Playing The Spread, Week 13

One of the more ironic things about football is that while it's mostly a game where big men push each other around, when it comes time to put points on the board, the duty falls to the smallest man on the field. That man, of course, is the kicker. He is usually introverted, often foreign-born, and extremely fungible.

The kicker is the easiest scapegoat a coach can have. Lose a game by two points? Well, had you made that 39-yard field goal in the first quarter, you'd have won. Heads need to roll, so instead of firing your best friend as offensive coordinator, you just cut the kicker. There's a pool of unemployed kickers-for-hire that you can use to fill a roster spot, even on a week-by-week basis if necessary.

A kicker is like a substitute teacher. You don't quite know where they come from, but they just show up one day. They aren't expected to do the job of the teacher, just hold down the fort and keep things under control until the full-time teacher comes back. They have no loyalty to any specific department -- they can start the week in social studies, move onto biology for a day, and be teaching French by the end of the week. You don't develop any strong affinity for these substitute teachers, but instead, you merely begrudingly tolerate the current guy until the real teacher returns.

Martin Gramatica, the kicker formerly known as "Automatica" (but far from it these days), is now with his third team this season, having signed with the Dallas Cowboys after they cut Mike Vanderjagt. He's had a chance to fill in for Adam Vinatieri, the guy who replaced Adam Vinatieri, and the guy who Adam Vinatieri replaced. But Gramatica will last no longer than the period of time for which no one better is available on the market. Kickers are the ultimate mercenaries, and the fact that they are more responsible for scoring offense than anyone else on the team is one of football's greatest ironies.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers, but it might be time to hop back on the bandwagon.

Last week: 10-6
Season to date: 90-79-7
Best bets: 5-7
Eliminator: 10-2 (Streak: W 2)

Ravens (+3) over Bengals
For all the money that the NFL Network has, would it kill them to buy their pregame commentators a table that four full-grown men can comfortably fit behind? And while I'm at it, would it kill Bryant Gumbel to modulate the intonation of their voices once or twice a game? LOSS

Patriots (-13.5) over Lions
You spot the best team in the NFC five turnovers, and yet you still manage to win the game. New England is considering giving Corey Dillon and Laurence Maroney the week off and just letting Tom Brady run the football himself. LOSS

Rams (-6.5) over Cardinals
Thank goodness for the NFC West. If it weren't for patsies like San Francisco and Arizona, St. Louis would be continuing its free fall toward oblivion in the month of December. LOSS

Chargers (-6) over Bills
Meanwhile, San Diego is considering giving Philip Rivers the week off and just letting LaDanian Tomlinson throw the football himself. LOSS

Saints (-7) over 49ers
Back in Week 3, when the Saints trounced the Falcons, I attributed the win to the adrenaline rush from their post-Katrina return to the Superdome. When the Saints trounced the Falcons last week, it became clear that this team is no fluke. You need look no further than Drew Brees' half-ending Hail Mary touchdown to know that the Saints are the team of destiny. WIN

Vikings (+9) over Bears
Say what you will about one of the league's most physical and opportunistic defenses, but the Chicago Bears can't get to the next level with Rex Grossman under center. Just so you know, Rex, your team will be the one wearing the black jerseys on Sunday, not the purple-and-white ones. LOSS

Chiefs (-5) over Browns
Maybe he doesn't get the same media attention as L.T. because he only has a pedestrian 13 touchdowns in 11 games (as opposed to a sick 21), but Larry Johnson may be the league's most valuable running back. LOSS

Redskins (-2) over Falcons
Michael Vick wasn't giving the middle finger to the fans after last week's loss -- he was merely doing his best impression of the Leon Washington trading card. LOSS

Jets (-1.5) over Packers
Look, I know Brett Favre might no longer be the quarterback he once was, but nobody else shows up for game after game, even when injured, and gives 100 percent every single time. Favre is Mr. Durability, especially when you consider that rivals like Donovan McNabb go down with a season-ending injury three of the last five years. He's a class act. WIN

Colts (-7.5) over Titans
Well, the secret's out. We finally know that what makes Vince Young such a good QB is his supernatural mind control abilities that can make defensive linemen who have him in their grasp inexplicably let go, allowing him to scamper for first downs. The only downside is that now Sylar is probably going to come looking for him. LOSS

Texans (+3) over Raiders
It's been a bad week for former Raiders offensive coordinator and former (now current, once again?) bed-and-breakfast owner Tom Walsh. No truth to the rumor that they're replacing Walsh with the Jewish husband and wife innkeepers from the Borat movie, though I doubt they'd do any worse. WIN

Dolphins (-1.5) over Jaguars
It's the annual We Lost To Houston Bowl (sponsored, of course, by Capital One), but one of these teams seems like they might actually be able to salvage their season from that nadir. LOSS

Cowboys (-3.5) over Giants
What's the difference between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning? At least Peyton waits for the postseason before choking. LOSS

Bucs (+7) over Steelers
This game will be boring as hell, so CBS would be better served by showing an episode of Celebrity Deathmatch featuring Ben Roethlisberger's appendix fighting against Chris Simms' spleen. LOSS

Seahawks (+3) over Broncos
So it's come to Jay Cutler. Wow. Getting benched sucks. Getting benched with a winning record sucks more. Getting benched with a winning record in favor of a rookie is even worse. But the ultimate indignity is getting benched with a winning record in favor of a rookie who went to Vanderbilt. Yikes. WIN

Panthers (-3) over Eagles
Now the quarterback who sucks is out for the year, his spot is being filled by the quarterback who's gay. I bet T.O. is so glad to be done with this team. LOSS

BEST BET: Chiefs (-5) over Browns LOSS
ELIMINATOR: New England Patriots WIN

Britney + Paris = BFF

The fact that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been repeatedly seen hanging out together is somehow important news. While I hate to dignify this "story" with any more attention than it deserves (which means any attention whatsoever), I got to thinking about why the two of them want to spend time together. Here are my top ten reasons:

10. Britney was under the mistaken impression that Paris could teach her something about class

9. Now that virtually every man in Hollywood has been used up, Paris needed to get creative to find her latest flavor of the week

8. They finally put behind themselves the feud over whether House of Wax or Crossroads was the better movie

7. They just hit it off after Sean Preston's playdate with Tinkerbell

6. After Nicole Ritchie went anorexic, Paris wanted to find a new companion for whom rapid weight loss would never be an issue

5. Britney desperately wanted another child to take care of, but didn't want to go through the hassle of being pregnant again

4. Grey Goose, meet Jack Daniels!

3. Paris has taken a year-long vow of celibacy, and by the Bill Clinton rules, anything she does with Britney wouldn't count

2. After ditching K-Fed, Britney needed to find someone with an equal lack of musical talent

1. All they need now to complete the holy trinity of celebrity sex tapes is Pamela Anderson, and she's newly single

Up Against A Wal

A few months ago, I wrote about how McDonald's has become a victim of its own success, targetted by profiteering victims of evil caloric fast food hamburgers that magically climb into people's mouths and make them fat. The equivalent in the retail sector, of course, is Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart is the proverbial 800-pound gorilla of retail stores, except that they're more like an 800-ton gorilla. Manufacturers base their production around creating cheap products to be sold through Wal-Mart. In a perverse rearrangement of the typical economic model, Wal-Mart has enough market share to go to its suppliers and demand cost cuts and/or efficiency, often through foreign outsourcing. If the suppliers refuse, Wal-Mart will play hardball by taking their orders elsewhere, which can essentially single-handedly kill a business. Just ask the good folks at Rubbermaid.

