Top Five Worst Types Of Sponsored College Bowl Names

In a previous post, we recounted the top five reasons why college football bowl games have sold out to corporate interests and diluted their products. Here, we examine the issues with one particular extreme type of sellout -- the ridiculousness that ensures from handing your entire bowl name over the corporate sponsor.

1. Bowl.com
The phrase ".com" has no place whatsoever in the name of a bowl game. Not only is it unwieldy, it is completely contrary to the tradition that college football is supposed to represent. Names like the Rose Bowl, the Sun Bowl, and the Cotton Bowl are timeless and connote the pastoral agricultural era of yore. Slap a dot-com on and you are transported forward to the technology-driven 21st century world of Silicon Valley.
Examples: MicronPC.com Bowl, Insight.com Bowl, Galleryfurniture.com Bowl.

2. CIWM Bowl (Corporate Initials Without Meaning)
In my humble opinion (and when is it ever anything but humble?), unless your company is well established, initials don't tell me a damn thing. I would assume most people know that KFC stands for Kentucky Friend Chicken and you can deduce that AT&T is American Telephone and Telegraph. But even a visit to the MPC Computers website doesn't tell me anything about what MPC stands for. If your brand name doesn't stand for anything, it is just a collection of letters.
Examples: MPC Computers Bowl, GMAC Bowl

3. History For Rent Bowl
When you tack the sponsor's name onto the bowl, it maintains a semblance of tradition. Whether you call it the USF&G Sugar Bowl, the Nokia Sugar Bowl, and the Allstate Sugar Bowl are all still the Sugar Bowl. But when you throw out a name that has been used for forty years, just because a certain fast food restaurant sends extra money your way, you sever all connection with the past. And because these contracts rarely last for more than five years, you have the possibility of frequent name changes with no way to carry forward the tradition and history except by referring to it as "That Bowl Game in Atlanta -- you know, the one usually but not always played a couple of days before New Year's Day."
Examples: Chick-Fil-A Bowl, Capital One Bowl, Outback Bowl

4. Your Name Here Bowl
Unlike their predecessors, these bowls have no tradition to displace. From day one, these recently-created bowls were named after some corporation. But the corporation name changes every two or three years. Since there is little connection between the various names from year to year, these bowls can't even create the history that the corporate name would destroy.
Example: Blockbuster Bowl, Carquest Bowl, MicronPC Bowl, Champs Sports Bowl (all of which actually refer to the same bowl game)

5. Unnecessarily Long Name Dictated By Corporate Sponsor Bowl
I propose a rule that college bowl names should be no longer than two words or four syllables. But, when the corporate sponsor buys the bowl name, it must insist that the name be long enough to accurately convey and distinguish the corporation's product. It's not enough to call it the Meineke Bowl, because how will the public figure out that Meineke is a car care center? The worst offender of these species are the bowls that don't trust the consumers to figure out the website name themselves, and therefore, must throw a ".com" at the end of an already distasteful bowl title.
Examples: Meineke Car Care Bowl, Continental Tire Bowl, Papajohns.com Bowl

Judging A Book By Its Cover

With final exams complete, I have belatedly managed to catch the first five episodes of NBC's new game show, Identity. The premise of the show is simple: the contestant is shown twelve individuals standing on stage and needs to match them to their identities. Identities include such descriptions as "celebrity impersonator," "professional bull rider," "major league umpire," "concert violinist," "preacher's son," and "Tabitha from Bewitched." While the contestant gets two lifelines for assistance and one free miss, he really has no other way to quiz the strangers.

Therefore, the skill involved is effectively stereotyping what certain types of people look like and applying those stereotypes to the strangers you see on stage. In some cases, the contestant can definitively round things down. For instance, only the males onstage could possibly be a "preacher's son," and a stranger who is "57 years old" probably looks like 57 years old. For everyone else, the contestant is largely at the mercy of the show's producers. Yeah, the Japanese guy wearing a mawashi with his hair in a chonmage is probably a "sumo wrestler," but if the producers were feeling extremely devious, it wouldn't have to be. Similarly, the guy in a cowboy hat and chaps would seem like a likely candidate to be a "country/western singer," but you could throw an accountant into that outfit. And what the heck does a "blackjack dealer" look like?

Ultimately, Identity comes down to an educated guessing game. It does involve more brainpower than that psychological experiment in risk tolerance known as Deal Or No Deal, but as far as actual knowledge required, it does not even approach the likes of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or even its unfortunate imitators Greed, The Chair, or The Chamber. It has also unfortunately imported some of the more annoying aspects of DOND, such as the host belaboring and second-guessing every decision, bringing family members onstage to convince the contestant to take the money and run, and the host faking out the contestant by throwing the show to commercial before revealing an answer over and over again.

Penn Jillette actually makes for a pleasant and effective master of ceremonies, developing a friendly rapport with the contestant with no need for the pomposity and contrived dramatics of the insufferable Howie Mandel. But when you boil the hour-long show down its essential elements, it consists of one or two contestants making up to a dozen educated guesses with a whole lot of filler. It's entertaining -- don't get me wrong -- but the pace is glacial and the amount of actual brainpower involved seems relatively minimal. It's worth watching on a slow night but it does not appear destined for the pantheon of classic game shows anytime soon. For a fast-paced intellectual challenge, I'll take Jeopardy! over Identity any time.

List Of Airports I've Visited

United States (46)
Atlanta-Hartsfield/Jackson (ATL)
Baltimore/Washington-Thurgood Marshall (BWI)
Boston-Logan (BOS)
Charlotte (CLT)
Chicago-O'Hare (ORD)
Cleveland-Hopkins (CLE)
Dallas/Ft. Worth (DFW)
Denver-Stapleton (DEN) (closed)
Denver-International (DEN) (replaced Denver-Stapleton)
Detroit/Wayne County (DTW)
Ft. Meyers/Southwest Florida (RSW)
Hartford/Springfield-Bradley (BDL)
Houston-Bush Intercontinental (IAH)
Kansas City (MCI)
Las Vegas-McCarran (LAS)
Los Angeles (LAX)
Manchester/Boston (MHT)
Martha's Vineyard (MVY)
Miami (MIA)
Nantucket-Memorial (ACK)
Nashville (BNA)
New Orleans-Louis Armstrong (MSY)
New York-LaGuardia (LGA)
New York-John F. Kennedy (JFK)
Newark-Liberty (EWR)
Oakland (OAK)
Oklahoma City-Will Rogers (OKC)
Ontario (ONT)
Orange County-John Wayne (SNA)
Orlando (MCO)
Palm Springs (PSP)
Philadelphia (PHL)
Phoenix-Sky Harbor (PHX)
Pittsburgh (PIT)
Portland, Ore. (PDX)
Providence-T.F. Green (PVD)
Richmond (RIC)
Rochester (ROC)
St. Louis-Lambert (STL)
San Diego-Lindbergh (SAN)
San Francisco (SFO)
San Jose-Mineta (SJC)
Seattle/Tacoma (SEA)
Tampa (TPA)
Washington-Dulles (IAD)
Washington-Reagan National (DCA)

Canada (3)
Halifax-Stanfield (YHZ)
Montreal-Dorval/Pierre Elliot Trudeau (YUL)
Toronto-Pearson (YYZ)

South America (6)
Belo Horizonte-Pampulha (PLU)
Buenos Aires-Ezeiza/Ministro Pistarini (EZE)
Rio de Janeiro-Galeao/Antonio Carlos (Tom) Jobim (GIG)
Rio de Janeiro-Santos Dumont (SDU)
Sao Paolo-Guarulhos (GRU)
Santiago-Arturo Merino Benitez (SCL)

Europe (18)
Amsterdam-Schiphol (AMS)
Athens-Eleftherios Venizelos (ATH)
Barcelona-El Prat (BCN)
Brussels-Zaventem (BRU)
Dusseldorf (DUS)
Frankfurt-Main (FRA)
London-City (LCY)
London-Heathrow (LHR)
Luxembourg-Findel (LUX)
Madrid-Barajas (MAD)
Munich-Franz Joseph Strauss (MUC)
Paris-Roissy/Charles de Gaulle(CDG)
Prague-Runzye (PRG)
Reykjavik/Keflavik-Leif Ericsson (KEF)
Rome-Fiumicino/Leonardo da Vinci (FCO)
Vienna-Schwechat (VIE)
Warsaw-Okecie/Frederic Chopin
Zurich-Kloten (ZRH)

Middle East (3)
Cairo (CAI)
Istanbul-Ataturk (IST)
Tel Aviv-Ben Gurion (TLV)

Asia (4)
Hong Kong-Chek Lap Kok (HKG)
Osaka-Kansai (KIX)
Singapore-Changi (SIN)
Tokyo-Narita (NRT)

Oceania (4)
Auckland (AKL)
Christchurch (CHC)
Dunedin (DUD)
Wellington (WLG)

Total airports visited: 84

Playing The Spread, Week 17

It seems like just yesterday that I was predicting the Cowboys and Broncos to meet in Super Bowl XLI. While neither of those teams are dominating the field in quite the way I would have hoped, they remain very much alive as we enter the postseason.

