Top Five Types Of Christmas Carols

1. Songs about Jesus
These Christmas carols remind us that the true purpose of this holiday is not to run around the mall trying to find the perfect present for relatives about whom you don't particularly care, but to honor the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, we sing "Away In A Manger" and "Joy To The World" and "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "We Three Kings" to commemorate the great miracle that took place 2,007 years ago today (except that it was probably more like 2,010 years ago and it may not have actually happened in late December, but we don't let minor details stand in our way).

2. Songs about Santa
Santa is Jesus' secular rival. Jesus may have died for our sins but Santa is still alive and well, spying on children all year long before hopping in his nine-reindeer-driven flying sleigh and making the rounds across planet Earth on Christmas Eve, hopping down chimneys, leaving presents (or coal) under trees, and snacking on more cookies and milk than he would care to see. We honor Santa through songs like "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Jolly Old St. Nicholas," and the utterly ridiculous "Santa Baby."

3. Songs that may have been fine for Dickensian England but don't make much sense in the 21st century
What's this song about the twelve days of Christmas? Last I checked, there was only one day and most people are back at work on December 26th. Who in today's society would think that 364 separate gifts including pipers piping, maids a-milking, drummers drumming, and a total of forty golden rings are a good idea? How many rings can you wear on ten fingers anyway? When's the last time you decided to decorate for the holiday by decking the halls the boughs of holly? I mean, who talks like that anymore? And when was the last time someone wished good tidings to you and your kin or brought you a figgy pudding?

4. Christmas songs that aren't really about Christmas at all
Songs like "Frosty The Snowman" and "Winter Wonderland" and "Jingle Bells" and "Sleigh Ride" get lumped into the category of Christmas carols, but when you actually listen to the words, you realize that they are generic winter songs that are just as applicable to mid-February as they are to late December. As a result, they are popular selections for public school holiday concerts, since it lets bored parents think they're hearing Christmas carols while school administrators relax, knowing the First Amendment remains intact.

5. Multicultural Christmas songs
For the Hispanic residents of our country (legal or not), we sing "Feliz Navidad." We recognize our 50th state by singing "Mele Kalikimaka." The Germans get "O Tannenbaum" and the French get "De Bon Matin." Ignorant people who don't realize that Hanukkah is actually a second-tier Jewish holiday and instead consider in the Jewish Christmas lump Hanukkah songs into this category. If I knew of any traditional Kwanzaa songs (which is difficult, given the limited tradition of the holiday itself) they'd belong here as well.