Wal-Mart has also become the bellwether for the retail sector in America. It was headline news over the weekend when Wal-Mart reported that their sales over essentially a two-day period dropped from last year. Competitors don't get the same treatment, and as such, their shareholders aren't constantly sent scurrying at the slightest drop of a pin.

But it seems that where Wal-Mart just can't win at all is in the political arena. From its early days, Wal-Mart has been under pressure with the left because of its abject hostility toward unions. Wal-Mart will shut down stores before being forced to accept unionization. Now, however, Wal-Mart is feeling pressure from the right, thanks to its downplaying of the word "Christmas" in favor of a more religiously neutral term and its membership in the national gay and lesbian chamber of commerce.

Frankly, I don't give a damn about Wal-Mart's politics. Maybe that makes me a heartless conservative or a heathen liberal. I still don't shop there, however. Even though their prices can't be beat, Wal-Mart makes for an absolutely miserable shopping experience. The aisles are too narrow, the shelves are disorganized, there are never enough cashiers, and the store is a magnet for the dregs of society. I will gladly pay a few pennies more for the bright lighting, wide aisles, and commitment to customer service that I find at Target.

Look, Wal-Mart must be doing something right. Maybe the constant media and political attention is a necessary cost of doing business for them. In my mind, though, it just goes to prove that being the biggest is always the best.

Sorting Through The B(C)S

Now, I'm not much of a college football fan, but I do follow it, particularly around this time of year when everybody has an opinion on how the extremely subjective and error-ridden process of assigning teams to major bowl games will work out. Since everyone else is an expert, I'll chime in with my two cents.

Putting together the BCS is like assembling a puzzle, since you must work within the confines of various rules:
• The champions of the six major conference qualify automatically
• The champion of a minor conference qualifies automatically if it is in the top 12 of the BCS standings
• An independent team (read Notre Dame) qualifies automatically if it is in the top eight of the BCS standings
• A major conference team that does not win its conference qualifies automatically if it is in the top four of the BCS standings, availability permitted
• Other at-large teams can qualify if they are among the top 14 of the BCS standings and have at least nine wins
• Champions of certain conferences are tied to certain bowl games, provided they don't make the national championship game (Big 10 and Pac-10 with the Rose Bowl, SEC with the Sugar Bowl, ACC with the Orange Bowl, Big XII with the Fiesta Bowl)
• The order of choosing at-large teams is as follows this year: Any bowl losing teams to the national championship, then Sugar, Orange, and Fiesta

TOSTITOS BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Ideal world: Ohio State (Big Ten) vs. Southern California (Pac-10)
Real world: Ohio State (Big Ten) vs. Southern California (Pac-10)
Ohio State is a given. Nobody would dispute that the nation's lone undefeated major conference team deserves to play for the national championship. USC is the most worthy challenger. Some would say that Michigan is the next best team in the country. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't, but the fact of the matter is that Michigan already lost to Ohio State, and unless there's a lack of other legitimate competition, the quasi-playoff nature of the college football regular season dictates that Michigan doesn't get a rematch.

ROSE BOWL GAME, PRESENTED BY CITI
Ideal world: Michigan vs. Florida
Real world: Michigan vs. LSU
The Rose Bowl should lose both its teams to the national championship, meaning they can create a handpicked showdown. Seeking to maintain at least part of the traditional rivalry, Michigan, which will qualify for the BCS anyway, is a natural fit. No Pac-10 teams are likely to qualify, so the Rose Bowl will need to look elsewhere. For some dubious reason, the number of fans and the television ratings a school brings in trumps their on-field performance, so Notre Dame is likely to earn the nod as an at-large team, even at a weak 10-2. I trust the Rose Bowl to avoid scheduling a rematch of the Michigan-Notre Dame blowout, so they'll likely turn to the second-best team of the ultra-competitive SEC. In my ideal world, it'll be Florida, but most likely, it will end up being LSU, after Arkansas suffers its third loss in the SEC Championship.

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
Ideal world: Arkansas vs. Louisville
Real world: Florida vs. Notre Dame
I'd love to see Arkansas beat out Florida for the SEC title, largely because I hate every college football team from the state of Florida. I'd also love to see Rutgers beat West Virginia on Saturday, giving them the Big East crown by virtue of a head-to-head tiebreaker against Louisville. Nonetheless, at 11-1, Louisville has earned a spot in the BCS. The ironic part is that since the Big East champ is thrown into the at-large pool rather than tied to a specific bowl, at-large Louisville would be seen as a larger draw than the State University of New Jersey. Real world, Florida crushes Arkansas to win the SEC and the Sugar Bowl drools at the fact Notre Dame is still available, despite the fact that the highly-overrated Irish would likely suffer another blowout loss.

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Ideal world: Wake Forest vs. Rutgers
Real world: Georgia Tech vs. Louisville
I'd love to see the all-Cinderella Orange Bowl between two perennial also-rans from the world of college football. For it to happen, we'd need to have upset wins in both the ACC Championship and the Big East finale. I can't see it happening. But even so, a matchup between the favorites to win those two conferences would still feature two teams not used to the spotlight.

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Ideal world: Oklahoma vs. Boise State
Real world: Oklahoma vs. Boise State
Thanks to the bone thrown by the BCS to the minor conference, Boise State will finally escape their home blue turf of the MPC Computers Bowl in order to compete in the BCS. Guaranteed a berth somewhere, but being a horrible draw, they will drop to the end of the line for selection. Their opponent is the Big XII champion, and nobody rationally expects Nebraska to pull the upset over Oklahoma. The only downside to this game is the renewal of Oklahoma's whining that had they not gotten burned by the horrible officiating in the Oregon game, they'd be in the running not for the Fiesta Bowl but for that other game to be played in Arizona a week later.

Shop 'Til You're Shot

Well, yet another Thanksgiving and Day After Thanksgiving has come and gone, and once again, I have successfully avoided purchasing a damn thing on either of those two days. Two days, you ask? Yep, retailers have started opening on Thanksgiving night in order to satisfy the uncontrollable needs of people who must spend their money on high-priced toys and consumer electronics at the first available moment.