But before we get to the postseason, we must surmount the hurdle that is the awkward Week 17. Only about a third of the teams in the NFL generally have something to play for in Week 17, although this year, with so many 7-8 teams still technically alive in the mediocre NFC, postseason berths may still be on the table. As for the rest, either their playoff seeds are locked up (Bears, Saints), or it's not worth the effort and the injury risk for a marginal improvement in seeding (Patriots), or the team has already been eliminated from playoff contention (Bills, Vikings), or the team was eliminated from playoff contention as soon as it set foot on the field in Week 1 (Lions).

In this respect, Week 17 is essentially the regular-season redux of Week 4 of the preseason. For every game that features a compelling matchup with a team fighting for its postseason life, you have at least one and often two games with novelty plays like the Doug Flutie dropkick or the debut of Cleo Lemon (yes, that's the name of the Dolphins' quarterback, not a fancy new perfume or a chick punk rock band). Kind of makes you think twice about purchasing a full price ticket at the start of the season.

As always, the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 7-9
Season to date: 117-116-7
Best bets: 7-9
Eliminator: 13-3 (Streak: L 1)

Giants (-2.5) over Redskins
The only way the Giants could choke any worse is if they had A-Rod on the team. WIN

Titans (-3) over Patriots
You have more of a chance of spotting Whitey Bulger than you do of seeing Tom Brady in this game. Hmm, so maybe that means Vinny Testaverde might be...? Nah. Nobody ever accused Vinny of having a killer instinct. LOSS

Chiefs (-2.5) over Jaguars
If it's any consolation to the folks in Jacksonville, you wouldn't have made the playoffs with a healthy Byron Leftwich either. WIN

Rams (-2.5) over Vikings
I love these improbable Week 17 playoff scenarios. The Rams can actually still make the playoffs if they win, three other teams lose, Mars and Jupiter align, Howard Cosell rises from the dead, and Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump share a passionate embrace of reconciliation on The View. WIN

Panthers (-3) over Saints
Last week proved that it is possible to win a game with Chris Weinke as your quarterback if you let him throw seven times or less. WIN

Jets (-12.5) over Raiders
Sometime within the next three weeks, I expect to get a call from Al Davis offering me a job as head coach of the Raiders, seeing how nobody else will want it. I'll probably turn him down. WIN

Bengals (-6) over Steelers
With a chance to put his team into the playoffs with a game-tying extra point, the Bengals' long snapper suddenly realized that he did in fact play for the Bengals and therefore had to take it upon himself to somehow screw things up. LOSS

Cowboys (-12.5) over Lions
Dallas needs an exclamation point game or the Cowboys faithful will call for Bill Parcells to bench Tony Romo and hand the ball to Drew Bledsoe. Full circle, anyone? LOSS

Seahawks (+3.5) over Bucs
Since, 8-8 will be good enough to win the NFC Worst, fans in Kansas City are leading a last-minute petition drive to immediately switch the Chiefs into that division. WIN

Texans (-4) over Browns
After Sunday's game, the Texans would be well served to admit the obvious and finally give up on David Carr. Then again, I've been waiting years for the Lions to do the same thing with Matt Millen. WIN

Falcons (+8) over Eagles
It seems like everyone would be happy to give Jim Mora Jr. his dream job as coach of the Washington Huskies. Everyone, that is, except Ty Willingham. WIN

Cardinals (+13.5) over Chargers
Since the result of this game and his eventual termination as head coach is a foregone conclusion, Dennis Green will head straight to the parking lot instead of the locker room at halftime. WIN

Broncos (-10.5) over 49ers
If the second blizzard in a week keeps the 49ers from flying in for the game, the Broncos win by forfeit. With a playoff berth on the line, any win counts. It really doesn't matter how it happens. LOSS

Ravens (-9) over Bills
Remember back in Week 2 when I said that the Bills were the second-best team in the AFC East? Oops. WIN

Dolphins (+9) over Colts
Things were always competitive growing up in the Manning household, and it's no different now that Peyton and Eli are adults. Once Eli started sucking, Peyton had to see if he could suck more. WIN

Packers (+3) over Bears
I love Brett Favre, but I'm not going to waste my New Year's Eve watching what might or might not be his last game. I'll make a bonus bet that says he'll be back starting on Opening Day 2007. WIN

BEST BET: Chiefs (-2.5) over Jaguars WIN
ELIMINATOR: New York Jets WIN

The Amazing Race Ideal All-Stars

CBS has announced that the next season of The Amazing Race will be an all-star edition (unlike the last one, which only seemed like an all-star edition because of typecasting). The teams that have been asked back, beyond David and Mary from the most recent season, are still a closely-guarded secret. I have created my list of the 12 teams I would like to see on TAR All-Stars, subject to the following rules:

1. Every season (except for Family Edition) must have at least one representative
2. Not all champions get a spot in All-Stars, but more consideration is given to teams that made it far into the race
3. Teams that were eliminated through a stroke of bad luck get additional consideration
4. Noteworthy "villian" teams get additional consideration, because we always need bad guys
5. Teams whose relationship status has changed since they last appeared on TAR get additional consideration if they would make for good television
6. As always, the show should provide for proper diversity in age, race, gender, and relationship status

Joe & Bill (TAR 1) - Team Guido from the first season (Guido was their dog's name, and has nothing to do with their ethnicity) was the original ornery gay couple that lay the groundwork for the likes of Lynn & Alex, Tom & Terry, and John & Scott.

Blake & Paige (TAR 2) - This brother and sister team, dubbed "The Smileys" were travel novices from Texas that made it to the final three on the basis of charm, good cheer, and resourcefulness. They deserve a second go.

Oswald & Danny (TAR 2) - While Team Guido might have been the original ornery gay couple, Team Cha-Cha-Cha was the original flamboyant gay non-couple. Who else finds time for a shopping trip in the middle of a race around the world?

Flo & Zach (TAR 3) - Team FloZach won TAR 3 despite the fact that Flo whined incessantly, at one point all but quitting the race and forcing Zach to drag her along. It's worth bringing this team back just to see if Zach will put up with her the second time around.

Chip & Reichen (TAR 4) - The married gay couple that won TAR 4 have since been "divorced." It will be interesting to see how the ex-lovers get along with each other now, particularly since Chip must be jealous over Reichen's relationship with *NSYNC member Lance Bass.

Charla & Mirna (TAR 5) - Charla was the energetic and competitive dwarf who proved that determined little people can do anything as long as they put their minds to it. Mirna was her crotchety, overprotective cousin.

Lena & Kristy (TAR 6) - The absolutely adorable sisters from Utah were eliminated from the race prematurely, when Lena spent eight hours unrolling haybales in Sweden trying to find a clue. Eventually, Phil Keoghan had to come onto the course and inform them that the leg was over.

