony Romo's five-interception performance last week, Asante Samuel must be licking his lips. Or maybe he's just excited to try some of T.O.'s popcorn. WIN

Bucs (-3) over Titans
For selection purposes, I've learned to disregard the result of any previous week's game played at the RCA Dome as an aberration for the visiting team. TIE

Bears (-5) over Vikings
Looks like we wrote the Bears off for dead a little too soon. But when the media's calling for Kyle Orton to be given a chance as your starter, you'd do the same thing. LOSS

Jaguars (-6.5) over Texans
If Travis Johnson is so set on taunting a player while standing over his defeated, unconscious body, I'd like to suggest he take a ride up to Yankee Stadium. WIN

Browns (-4.5) over Dolphins
Cleo Lemon is the NFL player with the wimpiest-sounding name this side of Ashley Lelie. WIN

Rams (+9.5) over Ravens
The Rams might not have a single wide receiver this Sunday, but against a Ravens team that scored but three field goals last week, the Rams could cover the spread even if they're on the wrong end of a shutout. LOSS

Redskins (+3) over Packers
I could issue a pronouncement that Brett Favre is actually mortal, but if you're willing to look back about ten months, you'll see that my revelation is nothing new. TIE

Bengals (-3) over Chiefs
If you had Week 5 in your 2007 Bengals arrest pool, you win. I think I know the ideal team for Ricky Williams should he be reinstated. LOSS

Eagles (-3) over Jets
One week after a career game, Donovan McNabb was sacked 12 times. Looks like it's time for him to play the race card again. WIN

Panthers (+4) over Cardinals
Carolina has a tough decision to make about who will start this week: a washed-up quarterback who's taken plenty of licks and whose best days are behind him, or Vinny Testaverde. WIN

Chargers (-9.5) over Raiders
I feel like a sleeping giant has been awakened. San Diego let out four weeks of football frustration in Denver and it seems like they're showing no signs of slowing down. WIN

Seahawks (-6.5) over Saints
In their first five games this year, Seattle scored 20, 20, 24, 23, and 0 points. If ever there was an argument for regression to the mean, this is it. LOSS

Giants (-3.5) over Falcons
If she manages to stop crying about Joe Torre's not-so-imminent departure by Monday night, at least WCBS's Suzyn Waldman can take pleasure in the Giants' inevitable steamrolling of the hapless Falcons. WIN

BEST BET: Browns (-4.5) over Dolphins WIN
ELIMINATOR: San Diego Chargers WIN

THE MONKEY: Packers (-3) over Redskins TIE

Yankees Still Suck!

Last night completed yet another marvelous Gothamfreude doubleheader as the New York Yankees suffered yet another postseason meltdown, this time losing to the Cleveland Indians in four games. Joe Torre made the most boneheaded managing decision this side of Grady Little when he decided to start Chien-Ming Wang on three days rest even though he had a fresh Mike Mussina on the bench. One inning and later, the Yanks were left to climb out of a 4-0 hole. Meanwhile, Indians manager Eric Wedge smartly resisted the calls to start his ace, C.C. Sabathia, on short rest, opting to stick with the four-man rotation by throwing Paul Byrd, as scheduled. Unlike the Yankees, the Indians would have one more game if they lost Game 4, and besides, why screw with a formula that left you tied for the best regular-season record in baseball?

Once the Indians had taken their lead, all they needed to do was buckle down and keep the Yankees from coming back. And the Yanks were all to happy to comply. Alex Rodriguez finally broke out of his years-long postseason slump when he hit a homer in the seventh, but it was quite possibly the most useless home run of the series, since there was nobody on base and it shaved the deficit from four to three and the following batters didn't do a damn thing to follow it up. Meanwhile, Derek Jeter assumed A-Rod's traditional choker role by hitting into an inning-ending double play in the 6th with one out and runners on the corners. It was a meltdown for the ages, and to make it even more sweet, it transpired in front of 56,000 speechless members of the Yankees faithful.

Some claim that if the Red Sox do end up winning the World Series, it won't be quite as sweet since we didn't go through the Yankees to do it. I find that sentiment to be a bunch of crap. A World Series is a World Series, and besides, we exorcised those Yankee demons in 2004. I'd much rather play Cleveland, avoiding an opponent we know so well (and the inevitable hyperbole that accompanies their so-called superstars) in favor of an up-and-coming young team. Cleveland will be a tough test, don't get me wrong, especially from a pitching perspective, but I appreciate the opportunity to craft a whole new storyline starting on Friday.