Now, my belief that the true meaning of Christmas -- namely, the celebration of the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ -- has been distorted into a mass-market-driven retail gorge-fest is another topic for another time. But still, I fail to understand why people are so willing to jump through ridiculous hoops in order to sacrifice oodles of hard-earned cash at the altar of the corporate gods. Each year, the brainwashed masses queue up at ungodly wee hours of the morning outside of big box department stores, counting down the hours until they are permitted to shop. Of course, decorum waits for no door-buster sale, so we are treated to the usual plenitude of news stories about people being trampled or punched or shot in the mad dash for savings. I assure that each time one of those stories airs, the corporate fat cats in the boardrooms are high-fiving each other and patting themselves on the back for successfully whipping the masses into a post-Thanksgiving frenzy yet another year, thus padding their bottom line. People, think about this -- you are beating each other up for the right to give your money away.

I take no part in these traditions. Making it easy is the fact that I do not celebrate Christmas. Whenever possible, I elevate myself above the fray by avoiding the malls if at all possible between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I do reluctantly participate in the gift exchange that has been unfortunately co-opted into our holiday of Hanukkah, but see it as a necessary evil that I must begrudgingly tolerate as a cost of living in today's society. Every three or four years, our holiday falls at such a time that I can off and shop before or after the frenzy begins, and thank goodness.

People, you do realize that the mall is open the other eleven months of the year, right? There are other sales as well. Maybe not all are quite as amazing as the post-Thanksgiving doorbusters. I don't know -- I don't keep track. But what I do know is that my sanity and dignity are worth far more than a discounted plasma-screen TV. I only wish more people would feel the same way.

Playing The Spread, Week 12

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. Among the many enjoyable Thanksgiving Day traditions in which I partake is the annual NFL doubleheader of the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys. But in an attempt to enhance that tradition by ensuring a game involving a team that doesn't perenially suck, the NFL is adding a nightcap to the Thanksgiving Day lineup. What is notable about the Chiefs-Broncos game, however, is that it will the first regular-season telecast to be shown on the NFL Network. In my opinion, it strikes a dangerous precedent.

Having been a reporter myself, once upon a time, I appreciate the value of a free and independent media. When an entity has such complete control over the dissemination of the news it creates, it smacks of Pravda or Al-Jazeera. Have you ever watched the Masters telecast? Do you wonder why the commentators never bring up Martha Burk and refer to the spectators as patrons? Well, it's because Augusta National basically buys the airtime from CBS, then hires Jim Nantz and crew as its employees for the weekend, right through the awkward Sunday evening love-in with Hootie Johnson at Butler Cabin.

While the NFL is probably more media savvy than the white southern gentlemen who like to dress up in green jackets and pretend girls have cooties, not to mention the fact that Bryant Gumbel's preseason rant dispelled any preconceptions that he'd be the NFL's butt-boy, the potential for propagandistic mouthpiecing will nevertheless remain. He who controls the news creates the news. In my opinion, the NFL needs to avoid all such appearances by keeping its media coverage independent. The public deserves it.

The following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be the benefit of any actual cash wagers. Last week would have treated you quite well, though.

Last week: 10-5-1
Season to date: 80-73-7
Best bets: 4-7
Eliminator: 9-2 (Streak: W 1)

Dolphins (-3) over Lions
Detroit traditionally wears throwback uniforms on Thanksgiving Day, but this year, they're taking it one step further, suiting up Eric Kramer, who led the Lions to their last postseason victory back in 1991, as a throwback quarterback. Hey, he couldn't be any worse than the guy playing now. WIN

Cowboys (-11) over Bucs
And yet another Thanksgiving Day snoozer is on tap for the late afternoon. Halfway through this game though, I plan on doing my best Terrell Owens impression by overdosing on stuffing. WIN

Chiefs (-1) over Broncos
I can tell you two things about the AFC West: San Diego is the team to beat for the divisional crown, and both wild cards will likely come from this division. WIN

Ravens (-3) over Steelers
This Thanksgiving, Brian Billick is thankful for best friends like Jim Fassel, who you can callously jettison from your coaching staff whenever your team needs a boost. WIN

Browns (+3) over Bengals
Cleveland was one stupid personal foul and a botched catch of a gift Hail Mary tip from completing their second upset in two weeks. Here's thinking they won't make the same mistake twice. Then again, they are the Browns. LOSS

49ers (+5.5) over Rams
After a year and a half, Mike Nolan finally convinced the NFL to let him look like a complete dork by wearing a suit on the sidelines. WIN

Vikings (-6) over Cardinals
Minnesota fans will be thrilled to see their former coach back in the Metrodome, not because they appreciated his leadership of the Vikings but because he's leading the 2-8 Cardinals in for an easy Vikings win. LOSS

Jets (-6) over Texans
The Houston Texans are not playing Jacksonville this week. Therefore, they will lose. It's that simple. WIN

Saints (+3) over Falcons
I've given Michael Vick and the Falcons the benefit of the doubt three too many times this season: 30-14 against Detroit, 17-13 against Cleveland, and 24-10 against Baltimore. My patience has expired. WIN

Panthers (-4) over Redskins
Jason Campbell will be just as good without Clinton Portis as, well, Mark Brunell was without Clinton Portis. LOSS

Bills (+3) over Jaguars
Lee Evans may have been the first player to score two touchdowns the exact length of his uniform number in one quarter since Warren Moon rushed for two goal-line quarterback sneaks. WIN

Chargers (-13) over Raiders
If Randy Moss needs something to cheer him up in order to play better, might I suggest he take a quick peek at his paycheck? LOSS

Giants (-3) over Titans
Two weeks ago, Eli Manning and the Giants were contending with Chicago for the title of best team in the NFC. Now, they're favored by a mere field goal over the measly Titans. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Then again, he is a Manning. LOSS

Bears (+3) over Patriots
Tom Brady has lost three games at home this year. It must be the field. That's why the Pats tore it up and installed an artificial surface, on the likes of which Brady has only lost one game his entire career. LOSS

Colts (-9) over Eagles
Terrell Owens might disagree, but the Eagles need Donovan McNabb if they want a shot at the playoffs. WIN

Seahawks (-9.5) over Packers
Remember when Lambeau Field had the best home-field advantage in the NFL? This season, it's seen the Pack on the wrong end of two shutouts. Guess the tundra hasn't frozen over quite yet. WIN

BEST BET: Ravens (-3) over Steelers WIN
ELIMINATOR: Seattle Seahawks WIN

Smart Money

Yesterday, the United States Mint announced plans for the issue of a new dollar coin. The head of the coin will feature a series of U.S. presidents -- four each year -- while the tails side will display the Statue of Liberty. The coin will have the same dimensions as the Sacagawea dollar, which will, quite puzzlingly, continue to be minted, and it will have the same metallic signature as the Susan B. Anthony dollar, meaning that all three types of dollar coins will be interchangeable for the purposes of vending machines. In a welcome break from tradition, the value of the coin will appear as "$1," rather than being written in text, allowing non-English speaking visitors (and, um, "residents") to immediately comprehend the value, rather than being forced to decipher a language they don't understand and then wonder how many cents "One Dime" is worth. Most of the statutorily-prescribed language ("E Pluribus Unum," the date, the mint mark) will be transferred to the edge of the coin while the Statute of Liberty serves as an appropriate allegory for the word "Liberty."

