Least Of Four Evils?

One week from tomorrow is election day in Massachusetts. Our governor's seat is up for grabs, since incumbent Mitt Romney has declined to run for a second term. For those of you who have been living under a rock, as a public service, It's A Magical World presents a quick digest of the four gubernatorial candidates, some of whom are more mediocre than others.

Deval Patrick, Democrat
The clear favorite to win the election, "Free-Em-All" Deval is supported by 95 percent of articulate rapists and 87 percent of maximum security prisoners who demand hot meals and privacy for, um, sexual release. Too bad they can't vote. With Patrick in office, you can be assured of a whole new host of spending and social programs (though our lame-duck Republican governor has done a pretty good job of that himself) . Patrick represents the common man in the fight against the evil multi-millionaire corporate fat cats that he doesn't want you to know he actually is.

Kerry Healey, Republican
The sitting lieutenant governor is a self-hating woman who borrowed the Republicans' national playbook for use in her campaign. She developed a 50-point plan to describe what she would do as governor. However, there are two problems with her approach: (1) 50 line items are 47 too many for the short attention spans of the American public (2) what flies in the red states doesn't work too well here, meaning that stemming the flow of illegal immigrants and fighting the war on terror doesn't really galvanize people in the Bay State.

Christy Mihos, Independent
The disgruntled former board member of the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority who can't control the volume of his own voice has a laundry list of programs to cut taxes and proposals to curb spending. However, even fiscally conservative free-market capitalists like myself realize that his brilliant ideas are largely unworkable. Mihos is seemingly in the race just to piss people off, and it seems like he's doing a pretty good job of it. He's also injected a sense of humor into the race. Recognizing the inevitablility of a Patrick victory and four years of tax-and-spend thanks to a Democratic supermajority in the state legislature, I'm making a statement vote for Christy next week.

Grace Ross, Green-Rainbow
As her official campaign biography points out, Ross is a white lesbian living in Worcester. You could pretty much figure that out on her own, except the part about Worcester. I would have guessed Cambridge. Ross and her trademark floral-print muu-muu appeal to those voters who find Deval Patrick too conservative, meaning that her support is limited to pockets in the 02138 and 01060 ZIP codes. Otherwise, this campaign is going nowhere fast. And as an aside, is there some rule that members of the left-of-left socialist-type parties forfeit their party affiliation if they appear in public wearing anything but disheveled-looking thrift-store outfits? Just asking.

Well, when you go to the polls next Tuesday, choose wisely. With these four on the ballot, you can't go right. Enjoy the next four years.