Jonathan & Victoria (TAR 6) - Jonathan is the abusive husband everyone loves to hate. His shove of a disconsolate Victoria as they were running toward the pit stop in Berlin shocked the viewing audience. While they had a therapy session with Dr. Phil after the race, I'm willing to bet that Jonathan will be back to his old tricks if they run again.

Uchenna & Joyce (TAR 7) - The champions of TAR 7 were willing do whatever it took to win the race, including begging strangers for taxi fare and getting their heads shaved. On the last leg, Uchenna incredibly managed to convince an American Airlines pilot to bring the plane back to the gate, so he and Joyce could keep up with Rob and Amber. And speaking of Rob and Amber...

Rob & Amber (TAR 7) - Yes, their fifteen minutes were used up long ago, but Rob and Amber are the consummate reality show couple. Rob actually changed the game by introducing elements of manipulation and malice into what used to be an every-team-for-itself competition. Amber came along for the ride.

B.J. & Tyler (TAR 9) - The happy-go-lucky hippies displayed their joyful spirit during every moment of the race, respecting the native cultures and making friends with people they met along the way. However, they were criticized for being overly (and falsely) dramatic, and for being, in actuality, just as cutthroat and conniving as any of the other teams.

Bilal & Sa'eed (TAR 10) - These two best friends and observant Muslims promised to make for compelling television, since they were willing to abide by the pillars of Islam in all circumstances, even if it meant rolling out their prayer mats in the middle of a Detour. They were eliminated halfway through the first leg, before we even got a chance to see how their faith would play out during the race. They deserve a second shot.

Top Five Suggestions For Taking Law School Exams

Having survived the process three times now, I feel it is my responsibility to share what I've learned about taking law school exams with those of you who are embarking on the process for the first time, or who wish to refine their skills and improve their performance. This advice is admittedly tailored to students at Harvard Law School, since first-year exams are taken in January and most professors allow all books, notes, and computer files to be used during the exam.

1. Know what your professor wants
Certain professors want different things. Some take cases as gospel law, others require you to justify the application of case law through policy analysis, other want you to spout doctrine without reference to a case. Find out in advance what your professor is looking for. Also, look at the past exams from that professor, since professors usually remain consistent in the types of questions they ask and the way they format their exams.

2. Make an outline you can actually use
Law students have a tendency to make gargantuan, all-encompassing outlines for use during exams. In my opinion, the larger the outline, the less worthwhile it is. Boil down cases to their basic holding. Spend no more than one sentence recounting the facts, and even then, include just enough to jog your memory as to what the case concerned. Organize it incredibly well so you can find what you need to know in a split second. The process of making the outline helps you review and digest the course material, which is why a self-made outline is preferable to a pre-packaged commercial outline. Additionally, each professor teaches the course a certain way, so chances are, a commercial outline won't completely represent what you learned.

3. Practice, baby, practice
In my opinion, the best way to prepare for a law school exam is to take prior year's exams under simulated exam conditions. Set yourself up with the materials you will have at your disposal during the actual exam, ensure you will not be disturbed for three hours, and have a go at it. Not only will you acclimate yourself to the time pressure so that the actual will feel like something you've done before, you will prove to yourself that you can survive one of these things and actually command and manipulate the material. What inevitably happens is that when the real exam comes around, you find yourself rewriting the same stock phrases that you used all throughout your practice exams.

4. Pace yourself
The advice to pace yourself involves both preparation for the exam and the actual taking of the exam. There will be a lot of material you need to familiarize yourself with (though not necessarily memorize). You cannot wait until the last minute the way you might have done in high school or even college. Look ahead, try to estimate how much time you need for each course, plan your time accordingly, and stick to your schedule (though you should fell free to adjust as appropriate). Hopefully, you will have some time between each exam, but keep in mind that if you're anything like me, you'll need the rest of the day (or at least a few hours) after each exam for mental recovery. Once you're taking the exam, know that you should divide your time among each questions roughly according to how they are weighted. Don't leave yourself half an hour or less for the final question if it counts for one third of your grade.

5. Be concise and organized
When two sets of exam answers say the exact same thing, professors will give the higher grade to the person who can say it in the least number of words. Tailor your answers to the facts of the case. Do not, I repeat, do not, pre-write passages that you will cut and paste for certain issues. Professors can sniff out such passages in their sleep. Once you get to law school, professors know that you can memorize doctrine. What they test is your ability to apply the doctrine to the facts of the exam. Writing from scratch is actually less time consuming than trying to adapt pre-packaged materials to the specific case. You can also waste a lot of time preparing analysis for issues that don't show up on the exam. Reading 80 exams is a mind-numbing exercise for many professors, so do them a favor and make sure your arguments are spelled out with clear topic sentences and a logical process for addressing certain issues. Don't make the professor hunt for your analysis -- serve it to them on a silver platter. It will make their job easier, and they will reward you for it.

Top Five Airline Seats

The rules:
1. It must be a seat I've actually sat in on a flight
2. It must be in economy/coach class
3. Since I like window seats the best, all of these seats are windows
And yes, I keep track of these things.

1. Seat 17J, Boeing 777-200, United Airlines
This seat is a bulkhead seat at the very front of United's economy cabin. The first several rows of United planes are called Economy Plus, since they feature additional pitch between seats and therefore, enhanced leg room. But this bulkhead is the best of the best. While I may not be particularly tall, I am not short, and in 17J, I can stick my legs straight out and not even touch the bulkhead wall. The lack of floor storage for takeoff and landing (since there is no seat in front of you) is no issue, since you can easily pop up and grab stuff out of the overhead bins without disturbing the person next to you. For a 14-hour flight to Japan, there's no better way to travel unless you can make your way into business class.

2. Seat 58B, Boeing 747-400, El Al Israel Airlines
While this seat is technically a middle seat, the curvature of the plane near the tail leaves no room to install a true window seat in 58A. Therefore, the lucky chap in 58B gets a precious row of two on a 747, with a window, with additional arm room, and with a shelf next to the seat on which you can set up shop with your belongings.

3. Seat 24A, Boeing 747-400, Lufthansa
This seat is a bulkhead at the very front of the economy cabin. If you are willing to forgo the small convenience of floor storage for takeoff and landing and willing to suffer the marginal decrease in seat width from in-armrest tray tables, you are treated to additional leg room. It might not be quite as spacious as United's 777 (since you can put your feet on the wall), but it is nonetheless plenty comfortable if you are consigned to Economy on a transatlantic flight. Additionally, I believe that sitting in the front of the cabin on a widebody plane lessens the feeling of claustrophobia, since you can't see how many people are packed onto the airplane with you.

4. Seat 25A, Boeing 747-400, Air New Zealand
Since Air New Zealand recognizes the need for comfort on 12-hour trans-pacs, its seat pitch for all passengers in Economy Class is 34", several inches more than the standard for United States airlines. Those three or four inches make a huge difference. The seats are also equipped with winged headrests and fold-down footrests. While the seats are no wider than standard, they are better cushioned and contoured to your posterior than usual. Sitting in Row 25, you are one row behind the exit row, and instead of a middle section, you have a flight attendant station. As a result, you feel like you're in a semi-private mini cabin, which makes a huge difference on a fully-loaded 747.

5. Seat 11E, Airbus 319, United Airlines
This row is an exit row, meaning that legroom is even greater than it otherwise would be in the Economy Plus section. But unlike many exit rows, you have a seat in front of you that you can use to stow your belongings. Seat 11F is missing, meaning that Roe 11 is a row of two and 11E is one of those rare window seats with extra space next to you on the window side. Essentially, it's the best of both worlds between a window and aisle seat.

NOT The Jewish Christmas

Today is the final day of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah, and once again, I feel the need to clarify a popular misconception. Hanukkah is not, I repeat, NOT, the Jewish analog to Christmas. Hanukkah is not even a particularly important celebration on the Jewish calendar. Hanukkah commemorates the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem after it was ransacked by the forces of Hellenistic emperor Antiochus IV. The oil left over from was only sufficient to fuel the eternal flame for one day, but miraculously, it lasted eight days, which was the time needed to procure and consecrate more oil.

