Five-Point Plan To Combat School Shootings

The recent spate of school shooting has proven that this issue has blossomed into a national epidemic. It is completely unacceptable for our schoolchildren to risk their lives each and every day, simply to obtain the education that is required by law (not to mention necessary for success in life). It is clear that a concerted unified national solution is required, and therefore, I propose the following five-point plan, to be implemented at every single schoolhouse across the country, be it an elementary, middle, or high school in a high-crime urban area, a posh suburb, or the rural countryside.

1. Install metal detectors
At the entrance to each and every school, we must install a security checkpoint, through which all students, teachers, administrators, and visitors must pass, each time they wish to enter the school. The screening procedures shall be modeled upon those employed by the Transportation Security Administration and include magnetometers, x-ray screenings of bags, explosive trace detection machines, and walk-through explosive sniffer portals. Regulations shall include bans on weapons and other sharp objects, mandatory screening of footwear, random patdowns, and restrictions on liquids carried in containers in excess of three ounces. Admittedly, certain office supplies and cafeteria implements (scissors, staplers, metal knives) will no longer be permitted within our schools, but it is a necessary sacrifice to make in the name of security.

2. Prohibit bags
While the security screening currently conducted by the TSA reflects a highly efficient, state-of-the-art system, there are serious flaws. The number of water bottles finding their way through security, any of which can singlehandedly bring down a jetliner, shows that the TSA's approach is far from perfect. As a result, schools must ban all bags, purses, and backpacks, allowing students to take with them only those objects which can be carried on their person. (Such objects, obviously, must be surrendered for screening as they enter the school.) These prohibitions will lessen the time necessary to screen each student upon entry to the building. Minor inconveniences will result, as schools will be forced to provide sets of textbooks, notebooks, and supplies to remain in the building and students will have no choice but to purchase lunch at the cafeteria, since they are prevented from bringing in their own brown bags or lunchboxes, but the net gains in safety will be substantial.

3. Issue protective gear
Teachers will each receive a police-issue bulletproof vest. Use of this vest is optional, but is highly encouraged, since failure to wear the vest will be considered negligence and will preclude the teacher from receiving worker's compensation payments in the event he is injured in a school shooting. Vests must be worn underneath the clothing in order to avoid the appearance of an overly militaristic pegagogical environment. Furthermore, riot helmets with bulletproof plexiglass face shields shall be made available to all teachers upon request. Schools shall procure a supply of less-than-lethal riot control devices, including beanbag guns, pepper spray, flashbangs, and tasers. These devices will be kept in a locked storage area. Schools must designate a minimum of 20 percent of the faculty and administration to receive training in the use of these devices.

4. Institute behavioral screening
As part of the battery of tests mandated by the No Child Left Behind Act, schools must also implement a behavioral screening mechanism designed to identify those students most likely to incite violence against their classmates. The students determined to pose a severe risk (a minimum of five percent of each class) will be removed to a special secure classroom facility to be constructed by each school district, where they attend classes while seated in individual cubicles enclosed by bulletproof plexiglass, isolated from their fellow students and the instructor. The category of students who pose a high but not severe risk of inciting violence (the next fifteen percent, at minimum) will be placed on a watch list and will be subjected to mandatory secondary screening as they enter the school building.

5. Teach conflict resolution
In addition to reading, writing, and arithmetic, schools must add a fourth "r" to their curriculum: resolution. Schools must hire a crisis intervention counselor, the presence of whom shall be a prerequisite for the schools to open their doors on any given day. If the counselor is absent and no replacement has been found, classes must be cancelled, since student safety will be placed in jeopardy. In addition to responding to violent situations as they arise, the counselor shall develop and implement daily courses designed to educate the students in non-violent alternatives to settle potential conflicts. Students will be mandated to turn over lists of those classmates they suspect are inclined toward violence to the counselor, who will follow-up with those students named and create individualized safety control plans for each of them.

What about funding? Um, yeah. Student (and faculty) safety is of paramount importance, and certain programming will have to be eradicated in the name of security. So, schools will need to pull money from extracurriculars, athletics, physical education, art, music, theatre, applied arts, certain foreign languages, gifted and talented programs, honors classes, library, and field trips. Of course, funding will not be reduced in the least for subsidized breakfasts and lunches, bilingual education, special education, sex education, bussing for minority students, and guaranteed annual non-merit based raises for teachers.