Stupid Spoiled Recording Artist

Last night, the anchorman on the local news made some joke, comparing something to Paris Hilton's new album. "No," I thought. "He's putting me on. Paris Hilton cannot possibly be planning to record an album. There's no way." Oh boy, was I wrong.

It's one thing when the likes of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff cross the line from acting into singing. People who are artistically talented in one genre are generally talented in other genres. Paris Hilton, on the other hand, has made a career out of drinking excessively, dressing like a prostitute, and performing sex acts on a steady stream of men. Nothing Paris Hilton does requires any modicum of artistic talent. Nonetheless, she has parlayed her intoxicated promiscuity into acting gigs (beyond a certain amateur video, that is). Have you ever seen House of Wax? Neither has anyone else, but Paris Hilton was in that. And now, her uber-rich brain-dead party girl antics somehow qualify her to record her own album, mixing elements of reggae, pop, and hip-hop. (Commence vomiting now.)

What bothers me is that somewhere in America, a talented but unknown young woman missed out on a music deal because the record companies decided to put their money behind Paris Hilton instead. Look at all the genuinely desperate people on American Idol who camp out for days for a chance to get in front of Randy, Paula, and Simon and maybe, possibly, somehow make it big. Many of them are actually quite talented -- they just don't have the necessary hook to distinguish themselves from the rest of the pack. Meanwhile, a socialite heiress gets the contract, because, well, people know her name and reputation. (But I can't figure out who would actually buy her album. Everybody I know thinks Paris Hilton is ridiculous and would not give her a cent of their hard-earned cash.)

I won't completely condemn all celebrity worship, but please, people! Choose someone who actually has earned the attention!

Text To Win, But Really Lose

Have you noticed lately the proliferation of text-to-win type contests connected with various television shows? The Apprentice, Deal Or No Deal, Treasure Hunters, and Hell's Kitchen all have these types of contests, and those are just the shows I watch. The contests all work the same way: At every commercial break, you are presented with an array of contestants or briefcases or trivia answers, and you have to guess which one is the lucky case or express who you think is the best chef or who deserves to be fired. When you text in, you are entered into a sweepstakes for what always seems to be $10,000.

Here's the catch: premium text messaging rates apply, which means that each contest entry costs you 99 cents. Of course, the fine print specifies that you can enter online for free, which you must be allowed to do under federal law. However, I can't imagine all that many people in lazy mass-market America get up and run to their computers when their cell phones are handy. A little bit of quick math yields the conclusion that they must receive well over 10,000 entries each night, and even from each time zone, since I think they have multiple giveaways each night. Therefore, the networks have quite the scam going on. They have managed to bypass the advertisers and get their money straight from the viewers, without the middleman. Just like any lottery, your odds are not good. Rest assured that yours truly will never succumb to such a lame gimmick. (Now, blackjack is another story....)

Top Five Sporting Events That Didn't Make Last Week's List

1. Super Bowl
I'd rather watch the Super Bowl at home than in person. It's hit-or-miss (usually miss) whether the game is any good, and the pre-game and halftime entertainment is predictably awful, so when you attend the game, you miss the two redeeming factors of Super Bowl Sunday: the commercials and the Super Bowl party camaraderie.

2. Final Four
What I love about March Madness is the sheer volume of basketball over the first two weekends and the guarantee of shocking upsets somewhere along the way. You don't know where and when the most epic games will take place, so you have to stay tuned at all times. By the time you reach the Final Four, things are anti-climactic. It's the only show in town, there are rarely any major surprises, and the basketball can be surprising dull. (George Mason getting to the Final Four was an amazing story. George Mason actually in the Final Four? Not so much.)

3. Kentucky Derby
You can praise the party scene all you want if your idea of fun is sipping mint juleps with Southern gentlemen in Colonel Sanders suits and their floral-hat-clad wives. But I won't go to an event for the spectacle unless the actual competiton is worth watching. A horse race that starts and ends in just over two minutes won't do it for me. (Especially when you consider that since the Derby is limited to three-year-olds, it doesn't even feature the country's best horses.)

4. Army-Navy Game
This rivalry is arguably the nation's most intense and it is certainly the nation's most respectful. The tradition, the pomp and circumstance, and the patriotism that stems from this annual matchup is replicated nowhere else in American sports. Too bad the football sucks. I can get similar quality by going to an Ivy League game.

5. Any MLB, NBA, or NHL Playoff Game
The rules of this Top 5 list state that I must select my event without regard to the teams who are playing and the location. Each sport's postseason produces several epic contests each year, but it's tough to predict when they'll occur, particularly if you don't even know which teams will be playing. The safest bet is Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals, which is always an intense, highly-spirited affair, but there is no guarantee that the series will even make it to seven games, so I can't choose it. If I can't definitively say, four months in advance and without knowing who's playing, that Game Three of the ALCS will be better than any other postseason baseball game that year, I'm not going to make it my choice.

