Playing The Spread, Week 13

One of the more ironic things about football is that while it's mostly a game where big men push each other around, when it comes time to put points on the board, the duty falls to the smallest man on the field. That man, of course, is the kicker. He is usually introverted, often foreign-born, and extremely fungible.

The kicker is the easiest scapegoat a coach can have. Lose a game by two points? Well, had you made that 39-yard field goal in the first quarter, you'd have won. Heads need to roll, so instead of firing your best friend as offensive coordinator, you just cut the kicker. There's a pool of unemployed kickers-for-hire that you can use to fill a roster spot, even on a week-by-week basis if necessary.

A kicker is like a substitute teacher. You don't quite know where they come from, but they just show up one day. They aren't expected to do the job of the teacher, just hold down the fort and keep things under control until the full-time teacher comes back. They have no loyalty to any specific department -- they can start the week in social studies, move onto biology for a day, and be teaching French by the end of the week. You don't develop any strong affinity for these substitute teachers, but instead, you merely begrudingly tolerate the current guy until the real teacher returns.

Martin Gramatica, the kicker formerly known as "Automatica" (but far from it these days), is now with his third team this season, having signed with the Dallas Cowboys after they cut Mike Vanderjagt. He's had a chance to fill in for Adam Vinatieri, the guy who replaced Adam Vinatieri, and the guy who Adam Vinatieri replaced. But Gramatica will last no longer than the period of time for which no one better is available on the market. Kickers are the ultimate mercenaries, and the fact that they are more responsible for scoring offense than anyone else on the team is one of football's greatest ironies.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers, but it might be time to hop back on the bandwagon.

Last week: 10-6
Season to date: 90-79-7
Best bets: 5-7
Eliminator: 10-2 (Streak: W 2)

Ravens (+3) over Bengals
For all the money that the NFL Network has, would it kill them to buy their pregame commentators a table that four full-grown men can comfortably fit behind? And while I'm at it, would it kill Bryant Gumbel to modulate the intonation of their voices once or twice a game? LOSS

Patriots (-13.5) over Lions
You spot the best team in the NFC five turnovers, and yet you still manage to win the game. New England is considering giving Corey Dillon and Laurence Maroney the week off and just letting Tom Brady run the football himself. LOSS

Rams (-6.5) over Cardinals
Thank goodness for the NFC West. If it weren't for patsies like San Francisco and Arizona, St. Louis would be continuing its free fall toward oblivion in the month of December. LOSS

Chargers (-6) over Bills
Meanwhile, San Diego is considering giving Philip Rivers the week off and just letting LaDanian Tomlinson throw the football himself. LOSS

Saints (-7) over 49ers
Back in Week 3, when the Saints trounced the Falcons, I attributed the win to the adrenaline rush from their post-Katrina return to the Superdome. When the Saints trounced the Falcons last week, it became clear that this team is no fluke. You need look no further than Drew Brees' half-ending Hail Mary touchdown to know that the Saints are the team of destiny. WIN

Vikings (+9) over Bears
Say what you will about one of the league's most physical and opportunistic defenses, but the Chicago Bears can't get to the next level with Rex Grossman under center. Just so you know, Rex, your team will be the one wearing the black jerseys on Sunday, not the purple-and-white ones. LOSS

Chiefs (-5) over Browns
Maybe he doesn't get the same media attention as L.T. because he only has a pedestrian 13 touchdowns in 11 games (as opposed to a sick 21), but Larry Johnson may be the league's most valuable running back. LOSS

Redskins (-2) over Falcons
Michael Vick wasn't giving the middle finger to the fans after last week's loss -- he was merely doing his best impression of the Leon Washington trading card. LOSS

Jets (-1.5) over Packers
Look, I know Brett Favre might no longer be the quarterback he once was, but nobody else shows up for game after game, even when injured, and gives 100 percent every single time. Favre is Mr. Durability, especially when you consider that rivals like Donovan McNabb go down with a season-ending injury three of the last five years. He's a class act. WIN

Colts (-7.5) over Titans
Well, the secret's out. We finally know that what makes Vince Young such a good QB is his supernatural mind control abilities that can make defensive linemen who have him in their grasp inexplicably let go, allowing him to scamper for first downs. The only downside is that now Sylar is probably going to come looking for him. LOSS

Texans (+3) over Raiders
It's been a bad week for former Raiders offensive coordinator and former (now current, once again?) bed-and-breakfast owner Tom Walsh. No truth to the rumor that they're replacing Walsh with the Jewish husband and wife innkeepers from the Borat movie, though I doubt they'd do any worse. WIN

Dolphins (-1.5) over Jaguars
It's the annual We Lost To Houston Bowl (sponsored, of course, by Capital One), but one of these teams seems like they might actually be able to salvage their season from that nadir. LOSS

Cowboys (-3.5) over Giants
What's the difference between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning? At least Peyton waits for the postseason before choking. LOSS

Bucs (+7) over Steelers
This game will be boring as hell, so CBS would be better served by showing an episode of Celebrity Deathmatch featuring Ben Roethlisberger's appendix fighting against Chris Simms' spleen. LOSS

Seahawks (+3) over Broncos
So it's come to Jay Cutler. Wow. Getting benched sucks. Getting benched with a winning record sucks more. Getting benched with a winning record in favor of a rookie is even worse. But the ultimate indignity is getting benched with a winning record in favor of a rookie who went to Vanderbilt. Yikes. WIN

Panthers (-3) over Eagles
Now the quarterback who sucks is out for the year, his spot is being filled by the quarterback who's gay. I bet T.O. is so glad to be done with this team. LOSS

BEST BET: Chiefs (-5) over Browns LOSS
ELIMINATOR: New England Patriots WIN