While the Hanukkah miracle is undoubtedly worthy of celebration, the genesis of the holiday is far from the Book of Genesis. The most important holidays in Jewish lore are those detailed in the Torah -- Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Pesach (Passover), and Shavuot. Those that find their origin in the post-biblical days -- Hanukkah, Purim, Lag B'Omer, and Tisha B'Av -- are of secondary importance. The only reasons why Hanukkah gets the attention it does are because it falls in the month of December (when 95% of America is celebrating a certain other holiday) and because it is commemorated with an easy and engaging at-home ritual of lighting the menorah.

The gift exchange that has become traditional for Hanukkah was co-opted from our gentile brethren, so that Jewish children would not be left out of the Christmas retail binge, and does not have roots in pre-assimilation Judiasm. Traditionally, gelt (money) is given from parents to children to commemorate Hanukkah, while gifts of food and other goods are exchanged on Purim, as part of the tradition of Shalach Manot.

While I nonetheless accept people's wishes for a Happy Hanukkah, I believe that the best way to recognize our holiday would be to take note of when Rosh Hashanah falls next year and wish us a happy new year then. In the scheme of things, Rosh Hashanah (together with Yom Kippur) is our most major holiday, but an accident of the calendar makes most of society erroneously think that a secondary post-biblical celebration is the centerpiece of our tradition.

Playing The Spread, Week 16

With two weeks remaining in the NFL season, it's time for everyone's favorite exercise in whining (that doesn't involve T.O., that is). Pro Bowl selections were revealed on Monday and there were very surprises. San Diego led the pack with nine selections followed by Chicago with eight, the Patriots were disrespected once again with Richard Seymour as their lone representative, and the same offensive linemen keep getting elected year after year on the basis of reputation, even if they've been on injured reserve for half the year.

The NFL stands alone among major American sports leagues because it does not select its all-star game starters on the basis of a pure fan ballot. Rather, fan voting counts for one-third, while voting by the players and the coaches comprises the other two-thirds. Supposedly, when players and coaches are involved, there is much less likelihood that the voting process will be a glorified popularity contest. Robinson Cano would never be an all-star starter in the NFL. But in the NFL, unlike the other leagues, fans have a say in the reserve selections as well. There are no problems when it comes to running backs -- nobody would argue that LaDanian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, and Willie Parker don't deserve to represent the AFC. When it comes to anonymous offensive linemen, however, unsung guys like Matt Light stand no chance when Larry Allen and Matt Birk make it on name recognition each year, regardless of medicore play or old age. I support the NFL's desire to get fans involved in the process, but when expert decisions need to be made, the NFL should leave it to the experts (namely, the coaches of the AFC and NFC teams, or a panel of general managers).

Then again, why do we even care? Half of this year's starters will pull a Manny Ramirez and opt out with phony injuries anyway. For everyone else, it's a free trip to Hawaii with the caveat that they must play a glorifed flag football game on Sunday afternoon. Since the game is at the end of the season, it's an anti-climax after the Super Bowl. The moral of the story is that while the selection process seems flawed in my opinion, it's really not even worth the time complaining about it.

As usual, the following selections are for recreational purposes only and should not be the basis of any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 10-6
Season to date: 110-107-7
Best bets: 6-9
Eliminator: 13-2 (Streak: W 5)

Packers (-3) over Vikings
Since the Vikings are ending their season on a sinking ship, they might as well bring some strippers aboard. LOSS

Chiefs (-6.5) over Raiders
Oakland just suffered its third shutout of the season. Now, I know that Al Davis doesn't tolerate mediocrity, but why does he insist on replacing mediocrity with more mediocrity? Clearly, Art Shell was not the answer Al Davis was looking for. WIN

Patriots (+3) over Jaguars
New England, a team that's leading the AFC East at 10-4, had all of one player selected for the Pro Bowl, allowing the Pats to cry about a lack of respect. Bill Belichick would want it no other way. WIN

Bears (-4.5) over Lions
Sincee the Bears have wrapped up home-field advantage, you might think that they have nothing to play for and Sunday's matchup against the Lions could be a classic trap game. But Rex Grossman has far too many critics needing to be silenced to lay an egg on Sunday. WIN

Redskins (+2) over Rams
I'm not going to say that Washington is better with Jason Campbell and Ladell Betts, instead of Mark Brunell and Clinton Portis, but they are certainly not worse. LOSS

Giants (-3) over Saints
The best part of last week's game was when the Giants gave up a passing touchdown, a two-point conversion, and an interception return for a touchdown in an 11-second span. I'm glad to see that Peyton taught his little brother how to make the sulky face. LOSS

Ravens (+3) over Steelers
Well, it looks like the Steelers finally got around to trying to defend their Super Bowl title. If they hadn't waited until mid-November, they might have actually had a shot. WIN

Falcons (-6) over Panthers
Don't frustrated, Chris Weinke. I know you haven't won a game that you started since the opening weekend of 2001, but you know what they say -- 18th time's a charm! LOSS

Titans (+4.5) over Bills
Another week, another improbable comeback victory for Team Heroes. This past Sunday, we found out that the Titans' offense has a superhuman alter ego (in the form of the Titans' defense) that comes to the rescue and scores touchdowns when the offense is completely helpless. WIN

Colts (-9) over Texans
It would make my year to see Peyton and company choke against the Texans of all teams. Maybe Peyton should spend less time making commercials and more time not sucking. LOSS

Browns (-3) over Bucs
Well, the Bruce Gradkowski era has come and gone. Now, let the brave new world of the Tim Rattay era commence! LOSS

49ers (-4) over Cardinals
If the Niners can somehow run the table and the Seahawks somehow crap out in both of their remaining games, San Francisco will win the NFC West (and get a home playoff game!) with the oh-so-impressive record of 8-8. It just goes to show how mediocre the NFC is this year. LOSS

Broncos (-3) over Bengals
Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Quincy Carter was arrested last week for marijuana possession. The Bengals sent someone from their front office down to the lockup in order to bail him out if he signed a contract on the spot. LOSS

Chargers (-4.5) over Seahawks
LaDanian Tomlinson is sick. I mean, disgustingly sick. He shatters the NFL scoring record with two weeks to pad his lead. Is there any doubt that the road to the Super Bowl goes through San Diego as long as this guy is playing? I think not. LOSS

Eagles (+7) over Cowboys
Terrell Owens' publicist issued a statement this week telling the world that T.O. had 35,000 reasons not to spit in anyone's face ever again. And even if he does, he won't go bragging about it on live television. WIN

Jets (+2.5) over Dolphins
One of the greatest things about the NFL is the fact that a team thought to have no chance at the playoffs when the season began can lock horns in Week 16 against a squad thought to be a shoo-in for the postseason (with a decent chance at the Super Bowl, no less), but with their roles completely reversed. WIN

BEST BET: Bears (-4.5) over Lions WIN
ELIMINATOR: Indianapolis Colts Happiest Eliminator LOSS ever!

Win By Showing Up

Two months ago, yours truly received a parking ticket from the City of Cambridge. I was parked between two signs designating a zone as "No Parking - Loading Zone - between 8AM and 6PM." I had parked in that zone after hours at least a dozen times beforehand with no problem. The absence of any further signs suggested to me that parking was unrestricted during all other hours. Well, imagine my surprise when I returned to my car after 9PM to find a ticket citing me for parking in a permit zone without the requisite sticker. While the rest of the block was signed "Permit Parking Only - between 6PM and 8AM," no such signs were in place where I was parked.

I thought I had an open and shut case. The City of Cambridge has an online function allowing you to appeal a parking ticket. I figured I could just write in, explain that I was parked in a zone that wasn't signed for permit parking, and I'd be all set. Two weeks later, I received a letter explaining that my appeal was rejected, though I could request a hearing in person. I returned the hearing request form, and after another two weeks, received another letter telling me to report to the Cambridge Traffic Department at 2:45 p.m. on December 14, 2006 for my hearing, with documentation supporting my claim.