Big F---ing Chicken

Well, that's what it sounds like! And I'm still puzzled as to what the heck it has to do with Burger King.

American Shill

I am now officially sick and tired of the Ford commercial featuring Taylor Hicks singing about the "Possibilities" of buying a Ford. Hicks owes his career to the corporate interests who package that fluff known as "American Idol" in such a way as to extract as much money as possible from the brainwashed teeny-bopper masses. Hicks, while talented, would be nothing without the good folks at Ford, Coca-Cola, Cingular, and BMG who have devised a foolproof way to find America's next pop music goldmine by throwing a whole bunch of contenders at the American public for four months and seeing who sticks once all is said and done, while simultaneously force-feeding their products down the throats of the mass market for 90 minutes each week.

Look at the corporate doublespeak in Ford's press release trying to downplay Hicks' sell-out by making it sound like he's doing Ford a favor:
“Taylor Hicks is living the American dream and we’re excited to be a part of his journey to stardom,” said John Felice, Ford brand general marketing manager. “It’s a bold move to audition for American Idol and it takes talent, hard work and confidence to win. That’s why Taylor is such a great fit for Ford.”

I didn't think Hicks would have to pay the piper quite so soon, but then again, each Idol results show involves the contestants performing a song while driving down the street in their (surprise!) Ford. Do you hear that whooshing sound? That's corporate America sucking dry yet another of the precious few remaining vestiges of independent thought. Why should we waste energy deciding what car we want to buy when American Idol can do it for us?

Referee Schadenfreude

I have been a licensed soccer referee since 1994. I've done youth games for kids through the age of nineteen, high school games, and lately, even adult recreational games. In my 13-year career, I have handed out four red cards. In ninety minutes on Sunday, Russian referee Valentin Ivanov equalled my career total, sending off two players each from the Portugal and Netherlands sides.

Ivanov completely lost control of this game. I do believe that referees in this World Cup have been overzealous in their use of the yellow cards. If referees hand out yellow cards for minor offenses early in the games, players figure out that if they're going to get yellow-carded anyway, they might as well make their fouls count. And once the violent tackles and cheap shots mount, tempers flare to the point that subsequent yellow and red cards can no longer keep the game under control. The secret is preventive officiating -- exerting your authority early in the game and maintaining constant communication with the players. But I believe that preventive officiating is difficult with the language barriers that result from multi-national referee crews and squads from different countries. Red and yellow cards are universally understood, but not much else is. Additionally, the nature of the sport provides that in soccer, unlike in American football or ice hockey, there is only one official who has the sole power to make calls. The assistant referees are there for advisory purposes only. As a result, if the ref loses it, the slippery slope carries the game quickly into chaos, as there is nobody else who can step in an reassert themselves over the game.

I do empathize with a fellow official who loses control of a game. We all have those bad days where the players just aren't behaving themselves and even the cards become futile in an attempt to keeps things under control. But if someone else goes in over their head, I want to see them crash and burn. I want to see yellow cards for the most trifiling offenses. I want to see dirty cleats-up slide tackles from behind. I want to see players kicking goalkeepers in the face well after they have the ball under control. I want to see defenders deliver cheap shots to strikers once their backs are turned. I want to see the sides play nine-on-seven after six red cards have been handed out. And I want to see the referee blamed and lambasted for the carnage by the world media. Why? Because it's not me. I like to think I'm a pretty good ref, but there are days when I blow it. However, even when I blow it, at least I'm not Valentin Ivanov self-destructing in front of a live worldwide audience. And that makes me feel good.

(And, for the record, Dutch player Jan Johannes Vennegor of Hesselink has the coolest name I've come across in quite some time, even though it surely gives fits to uniform makers.)

Three And Out

It was not one of their more inspiring performances. Despite overachieving at the 2002 World Cup in Korea, the U.S. national soccer team was far from a shoo-in for the Round of 16 this time around, especially after being placed into the Group of Death. But the lackluster effort against Ghana, leading to a 2-1 loss in the one game everyone thought the Yanks were sure to win, sent the Americans home after three games in one lone point in hand.

I'm not going to criticize any strategic decisions made by Bruce Arena. There's a reason why he's the coach and I'm not. Would putting in certain substitutes into the game ten or fifteen minutes earlier have made a difference? I doubt it. What I will criticize, however, is that the U.S. failed to play with the aggressiveness that brought them such success last time around. I did not detect urgency in the U.S. play until twenty minutes were remaining in the game. Even then, the Yanks couldn't serve the ball into the box if their lives depended on it (which, figuratively, they did). So many successive corner kicks and free kicks and crosses went high or wide. Landon Donovan and DaMarcus Beasley both had opportunities on breakaways to sprint forward into open space, but they squandered their chances by holding back and waiting for their teammates, and consequently the Ghanian defenders, to close in, shutting down the open room.

