Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 17

This is it -- the game that all of us here in the New England area had hoped would transpire back in early October, well before the Red Sox won the World Series. When the Pats started their season by scoring 38 points in the first three games, with Tom Brady throwing touchdowns to Randy Moss at will, with even supposed contenders like the Chargers and the Cowboys falling by the wayside, Patriots fans fantasized about a perfect season, one that would shut the 1972 Dolphins up for good.

Now, it's here. The Pats are on the cusp of a perfect regular season. All it will take is 60 minutes of halfway-decent football against a team that has nothing to play for and shouldn't have its starters on the field after the ten-minute mark of the second quarter. After Bill Belichick was fined for having perfectly legitimate footage of defensive signals shot from an improper location, the Pats became fired up and have unleashed their aggression on any poor opponent who, through the vagaries of the NFL schedule, is forced to stand in their way. Whether you love them or hate them, you need to respect them.

It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to win sixteen straight games in the NFL. Major League Baseball has some team with that kind of winning streak just about every season. Heck, the Boston Celtics had an eighteen-game streak last year. (Granted, it was a losing streak, which is arguably easier to pull off than a winning streak, but still....) In the NFL, however, parity reigns supreme. Strict salary caps, unbalanced schedules, and the copycat nature of the league make it very difficult for any one team to dominate its competitors. As a result, the Pats' perfection is an even greater accomplishment.

The rest of the country will be watching this game and hoping that the Pats go down, feeling that the Boston area has gotten more than its share of sports karma over the past seven years. I stick my tongue out at them. They should have done a better job picking a team to follow.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 5-11
Season To Date: 110-119-11
Best Bets: 10-6
Eliminator: 13-3 (Streak: W 4)
The Monkey: 8-6-2

Patriots (-13.5) over Giants
The only downside to going 16-0 is that the milestone is absolutely meaningless unless the Pats win the Super Bowl. For now, let's just enjoy it. LOSS

Bengals (-3) over Dolphins
The only downside to almost going 0-16 is that the milestone is accompanied by the obligation to pay top dollar for an unproven, uncertain college junior in next spring's draft. WIN

Bills (+7.5) over Eagles
You can pencil the Bills in for a playoff berth next year, assuming they don't move to Canada in the meanwhile. LOSS

Seahawks (+1) over Falcons
I wonder whether they get the NFL Network at the Northern Neck Regional Jail in Warsaw, Virginia. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, since on Saturday night, Michael Vick will be able to see how a quarterback who doesn't have a dog-strangling hobby is capable of playing. LOSS

Saints (-2) over Bears
When the powers-that-be put the schedule together, they anticipated that this rematch of last year's NFC Championship would be a preview of a potential playoff matchup. Oops. LOSS

Bucs (+3) over Panthers
You know those touch football games you used to play in the backyard, where you'd switch off who played quarterback each series while everyone else went out for a pass? Well, the Panthers might be best off resorting to such a strategy for the final game of the season. LOSS

Browns (-10) over 49ers
Cleveland is in the unusual position where their playoff berth is completely out of their control. Whether the Browns win or lose, the final AFC wild card spot will be determined by the Tennessee-Indianapolis game. So, do you play hard or do you mail it in? Romeo Crennel is a Bill Belichick disciple, which means he is mentally incapable of resting his starters. WIN

Packers (-4) over Lions
If the Lions were a college football team, the 8-8 record they'd secure with a win this week would qualify them for a spot in the ThirdRateAutoInsuranceCompany.com Bowl to be played January 21st in Little Rock, Arkansas. Thanks goodness for the NFL! WIN

Jaguars (+6.5) over Texans
The fact that all but two playoff berths have been sown up means that Week 17 features such oddities as the fourth-best team in football being one-touchdown underdogs to a divisional rival with a sub-.500 record. LOSS

Chargers (-8) over Raiders
Lane Kiffin has one last chance to impress Al Davis before he must go before his boss and grovel to keep his job for another year. WIN