The Mint believes that it has addressed the problems that made the public reluctant to accept the previous dollar coins. Between the comprehensive marketing campaign they plan to unveil and the collectible nature of 37-plus issues of coins, the Mint expects the circulation of the coins to dwarf its predecessors. But there's really only one good way to ensure the coins' success: discontinue the dollar bill. Yeah, the greenback is a great American tradition, but it's a horribly inefficient one. Do away with the dollar bill and you can do away with those annoying bill readers on vending machines that require a pristine bill to be inserted just so. Many vending machines and virtually all transit systems with fareboxes cost more than a dollar. Have you even been behind someone waiting to get on a bus while they struggle to get their dollar bill accepted in the reader? Coins can be counted by machine whereas bills need to be straightened out, sorted, and collated largely by hand. Coins also last for a much longer time than small-denomination bills that get passed around frequently, making them a better value for the government to produce. And like the state quarters, which are fun to collect (or at least check to see which ones you got as change -- it never gets old!), 37 different types of coin are much more fun than just one.

Of the 29 countries I've visited, only three of them, besides the U.S., still print bills for their unit currency: Turkey, Uruguay, and Jordan. Even the economic backwater of Egypt has gotten with the program and has discontinued its one-pound bill for a coin. Some countries use coins for their two-unit currency (e.g. Canada, UK, Euro Zone) while a few even insist on coins for their five-unit currency (e.g. Switzerland, Japan). It makes so much more sense from an economic and efficiency standpoint.

Here's my modest proposal: Scrap the greenback in favor of coins, but reinstate the two-dollar bill (which technically never went away), so that you don't get stuck with seven monstrous coins when your $4.99 sandwich gets rung up as $5.24 with tax. It's time to get over our typical American obstinancy and do something that makes obvious sense. Now, about that pesky penny....

Till Xenu Do Us Part

As far as cringeworthy "news" stories go, the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding is second only to anything involving Paris Hilton. I can't believe I'm wasting space dignifying the voracious media attention given to such fame whores, but I have exclusive details on the vows exchanged during the Scientology wedding ceremony that, as a public service, I feel compelled to pass along:

"I, Tom Cruise, take this woman and her 2,255 body thetans, to be my non-legally-recognized wedded wife, to have and to hold, to audit and to bridge, in sickness and in health (but not in psychiatric sickness because no such thing exists), in high e-levels and in low, from Clear to OT IX, till the escape of Space Lord Xenu from his prison deep inside the planet Teegeeack do us part.

"These vows I make, subject to penalty of vigorous litigation or overbearing intimidation tactics, in the name of our Lord, L. Ron Hubbard, and his servant, John Travolta."

Behind The Veil

Supposedly enlightened countries in Europe -- such as France, Great Britain, Germany, and the Netherlands -- either already have or are in the process of passing legislation restricting the ability of Muslim women to wear head scarves or full facial veils. Yet here in the United States, a country thought boorish by the European moral elite (effete?), Muslim women can go about their daily lives in full Islamic garb, unencumbered by any legal restrictions, and in certain places (such as Cambridge) without any social stigma.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out a legitimate reason why Muslim women should not be permitted to wear this attire. (If anyone else can, I implore you to post a comment.) Perhaps there is a security reason why a full facial veil should be disallowed, but the way we treat freedom of religion in this country, the only way this restriction would trump the freedom of religion is where a substantial government interest exists. Under this qualification, as I understand the current state of the law, the government can force women to uncover their faces should they wish to obtain official identification like a driver's license, but in their day-to-day activities, the government cannot make such an imposition.

In Germany, however, Muslim teachers are forbidden from wearing their headscarves in the classroom, while in France, female students must leave their heads uncovered. I have racked my brain and cannot come up with a rationale for this restriction beyond sheer, unadulterated prejudice. Somehow, the headscarf itself is threatening enough to the majority to the point where it must be banned. Yet here in the USA, the moral luddite of the developed world (if certain peace-mongering European liberals are to be believed), we don't let such possibly-irrational fears overcome the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of religion. We respect, or at the very least, tolerate, such open cultural oppression, and you know what, Europe doesn't. Who are the racists now?

Playing The Spread, Week 11

For all the money it involves, the NFL is understandably protective of its television rights and policies. However, in an effort to protect the franchise, some its TV policies are downright farcical.

Briefly, on Sunday afternoons, the two broadcasting networks (CBS and Fox) alternate in carrying doubleheaders, meaning that each weekend, both networks carry 1 p.m. games while one of the two gets a 4:15 p.m. game in addition. The 4:15 p.m. game is considered an exclusive telecast, meaning that unless the other network is still showing the conclusion of the primary game for a given market, any "bonus coverage" must immediately cease. So, you have a very fan-unfriendly policy of having to switch away from a live telecast of the final minutes of a competitive contest. But the network can show the studio show, and they can show footage of the game as long as it's not in real time, so you end up with James Brown and company sitting around a table, watching television, gesticulating at a screen you can't see, then describing the play that just occurred, then finally showing footage of the play.

Now, I understand that the NFL wants to protect its franchise, but I just don't quite see what the benefit is. Yeah, maybe Fox would lose out on some viewers for the first 15 minutes of its game if everyone is still watching CBS, but it's not like anyone would suddenly decide, "You know, I'm not going to watch the Fox game after all, since I'd rather just stick with CBS and watch reruns of NCIS." Also, anyone who wants to see the conclusion of the game would stick with CBS anyway, accepting a facsimile of the real thing rather than a completely different game altogether.

All I'm saying is that the NFL should just bite the bullet, accept that ratings for the first 15 minutes of a late afternoon broadcast will be a bit lower as people switch over from the prior game, and let the fine people of America see the exciting finish to an amazing product. Really, without the fans, there could be no NFL.

The following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not the basis of actual cash wagers. But if you're inclined to disobey my advice, I assure you that your profitability is about to turn around.

