Least Of Four Evils?

One week from tomorrow is election day in Massachusetts. Our governor's seat is up for grabs, since incumbent Mitt Romney has declined to run for a second term. For those of you who have been living under a rock, as a public service, It's A Magical World presents a quick digest of the four gubernatorial candidates, some of whom are more mediocre than others.

Deval Patrick, Democrat
The clear favorite to win the election, "Free-Em-All" Deval is supported by 95 percent of articulate rapists and 87 percent of maximum security prisoners who demand hot meals and privacy for, um, sexual release. Too bad they can't vote. With Patrick in office, you can be assured of a whole new host of spending and social programs (though our lame-duck Republican governor has done a pretty good job of that himself) . Patrick represents the common man in the fight against the evil multi-millionaire corporate fat cats that he doesn't want you to know he actually is.

Kerry Healey, Republican
The sitting lieutenant governor is a self-hating woman who borrowed the Republicans' national playbook for use in her campaign. She developed a 50-point plan to describe what she would do as governor. However, there are two problems with her approach: (1) 50 line items are 47 too many for the short attention spans of the American public (2) what flies in the red states doesn't work too well here, meaning that stemming the flow of illegal immigrants and fighting the war on terror doesn't really galvanize people in the Bay State.

Christy Mihos, Independent
The disgruntled former board member of the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority who can't control the volume of his own voice has a laundry list of programs to cut taxes and proposals to curb spending. However, even fiscally conservative free-market capitalists like myself realize that his brilliant ideas are largely unworkable. Mihos is seemingly in the race just to piss people off, and it seems like he's doing a pretty good job of it. He's also injected a sense of humor into the race. Recognizing the inevitablility of a Patrick victory and four years of tax-and-spend thanks to a Democratic supermajority in the state legislature, I'm making a statement vote for Christy next week.

Grace Ross, Green-Rainbow
As her official campaign biography points out, Ross is a white lesbian living in Worcester. You could pretty much figure that out on her own, except the part about Worcester. I would have guessed Cambridge. Ross and her trademark floral-print muu-muu appeal to those voters who find Deval Patrick too conservative, meaning that her support is limited to pockets in the 02138 and 01060 ZIP codes. Otherwise, this campaign is going nowhere fast. And as an aside, is there some rule that members of the left-of-left socialist-type parties forfeit their party affiliation if they appear in public wearing anything but disheveled-looking thrift-store outfits? Just asking.

Well, when you go to the polls next Tuesday, choose wisely. With these four on the ballot, you can't go right. Enjoy the next four years.

Tis The Season (Already!)

It is 2:02 p.m., Eastern Standard Time, on Sunday, October 29th, and I just saw the season's first Christmas-themed television advertisement, a good 57 days before the holiday. You would think that they could at least wait until after Halloween.

Putting On The Ritz

I just returned from San Francisco, where a law firm (that shall remain anonymous) spent approximately $1600 to fly me out and interview me. The hotel where the put me up? The Ritz-Carlton of San Francisco, right on the crest of Nob Hill. Now, being a thrifty person by nature (a money obsession I inherited from my mother's side of the family), I'm a firm believer that all hotel rooms look exactly the same when you're sleeping, and therefore, I'm never one to splurge for amenities beyond a satisfactory location and a minimal threshold of cleanliness. However, when thrown in the lap of luxury at no cost to me, I am willing to allow myself to make the most of it. Here's why the Ritz is so awesome:

Bed - The ultra plush feather-padded king bed was fitted with four pillows of varying shapes, sizes, and firmnesses on each side. It may have been my imagination, but the left side seemed softer than the right, so that any picky sleeper could find somewhere comfortable.

Amenities - Let's start with the TV. It's a 32-inch flat-panel high-definition screen. The bathroom had two sinks, an oversized shower head, and all the freebies you could desire (razor with shaving cream, toothbrush with toothpaste, emery board, mouthwash, cotton balls, cotton swabs, Bulgari branded soap and shampoo and conditioner and body lotion, shower cap, sewing kit, shoeshine kit, laundry detergent). There are three telephones in the room. There are also two terry-cloth bathrobes and an umbrella.

Perks - You could use the provided iron or shoeshine kit to freshen up for your day. Or, you could get the staff to do it for you. On check-in, I was given a coupon for free pressing of two garments. I called guest services at 11 p.m. and they sent a valet down to my room to pick up my suit. I told her that I needed it back by 8:30 a.m. the next morning, and right on time, there it was. In the meanwhile, I came across the complimentary shoeshine bag, which included directions stating that if you put shoes in the bag and hang it on your doorknob before midnight, your shoes would be shined and returned before 6 a.m. When I checked the door the next morning, there they were, along with three newspapers (San Francisco Chronicle, USA Today, Wall Street Journal).

Service - The staff of the Ritz were dedicated to service, calling me by name and constantly asking what they could do to improve my stay. I ordered room service breakfast for the morning of the interview, and the waiter barraged me with a constant stream of questions: Did you get all the newspapers you wanted? Where would you like me to set up the table? Do you want me to open the curtains? Would you like me to take the covers off your plates? The night before I left, a guest service representative left a voicemail for me, thanking me for my stay and asking if I needed bellhop or car service for the next morning. I really got the sense that no request could be too big nor too small. These were extremely well-trained, professional people who did not break a sweat in meeting my every whim and desire.

Even with the law firm job that will kick me up several tax brackets, I don't know if I could ever justify $300 plus tax for a night in a hotel. Maybe if I had someone special that I wanted to treat to an amazing experience, I'd consider the Ritz. Maybe the law firm lifestyle includes staying in such places when on business trips. But for 48 hours, I had the chance to live the good life. It was awesome.

Playing The Spread, Week 8

It is time to resurrect a popular midseason Playing the Spread tradition: the coaching carousel. In this space, somewhere around Week 8, I predict which head coaches are in serious danger of losing their position before the season ends. This year’s edition is more difficult than usual, since most of the teams doing poorly are led by rookie or sophomore coaches, who generally get a free pass on the coaching carousel, but some prime candidates nevertheless exist.

Dennis Green, Cardinals - Someone needs to explain to me how a head coach can still be employed, when his team, under his watchful eye, goes 12-27, then blows a 20-point lead against the Chicago Bears, despite a defense that made six takeaways and didn't allow a touchdown.

Mike Sherman, Packers - They need to shake things up in Green Bay, which means that either Brett Favre or Mike Sherman needs to go, now. Guess what? It ain't gonna be Favre.

Art Shell, Raiders - Generally speaking, a first-year head coach should be safe from the firing line. However, when your boss is Emperor Al Davis and it's your second chance at the job, all bets are off.