Jets (-6.5) over Chiefs
If it weren't for the new flex scheduling arrangement, this stinker would be the final Sunday Night Football game of the year. LOSS

Cardinals (-6) over Rams
Another year, another Week 17 game for the Cardinals with no possibility of making the playoffs. WIN

Cowboys (+9) over Redskins
Out goes Terrell Owens, in comes Terry Glenn. At least Bill Parcells never questioned T.O.'s masculinity. LOSS

Vikings (-3) over Broncos
If the Vikings end up missing out on the playoffs, they have nobody to blame but themselves. When you get slaughtered by the team that's breathing down your neck, you don't deserve to be playing in January. LOSS

Steelers (-3.5) over Ravens
The only good news for the Ravens is that their 2007 losing streak will come to an end this Sunday, one way or the other. LOSS

Titans (-6) over Colts
No team lies down and plays dead in Week 17 like the Colts. They seem all too happy to hand this game, and the resulting wild card spot, to the division rival Titans. TIE

BEST BET: Vikings (-3) over Broncos LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Tennessee Titans WIN

THE MONKEY: Bengals (-3) over Dolphins WIN

Top Five Types Of Christmas Carols

1. Songs about Jesus
These Christmas carols remind us that the true purpose of this holiday is not to run around the mall trying to find the perfect present for relatives about whom you don't particularly care, but to honor the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, we sing "Away In A Manger" and "Joy To The World" and "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "We Three Kings" to commemorate the great miracle that took place 2,007 years ago today (except that it was probably more like 2,010 years ago and it may not have actually happened in late December, but we don't let minor details stand in our way).

2. Songs about Santa
Santa is Jesus' secular rival. Jesus may have died for our sins but Santa is still alive and well, spying on children all year long before hopping in his nine-reindeer-driven flying sleigh and making the rounds across planet Earth on Christmas Eve, hopping down chimneys, leaving presents (or coal) under trees, and snacking on more cookies and milk than he would care to see. We honor Santa through songs like "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Jolly Old St. Nicholas," and the utterly ridiculous "Santa Baby."

3. Songs that may have been fine for Dickensian England but don't make much sense in the 21st century
What's this song about the twelve days of Christmas? Last I checked, there was only one day and most people are back at work on December 26th. Who in today's society would think that 364 separate gifts including pipers piping, maids a-milking, drummers drumming, and a total of forty golden rings are a good idea? How many rings can you wear on ten fingers anyway? When's the last time you decided to decorate for the holiday by decking the halls the boughs of holly? I mean, who talks like that anymore? And when was the last time someone wished good tidings to you and your kin or brought you a figgy pudding?

4. Christmas songs that aren't really about Christmas at all
Songs like "Frosty The Snowman" and "Winter Wonderland" and "Jingle Bells" and "Sleigh Ride" get lumped into the category of Christmas carols, but when you actually listen to the words, you realize that they are generic winter songs that are just as applicable to mid-February as they are to late December. As a result, they are popular selections for public school holiday concerts, since it lets bored parents think they're hearing Christmas carols while school administrators relax, knowing the First Amendment remains intact.

5. Multicultural Christmas songs
For the Hispanic residents of our country (legal or not), we sing "Feliz Navidad." We recognize our 50th state by singing "Mele Kalikimaka." The Germans get "O Tannenbaum" and the French get "De Bon Matin." Ignorant people who don't realize that Hanukkah is actually a second-tier Jewish holiday and instead consider in the Jewish Christmas lump Hanukkah songs into this category. If I knew of any traditional Kwanzaa songs (which is difficult, given the limited tradition of the holiday itself) they'd belong here as well.

Bowl Game Stadium Trivia

1. Which current bowl game has been played under the greatest number of names?

2. Which stadiums currently host more than one annual bowl game (not including the BCS title game)?

3. What was the last bowl game that matched up two teams from what was then Division I-AA? Which two conferences were represented?