Clint Dempsey's goal for the Yanks late in the first half was the lone bright spot. Throwing caution to the wind, Beasley sprinted up the left wing and sent a cross over to Dempsey inside the penalty area. Without breaking stride, Dempsey made a perfect redirection and set the ball home. However, the equalizer was quickly wiped out with a weak penalty kick call on an Oguchi Onyekwu "foul." I can criticize the call all day, but the fact of the matter is that unless the Yanks managed to score a second goal, their tournament would have been over anyway.

My hat goes off to the Black Stars of Ghana. It is wonderful to see an African national team defeat the second-ranked and fifth-ranked teams in the world, en route to a Round of 16 berth. While the European and South American teams do continue to rule the soccer world, the occassional African or Asian team can give them a run for their money and exert itself as a member of the world's elite. Soccer is truly the world's game, and rest assured that I will be pulling for Ghana to notch an even more improbable upset as they challenge the Brazilians on Tuesday.

Top Five Sporting Events I Want To Attend

Here are the rules: You have free tickets to any five sporting events that take place in North America. The events must be annual (i.e. the Olympics or World Cup wouldn't count) and you cannot select the event conditional upon certain teams making it in (i.e. you can't choose an MLB playoff game if the Red Sox were to make it in).

1. MLB All-Star Game
This game is the only place where you can see all the top talent in Major League Baseball (plus the obligatory selections from the Devil Rays and Royals) playing together. Notwithstanding the gratuitous substitutions, it is the only professional all-star game that counts for something and actually resembles the real thing.

2. Rose Bowl
Ideally, I'd like to catch this game during a year that features the traditional Big Ten-Pac 10 matchup, but even if tradition is sacrificed in the name of a more coherent BCS (yes, the words coherent and BCS appeared in the same sentence), there is no denying that the Grandaddy of Them All is an incredible college football spectacle.

3. Talladega 500
In a previous post, I mentioned that my inner redneck yearned for a trip to a NASCAR race. If I'm going to attend one race, I want to see the largest and fastest track, with the best chance for a major accident, and among the best party scenes. Obviously, I'll be watching from atop an RV in the infield with a can of Bud Light in either hand.

4. Men's NCAA Basketball: North Carolina at Duke
The ultimate rivalry in college basketball at the home of the most intense fans in college basketball. It's an opportunity I cannot pass up.

5. The Masters
I've never been to a golf event, so I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm intrigued at the chance to mingle with Hootie and the Bluebloods and figure out exactly why The Masters is a tradition unlike any other. I'd imagine it'll become clear once I'm actually there.

Honorable Mention: NBA All-Star Game
The complete lack of defense makes it into a bit of a farce, but for sheer concentration of star-power, you can't beat this game. With no mandatory selection requirements, the NBA can put its best players on the court together, let them loose, and put on one heck of a show.

Caught In The Act

Sunday night featured yet another installment of Dateline NBC's series in which they lure online child predators to a staked-out house and humiliate them on national television by letting them try to explain themselves before the cops move in and make an arrest. The most disturbing line of dialogue was the following.

So what’s going to be happening if I’m not here? You’re naked. There’s a 14 year old girl. You’re chasing a cat around. You’ve got Cool Whip and you want this girl to do some sex act with the cat and then you’ll have sex with her. Is that accurate?

Nothing good can come of such a situation. Nothing. Just want to leave you with that oh-so-pleasant image. Bonus points if you can figure out how it all fits together.

(And nothing helps the self-confidence like seeing a parade of perverts on TV, allowing you to realize just how normal you in fact are.)

Let's Search For Treasure!

Yesterday, I watched another new reality show that I'll be adding to my repertoire. Treasure Hunters combines the travel of The Amazing Race with the cerebral puzzle solving of The Mole. It's actually a very friendly marriage of the two. It's not quite as frantic as The Amazing Race; you don't find yourself gripping your seat as the show goes on. The videography makes it very clear that you are watching something that took place in the past, whereas TAR effectively puts forth the illusion that the show is unfolding as you watch. But the storytelling is still enthralling. The Mole was rather obtuse at times and it was difficult to keep track of all the different clues. Treasure Hunters is more linear, striking the balance between giving the audience a chance to figure out the clue on their own and leaving them in the dark altogether until well after the fact.

My biggest complaint rests in the relentless product placement. Not only must the show constantly remind you that the teams have Motorola RAZR phones and Visa credit cards, but it goes so far as to make the contestants wear Ask.com t-shirts. Then again, in the age of TiVo, in-show product placement will replace commercials for advertiser exposure. Just look at The Apprentice, which has managed to find sponsors for certain tasks even though they have nothing to do with the actual task.