Matt Millen, Lions - So he's not actually a head coach, but the revolving door of wide receiver first-round draft picks and the .253 winning percentage during his tenure should be grounds for immediate termination. Oh, and the fact he was thoroughly unqualified for the job to begin with.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 5-7-1
Season to date: 54-40-6
Best bets: 2-5
Eliminator: 6-1 (Streak: L 1)

Eagles (-7) over Jaguars
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Two weeks ago, we were talking about the Jags as a possible Super Bowl dark horse. On Sunday, they lost to the Texans, which, in my mind, effectively disqualifies you from being mentioned in the same sentence as the Super Bowl. LOSS

Falcons (+4.5) over Bengals
Little known fact: Chad Johnson and the WWE's Viscera use the same hairstylist. WIN

Packers (-3.5) over Cardinals
It's the last week of October, which is right about the time that the tundra at Lambeau Field starts to freeze. Enjoy the last week of the Dennis Green era in Arizona. WIN

Titans (-3) over Houston
It is written into the NFL rulebook that the Houston Texans are entitled one and only one major upset each year. They used it up last week against Jacksonville. Oh well, I guess they're used to 4-12 by now. WIN

Chiefs (-6) over Seahawks
In the battle of the backups, I'll take Damon Huard over Seneca Wallace any day. WIN

Saints (-2) over Ravens
New Orleans' 5-1 start is much less impressive when you consider that the games are rigged as part of the Bush administration's election year ploy to make everyone forget about Hurricane Katrina. LOSS

Bucs (+9) over Giants
Who cares if it took the third-longest kick in NFL history? Tampa Bay has officially turned their season around. WIN

Bears (-16.5) over 49ers
There are some teams out there that are truly charmed. When your QB has the worst day of his short career and your offense can't even score a touchdown, yet you manage to bounce back from a 20-point deficit, you know you are a Team of Destiny. Super Bowl or bust! WIN

Rams (+10) over Chargers
There is no truth to the rumor that while Shawn Merriman is serving his drug suspension, the Chargers will be filling the roster spot with Barry Bonds. LOSS

Jets (+2) over Browns
Interesting matchup here, since the two head coaches in this game were the last two defensive coordinators for the Patriots. I'll go with the team that has managed to stay relevant thusfar during the season. LOSS

Broncos (-3) over Colts
Please, Denver, knock off the Colts at Mile High this weekend so we can be spared the endless media obsession with "Can Peyton Manning lead his team to an undefeated season!" But if Denver can't do the job, I'm sure the Pats will be licking their chops while waiting in the wings for next Sunday. LOSS

Raiders (+9) over Steelers
After the Raiders finally notched a win last Sunday, the 1974 Buccaneers were able to pop the champagne. Can lightning strike twice? With Charlie Batch lining up under center for the opponents, quite possibly. WIN

Panthers (-5.5) over Cowboys
If you had third quarter of Week 7 in your Tony Romo pool, then you win. While I think Drew Bledsoe sucks, he's still a good guy who deserves better. Didn't hear much from T.O. this week. LOSS

Patriots (-2) over Vikings
I've heard the term "silent assassins" bandied about to describe the Pats. It seems rather appropriate. With a depleted wide receiver corps, Minnesota will have to rely on the run game. New England will counter with Richard Seymour. And Vince Wilfork. And Mike Vrabel. And Tedy Bruschi. And Junior Seau. And Ty Warren. And Rosevelt Colvin. WIN

BEST BET: Jets (+2) over Browns (selected manually this time) LOSS
ELIMINATOR: New York Giants WIN

Vote Yes on 1

In Massachusetts, this November's election will feature a ballot initiative which would enable cities and towns to grant alcohol licenses to grocery stores that wish to sell wine. I am unequivocally in favor of this measure. To date, I have only heard three reasons why people should oppose this measure.

1. Drunk driving rates are lower in states prohibiting wine sales in grocery stores
Opponents to this initiative point to a statistics that drunk driving deaths per 100,000 people in Massachusetts are half what they are in the 37 states that allow wine sales in convenience stores. But this statistic merely reflects the fact that Massachusetts has one of the nation's lower drunk driving rates to begin with. Population density (and the resulting public transportation networks) is far more indicative of drunk driving rates than whether the state allows wine sales in grocery stores.

2. Grocery stores are somehow inherently less capable of enforcing minimum age laws
You hear the argument that liquor store clerks are better trained in enforcing these laws. But seriously, how hard can it be? If the patron appears remotely close to age 21, ask for a driver's license, look at the little birthdate, do the math and decide whether the year is before or after 1985, and if you're really suspicious, hold the license up to the light and look for the hologram. The state has made this determination ever easier to perform, since licenses of people under 21 are now printed vertically. Even if you don't trust your clerk to perform this rudimentary judgment call, you can require a birthdate to be typed into the register before the sale goes forward.

But wait, grocery stores in Massachusetts can already sell wine! The present regulation just limits the number of licenses one entity can hold to three. Therefore, the good folks at Stop & Shop, Shaw's, and Trader Joe's can sell wine already -- they just need to choose which three stores should offer such sales. Present practice proves that allowing wine sales in grocery store hasn't in fact caused every single person with a driver's license to be overcome by the irresistable urge to chug a bottle or two of Yellowtail Shiraz and immediately climb behind the wheel of a car for a little Grand Theft Auto-style pedestrian rampage.

3. Allowing grocery stores to sell wine will cut into the profits from the liquor store monopoly
Ah, there we have it.

Cultural Insensitivity

Watching last night's episode of The Amazing Race, I literally cringed at what I saw was extremely disrespecful behavior by Lyn and Karlyn. In Kuwait City, one of the single moms from Alabama went up to an Arab man in full kaffiyeh and dishdasha, putting her hand on his back in an effort to persuade him not to assist another team. The man was visibly bothered by this gesture and in a great show of restraint, just kept walking instead of lashing out at her. Adding insult to injury, Karlyn (or was it Lyn?) was wearing a sleeveless blouse, which is extremely revealing by the standards of the Arab world. I suppose the equivalent would be a topless woman coming up to me on the streets of Cambridge and patting my butt. (Only thing is, I really wouldn't mind.)

When I was in Cairo, I made a special effort to abide by the customs of the host country, which meant wearing pants, despite the 100-degree temperatures and the heat rash I developed. While it is not necessarily indiscrete for men to wear shorts, it's just something that's rarely done in Egyptian society, and I strongly believe is the concept of "When in Rome." It bothered me to see so many female Western tourists in shorts and tank tops. I am sure their attire was chosen out of ignorance rather than as an affront, but either way, the disrespect was striking.

Top Five Sports Brawls

Acknowledging the inevitable recent history bias, this list is limited to the period between 1990 and the present.

1. Red Sox- Yankees, October 2003
With the series tied 1-1, Pedro Martinez plunked Yankees outfielder Karim Garcia in the back with a fastball. Words were exchanged and threats were made. The next inning, Manny Ramirez took an exception to a high fastball by Roger Clemens and proceeded to charge the mound. The benches emptied and an all-out brawl ensured. The defining moment was when Pedro Martinez taunted 72-year-old Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer. Zimmer took a swing at Martinez, who grabbed him by the head and tossed him to the ground. As a postscript, Garcia and Jeff Nelson got into a fight with a Fenway Park groundskeeper in the bullpen during the ninth inning.

