Besides, the accolade of being selected is far more important than actually playing in the game. A long season is over and road-weary players just want to spend time with their families. With the exception of the two Super Bowl teams, everyone else hung up their pads a minimum of three weeks before the season-ending exhibition. Did I mention that with all the rules the NFL imposes to prevent injuries, the game itself an absolute joke? The Pro Bowl is such a loser that the NFL now requires TV networks to cover it as a condition of broadcasting the Super Bowl.
As for Fred Taylor, Mario Williams, and everyone else who was snubbed, first ask yourself if you really want to go to this game anyway, and second, take solace in the fact that half the starters will drop out for various reasons over the next month and a half, opening a space for you after all. The night before last year's game, they were looking for any live body who could catch a flight to Hawaii in order to fill out the rosters.
The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.
Last Week: 7-9
Season To Date: 105-108-11
Best Bets: 10-5
Eliminator: 12-3 (Streak: W 3)
The Monkey: 8-5-2
Steelers (-7.5) over Rams
This one will be long, so bear with me. When my little brother was growing up, he used to go to hebrew school with this kid named Aaron Bass (who, for some inexplicable reason, we always called Evan Bass). This kid was a whiny brat and a total social misfit. When my brother went over to his house for the first (and last) time, Aaron Bass threw building blocks at him. Anyway, one year, my brother has this recurring case of strep throat. We tried to figure out where he got it from and eventually came to the conclusion that he caught it from Aaron Bass three or four times in the span of as many weeks. Fast forward to last Thursday night: I turned on the NFL Network to watch the Broncos-Texans game, and after a few minutes, I realized that I wasn't irritated by the play-by-play like I usually am. It turned out that Bryant Gumbel was scratched from the broadcast with a case of strep throat. I could actually enjoy listening to the game with substitute commentator Tom Hammond in the booth. So, if I could, I'd love to send Aaron Bass over the Gumbel household before this week's game as well. WIN
Cowboys (-10.5) over Panthers
Dallas fans have obtained a restraining order requiring Jessica Simpson to stay no less than five miles away from wherever the Cowboys are playing. LOSS
Jaguars (-13) over Raiders
The fact that not a single player from the Jacksonville Jaguars -- the fifth-best team in the NFL right now -- was named to the Pro Bowl is disgraceful. WIN
Chiefs (+4.5) over Lions
If I could be paid millions of dollars to come up with the same lack of results as Matt Millen, I would be living a dream. LOSS
Colts (-7) over Texans
When you think about it, the fact that a team could go 14-2 and yet is mathematically eliminated from the number one seed with two games left to play is unbelievable. WIN
Saints (-3) over Eagles
Brian Westbrook's game-sealing laydown left Chad Johnson to wonder why he can't garner similar anounts of praise for not scoring touchdowns. LOSS
Bills (+3) over Giants
His lackluster performance in last week's crucial division game demonstrates that Eli Manning plays the Peyton Manning role perfectly. LOSS
Packers (-8.5) over Bears
I'd like everyone who was clamoring for the Aaron Rodgers era to start near the end of last season to raise their hands. Anyone? Anyone? Not so high and mighty anymore now, are we? LOSS
Browns (-3) over Bengals
Unlike the Jets, the Browns managed to fill their head coaching job with a former Patriots defensive coordinator who's actually capable of winning games. LOSS
Cardinals (-10) over Falcons
Memo to those boneheads on the Falcons with the t-shirts last week: You can break out your "Free Mumia" gear, since it's arguable that he never got a fair trial. (Though that was so 1999.) But Michael Vick voluntarily pled guilty to dogfighting charges knowing that the offense carried a statutory maximum penalty of five years. For you to suggest that there was some miscarriage of justice in Vick's case trivializes the plight of those people who actually are screwed over by the system. LOSS
Bucs (-6) over 49ers
Since the Pats own San Francisco's draft pick, it might behoove Bill Belichick to supply the Bucs with some special footage of the Niners' defensive signals, if you know what I mean. LOSS
Jets (+8.5) over Titans
When they print the NFL standings, the New York Post puts an asterisk next to the Patriots with the notation "caught cheating." They should also put an asterisk next to the Jets with the notation "caught sucking." WIN
Seahawks (E) over Ravens
When someone else avoids the moniker of "Worst Team Ever" by beating you, it clearly is not your year. WIN
Patriots (-22) over Dolphins
While I really wanted to see a 14-0 team play an 0-14 team, the Dolphins' win last week means they have absolutely nothing else to play for. LOSS
Vikings (-6.5) over Redskins
Sean Taylor was posthumously elected a starter for the Pro Bowl, barely edging out Mel Carnahan and Patsy Mink for the slot. LOSS
Broncos (+8.5) over Chargers
Denver's completely unpredictable season continues, though last week I managed to correctly predict a game of theirs for only the second time since Week Four. LOSS
BEST BET: Browns (-3) over Bengals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Arizona Cardinals WIN
THE MONKEY: Cardinals (-10) over Falcons LOSS
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