My two favorite teams right now are the Southie Boys (Boston pride!) and the Geniuses (genius pride!). I find it quite ironic that the team calling themselves the Geniuses almost found themselves eliminated after the first round. They consistently overanalyzed things and dug themselves into a deeper and deeper hole by going to a wrong destination and refusing to admit they were wrong, and they were saved only by another team's fortuitous decision to make a phone call and find out why everyone else was missing. All in all, the show is a winner and I'll keep on watching. Too bad they're airing it at 9 p.m. on Monday directly opposite Hell's Kitchen. So, I'm double-booked in a slot while there's little else worth watching the entire remainder of the week.

Federal Emergency Mis-Management Agency?

Everyone's favorite hobby these days is FEMA-bashing, and last week's report that as much as a quarter of the money that FEMA paid out in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina went toward fradulent claims gave FEMA-bashers yet another excuse to criticize the agency. But in all fairness, FEMA was stuck between a rock and hard place. By making relief money quickly and readily available, particularly through $2,000 debit cards, FEMA exposed itself to fraud and misallocations. (It should come as no surprise that con artists see a major national disaster as an opportunity for profiteering. Just look at the aftermath of 9/11.)

But the alternative would be to subject these hurricane victims to the despised process of navigating bureaucratic red tape. If the government were to fully research and substantiate these claims, the hurricane victims, who had already been displaced from their homes and had their daily routines shattered, would be stuck in limbo for weeks and months. Furthermore, many of these people had lost everything in the disaster, including the paperwork they would need to satisfy the government that their claims were legitimate. Such a process would have placed these people in a horrible Catch-22. The Democrats would have had a field day with all the political backlash (though, as usual, I doubt they'd have any good alternative ideas to offer).

Jeff Jacoby has an interesting article in the Boston Globe today about allowing private sector non-profit organizations to control the contribution and distribution of relief funds. I have no doubt that a private sector operation would be more efficient than what the government could do, but I question whether it would be enough in all cases. I do believe that disaster relief is a necessary function of government, and I would love to see private contributions offset the total bill, but what happens when the private sector comes up short? Sure, Hurricane Katrina captured the nation's attention and galvanized an outpouring of financial support. But what about the hundreds of minor disasters that FEMA deals with on an annual basis? I didn't see all sorts of donations coming in to help those displaced by the floods we've had in New England over the last two months. The only way to help those victims is for the taxpayers to pitch in.

As much as I believe in small government and the free market economy, in cases of market failure, the government must step in and fill the gaps. So, lay off FEMA just a little bit, okay? They're doing a heck of a job.

Yankees That I Actually Like

Congratulations are in order for the U.S. national soccer team. After a 1-1 draw against Italy in which they left everything on the field, and with a major assist from Ghana's upset over the Czech Republic, the Yanks are in a surprisingly solid position to advance into the elimination round.

Say what you will about Coach Bruce Arena's public denouncement of his team's performance after their lackluster 3-0 loss to the Czechs last Monday, but it seemed to work. You could tell that the Americans left everything they had on the field against Italy, and as a result, they came away with a well-deserved tie. What concerns me though is that the scoring came off an Italian own goal, meaning that the Americans have yet to put a ball into the net off their own foot during this World Cup. I would also like to state, for the record, that the officiating during today's match was reprehensible. Pablo Mastroeni's foul that earned a red card deserved a yellow at best, since it came in from the side and not from behind. Eddie Pope's second yellow came off a clean play, since he made contact with the ball and only nicked his opponent on the follow-through. For the Americans to play down a man for almost the entire second half thanks to abominable officiating and yet still salvage a tie against one of the top sides in the world is truly admirable.

The Yanks play their last game of the first round on Thursday, against Ghana. It is a must-win game. With a tie or loss, the Americans are done. Seeing what the Ghanaians did against the Czechs who slaughtered the U.S., a victory will not come easy. If the U.S. wins and the Italians beat the Czechs, the the U.S. advances. If the Czechs win, then the U.S. must either blowout Ghana or hope that the Czechs blow out the Italians (the sum of the margins of victory must be at least five for the Americans to have a chance to advance). And finally, if the Czechs and Italians tie, then the U.S. must beat Ghana by five goals to advance, though they still have a chance with a four-goal margin depending on how many goals are allowed by all the teams. Only one match so far in the World Cup has been decided by more than three goals, so running up the score will be no easy feat. (For a more comprehensive and clear version of what I tried to explain, click here.)

In any case, the Americans are in a much better position than they were a mere twelve hours ago. All they can do is try to beat Ghana and score as much as possible, and hope everything else takes care of itself.

If You Can't Stand The Heat . . .

Monday night saw the return of one of my favorite reality shows. Hell's Kitchen involves twelve contestants vying to win their own restaurant by working under the fiery, acid-tongued British chef Gordon Ramsey. Ramsey makes Simon Cowell look like Paula Abdul. He is downright verbally abusive to the chefs-in-training who work for him during the show. Ramsey is very candid with his opinions about contestants' performances and very liberal with his use of profanity. In fact, it's awkward to watch at times, since unlike American Idol, where contestants sit there and take what Simon Cowell throws at them before moving on to chat with Ryan Seacrest and do other things, the contestants who are rebuked by Ramsey must return to the kitchen, prepare their dish over again, and re-submit it for his (dis)approval. You cannot run, you cannot hide.