4. Of the current bowl game venues, which one is the northernmost? Southernmost? Easternmost? Westernmost?

5. Why was there no Orange Bowl game played in 1997?

6. Which current bowl venue has the greatest capacity? The smallest capacity?

7. Which bowl game is played in a Major League Baseball stadium?

8. Before the International Bowl, what was the last bowl game played outside the United States?

9. Which non-BCS bowl has the largest payout? Which has the smallest payout?

Click on "Comments" for the answers.

Dunkin' Deception

The menu at Boston's favorite fast food donut and coffee shop has recently undergone a minor makeover lately with the addition of oven-toasted flatbread sandwiches, the expansion of value combos, and the availability of "side orders," namely hash browns (far more flavorful than what you get as breakfast potatoes at McDonald's, by the way).

Look closely at the menu board, however, and you'll now notice that beverages are listed in descending size order (i.e. x-large, large, medium, small), instead of the ascending order that the rest of the world uses. I have arrived at the conclusion that this arrangement is nothing more than a psychological ploy to get people to buy more expensive drinks on one of two theories:

1. Since people naturally read left to right, the first thing they will encounter is the most expensive size. Large beverages at D&D's are a bargain compared with other coffee shops, so people will make the impulse decision to get the large and not read further on the menu, since it's the same price as a small elsewhere.

2. People will see the price on the left of the menu board and assume it's the smallest size that D&D's offers. They won't be thrown off by the fact that it's called "large" because they're so used to Starbucks' "tall, grande, venti" nomenclature.

Once upon a time, businesses made money by selling their customers the right product for their individual needs. Nowadays, business make money by tricking their customers into buying the most expensive thing they can get away with.

(I'd actually forgive them for this sleight-of-hand if they would just dump Rachael Ray as a spokesperson.)

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 16

Earlier this week, the NFL announced the list of players selected to be able to blow off the 2008 Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Tuesday Morning Quarterback -- ESPN's in-house spewer of fire-and-brimstone rhetoric -- always takes this opportunity to denounce the NFL for naming its all-star teams with two weeks left to play. Whether or not TMQ has a point, consider that the other three major sports leagues select their all-star teams after only half a season has elapsed. Those players who do nothing through June then turn it for the season's second half after some unknown kick in the pants (or, in the case of Roger Clemens in 1997, some unknown shot in the butt), are out of luck.


Besides, the accolade of being selected is far more important than actually playing in the game. A long season is over and road-weary players just want to spend time with their families. With the exception of the two Super Bowl teams, everyone else hung up their pads a minimum of three weeks before the season-ending exhibition. Did I mention that with all the rules the NFL imposes to prevent injuries, the game itself an absolute joke? The Pro Bowl is such a loser that the NFL now requires TV networks to cover it as a condition of broadcasting the Super Bowl.

As for Fred Taylor, Mario Williams, and everyone else who was snubbed, first ask yourself if you really want to go to this game anyway, and second, take solace in the fact that half the starters will drop out for various reasons over the next month and a half, opening a space for you after all. The night before last year's game, they were looking for any live body who could catch a flight to Hawaii in order to fill out the rosters.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 105-108-11
Best Bets: 10-5
Eliminator: 12-3 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 8-5-2

Steelers (-7.5) over Rams
This one will be long, so bear with me. When my little brother was growing up, he used to go to hebrew school with this kid named Aaron Bass (who, for some inexplicable reason, we always called Evan Bass). This kid was a whiny brat and a total social misfit. When my brother went over to his house for the first (and last) time, Aaron Bass threw building blocks at him. Anyway, one year, my brother has this recurring case of strep throat. We tried to figure out where he got it from and eventually came to the conclusion that he caught it from Aaron Bass three or four times in the span of as many weeks. Fast forward to last Thursday night: I turned on the NFL Network to watch the Broncos-Texans game, and after a few minutes, I realized that I wasn't irritated by the play-by-play like I usually am. It turned out that Bryant Gumbel was scratched from the broadcast with a case of strep throat. I could actually enjoy listening to the game with substitute commentator Tom Hammond in the booth. So, if I could, I'd love to send Aaron Bass over the Gumbel household before this week's game as well. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Panthers
Dallas fans have obtained a restraining order requiring Jessica Simpson to stay no less than five miles away from wherever the Cowboys are playing. LOSS