Last week: 6-10
Season to date: 70-68-6
Best bets: 3-7
Eliminator: 8-2 (Streak: L 1)

Patriots (-5.5) over Packers
The Pats, most uncharacteristically, laid eggs two weeks in a row. Here's betting that they won't make it three. WIN

Panthers (-7) over Rams
Carolina finally figured out how to close out a game. St. Louis seems to have forgotten. WIN

Falcons (+4) over Ravens
Atlanta is coming off losses to the pathetic Lions and the less pathetic but still not exactly great Cleveland Browns. By that logic, they should trounce a quality opponent. LOSS

Raiders (+9.5) over Chiefs
Trent Green is finally healthy and can reassume the starting position that Damon Huard has kept warm for him. But with a highly-competent backup waiting in the wings, don't think Green won't be on a very short leash. WIN

Bills (+2.5) over Texans
Former Bill O.J. Simpson has taken a break from his search for the real killer to write a book confessing, I mean, speculating on how he would have committed the murders of his ex-wife and her boyfriend, you know, had he actually done it (wink, wink). Hasn't that man caused those families enough grief? WIN

Dolphins (-3.5) over Vikings
When making this picks, I know I like to go with a hot team and go against a very cold team. Therefore, picking this game should be a cinch. And watch me be completely wrong. WIN

Saints (-3.5) over Bengals
Last week, Cinci had a 21-point lead at halftime, yet still managed to blow the game. It's good to have the old Bengals back. LOSS

Bears (-7) over Jets
Chicago is probably the most opportunistic team in the NFL right now, having feasted on a steady diet of defensive and special teams TD's en route to an 8-1 record. Last week's 108-yard field goal attempt return ranks right up there with, well, last year's 108-yard field goal attempt return. WIN

Titans (+13) over Eagles
Maybe I'm deluded, but all season I've tended to give Tennessee more credit than their record would indicate. Some weeks it's panned out, other weeks it hasn't, but I'm inclined to demonstrate strength and stay the course. WIN

Steelers (-3.5) over Browns
Yes, there is another football game taking place in Ohio this weekend. WIN

Redskins (+3) over Bucs
I hate to say this Joe Gibbs, but I think the NFL has indeed left you behind. TIE

Cardinals (-2) over Raiders
If they made a Jim Carrey movie about this game, it would be called Worse and Worserer. I pity the folks who get this game in their home territory with everything else blacked out. WIN

Seahawks (-4.5) over 49ers
Congrats Seattle, you managed to weather the storm caused by the absence of your two biggest offensive guns. Everything from here on out should be downhill. LOSS

Cowboys (+1) over Colts
I am predicting (more accurately, hoping and praying) that Sunday afternoon sees Peyton Manning suffer his first loss the season. Please, please, please, please, please let it happen. Hearing about him all the time makes me sick. WIN (thank goodness!)

Broncos (-2.5) over Chargers
Three words can explain why the Chargers will make the playoffs this year: La. Danian. Tomlinson. LOSE

Giants (+3.5) over Jaguars
I don't get how the Giants, the second best team in the NFC, can be a field goal underdog against a team that lost to Houston -- twice. Figuring that their nemesis, the Texans, must have been doing something right, the Jags arranged to have their players tasered during practice this week. LOSS

BEST BET: Dolphins (-3.5) over Vikings WIN
ELIMINATOR: Kansas City Chiefs WIN

Note: In order to accomodate the Thanksgiving Day slate of games, next week's edition of Playing The Spread will publish on Wednesday.

City-County Trivia

For each county, name the major American city which is located within it.

Alameda
Allegheny
Bernalillo
Bexar
Broward
Clark
Cook
Cuyahoga
Dade
Davidson
Duval
Erie
Fulton
Hamilton
Harris
Hennepin
Jefferson
King
Maricopa
Marion
Mecklenburg
Multnomah
Pinellas
Polk
Santa Clara
Shelby
Suffolk
Tarrant
Washoe
Wayne

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Clay Aiken: Artistic Masterpiece

Clay Aiken's first album was called Measure of a Man. The title inspired this picture as potential cover art. Thankfully, it was rejected.

WARNING: Looking at the following picture may cause your retinas to burn and permanent scars to develop.

Say You Want A Revolution

Since the team's inception in 1995, I've considered myself a fan of the New England Revolution. I can't say I attend many games or even watch them on TV, but I keep track of how the team is doing, who the players are, etc. As a result, I've been there each time the Revolution have made the playoffs, particularly the MLS Cup.

The 2002 MLS Cup was a disheartening experience. The game was played in Foxboro and I watched in person as the Revs were knocked off by a Carlos Ruiz goal 21 minutes into sudden-death overtime. In 2005, I watched on TV as the Revs failed to score during all of regulation and overtime, eventually falling to the Galaxy yet again by that same 1-0 score.

This time around, the opponent was the Houston Dynamo. The result was supposed to be different with dynamic forwards Taylor Twellman and Clint Dempsey leading a scoring charge while rock-solid midfielder Shalrie Joseph held down the center of the field and goalkeeper Matt Reis continued his en fuego postseason play. But during regulation, it was same-story-different-year, with the teams battling to a largely soporific 0-0 tie. Then, finally, the Revs broke through when Twellman scored New England's first MLS Cup goal in 300-plus minutes of playing time with seven minutes left in overtime. Finally the tides had turned and the Kraft family would be raising yet another banner in Gillette Stadium.

But the catch was that overtime was not sudden-death. The teams had to keep playing, and the Revs committed one of the cardinal sins of soccer, giving up an equalizer off Brian Ching's head a mere 71 seconds after taking the lead. Like this year's World Cup final (but without the head-butt) the match was destined for penalty kicks. The Revs went down 3-2 in the shootout when Pat Noonan pulled a Roberto Baggio and sent his shot high. But Reis came up with a save of Brad Davis' shot to even up the tally. With the Dynamo up 4-3, Jay Heaps had the chance to send the penalties into sudden death. He choked -- big time -- gently tapping a weak roller to the left side of the net that Pat Onstad easily scooped. It looked like Heaps almost didn't want to score. Game, set, match, championship -- Dynamo win, Revs lose.

With three Cup losses in a five-year span, the Revs are now the Buffalo Bills of the MLS. Well, at least until next year when they will win it all. Don't believe me? Just wait.

P.S. As you may have noticed, It's A Magical World has made some minor adjustments to its format. Most notable is that postings are now labeled by category and can be sorted by category or date, using the listings in the left-hand margin of the page.

Uncultured Learnings

For those of you who find South Park and Family Guy too politically correct, I heartily recommend you head out and watch Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Sacha Baron Cohen displays his amazing talent and devotion to his character while playing the part of Borat Sagdiyev, a misogynistic, anti-Semitic, and horribly aloof reporter from Kazakhstan. However, the real stars of the movie might be Cohen's marks, many of whom were unwitting participants in the running joke and were all too eager to display their racist propensities in front of the camera.