2. Pacers-Pistons, November 2004
So this brawl might make the list if it were limited to the events that took place on the court. With the game in hand, Ron Artest made a hard foul on Ben Wallace, who pushed Artest in retaliation. An all-out altercation ensued and Artest escaped, climbing onto the scorer's table and lying down. One of the disgusted fans threw a cup at Artest, who snapped, climbing into the stands to slug the fan who he mistakenly thought had thrown the cup. Other Pacers followed him into the seats. Another fan charged the court to confront Jermaine O'Neal and was met with a point-blank forearm shot to his face.

3. Miami-Florida International, October 2006
First of all, FIU has no business picking a fight with Miami. But Miami, knowing it's the superior team, needs to just shut up and rise above the nonsense. Scoring a touchdown against FIU is no reason to go preening in the end zone. The FIU players evidently took exception, charging the holder after the ensuing PAT. A melee broke out, punctuated by Anthony Reddick swinging his helmet while rushing toward the fray. Players were stomped on while lying on the ground and crutches were also used as a weapon. This brawl might be remembered for Miami's rather gutless response: suspending 12 players for a single game, against ACC doormat Duke. Enlightening commentary (by which I mean classless trash talking) was provided by sportscaster and former Hurricane Lamar Thomas.

4. Holyfield-Bowe (Fan Man), November 1993
During the seventh round of the heavyweight title fight between Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield, a paraglider wearing a fan on his back coasted into the outdoor ring at Caesars Palace. One of his legs became trapped in the ropes. For reasons I have yet to understand, members of both boxers' camps as well as spectators sitting ringside believed that Fan Man's grand entrance gave them full liberty to rush the ring and beat the living daylights out of him. A distracted Bowe went on to lose the heavyweight championship.

5. Knicks-Heat, May 1997 and April 1998
In Game 5 of the second round of the playoffs, P.J. Brown became upset at Charlie Ward's attempt to box him out while chasing a rebound. Brown responded by flipping Ward over his head and body-slamming him. A melee broke out with numerous Knicks players leaving the bench and receiving one-game suspensions. The suspensions caused the Knicks to play shorthanded for the last two games of the playoff series, both of which they lost, leading to their elimination. When the teams met again in the following year's postseason, Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson got into a fight that diminuitive coach Jeff Van Gundy tried to break up by grabbing onto Mourning's leg and being dragged across the court.

Playing The Spread, Week 7

A hearty Playing The Spread welcome goes out to all of you joining me for week seven of the NFL season. But if you're not joining me this week, well, I can understand why. You see, the last full week of October traditionally corresponds with a lull in interest in the NFL. With six weeks gone, teams have sorted themselves out into various categories: the teams to beat (Chicago, Indy, Denver), the hopeful (St. Louis, Jacksonville), the mediocre (Buffalo, Minnesota), the hopeless (Arizona, Detroit), and the Raiders. While some amazing success stories are still ongoing (New Orleans), we're beyond the point where major surprises are going to pop up. Playoff races will heat up in a month or so, but for the time being it's all about holding down the fort.

Perhaps another reason for this annual lull is the one sporting event that might actually eclipse the NFL in national interest. I speak, of course, of the World Series. Admittedly, baseball is not the national passion it once was, but it is still formidable enough a rival that the NFL opts to yield the stage to Game Two on Sunday night, rather than trying to throw a marquee matchup on TV in competition.

Hopefully the Detroit Tigers will make quick work of the St. Louis Cardinals and by time next weekend rolls around, football will once again be squarely in the forefront of the American consciousness, notwithstanding the pockets of Appalachia that care only for the NASCAR Chase for the Cup and the upper reaches of Minnesota (and Revere) that actually follow the NHL's interminable grind toward the protracted postseason.

As always, the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers (though you'd probably be leading your league if you disobey my advice).

Last week: 7-6
Season to date: 49-33-5
Best bets: 2-4
Eliminator: 6-0

Patriots (-5.5) over Bills
Why will this game be much more of a landslide than the first Pats-Bills meeting? (1) New England has cobbled together some semblance of a passing game (2) Bill Belichick has already seen Buffalo play this season (3) the Bills just lost to the Lions. WIN

Chargers (-5) over Chiefs
Remember what I said about Damon Huard being the hottest quarterback in the NFL right now? Yeah, um, forget that. LOSS

Jets (-3.5) over Lions
The Detroit Lions must be thrilled that the Tigers are in the World Series, since the entire city doesn't really care how badly the Lions are playing now. The Jets, meanwhile, are trying to give New York sports fans something to cheer about, seeing as how both baseball teams have failed in that regard. (Carlos Beltran, caught looking on an 0-2 pitch, bases loaded, bottom of the ninth, rookie pitcher. Wow. Awesome.) WIN

Dolphins (-5) over Packers
As long as Joey Harrington continues to start for the "injured" Daunte Culpepper, Miami has a fighting chance of winning a game or two. Had they not decided to play it safe with a chip-shot 51-yard field goal instead of going for the first down on 4th and 2, they might have actually pulled off the upset against the Jets last week. LOSS

Falcons (+2.5) over Steelers
Enjoy the last full week of Michael Vick before he suffers his annual career-endangering injury next Sunday. You heard it here first. WIN

Eagles (-5) over Bucs
I give Bruce Gradkowski (who I called Brad two weeks ago -- sorry!) much credit for a terrific game-winning drive last week, though perhaps he really needs to share that credit with Mike Carey. I'm not quite ready to anoint him the next Phil Simms, though he makes a better case than, well, Chris Simms. LOSS

Jaguars (-9.5) over Houston
Now that the dirty bomb threat thankfully has been dispelled, the only blowout taking place this Sunday in Houston will be at the hands of the Jaguars. LOSS

Panthers (+3) over Bengals
After a decisive loss to the Pats and a last-minute comeback loss to the Bucs, Cincy appears like they're back to their old tricks. TIE

Broncos (-4.5) over Browns
Much of their schedule thus far has featured patsies, but the fact that the Broncos have yielded but a single TD in their first five games is nonetheless an amazing feat. WIN

Cardinals (-3) over Raiders
Dennis Green needs to send a bouquet of flowers to the folks who make the NFL schedules. After Monday night's debacle, Green desperately needs a win this week to save his job. Fortunately for him, the Raiders are the one team the Cards might actually be able to beat. LOSS

Vikings (+6.5) over Seahawks
Who needs a running back when your kicker is automatic from 50 yards out in the fourth quarter? Let's just say that had Shawn Alexander been in the game last week, Josh Brown could have remained comfortably seated on the bench. WIN

Redskins (+9) over Colts
Don't you think that Clinton Portis is just salivating at the chance to face the league's worst run defense? LOSS

Cowboys (-3.5) over Giants
In his constant quest to find something to complain about, even in light of three touchdowns, Terrell Owens has taken issue with the paltry number of passes thrown his way in the first half, claiming he gets bored. Why Parcells puts up with this nonsense, I have no idea. LOSS

BEST BET: (randomly selected once again) Chargers (-5) over Chiefs LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Jacksonville Jaguars LOSS

List Of Stadiums I've Visited

Stadiums are grouped by sport and listed by their name at the time of my initial visit. Stadiums denoted by an asterisk are either no longer open or are no longer used as a stadium for that league. Only stadiums where I've actually seen a game are included; stadiums which I visited while empty are not listed.