My case was as follows: The signs labeling the zone said nothing about restrictions between 6PM and 8AM, so one would reasonably assume there were no restrictions. The rest of the block was diligently marked with Permit Parking signs, and all of those were in conjunction with metered spaces, so lack of Permit Parking signs in non-metered must be presumed deliberate. I had photographs of every sign on that street as documentation and was ready to plead my case.

Rule #1: Sometimes you win just by showing up

When I entered the hearing room, I was greeted by the very friendly hearing officer. He directed me to sign in on the docket sheet, and while I was pulling my laptop computer out of the bag, he pulled up my record on his system. He then informed me that my ticket had already been dismissed. While I was curious as to why, and while I wanted to know if I was indeed parked illegally or if the parking officer had ticketed me in error, I knew better than to push my luck. I came to get my ticket dismissed, and that's exactly what happened. So, I very hastily packed up my computer, bid the hearing officer farewell, and disappeared, hoping he would instantly forget about me as soon as I walked out the door.

Rule #2: Once you get what you're looking for, don't give them a chance to change their mind

A Bizarre Dream

The following is a synopsis of an anxiety dream I had Thursday night before my Taxation final exam Friday morning. There are some weird things going on in my head.

First thing I remember, I was driving through Philadelphia looking for a job and/or a place to live. Next thing I know, we're in Ontario, about an hour outside of Toronto, and I'm assisting the legal team that's representing Chief Justice John Roberts and Sandra Day O'Connor purchase a house in Canada. We're in an early morning session in a Canadian courtroom. I start chatting with Kevin, a friend's co-worker. Then, when the hearing is done, I exit the courtroom and find myself in a huge, deteriorating building at Harvard Law School. The building contains both the athletic facilities and the library and two are intermingled, on opposite floors. I go downstairs to the gym and nearly trip several times on missing steps on the staircase. I am supposed to have an intramural indoor soccer game, but they replaced the soccer league with a squash league, so I decide to give it a try. But they ran out of squash racquets and instead they give me what looks like a plastic lacrosse stick.

I try playing squash with it, but I keep missing the ball, so I give up and go down to the library. In the library, I see the roster for a five-person pentathlon relay, and two of the members are convicts from the TV show "Prison Break." Then I go outside to the volleyball court, where the convicts are playing volleyball. I join the game, but keep screwing up, causing my team to lose points. Eventually one of them pulls out a double-bladed hand dagger and threatens to slice my neck. I run back to to the HLS building, which has been transformed into the Supreme Court, except that instead of standard oral arguments, the court is being used for a trial against the Commissioner of the IRS and there is a three judge panel of Roberts, Alito, and Ginsburg. The
convicts trying to stab me are in there, but I figure that I'm safe, because everyone had to go through a metal detector to get in and there are police officers in the courtroom.

But then, Ted Kennedy, who is in the Supreme Court right near me gets a call on his cell phone from someone claiming to be John Kerry's daughter, who asks him to let her in through the back door. He does, and she sneaks in weapons to the convicts. One of them then pulls out a minature gun and tries to shoot me, but it misses. Instead of causing commotion, the police officer goes over and calmly confiscates the gun, but she doesn't arrest him. As the court adjourns, another convict pulls out the hand dagger and swipes at me, but I get away. The police officer doesn't seem interested in helping. So, I run outside and I hop in a car that I think is mine, but actually belongs to one of my former fraternity brothers who's now a 3L here at HLS. He tries to kick me out, but I make him drive away. As we are exiting the parking lot, three of the convicts shoot at us, but fortunately, the windshield is bulletproof glass and cracks but the bullets do not penetrate. We are in Western Mass or Upstate New York at this point, so I decide to go either to Vermont or further upstate for the weekend to lie low. Then I woke up for good.

Playing The Spread, Week 15

One of the most serious penalties in professional football is the 15-yard personal foul for roughing the quarterback. Such a penalty can singlehandedly keep a drive alive since a first down is awarded even if the 15 yards aren't necessarily sufficient to move the sticks on their own. While statistic do not bear out the assertion, there is nevertheless a perception that the penalty is being called more often this season than in years past.

As a result, defensive linemen have been adjusting their play accordingly. When Mathias Kiwanuka inexplicably released Vince Young from his grasp three weeks ago, he claimed that he saw Young throw the ball and he didn't want to get called for a roughing the passer penalty. You tell your players to go full steam until the whistle blows and not to let up until then, but such perseverance is difficult when you are constantly shadowed by the prospect of a drive-sustaining penalty.

On the flip side, however, the quarterback's safety is undoubtedly important. Offensive linemen and blocking backs take up stances that enable them to best absorb physical contact. A quarterback in full extension after throwing a pass has no such luxury. While he is otherwise a field player subject to being tackled, no quarterback could survive the season unless a penalty for late contact existed.

Therefore, I propose that the roughing the passer penalty be bifurcated in a manner similar to the face mask and running into the kicker penalties. For clear and egregious offenses, like unnecessary late hits and helmet-to-helmet contact, the 15-yard markoff with an automatic first down should be enforced. But for unavoidable contact on a follow-through or a hit that is mistimed by a matter of a split second, fairness dictates that only five yards should be penalized and no first down would be awarded unless earned by the markoff. It strikes a healthy medium between protecting the passer and allowing defensive linemen to do their job without constant fear of serious penalties.

As usual, the following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 6-10
Season to date: 100-101-7
Best bets: 5-9
Eliminator: 12-2 (Streak: W 4)

49ers (+9.5) over Seahawks
If the NFL Network wants to play hardball and force Cablevision to submit to popular demand by including it in the basic cable package, it needs better games that the ones they've had. WIN

Cowboys (-3) over Falcons
Dallas just released plans for its gargantuan new stadium. It seems like everything is bigger in Texas except for Terrell Owens' attention span. WIN

Patriots (-11.5) over Texans
Every time the Patriots play like crap I rest easy, knowing that they'll turn things around and come out strong for the next game. At least that's what I've been hoping happens for three weeks now. WIN

Bucs (+13.5) over Bears
Rex Grossman has Brian Griese staring over his shoulder in case he screws up, while Tim Rattay is waiting in the wings to take over for Bruce Gradkowski. Some incentive, huh? WIN

Panthers (-2.5) over Steelers
Think about it, Joey Porter. Was calling Kellen Winslow a faggot really worth ten grand of your hard-earned money? Now, if you want to insult Chris "Tinky" Weinke's sexuality, I give you that gem for free. LOSS

Packers (-5) over Lions
Brett Favre is like the guy from the opening scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "I'm not dead yet!" WIN

Browns (+11.5) over Ravens
Secretly, I'd like to see Romeo Crennel fired after this season so that Bill Belichick can rehire him and install him in his old position as the Pats' defensive coordinator. We sure could use him. WIN

Jaguars (-3.5) over Titans
The Jaguars and Titans are my new second- and third-favorite teams. Why, you ask? Anybody that knocks off the Colts and humilates Peyton Manning in the process earns a special place in my heart. LOSS

Jets (+3) over Vikings
Vikings defensive backs coach Joe Woods was arrested for and charged with drunk driving. Hey, at least he was wearing clothes. (Alternate joke: The Bengals front office called and expressed interest in interviewing him for a coaching position once the season is over.) WIN

Saints (-9.5) over Redskins
We knew they were a pretty good team, but Sunday night's shellacking of the Cowboys in Texas Stadium proved that the Saints may in fact be the team to beat in the NFC. LOSS

Dolphins (+1) over Bills
After borrowing a page from the Homeland Security playbook last week by listening in Tom Brady's conversations, the Dolphins plan to follow up by apprehending J.P. Losman and holding him indefinitely in Little Havana as an "enemy combatant." LOSS

Broncos (-2.5) over Cardinals
Somehow the Denver Broncos still harbor aspirations of making the playoffs. A game against the pushover Cardinals will only serve to inflate those otherwise unreasonable expectations. WIN

Rams (+2.5) over Raiders
Two first-year head coaches whose teams are struggling to win a single game enter the Black Hole on Sunday afternoon. Only one of them will emerge with their job still intact. WIN

Eagles (+5.5) over Giants
Having been falsely accused of being homosexual himself, Jeff Garcia has invited Kellen Winslow to come his beachfront cottage on Key West and "talk things over" once the season is done. WIN

Chiefs (+8.5) over Chargers
Here's hoping that Kansas City pulls off the major upset in memory of their now-deceased owner Lamar Hunt, one of the pioneers of the Super Bowl era and a man who was always willing to put the interests of the league above those of himself and his own team. LOSS

Bengals (+3) over Colts
It looks like both Peyton Manning and the Bengals' legal defense team are in prime post-season form.