Jaguars (-13) over Raiders
The fact that not a single player from the Jacksonville Jaguars -- the fifth-best team in the NFL right now -- was named to the Pro Bowl is disgraceful. WIN

Chiefs (+4.5) over Lions
If I could be paid millions of dollars to come up with the same lack of results as Matt Millen, I would be living a dream. LOSS

Colts (-7) over Texans
When you think about it, the fact that a team could go 14-2 and yet is mathematically eliminated from the number one seed with two games left to play is unbelievable. WIN

Saints (-3) over Eagles
Brian Westbrook's game-sealing laydown left Chad Johnson to wonder why he can't garner similar anounts of praise for not scoring touchdowns. LOSS

Bills (+3) over Giants
His lackluster performance in last week's crucial division game demonstrates that Eli Manning plays the Peyton Manning role perfectly. LOSS

Packers (-8.5) over Bears
I'd like everyone who was clamoring for the Aaron Rodgers era to start near the end of last season to raise their hands. Anyone? Anyone? Not so high and mighty anymore now, are we? LOSS

Browns (-3) over Bengals
Unlike the Jets, the Browns managed to fill their head coaching job with a former Patriots defensive coordinator who's actually capable of winning games. LOSS

Cardinals (-10) over Falcons
Memo to those boneheads on the Falcons with the t-shirts last week: You can break out your "Free Mumia" gear, since it's arguable that he never got a fair trial. (Though that was so 1999.) But Michael Vick voluntarily pled guilty to dogfighting charges knowing that the offense carried a statutory maximum penalty of five years. For you to suggest that there was some miscarriage of justice in Vick's case trivializes the plight of those people who actually are screwed over by the system. LOSS

Bucs (-6) over 49ers
Since the Pats own San Francisco's draft pick, it might behoove Bill Belichick to supply the Bucs with some special footage of the Niners' defensive signals, if you know what I mean. LOSS

Jets (+8.5) over Titans
When they print the NFL standings, the New York Post puts an asterisk next to the Patriots with the notation "caught cheating." They should also put an asterisk next to the Jets with the notation "caught sucking." WIN

Seahawks (E) over Ravens
When someone else avoids the moniker of "Worst Team Ever" by beating you, it clearly is not your year. WIN

Patriots (-22) over Dolphins
While I really wanted to see a 14-0 team play an 0-14 team, the Dolphins' win last week means they have absolutely nothing else to play for. LOSS

Vikings (-6.5) over Redskins
Sean Taylor was posthumously elected a starter for the Pro Bowl, barely edging out Mel Carnahan and Patsy Mink for the slot. LOSS

Broncos (+8.5) over Chargers
Denver's completely unpredictable season continues, though last week I managed to correctly predict a game of theirs for only the second time since Week Four. LOSS

BEST BET: Browns (-3) over Bengals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Arizona Cardinals WIN

THE MONKEY: Cardinals (-10) over Falcons LOSS

Top Five Places I'll Never Be Able To Visit

Never is probably an overstatement, but visiting any of the places on this list would require either navigating some serious red tape or some out-and-out deception.

1. Tehran, Iran
I found out just the other day that, counter to the desert outpost stereotype of a Middle Eastern city, Tehran sits below a towering range of mountains which regularly experiences snowfall during the winter months. Just a few kilometers outside the city lies the start of the world's highest ski lift, taking passengers near to the top of a ridge near the 13,005 foot summit of Mt. Tochal. If you look at pictures of Tehran and ignore the signs in Farsi, you'd swear it was Denver. But while Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has proclaimed that his country is open to American tourism, a visa application nonetheless requires you to provide two residents of Iran who will serve as references. I'm told that the government actually shows up and grills them.