Hell's Kitchen really makes me appreciate the hard work that goes into running a restaurant. All the moving pieces must come together at exactly the same time to prepare a satisfactory meal in a timely fashion. Hell's Kitchen routinely struggles to promptly feed all its diners, most of whom are sent home hungry once Ramsey decides the night's service has been a failure and orders the contestants to "shut it down." But Ramsey's attention to detail and relentless pursuit of perfection can not go unnoticed by those patrons who do get their meals on time. Add in all the prep work and clean-up that goes into feeding people day in and day out, and one can see why the restaurant business is one of the hardest working (and most under-appreciated) industries out there.

The clear favorite to win Hell's Kitchen 2, in my humble opinion, is Heather. The girl is a good chef. During the first service, her team was unable to get any meals out of the kitchen until she was brought in from donkey (clean-up) duty. Then, suddenly, a half-dozen tables received their appetizers within a matter of minutes. Also, Heather has a relentless drive for success and is as tough as nails. During the second service, she burned her hand on the stove and had to submerge it in water. But while she was incapacitated, she kept on shouting orders to her fellow contestants in the kitchen. When an ambulance eventually arrived, Heather left Hell's Kitchen for the hospital only reluctantly. Even Ramsey was impressed. (Compare her departure with that of Ashy Larry, who was too sick to perform the prep work, then suddenly recovered just in time to get drunk and frolic with the female contestants in the hot tub, then quit the game claiming exhaustion after only one service.) Heather's skill and work ethic is unimpeachable. I am rooting for her to win the whole thing.

This Land Is Your Land, This Land Is My Land

For the record, I am in favor of immigration. My great-grandparents came to this country from Eastern Europe in order to start a new life. If their future generations were any indication, I'd say they did pretty well for themselves. Therefore, it would not be fair for me to oppose further immigration, because people still exist today who are in search of the same opportunities. America is a country of immigrants. Our multi-culturalism gives our country its character. But immigration must be subject to two caveats: First, it must be conducted through the proper legal channels. Second, immigrants must assimilate into our culture. Yes, you can maintain your native traditions and languages, but you must also understand that you are now Americans, and for all the opportunity it provides, you owe this country respect for and adoption of its own values.


Each morning, on my way to work, I walk down Cambridge Street, through an area heavily populated by people of Portuguese and Brazilian ethnicity. With the World Cup currently going on, there is a furor of nationalistic pride. Portuguese and Brazilian flags and banners hang in many storefront windows. But more often than not, these flags are accompanied by the Stars and Stripes of the U.S.A. I am heartened to know that while these immigrants want nothing more than to see their home countries win the World Cup, they are also rooting for the U.S. national team to be successful (even though it's a severe uphill battle by this point). You can have it both ways. You can be a Brazilian-American or a Portuguese-American. I am thrilled to recognize and celebrate the Brazilian and Portuguese part of your culture, but I ask that you recognize and celebrate the newly-acquired American part of your culture as well. It seems that many of you recent arrivals have adopted this country as your own. I congratulate you and welcome you. Let's go U.S.A.! Viva Brasil! Viva Portugal!

Shakespeare, The Way He Intended It

My travel schedule during my European adventure left me in London on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon with nothing to do. So, I walked down the south bank of the Thames to the re-creation of the Globe Theatre. During the summer, Shakespeare's Globe presents performances of his plays in the same enclosed but open-air setting in which his works premiered during the 16th century. For five pounds, you can purchase a standing-room ticket for the yard, allowing you to watch the play mere feet from the stage along with all the other groundlings.

The show I happened upon that Saturday was Titus Andronicus. I have read a fair bit of Shakespeare, but I was unfamiliar with that particular work from the canon. The basic premise is that Titus, a Roman general, returns home victorious from battle, having taken Tamora, Queen of the Goths, and her sons as prisoners. To thank the gods, Titus sacrifices Tamora's eldest son, incurring Tamora's wrath. The remainder of the play centers around the lengths to which Tamora will go to exact her revenge.

In a nutshell, the attraction of the show is that it contains a body count that would make the writers of 24 jealous. The fifth act is to Hamlet what the second act is to Titus Andronicus. It's a gruesome play in which virtually every character meets a hideous, premature demise. Even the characters who manage to evade death initially still end up dead at the end. Nobody is even apologetic in the least about the bloodshed. The company at the Globe did a very nice job carrying the play out. With several exceptions (e.g. female actors, blood capsules, Converse sneakers) the actors stayed true to the same Elizabethan style of performance that Londoners could have seen in the Globe over four centuries ago. I'm a history buff, so to be able to participate in substantially the same activity that folks in the late 1500's enjoyed was truly insightful and rewarding.