Major League Baseball
Fenway Park, Boston (Boston Red Sox)
Yankee Stadium, Bronx, N.Y. (New York Yankees)
Shea Stadium, Flushing, N.Y. (New York Mets)
Veterans Stadium, Philadelphia* (Philadelphia Phillies)
Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore (Baltimore Orioles)
Olympic Stadium, Montreal* (Montreal Expos)
Comerica Park, Detroit (Detroit Tigers)
Tropicana Field, St. Petersburg, Fla. (Tampa Bay Devil Rays)
Minute Maid Park, Houston (Houston Astros)
Pacific Bell Park (now AT&T Park), San Francisco (San Francisco Giants)
Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (now McAfee Coliseum), Oakland, Calif. (Oakland Athletics)
Angel Stadium, Anaheim, Calif. (Anaheim Angels)

Minor League Baseball
McCoy Stadium, Pawtucket, R.I. (Pawtucket Red Sox - AAA)
LeLacheur Park, Lowell, Mass. (Lowell Spinners - Short Season A)

National Football League
Sullivan Stadium (later Foxboro Stadium), Foxboro, Mass.* (New England Patriots)
Gillette Stadium, Foxboro, Mass. (New England Patriots)
Cleveland Municipal Stadium, Cleveland* (Cleveland Browns)
Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, N.J. (New York Jets)

National Basketball Association
Boston Garden, Boston* (Boston Celtics)
FleetCenter (now TD BankNorth Garden), Boston (Boston Celtics)

National Hockey League
Boston Garden, Boston* (Boston Bruins)
FleetCenter (now TD BankNorth Garden), Boston (Boston Bruins)

Minor League Hockey
Tsongas Arena, Lowell, Mass. (Lowell Lock Monsters - AHL)
Dunkin' Donuts Center, Providence, R.I. (Providence Bruins - AHL)

Professional Soccer
AllianzArena, Munich (FC Bayern Munich, TSV 1860 Munich)
Foxboro Stadium, Foxboro, Mass.* (New England Revolution, U.S. National Team, 1994 World Cup)
Gillette Stadium, Foxboro, Mass. (New England Revolution)
Estádio São Januário, Rio de Janeiro (C.R. Vasco da Gama)
University of Richmond Stadium, Richmond, Va. (Richmond Kickers - A-League)

College Football
Harvard Stadium, Allston, Mass. (Harvard University)
Brown Stadium, Providence, R.I. (Brown University)
Yale Bowl, New Haven, Conn. (Yale University)
Wein Stadium at Baker Field, New York (Columbia University)

College Basketball
Pizzitola Center, Providence, R.I. (Brown University)
Lavietes Pavilion, Allston, Mass. (Harvard University)
Leede Arena, Hanover, N.H. (Dartmouth College)
Levien Gymnasium, New York (Columbia University)
Newman Arena, Ithaca, N.Y. (Cornell University)
The Palestra, Philadelphia (University of Pennsylvania)
Jadwin Gymnasium, Princeton, N.J. (Princeton University)
Providence Civic Center (now Dunkin' Donuts Center), Providence, R.I. (Providence College)
Ryan Center, Kingston, R.I. (University of Rhode Island)
Conte Forum, Chestnut Hill, Mass. (Boston College)
Cabot Gymnasium, Boston (Northeastern University)
Gampel Pavilion, Storrs, Conn. (University of Connecticut)
Detrick Gymnasium, New Britain, Conn. (Central Connecticut State University)
FleetCenter (now TD BankNorth Garden), Boston (NCAA Championships First Round)

College Hockey
Meehan Auditorium, Providence, R.I. (Brown University)
Bright Center, Allston, Mass. (Harvard University)
Conte Forum, Chestnut Hill, Mass. (Boston College)
Tully Forum (now Chelmsford Forum), Chelmsford, Mass.* (University of Massachusetts-Lowell)
Tsongas Arena, Lowell, Mass. (University of Massachusetts-Lowell)
FleetCenter (now TD BankNorth Garden), Boston (Hockey East Championships)
Matthews Arena, Boston (AWCHA Championships)

Professional Wrestling
Boston Garden, Boston*
Worcester Centrum (now DCU Center), Worcester, Mass.
FleetCenter (now TD BankNorth Garden), Boston
Mohegan Sun Arena, Uncasville, Conn.

Top Five Music Videos

This list is limited to one man's personal favorites. I have seen nowhere close to every music video ever made and do not profess to be anything near an expert on the subject, so don't write back and ask why such-and-such didn't make my list.

1. Thriller, Michael Jackson
This video is an epic. Presented as a mini-movie, it redefined the genre. Nobody performs like Michael Jackson did before he got weird. Besides, you just can't top dancing zombies.


2. Fell In Love With A Girl, The White Stripes
Mad props to the genius who decided to make an entire video using legos and stop-motion videography.


3. Crazy, Aerosmith
I could nominate any of the triumverate of "Get A Grip" videos featuring Alicia Silverstone, but the prize goes to the song where she's joined by Liv Tyler in the roles of truant schoolgirls who strip down to their underwear and go frolicking around town.


4. Buddy Holly, Weezer
Any video with the Fonz makes my list. This video marvelously manages to splice Weezer into footage from the show Happy Days. It's so seemless that if you didn't know better, you'd think Weezer actually made a guest appearance on the show back in the 1970's.



5. Rock D.J., Robbie Williams
I figure that if I put "Crazy" on the list, I need something for the ladies out there. If you think Robbie Williams has finished his striptease in this rather disturbing video, you'd be wrong. He's just getting started.


Honorable Mention: Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
A classic video in which one of the greatest rock bands of all time is at its epic finest.

Sports Teams With Numbered Nicknames

The following is a list of all the professional and collegiate sports teams, past and present, who use numbers as their team nickname. This list, while intended to be thorough, might not be exhaustive.