2. Mecca, Saudi Arabia
Getting a visa for Saudi Arabia is trouble enough, since the country does not allow people to enter for touristic purposes. Therefore, I need to find some business purpose to go to the country, or suddenly find family there, or claim I'm a religious pilgrim. Even if I make into Saudi Arabia though, the holy city of Mecca is only open to those of the Muslim faith. I'd love to experience the spectacle of the Hajj and take in the beauty of the Kaaba firsthand, but I don't know whether I'm willing to convert to a new faith to do so.

3. Pyongyang, North Korea
Kim Jong Il's dystopia is something straight out of 1984. A massive planned society, every member of North Korea's homogenized society knows their role and follows the rules, leaving the city squeaky clean and the roads largely free of traffic (which is easy to do since only the highest-ranking members of the party faithful are allowed to drive). Monumental, futurist works of architecture are dedicated in honor of the Eternal President and the Dear Leader. American tourists are only allowed into the country a couple of weeks each year, and then, they're only allowed on strictly controlled tours run by government officials. In other words, you only see what they want you to see.

4. Havana, Cuba
Cuba is the ultimate forbidden fruit for Americans. While seeing a world essentially frozen in the 1950's sounds cool, the fact of the matter is that Cuba is so attractive largely because it's off-limits. Not too long ago, Americans could circumvent the embargo by traveling via a third country and avoiding the telltale passport stamp. But the Bush administration has decided to enforce a policy that's obviously worked so well over the past forty years by cracking down on individual tourists who visit Fidel Castro's regime. Once the old guy kicks the bucket, American tourists will flock to the island, but once that happens, what's the point of bothering to go?

5. Antarctica
You can't exactly book a commercial flight to Antarctica, though if you're willing to do some research and throw some money at it, you can find yourself an eco-tourism cruise expedition that will take you to the bottom of the world. Therein lies the rub, since I tend to avoid both cruises and organized tours. Additionally, an expedition exploring anything beyond the tip of the Antarctic Peninsula would involve some intensive, cold-weather hiking and camping. I'll hike all day and I'll sleep in crappy budget hotels in third-world countries, but camping? Count me out.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 15

Anyone who regularly watches football games has seen this scenario: offensive team stands milling around, waiting for a play call to come in from the sidelines. Eventually, with about fifteen seconds left on the play clock, the team huddles up hurriedly. Then, with five second left, the players themselves at the line of scrimmage. The quarterback sees something he doesn't like in the defensive formation and calls up and down the line, checking off the planned play for an audible. But, he doesn't have enough time to make sure everyone gets the message, and with the play clock about to hit zero, he pulls out from under center and calls a time out.

Popular wisdom seems to dictate that the quarterback call a timeout in this situation, but I want to challenge this convention. Teams only receive three timeouts per half, so naturally, they should use them only when necessary, such as to stop the clock in the final two minutes or to reset their defense if they're not ready for a play or to challenge a call.

Saving yourself a five-yard penalty near midfield early in a game doesn't seem to carry the same import. Teams regularly absorb ten-yard holding penalties or sacks of eight to twelve yards yet still manage to convert for the first down. Sure, a five-yard setback never helps your cause (unless you're Russ Hochstein and the Patriots), but as far as penalties go, it's pretty minimal.

Next time a quarterback realizes he won't be able to get a play off on time, I'd love to see him just step back, leave his arms at his side, and let the officials throw a flag. Five yards isn't worth a timeout. Consider the five yards to be the cost of being able to stop the clock at will down the stretch.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 10-6
Season To Date: 98-99-11
Best Bets: 9-5
Eliminator: 11-3 (Streak: W 2)
The Monkey: 7-5-2

Texans (-1) over Broncos
Somehow, I doubt that Comcast will be besieged by phone calls from people complaining about being unable to watch games on the NFL Network this week. WIN

Bengals (-8) over 69ers
I'm going to start referring to San Francisco as the 69ers -- because they suck. LOSS

Jets (+23.5) over Patriots
I can't remember the last time that the spread and the over/under were basically the same number. The only thing that might keep this game respectable is the nor'easter that's scheduled to arrive in town Sunday afternoon. WIN