BEST BET: Broncos (-2.5) over Cardinals WIN
ELIMINATOR: Green Bay Packers WIN

Top Five Presidential Mistresses

1. Sally Hemings (Jefferson)
Thomas Jefferson was America's original Baby Daddy, allegedly fathering at least one and perhaps all seven of his slave's children. Making the matter more controversial was Jefferson's public statement that interracial "amalgamation" degrades the character of the nation. The rumors started before Jefferson took office as president and continued for two hundred years, until a 2000 study established with fairly definite certainty that Hemings' children were indeed fathered by Jefferson.

2. Monica Lewinsky (Clinton)
It is every man's ultimate fantasy to receive a hummer from a marginally-attractive subordinate while sitting at your desk at work. If Bill Clinton had only been honest about it, chances are that American men would have sympathized and he would have never been impeached. My only question is why the leader of the free world, who could have had his pick of any woman in the country, chose her?

3. Maria Crofts Halpin (Cleveland)
While Grover Cleveland never either confirmed or denied the persistent rumor that he fathered an illegitimate child, he did pay child support to Halpin for the son that she named Oscar Folsom Cleveland. The allegations spurred Cleveland's political detractors to jeer him with the chant, "Ma, Ma, where's my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!"

4. Lucy Mercer (F.D. Roosevelt)
If you were married to a woman who looked like Eleanor Roosevelt, you would have cheated also. Mercer was Eleanor's social secretary, and soon after she was hired, Franklin began to have an affair with her. Once Eleanor discovered a stack of love letters from Lucy to Franklin, she demanded that Franklin cease the affair, or she would pursue a divorce. Franklin agreed to terminate the affair, but he evidently had his fingers crossed behind his back, since the affair eventually resumed and continued on-and-off for the duration of Franklin's life. Mercer was allegedly present with Franklin when he was on his deathbed.

5. William R. King (Buchanan)
James Buchanan was America's only bachelor president and rumors have alleged that Buchanan was homosexual. For fifteen years before he became president, Buchanan shared a house (and possibly a bed) with King, who would later become Vice President. Behind Buchanan's back, Andrew Jackson referred to King as "Aunt Fancy" and "Miss Nancy," while another political rival called King "Buchanan's better half."

Playing The Spread, Week 14

In most other countries, the idea of divisions or conferences, in the American sense, is completely foreign. European soccer leagues, for example, have divisions in the vertical sense, meaning that the top teams in each division at the end of each season get promoted to the higher division, while the worst teams are relegated to a lower division. But within each division, there are no further subdivisions. In the Premier League of English soccer, the 20 teams are ranked top-to-bottom in a general classification.

Contrast that setup with the NFL, where teams are broken up into eight divisions of four. At least one team from each division is guaranteed a playoff spot. But the divisional games are merely a piece of a team's overall schedule. As a result, there is a distinct possibility of the perverse outcome of a 7-9 team winning a weak division and hosting a playoff game against a 12-4 team from a strong division relgated to a wild card spot because a rival went 13-3. As a general rule, the smaller the subdivisions from which playoff teams are guaranteed, the more likely it is that a sub-.500 team will limp into the playoffs.

It appears unlikely right now that any of the eight divisions will end up crowning a champion without a winning record. However, the NFC is guaranteed six playoff teams, and as it stands currently, four teams with 6-6 records are fighting for the two wild card spots. Meanwhile, over in the AFC, it looks like 10-6 might not be good enough to guarantee a game in January. Is this inequity a problem? Perhaps it might be, since potential playoff outsiders like the Jaguars and the Broncos look likely to be punished just for playing in the stronger conference. But with a 16-game season, it's just not possible to play a full round-robin the way they do in the Premiership. It may be an unfair system at times, but it's the best we can do given the circumstances.

As usual, the following picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers.

Last week: 4-12 (ouch!)
Season to date: 94-91-7
Best bets: 5-8
Eliminator: 11-2 (Streak: W 3)

Browns (+7.5) over Steelers
The Cleveland Browns are like a bad case of herpes. Just when you think you've gotten rid of them for good, they spring up at the most inopportune time and derail your attempts to score. LOSS

Patriots (-3.5) over Dolphins
The good news is that the Pats are on a three-game win streak, despite playing like absolute crap in two of those last three contests. The bad news is that they don't have any more games against the NFC. LOSS

Falcons (-3) over Bucs
It's a good thing that Jim Mora Jr. doesn't coach the Ravens, because if he did, a comment by Papa Mora about Ray Lewis being a coach killer could be taken literally. WIN

Bengals (-11) over Raiders
Another week, another Bengal arrested. It's the least surprising news since "Britney shows complete lack of class" or "Kennedy relative arrested for suspected DUI." WIN

Eagles (-1.5) over Redskins
Maybe we shouldn't write off Jeff Garcia quite yet. Of course, a supporting cast consisting of Donte' Stallworth, Reggie Brown, Brian Dawkins, and Lito Sheppard -- four underrated guys who come up big when it counts -- doesn't hurt. WIN

Panthers (-3) over Giants
There are only two things better than watching a New York team collapse: reading the New York media's reaction to the teams collapse, and watching the Colts collapse. LOSS

Vikings (+2.5) over Lions
Christmas came early for the Lions last week, thanks to a gift-wrapped three turnovers and fumble in the end zone, covered for a touchdown, courtesy of the Patriots. But, selfless players that they are, the Lions felt it was better to give than to receive, and regifted the three turnovers back to the Pats, with two extras thrown in for good measure. WIN

Colts (-1.5) over Jaguars
After an absence lasting most of the season, we've been treated to two separate appearances of the Peyton Manning sulky face in the last three weeks. Here's hoping that Sunday makes three. LOSS

Chiefs (-3) over Ravens
If you blow a 14-point fourth quarter lead against the Browns, you do not deserve to make the playoffs. It doesn't even matter that your star running back has been energized by his new black head coach. LOSS

Titans (+1.5) over Texans
Two weeks ago, Vince Young's mind control techniques gave the Titans a thrilling come-from-behind win. Last week, kicker Rob Bironas used his powers of telekinesis to drive home a 60-yard field goal. I'm just waiting for Drew Bennett to levitate and grab a Hail Mary pass, or for Travis Henry to shape-shift his way through the D-line on a 4th and goal run. WIN

Seahawks (-3) over Cardinals
The masters of the game-winning kick look to ride Josh Brown's right foot to the NFC West title. LOSS

49ers (-4.5) over Packers
These two teams met in the playoffs five times between 1996 and 2002. Let's just say it won't be happening again this year. LOSS

Jets (-4) over Bills
All aboard the Eric Mangini bandwagon! If any AFC East team (besides the Pats, of course) is playing in January, the odds-on favorite is the Jets. Who would have thunk it even a month ago? LOSS

Broncos (+7.5) over Chargers
Before you go dumping on Jay Cutler, consider for a second whether Sunday night's game would have come out any differently with Jake Plummer under center. I don't think so either. LOSS

Cowboys (-7) over Saints
Hollis Thomas has been suspended four games for a positive steroid test and is blaming his asthma medication. That's the best excuse you have? No stillborn chimerical twin? No adverse effects from chugging Jack Daniels? What about a player from another team spiking your Gatorade? C'mon man, if you want to make it in the present-day world of pro sports, you need to think bigger than that. LOSS

Bears (-6.5) over Rams
It seems like the best game plan for the Bears may be to keep the ball out of Rex Grossman's hands entirely by punting on first down and entrusting the defense and special teams to score all the points. WIN

BEST BET: Seahawks (-3) over Cardinals LOSS
ELIMINATOR: Cincinnati Bengals WIN

Note: On account of my law school final exams, It's A Magical World will be publishing on a reduced schedule through December 20th.