Now, I'm not very easily repulsed, but there were scenes in Borat where I was clutching my armrests and cringing, simultaneously trying to watch and not watch what was happening on the screen. The Jew jokes didn't bug me, nor did the frequent toilet humor. But the occasional gratuitous nudity did (and if you've seen the movie, you know the exact scene I'm talking about). I think, however, what bugged me the most was seeing so many presumably innocent people taken advantage of by this trickster. Cohen has gone to great lengths for our entertainment, and may the L-rd have mercy on his soul. He really needs it.

Anyhow, those of you who enjoy lowbrow humor (it's okay, so do I) should check out Borat. Just keep in mind that if you're female, Jewish, gay, feminist, Southern, liberal, straight, Christian, conservative, vegetarian, black, male, Muslim, Gypsy, retarded, or Uzbeki, you will be seriously offended at some point. Enjoy!

Playing The Spread, Week 10

There is an unwritten rule in the NFL which states that if your starting quarterback goes down with an injury, he is entitled to return to the starting role once he is healthy again. But like all rules, there are exceptions. In Jacksonville, Jack Del Rio has repeatedly proclaimed that once Byron Leftwich can play again, David Garrard will have to give up the reins. But given what Garrard has managed to do for the team thusfar, Del Rio's choice might not be so obvious. Herm Edwards has been far less vehement in pledging to return Trent Green to the offense once his injuries are gone, seeing as how there have been murmurs of "Damon Huard" and "Pro Bowl" in the same sentence. Keep in mind that Green was the Rams' QB that was knocked out with an injury to allow Kurt Warner to come from nowhere and earn the MVP award.

So, I would like to provide a modification to the rule. I call it The Tom Brady Rule, after Brady's magnificent season-altering performance in relief of Drew Bledsoe in 2001. If the starting quarterback is out less than six weeks, the offense is his once he returns to full strength, no questions asked. However, if he is out for more than six weeks, and the backup compiles a record in which he wins at least twice as many games as he loses, all bets are off. The coach is justified in leaving the backup in charge, and the starter must give his full effort to a supporting role, subject to the understanding that the team's front office will pursue a trade for the starter at the end of the season, allowing him to take the reins of the offense somewhere else.

The justification is simple: No one player is bigger than the team. While coaches strive to do the right thing in personnel management decisions, the ultimate goal is to win the Super Bowl. You get the same ring whether you're playing or sitting on the bench. But the team owes it to their leader to let him ply his trade elsewhere. Nobody deserves to be punished for bad luck for more than a season.

The following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not the basis for any actual cash wagers. I really hope you took my advice last week.

Last week: An abysmal 3-11
Season to date: 64-58-6
Best bets: An even more abysmal 2-7
Eliminator: 8-1 (Streak: W 2)

Jets (+10.5) over Patriots
The bad news is that the Pats lost Rodney Harrison indefinitely. The worse news is that the team's performance against the Colts last week was uninspiring, at best. The good news is that the opponent this week is the Jets. WIN

Falcons (-8) over Browns
The Detroit Lions, of all teams, managed to solve Michael Vick last week. Somehow, I doubt the Browns can do the same. LOSS

Eagles (-7) over Redskins
Reality shows like The Surreal Life and Dancing With The Stars have been havens for washed-up athletes. When he retires, Donovan McNabb has his eyes set on Project Runway. WIN

Chargers (-1) over Bengals
Memo to the folks in the NFL office who make these decisions: Bring back the Chargers' powder-blue uniforms as their primary, full-time design. The Jets and Giants look great now that they permanently reverted to their retro unis. The Chargers will look even better. WIN

49ers (+6) over Lions
Yeah, I know they shocked the Falcons last week, but the Lions, favored by six?! I can't go with that line, even if they are playing the Santa Clara 49ers. WIN

Ravens (-7) over Titans
Steve McNair has the chance to exact revenge on his old team for locking him out of their practice facility. I guess they really appreciated the Super Bowl he led them to. LOSS

Colts (-12) over Bills
Well, I'll give credit where credit is due. After seeing the Colts play in person, I will say that Peyton Manning has incredible poise in the pocket, Marvin Harrison has an amazing ability to catch those impossible-to-grab balls, and Indy's o-line is as strong as any in the league. LOSS

Jaguars (-10.5) over Texans
The Jags have a chance to avenge a humiliating loss they suffered against Houston last month. We finally get a definitive answer to the question whether a healthy David Garrard is preferable to an injured Byron Leftwich. LOSS

Dolphins (+1) over Chiefs
Finally, the Dolphins have shown some semblance of being the Super Bowl contender everyone thought they'd be at the start of the season. We might have a race in the AFC East after all. WIN

Vikings (-5.5) over Packers
A field goal is all the Vikings scored against the 49ers, but the Vikings always play the Pack tough in the Metrodome. LOSS

Broncos (-9) over Raiders
Tyler Brayton of the Raiders was ejected last week for doing his best Wayne Rooney impression. The Raiders have now failed to score a touchdown in four of their eight games. LOSS

Cowboys (-7) over Cardinals
In honor of T.O., next time I answer a question correctly in one of my law school classes, I plan on shutting my laptop, placing it on the floor, lying down, and pretending to take a nap. We'll see if my professor throws the flag for a 15-year unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. WIN

Saints (+4.5) over Steelers
Reggie Bush shouldn't be too concerned about last week's negative-yardage rushing performance. It even happened to Barry Sanders once in a while. However, a strong game this week would go a long way toward silencing the critics. LOSS

Seahawks (-3.5) over Rams
The way this team can hold steady without Shawn Alexander or Matt Hasselbeck means that they will be a force to be reckoned with once they both return. It could be as early as this week. LOSS

Giants (E) over Bears
One loss to the Dolphins and the Bears are not even considered the best team in their conference anymore. Some NBC promos, however, still refer to them as "the undefeated Bears," so maybe they all just agreed that last week never happened. LOSS

Bucs (+9.5) over Panthers
He had a great couple of weeks when he first came off the bench, but it looks like the magic has just about run out for Bruce Gradkowski. LOSS

BEST BET: Chargers (-1) over Bengals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Atlanta Falcons LOSS

Baseball Stadium Trivia

Name the major league baseball stadium (past or present) where the following features can be found.

Ashburn Alley
Bernie's Dugout
Bud Light Bleachers
California Spectacular
Eutaw Street
Green Monster
Hefty Bag
Jury Box
Magic Top Hat
McCovey Cove
Monument Park
Mount Davis
The Park At The Park
Stargell's Star
Tal's Hill
Teal Tower

Click on "Comments" for the answers!

Could Have Seen This One Coming

According to media reports, Britney Spears has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline. If you had two years, one month, and 20 days in your pool, you win.