Who Is Mr. Clutch?

After yet another walkoff home run by David Ortiz yesterday, one of the Boston sports anchormen said that he couldn't think of another Boston athlete who performs as well in the clutch. Well, I know that he decided to betray the good folks of New England by running off to play with choker-extraordinare Peyton Manning in Indianapolis, but have we forgotten about Adam Vinatieri so soon?

Let us count the games that Vinatieri's foot has won for the Pats in the final five minutes: Super Bowl XXXVI, XXXVIII, XXXIX, the Snow Bowl, and that's just the postseason. I literally can't remember the last time that Vinatieri missed a last-minute field goal with the Pats losing. Even when he misses a potential game-winner in OT, the Pats always manage to rally to give him one more chance.

Big Papi, though, is equally good in the clutch. I can think of three game-winning hits from the 2004 postseason alone. True, Big Papi regularly comes to the plate with the game on the line and fails to deliver, but we don't really expect miracles every single time he plays. I mean, even the best baseball players are out six of every ten tries, and even juiced-up Barry Bonds only hits homers once every three games. Vinatieri seems to split the uprights every time the game is on the line, but we expect elite kickers to convert eight or nine of every ten tries.

I guess that the bottom line is that it's really hard to pick a clear winner when we have an apples-to-oranges comparison. Let's just agree that David Ortiz is Mr. Clutch when it comes to baseball and Adam Vinatieri, assuming his grace under pressure isn't counteracted by Peyton Manning's tendency to crack under pressure, is Mr. Clutch when it comes to football. There's room enough in this part of the country for two people to come up big when it counts.

Lux Be A Lady

Why did I decide to visit Luxembourg? There are three reasons: (1) Say I've been there, adding another country to my list (2) Another stamp in the passport, especially one that's hard to get (3) It's one of those places that I've looked at on the map for years and have always wondered what's there.

So what is there? Well, the city of Luxembourg is kind of a generic, though picturesque, European city that could be anywhere in nearby parts of France, Germany, or Switzerland. The attraction is that it's the capital of it's own country. Central Luxembourg is situated atop a hill, surrounded by centuries-old fortifications with gorges and valleys running around it. The steep drops in elevation make for a striking contrast between the highlands and the lowlands.

As for what's inside the city itself, well, it's a very pleasant place, though not particularly special. There are several small plazas, with restaurants and cafes and the occasional music festival during the warmer months. (I actually was there for the New Orleans jazz festival, which was a bit incongruous given the location. They had hung banners in the design of the Confederate flag, likely without knowing the connotation.) Predictably, it's also a small place. You can walk across the downtown area in ten minutes. Every second building in Luxembourg seems like it's a bank. In fact, they even have a banking museum.

If you want to see more of Luxembourg, check out the pictures from my trip, using the link from my June 10th post. Again, it was certainly interesting to visit, but nothing beyond the fact that it's a small, independent country really warrants a special trip.

Ben's European Adventure

Finally, I have posted some photos from my amazing adventure after my friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas. The trip saw me go from Vegas to the Hoover Dam to southern Utah and back to Vegas, then through Toronto en route to London, and from London to Luxembourg and Brussels before returning to London on my way back to Boston, via Toronto. A collection of photos is available here.
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/voyager9270/album?.dir=/4bbdre2

Vital statistics from my trip:
Departed home: 7:30 a.m. on Saturday, May 27th
Returned home: 7:30 p.m. on Sunday, June 4th
American States visited (counting layovers): Seven (NH, IL, CO, NV, AZ, UT, MA)
Countries visited: Six (U.S., Canada, U.K., Luxembourg, Belgium, France)
Different beds slept in: Five, plus one airplane seat
Time zone changes (counting layovers): Ten (Eastern to Central to Mountain to Pacific to Mountain to Pacific to Eastern to British to Central European to British to Eastern)
Flight segments: Eight (MHT-ORD-DEN-LAS, LAS-YYZ-LHR, LCY-LUX, LHR-YYZ-BOS)
Airlines used: Three or five, depending on how you count (United Express-GoJet, United, Ted, Air Canada, VLM)
Types of aircraft used: Six (Bombardier CRJ-700, Boeing 757, Airbus 320, Boeing 767, Fokker 50, Airbus 319)
Miles flown: 12,161
Passport stamps obtained: Six (Canada x2, United Kingdom x2, Luxembourg, Belgium)
Different train lines used: Six (London Undergound, Belgian Rail, Brussels Metro, Brussels tram, Eurostar, Heathrow Express)
Shows watched: Three (The Price Is Right Stage Show, We Will Rock You, Titus Andronicus)
Miles walked: No idea, but a ton
Gambling winnings: $250
Airfare to Las Vegas: $249
Hours before my new job started that I returned home: Fourteen
States that I have now visited: 30 (MA, NH, ME, RI, CT, VT, NY, NJ, DE, PA, MD, VA, WV, NC, GA, FL, OH, MI, IL, TN, LA, TX, MO, CO, AZ, UT, NV, CA, OR, WA)
Countries that I have now visited: 28 (USA, CAN, MEX, ARG, BRA, URU, GBR, ISL, ESP, FRA, BEL, NED, LUX, SUI, LIE, AUT, SVK, HUN, ITA, VAT, GER, GRE, ISR, JOR, EGY, TUR, JPN, NZL)
Passport Pages now filled: 17 1/2