San Francisco 49ers (NFL) - Named after the prospectors who migrated to California during the 1849 gold rush

Philadelphia 76ers (NBA) - Nickname derives from the 1776 signing of the Declaration of Independence, which took place in Philadelphia

Houston Colt .45s (NL) - The original name of the Houston Astros, used from 1962-64; name was changed in 1965 in part because of objections by the Colt Firearms Company over novelties being sold with their brand name

Las Vegas 51s (PCL) - The AAA affiliate of the Los Angeles Dodgers; took its current nickname in 2001, in reference to the military testing grounds in Nevada called Area 51

Inland Empire 66ers (CL) - The Dodgers' A affiliate plays in San Bernadino and is named after the historic Route 66, which ran through that city

Houston 1836 (MLS) - Nickname was supposed to commemorate the 1836 founding of Houston, but the team was forced to change it before operations began since Mexican-American's objected to the connotation of the year Texas achieved independence from Mexico; team is now the Houston Dynamo

Vancouver 86ers (USL) - Nickname commemorates both the 1886 founding of Vancouver and the 1986 founding of the soccer team, now a member of the United Soccer League's first division; since 2001, team has been known as the Vancouver Whitecaps

Tulsa 66ers (NBADL) - NBA developmental team moved from Asheville to Tulsa in 2005 and named itself after the historic highway

Southern Georgia 36'ers (ABA) - Nickname derives from 1836, the year that the club's home city of Albany, Ga. was founded

Charlotte 49ers (NCAA) - Nickname was adopted by students because the University of North Carolina at Charlotte almost closed its doors in 1949; uniforms display gold mining motifs despite the fact that North Carolina has not had a substantial gold mining industry since the early 19th century

Long Beach State 49ers (NCAA) - Nickname is a reference to both the 1849 California gold rush and the 1949 founding of the university

Top Five Objections To The New HLS 1L Curriculum

For those of you who haven't heard, the faculty of Harvard Law School unanimously passed (an incredible feat in and of itself for which Dean Elena Kagan deserves great praise) an overhaul of the 1L curriculum. It is the first major change to the curriculum in over a century. The changes are as follows:
- A new course in statutory and regulatory law and policy
- A new course in legal problem solving, to be conducted during a month-long winter term
- A choice among three new courses in various topics pertaining to international law
- Shortening (but not eliminating) the five traditional doctrinal courses: civil procedure, contracts, torts, property, and criminal law

I applaud the ambition of the faculty and a willingness to break the mold. I also applaud the addition of a statutory law class, seeing as how it reflects the realities of the modern legal state, where judicially-created common law has been in many places supplanted by statutory law. It will be a tremendous foundation for students wishing to take specialized regulatory law classes. It will also teach 1L's the canons of statutory interpretation -- an important topic conspicuously absent from the current curriculum.

However, I would like to raise five objections, some of which are admittedly more valid than others, and some of which are based merely on my skepticism.

1. Too much to handle
As the plans currently stand, these three new courses will be added to the existing curriculum of five doctrinal courses, two semesters of Legal Research and Writing, and a second-semester upper-class elective. Eleven classes over the school year is a lot. Don't tell me that the doctrinal classes will be less intense, since they'll only be three credit hours instead of five. There's really not that much difference in the amount of work an a weekly basis. (The doctrinal classes now are five credit hours, but only meet for four hours a week, making up the extra time by running two or three weeks longer than the rest of the courses. While the total class hours won't rise, I believe that mastering a lot of material on three subjects is easier than mastering slightly less material on five subjects.

2. Why include international law?
I really don't believe international law is such an important part to being a well-rounded lawyer. It is true that the economy is becoming increasingly globalized. However, only a small fraction of America's law school grads will go on to pursue jobs where they are working with companies that transcend international frontiers. Granted, this percentage is much higher at a place like Harvard, where most of the graduates go on to work in large, corporate firms, but still, not everyone should go that route. Instead of making it a requirement, it should be a strongly recommended but still optional upperclass elective.

3. What to drop?
Frankly put, I don't trust the professors who teach doctrinal subjects to effectively parse their course in order to fit in into a shorter timeframe. The tendency is always to teach the same amount of material, just more quickly. I would nominate all the extra-judicial policy analysis and the lessons on antiquated and obsolete precedent (Pennoyer v. Neff, anyone?) as candidates for ejection. Teach me what the law is, but don't waste my time teaching me why the law is the way it is. The problem is that most professors enjoy the policy analysis much more than the actual doctrine, so I suspect it will be hard for them to let go.

4. Tradi-tion!
At the conclusion of my first year, I read One-L by Scott Turow, which detailed his exploits as a student at HLS back in the 1970's. Aside from the fact that civil procedure and contracts were cut from a full year to a semester, his curriculum was exactly the same as mine: five doctrinal classes, Legal Writing, First-Year Ames Moot Court, second semester elective, and exams in January. As best I understand, it's been largely the same thing since the 19th century. I honestly believe that the common ordeal through which all HLS grads navigate binds us together across generations. With the revised curriculum, that unity is threatened.

5. No post-Christmas finals
Most students would not list this item as a complaint, but I do. When my first semester concluded, I had three full weeks to review my materials, make my outlines, do practice exams, and get ready for my first go at exams. Law school exams are a scary thing, and while I believe I overprepared in many instances, I'd rather have had too much time than not enough. There was no need for me to start my exam prep while classes were still in session. I could wait for the instruction phase to end before the review phase began. Next year's 1L's will not have that luxury. Some would claim that having exams on your mind when you're at home during the Christmas holidays is a drag. I didn't care because I'm Jewish and I'm already at home, so I had nothing to be spoiled. I need to hear more about this January Legal Problem Solving course before I pass judgment on it, but I have a sneaky suspicion it would fit in much better if it were integrated with Legal Research and Writing (call the combined course Legal Methods) than if it were to stand on its own.

Playing The Spread, Week 6

With the possible exception of Paris Hilton, Terrell Owens gets more unwarranted media attention than any other person in this country. Why are we so enthralled with every twist and turn in this man's life. He's just a football player. More importantly, why are we giving this attention whore exactly what he's hoping he gets? The answer is because we find it entertaining. I don't know if it's schadenfreunde or just the fact that we can't believe a person can be so outrageous, but by golly, all this T.O. stuff is just plain fun.

Among the most recent T.O. news is that he's planning on writing a children's book, starring Little T, a character obviously based on himself, who needs to learn how to share his football with others in order to play. It's A Magical World has obtained an advance copy of the book and would like to share an excerpt with my faithful readers.

Mother: Little T, here's a football for you. But in order to play football, you need to go find someone who wants to play with you.

Little Jeff: Hey there, Little T. I'll throw the ball to you!

Little T: No way, man. I'm not playing with someone who's gay.

Little Donovan: How about me, Little T? I'll play with you.

Little T: Hells no. All you'll end up doing is stand in the middle of the field, completely winded, throwing up. I want someone like Little Brett to play with me.

Little Drew: What do you say, Little T? Will you give me a chance?

Little T: Yeah, alright. (Little T and Little Drew play, but Little T only makes three catches.) Come on, man. Pull the damn trigger! Why the hell did you even bother asking me to play?

Little Drew: Not my fault, T. I'm dealing with a horrible pass rush here. I threw in your direction 15 times! The least you could do is make a move to try to catch the ball.

Little T: That's it. I'm not playing with you anymore. You can keep throwing to Little Lito if you want. See the candy I have in this little brown vial? I'm gonna eat all of it right now and you can't have any of it. (Eats "candy.") Oh, I don't feel so good. Waaaaah!

I guess it takes a child to write a children's book!

The following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers. Though if you used them for a parlay card last week, you'd be sitting mightily pretty right now.