For Your Convenience

Earlier today, I visited travelocity.com to price out a flight and hotel package to Las Vegas. After picking my hotel and finding the flight schedule I wanted, the website brought me to the page where they list all the shows and tours and excursions and even meals or shopping packages that you can purchase for while you're on the trip. I was greeted with the message, "For your convenience, we have added ground transportation to your purchase. If you do not wish to purchase ground transportation, please change the quantity of transfers to 0 and confirm your selection."

Now, "for your convenience" is one of those danger phrases, like "to better serve you" and "as an added benefit to our customer," that corporations use to disguise what would otherwise be a naked cash grab. On this occasion, the website makes you go through a multi-step, non-intuitive process to decline something you didn't want anyway. The ground transportation they speak of is a round-trip ticket for one of those shuttle vans that ply the Strip. If you have more than one person, a taxi is only marginally more expensive and much quicker, especially considering that you must schedule your return pick-up with the shuttle company several hours earlier and then hope they show up on time.

I find this type of marketing to be disingenuous, if not altogether deceptive. It's one thing to have to click through three pages of tours or show tickets they're trying to cross-sell you (especially since the same tours or tickets are 30% cheaper if you purchase them directly from the operator once you're at your destination). It's another thing when an additional product is added to your package without you specifically requesting it. Granted, the basic rules of caveat emptor require you to read through a web page before you click the button to check out, and the unsolicited inclusion of ground transportation is clearly noted if you read the first few lines of the page. However, it is a reasonable assumption that when you select the product you want online and then click "Continue" on all successive pages until you reach the checkout screen, you won't end up with any extras.

To make matters worse, Travelocity includes the waste of money that is travel insurance in your package, forcing you to actively decline that add-on as well. Because of all the steps I had to take to avoid being charged for unwanted extras, "for your convenience" is anything but.

Top Five Baseball Natural Disasters

Baseball has a reputation for calling games at the sight of the slightest raindrop. But far more severe weather-related events or natural disasters have affected baseball games, some of which resulted in cancellations while others did not.

1. Earthquake (Giants-Athletics, 1989 World Series)
As Game 3 of the 1989 World Series was about to start, the television feed at the Oakland Coliseum was suddenly interrupted, only to be replaced with a sitcom rerun several minutes later. It turned out that an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter Scale had hit the Bay Area. The World Series was postponed for ten days as the region's infrastructure and telecommunications links were restored.

2. Infestation (Yankees-Indians, 2007 ALDS)
We saw a modern-day version of the third plague on Friday night. In the late innings of Game 2, a swarm of midges suddenly descended on Jacobs Field. Yankees training staff repeatedly and fruitlessly sprayed pitcher Joba Chamberlain with insect repellent. With the bugs swarming around him and climbing all over his skin, Chamberlain delivered a wild pitch that allowed the Indians to tie the game.

3. Flood (Pirates-Astros, 1976)
When the Houston Astrodome was constructed, it was supposed to be the panacea for the frequent rainouts that plagued Houston's previous outdoor stadium. Yet, the Astrodome suffered a rainout anyway on June 15, 1976, when torrential rains flooded the area around the Astrodome kept the umpires and most spectators for making it to the stadium while the players and about 20 hardy fans were stranded inside the dome overnight.

4. Snow (White Sox-Blue Jays, 1977)
The first MLB game ever played in Toronto was fittingly greeted by a snow storm. With winds in excess of 20 mph and a wind chill factor of 10 degrees below zero, the game proceeded anyway. The Blue Jays borrowed the Zamboni machine from the Toronto Maple Leafs in order to clear the snow off the infield carpet between innings. The outfield was left covered by snow.

5. Hurricane (Yankees-Orioles, 2003)
With the season winding down and precious few make-up dates available, the Orioles opted to play the final game of a series against the Yankees despite the rapid approach of Hurricane Isabel. It seemed like the entire city of Baltimore -- schools and government included -- had closed down, yet the baseball game, which was moved from 7 p.m. to the early afternoon, went ahead anyway. The teams managed to fight off the elements long enough to play five innings and make the game official, but since it ended in a 1-1 tie, they would have to make it up anyway. After the game, the Yankees' plane was nearly marooned in Baltimore, barely managing to leave the city before the storm became too severe.

Honorable Mention: Disco Records (Tigers-White Sox, 1979)
In one of the most ill-fated promotions in MLB history, Bill Veeck and the Chicago White Sox held Disco Demolition Night in between the two games of a doubleheader. Fans were encouraged to bring their old disco records to the stadium. After the first game concluded, the records were assembled into a box in the outfield which was promptly blown up. The explosion carved out a hole in the outfield grass as fragments of records rained down everywhere. Rowdy fans rushed the field and rioted, which resulted in the White Sox forfeiting the second game of the twinbill.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 5

The new NFL touchdown pass champion is Brett Favre. After flirting with retirement for what seems like three straight years, Favre is off to one of the greatest starts of his career. Despite not having a running game to speak of, the Packers are 4-0 and with the possible exception of the Cowboys, look like the strongest team in the NFC.