Go Fauxhawk Yourself!

A big fat It's A Magical World raspberry goes out to the follicular tragedy known as the fauxhawk. It is a hairstyle that consists of using gel to force hair from the sides of your head into an elevated crest running down the middle. Unlike an actual mohawk, the sides of your head are not shaved, though they may be shorter. Hence the term faux-hawk. Pardon my bluntness, but you look RIDICULOUS! I can't understand why the rooster look is suddenly in vogue. That goes for everyone sporting a fauxhawk: English soccer star David Beckham, Survivor: Panama champion Aras Baskauskas, that wannabe Clay Aiken kid from the audition round of American Idol 5, and every second or third teenage guy in Belgium. Those who heed my warnings and get rid of their fauxhawk immediately will thank me come five years from now, because the fauxhawk is destined to join the jheri curl, the rat tail, and the mullet in the hairstyle hall of shame.

Five Experiences I'd Love To Have

For lack of a better title, here are five experiences I'd love to have. No particular timeframe is specified.

1. Attend a NASCAR race
Yep, I'll admit that I'm a closet NASCAR fan. I'd love to satisfy my inner redneck and go to a race to see what it's all about. I think Talladega would be the best track to attend, since it offers one of the best party scenes and the fastest racing (albeit with restrictor plates) and offers a chance to see the Big One -- a gigantic multi-car pile-up.

2. Go scuba diving
I'm not certified, so I guess I'd have to get trained first. But once I'm trained, I'd love to head somewhere like Roatan or Australia's Gold Coast to see the amazing underwater world.

3. Do a marathon
Notice how I didn't say run. I highly doubt my ability to run 26 miles straight, at least without boatloads of training that I'm not willing to undergo. But I can walk all day long, and if I average 20 minutes per mile (which is what I do while walking around Cambridge), I can finish in a day's time. Backup plan is to strap on the rollerblades.

4. Hike Kilimanjaro
My friend Gabe hiked Africa's highest peak two years back and has regaled me with stories. I've always enjoyed hiking but have never done anything more intense than a day-long trek up one of the White Mountains. I'd enjoy a major ordeal.

5. Skydiving
I finally remembered my fifth activity. Why would I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 10,000 feet? Well, the view and the sensation is a once in a lifetime experience. And it's safe. Relatively.

F the FCC!

Today, the House passed a bill that would increase the fines for indecency in television and radio broadcasts tenfold above the current maximum of $32,500 per station per violation. Yours truly would like to state, for the record, his passionate objection to such a measure.

You see, we don't need the government deciding what we (or our children) should be able to watch on television. The reason is because the means already exist for people, specifically parents, to make those decisions for themselves. Remember the whole v-chip brouhaha about ten years ago? Well, the politicans seem to have forgotten. Every TV show these days, save for news and sports, contains a rating that suggests how old children must be for the program to be considered appropriate, and what elements make up that rating. Therefore, if parents believe that their 13-year-old is particularly mature, or if they don't care about their children watching violence but they do object to sex, the parents can consciously disregard the recommendations in favor of their own determinations.

Even the most absentee parents can monitor their children's TV viewing by programming their v-chip to block certain (types of) programs. (I make the major assumption that parents can actually figure out how to program it. On my TV, I have no idea what the security code I need to change the setting is, and the user manual is long since thrown away.) Parents have to know that an episode of NYPD Blue is likely to include gratuitous shots of Dennis Franz's ass, or that certain episodes of Seinfeld will leave children wondering how that can be masters of their domain. And South Park? Forget about it. But even if the parents are totally clueless when it comes to pop culture, they can merely rely on the ratings for a rather accurate measure of a program's content.

I also don't believe we should treat good faith mistakes that result from live television broadcasts as the end of the world. Children saw Janet Jackson's obscured breast for half a second. Oooh. What a tragedy. Let me tell you something about breasts: Fifty percent of the population either has breasts or will have breasts someday. Ninety percent of the remainder has or will have seen or touched breasts of their romantic partner some day. And the last ten percent are gay men who don't really care. The irony is that all the uproar over Nipplegate has focused so much attention to the matter, sending middle schoolers to the internet in an attempt to find pictures of the fleeting wardrobe malfunction that I wouldn't have even noticed at the time had it not been for TiVo. (I would love to see what would happen if these uptight religious types were to take their coddled, overly sheltered children to a beach in Europe, where topless bathing is de rigeur.)