Top Five Reasons To Watch An NFL Game Live

My mother and I had the pleasure of attending last night's Patriots-Colts game at Gillette Stadium (Thanks, Sam!) While the result was not what I had hoped it would be, the experience was amazing. I usually swear by watching the game on TV, because of the parking hassles and the crowds and the general discomfort of the stadium, particularly on a cold night. However, I discovered that there are incredible benefits to watching the game in person.

1. Viewing perspective
When you watch the game from the stadium, you are not bound by the confines of what a camera and a 27-inch screen can show you. Being able to watch the whole field at once, you gain a new appreciation for the downfield march of the ball and the swarm of humanity that takes place on special teams plays.

2. Camaraderie
On my list of greatest sports viewing experiences, notice that all of them involve watching the game in public amongst many other fans. That similarity is no accident. When you're surrounded by 68,000 other people, most of whom are similarly rooting for the Pats, the communal aspect is unique.

3. Your favorite players are live and in the flesh
This aspect did not even occur to me until today. The likes of Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, and Bill Belichick are like deities to me. By contrast, Peyton Manning is the devil incarnate. Seeing all of them in the flesh is akin to a religious communion.

4. The setting is gorgeous
Gillette Stadium is truly a beautiful work of modern architecture and an incredible feat of engineering. It boggles the mind to consider how the architects managed to squeeze 68,000 people around a 55 x 120 yard field with unblemished sightlines from every seat, club seats and luxury suites with their own private concourses, and a beautiful aesthetic scheme running throughout the stadium. I love my own living room but it is hardly a cathedral of sport compared to Gillette and many of its NFL stadium brethren.

5. Tailgating
With our portable propane grill and burgers and dogs, we were amateurs compared to some of the other tailgaters in the parking lot. Some of the pros bring full-size smokers and set up tents with televisions and armchairs inside while cooking steak or chili or gourmet five-course dinners. While my mother and I have a ways to go before we graduate to that level, hanging out in a parking lot abounding with beer and alcohol was a great way to prepare for the game.

Top Five Complaints About The MBTA Electronic Fare System

Those of you who have been on the T lately know that it is in the process of switching from a token-based fare system with manned booths to an electronic fare system with computerized vending machines that print paper tickets with a magnetic strip (called Charlie Tickets, after the Kingston Trio song "Charlie on the MTA"). Well, yours truly believes that the system is ill-designed, particularly when you compare it with other electronic fare systems in New York, London, Washington DC, and the San Francisco Bay Area. Leaving aside the obvious complaint about the incomplete rollout, during which time certain stations only accept Charlie Tickets while others only accept tokens, here are my top five complaints about the new system.

1. Difficulties checking value remaining on tickets
When you purchase a Charlie Ticket, it comes printed with the initial value stored on that card. However, in the MBTA's infinite wisdom, that printed value does not update as you use the card (a la DC), nor is there a card reader in the station where you can quickly swipe your card and see its value (a la NYC). The only two ways to check the value are to put your ticket into a vending machine (waiting in line and navigating the clumsy interface - see below), or insert it into a fare gate to board the subway (and risk pissing off the people behind you when you have to back out and put more money on the card).

2. Fare gates do not retain empty cards
If you put a single $1.25 fare on the card and insert it into the fare gate, you don't expect to get it back. After all, you never got tokens back. But lo and behold, the fare gates spit back your worthless piece of paper. I guess the MBTA expects you to hold onto it and fill it up again, but why bother, since you can get a new one for free? You might want to recycle it, but since no recycling bins are installed after the fare gates, you just throw them onto the ground.

3. Cumbersome process to insert tickets
If you're a Type-A subway passenger (like myself, at times), you want to insert your ticket in the front slot, grab it from the top slot, and walk through the fare gate, all without breaking stride. The way it works now, it takes a split second to read the ticket and spit it out, and then another split second to open up the gate. The pauses aren't particularly long, but they are just long enough to make you hesitate before being allowed through. On the handicapped gates, the ticket is spit out of the same slot where you inserted it, requiring you to stand in place for that split-second rather than stepping forward to retrieve the ticket. And on your way, once you trip the electronic eye, there is another hesitation before the gates actually open. Again, it's not substantial, but it forces you to break stride, which is incredibly frustrating.

4. Vending machines are not user friendly
When you use the Metrocard machines in New York, the first thing the computer screen asks you is whether you want a single-ride ticket, a multiple-ride stored-value card, or a long-term pass. When you use the Charlie Ticket machines in Boston, the first thing it asks you is whether you want a Quick Ticket for $5 or some other amount. If you press some other amount, the choices you are given are, in order, $5, $1.25, $2.50, and so on. Nowhere does the computer actually tell you how much a ride costs -- you are left to deduce, or read the large stickers on some machines that say how much money a certain number of rides will cost (because such calculations are much to difficult for a computer to handle). And if you're paying with a $20, you're stuck with either a Charlie Ticket that will take you forever to use up or a pocketful of dollar coins (as Marge Simpson says, you can take them to the bank and exchange them for a real dollar). Oh, and only about half of the machines even accept cash, so unless you want to wait in line, you should get used to using your credit card for something that costs $1.25.

5. Entire ticket must be inserted, not just swiped
The MBTA's old system for monthly passes involved plastic cards that you would swipe through readers affixed to the top of fare gates. As long as the magnetic strip made contact with the reader, the card never had to leave your hand. You could poke holes in it, affix it to a keychain, write your name on it, etc. With the new fare gates, you must insert the entire card, which means taking it out of your wallet or off your keychain. You cannot punch holes in it, lest it become unreadable (though you'd have no need to do so, unless you want to take it off and put it back on your keychain twice a day). The old passes had a different color scheme each month, so that you (or a train conductor) could immediately identify whether your pass was current. Now, the passes are printed on the same stock each and every month.

Honorable Mention: The card is upside down
Unlike the old monthly passes, where the colors were on the top, the artistic Charlie design (see above) is actually the bottom of the card. The top of the card, determined from which way you need to insert it into the gate, contains the ugly computer printing with the T logo and the neon orange arrow. As a result, the side you look at has a complete lack of aesthetics, whereas the aesthetics themselves are wasted on the part you never see.

Playing The Spread, Week 9

As we arrive at the midpoint of the NFL regular season, I thought it would be fun to revisit my preseason playoff predictions and see, at least for the time being, how right or wrong I was.

American Football Conference
East: New England Patriots
Dead on correct. The only mistake was that I didn't think it would be nearly as easy as it's been.

North: Pittsburgh Steelers
Seems like nobody wants to win this division. Baltimore probably has the best shot.

South: Indianapolis Colts
Running away with it, as usual. Wake me up when they screw things up in the playoffs.

West: Denver Broncos
If it weren't for the Colts, the Broncos and their stingy D would be the team to beat.

