Playing The Spread, Week 6

With the possible exception of Paris Hilton, Terrell Owens gets more unwarranted media attention than any other person in this country. Why are we so enthralled with every twist and turn in this man's life. He's just a football player. More importantly, why are we giving this attention whore exactly what he's hoping he gets? The answer is because we find it entertaining. I don't know if it's schadenfreunde or just the fact that we can't believe a person can be so outrageous, but by golly, all this T.O. stuff is just plain fun.

Among the most recent T.O. news is that he's planning on writing a children's book, starring Little T, a character obviously based on himself, who needs to learn how to share his football with others in order to play. It's A Magical World has obtained an advance copy of the book and would like to share an excerpt with my faithful readers.

Mother: Little T, here's a football for you. But in order to play football, you need to go find someone who wants to play with you.

Little Jeff: Hey there, Little T. I'll throw the ball to you!

Little T: No way, man. I'm not playing with someone who's gay.

Little Donovan: How about me, Little T? I'll play with you.

Little T: Hells no. All you'll end up doing is stand in the middle of the field, completely winded, throwing up. I want someone like Little Brett to play with me.

Little Drew: What do you say, Little T? Will you give me a chance?

Little T: Yeah, alright. (Little T and Little Drew play, but Little T only makes three catches.) Come on, man. Pull the damn trigger! Why the hell did you even bother asking me to play?

Little Drew: Not my fault, T. I'm dealing with a horrible pass rush here. I threw in your direction 15 times! The least you could do is make a move to try to catch the ball.

Little T: That's it. I'm not playing with you anymore. You can keep throwing to Little Lito if you want. See the candy I have in this little brown vial? I'm gonna eat all of it right now and you can't have any of it. (Eats "candy.") Oh, I don't feel so good. Waaaaah!

I guess it takes a child to write a children's book!

The following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers. Though if you used them for a parlay card last week, you'd be sitting mightily pretty right now.

Last week: 9-3-2
Season to date: 42-27-5
Best bets (more accurately, worst bets): 1-4
Eliminator: 5-0

Bengals (-5.5) over Bucs
The bye week gave Cincinnati a chance to rest, bail half their team out of jail, and regroup for this Sunday's game. LOSS

Giants (+3) over Falcons
The Giants finally discovered their defense last week, forcing the New York media to get off their backs and find another goat. Fortunately for the good folks at the Post and the Daily News, the Yankees were right there to fill the void. WIN

Titans (+10) over Redskins
The Titans led the Colts for 54 minutes last week and only ended up losing by one point. They must have been doing something right. Imagine what will happen when they play a team that's not all that great. WIN

Cowboys (-13) over Texans
With a pass interference call that gave the Cowboys the ball on the Eagles' six-yard-line with a chance to score the game-tying touchdown, everyone wondered how Drew Bledsoe would screw things up this time. In classic Bledsoe fashion, he threw the ball straight to Lito Sheppard, who returned it 102 yards for a touchdown to ice the game. The thing about Bledsoe, though, is that he tends not to screw things up that badly two weeks in row, particularly with the Big Tuna waiting to ream him out. WIN

Ravens (-3) over Panthers
The Ravens can surely play defense. They just can't score. Welcome back to the year 2000. LOSS

Bills (-1) over Lions
With three injuries among an offensive line that wasn't great to begin with, Detroit won't even have a 14-point lead to blow this week. LOSS

Rams (+3) over Seahawks
Ssshhh! It's a secret! The Rams are 4-1! Don't tell anyone! WIN

Eagles (-3) over Saints
Philly rose above the T.O. hype last week and demonstrated why they are the team to beat in the NFC East. I bet the Texans are kicking themselves every day for passing over Reggie Bush. LOSS

Jets (-2.5) over Dolphins
Before last week, I thought the Jets had climbed back into the realm of teams with an outside shot at contending for the playoffs. Then they lost 41-0 to the Jaguars. But unlike the Jets, there has never been any doubt about the incompetence of the Dolphins. WIN

Chiefs (+7) over Steelers
The momentum that the Steelers have managed to ride since winning the Super Bowl is starting to run. People are beginning to realize that the Steelers were a good but not great team that managed to overachieve for a few weeks last January. Come this January, I predict that KC will be in the playoffs while Pittsburgh will not. LOSS

Chargers (-10) over 24ers
After news broke that convenience store chain 7-11 bought the rights to the start times for Chicago White Sox games next season, rival chain Store 24 moved quickly to trump the deal by purchasing the nickname rights to the San Francisco 49ers. WIN

Raiders (+15) over Broncos
While I have no doubt that the Broncos will walk away with a victory in this game, I have trouble giving up more points than the Broncos have scored in all but one of their games this season. WIN

Bears (-10.5) over Cardinals
Since the inevitable comparisons to the 1985 Bears are already popping up, I say why not go all the way and let Brian Urlacher carry the ball in for a touchdown during the late stages of a Monday Night Football blowout? The Fridge would be proud. LOSS

BEST BET: Giants (+3) over Falcons (selected completely randomly this week, because I can't do much worse than what I've been doing so far) WIN
ELIMINATOR: Denver Broncos WIN