Falcons (+13.5) over Bucs
Between Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino, the Falcons lost two major fixtures in less than 48 hours. At least players can go visit Bobby Petrino without submitting to a strip search and body cavity check. LOSS

Titans (-4) over Chiefs
You're not going to get far in this league if you led a team that's been dead to rights for the first 52 minutes of a game rally for 20 straight points and an overtime victory. WIN

Seahawks (-7.5) over Panthers
Carolina asked the NFL for permission to use its 2008 first round pick early, just to get a semi-competent live body behind center. LOSS

Packers (-10) over Rams
Brett Favre's injury ended up lasting about as long as his last three retirements. The streak is alive! WIN

Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens
When you look back and realize what Nick Saban was running away from, he doesn't seem like quite the weasel. Most people would have done the same thing. WIN

Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals
With a chance to make the playoffs if they could pull off a late-season run, the Cards predictably wilted under the pressure. WIN

Jaguars (+3.5) over Steelers
Something tells me that the Steelers won't be letting Anthony Smith make any more motivational speeches this year. WIN

Bills (+5.5) over Browns
Of the thirteen games the Browns have played this year, ten have been decided by ten points or less, four have come down to a field goal, and two have gone to overtime. In a related story, pacemaker retailers in the Cleveland metropolitan area are reporting record sales. LOSS

Colts (-10.5) over Raiders
Indy has second place in the AFC all locked up, so they might as well give their starters a rest so that they're nice and rusty by the time they meet the Pats in the playoffs. LOSS

Lions (+10) over Chargers
Jon Kitna's early-season guarantee that his team would win ten games now looks about as accurate as, well, Anthony Smith's promise last week. LOSS

Cowboys (-10.5) over Eagles
Good teams win blowouts. Great teams manage to dig themselves out of holes when it looks like all hope is lost. (Of course, inept play-calling by the opponent never hurts.) LOSS

Giants (-4.5) over Redskins
Eli Manning is unstoppable... unless, of course, it's the first, second, or third quarter of a professional football game. LOSS

Vikings (-10) over Bears
Rex Grossman says he'd love to come back to the Bears if they want him. Of course, that's the same thing Brian Dunkleman said after the first season of American Idol. LOSS

BEST BET: Saints (-3.5) over Cardinals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Indianapolis Colts WIN

THE MONKEY: Dolphins (+3.5) over Ravens WIN

I ♥ Huckabee (Not)

Since he's now the supposed front-runner, I decided to check out the platform for former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. I was horrified. Among the things Huckabee stands for are a complete ban on abortion (even in cases of rape or for the health of the mother), a belief that homosexuality is sinful and abnormal, support for posting the Ten Commandments inside classrooms, no federal funding of stem cell research, and acceptance of creationism (which I can't even believe is even still on the table in the 21st century).

Now, I consider myself a libertarian-conservative -- libertarian on social issues, conservative on fiscal issues. I don't care much for the anti-gay rhetoric and religious grandstanding in which many Republicans engage, but I'm usually willing to overlook such beliefs in order to find a candidate with sound budgetary priorities. In Huckabee's case, however, his religious convictions seem so pervasive and so vehement that I don't think I could support the man if he becomes the eventual Republican nominee.

Maybe I'm just totally out of touch, but for the life of me, I can't understand what people see in this guy. Are there really that many people out there who want a slice of Jesus served as a side dish to their daily life? Even self-described conservatives that I personally know don't particularly care to have religion so intertwined with politics. Perhaps it's different in the Heartland and there really are masses of people who would want nothing more than to see our country transformed into a theocracy. But when it comes to the general election, I can't in a million years see Huckabee's bible thumping carrying the day.

If the religious zealots insist on nominating a candidate who most closely represents their own agenda rather than one who could actually win an election while keeping some of their interests in mind, we should get ready for these three words: President Hillary Clinton.

Playing The Spread 2K7, Week 14

Loyal readers of this column know how I am a decided proponent of the instant replay system. With only sixteen games in a season, every single call has the potential to decide a team's season. However, the system is not quite perfect.