While I don't necessarily object to government banning undeniably obscene material (assuming clear standards), I believe that if material is in any way borderline, the government should not attempt to regulate it. Parents have the means and the information to make those decisions themselves. The government should let them make those decisions rather than imposing its will on a very large and ideologically diverse population.

If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium

When I told my former roommate Jeff that I would spending part of last week's European vacation in Brussels, he beamed and explained to me that Brussels was one of his favorite places, as he spent a summer there interning at the EU headquarters. However, when I pressed him as to why he enjoyed the city so much, he really couldn't explain it.

After having been there myself, I can't quite explain it either. Perhaps it might be easier to point out what Brussels is not. It's not prim and proper like London, it's not obsessed with itself like Paris, it's not overly reserved like Switzerland, it's not gratuitously Baroque like Vienna, it's not compact like Amsterdam, it's not overwhelming like New York, it's not sprawling like Tokyo, it's not steeped in history like Rome, and it's not out of control like Cairo. There is no one attraction that defines Brussels. In fact, I didn't know a damn thing about what's there, short of a couple random Arte Nouveau buildings, until I showed up.

So what is Brussels? It's actually a wonderful place to walk around and explore. There is a Lower Town area with cobblestone streets and buildings and squares dating from the 16th and 17th centuries. There is a palace area with a park and the royal residence and other government buildings. There are shopping districts akin to the Champs-Elysees or Newbury Street. There's the newly-constructed EU headquarters. There are many surprisingly multi-cultural outlying neighborhoods. The people are friendly and seem to take much pride in their city.

It seems like the best way to enjoy Brussels is to linger. The attraction appears to be subtle and requires time to sink in. Jeff had an entire summer, I had 24 hours. I hope to return.

God Save Queen

One of the primary reasons behind my trip to London was to see We Will Rock You, the musical based on the songs of Queen, at the Dominion Theatre. I've recently become a rather huge Queen fan, but I'm about fifteen years late to see the late Freddie Mercury perform. Hoping to catch the next best thing, I saw the Queen + Paul Rodgers concert back in March, which was disappointing, so I decided the musical was my best shot.

Two complaints up front: The choreography was sloppy at times and the self-referential nature of the musical, while deliberately tongue-in-cheek, did get silly at times. Everything else about it was amazing! The plot, in a nutshell (not that it matters): 300 years in the future, a global conglomerate run by a woman known as the Killer Queen has taken over the music industry and has brainwashed the population into listening to and enjoying its overcommercialized prefabricated mass-market music. A group of holdouts, called the Bohemians, discover their prophesized leader in a man named Galileo Figaro, who, with a love interest named Scaramouche, leads the fight to reclaim rock and roll.

The most wonderful thing about the musical is that it reclaims the bombastic and unashamed performance style that was the hallmark of Queen back in the day. While there never can be another Freddie Mercury (certain songs had to be rearranged to fit the vocal range of real people), the actors appropriately paid tribute to the musical legend while simultaneously imparting their own interpretation of the songs. It was especially refreshing to hear renditions by female vocalists (the reprise to "I Want To Break Free" was a most pleasant surprise). The momentum just continued to build as the show went on, culminating in an absolutely thrilling final three numbers. The last final song (you know what I mean if you've seen the show) just captures the essence of Queen in five minutes that you never want to end.

The centerpiece of the set is eight video-screens, each almost eight feet square, that can move in three dimensions. While it initially appears that the set is minimalist beyond these screens and a few moving platforms and trapdoors, many surprises literally emerge from the stage starting near the conclusion of the first act. All in all, it was rather well-conceived and well-delivered from an artistic standpoint.

It was such an adrenaline rush to see the songs of Queen performed in an energized, concert-like setting. Knowing that Freddie Mercury is long gone, I am confident I have seen the next best thing. In fact, I would have purchased another ticket right then and there for every show during the subsequent week, since I could sit through that musical again and again without it getting old. Alas, other obligations prevailed at the time, but a return trip to London, in the not-too-distant-future, might ensue, simply to watch the show another time.

Home, Home Again

I like to be here when I can. Well, it's been a crazy nine days, but I'm back home after my globe-trotting adventure. I have many experiences to share with you all over the next week, including some photos that I will upload and post, but we'll start with a softball. I've updated my list of passport stamps, which you can see in my 5/19 post, or you can use this link. The new additions include two Canadian entry stamps from my transits through the Toronto Airport, my first Schengen train station stamp (I have airports and land borders, and now all I need is a seaport), and the elusive Luxembourg stamp, which you can only get at one airport, and then, only if you fly in from the UK, the Czech Republic, or Switzerland.