Wild Cards: Miami Dolphins, San Diego Chargers
The Chargers are right in the thick of things. The Dolphins, however, tricked me and many experts into thinking at the beginning of the season that they were actually a contender. That smokescreen has since been clear. I think the last spot goes to the Jaguars, though the Chiefs might be able to put together a run.

National Football Conference
East: Dallas Cowboys
Nope. The NFC East belongs to the Giants. It's their playoff spot to lose.

North: Chicago Bears (by default)
Absolutely correct, but not by default. They've earned it.

South: Carolina Panthers
The NFC South has developed into a slugfest. Atlanta, Carolina, and New Orleans all have a good shot at the division, while the Bucs might even have an outside chance at mixing things up. Assuming Michael Vick stays healthy (major assumption), I'd give the division to the Falcons, though the Saints and Panthers both could nail down wild cards.

West: Seattle Seahawks
Let's see: Not San Fran and certainly not Arizona. That leaves St. Louis. While I think the Rams can stay competitive, I'd give the edge to Seattle on the basis of their head-to-head meeting.

Wild Cards: New York Giants, New Orleans Saints
Forced to choose, I'd say the Saints and the Rams, though I could see Carolina grabbing one of these slots. Dallas might also move in, assuming Tony Romo can serve as an effective replacement for Drew Bledsoe (the threshold is not very high).

As always, the following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-7
Season to date: 61-47-6
Worst bets: 2-6
Eliminator: 7-1 (Streak: W 1)

Giants (-13) over Texans
While I am disgusted by the neverending flow of national media ink wasted on extolling the Manning brothers, I must concede that they make great commercials. The latest ad, with Peyton and Eli tailing the tour group at the ESPN studios while trying to beat each other up -- hilarious! LOSS

Saints (-1) over Bucs
Reggie Bush shouldn't be frustrated by a bad game last Sunday at Baltimore. All the best players lay an egg from time to time, even Peyton Manning, though he prefers to wait until the playoffs to do it. You might want to leave the quarterbacking to the actual quarterbacks, though. WIN

Packers (+3) over Bills
A team that loses to the Detroit Lions must wait a minimum of five weeks before I even consider picking them to win another game. LOSS

Cowboys (-3) over Redskins
The way Bill Parcells ran around kissing all his players on Sunday night, one wonders whether he coaches the Dallas Cowboys or the Brokeback Mountain Cowboys. LOSS

Bears (-13.5) over Dolphins
The good old boys who played for the 1972 Dolphins always take particular delight in seeing their successors in Miami knock off another team's hopes of an undefeated season. It won't happen this year. LOSS

Titans (+9.5) over Jaguars
While one might dismiss Jacksonville's hiccup against Houston as an aberration, I believe it proves they are always vulnerable against a pesky divisional foe. LOSS

Falcons (-5.5) over Lions
Seeing as how he has further need for it, Kenny Rogers has donated his remaining supply of pine tar to the Lions' wide receiving corps, since they need any help they can get at this point, legal or otherwise. LOSS

Ravens (-3) over Bengals
Numero Ocho Cinco would be better known as Numero Cuatro, since that's how many touchdowns he's on pace to catch this year. WIN

Rams (-2.5) over Chiefs
Last thing you want to hear over the PA if your team is in the thick of a battle for a wild card spot: "Now playing quarterback, number twelve, Brodie Coyle." The Chiefs are one minor Damon Huard injury away. LOSS

Vikings (-5) over 49ers
While the Vikings may nevertheless ride a weak schedule into the postseason, Monday night's game exposed them as the second-tier team they truly are. Didn't you love the part where the Pats sacked the backup QB on each of his first three snaps? LOSS

Broncos (+3) over Steelers
After a motorcycle accident, an emergency appendectomy, and two concussions, Ben Roethlisberger is the NFL equivalent of Mick Foley. He's still a young kid, so Pittsburgh would be well-served to give him some time off now for the sake of prolonging his career. WIN

Chargers (-12.5) over Browns
A well-timed drop of a tactical appeal leaves the Chargers without Shawne Merriman for the murderer's row of Cleveland, Cincinnati, Denver, and Oakland. Something tells me they won't miss him too much in that span. LOSS

Patriots (-3) over Colts
And here we have the most anticipated game of the year thusfar. Realize that when Tom Brady has any semblance of a healthy supporting cast, he's 6-0 in games against Peyton Manning. Mark my words, the Colts' hopes of an undefeated season, while fanciful to begin with (given their run defense) end on Sunday night. LOSS

Raiders (+7.5) over Seattle
It's my sleeper pick of the week: The Raiders have finally started to jell while the Seahawks are still missing their two biggest offensive weapons. Circumstances are ripe for an upset, if you ask me. LOSS

BEST BET: Falcons (-5.5) over Lions LOSS
ELIMINATOR: San Diego Chargers WIN

John Kerry Flip-Flops Again

Our favorite senator who was for the war before he was against the war has come up with yet another doozy. Here's a short recap of the last few days in the world of John Kerry. Lovey!

Monday, October 30
Making a speech to students at Pasadena City College, Kerry tells them, "you know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." President Bush and Republican leaders quickly condemn the remarks, calling them insulting to those soldiers who have served in Iraq and their families.

Tuesday, October 31
Kerry issues a half-assed explanation in which he essentially stands by his remarks and blames everyone else for misinterpreting them and the Bush administration for getting the country into the mess. He says, "My statement yesterday, and the White House knows this full well, was a botched joke about the President and the President's people, not about the troops. The White House's attempt to distort my true statement is a remarkable testament to their abject failure making America safe.... If anyone thinks that a veteran would somehow criticize more than 140,000 troops serving in Iraq and not the president and his people who put them there, they're crazy."

Wednesday Morning, November 1
Several Democratic candidates who had asked Kerry to help them stump rescind their invitations, seeing the need the distance themselves from such a firebrand. Kerry continued his half-assed explanation by calling into the Don Imus radio show and telling him that "Look, everybody knows I botched a joke. It’s not the first time anybody’s done that.... I said it was a botched joke. Of course, I’m sorry about a botched joke. You think I love botched jokes? I mean, it’s pretty stupid."

Wednesday Afternoon, November 1
Finally, in the afternoon, Kerry realizes the political sh-- has hit the fan, and sensing the need for major self-preservation, reverses his hard-line position that the troops shouldn't have been insulted because it was their own fault if they misinterpreted his comments, opting instead to acknowledge that given the way his words came across, they were in fact insulting. In a written statement, Kerry now says, "I sincerely regret that my words were misinterpreted to wrongly imply anything negative about those in uniform, and I personally apologize to any service member, family member, or American who was offended.... As a combat veteran, I want to make it clear to anyone in uniform and to their loved ones: My poorly stated joke at a rally was not about, and [was] never intended to refer to any troop." In other words, John Kerry was not sorry before he was sorry.

Someone needs to explain to me why people in Massachusetts keep voting for this guy.