But the thing about Brett Favre is that he's an eminently likable guy. Over the past 15 years or so, he's become a pleasant constant in our lives. Heck, the man hasn't missed a start since being given the job in 1992. The Packers' backup quarterback has the most frustrating job in sports this side of Milton Bradley's anger management counselor. When he suffered various family emergencies, we shared his pain with him, then experienced the elation when he responded to his grief with career-best performances.

About the biggest compliment Favre could receive is the standing ovation he got from Vikings fans after breaking Dan Marino's touchdown record on the road. Here's a guy that comes into the Metrodome once a year and gives the hometown team fits. he has single-handedly kept the Vikings out of the playoffs more than one. Yet, the fans of the Purple People Eaters have nothing but respect for Favre. He may be a constant thorn in their side, but they can't say a single bad word about him. He's just plain better than anyone the Vikings have positioned behind center since Fran Tarkenton.

And the crowning glory was seeing the always-irritable Dan Marino clench his teeth and congratulate Favre after yet another one of his records slipped away.

The following selections are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-7
Season to date: 30-26-6
Best Bets: 2-2
Eliminator: 3-1 (Streak: L 1)
The Monkey: 2-2

Browns (+16.5) over Patriots
Cleveland's strategy of suffering horrifying losses in odd weeks while pulling out improbable victories in even weeks is a perfect recipe for an 8-8 record and yet another thrashing by the Patriots. (Something tells me that Romeo Crennel won't let his team lose by three scores, though.) LOSS

Titans (-8.5) over Falcons
The Falcons and Michael Vick are entering arbitration over whether the team can revoke Vick's signing bonus. The arbitrator will be Special Master Stephen Burbank, who happens to be my old law professor. If memory serves me right, he's a dog owner. LOSS

Texans (-5.5) over Dolphins
You know your season is a lost cause when you get spanked by the Oakland Raiders. I mean, the team went 2-14 last year, and yet, the Fins still lost by three touchdowns. Nick Saban will be laughing all the way to the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. LOSS

Jaguars (-2) over Chiefs
Fresh off their shocking upset against the nevertheless overrated Chargers, people are wondering if the Chiefs might be the surprise team of the 2007 season. I'm willing to say no. WIN

Cardinals (-3.5) over Rams
They used to be The Greatest Show On Turf but the Rams managed but a single touchdown last week, and that was off a punt return. Marc Bulger might not be the problem, but Gus Frerotte certainly is not the solution. LOSS

Panthers (+3) over Saints
Each year, there's one team that comes out of nowhere to make waves in the playoffs, only to return to 5-11 obscurity the year afterward. In 2004, it was the Falcons, in 2005, the Bengals, and last year, it was the Saints. NFL experts are desperately clinging to last season and hoping that the Saints turn it around. History tells us that it's time to let go. WIN

Giants (-3.5) over Jets
I picked the Jets as my Eliminator last week, thinking that knocking off the M*A*S*H unit in Buffalo would be a slam dunk. I learned this very important lesson: never underestimate how badly Chad Pennington sucks. WIN

Seahawks (+5.5) over Steelers
You know, if the Seattle Seahawks were to suddenly drop out of the NFL and disband, I'm not sure anybody outside the Pacific Time Zone would even notice. LOSS

Lions (+3.5) over Redskins
I guess I might as well start drinking the Kool-Aid and hop on the Lions bandwagon. According to Jon Kitna, even God has climbed aboard. LOSS

Bucs (+10) over Colts
While Tampa Bay might be the surprise team of the year (amazing what can happen when you replace a QB who got his job through nepotism with someone who's actually earned the position), I can't see them upsetting the Colts on the road. LOSS

Broncos (-1.5) over Chargers
When Marty Schottenheimer's your coach, at least you're in the games until you blow it at the end. LOSS

Ravens (-3.5) over 49ers
Which team will be the first to cough up a huge lead and find themselves in a hole they can't get out of? Find out this Sunday afternoon on CBS! LOSS

Packers (-3) over Bears
The legend of Brett Favre continues. The legend of Rex Grossman is dead. The legend of Brian Griese never existed in the first place. LOSS

Cowboys (-10) over Bills
After doing his best Garo Yepremian impression last week, let's see what Tony Romo can do to toy with the opposition this time around. LOSS

BEST BET: Broncos (-1.5) over Chargers LOSS
ELIMINATOR: New York Giants WIN

THE MONKEY: Rams (+3.5) over Cardinals WIN