Double Standard Alert

When Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan decide not to wear panties and repeatedly and "accidentally" flash their genitals to the paparazzi, it's considered a career move. But when George Michael and Pee Wee Herman display their endowment to a few selected individuals in semi-private environments such as restrooms and pornographic movie theaters, they're arrested and labled as depraved perverts. And don't tell me it's because the world doesn't mind seeing Britney Spears' land down under. I've seen the uncensored version of those pictures, and it ain't particularly pretty.

Top Five Most Bizarre Airports

This list is limited to airports which I've visited.

1. Kansas City International Airport (MCI)
This airport consists of three rings, each with only one floor. Ticket counters, baggage carousels, and gate lounges are all intermingled with one another in a lateral arrangement. When the airport was designed, you needed to walk only fifty feet from the curb to be at your gate. That ease of access changed when security procedures were mandated. Now, each gate lounge is a separately enclosed holding area, most of which lacked restrooms until recently, with its own security lane. As such, the airport is a nightmare for transit passengers, who likely must re-clear security to get to their next plane. Passengers who arrive early are similarly trapped, unable to shop or visit concessions once inside the gate area.

2. London City Airport (LCY)
The oft-forgotten airport of London, City Airport is situated in the Docklands area, east of downtown. The ticket counter area is no larger than a high school gymnasium. The general waiting area for departures is scarcely larger than the lobby of a large law firm. But what makes London City Airport the most bizarre is that its runway is infill sandwiched into a narrow body of water, with no adjacent taxiway. Therefore, planes landing away from the terminal must come to a stop and taxi back to the terminal along the runway before any other plane can land or take off. Needless to say, the airport can only handle turboprops and small regional jets, and there are no jetbridges.

3. Palm Springs International Airport (PSP)
Once you clear security in this airport, you end up outside. While most the individual gate areas do consist of small, walled-in, air conditioned rooms, the main "concourse" of the airport is an outdoor patio, replete with a putting green, cafe tables, and lounge chairs. Part of this patio is covered by a tall, white tent. There is no mistaking the fact that you're in the middle of the California desert when you sit outside in the warm, dry air while waiting for your flight.

4. Charles De Gaulle International Airport, Terminal 1 (CDG)
Terminal 1 of Paris' airport is a concrete donut that encloses a depressing looking garden area. You check in on the first floor, take an inclined moving sidewalk through a space-station-like glass tube to get to passport control, and then travel through a long, dank, underground corridor to reach your departure gate area. Upon arrival, you come back through the underground corridor, clear passport control, then go up a different moving sidewalk through a tube to reach baggage claim, which is atop the terminal.

5. Kansai International Airport (KIX)
Osaka's airport is a sheer monstrosity. The airfoil-shaped terminal is over a mile long, end to end. It requires an internal people mover to get passengers from the ticketing area to the farthest gates. But what makes Kansai Airport most bizarre is that it's constructed on a man-made island in Osaka Bay several kilometers off the coast, connected only by a rail and highway causeway. And by the way, it's gradually sinking into the ocean.

Top Five Objections To College Football Bowl Games

1. It's all about the money (i.e. it's way too corporate)
In all other sports, the NCAA is very strict about requiring game hosts to cover up all advertising and traces of professional teams in the area. In football, not only is the corporate sponsor part of the name of the bowl, but in many cases, it is the name of the bowl. Tradition, identity, and aesthetics take a back seat to the corporate teat. After 38 years of existence, the Peach Bowl is now the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. The game currently known as the Champs Sports Bowl had previous incarnations as the Sunshine Classic, the Blockbuster Bowl, the Carquest Bowl, the MicronPC Bowl, the MicronPC.com Bowl, and the Tangerine Bowl, all since 1990. Who wants to hang a banner in your stadium when nobody will know what you're talking about three years later? As for the new bowl game in Birmingham, it's name is the unwieldy Papajohns.com Bowl, which I almost guarantee will change in some form once Papa John's Pizza's online ordering system is no longer brand new. One of my favorite moments of every bowl game is when the senior vice president for marketing (or some other corporate suit) appears in a commercial to announce how delighted the company is to be sponsoring the bowl and how they congratulate the student-athletes, etc.

2. It's all about the money (i.e. ticket sales and ratings trump merit)
Bowl games don't create matchups to reward teams with successful seasons. They create matchups to maximize television ratings and ticket sales. This objection is epitomized by the alleged conversation that ABC had with the Rose Bowl, encouraging them to select Notre Dame to play Michigan, despite the fact that the two squads had already met and the game was a blowout. Apparently, ABC was concerned about giving up the strong national TV ratings. While conferences have tie-ins to certain bowls with a sequential selection process, teams need not be chosen in order of finish within the conference, allowing bowl organizers . Bowl games need to reward teams that play well, not fans that travel well.

3. It's all about the money (i.e. there's no good reason not to have a playoff)
The party line is that a Division I-A playoff would never work because it would extend the season for too many teams and keep the students from attending classes. But how would the time commitment and travel be any different than what it is currently required for Divisions I-AA, II, and III? Only the two teams in the final would be playing the full postseason. As it stands now, the bowl season lasts three full weeks, which is just enough time to conduct an eight-team playoff. Ohio State already has seven straight weeks of practice between its final game and the BCS Championship. How could a playoff possibly lengthen the season beyond that?

4. It's all about the money (i.e. schools earn a major payday by qualifying)
Bowl games are big money. But unlike March Madness, where each of the 65 teams selected earns an equal piece of the pie, the payouts for bowl games vary greatly. Take Rutgers, for instance. Had the Scarlet Knights upset West Virginia, they'd be in line for a payday in the neighborhood of $14 million (some of which would be shared with the rest of their conference, though an independent team like Notre Dame gets to keep the entire windfall themselves). Instead, the Knights will drop to the Sun Bowl or the Texas Bowl, with payouts around $1.5 million. The failed two-point conversion in the third overtime on Saturday night cost Rutgers $12.5 million. Even so, the Knights will end up in better financial shape than they did last year, when the $750,000 from the Insight Bowl didn't even cover their expenses. And how much of this money do the players -- you know, the ones who actually do the work -- get? That's right: nothing.

5. Is it all about the money? (e.g. many mediocre bowls with mediocre teams)
The great irony of the college football bowl system is that the great majority of the bowls are completely irrelevant to anybody who is not a relative of a current player or an alumnus of the school. They are played in half-full stadiums at weird times midweek and relegated to obscure cable networks. How can such bowl games even break even. I mean, who in their right mind would head to Boise on New Year's Eve to see a 6-6 Miami team play Nevada unless they were affiliated with either school? In March Madness, all 65 teams have a chance to win it all, at least theoretically, so every single game counts. In football, the field is narrowed down to two teams over a month before the championship (while some teams are eliminated before the season starts, by virtue of playing in the wrong conference), rendering the other 31 bowl games meaningless exhibitions.

Playing The Spread, Week 13

One of the more ironic things about football is that while it's mostly a game where big men push each other around, when it comes time to put points on the board, the duty falls to the smallest man on the field. That man, of course, is the kicker. He is usually introverted, often foreign-born, and extremely fungible.

The kicker is the easiest scapegoat a coach can have. Lose a game by two points? Well, had you made that 39-yard field goal in the first quarter, you'd have won. Heads need to roll, so instead of firing your best friend as offensive coordinator, you just cut the kicker. There's a pool of unemployed kickers-for-hire that you can use to fill a roster spot, even on a week-by-week basis if necessary.

A kicker is like a substitute teacher. You don't quite know where they come from, but they just show up one day. They aren't expected to do the job of the teacher, just hold down the fort and keep things under control until the full-time teacher comes back. They have no loyalty to any specific department -- they can start the week in social studies, move onto biology for a day, and be teaching French by the end of the week. You don't develop any strong affinity for these substitute teachers, but instead, you merely begrudingly tolerate the current guy until the real teacher returns.

