Playing The Spread, Week 17

It seems like just yesterday that I was predicting the Cowboys and Broncos to meet in Super Bowl XLI. While neither of those teams are dominating the field in quite the way I would have hoped, they remain very much alive as we enter the postseason.

But before we get to the postseason, we must surmount the hurdle that is the awkward Week 17. Only about a third of the teams in the NFL generally have something to play for in Week 17, although this year, with so many 7-8 teams still technically alive in the mediocre NFC, postseason berths may still be on the table. As for the rest, either their playoff seeds are locked up (Bears, Saints), or it's not worth the effort and the injury risk for a marginal improvement in seeding (Patriots), or the team has already been eliminated from playoff contention (Bills, Vikings), or the team was eliminated from playoff contention as soon as it set foot on the field in Week 1 (Lions).

In this respect, Week 17 is essentially the regular-season redux of Week 4 of the preseason. For every game that features a compelling matchup with a team fighting for its postseason life, you have at least one and often two games with novelty plays like the Doug Flutie dropkick or the debut of Cleo Lemon (yes, that's the name of the Dolphins' quarterback, not a fancy new perfume or a chick punk rock band). Kind of makes you think twice about purchasing a full price ticket at the start of the season.

As always, the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-9
Season to date: 117-116-7
Best bets: 7-9
Eliminator: 13-3 (Streak: L 1)

Giants (-2.5) over Redskins
The only way the Giants could choke any worse is if they had A-Rod on the team. WIN

Titans (-3) over Patriots
You have more of a chance of spotting Whitey Bulger than you do of seeing Tom Brady in this game. Hmm, so maybe that means Vinny Testaverde might be...? Nah. Nobody ever accused Vinny of having a killer instinct. LOSS

Chiefs (-2.5) over Jaguars
If it's any consolation to the folks in Jacksonville, you wouldn't have made the playoffs with a healthy Byron Leftwich either. WIN

Rams (-2.5) over Vikings
I love these improbable Week 17 playoff scenarios. The Rams can actually still make the playoffs if they win, three other teams lose, Mars and Jupiter align, Howard Cosell rises from the dead, and Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump share a passionate embrace of reconciliation on The View. WIN

Panthers (-3) over Saints
Last week proved that it is possible to win a game with Chris Weinke as your quarterback if you let him throw seven times or less. WIN

Jets (-12.5) over Raiders
Sometime within the next three weeks, I expect to get a call from Al Davis offering me a job as head coach of the Raiders, seeing how nobody else will want it. I'll probably turn him down. WIN

Bengals (-6) over Steelers
With a chance to put his team into the playoffs with a game-tying extra point, the Bengals' long snapper suddenly realized that he did in fact play for the Bengals and therefore had to take it upon himself to somehow screw things up. LOSS

Cowboys (-12.5) over Lions
Dallas needs an exclamation point game or the Cowboys faithful will call for Bill Parcells to bench Tony Romo and hand the ball to Drew Bledsoe. Full circle, anyone? LOSS

Seahawks (+3.5) over Bucs
Since, 8-8 will be good enough to win the NFC Worst, fans in Kansas City are leading a last-minute petition drive to immediately switch the Chiefs into that division. WIN

Texans (-4) over Browns
After Sunday's game, the Texans would be well served to admit the obvious and finally give up on David Carr. Then again, I've been waiting years for the Lions to do the same thing with Matt Millen. WIN

Falcons (+8) over Eagles
It seems like everyone would be happy to give Jim Mora Jr. his dream job as coach of the Washington Huskies. Everyone, that is, except Ty Willingham. WIN

Cardinals (+13.5) over Chargers
Since the result of this game and his eventual termination as head coach is a foregone conclusion, Dennis Green will head straight to the parking lot instead of the locker room at halftime. WIN

Broncos (-10.5) over 49ers
If the second blizzard in a week keeps the 49ers from flying in for the game, the Broncos win by forfeit. With a playoff berth on the line, any win counts. It really doesn't matter how it happens. LOSS

Ravens (-9) over Bills
Remember back in Week 2 when I said that the Bills were the second-best team in the AFC East? Oops. WIN

Dolphins (+9) over Colts
Things were always competitive growing up in the Manning household, and it's no different now that Peyton and Eli are adults. Once Eli started sucking, Peyton had to see if he could suck more. WIN

Packers (+3) over Bears
I love Brett Favre, but I'm not going to waste my New Year's Eve watching what might or might not be his last game. I'll make a bonus bet that says he'll be back starting on Opening Day 2007. WIN

BEST BET: Chiefs (-2.5) over Jaguars WIN
ELIMINATOR: New York Jets WIN