Last week: 9-3-2
Season to date: 42-27-5
Best bets (more accurately, worst bets): 1-4
Eliminator: 5-0

Bengals (-5.5) over Bucs
The bye week gave Cincinnati a chance to rest, bail half their team out of jail, and regroup for this Sunday's game. LOSS

Giants (+3) over Falcons
The Giants finally discovered their defense last week, forcing the New York media to get off their backs and find another goat. Fortunately for the good folks at the Post and the Daily News, the Yankees were right there to fill the void. WIN

Titans (+10) over Redskins
The Titans led the Colts for 54 minutes last week and only ended up losing by one point. They must have been doing something right. Imagine what will happen when they play a team that's not all that great. WIN

Cowboys (-13) over Texans
With a pass interference call that gave the Cowboys the ball on the Eagles' six-yard-line with a chance to score the game-tying touchdown, everyone wondered how Drew Bledsoe would screw things up this time. In classic Bledsoe fashion, he threw the ball straight to Lito Sheppard, who returned it 102 yards for a touchdown to ice the game. The thing about Bledsoe, though, is that he tends not to screw things up that badly two weeks in row, particularly with the Big Tuna waiting to ream him out. WIN

Ravens (-3) over Panthers
The Ravens can surely play defense. They just can't score. Welcome back to the year 2000. LOSS

Bills (-1) over Lions
With three injuries among an offensive line that wasn't great to begin with, Detroit won't even have a 14-point lead to blow this week. LOSS

Rams (+3) over Seahawks
Ssshhh! It's a secret! The Rams are 4-1! Don't tell anyone! WIN

Eagles (-3) over Saints
Philly rose above the T.O. hype last week and demonstrated why they are the team to beat in the NFC East. I bet the Texans are kicking themselves every day for passing over Reggie Bush. LOSS

Jets (-2.5) over Dolphins
Before last week, I thought the Jets had climbed back into the realm of teams with an outside shot at contending for the playoffs. Then they lost 41-0 to the Jaguars. But unlike the Jets, there has never been any doubt about the incompetence of the Dolphins. WIN

Chiefs (+7) over Steelers
The momentum that the Steelers have managed to ride since winning the Super Bowl is starting to run. People are beginning to realize that the Steelers were a good but not great team that managed to overachieve for a few weeks last January. Come this January, I predict that KC will be in the playoffs while Pittsburgh will not. LOSS

Chargers (-10) over 24ers
After news broke that convenience store chain 7-11 bought the rights to the start times for Chicago White Sox games next season, rival chain Store 24 moved quickly to trump the deal by purchasing the nickname rights to the San Francisco 49ers. WIN

Raiders (+15) over Broncos
While I have no doubt that the Broncos will walk away with a victory in this game, I have trouble giving up more points than the Broncos have scored in all but one of their games this season. WIN

Bears (-10.5) over Cardinals
Since the inevitable comparisons to the 1985 Bears are already popping up, I say why not go all the way and let Brian Urlacher carry the ball in for a touchdown during the late stages of a Monday Night Football blowout? The Fridge would be proud. LOSS

BEST BET: Giants (+3) over Falcons (selected completely randomly this week, because I can't do much worse than what I've been doing so far) WIN
ELIMINATOR: Denver Broncos WIN

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Today is National Coming Out Day. I commend all my gay and lesbian brethren who have chosen this day to make the grand public announcement that they are, indeed, homosexual. I have the utmost respect for your courage.

But why must this wondeful occasion be limited to gays? Why can't straight people come out as well? And so, as a nod to equality, I'd like to publicly declare that as of today, I am a proud out-of-the-closet heterosexual. Watch out ladies, because I am on the prowl! Raaaaaaaaar!

Yankees Suck!

As the old expression goes, my two favorite teams are the Red Sox and whoever's playing the Yankees. Sadly, the Sox were knocked out of serious playoff contention a good month before the end of the season, so my only hope for a gratifying postseason would be to witness the Yanks undergo yet another of their epic October chokes. Boy, was I satisfied.


The Yanks spent $200 million on payroll this year, and what did it get them? Three straight losses to the Detroit Tigers -- the Detroit Tigers! -- a team that, three years ago, almost set the modern major league record for worst season ever. Alex Rodriguez, the 252-million-dollar man, got all of one hit in the four games. About the only thing clutch about A-Rod (or, as I prefer to call him, A-hole) are the opposing teams' hands around his neck. Of course, the rest of Yanks' offense wasn't any better. The best team money can buy couldn't buy themselves a run for a span of 20 consecutive innings. Beyond some guy from Taiwan that nobody had heard of a year ago, the Yankees' starting pitching was completely ineffective. Even Joe Torre, who has been largely spared George Steinbrenner's anti-managerial rage thusfar in his career, appears to be on the chopping block (to be replaced by Sweet Lou Pinella, a man that The Boss had fired back in 1988).

Frankly, at this point, I don't really care who wins the World Series. I hope it's not the Mets, but then again, having their crosstown rivals win the championship would piss the Yankees fans off even more. The best part is that, for another whole year, we can chant "Two-oo-thou-sand!" when the Bronx Bombers come to Fenway Park.

Lost Segment From Dateline NBC

The following is a transcript of a segment of Dateline NBC's ongoing series "To Catch A Predator" that was left on the cutting room floor and never aired.

Voiceover:
This next man coming to the house is arriving in a black sedan with official government license plates. He goes by the screenname "Maf54" and has been communicating with our decoy, who he thinks is a 16-year-old boy for the past three weeks. In the chats, he asks the boy what he's wearing and tells the boy "I'd love to slip them off you and grab the one-eyed snake." Then, he tells the boy to "get a ruler and measure it for me."

The man, whose name is Mark and drove three hours from Palm Beach, Florida, parks the car and walks up to the front door. Before he arrives, the decoy, who is being played by a youthful looking 19-year-old actor, pokes his head out the front door.

Decoy (hidden camera footage): I'm so glad you came. I was just throwing these towels into the wash, so come on in and make yourself at home. I made some fudge and left it on the kitchen table, so help yourself.

Mark: Okay. The fudge you made looks delicious. I can't wait to try some.

Chris Hansen (walks in): I bet you didn't come all the way just to eat some fudge.

Mark: Actually, that's pretty much all I had in mind.

Hansen: So you drove three hours from Palm Beach and came to this young man's house just because he offered you a snack?

Mark: Yeah, and just to, you know, make a new friend, help him try to start a career in politics.

Hansen: Really? Because, according to your chat log, you talked about more than politics. You call him "your favorite young stud." You tell him you want to see his "cute butt bouncing in the air."

Mark: This is a set-up. This whole thing is being fabricated by the Democrats as a smear campaign. They want my seat and they'll do whatever it takes to get it.

Hansen: So you never told him that you "have a totally stiff wood now?" You never asked "is your little guy limp, or growing?" You never said "I am as hard as a rock, so tell me when yours reaches rock?" I have a full transcript of your chat right here. You said it.

Mark: Okay, I'll tell the truth. I am a gay American. I could never it say before because I'm a Republican and they'd kick me out of the party. Can't a man conduct a sex life in private?

Hansen: Not when it involves a child. How old did you think your "young stud" was?

Mark: In his mid 20's I guess?