Martin Gramatica, the kicker formerly known as "Automatica" (but far from it these days), is now with his third team this season, having signed with the Dallas Cowboys after they cut Mike Vanderjagt. He's had a chance to fill in for Adam Vinatieri, the guy who replaced Adam Vinatieri, and the guy who Adam Vinatieri replaced. But Gramatica will last no longer than the period of time for which no one better is available on the market. Kickers are the ultimate mercenaries, and the fact that they are more responsible for scoring offense than anyone else on the team is one of football's greatest ironies.

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only and should not be the basis for any actual cash wagers, but it might be time to hop back on the bandwagon.

Last week: 10-6
Season to date: 90-79-7
Best bets: 5-7
Eliminator: 10-2 (Streak: W 2)

Ravens (+3) over Bengals
For all the money that the NFL Network has, would it kill them to buy their pregame commentators a table that four full-grown men can comfortably fit behind? And while I'm at it, would it kill Bryant Gumbel to modulate the intonation of their voices once or twice a game? LOSS

Patriots (-13.5) over Lions
You spot the best team in the NFC five turnovers, and yet you still manage to win the game. New England is considering giving Corey Dillon and Laurence Maroney the week off and just letting Tom Brady run the football himself. LOSS

Rams (-6.5) over Cardinals
Thank goodness for the NFC West. If it weren't for patsies like San Francisco and Arizona, St. Louis would be continuing its free fall toward oblivion in the month of December. LOSS

Chargers (-6) over Bills
Meanwhile, San Diego is considering giving Philip Rivers the week off and just letting LaDanian Tomlinson throw the football himself. LOSS

Saints (-7) over 49ers
Back in Week 3, when the Saints trounced the Falcons, I attributed the win to the adrenaline rush from their post-Katrina return to the Superdome. When the Saints trounced the Falcons last week, it became clear that this team is no fluke. You need look no further than Drew Brees' half-ending Hail Mary touchdown to know that the Saints are the team of destiny. WIN

Vikings (+9) over Bears
Say what you will about one of the league's most physical and opportunistic defenses, but the Chicago Bears can't get to the next level with Rex Grossman under center. Just so you know, Rex, your team will be the one wearing the black jerseys on Sunday, not the purple-and-white ones. LOSS

Chiefs (-5) over Browns
Maybe he doesn't get the same media attention as L.T. because he only has a pedestrian 13 touchdowns in 11 games (as opposed to a sick 21), but Larry Johnson may be the league's most valuable running back. LOSS

Redskins (-2) over Falcons
Michael Vick wasn't giving the middle finger to the fans after last week's loss -- he was merely doing his best impression of the Leon Washington trading card. LOSS

Jets (-1.5) over Packers
Look, I know Brett Favre might no longer be the quarterback he once was, but nobody else shows up for game after game, even when injured, and gives 100 percent every single time. Favre is Mr. Durability, especially when you consider that rivals like Donovan McNabb go down with a season-ending injury three of the last five years. He's a class act. WIN

Colts (-7.5) over Titans
Well, the secret's out. We finally know that what makes Vince Young such a good QB is his supernatural mind control abilities that can make defensive linemen who have him in their grasp inexplicably let go, allowing him to scamper for first downs. The only downside is that now Sylar is probably going to come looking for him. LOSS

Texans (+3) over Raiders
It's been a bad week for former Raiders offensive coordinator and former (now current, once again?) bed-and-breakfast owner Tom Walsh. No truth to the rumor that they're replacing Walsh with the Jewish husband and wife innkeepers from the Borat movie, though I doubt they'd do any worse. WIN

Dolphins (-1.5) over Jaguars
It's the annual We Lost To Houston Bowl (sponsored, of course, by Capital One), but one of these teams seems like they might actually be able to salvage their season from that nadir. LOSS

Cowboys (-3.5) over Giants
What's the difference between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning? At least Peyton waits for the postseason before choking. LOSS

Bucs (+7) over Steelers
This game will be boring as hell, so CBS would be better served by showing an episode of Celebrity Deathmatch featuring Ben Roethlisberger's appendix fighting against Chris Simms' spleen. LOSS

Seahawks (+3) over Broncos
So it's come to Jay Cutler. Wow. Getting benched sucks. Getting benched with a winning record sucks more. Getting benched with a winning record in favor of a rookie is even worse. But the ultimate indignity is getting benched with a winning record in favor of a rookie who went to Vanderbilt. Yikes. WIN

Panthers (-3) over Eagles
Now the quarterback who sucks is out for the year, his spot is being filled by the quarterback who's gay. I bet T.O. is so glad to be done with this team. LOSS

BEST BET: Chiefs (-5) over Browns LOSS
ELIMINATOR: New England Patriots WIN

Britney + Paris = BFF

The fact that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been repeatedly seen hanging out together is somehow important news. While I hate to dignify this "story" with any more attention than it deserves (which means any attention whatsoever), I got to thinking about why the two of them want to spend time together. Here are my top ten reasons:

10. Britney was under the mistaken impression that Paris could teach her something about class

9. Now that virtually every man in Hollywood has been used up, Paris needed to get creative to find her latest flavor of the week

8. They finally put behind themselves the feud over whether House of Wax or Crossroads was the better movie

7. They just hit it off after Sean Preston's playdate with Tinkerbell

6. After Nicole Ritchie went anorexic, Paris wanted to find a new companion for whom rapid weight loss would never be an issue

5. Britney desperately wanted another child to take care of, but didn't want to go through the hassle of being pregnant again

4. Grey Goose, meet Jack Daniels!

3. Paris has taken a year-long vow of celibacy, and by the Bill Clinton rules, anything she does with Britney wouldn't count

2. After ditching K-Fed, Britney needed to find someone with an equal lack of musical talent

1. All they need now to complete the holy trinity of celebrity sex tapes is Pamela Anderson, and she's newly single

Up Against A Wal

A few months ago, I wrote about how McDonald's has become a victim of its own success, targetted by profiteering victims of evil caloric fast food hamburgers that magically climb into people's mouths and make them fat. The equivalent in the retail sector, of course, is Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart is the proverbial 800-pound gorilla of retail stores, except that they're more like an 800-ton gorilla. Manufacturers base their production around creating cheap products to be sold through Wal-Mart. In a perverse rearrangement of the typical economic model, Wal-Mart has enough market share to go to its suppliers and demand cost cuts and/or efficiency, often through foreign outsourcing. If the suppliers refuse, Wal-Mart will play hardball by taking their orders elsewhere, which can essentially single-handedly kill a business. Just ask the good folks at Rubbermaid.

Wal-Mart has also become the bellwether for the retail sector in America. It was headline news over the weekend when Wal-Mart reported that their sales over essentially a two-day period dropped from last year. Competitors don't get the same treatment, and as such, their shareholders aren't constantly sent scurrying at the slightest drop of a pin.

But it seems that where Wal-Mart just can't win at all is in the political arena. From its early days, Wal-Mart has been under pressure with the left because of its abject hostility toward unions. Wal-Mart will shut down stores before being forced to accept unionization. Now, however, Wal-Mart is feeling pressure from the right, thanks to its downplaying of the word "Christmas" in favor of a more religiously neutral term and its membership in the national gay and lesbian chamber of commerce.

Frankly, I don't give a damn about Wal-Mart's politics. Maybe that makes me a heartless conservative or a heathen liberal. I still don't shop there, however. Even though their prices can't be beat, Wal-Mart makes for an absolutely miserable shopping experience. The aisles are too narrow, the shelves are disorganized, there are never enough cashiers, and the store is a magnet for the dregs of society. I will gladly pay a few pennies more for the bright lighting, wide aisles, and commitment to customer service that I find at Target.

Look, Wal-Mart must be doing something right. Maybe the constant media and political attention is a necessary cost of doing business for them. In my mind, though, it just goes to prove that being the biggest is always the best.