The largest gripe I have is that outside of the two minute warning, coaches have the responsibility to challenge calls on their own. The guy sitting up in the replay booth can hang out and eat overpriced hot dogs for 56 minutes and watch the game each Sunday, all on the NFL's dime, before he actually has to do something. I understand how coaches would sometimes want to insist that the officials take another look at a crucial call, but coaches have 45 players to look after already. They don't need to supervise seven officials as well.

The idea of limiting the number of challenges and assessing a time out for challenges that are upheld makes sense as a measure to keep games from getting out of hand, but I don't see quite what time outs have to do with challenges. In other words, why should a team be barred from challenging a play, even if they have a challenge remaining, just because they had already spent time outs in strategically appropriate situations earlier in the half? Forcing a team to keep a time out in reserve just in case they need to overturn a clearly erroneous call by an official seems to be a forced misplacement of priorities. I propose that if a team is out of time outs, the officials should still allow rightful challenges subject to the caveat that if unsuccessful, the team should be punished with a five-yard (or ten-yard) penalty.

Both of these problems would be solved by adopting the NCAA model. In the NCAA, while coaches have a certain number of challenges, a replay official can initiate a review, sua sponte, at any time. It is true that college football replays are conducted in the booth and that the referee need not duck under the hood to watch the play himself, which ostensibly speeds things up, but in the NFL, it is more important to get the calls right rather than make them quickly. Besides, replay officials will probably initiate reviews on plays that coaches would have challenged anyway. And if replay officials can call for challenges themselves, teams without timeouts (or challenges) remaining would no longer be helpless.

Further, the challenge system breeds this ridiculous ritual where offensive teams that benefit from a questionable call rush up to the line and try to snap the ball before the challenge flag comes flying. One astute commentator pointed out that a mad dash to snap the ball is an indication in and of itself that you should be throwing the flag. However, unless we want to engage in perverse exercises of revisionist history by winding back the clock two minutes to reverse a call on the previous drive, the one-play statute of limitations on replay is a necessary evil.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for actual cash wagers.

Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 88-93-11
Best Bets: 8-5
Eliminator: 10-3 (Streak: W 1)
The Monkey: 6-5-2

Redskins (-3) over Bears
After last week's ill-fated illegal time out call, Joe Gibbs got a call from Chris Webber assuring him that everything would work out just fine. WIN

Bills (-7) over Dolphins
While Nick Buoniconti and company need to keep the champagne corks unpopped for at least another week, the 1976 Buccaneers are anxiously awaiting their opportunity to open up their bottles of Colt 45 once (if?) the Dolphins finally win a game. WIN

Rams (+6) over Bengals
The Rams are 3-1 since their bye week and are currently petitioning the NFL to retroactively extend the preseason from four to twelve games. LOSS

Jaguars (-10.5) over Panthers
David Garrard is unquestionably the most underrated quarterback in the league. Meanwhile, Vinny Testaverde is counting down the games until he can take out social security. WIN

Cowboys (-10.5) over Lions
Usually the Lions don't even bother waiting until November to go into their annual nose dive. Which raises the question once again: how is Matt Millen still employed? LOSS

Bucs (-3) over Texans
Luke McCown might be just as good at rallying the team to an exciting victory, but Jeff Garcia still has the hotter wife. LOSS

Raiders (+10) over Packers
Packers fans have seen the post-Favre future, and it ain't pretty. Here's hoping the NFL's ironman takes whatever pain-killers he needs (and even some that he doesn't) in order to play in Sunday's game. LOSS

Chargers (E) over Titans
Tennessee is a team I really respect and every time they take the field, I hope they win. Too bad it takes more than my individual hope to overcome flat play. WIN

Giants (+3) over Eagles
Donovan McNabb wants to return to the field from injury this week. He wants to go head-to-head with Eli Manning to see who can choke up this game worse. WIN

Vikings (-9) over 49ers
At the end of September (i.e. before the Lions started playing like the Lions), we all figured that two teams from the NFC North would make the playoffs. We just didn't think it would be the Vikings. WIN