Hansen: So if he's in his 20's, why did you tell him "you're too old to drink?" Why is he telling you about the first day of high school lacrosse practice? Why does he need to stop chatting because his mom is calling him?

Mark: Okay, here's the complete truth. I'm an alcoholic, and I've been keeping it a secret all these years. I was also molested by priests when I was a child. If you let me go, I'll check myself into rehab right away and deal with my problems. I'm not under arrest, right?

Hansen: No, I'm not a police officer and I'm not going to arrest you. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we're doing a hidden camera investigation on adults who try to meet young teens on the internet for sex. (cameramen step out) Anything you want to say to the cameras?

Mark: This will never appear on the air! I'll make sure my Republican friends sweep this under the rug. Your tape will never see the light of day!

Hansen: Well you're free to go.

Mark leaves the house, but he doesn't get far. Police officers are staked out in the yard and they move into position.

Police: Freeze! Get down on the ground! Put your hands behind your head!

Mark: I didn't do anything! I'm a gay alcoholic and if you let me go, I'll go straight to the detox center!

But the police don't let Mark go. Instead, they take him back to the station for booking, where they take his photograph and fingerprints. Before police have a chance to question Mark, however, a heavy-set man with white hair, who Mark refers to only as "Denny," arrives at the station. After Denny speaks with police for several minutes behind closed doors, Mark is released from custody. Inexplicably, he is never charged and never has to appear in court.

2006-07 NHL Season Preview

Who the hell cares?

Playing The Spread, Week 5

The exciting conclusion to last Sunday's Colts-Jets game, in which the Jets lateralled the ball eight times in a last-second bid for a game-winning touchdown, brought back memories of the 1983 Stanford-Cal game. However, it also provided intriguing insight into the genesis of the sport.

Football (the American version, that is) derived from rugby, a sport which, itself, has undergone drastically few changes over the past century. Watching a rugby match, you notice that the object is the same as in football -- drive the ball across the field and into your opponent's end zone. But unlike football, rugby prohibits the forward pass. The result is that ruggers try to run the ball upfield, and when they reach an impasse or are in the grasp of defenders trying to tackle them, they lateral the ball back to one of their teammates who hopefully has a different running lane, or, if necessary, just lay it on the ground, hoping that a teammate will pick it up before someone from the other team does. There are no downs -- play continues until the ball goes out of bounds, points are scored, or a foul is called.


The lateral rule is a relic of rugby that still exists in football. In 99% of the occasions where it's used, it's a simple means to effectuate a halfback toss sweep or a flea flicker. Rare is it that more than one lateral is made on a single play. But occasionally, we are treated to a series of laterals that, even if ultimately unsuccessful, catches the other team off-guard. We saw it in the Music City Miracle, we saw it in a Jaguars-Saints game a few years back, we saw in this past year's Alamo Bowl, we saw a horrible attempt at by the Panthers against the Vikings in Week 2, and we saw it with the Colts and Jets last week. It's a novelty, but like a Doug Flutie drop-kick PAT, it sometimes actually works.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers -- especially my best bets.

Last week: 8-5-1
Season to date: 33-24-3
Best bets: An atrocious 1-3
Eliminator: 4-0

Patriots (-9.5) over Dolphins
Some so-called experts picked the Dolphins to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. Well, guess what? They're 1-3, they're averaging 12.8 points per game, and they lost to the Houston Texans. WIN

Saints (-6.5) over Bucs
While they lost last week for the first time, the Saints showed that they're right in the thick of the NFC playoff hunt. Chris Simms didn't exactly strike fear into my heart (or spleen), so let's just say I wouldn't be particularly afraid of Brad Gradkowski if I were New Orleans. LOSS

Giants (-4.5) over Redskins
Washington is certainly a different team with Clinton Portis, but as much as I hate Eli Manning, I think the kid will hold off the Skins at home on Sunday. WIN

Bears (-10) over Bills
After crushing offensive powerhouse Seattle, the only other undefeated NFC team, a trip to Miami in early February is the Bears' to lose. WIN

Packers (+3) over Rams
Brett Favre left the game last week with a splitting headache. Sources tell me it was caused by the legions of Green Bay fans screaming for him to retire already. TIE

Browns (+8) over Panthers
The Browns have looked feisty as of late, even winning a game last week. I'm not saying they'll knock off Carolina, but they managed to keep pace with Baltimore, so I expect this game to be within a touchdown. TIE

Titans (+18) over Colts
About the only Tennessee could beat Indy this week is if a supposedly-suspended Albert Haynesworth runs onto the field and stomps on Peyton Manning's face. Actually, that's not a bad idea. I just can't bring myself to give up 18 points in today's NFL. WIN

Vikings (-6.5) over Lions
Back in the comfy surroundings of the Metrodome, Minnesota will quickly forget about last week's debacle in Buffalo. What's the best cure for a bad loss? Playing the Lions. WIN

Chiefs (-3.5) over Cardinals
All the folks in KC are no longer in any rush to have Trent Green become healthy again. Damon Huard is doing just fine, thank you very much. LOSS

49ers (-3.5) over Raiders
The 2006 edition of the Battle of the Bay isn't quite what it was back in 1983. I don't care about this game, and according to Randy Moss, neither do the rest of the Raiders. WIN

Jets (+7) over Jaguars
They might be only 2-2, but every game the Jets have made every game they've played this year interesting. LOSS

Eagles (-2) over Cowboys
Last week, it was all-T.O.-all-the-time with his did-he-or-didn't-he suicide attempt. This week, The T.O. Channel (what used to be called ESPN) will present wire-to-wire coverage of T.O.'s return to Philly. Next week, watch live coverage of T.O. going grocery shopping and taking his dog to the vet. WIN

Chargers (-3.5) over Steelers
We'll see if Ben Roesthlisberger is finally completely healthy and back to 2005 form after the Steelers' bye week. I say that Marty Schottenheimer has more of a point to prove. WIN

Broncos (-4) over Ravens
After being thanked for years of service with the Titans by being locked out of the team's workout facilities, it looks like Steve McNair is having the last laugh. WIN

BEST BET: Jets (+7) over Jaguars NOT EVEN CLOSE
ELIMINATOR: New Orleans Saints WIN

Five-Point Plan To Combat School Shootings

The recent spate of school shooting has proven that this issue has blossomed into a national epidemic. It is completely unacceptable for our schoolchildren to risk their lives each and every day, simply to obtain the education that is required by law (not to mention necessary for success in life). It is clear that a concerted unified national solution is required, and therefore, I propose the following five-point plan, to be implemented at every single schoolhouse across the country, be it an elementary, middle, or high school in a high-crime urban area, a posh suburb, or the rural countryside.

