As far as cringeworthy "news" stories go, the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding is second only to anything involving Paris Hilton. I can't believe I'm wasting space dignifying the voracious media attention given to such fame whores, but I have exclusive details on the vows exchanged during the Scientology wedding ceremony that, as a public service, I feel compelled to pass along:
"I, Tom Cruise, take this woman and her 2,255 body thetans, to be my non-legally-recognized wedded wife, to have and to hold, to audit and to bridge, in sickness and in health (but not in psychiatric sickness because no such thing exists), in high e-levels and in low, from Clear to OT IX, till the escape of Space Lord Xenu from his prison deep inside the planet Teegeeack do us part.
"These vows I make, subject to penalty of vigorous litigation or overbearing intimidation tactics, in the name of our Lord, L. Ron Hubbard, and his servant, John Travolta."
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