Seahawks (-7) over Cardinals
If the NFL were a English soccer-style league with promotion and relegation at the end of each season, then the Arizona Cardinals would be Tottenham Hotspur -- while they come up with enough wins each year to stave off demotion, they're never really in contention for the top prize. WIN

Chiefs (+6.5) over Broncos
Once again, I have proven myself completely inept at picking any game involving the Broncos. So, I've decided to just guess. LOSS

Browns (-3) over Jets
The Jets might want to send Isiah Thomas and the Knicks a special thank-you present this Christmas season, since without the Knicks, the Jets would be the biggest sports laughing-stock in New York City. WIN

Steelers (+10.5) over Patriots
You know your team is truly charmed when they get six downs to make a conversion where all other teams only get four. LOSS

Colts (-9) over Ravens
Baltimore fans are planning to take revenge on the Colts franchise for what happened in 1984 by blockading the stadium after Sunday night's game and preventing the Colts from skipping town yet again. WIN

Saints (-4) over Falcons
After that 3-0 Pittsburgh game and that 24-0 walkover by the Seahawks over the 49ers and then this snoozer, ESPN should be barging down the door of the NFL offices demanding a renegotiation of their contract. WIN

BEST BET: Giants (+3) over Eagles WIN
ELIMINATOR: Buffalo Bills WIN

THE MONKEY: Vikings (-9) over 49ers WIN

50 State Quarters Rated: 2008

At long last, the U.S. Mint has released the official designs for the final five state quarters. As always, I have opinions to share. (FYI, legislation has been introduced that would prolong the program for a year in order to issue coins spotlighting the District of Columbia and the five territories. In that case, we'll obviously chime in with our two -- or twenty-five -- cents.)

Oklahoma
If you showed me this quarter and asked me which state it represented, I would run through most of the Southeast, Northeast, Midwest, and Pacific Northwest before I would guess Oklahoma. The scissor-tailed flycatcher may be a unique bird and the Indian Blankets may be the official state flower, but nothing about the quarter itself shows me what Oklahoma itself looks like (aside from the fact that it evidently has lots of these birds and flowers running around). A state outline would go a long way here.
Rating: 5¢

New Mexico
This quarter makes a decent effort to represent the state but it could do more. I like the state outline and the motto. The Zia sun symbol is ubiquitous in New Mexico and I couldn't imagine a quarter without it. While incorporating terrain into the state logo is an interesting gloss, I feel that it's used an excuse to avoid actually depicting a scene from state. I can tell where the mountains and rivers are, I just can't tell what they look like. Overall, it comes across a bit bland.
Rating: 10¢

Arizona
If New Mexico's quarter is too bland, Arizona's is too frantic. I applaud the state's desire to highlight the dual icons of the Grand Canyon and the Saguaro cactus. I also applaud the state's commitment to accuracy in dividing the two icons with a sash in order to demonstrate that they're not found in the same part of the state. But this quarter goes too far in trying to be realistic. A coin that's just over an inch in diameter is just too plain small for a realistic depiction of intricate geologic and botanical formations.
Rating: 10¢

Alaska
We'll start with what I don't like: I would have hoped to see mountains or glaciers on this quarter and I've never heard the nickname "The Great Land" used for Alaska. ("The Last Frontier," yes.) But this quarter does a nice job showing off Alaska's unadulterated wilderness with a primal scene of bear snatching a salmon out of a cascading river. The subtle inclusion of a single star is a brilliant way to recognize the iconic North Star highlighted on the Alaska state flag, especially since it is positioned in roughly the same place on the quarter and flag.
Rating: 20¢

Hawaii
I'm a fan of the state outline, and while the foreign language phrase is voluminous, it is the official state motto, so I'll cut it some slack. King Kamehameha is certainly an important figure in Hawaii's history, plus his inclusion creates the novelty of royalty depicted on American currency. There does seem to be an excess of blank space on this quarter, but as an island state, Hawaii can't really help it. I guess the only major thing I would change would be finding some way to put a volcano on the coin.
Rating: 15¢