1. Install metal detectors
At the entrance to each and every school, we must install a security checkpoint, through which all students, teachers, administrators, and visitors must pass, each time they wish to enter the school. The screening procedures shall be modeled upon those employed by the Transportation Security Administration and include magnetometers, x-ray screenings of bags, explosive trace detection machines, and walk-through explosive sniffer portals. Regulations shall include bans on weapons and other sharp objects, mandatory screening of footwear, random patdowns, and restrictions on liquids carried in containers in excess of three ounces. Admittedly, certain office supplies and cafeteria implements (scissors, staplers, metal knives) will no longer be permitted within our schools, but it is a necessary sacrifice to make in the name of security.

2. Prohibit bags
While the security screening currently conducted by the TSA reflects a highly efficient, state-of-the-art system, there are serious flaws. The number of water bottles finding their way through security, any of which can singlehandedly bring down a jetliner, shows that the TSA's approach is far from perfect. As a result, schools must ban all bags, purses, and backpacks, allowing students to take with them only those objects which can be carried on their person. (Such objects, obviously, must be surrendered for screening as they enter the school.) These prohibitions will lessen the time necessary to screen each student upon entry to the building. Minor inconveniences will result, as schools will be forced to provide sets of textbooks, notebooks, and supplies to remain in the building and students will have no choice but to purchase lunch at the cafeteria, since they are prevented from bringing in their own brown bags or lunchboxes, but the net gains in safety will be substantial.

3. Issue protective gear
Teachers will each receive a police-issue bulletproof vest. Use of this vest is optional, but is highly encouraged, since failure to wear the vest will be considered negligence and will preclude the teacher from receiving worker's compensation payments in the event he is injured in a school shooting. Vests must be worn underneath the clothing in order to avoid the appearance of an overly militaristic pegagogical environment. Furthermore, riot helmets with bulletproof plexiglass face shields shall be made available to all teachers upon request. Schools shall procure a supply of less-than-lethal riot control devices, including beanbag guns, pepper spray, flashbangs, and tasers. These devices will be kept in a locked storage area. Schools must designate a minimum of 20 percent of the faculty and administration to receive training in the use of these devices.

4. Institute behavioral screening
As part of the battery of tests mandated by the No Child Left Behind Act, schools must also implement a behavioral screening mechanism designed to identify those students most likely to incite violence against their classmates. The students determined to pose a severe risk (a minimum of five percent of each class) will be removed to a special secure classroom facility to be constructed by each school district, where they attend classes while seated in individual cubicles enclosed by bulletproof plexiglass, isolated from their fellow students and the instructor. The category of students who pose a high but not severe risk of inciting violence (the next fifteen percent, at minimum) will be placed on a watch list and will be subjected to mandatory secondary screening as they enter the school building.

5. Teach conflict resolution
In addition to reading, writing, and arithmetic, schools must add a fourth "r" to their curriculum: resolution. Schools must hire a crisis intervention counselor, the presence of whom shall be a prerequisite for the schools to open their doors on any given day. If the counselor is absent and no replacement has been found, classes must be cancelled, since student safety will be placed in jeopardy. In addition to responding to violent situations as they arise, the counselor shall develop and implement daily courses designed to educate the students in non-violent alternatives to settle potential conflicts. Students will be mandated to turn over lists of those classmates they suspect are inclined toward violence to the counselor, who will follow-up with those students named and create individualized safety control plans for each of them.

What about funding? Um, yeah. Student (and faculty) safety is of paramount importance, and certain programming will have to be eradicated in the name of security. So, schools will need to pull money from extracurriculars, athletics, physical education, art, music, theatre, applied arts, certain foreign languages, gifted and talented programs, honors classes, library, and field trips. Of course, funding will not be reduced in the least for subsidized breakfasts and lunches, bilingual education, special education, sex education, bussing for minority students, and guaranteed annual non-merit based raises for teachers.

Yom Kippur vs. Ramadan

I realize that the Jews are not the only ones celebrating a religious holiday involving fasting this month, so in the interest of multiculturalism and equal time, we now compare Yom Kippur with Ramadan and examine which we'd rather have to celebrate.

DURATION
Yom Kippur is a 25-hour holiday -- you give it a day and your good for a year. Ramadan lasts an entire month. Advantage: Yom Kippur.

INTENSITY
Yom Kippur involves complete abstinence for 25 hours -- not just food and drink, but also tobacco, sexual relations, and for the most observant, luxuries such as electricity, leather clothing, and bathing. The prohibitions for Ramadan aren't quite as strict, and in any case, just wait for sundown and you're off the hook. Advantage: Ramadan.

DAILY LIFE
Jewish communities shut down entirely for Yom Kippur, and even those Jews in non-Jewish communities take the entire day off. A healthy portion of the fast is spent in synagogue, where you can't think about or be tempted by food, and much of the rest of the day is spent asleep. As for Ramadan, Muslims still go to work during the day. Business hours are reduced in the Arab world, but in the non-Arab world, it's business as usual with little accomodation for the holiday. Furthermore, Muslims must wake up before dawn each day to chow down before beginning the fast. It gets tiresome after a full month. Advantage: Yom Kippur.

VARIABILITY
Yom Kippur always falls in September or October, and since the fast runs from dusk one day until darkness the next, the duration is always fixed. Ramadan migrates through the secular calendar, meaning that if you catch it during the summer, you're looking at 16-hour fasts. And if you happen to live somewhere like London, which has very late sunsets during the summer, then may Allah have mercy on your stomach, because you'll be ravenous. Advantage: Yom Kippur.

BREAKING FAST
The Yom Kippur breakfast is one of the most anticipated and celebratory moments of the entire Jewish year. But what Jews get to do once, Muslims get to do 30 straight days. Advantage: Ramadan.

By a final score of 3-2, Yom Kippur is the holiday I'd rather celebrate. No offense to all the Muslims in the audience, because while you have my infinite respect for going through what you go through for an entire month each year, I do not envy you in the least.

My Favorite Jewish Holiday

Okay, it's a stretch to say that Yom Kippur is my favorite Jewish holiday. As I described it earlier today, I don't so much enjoy it as I appreciate it. But without question, my favorite service of the entire Jewish year is the Minhah/Ne'eilah of Yom Kippur afternoon.

The service generally begins at 4:30 or 5 p.m. -- three hours or less remaining in Yom Kippur and its attendant fast. The theme of the service is based upon the imagery of the gates of heaven are closing, with worshippers having one final chance to convince G-d that they should be sealed in the Book of Life for the coming year. Weakened from a 24-hour fast and catatonic from ten hours in synagogue over the previous day, one must, to borrow a sports analogy, leave every little bit of spiritual energy on the playing field. As the sun sets and darkness embraces the synagogue, you are faced with a race against time to get your final pleas across. But at the same time, the holiday can't end until the sun sets, so with nothing else to do, you have no choice but to take your time rather than trying to rush through the prayers and finish early.

Finally, with the Ne'ilah complete, the shofar sounds one last extended tekiah gadola blast. Yom Kippur is complete and all of a sudden, you are overcome with a feeling of rejuvenation. You know that you have done everything in your power to plead your case to G-d, and after sacrificing yourself to Him for the past 24 hours, you are confident that your efforts have paid off, and you can celebrate with a feast, knowing (as best you can) that you'll be around and in good enough health to do the same thing next year.